1 00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:06,274 [ Earl Narrating ] One thing about cold nights at the motel, Randy and I slept like babies. 2 00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:08,409 But that wasn't just because of the temperature. Gas leak. Get up. 3 00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:11,279 You're all being poisoned. Five more minutes. 4 00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:13,781 - Five minutes, you'll be dead. - Four more minutes? 5 00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:17,751 [ Groans ] 6 00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:22,656 Man, it's freezin' in here. 7 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:26,727 Put on your coat before you get a runny nose and ruin all your long sleeves again. 8 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,630 [ Earl Narrating ] One good thing about the cold is finding things in your coat pockets... 9 00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,266 you forgot you put there a year ago. 10 00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:35,203 Hey, look! It's Mr. Fishy. That's where he was. 11 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,409 Guess you were right, Earl. I'm not ready for a pet. 12 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,380 Man, I remember this. 13 00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:48,382 [ Earl Narrating ] Number 202 on my list-- 14 00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,385 stole a wallet from a guy at a gas station. 15 00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:54,588 A few years ago, I was hanging out in a gas station bathroom... 16 00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:57,658 waitin' for some guy to drop his pants and provide me with an opportunity. 17 00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:01,395 [ Door Closes, Lock Slides ] 18 00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,412 Whoo-hoo! 19 00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:24,518 Ah, they have my favorite brand of toilet paper in here. 20 00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:27,821 Soft stuff. 21 00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:31,225 You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things... 22 00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:32,860 and then wonders why his life sucks? 23 00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:37,631 Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me, 24 00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:39,800 somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner. 25 00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:43,571 Karma. 26 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,706 That's when I realized I had to change. 27 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,843 So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, 28 00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:52,880 and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. 29 00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:54,882 I'm just tryin' to be a better person. 30 00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:57,351 My name is Earl. 31 00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:09,663 [ Earl Narrating ] I had stolen a lot of wallets in my day, 32 00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:12,600 but that one was the mother lode. Whoo-hoo! 33 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:17,471 So, that afternoon, we took the money to Jasper's for a little shopping spree. 34 00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:20,374 Jasper's is kind of like the mall, only it's in a storage unit, 35 00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:23,477 and everything there is stolen from the mall. 36 00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:26,714 And with a thousand dollars to spend, we were living like kings. 37 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:28,882 Hey, we're out of lime mix, 38 00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:33,387 so these margaritas are gonna have to be cola flavored or extreme cherry. 39 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:42,196 Why can't you just give him back his wallet with a thousand dollars of your lottery money? 40 00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:44,732 I like my helmet. It reminds me of kindergarten. 41 00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,834 This stuff was bought with stolen money. 42 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:50,938 It's got bad karma all over it. It all has to go back. 43 00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,841 [ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, when I tracked down the slushy machine, 44 00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,976 I found someone had moved in. 45 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:59,213 Yeah, I got it set up like a turtle house, with a turtle and whatnot. 46 00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:01,649 Does he use that exercise wheel? 47 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,318 Not as much as I hoped he would. Does he do any tricks? 48 00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:06,887 If you yawn a lot, sometimes he copies you. 49 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,891 [ Yawning ] 50 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:20,234 I hate to take your buddy's home away, but I really have to. 51 00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:24,372 Oh, it's okay, Earl. I think he needs more space anyway. 52 00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:27,441 Here. I'll just let him go free range on the carpet. Hey, Mr. Turtle. 53 00:03:27,475 --> 00:03:30,311 That thing starts beggin' at the table, it's gonna become an outside turtle. 54 00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:34,515 You ever try to stick your finger inside to see what's under the shell? 55 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,817 Yeah. H-He don't like it. 56 00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:42,456 This stuff isn't stolen, is it? 57 00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:44,792 Of course it is. We bought it here. Yeah. 58 00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:48,596 - When'd you get a computer? - About a month ago. I take orders online now. 59 00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:51,599 I steal a Wi-Fi signal from that apartment building across the street. 60 00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:53,734 - You been online? - No. 61 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,937 Oh, it's wild. Wild! That's where I got my Russian bride. 62 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,839 [ Chuckling ] 63 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:04,378 [ Russian Accent ] Shut the sheet. 64 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:06,914 Light is putting glare on Montel. 65 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:11,752 - Cool. Hey, say, "Moose and squirrel." - Moose and squirrel. 66 00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:14,888 - Yup. That's how I thought she'd say it. - Not bad, huh? 67 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,525 You get free shipping if they're over 30. 68 00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:20,428 He write an e-mail he live in gated community. 69 00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:24,064 My crate on boat was bigger than this. 70 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:28,769 Where do you live, big boy? You have shower? You want wife? [ Kissing ] 71 00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:31,939 - Earl? - Okay, baby. That's enough. 72 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:34,308 She likes to flirt with people. 73 00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:38,379 But at the end of the day, she's all mine. 74 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:41,482 No kiss on lips! [ Disgusted Sigh ] 75 00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:45,686 [ Curtain Closes ] Yeah. 76 00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,755 [ Earl Narrating ] Now that we had the money, 77 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,958 it was time to cross that stolen wallet off the list. 78 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:53,594 My wallet. That's amazing. Where'd you find it? 79 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:58,366 Well, uh, I found it at a gas station, 80 00:04:58,399 --> 00:05:01,402 in a bathroom, in a pair of pants... 81 00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:05,038 around your ankles. 82 00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,576 You stole it? 83 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,445 You're a crook! 84 00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:13,847 What is that, Earl? What is it? 85 00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:16,817 - Jeff, call the cops! - No, no, no, no. Don't. Please, don't call the cops. 86 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:18,986 I-I'm trying to make this up to you. 87 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,689 I'm no longer a crook. I've turned my life around. 88 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:24,592 Oh, it's cool, Earl. They won't call. I cut the cord. 89 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,894 Randy! We're gonna die. 90 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,129 No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm so-- Look. 91 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,965 You're not gonna die. I'm sorry. I'll make up for that too. 92 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:35,135 Just please listen to me. Randy, fix the phone cord. 93 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:38,572 - But, Earl, they were gonna call the cops, and then we-- - Fix the phone cord. 94 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:41,108 [ Groans ] 95 00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,777 [ Earl Narrating ] It took a while, but eventually I calmed them down... 96 00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:49,016 and explained to 'em how my life is now guided by karma and how I wanted to do good things. 97 00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:52,019 Phone works again. We appreciate how you're changing your life. 98 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:55,989 But you stole the money from our wedding, man. That was our honeymoon money. 99 00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,791 - Yeah, you stole our honeymoon. - [ Grunts ] 100 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,095 Ran-- What did you do that for? 101 00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:05,065 I thought they were gettin' mad again. 102 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:08,802 Just fix it. You were saying? 103 00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:11,839 We were filling up and heading to the beach for our honeymoon, 104 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,608 but after you took all our money, we had to come home. 105 00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:16,910 Look, I-I'm sorry. I-I really am. 106 00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:20,448 But I've replaced the money, so why don't you just have a do-over honeymoon? 107 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:24,418 Oh, can we, Jeff? I really want my honeymoon in the sun. You promised. 108 00:06:24,452 --> 00:06:27,421 Look, even if my boss will give me a week off, which I doubt, 109 00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:29,089 I can't afford to miss a week's pay. 110 00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:33,160 What if I cover for you? 111 00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:36,697 I could work for you, and at the end of the week, you keep the paycheck. 112 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:40,033 You think your boss will go for that? 113 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,436 I guess we could ask him. 114 00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:45,072 [ Earl Narrating ] With Jeff on board, all I had to do... 115 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,508 was convince his boss to let me fill in for him at work. 116 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:51,912 - You speak English? - Yep, and I'm a quick learner. 117 00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:54,482 Got all your fingers? 118 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,884 Do they bend? I've been fooled before. 119 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,489 All right. You're hired. 120 00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:04,157 [ Liquid Boiling ] 121 00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:07,628 Mr. Patrick's real particular about his fries. 122 00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,497 - Real particu-- - [ Splashes ] 123 00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:14,502 Oh, God. Oh, God. My retainer fell in. 124 00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:17,738 I-I-- I'll get it. No. 125 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:21,642 If he sees you take it out, he'll know I dropped it in again. Just leave it. 126 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,777 Hey, Marlboro Man. Why don't you trot on over here? 127 00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:29,617 Are you, uh-- you and E. coli buddies? 128 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,952 Is that the little Asian fella in the back who does the dishes? 129 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,522 No, E. coli, Hickey. Parasites. 130 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:37,591 You left a little party zone for 'em right here in the groove. 131 00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:41,595 I-- I wiped there. Oh, really? Let's see if you didn't miss a spot. 132 00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:45,633 Oh, you did a good job. You did a really good job. 133 00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:49,637 I would say it's clean enough to eat off of. 134 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,939 Why don't you take a bite? What? 135 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:56,176 Hey, everybody! Watch Earl eat a french fry off his well-wiped counter groove. 136 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:57,978 [ Earl Narrating ] What Mr. Patrick didn't realize... 137 00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:01,615 is that taking orders from a boss was never really my strong suit. 138 00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,984 You stupid idiot! 139 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,661 So, what's it gonna be? 140 00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:17,064 [ Earl Narrating ] There were about a dozen things I wanted to do with that french fry, 141 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:20,834 but that would have cost Jeff his job, and karma wouldn't like that one bit. 142 00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:26,273 Attaboy. 143 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:28,108 You'll catch on. 144 00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:35,849 That's okay. I had to eat a hamburger patty he wiped on a toilet seat. 145 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:53,000 You can feel good about your decision to eat here. 146 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,936 My brother didn't spit in it. He's into karma and whatnot. 147 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:59,640 Hey, Hickey. What was this doing in the trash? 148 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:02,342 It was empty. You said recycling was for morons. 149 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:06,847 Check under the rim. There was six burgers' worth of mayo you could swab out of there. 150 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,851 Use your head. Now, scrape that out and go work drive-through. 151 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,787 - Will do. - What a jerk. 152 00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:16,757 You should report that guy to the manager. He is the manager. 153 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:19,660 Oh. Then he already knows. 154 00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:23,597 Look, it's no big deal. I don't let guys like that bug me anymore, Randy. 155 00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:26,667 Karma's given me a whole new outlook on life. 156 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:30,270 I've learned it's not my job to punish people who are mean to me. It's karma's. 157 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:33,641 People like that always get what they deserve. 158 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:36,309 [ Earl Narrating ] I didn't need to worry about Mr. Patrick. 159 00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:40,047 I just needed to worry about keeping this job, no matter how bad it got. 160 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,350 [ Man On P.A. ] Four, your order's ready. Four. 161 00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:47,621 [ Gasps ] Oh, my God! Earl Hickey working as a burger dummy. 162 00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:51,659 Look. I think we're gonna go ahead and park and come on in. 163 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,695 [ Cackling ] 164 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:03,003 Well, look at you all dressed up in that cute uniform. 165 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:06,273 And they even had your size-- extra dorky. 166 00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:09,643 Welcome to Stars. May I take your order? And your clothes look stupid too. 167 00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:11,812 Hey, Crab Man. Hey, Crab Man's turtle. 168 00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:14,314 Hey, Earl. That's from both of us. 169 00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,717 We'll take two number-one combos, please. 170 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:19,052 Can you throw in a piece of lettuce for Mr. Turtle? 171 00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:21,054 He likes arugula, if you got it. 172 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:29,362 That's 6.44. Thank you very much, sir. Have a nice day. 173 00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:32,132 Joy, you gave me a wadded-up Kleenex. 174 00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,735 Come on. 175 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:37,004 Don't go all goody-two-shoes on me. Hook me up. 176 00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:40,307 That's stealing, Joy. I can't do that. 177 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,342 [ Grunts ] Ow! 178 00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:45,112 Oh, my God! Is there a manager in the house? 179 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,748 I just found a piece of hair in my food. Joy, stop it. 180 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,017 Is there a problem over here? 181 00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:53,120 Oh, there's a problem. A hair fell off your employee into my french fries. 182 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,422 I'm not paying for these. 183 00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:59,727 I am sorry about that, ma'am. And you should be wearing a hairnet. 184 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,170 Oh, you know what? This is a short one. 185 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:13,807 Actually, you know what I think? This is a mustache hair. 186 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,877 Thank you so much. I feel so much better now. 187 00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:19,212 I think we all feel better. Do you feel better, Hickey? 188 00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:21,381 Not really. 189 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:24,985 - You want one for your eyebrows? - I feel fine, sir. 190 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:28,321 Good. Now I want you to go in the back and sponge down the baby-changing table. 191 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:31,725 A kid scooted his ass across it like a dog does. 192 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:34,427 Go on. Do it. 193 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:37,831 [ Earl Narrating ] As hard as it was to stand there and take it, 194 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:41,034 I had to keep reminding myself why I was there and that karma would take care of Mr. Patrick. 195 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:47,274 Nice job, Hickey. Why don't you take a break? 196 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:51,011 Thank you, sir. I-- 197 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:55,482 Uh-oh. Now those are damaged and unfit for our valued customers. 198 00:11:55,515 --> 00:12:00,187 Why don't you drive those over to my house, you know, being you're on break and all? 199 00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:08,896 You're taking all those rolls to Mr. Patrick's house? 200 00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:12,232 He goes through a lot of toilet paper because he's so full of crap! 201 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,434 Yes! 202 00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:17,504 Listen, Xena. Try not to get so worked up by Mr. Patrick. 203 00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:19,873 He'll get his payback. 204 00:12:19,907 --> 00:12:22,776 There's a thing in this universe, an uncontrolled force. 205 00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:24,878 It's called-- I love you too, Earl. 206 00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:27,547 You'll be my first. 207 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,150 No, no, no, no. No. I was talking about karma. 208 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:32,986 Oh. Karma. 209 00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:35,388 It, uh, takes care of mean people. 210 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,557 Mr. Patrick will get everything he deserves. 211 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,927 [ Sighs ] 212 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,830 [ Earl Narrating ] But as I drove up to Mr. Patrick's house, 213 00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:47,134 I realized he had way more than he deserved. 214 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:50,537 He had a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood, but that wasn't all. 215 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:54,141 Hi! Come on in. 216 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,276 Pat told me you were coming. 217 00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:59,046 [ Earl Narrating ] He also had a beautiful wife he didn't deserve. 218 00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:06,887 Is-Is there any chance that Mr. Patrick is your brother? 219 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:10,423 I hope not, not with all the stuff I let him do to me. 220 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,359 Anyway, wait right here. 221 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:16,864 I'm gonna go get the dry cleaning Pat said you'd take in. 222 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:19,867 [ Earl Narrating ] I couldn't believe Mr. Patrick scored a woman like that... 223 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:22,035 and a house like this. 224 00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:25,538 And, as I took a look around the rest of the place, it only got worse. 225 00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:30,343 There he was, sitting in the back of a brand-new, customized F-250, 226 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:33,380 complete with stenciling. 227 00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:37,017 And how he got so many friends, I have no idea. 228 00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:43,023 And I couldn't imagine him doing anything good enough in life... 229 00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,558 to deserve a special mug saying it. 230 00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:49,596 No way. 231 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:52,499 Oh, sorry. I was just, uh-- [ Clears Throat ] 232 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:55,135 looking at Mr. Patrick's best stuff mugs. 233 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,437 Oh. Well, that one's not his. 234 00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,572 Really? It's mine. 235 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,243 Of course it is. 236 00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:06,479 Of course it is. 237 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,348 Here you go. 238 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,324 I don't get it, Randy. It doesn't make sense. 239 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,160 Karma should be kicking the crap out of a guy like that. 240 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,262 Maybe he's nice outside of work. 241 00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,898 He could deserve good karma that way, right? I don't know. 242 00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:28,936 Even if he pulled his face off, and underneath was that guy from U2 that does all that charity, 243 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:31,004 he still wouldn't deserve a wife that hot. 244 00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:33,573 Maybe he's being punished in some secret way. 245 00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:36,376 I had a horrible uncle with a hot wife and a big house, 246 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:39,947 but later we found out that the house and the wife both had mold in the basement. 247 00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:43,416 Mold in the basement. 248 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:49,122 Well, maybe there's more to Mr. Patrick that I don't know. 249 00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:51,558 Bono. That's the guy from U2-- Sonny Bono. 250 00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:54,194 I should be on that show where you have to remember the names of things. 251 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,629 What's it called? 252 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:02,269 [ Earl Narrating ] I decided to keep a much closer eye on Mr. Patrick, 253 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:05,338 hoping I'd find hidden information that would make sense of his life. 254 00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:07,674 Maybe I'd discover he was a better man than I thought. 255 00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,012 But he wasn't. 256 00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:39,339 [ Earl Narrating ] As far as I could tell, Mr. Patrick never did anything good. 257 00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:43,343 And when he had the chance to do the right thing, he didn't. 258 00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:47,447 This guy definitely didn't deserve all the nice things he had. 259 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:51,218 He even had a nice little thing he was cheating on his wife with. 260 00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:55,422 Nope. Mr. Patrick didn't seem to be suffering one bit. It just didn't make sense. 261 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:59,092 He wasn't gettin' punished at all for any of the bad things he was doing. 262 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,128 There was only one place left to look, 263 00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,130 one place karma could be punishing him. 264 00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:08,401 [ Earl Narrating ] I didn't want to check there, but I had to. 265 00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:12,572 Come on, man! 266 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:19,012 Ah, I'm just having a little trouble working up a stream. 267 00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:21,381 Try blowin' on it. 268 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:24,117 Excuse me? 269 00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:25,585 [ Blows ] 270 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,090 There you go. 271 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:34,361 [ Clears Throat ] Thank you, sir. 272 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:37,430 [ Earl Narrating ] I could see that karma wasn't punishing Mr. Patrick. 273 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:40,200 What I didn't get was why it was punishing me. 274 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:43,170 What do you want-- a snake, an eel or an earthworm? I want a dinosaur. 275 00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:47,207 A dinosaur? Here. This is not a dinosaur. 276 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:51,511 Sure, it is. It's a Balloon-osaurus rex. Now, get out of here. 277 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:54,381 Hickey! You take these balloons back from these kids, 278 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,683 and you start making poodles and funny hats right now. 279 00:16:56,716 --> 00:16:59,152 I told you, I don't know how to make balloon animals. 280 00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:02,689 You don't know how to make a balloon animal? 281 00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:06,093 Are you telling me that you're too stupid to understand how to bend a balloon? 282 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,261 [ Earl Narrating ] It's amazing how humiliated you can feel... 283 00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:10,363 dressed as a hamburger, being poked by a balloon. 284 00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:13,500 Now, you apologize to these children right now! See this, kids? 285 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,668 This is why you stay in school. 286 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:19,339 So you don't end up in a hamburger outfit, too stupid to bend balloons. 287 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,741 Hickey, I told you to apologize. What's your problem? 288 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:24,077 I want you to apologize to these kids right now. 289 00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:27,747 Are you too stupid to say you're stupid? 290 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,617 [ Earl Narrating ] No one has ever treated me that bad before and gotten away with it, 291 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,419 especially a boss. 292 00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:35,288 But I stuck with karma this long, so I knew I had to keep my cool. 293 00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:45,698 Unfortunately, knowing something and doing something are two different things. 294 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,401 [ Grunting ] 295 00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:51,504 Whoa! Take it easy, Xena! You don't wanna swallow that new retainer. 296 00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:54,574 Oh, God! Your hands on my body feel so right. 297 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,409 What? Nothing. 298 00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,680 [ Grunts ] 299 00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:03,550 [ Earl Narrating ] I felt bad about sending Mr. Patrick to the emergency room, 300 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:06,353 but when I found out what I started, I felt even worse. 301 00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:10,357 Thanks to me, the women he tried so hard to keep separate-- 302 00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:17,164 well, they were finally brought together. 303 00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:19,332 Seems I hurt more than just Mr. Patrick's eye. 304 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,171 World's-- Hey, come on! 305 00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:25,905 - best-- - Not the mugs! 306 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,707 - son of a bitch! - Charmaine! 307 00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:34,414 [ Earl Narrating ] And while his wife was kicking him out for seeing another woman, 308 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:38,218 she found out how he was able to afford another woman. 309 00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:41,454 Turned out law enforcement was as unhappy about his behavior as she was. 310 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:47,460 I felt awful. I just wanted to hit the guy, not ruin his life. 311 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:53,366 I wish I could say something to make you feel better. 312 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,635 I don't know what you can say, Randy. 313 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,737 I started out trying to do something good... 314 00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:00,307 and ended up getting the guy divorced and thrown in jail. 315 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,575 I screwed up. That's all there is to it. 316 00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:06,513 You said karma would get him eventually. 317 00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:09,616 I said karma, not my fist. But karma doesn't have fists. 318 00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:16,223 You know what? You're right. Karma doesn't have fists. 319 00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:20,960 Karma doesn't have hands at all, or feet. Does karma have feet? 320 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,696 Maybe karma's behind this whole thing, Randy. 321 00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:26,266 I mean, the guy finally got what he deserved. 322 00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:29,436 Maybe karma just borrowed my fist to give it to him. 'Cause karma doesn't have fists. 323 00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:34,441 Wow. Karma used me to do its dirty work. 324 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:37,377 Nice move, karma. Nice move. 325 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:40,747 [ Earl Narrating ] As it turned out, not just to punish a bad guy, 326 00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:43,450 but to reward some good people too. 327 00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:46,419 Mrs. Patrick took ownership of the restaurant and made Jeff the manager. 328 00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:59,499 [ Earl Narrating ] And with Jeff as manager, everybody got raises... 329 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,668 and health insurance to cover new retainers for Xena. [ Sneezes ] 330 00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:07,807 In the end, everyone got what they deserved, 331 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,976 and I was able to cross number 202 off my list. 332 00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:26,959 Oh. It's a burger. 333 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:35,368 [ Squeaking ] 334 00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:38,871 Hey, Earl. I saw that mouse again. 335 00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:41,808 Want me to try and get him? No, I like him. 336 00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:44,444 I was thinking maybe we should name him, you know? 337 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:46,946 And that way he'd be our pet and not just a mouse. 338 00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:50,717 - How 'bout William? - Nah. I don't like William. 339 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,019 We could call him Bill for short. 340 00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,688 I never understood how Bill was short for William. 341 00:20:55,722 --> 00:20:59,792 If anything, Bill should be short for Billiam, you know? 342 00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:07,300 Good night, Earl. Good night, Randy. 343 00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:09,035 Good night, Billiam.