You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me,
somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
Some people might be surprised to see me wearing a fancy jacket...
with leather elbows and teachin' a class.
All right. Let's get started.
But how hard can it be to teach foreigners to speak American?
Hi.
My name is Earl.
Really? Well, hello, Earl. [ Chuckles ]
In my country, Earl's a boy's name.
[ Earl Narrating ] So why am I here? Number 27 on my list--
made fun of people with accents.
Ooh. Not good. That is berry, berry infected.
[ Suppressed Chuckle ]
Sir, you could lose your arm. This is berry, berry serious.
Berry, berry? You can't say "V"s.
Pardon to interrupt. We are looking for the station of the busses, ja?
Ah, ja, ja.
Erch-kie, birch-kie, fart in church-kie.
[ Both Laughing ]
You "vant" I take your plate?
No. I "vant" to suck your blood.
[ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't sure how to make up for all the teasin' I had done,
so I asked the one person I know who also talks funny.
I mean, speaks with an accent.
You made fun of the way people talk? You should be ashamed of yourself.
I am. I just-- I don't know how I'm gonna make up for it.
You wanna make up for laughing at people...
who can't speak your language, teach them your language.
I could do that. Does the manager know...
you wash off the plastic cups and put 'em back in the rooms?
It was his idea. He told me not to waste my time trying to be so clean...
now that Triple "A" took away our half a star.
[ Earl Narrating ] So here I am, teachin'.
The last time I stood in front of a room full of foreigners, I was robbing the D.M.V.
All right, guys. Let's try some basic directions.
To get to the library,
you need to take a left at the light.
Okay? You. How do you get to the library?
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] These people were not gonna find the library.
Man, that's crazy. How do you come to this country...
and expect to be able to find the "liberry," and you can't even speak English?
- Here's the food. - Thanks, Crab Man.
Hey, I've been thinking about coming up with another phrase for when I drop off the food.
I have no opinion on that. Yeah.
It's tricky.
I like "Here's the food," 'cause that's what's happening.
Guess who just got out of prison not a day early for good behavior?
Ralph, my man!
[ Earl Narrating ] Ralph Mariano. Before he went to prison,
me, Randy and Ralph used to hang out together and steal stuff.
Sometimes, we'd have so much fun, Hey, I made some nachos--
[ Siren Wails ] we'd forget to steal.
Yeah. Eighteen months. I missed you, buddy. Yeah. Me too, man.
It feels good to hug a man and know it doesn't have to go anywhere.
How was prison? Did they make you go to sleep real early?
Well, they turned the lights off around 9:00,
but you can lay there in the dark as long as you want.
Hey, let me buy you a beer.
No, no, no. Hey, man, it's on me. You know, in the joint,
the guards paid me 12 cents an hour to do their taxes for 'em.
Man, those guys are gonna be screwed!
Listen, don't tell Ralph about me turning my life around...
and my list and everything, okay?
- Why not? - 'Cause I don't know how he's gonna react.
I mean, I was the one who taught him to steal.
I'm like his "wax on, wax off," "paint the fence" guy.
Mr. Miyagi.
What you doin', Ralph? Hey, Earl. Hi, Randy.
I was just thinking about how much I wanted a gum ball.
But my mom won't give me a nickel until I clean my room.
Watch this.
We call that a street piñata.
Nice. I'll go get us some sodas.
[ Earl Narrating ] I knew I'd have to tell Ralph about the list sooner or later.
But for now, I just wanted to have fun like the old days.
Yeah.
Earl?
My name is Earl.
- Hey, there, buddy. - Hey, there, buddy.
- Shh. - Shh.
Nothin' for me, Tonto.
[ Randy Chuckling ]
Sorry about that. He's been in prison.
He doesn't know you're supposed to say "Native American."
[ Earl Narrating ] Not wantin' to tell Ralph I'd gone straight...
put me in somewhat of a pickle.
The guy just loves to steal.
It got me thinkin'. What am I supposed to do...
when someone around me loves doin' bad things?
Check it out, man. Runaway bride.
Does karma expect me to stop him?
I think I'm gonna let my sister use this dress.
You know, I bet you some guys would pay a lot of money for a lap dance from a bride.
[ Earl Narrating ] Even though I'm tryin' to be a better person,
will karma hold me responsible for the bad things that my friends do?
Since the last time karma punished me...
I was hit by a car and ate steak out of a straw for three weeks,
I didn't wanna find out.
So I spent the rest of the night going back and making up...
for all the bad things Ralph had done.
My friend ran out of here without paying for some hair gel or somethin'.
My name is Earl.
Hey, ass-wipe, I don't know what the hell was on your touched-by-an-angel list...
that's making you teach people English, but you need to stop.
Excuse me? You got a Chinese girl in your class named Kim Lee?
She's not Chinese, she's Vietnamese.
I don't care if she's Vietnamese, Chinese or Chuck E. Cheese.
She don't need to be learnin' no English. Why?
Because it's gonna cut into my premium nail decoratin' business.
[ Earl Narrating ] My ex-wife Joy...
runs a premium nail decoratin' business out of her trailer.
Now, did you want me to paint the zodiac signs on here?
I mean, there's 12, but I could paint the extra two on your big toes.
Business was good until Kim Lee opened a similar operation three trailers over.
Joy hated competition, so she had to find a way to give herself an edge.
Look, Earl, you can't teach her how to talk. I got kids to feed.
These are good people, Joy. I mean, they have a right to learn whatever they want.
No, they don't. There is nothing in the Bible...
that says that people have a right to learn stuff.
I have read it. Look, I'm sorry, Joy. It's on my list.
I made fun of people who can't talk. I gotta do it.
What list? Well, hey, Ralph!
- How was prison? - I'd say about a five. What list?
It's nothin'. This idiot hasn't told you about his stupid list yet?
Shut up. Yeah, he's a real Goody Two-shoes now.
He's gone straight, and the rest of us have to pay for it.
[ Scoffs ] Gone straight? Earl, what is she talkin' about?
- Look, I was gonna tell you. I just didn't-- - Wait, wait, wait.
Is that why my sister's wedding dress is gone?
Did you take it back? I'm sorry. I had to. I don't steal anymore, Ralph.
I don't even know what to say.
Is his sister gettin' married?
Is she? Cause if she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, I swear to God,
I will march right down there to that Club Chubby, and I will wrap her neck around that pole.
[ Earl Narrating ] I explained everything to Ralph over breakfast--
karma, the list, turning my life around.
He seemed more interested in his French fries...
until I got to the part about the lottery money.
You won $100,000? Yep, 'cause I started doin' good things.
And I'm usin' the money to cross things off my list.
I'm tellin' you, this karma stuff works. Karma, huh?
Yep. Like that tattoo on your arm.
And I thought that was two tadpoles doin' it.
That's what I used to think. Turns out, that's karma.
Hmm. All right, good buddy, I'm in.
What? Look, I'm in.
The only reason I steal is so I can have a better life.
And if you're sayin' I can have that with this here karma, then I'm in.
All right. Yeah.
Hey, this is two cougars doin' it, right?
Yeah, that's two cougars doin' it.
[ Earl Narrating ] If Ralph was gonna go straight,
the first thing he needed was a job.
Luckily, I was friendly with the manager of a local lamp store.
I mean, look at him. It's like he was born to work with lamps.
[ Earl Narrating ] With Ralph squared away, I went back to class.
Gettin' people to learn is hard work.
No wonder teachers make so much money.
One block, then right.
Two blocks, then left. You see?
And that's how you get to where Earl lives.
Who wants to tell me how to get where Earl lives?
How about Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop?
Erections lasting more than four hours,
while rare, require immediate medical attention.
[ Earl Narrating ] Having 'em watch TV as homework wasn't working out.
And then I think he cursed me in his native language.
Seacrest out.
Thank you, Mr. A-Lop-Lop. Uh--
Kim Lee. Can you tell me how to get to Earl's?
Where's Kim?
Okay. So when you're doin' somebody's nails, you say,
"I do good job."
I do good job.
Okay, now, "I give you big infection."
I give you big infection.
That is so good. Uh-huh.
[ Earl Narrating ] Class was frustratin', and I was looking forward...
to hanging out with people who knew how to speak our native tongue.
Hey, Earl, look where I moved in at.
You got your own place. Good for you. Yeah, damn straight.
You got a job, and-- Yeah.
Wow. Uh, you got a lot of lamps in here.
Yeah, I stole 'em from work. I figured that. Why?
Well, 'cause that's what I do, Earl. I steal things.
But I thought you were gonna change? I know.
I tried your way. I did. I was good all mornin'.
And then I went and bought 20 lottery tickets at lunch.
I scratched them all, and I didn't win a damn thing.
Man, this karma stuff just don't work on me.
You gotta give it time, man. I don't think so, man.
Hey, I'm a thief, not a lamp salesman.
Ralph, uh, I hate to say it, but I don't think I can hang out with you anymore.
Oh, come on, man. You serious?
I'm sorry, but I just--
I can't be around you if you're gonna be stealing things and being bad.
I'm definitely gonna be stealin' things and bein' bad.
Yeah, I can see that. Look, I'm-I'm sorry.
I don't know. I-- I guess this means good-bye.
Yeah, I guess so.
You wanna take a lamp with you?
No, that's a nice offer, Ralph, but I-I can't.
I can't do that. Come on, Randy.
Uh, I'm gonna hang out.
- What? - Ralph stole this hand dolly from work.
He's gonna push me around on it in the parking lot real fast.
Randy, we gotta go.
We got some, uh-- some things on the list to do.
Earl, you got some things on the list to do.
I don't have a list. I wanna have fun.
All right, yeah.
You guys have a good time. You know, have a good time.
[ Laughing, Shouting ]
Why aren't you playing with your friends?
'Cause that dolly's stolen property. I can't be a part of that.
Why is Randy out there? 'Cause Randy doesn't have a list, okay?
Randy's a big boy who's allowed to make his own decisions in life.
And if that decision is to choose a fast ride in a parking lot...
on a stolen hand dolly over his own brother, then that's his "pergovadid."
I meant, "provoka"-- What's the word?
I learned English a year ago.
Well, whatever it is, it's his.
"Peranajid"? Maybe.
[ Earl Narrating ] The next couple days,
Randy spent almost all his time hanging out with Ralph.
And the truth is, I really started to miss him.
But I didn't have time to mope.
I had a classroom full of new Americans eager to not understand a word I said.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Hello? Earl, it's Ralph. We got a big problem.
Randy and I were trying to break into a house, and he got stuck in the chimney.
We went in Santa style, took a shot. Damn it, Ralph!
I knew something like this was gonna happen.
This is the karma I was telling you about. Where are you?
[ Toilet Flushing ]
Who were you talking to? Ah, that was my mother.
A little bitty squirrel got into her house, and, uh,
she tried to chase it around and hit it in the head with a lamp.
Sorry 'bout that, man.
Oh, good. You're awake.
- How'd we get in my room? - Hey, where does Earl keep that hundred grand he won?
You hit me in the head with a lamp.
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that, man. I really am.
Money does bad things to people. There ain't no excuse for it.
People are just weak, don't you think?
I guess, yeah.
So where does Earl keep that money?
I'm not gonna help you steal from my brother.
See, Randy, I was hopin' you wouldn't say that.
Where's the money? I'm not tellin'.
I'm sorry, man. I really am. I'm a bad person. I can't help myself.
I know. It's not your fault.
Okay. [ Flushing ]
[ Screaming ]
But I didn't call anyone about my chimney.
Just a routine check, ma'am. Randy?
Why are you calling my chimney Randy?
Oh, I-I call all chimneys Randy.
It's how the chimney sweeps in London refer to them. You know,
[ English Accent ] "Clean your Randy for you, ma'am?"
Yeah, this chimney was made in England. Randy?
[ Sighs ] Randy?
I'm gettin' my gun.
Oh, let's not do that.
I don't want to. I really don't. You're a good friend of mine.
I don't wanna burn your testicles.
Then let's just stop now and forget this whole thing ever happened.
Well, I'd like that, as soon as you tell me where Earl keeps his money.
All right, all right! It's not in the room. It's in a safe-deposit box.
You'll never find the key, 'cause Earl keeps it on him. Please don't burn my cherries!
[ Earl Narrating ] Clearly, Randy was not stuck in a chimney, which was good...
because it meant he learned his lesson from the last two times.
But something weird was going on.
Randy? B-Bam!
Earl? Ow.
That hurt. What happened?
Ralph set us up.
He took your safe-deposit key and your driver's license,
and he's on his way down to the bank to steal your lottery money.
They're not gonna give him my money. He doesn't look anything like me.
He did before he left.
Yeah.
Hey, man, what do you think?
[ Mimicking Earl ] I believe in karma. Do good things,
and good things happen.
I'm sorry, Earl. It's my fault.
I was bad, and something bad happened to me.
Karma. It's like you're always telling me.
It just doesn't make sense, though. Why is karma punishing me?
You were the one doin' bad things with Ralph. I've been good.
Yeah, you have been good. Hey,
maybe if you call karma, it'll come and save us.
Call it. Randy, it doesn't work like that.
It's karma, not Lassie. Come on. You can just try it.
I'm not gonna call-- Come on, Earl.
We're about to lose everything, and it's all my fault.
Can't you just try it? Fine.
Karma?
See? It doesn't work. Try it louder.
Karma!
[ Knocking ] Hello.
Son of a bitch. Look, Earl.
It's karma's army, made up of people from all the lands of all the worlds.
- What are you guys doing here? - Earl no come class.
- Well, how'd you find me? - [ All ] One block, then right.
Two blocks, then left. That's how you get to where Earl lives.
Well, look at that. I did teach ya something.
Thanks, karma!
[ Earl Narrating ] When I got untied, I called the bank to stop Ralph.
And they called the police.
[ Earl Narrating ] They might have caught him if they had another cop,
but Officer Lee was busy with a family emergency.
[ Shouting In Foreign Language ]
"Big infection."
Look, I don't even know if what she's talkin' is a real language,
but if it is, it's a lie.
[ Earl Narrating ] Thanks to karma, my money was safe...
and things were back to normal.
And thanks to my students, I was able to cross...
"make fun of people with accents" off my list.
- Time to get your grub on. - It looks delicious.
Thank you very much, Crab Man.
No problem, Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop.
[ Earl Narrating ] And as for Ralph, well,
I could have told the police where to find him,
but as crazy as it sounds, he's still my friend.
Besides, nobody should get their third strike for assault with a lamp.
Hey, Earl, here's your, uh, safe-deposit key back.
I wanna apologize for everything. I got a little crazy there.
But, uh, you know how these things go.
- No problem. - Hey, Randy, you wanna play a little pool?
No, I'm good.
Me and Earl got some stuff we gotta take care of on his list.
Okay.
Thanks, man. No problem, Earl.
Seacrest out.