You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me,
somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
Good morning.
Could I have two beers and three of them pink eggs out of the big jar, please?
You got it.
Hey, everybody! I'm Gus, the Camden County Fair bear.
Who's ready for some fun?
Enjoy food, fun, prizes, an Osama bin Laden shooting gallery.
And this year, get your picture taken inside the actual car...
from Smokey and the Bandit.
It's gonna be bear-tastic.
It's here. It's here!
Earl. Earl, it's here! It's here!
[ Earl Narrating ] Every year there are three things Randy gets excited about--
amnesty day at the adult video store, the high school cheerleader bikini dog wash...
and the Camden County Fair.
What exactly is a county fair?
It's like Disneyland for poor people.
They got a Ferris wheel, bumper boats, bands you thought were dead.
Last year, they had the world's tallest midget.
He was as tall as you, Earl, remember?
I think that might have been a scam, Randy.
I don't know. That was one tall midget.
This year, they got the car from Smokey and the Bandit.
- What is Smokey and the Bandit? - Only the best movie ever made.
Hurry up, Earl. I wanna get down there...
before the lines are too long for the world's smallest giant.
We'll go, right after I cross somethin' off my list.
But you did two yesterday. Can't you take the day off?
Randy, I can't enjoy myself at the fair unless I cross somethin' off.
All right, well, pick something easy. I will.
Not the deaf girl. That's gonna take forever.
Here we go. Number 139-- stole beer from a golfer.
[ Chattering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] About seven months ago, I was playing a game of chance...
with a few of my friends over at the local country club.
Son of a bitch.
That's it for me, Pablo. I'm tapped out.
Good luck, fellas. Good night.
Cashew. Fancy.
Beers are on me, boys. I just got a hole in one. [ Men Cheering ]
Here you go, sir.
[ Earl Narrating ] To some people a free beer might not mean too much,
but for a guy who just lost his last $12...
and is stuffing free nuts in his pocket, it's a lifesaver.
I explained to Randy how this guy buys drinks after he gets one of these holes in ones,
and the next Saturday we went back for more free beer.
To make sure we looked like we belonged there,
we went by the thrift store and picked up some golfing clothes.
Hey.
You just finished playing a golf match contest?
- Yep. - You get any holes in ones?
- No. - You sure? You got one last week.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I didn't.
- What'd you shoot? - Who, me?
Yeah. You get any birdies out there?
I got... 12.
You got 12 birdies? How many under were you?
I, um--
Excuse me. I have to go call my banker.
What's that guy's handicap? Ah, he's just a little slow, that's all.
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out, holes in ones don't happen that often.
So, we decided to help things out a little.
Oh! [ Shouting ]
Guess who just got another hole in one?
[ All Cheering ]
Every Saturday, Randy and I would make sure this guy hit a perfect shot.
Next Saturday, if I break 80, I'm buying all you guys lunch, huh?
[ All Cheering ]
Knowing that we could start gettin' free lunch with our free beer,
Randy and I made sure this guy had the game of his life.
Guys, you aren't gonna believe this, but I just got another hole in one...
and the new course record. No way!
You're the man! Hey, let's get these boys some hot wings,
and make 'em spicy, 'cause I'm on fire. He's on fire!
Yeah! Yeah! Make mine mild. I got a sensitive tongue.
Every Saturday we would make sure the golfer played good enough to pay our bar tab.
Ow!
Things were great,
until Randy started bragging to everyone at the Crab Shack.
Guess who just got another--
That was the day they started checking I.D.'s at the door.
The free ride was over.
All I have to do is buy that golfer some beer. Easy enough for you?
Eastbound and down. Let's do it, Snowman.
You mean the Bandit. I'm the Bandit, you're Snowman.
How come you always get to be the Bandit?
'Cause I got a mustache. You gotta have a mustache to be the Bandit.
My mother could be the Bandit.
- I can't believe you did that. - I know. It's crazy.
But it's true. It's right here on my list-- "Stole beer from a golfer."
I'm here to make things right. So if you wanna give me a hand,
we can load this beer into your car, and I'll be on my way.
We're going to the fair. You know, the one the bear talks about on TV.
You were fixing my games.
I thought I had mastered golf. I was gonna go pro.
This is why I've been so bad lately. I just thought I was in a slump.
I've done nothing for the past five months except try to get good again.
I had a tendon from my thigh put in my arm to try to get more release from my drives.
Well, now you can stop wasting your time and start drinking some free beer.
Go ahead and pop open your trunk.
We'll get these cases in there so I can cross you off my list.
Sure. Whatever.
Your trunk's kind of full. How you gonna get all this beer back to your house?
This is my house.
You live in your car? Cool.
I kind of remember something about you having some sort of fancy job or something.
I was an accountant at Buckland and Simon, but I got fired after I kind of lost my focus.
[ Man ] About six points from--
Sorry.
I had a, uh, uh, doctor's appointment.
Once I got obsessed with golf, it's all I thought about. I lost everything.
But now you have beer. So sometimes things work out.
Thanks for telling me the truth. You can cross me off your list thing.
- Go have fun at the fair. - Oh, we will.
[ Singsongy ] Fair, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair.
Sorry again. See ya.
Fair, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair.
He doesn't look happy. Who?
Scott, the guy living in his car. It's my fault, Randy.
I ruined his life. I gotta fix it.
Fix what? He's got a nice car.
It's got a TV in it, Earl.
I'm not done with him until I get him his job back.
Gus, the fair bear here.
Three days left and then the fair goes into hibernation.
So don't get caught napping. Come to the fair. It's bear-riffic!
Bear-riffic.
I wanted 'em to take me seriously when I went to try and get Scott his job back,
so I wore the suit my public defender bought me.
So wait a minute. You made him think he was great at golf just to get free beer?
- Yes, we did. - Unbelievable!
Will you take him back?
Sure I'll take him back, just for the jokes alone.
[ Laughing ]
Hello?
Oh, hey, Earl. Coffee?
Got your job back, buddy.
You're kidding. That's amazing. Thank you so much.
- That's what I do-- I fix things. - Wow.
Too bad I don't have my girlfriend back. Then things would be perfect.
- Your who? - Tess.
Turns out Scott lost more than just his job--
[ Golf Club Swinging ] when he became obsessed with golf.
[ Golf Club Swinging ]
Honey, would you mind scooching down to the other end of the couch?
I can see you moving around in my backswing, and it's a little distracting.
I'm breaking up with you.
When I get back home, I want you out.
Okay, honey. You have fun.
Would you grab my new putting machine from the car on the way back up, please?
What's wrong with me?
Let's go call your girlfriend.
No, no. You don't have to do that.
Yes, I do, Scott. Yes, I do.
[ Moans ]
Hey, everybody, only two days left to see the car from Smokey and the Bandit.
It's bear-awesome!
Oh, man, it is bear-awesome. We're never gonna make it to the fair.
She took the phone off the hook. Don't worry. We'll get her.
And then we'll go to the fair. We just have to figure out how to get his girl back.
What would the Bandit do, Bandit?
Bandit wouldn't have lost the girl in the first place.
No, he wouldn't have.
But guys from other movies have.
Maybe the Bandit never had to get a girl back,
but I did see a movie once where the guy from Ferris Bueller did.
So I thought we'd try that.
What the hell are you doing?
- Is that a cross? - No.
No, no. God, no! That's my seven iron resting on top of the--
I'm trying to show my old girlfriend I'm giving up golf.
- She lives right above you. Sorry. - Scott?
What are you doing?
- I'm proving my love. - By burning a swastika in my yard?
- What? Oh, man! - I got it.
I'm burning my golf clubs 'cause I'm done with golf. I'll do anything to get you back.
I never should have put golf ahead of you. Please forgive me.
I miss you.
[ Sighs ] I miss you too.
- [ Earl ] Damn it! - Who is that?
That's Earl. I'm on his list. How you doin'?
Hi. Oh, your foot is on fire.
Hmm? [ Gasps ]
[ Screaming ] Get it off! Get it off!
[ Glass Smashing ]
- We're not moving! - Sorry, sir.
Well, that's the last one. You're officially moved back in.
[ Car Horn Honking ] Hold on.
I'm comin'.
Okay. You got your job back, your girlfriend.
You're moved back into your old place. I think we're done.
Thank you so much. This is so great. Life is back to normal again.
Poochie. Poochie.
Come here, boy! Poochie! Poochie.
Uh, S-Scott? Huh?
Poochie's gone.
What do you mean?
When you left, I had to take a second job to pay the rent.
I couldn't take care of him. I gave him up for adoption.
[ Sighs ] I'll find your dog.
- What? - It's my fault he's gone.
Just write the name of the pet adoption place...
on the back of the picture and I'll find him.
Okay. Great. Thanks.
No, Earl, you've already done so much. You can cross me off the list.
I don't mind. It doesn't matter if you mind. Karma minds.
Your old life had a Poochie, I gotta find your Poochie.
That's how the list works.
Come on, Bandit. We got a long way to go and a short time to get there.
Sorry, Snowman. We got a little longer to go.
- You guys are gonna find Poochie. - No, no, Earl. The fair.
Excuse us.
I hate you.
Look, I have to do this. The fair. It's almost over.
Really, Randy? The fair's in town?
This is the first time you've said anything about it.
You said we wouldn't miss it. You'd cross something easy off your list, and then we'd go.
What do you want me to do? Maybe if you'd quit whining...
about the stupid fair and helped out a little more, maybe I'd be done already.
Since when is the fair stupid? We've been going since we were little kids.
Remember when we used to have fun?
Life isn't about always having fun.
Maybe it's time for you to grow up and realize that. Now go wait in the car.
I'm sorry about that. Don't worry. I'll find your dog. But that's it, right?
Then your life is exactly back to the way it was seven months ago? We're done?
Yes. I think that should put everything back to normal.
- Good. - Unless--
You didn't have sex with anyone else while we were broken up, did you?
I used my hand on a guy a little.
Yeah, I'm not sure how to un-ring that bell.
[ Sighs ]
Randy? Randy?
What's going on?
My damn brother took off with my car keys. Probably hitched a ride to the fair.
Well, that sucks. Well, do you want a ride? I was gonna shave anyway.
Sure. Thanks.
He's not in there. Doesn't make sense. He's been begging to come here all week.
Well, people are funny. When I was really into golf,
Tess used to bug me about taking her to Colonial Williamsburg.
After she left me, did she go?
No. She went to Ozzfest and churned some guy's butter.
Oh, my God.
I'm doing the same thing you did.
I'm obsessed with my list. My list is my golf.
I gotta find my brother.
[ Earl Narrating ] I wanted to tell Randy I was sorry for the way I acted.
I figured he'd eventually show up at the Crab Shack,
but he didn't.
When he didn't come home all night, I started to get worried.
I went to look for him in the one place I didn't want to find him.
Hello there. What can I do you for?
This guy hasn't been in here, has he? Well, yeah. He's here right now.
Where? Right in front of me.
That's you, silly. [ Laughing ]
How 'bout the guy in the picture that isn't me? Have you seen him?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, he came in. What happened? Is he okay?
Don't worry. He just wanted to sell some of his blood for a bus ticket.
Are you sure it was him? Yeah. I had to yell at him...
because he was carving in that chair over there.
Yeah, I know that's me.
How 'bout the guy in the picture that isn't me? Have you seen him?
Oh, yeah. I sold him a ticket to Hagerstown. Hagerstown?
Yeah. Oh, while we're showing pictures--
Here's my daughter. That's her fiancé, Paul.
He's Canadian. But not the French kind, so we're fine with it.
[ Earl ] So he ran off to Hagerstown,
and he took my car keys, and I couldn't follow him.
I'm good. Thanks.
I just hope he forgives me when I find him.
I just can't stand the thought of him all alone somewhere,
miserable and hatin' me.
Stop the bus!
Stop the-- Could you please tell him to stop the bus?
[ Tires Skidding ]
You went to get the dog? Yeah.
The adoption place told me where to find him in Hagerstown. You were right, Earl.
I shouldn't have been complaining. I should've been helping.
Come here, Poochie.
[ Earl Narrating ] Thing is, I wasn't right. I was dead wrong.
Whoa! But Randy was too sweet to notice.
That's when I realized I needed to add something to my list.
Number 260-- neglected Randy.
And this is one I don't ever plan on crossin' off.
That way I won't ever stop tryin' to make it up to him.
Come on, Randy. I bet if we get on this bus,
we can catch the last couple hours of the fair.
That's okay, Earl. We can go to the fair next year.
Is that blue sugar in a bag? Yep.
Can I have it? All right. Go ahead.
[ Earl Narrating ] Randy was right. We would go to the fair next year,
but I still felt like I owed him somethin' for missin' it this year.
[ Horn Honking ]
The Bandit car.
Caught up with the fair outside Cumberland and convinced 'em to rent it to us for the day.
The whole day? The whole day.
Yep. And today, you get to be the Bandit.
The whole day? The whole day, brother.
[ Laughs ] Yes!
Hey, uh, you just finished playing a golf champion?
[ Speaking Gibberish ]
My damn brother locked the keys. No, he didn't lock 'em. He took 'em.
- [ Grunts ] - I wanna get down there before the lines...
for the world's smallest giant are too big. [ Crew Laughing ]
Your life is exactly what it was seven months of fee-pa-chew, na-ka-too.
Look at me and I look at you. [ Chuckles ]
He looked like a chicken "choo-keepa."
[ Speaking Gibberish ]
[ Gibberish Continues ]
[ Laughing ]
Whoo-hoo!