1 00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,737 You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things... 2 00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:07,341 and then wonders why his life sucks? 3 00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:11,112 Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me, 4 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:13,247 somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner. 5 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,051 Karma. 6 00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:19,187 That's when I realized I had to change. 7 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:23,391 So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, 8 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:26,360 and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. 9 00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:28,329 I'm just tryin' to be a better person. 10 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,631 My name is Earl. 11 00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,535 [ Chattering ] 12 00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,837 All right, everybody. 13 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,107 The competition starts in two minutes. Two minutes. 14 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,309 Get your spot. 15 00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:46,180 You know the rules. Competitor puts their hand on the car. 16 00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:50,118 If at any point in time they take their hand off the car, they're out. 17 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:54,688 You can't come between us. We're Chinese twins. Yeah. 18 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:57,425 [ Earl Narrating ] So why am I trying to win a car... 19 00:00:57,458 --> 00:01:00,394 when I already have a perfectly good 1973 El Camino... 20 00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:04,232 with a 1977 door and a 1987 Camaro transmission? 21 00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:07,601 Well, it's not for me. It's for the list. 22 00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:09,503 Number 74-- always ruined Joy's Christmas. 23 00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:15,509 When Joy and I were married, I wasn't exactly thoughtful with my gift-givin'. 24 00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:21,449 What are these for? Whatever you want, baby. 25 00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:34,862 - How are these for me? - They're flavored. Merry Christmas. 26 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,702 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 27 00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:46,440 - Wait. These are my keys. - I know. I found 'em. 28 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:57,151 Do we have to give this car to Joy if we win? 29 00:01:57,185 --> 00:02:01,322 We could use a new car ourselves. You know, one to do stunts with. 30 00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:04,325 Randy, I didn't give her a real Christmas gift for six years. 31 00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:07,428 - I gotta give her something big to make up for that. - But she already has a car. 32 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:10,498 Excuse me, ma'am. Thank you. 33 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:13,834 [ Thunder Rumbling ] [ Earl Narrating ] Joy did already have a car. 34 00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:16,470 Wipe your feet before you come in, boys. 35 00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:20,208 But it wasn't very practical for the whole family. 36 00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:23,611 All right, one minute. One minute till the competition begins. 37 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,679 Earl. 38 00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:28,282 - Randy. - Catalina, where have you been? 39 00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:32,253 I had... to blow... 40 00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:34,188 off work. 41 00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:37,325 Well, hurry in here. This thing's about to start. 42 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,227 [ Catalina ] Excuse me. Excuse me. Permiso. 43 00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:41,195 [ Man ] We were here first. [ Woman ] Yeah. 44 00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:42,830 I'm on. 45 00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:47,401 I'm Johnny Bubble Wrap, pop, pop, pop, poppin' with ya live... 46 00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:49,537 at our hands on a car competition. 47 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:52,806 - Who wants to win a car? - [ Cheering ] 48 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:58,579 All right, everybody. Hands on the car. 49 00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,682 Three, two, one. 50 00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,784 Don't let go. 51 00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:05,853 Thanks for doing this with me, Randy. 52 00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,689 If we work together as a team, keep an eye on each other, 53 00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,991 make sure we stay alert, I think we can win this. 54 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,227 Let's do it. Yep. 55 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:14,995 [ Buzzer ] You're out! 56 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:18,566 No, no, no. I was just shakin' his hand. 57 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:21,802 - I didn't mean to. - Oh. You're out! 58 00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,338 Yeah. You're out, buddy. 59 00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:26,540 You are out. [ Laughs ] [ Buzzer ] 60 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:31,579 Damn it. 61 00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,714 This sucks. What am I gonna do now? 62 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:37,618 Don't worry, Earl. Me and Catalina are here. We're gonna win. 63 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:40,254 - [ Man Grunts ] - Thanks, Randy. 64 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:41,955 Keep your hand on the roof. 65 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:48,662 [ Earl Narrating ] While Randy was keeping his hand on the car for me, 66 00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:51,499 I thought I'd take care of another thing on my list. 67 00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:56,304 You see, Joy wasn't the only person I disappointed when it came to Christmas presents. 68 00:03:56,337 --> 00:04:00,341 [ Both Chuckling ] 69 00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,843 - Earl, did you finish putting the boys' bikes together? - Uh-huh. 70 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,913 There better be some of that beer left for Christmas mornin'. 71 00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:09,350 We should go on a beer run. Are we okay to drive? 72 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:11,885 I know a good way to find out. 73 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:15,589 If I can steer that remote control car around the living room without crashing, 74 00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,758 then we're okay. 75 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,593 Randy, that's the cat. 76 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:24,031 - [ Meows ] - We shouldn't drive. 77 00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:26,600 [ Chuckles ] 78 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:29,303 That's when I realized we might be too drunk to drive, 79 00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:31,439 but we weren't too drunk to pedal. 80 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,574 Although I learned a valuable lesson that night. 81 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,743 If you're gonna try to fly a bicycle, 82 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:39,012 you better make sure E.T. is sitting in your basket instead of a 12-pack of beer. 83 00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:40,581 [ Bike Horn Honks ] [ Crash ] 84 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,650 [ Distorted Horn Honks ] 85 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,657 Well, I guess you two weren't good enough this year, huh? 86 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:51,825 That's a shame. 87 00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:53,827 [ Bicycle Bell Rings ] [ Distorted Horn Honks ] 88 00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:56,564 Knowin' I owed these poor kids a couple of bikes, 89 00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:59,533 I went over to ask Joy what color they might like. 90 00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,935 Hello? Earl! 91 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:04,938 Son of a bitch. [ Laughs ] 92 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:07,408 Buzz and Connie Darville. Joy's parents. 93 00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,610 Good people. Business owners. 94 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:13,080 Hi. We're the Darvilles. Of Darville's Waterbeds in Medford. 95 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:16,116 If you can find a cheaper place in Medford to buy a water bed, 96 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,019 well, you're not in Medford, because we're the only water bed store. 97 00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:21,922 So come on down if you wanna sleep on water. 98 00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:23,924 [ Together ] You don't have any other choice. 99 00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:25,926 [ Announcer ] Darville Waterbeds, 100 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,995 where Route 2 meets the railroad tracks. 101 00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:31,131 Look for the big blue sign, go two miles south, make a left, 102 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,367 and park behind the Dumpster. 103 00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:35,369 - Buzz, Connie. - You're back. 104 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:38,606 - I'm what? - Welcome home, soldier. 105 00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,374 [ Joy ] You're back. 106 00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:42,976 Oh, my God! You're back. [ Chuckles ] 107 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,646 You're back from Iraq, home for the holidays. 108 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,781 Back from the war in Iraq. 109 00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:57,525 I prayed you'd come home safely, Son. 110 00:05:57,558 --> 00:06:00,160 You bring any of that Middle East sand with you? 111 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:03,464 Check your shoes, Son. 'Cause you can sell that stuff on the Internet. 112 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:06,166 I bought a towel from one of Saddam's bathrooms. 113 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:10,103 Had a dove on it. You believe that? A dove. 114 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,706 - That hypocritical son of a bitch. - Son of a bitch. 115 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:15,175 [ Chuckles ] Mama, Daddy, 116 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:18,479 he's been gone for months, and a wife has her needs, 117 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,581 so if y'all will excuse us. 118 00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:23,484 - Take me to the bedroom. - What? 119 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,385 Take me to the bedroom. 120 00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,791 - Go on, Son. You-- You've earned it. - Thanks. 121 00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:37,765 What the hell is goin' on? Why are your parents still callin' me "Son"? 122 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:40,100 - They think we're still married. - What? 123 00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:41,969 Shh. 124 00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,171 You know how traditional my parents are. 125 00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:48,075 If they found out I got divorced and married to a black man, they'd crap in a sock. 126 00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,678 They think of me as their little angel. Now come on. 127 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:54,515 Help me slosh around on the water bed and make it sound like we're doin' it. 128 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:56,517 [ Earl Narrating ] This isn't the first time... 129 00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,752 Joy's asked me to lie to her parents about Darnell. 130 00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:02,022 She'd made me do it when we were married and she had his baby. 131 00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:05,058 You know how, uh, sometimes two, uh, black people... 132 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,695 will make an albino baby? 133 00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:12,566 Yeah. I've seen that at the mall. That is weird. 134 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,536 You been away too long. Too long. 135 00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:18,071 Wait. Why is your mother in a wheelchair? 136 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,041 It's been a rough year. She got rheumatoid arthritis and kidney failure. 137 00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,877 Has to get dialysis twice a week, poor thing. 138 00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:27,147 [ Water Sloshing ] Oh, yeah. Give it to me, Earl. 139 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,584 Give it to me like you gave it to those terrorists. Oh, yeah. 140 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:33,987 Wouldn't mind you being that passionate sometimes. 141 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,056 Her legs work. 142 00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:41,495 I'm not gonna do this, Joy. I got my list now. 143 00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:43,564 I'm trying to be a better person. 144 00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:46,199 I'm not gonna lie to a woman in a wheelchair. 145 00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:49,970 Earl, if Daddy finds out about Darnell, I won't get a penny in his will. 146 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:53,006 He found out I was gonna go on a date with a black guy in high school, 147 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,809 and he threatened to take away all my white blue jeans. 148 00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:58,712 Darnell's okay with this? He doesn't care that his wife's father is a racist? 149 00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:02,716 Darnell is fine with it. Not everybody is tryin' to change the world, Earl. 150 00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:05,786 Some of us are just trying to get our fair taste of a water bed business... 151 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,955 when our parents kick the bucket. 152 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,290 [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Darnell was fine with it. 153 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:13,527 While Joy's parents were in town, he was staying at a nativity scene... 154 00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:18,231 down at the local church since there wasn't room for him at his own double-wide inn. 155 00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:22,035 - I can't lie to 'em, Joy. It's bad karma. - Karma this, dummy. 156 00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:26,574 If you tell them the truth, they'll both get in their R.V. and drive home. 157 00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:30,177 - That's not my problem. - You're gonna ruin Christmas, Earl. 158 00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:32,245 [ Earl Narrating ] She had me. 159 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:35,749 The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Christmas. 160 00:08:35,783 --> 00:08:39,252 So the next few days, I pretended Joy and I were still married. 161 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:48,228 What's it like fightin' over there in the desert? 162 00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:53,000 Well, Buzz, it's a lot like the beach. 163 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:57,070 Except the sharks have guns, and they're runnin' around on the sand shootin' at ya... 164 00:08:57,104 --> 00:08:59,239 and yellin' in a fish language you don't understand. 165 00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,141 It-- It got to me. 166 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,078 He's my hero. 167 00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:08,148 Oh, honey. Yes, he is. 168 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,183 [ Earl Narrating ] I'd take the day shift, 169 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:13,353 and Darnell would sneak back in for the night shift. 170 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:18,225 Thanks, Earl. It's cold outside in that manger. I don't know how Jesus did it. 171 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:21,662 No problem, Crab Man. I'll be back in the morning. 172 00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:24,932 - Put a beer can in the window when it's safe to come in. - Okay. 173 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:28,035 [ Earl Narrating ] While I was busy making sure I didn't ruin Joy's Christmas, 174 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,103 Randy was keeping his hand on that car... 175 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:33,040 so I could cross her off for ruinin' the last six. 176 00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:41,348 [ Earl Narrating ] After a few days, time took its toll, 177 00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:44,117 and there were only three people left-- and one of them was gettin' tired. 178 00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,320 [ Mouthing Words ] 179 00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:52,025 [ Screaming ] [ Buzzer ] 180 00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:54,895 - You're out. - Damn it. 181 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:58,098 We did it, Catalina. We won. Joy's gonna get her car. 182 00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:01,401 Joy? I'm not doing this for Joy. I hate Joy. 183 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:05,806 B-But I-- I thought we were doing this together. You know, like a team. 184 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:09,376 I never said that. When I win this car, I'm keeping it. 185 00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:11,912 But Catalina, winning this car for Joy... 186 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,914 is my Christmas present to Earl. 187 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,784 This is for a family at Christmas. 188 00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:21,354 - You know, feliz "naviblah." - That means nothing. 189 00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:25,092 To you, maybe, but in American that means Christmas in Mexican. 190 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,897 Joy and her dad had taken the boys to the mall, 191 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:32,766 so it was the perfect time to sneak their new bikes into the trailer. 192 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,236 Joy's mom was home, but I was confident she could keep a secret. 193 00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:38,171 [ Connie ] Go, go, go! Yes, go, yes, go! 194 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:41,308 Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes! 195 00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,711 Go, go, go, go! 196 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:47,347 Atta baby! Go, baby! Go, baby, go, baby! Go, go, go, go. 197 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,382 Oh, damn-- it. 198 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:52,152 Hey. 199 00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,421 Turns out Connie had a secret of her own. 200 00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:03,363 - You can walk. - Oh, my God. 201 00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:06,900 - Is that what I'm doing? - Were you gambling? 202 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:11,071 Fine. Damn it. I've got a gambling problem, okay? 203 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,974 Not all of us can be lucky enough to get our thrills... 204 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,309 from going off and killing bad people. 205 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:20,714 - Don't you judge me. - No, I-I'm not judging you. I-- 206 00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:23,817 I'm just a little surprised, that's all. So you're not sick? 207 00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:26,286 I fake dialysis so Buzz doesn't know I go to the track. 208 00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:30,123 He thinks we get a 10% discount if I pay the doctor in cash. 209 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:36,296 Buzz, give me a thousand dollars. I gotta go in for dialysis. 210 00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:39,099 Again? You just went this morning. Yeah. 211 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:41,401 My kidney's really flarin' up today. 212 00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:43,370 Let me take you. Just give me the grand. 213 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,505 Post time's in 20 minutes. Post time? 214 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,275 I don't have time to explain medical terms to you. 215 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,510 My kidney's failin'. 216 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:54,114 I understand the kidney stuff to explain the money and the time to go gamble. 217 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:57,851 But why the wheelchair? Seems unnecessary. 218 00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:00,854 I sprained my ankle a few months ago, and I got used to being pushed around. 219 00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,990 - Don't you judge me. - No, I'm not-- 220 00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:06,760 - [ Car Horn Honks ] - [ Connie ] Oh, my God. Is that them? 221 00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:09,229 Oh, my God. Earl, please don't tell. They're gonna be so mad. 222 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,999 You're not gonna let 'em know, are you? It'll ruin Christmas. 223 00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:15,068 You don't want to ruin Christmas, do you, Earl? 224 00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:17,838 [ Earl Narrating ] The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Christmas. 225 00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:23,210 - [ Gasps ] - [ Earl Groans ] 226 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:27,180 Her favorite song came on the radio, and she really wanted to dance. 227 00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:30,150 [ Snapping Fingers ] 228 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:33,153 While I was busy keeping everyone's secrets, 229 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:37,057 Randy and Catalina were battling it out for the car. 230 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,293 For a woman who spent four days on a raft to get to America, 231 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:43,563 Catalina was surprisingly sensitive to the sun. 232 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,333 Catalina? 233 00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,435 Catalina? Papa? 234 00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:50,437 No, Catalina. It's me, your friend Randy. 235 00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:53,841 I don't know where the goat went, Papa. 236 00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:59,079 You bastard. When a woman faints, you catch her. 237 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:02,182 When a woman faints, she doesn't keep her hand on the car. 238 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:05,252 Damn. My elbow's bleeding. I hit a rock. 239 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,855 And this is my favorite elbow. 240 00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:10,157 Don't show me blood. I-- I can't see blood. 241 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:13,160 Why? Do you have a problem with blood? 242 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,295 [ Groans ] 243 00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:17,330 - [ Buzzer ] - You're out! 244 00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:19,299 We got a winner. 245 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:27,975 Well, congratulations. We have a lot of paperwork to fill out. 246 00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,577 You wanna start by giving me your Social Security number? 247 00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:33,180 My what? 248 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:35,849 Your Social Security number. 249 00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:37,584 Of course. 250 00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:40,020 4-2... 251 00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:43,356 1-3-6-7-8... 252 00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:46,493 2-5-7-6... 253 00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:52,132 8-14-11-6. 254 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,902 Six. You a citizen? 255 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:06,479 [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Catalina had a secret of her own. 256 00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:21,528 Randy won the car by default. 257 00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,097 Everything was fallin' into place. 258 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:31,698 [ Gasps ] 259 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:36,069 Hey-- 260 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:39,339 Hey, Connie. Where are you goin'? 261 00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:42,575 To the Indian casino. I have to gamble, Earl. I have a problem. 262 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,611 Don't judge me. What-- 263 00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:46,479 But that's Joy's Christmas gift. 264 00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:55,655 [ Starter Cranking ] 265 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,581 Where's the car? 266 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,053 At the Indian casino. I lost it. 267 00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,688 How could you lose the car? 268 00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,523 Place your bets. Place your bets. 269 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,497 Dodge Neon on number seven. 270 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:40,267 Dodge Neon. 271 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:43,370 - Dodge Neon plays. - Yes. 272 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:48,441 I can't believe you lost my car. That car was for Joy. 273 00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:52,179 - I was gonna give it to her for Christmas. - Don't you judge me. 274 00:16:57,217 --> 00:17:00,053 Come on. It's been 20 minutes. It's my turn. 275 00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:02,722 No, it hasn't. I been counting. You said we'd share. 276 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:09,496 Maybe you can go out to the dealership in the morning... 277 00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,598 and get a new one, you know? 278 00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:14,401 I think they give discounts to soldiers. 279 00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:16,503 Connie? You're walkin'. 280 00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,607 It's a Christmas miracle. 281 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,242 [ Door Opens ] 282 00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:26,379 Mama, where's your wheelchair? 283 00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,648 Connie, what's goin' on? 284 00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:31,384 I'm done, Connie. 285 00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:35,788 Oh. Okay. I have a gambling problem. 286 00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:39,326 My kidneys are fine. I been using the dialysis money to go gamble. 287 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,728 I've lost everything. Don't judge me. 288 00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:45,132 Whoa, whoa-- Wait, wait. What-- What do you mean everything? 289 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:48,401 Remember when I told you to sign the business over to me in case something bad happened? 290 00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:51,338 Something bad happened. Mama found on-line Pai Gow. 291 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:53,573 That business was gonna be mine. 292 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:56,309 How could you do this to the family? How-- 293 00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,845 How could you lie right to our faces? 294 00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:01,248 Baby, we got any orange soda? 295 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:05,785 - Oh, my God, it's a Negro. Quick, we're bein' robbed! - I got him. 296 00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:09,622 - Earl! Grab his feet, Son. - Let him go, Buzz. 297 00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,592 Help me hold him till the cops get here, Son. 298 00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:15,228 Stop callin' me "Son," okay? I'm not your son. 299 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:17,797 I can't do this anymore. 300 00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:20,467 - He's your son. - What? 301 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,702 I'm your son. 302 00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,704 You are? 303 00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:26,906 You Thelma's boy? 304 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,576 [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Buzz had a secret of his own. 305 00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:35,215 Joy was wrong. Her father didn't hate black people. 306 00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:37,217 He loved 'em. 307 00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,718 [ Giggling ] 308 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:45,825 - How'd you find me? - Well, he is your son. 309 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:48,628 Look at his ears. He's got white people ears. 310 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:50,930 My God. He is not your son. 311 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,500 He's my husband, you idiot. 312 00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:56,369 - I didn't tell you 'cause I thought you were racist. - I'm not racist. 313 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:59,339 Why'd you flip out when I wanted to go out with that black guy in high school? 314 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:03,676 Because... that particular black guy was your half-brother. 315 00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:06,846 - One of 'em. - You lyin' son of a bitch. 316 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:09,882 Well, ain't that the pot callin' the kettle black. 317 00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:13,553 I'm a black pot, am I? That'd turn you on, wouldn't it, buster? 318 00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:17,657 You wanna do it to a black pot? You wanna dance, Mr. Kettle? 319 00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:20,693 [ Earl Narrating ] They argued like this for the rest of the night, 320 00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:23,696 each one of 'em thinking that the other's secret was worse than their own. 321 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,567 But eventually, morning came, 322 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,470 and when the sun came up and the creatures started to stir, 323 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,339 well, they had to stop. 324 00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:39,512 * Have a holly jolly Christmas 325 00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:43,350 * It's the best time of the year * 326 00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:46,986 * I don't know if there'll be snow * 327 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,289 * But have a cup of cheer 328 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,425 [ Earl Narrating ] And before you knew it, the fightin' was over. 329 00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:55,828 Sure, they all had secrets-- big ones. 330 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,299 But the truth is, the only reason everybody was keepin' their secrets... 331 00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:02,335 was 'cause they didn't want to lose each other. 332 00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:05,672 Now that they had nothin' to hide, they could just relax and enjoy Christmas. 333 00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:12,379 And that meant Joy had the best Christmas she's ever had. 334 00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:14,314 I could cross her off my list. 335 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,849 * ...kiss her once for me 336 00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:20,820 * Have a holly jolly Christmas 337 00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:23,956 * And in case you didn't hear 338 00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:29,829 * Oh, by golly have a holly jolly Christmas this year * 339 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:39,272 Hey, Earl? Yeah, Randy? 340 00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:42,342 What's your favorite Christmas gift you ever got? 341 00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:45,478 Probably my Stretch Armstrong Stretch Monster. You? 342 00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:47,714 Weeble wobbles. 343 00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:51,984 - Earl? - Yeah? 344 00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:55,555 I was the one who cut open your Stretch Armstrong Stretch Monster... 345 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,924 to see what was inside. 346 00:20:57,957 --> 00:20:59,992 I know, Randy. 347 00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:05,798 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.