1
00:00:01,602 --> 00:00:05,339
[ Earl Narrating ] The claw
machine is a popular way
to pass time at the Crab Shack.

2
00:00:05,373 --> 00:00:09,143
- Especially when the rat
gets in it.
- A little more left.

3
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:12,180
If you can't pick him up
by a foot, go for
the chunky part.

4
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:16,084
I know what I'm doin'. I gotta
sneak up on him from the back
while he's humping that Grover.

5
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:19,620
- Now!
- [ Machine Whirring ]

6
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,792
Be careful when you pull him
out of the slot.
He's gonna be angry.

7
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:27,195
He's not gonna be angry.
I saved him.

8
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:34,235
- [ Rat Squeaks ]
- Ow!

9
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:37,705
Maybe I should've let him finish
his business with the Grover
before I took him.

10
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:41,175
You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

11
00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:43,477
and then wonders why
his life sucks?

12
00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:48,516
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

13
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,584
somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

14
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:53,654
Karma.

15
00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:57,425
That's when I realized
I had to change.

16
00:00:57,458 --> 00:01:00,361
So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

17
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:03,164
and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

18
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,832
I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

19
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,301
My name is Earl.

20
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,141
[ Joy ]
They are monsters, Darnell.

21
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,842
Those kids
are two little monsters.

22
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:17,878
They used my going-out
lipstick to draw boobs
on the car headlights again.

23
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,880
Joy, I'm tryin' to work.

24
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,183
Sweetheart, you're picking
crabmeat out of claws.

25
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:24,552
It's not like you're
in a hospital doing
a kidney transplantation.

26
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,455
[ Earl Narrating ]
There were a few things I missed
about being married to Joy.

27
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,490
Her children
were not two of 'em.

28
00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:32,760
Boys get into trouble, Joy.
That's what they do.

29
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,496
- Tell her, Earl.
- Oh, I'm just, uh--

30
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:37,831
I'm j-- gettin' a beer,
and the rat's back
in the--

31
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:41,269
What are you askin' him for?
He was worse at disciplinin'
those kids than you are.

32
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:44,338
[ Earl Narrating ]
She was right.

33
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:54,215
I always found it best
not to get too involved.

34
00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:57,251
[ Man ]
There you go.

35
00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,420
Well, I'm sure
if you put your
two heads together,

36
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,755
you'll be able to,
uh--

37
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:04,192
Good luck.

38
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,327
[ Earl Narrating ]
I felt bad for Darnell.

39
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:09,663
But I felt good for me. Those
kids were no longer my problem.

40
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:13,201
Those kids are beyond fixin'.
They wouldn't even accept 'em
over at the rotten kids camp.

41
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:15,236
I mean, I ran out of space
on the application.

42
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:17,838
How bad do they
have to be?

43
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:20,774
- Are you talking about
the Right Choice Ranch?
- Yeah.

44
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,777
- Whose last name did you put
on the application?
- Yours. Hickey.

45
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,414
That's their legal last name.
Dr. Crabmeat here...

46
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:28,749
hasn't come up with the $180
to change their names yet.

47
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:33,254
- Seems like a waste.
I like Hickey.
- [ Exhales ] Damn it.

48
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:37,958
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when
I realized what I thought wasn't
my problem, actually was.

49
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:41,595
Number 164--
burned down a barn
at the Right Choice Ranch.

50
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:48,269
You see, as children,
me and Randy got into
a little trouble here and there.

51
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:50,504
[ Groaning ]

52
00:02:56,510 --> 00:03:01,215
And our parents didn't seem
to be very entertained
by our antics.

53
00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:05,253
Eventually they had no choice
but to take Randy and me
to the Right Choice Ranch.

54
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:07,855
It was a nice little camp
that helped troubled kids
turn their lives around.

55
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:11,392
However, their slogan
raised some eyebrows.

56
00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:15,963
Over the years
they tried new slogans,

57
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:18,198
but they never
could get it right.

58
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:24,405
[ Man ]
The Right Choice is,
hands on your head.

59
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,208
The Right Choice is,
hands on your knees.

60
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:31,545
The Right Choice is,
hands in the air.

61
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:36,384
[ Earl Narrating ]
Within a few hours, we were
already startin' to learn...

62
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,951
that you didn't have to be bad
to have fun.
[ Shouts ]

63
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:42,423
We also learned
that Randy was afraid of birds.

64
00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:47,227
[ Quacking ]

65
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,732
[ Shouting ]

66
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:57,638
Then, which brings us
back to the list,
there was an accident.

67
00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:59,873
I had only recently
taken up smokin',

68
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,710
and properly disposing
of my cigarette butts...

69
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,712
was a habit I hadn't mastered.

70
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,014
They sent Randy and I packing.

71
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:10,418
Any chance of us being reformed
went up in flames.

72
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:13,387
Now Joy's kids shouldn't
have to pay for my mistakes.

73
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,489
No, they're gonna have plenty
of their own to pay for.

74
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,925
You're going to a farm?
Shh.

75
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:20,661
I'm not tellin' Randy.
He's afraid of chickens.

76
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,364
And the pope's big hat.
But mainly 'cause he thinks
there's a chicken under it.

77
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:25,999
Can I go?
I worked on a farm
growing up.

78
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:28,035
Oh, yeah?
Where was it?
I don't know.

79
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,671
We were always blindfolded
when they took us there.

80
00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:33,040
But I know they shot
my father in San Pascual,

81
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:35,343
so it must have been
north of the river of blood.

82
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:39,913
Man!
A surprise destination.

83
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,883
Give me a hint, Earl.
Like, has funnel cakes.

84
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:45,519
Okay.
Does not have
funnel cakes.

85
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:50,624
Does not have
funnel cakes.
Okay.

86
00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:53,060
[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't like trickin' Randy,

87
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,329
but I was hoping he might
conquer his fear of birds.

88
00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:57,931
He's never grown out of it.

89
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:03,737
- [ Bird Squawks ]
- Hey, Earl. Did you see
what that stupid bird--

90
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,807
- [ Shouts ]
- [ Thuds ]

91
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:15,649
Right Choice Ranch?
Yep. Does not have
funnel cakes.

92
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:18,919
I'm gonna cross
that burned barn off my list.
You okay with that?

93
00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:22,690
Yeah. 'Course.
Why wouldn't I be?
[ Rooster Crows ]

94
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:25,726
Earl, that was a rooster.
That's a man chicken.

95
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,962
They're the meanest of 'em all.
They got that red flappy thing
under their mouth.

96
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:31,064
I don't even know
what they make that out of.

97
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:36,069
I'm afraid of birds,
and I don't care
what you think of me.

98
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:39,940
It's okay. We all have
our fears. I'm afraid
of snakes and rape.

99
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:42,976
Come on.
Let's go find the farmer.

100
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:46,113
[ Crowing Continues ]

101
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:49,583
I can't remember. With chickens,
are you supposed to play dead
or punch 'em in the nose?

102
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:54,955
Well, I'll be.

103
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:57,791
Earl Hickey.
We've been tellin' everybody
around here you're dead.

104
00:05:57,825 --> 00:06:00,060
Nope. Not dead yet.

105
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:04,465
But my heart did stop briefly
back in 1992 when I got stepped
on at a Motörhead concert.

106
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,734
No, it's not that.
It's just that...

107
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:09,703
- when we tell the kids the
legend of the barn-burner--
- [ Chicken Clucking ]

108
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:12,906
we think it's kinda
nice to finish it
with you bein' dead.

109
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:16,644
Shot in the face actually.
Really? I have a legend?

110
00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:19,146
And a plaque.
Oh.

111
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:25,152
You're the example
the counselors use...

112
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:28,155
for someone who made
the wro choice...

113
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,491
here at the
Right Choice Ranch.

114
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,426
Hey, Bud,

115
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:35,062
little Hector said
that seeing that
baby lamb get born...

116
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,698
has convinced him
to laser off
his teardrop tattoo.

117
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:41,635
Hey, okay, Hector.
¡Bueno! !Bueno!

118
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:45,005
Oh, this here's Bobby.
He was probably at the camp
when you were.

119
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,475
He was brought here when
he pulled out all the teeth
from his brother.

120
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:50,010
He's a successful
businessman now.

121
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,212
He comes here
and volunteers
on weekends.

122
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,783
Earl here's thinkin'
of making up for burnin'
down our barn.

123
00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:59,887
Yep. Gotta undo all
the bad things I did
so I can have a better life.

124
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,924
Well, if you're looking to make
up for burnin' the barn, we sure
could use a proper ostrich pen.

125
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,594
- You guys have an ostrich?
- Yeah.

126
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:09,630
We got him for the
"Racism Is Having Your Head
in the Sand" bonfire.

127
00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:12,800
We put a little K.K.K. hood
on him and let him chase
the kids around.

128
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:16,937
All right then.
I'll build that racist
ostrich a pen.

129
00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:19,907
Maybe the campers will learn
somethin' by seeing Earl Hickey
do some good.

130
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,643
- There you go.
- Just do me a favor.

131
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:25,613
Don't mention to my brother
that there's an ostrich
roamin' around.

132
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:28,882
[ Clucking ]

133
00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:40,828
What are you gonna do now,
you stupid bird?
I'm behind a fence.

134
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:45,065
Stupid chick--
[ Warbles ]

135
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:48,001
[ Softly ]
I don't wanna punch you
in the nose, big chicken,

136
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:50,003
so I'm just gonna lay down
and die now.

137
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,805
Okay?
Here I am dyin'.

138
00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:04,217
[ Whispering ]
Call the police.

139
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,556
No, no.
G-G-Go call the police.

140
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,961
[ Earl Narrating ]
Building an ostrich pen
actually felt pretty good.

141
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,764
But not as good as seeing
all the faces of the campers...

142
00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:18,799
gettin' inspired
by my positive example.

143
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,234
They couldn't keep
their eyes off me.

144
00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:30,110
- Randy, give me the nail gun.
- No, no. I-I need it.

145
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:32,680
For what?
You're not doin'
a damn thing.

146
00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:35,716
[ Shouts ]
[ Nail Gun Firing ]

147
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,852
I think I got one
in his McNugget.

148
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:42,022
- You can have it now.
- [ Boys Bickering,
Indistinct ]

149
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,792
You know what? If y'all
don't stop fightin', I swear
to God I'll slap you so hard,

150
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:46,594
you'll both switch colors.

151
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:49,262
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.

152
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:52,766
This place is crazy, huh?
It's like a farm or somethin'.

153
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,636
- What are you doin' here?
- Well, you must be doin'
somethin' right,

154
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:58,839
'cause they called us up
and told us we could bring
the boys up here.

155
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:02,042
Careful with that sander, honey.
You don't wanna injure
your toilet-scrubbing hand.

156
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:05,245
Quiero agradecer
a todo el público latino
que nos acompaña cada semana,

157
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:08,782
y para los que no son latino,
les felicito
por aprender otra idioma.

158
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:11,051
Sorry, sweetheart.
I don't speak maid.

159
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,756
We're gonna need
Dodge's birthday.

160
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,125
June--

161
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,893
Wait. Do me a favor.
What's this say?

162
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,363
That's a Smurfette
ridin' a skateboard.

163
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,899
No. Under that?

164
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:28,101
- Oh, June 10.
- Mmm, that's it.

165
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:32,740
- What about Earl Jr.?
- Darnell?

166
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,977
April 3.

167
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,046
[ Earl Narrating ]
With Catalina's help,

168
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,181
I finished the ostrich pen
a lot sooner than I thought.

169
00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,152
Well, I think
I can cross this one off.

170
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,320
I'll go get us some fresh water.

171
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:51,124
As a child, they wouldn't
let us drink from the well
because of the bodies.

172
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:54,227
Look, Earl.
They're playin' Right Choice.
Remember that?

173
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:57,631
Right Choice is,
hands on your nose.

174
00:09:57,665 --> 00:10:00,133
Right Choice is,
stand on one foot.

175
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:02,670
- All right. Now punch
your neighbor's arm.
- Ow!

176
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:05,238
- I didn't say "Right Choice."
- [ All Laugh ]

177
00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,711
[ Bobby ]
Right Choice is,
hands on your nose.

178
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:13,947
Trick is, you just watch
what everybody else is doin'
and do what they do.

179
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:18,819
[ Earl Narrating ]
I'm not sure why,
but that's when it hit me.

180
00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:21,889
I didn't just screw up
my own future by burning down
that barn,

181
00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:24,224
I screwed up Randy's too.

182
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:30,063
I'm puttin' you
on the list.
What?

183
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:32,332
I'm puttin' you
on the list.

184
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:35,268
When I got us thrown out
of here, I didn't just
destroy that barn,

185
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,671
I destroyed your chance
to be a better person.

186
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:41,341
I gotta put you on the list.
No, no, Earl. I'm glad
we got thrown out of here.

187
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:44,344
This place is total chaos.
I saw a pig eatin'
his own poo.

188
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:48,015
But, Randy, if I didn't get us
kicked out, you could've had
a completely different life.

189
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:50,851
Now look at that guy
Bobby over there.

190
00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:55,455
Perfectly pleated khakis.
Havin' a good job. Flossin'.
That could've been you.

191
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,758
I don't wanna be
that guy, Earl.
I don't wanna floss.

192
00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:00,193
It makes my tongue hurt.
Randy, give me the pen.

193
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:02,830
No.
You're goin'
on the list, Randy!

194
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,898
I don't wanna!
It's not up to you.
It's up to karma!

195
00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:06,466
[ Nail Gun Fires ]

196
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:10,303
[ Groans, Screams ]

197
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,373
Mother, mother, mother,
mother, mother, mother,
mother, mother, mother,

198
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,243
Mother!

199
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,345
Pull it out.
Pull it out!

200
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,914
Karma did this, Randy,
'cause you're not
on the list.

201
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:22,449
Put yourself
on the list!
No!

202
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:24,217
Do it!
No!

203
00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:25,986
Do it!
Do it!
No!

204
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:29,422
I burned down
the barn, okay!
I did it. It wasn't you.

205
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,424
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy wasn't lyin'.

206
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,293
Though he had been
for quite a few years.

207
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,866
Hey, Earl.
Can I have
a drag of that?

208
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:42,903
No. You're not old enough.
No smokin' till you're 10.

209
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:46,774
Come on. Let's go inside.
We're gonna play a game of
Duck Duck Everyone's a Winner.

210
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,780
[ Earl Narrating ]
But Randy didn't wanna
go inside that night.

211
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,915
He wanted to smoke.

212
00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:00,821
[ Clucking ]
Unfortunately,
he wasn't alone in the barn.

213
00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:02,489
[ Shouts ]

214
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:09,429
There you go.
Now if you do it
to the other hand,

215
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:13,433
I wanna take you
to my church so I can watch
all the old ladies cry.

216
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:17,470
I'm sorry, Earl.
The good news is, you don't
have to put me on your list.

217
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:21,308
It's not your fault
that this place didn't turn me
into a good person. It's mine.

218
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:24,845
No, no. It's not my fault
you didn't turn out
like Bobby over there.

219
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:29,516
It's your fault.
It's also your fault that
I didn't turn out like Bobby.

220
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:34,121
- You want me to make a list
of my own and put you on it?
- No, I don't, Randy.

221
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:37,791
You don't need to make a list.
Your list is right here.

222
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,928
- This is your list.
- Not anymore it's not.
It's our list.

223
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,230
Seeing how this place
coulda turned me around,

224
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:47,234
I figure you're responsible
for everything bad I did
since the summer of 1982.

225
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,136
And that's about 200 things.
Good luck.

226
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,108
Stupid Carson Daly.

227
00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:01,548
[ Snores ]

228
00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:04,251
Wakey, wakey,
hands off snakey.

229
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:08,055
- What are you doin'?
- Time to get up. Gotta get
started on your list.

230
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:11,992
I chose the first one.
Took doughnuts from a bank
where I was not a customer.

231
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:15,295
- Do I have to go now?
- Randy, people don't want their
doughnuts in the afternoon.

232
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:18,098
Oh, sure they would.

233
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:21,068
If you put gravy on 'em.
Or meat inside.

234
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:24,137
With that smart frog
from Return of the Jedi
on my back.

235
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:27,507
- [ Continues Snoring ]
- Randy, wake up.

236
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,609
Poopie trim--
Huh?

237
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:33,246
[ Chattering ]

238
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:38,518
Can't I just leave 'em on
the table with the other stuff?
Nope.

239
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,620
You gotta tell people
what you did
and why you're here.

240
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,455
All of 'em?
All of 'em.

241
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,593
- Everybody, listen up!
- [ Women Shrieking ]

242
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:51,098
Drop the doughnuts!
Just drop the doughnuts.

243
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,200
[ Woman Whimpers ]

244
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:01,174
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy spent the whole day
crossin' things off my list.

245
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:10,884
My name in Earl,
and I stole this birdbath
out of a pickup truck...

246
00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:12,585
in the parking lot
of this building.

247
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,554
Is it yours?

248
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,563
[ Smacks Lips ]
Nope.

249
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:42,983
This birdbath was stolen
out of the back
of a pickup truck--

250
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:46,119
It is bad luck
to accept a birdbath
from a stranger.

251
00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:52,926
- [ Groaning ]
- My name is Earl.

252
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,062
What up, Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop?

253
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:57,164
[ Both Laugh ]

254
00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:02,469
[ Earl Narrating ]
It wasn't easy, but the hard
things in life never are.

255
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:05,338
Randy was responsible
for who I became,

256
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:07,975
and it was his job to make up
for everything bad I did.

257
00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:11,511
Sir, my name is Earl,

258
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:14,381
and I slept with your wife.

259
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:18,351
- [ Groans ]
- Was it in my own house?
In my own bed?

260
00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:22,122
Uh, I'll check.

261
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:34,567
It was in your own house,
but it was on the couch,

262
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:38,071
the counter,
the piano, the--
[ Groans ]

263
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:40,740
Wait.
I've been married
a few times.

264
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,410
Who are you
talking about?

265
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,278
I'll find out.

266
00:15:57,090 --> 00:16:00,760
It was Sherry.
Sherry?
That's fine.

267
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,396
If you had said Linda,
that'd be another story.

268
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:16,109
Done.
He was okay with it
so long as it wasn't Linda.

269
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,345
Check out number 188.

270
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,591
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was relaxin' to have Randy
do my list for me.

271
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:33,760
Kind of like a vacation.

272
00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:37,530
But then he came across
somethin' on the list
he couldn't do on his own.

273
00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:40,633
- I got one I can't do.
- Too bad.
Figure it out.

274
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,103
I can't.
Number 98--

275
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:45,672
told Dodge and Earl Jr.
we would have...

276
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:48,275
a father-son day
at Mystery Fun Land
and didn't take them.

277
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:52,112
[ Earl Narrating ]
I had promised the boys...

278
00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:54,214
I'd take them
to Mystery Fun Land.

279
00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:57,150
But I had also promised myself
I'd go to an AC/DC concert.

280
00:16:57,184 --> 00:17:01,388
- Hey, boys!
- You told us you would take us
to Mystery Fun Land.

281
00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:04,491
Front row.
They opened
with "Moneytalks."

282
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:12,199
Well, I would have probably
taken 'em if I didn't get
kicked out of camp, Randy.

283
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,701
I would have probably had
my own Mystery Fun Land.

284
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:17,270
On my own private island.

285
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:20,173
- The "Earlhamas."
- The "Earlhamas"?

286
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:23,276
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe I'd be rich
and own a bunch of islands.

287
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:25,312
Would there have been
an island for me?

288
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,680
Yeah, probably.
Damn it.

289
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,317
[ Woman Announcer On TV,
Indistinct ]

290
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:35,188
Well, I can't fix this one.
They won't let me sign Dodge and
Earl Jr. out of bad kid camp.

291
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:38,791
They say either you or Joy
or Darnell have to do it.

292
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:40,660
[ Exhales ]

293
00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:44,397
Fine.
I'll do this one.

294
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:47,367
But you gotta do another one
while I'm gone.

295
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,469
Number 53--

296
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:53,106
put used gum under almost
every table I've ever sat at.

297
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:55,242
[ TV Continues,
Indistinct ]

298
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:02,815
How am I supposed to know
which ones are "mines"
and which ones are yours?

299
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:08,321
You kids ready
to have a good time?
[ Together ] Yeah!

300
00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:11,758
[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and the boys headed on down
to Mystery Fun Land.

301
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:15,862
I figured after a couple hours
of Skee-Ball and a handful
of rides on the bumper cars,

302
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:18,165
I'd be able
to cross 'em off my list...

303
00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:22,169
and get back to watchin'
buildings fall down on TV.

304
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:25,838
However, there was
a small problem with that plan.

305
00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:27,907
Mystery Fun Land was gone.

306
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:31,278
It's gone.
What?

307
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,480
Mystery Fun Land.

308
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,548
It's gone.
They tore it down.

309
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:39,452
I can't cross you
off the list.

310
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:41,688
You mean,
your idiot list?

311
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:44,224
Is that what
your mom calls it?
Yeah.

312
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:48,695
She puts another word
in front of idiot,
but I don't know what it means.

313
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:50,897
The guy in Scarface
says it a lot.

314
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:52,699
I know what it means.

315
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,868
Yeah, my idiot list.

316
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:59,739
You guys are on here
'cause I didn't take you
to Fun Land. You're number 98.

317
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:03,576
But if there's no Fun Land,
there's no way
to cross you off.

318
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:06,513
I don't know what
I'm supposed to do. This has
never happened before.

319
00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:08,915
What if we just forgive you?

320
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,318
What?

321
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:15,555
When someone tells the truth
and says they're sorry,
you forgive them.

322
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:18,925
That's what we learned
at camp.

323
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:21,428
[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when they made me
realize somethin'.

324
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:24,364
It's never too late to make
the right choices in life.

325
00:19:24,397 --> 00:19:29,269
And forgivin' people you love--
Well, that's a right choice
I still hadn't made.

326
00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:33,373
If these little monsters
could forgive me, why couldn't
I forgive my own brother?

327
00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:49,422
- [ Sniffs ] Nicorette.
That's yours, Joy.
- Hey, doofus.

328
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:51,958
If I wanted to see
that again, I wouldn't have
put it up under the table.

329
00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:54,361
Why don't you go
get started on the back
of my headboard?

330
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:56,796
Anything that's grape
was put there by Earl.

331
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:03,303
- Randy, you can stop now.
- I gotta go start
on the headboard.

332
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:05,772
No, it's okay.
It's not your list anymore.

333
00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:08,007
I forgive you.
What?

334
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,377
I know you're sorry
for what you did back then,

335
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,645
and when somebody you love
is sorry, you forgive 'em.

336
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:15,415
I am sorry I burned down
that barn, Earl.

337
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:18,351
I know you are.
It's okay.

338
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:21,754
Oh, my God.
You two are a couple
of fruits.

339
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:24,357
I think it's sweet.

340
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:26,793
Well, why don't y'all
go have a three-way?

341
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:29,496
Pack of fruitcakes.

342
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:35,402
I don't care
what she thinks.

343
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:37,804
I don't either, Randy.

344
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,939
My God,
I'm gonna vomit.

345
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,049
Hey, Earl?

346
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,485
Yeah, Randy?

347
00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:56,956
Do you think an ostrich
could get all the way here
from the Right Choice Ranch?

348
00:20:56,989 --> 00:21:00,860
Yeah. I mean, it could
probably walk that distance
if it really wanted to.

349
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:04,431
But I think the chances of it
headin' in the right direction,
gettin' up the stairs...

350
00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:06,966
and findin' this particular room
are pretty slim.

351
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,880
I'm gonna make sure
the door is locked.

352
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:25,818
[ Door Lock Clicks ]