1 00:00:01,167 --> 00:00:03,800 Tell them we may comment on this police arrest backlog. 2 00:00:03,833 --> 00:00:06,567 Yeah, but we do need to coordinate that with the Home Office. 3 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,300 Yeah, we're on duel commentary. Yeah, like the tennis. 4 00:00:09,333 --> 00:00:10,733 Yeah, sadly without Boris Becker. 5 00:00:10,767 --> 00:00:13,267 I'm very surprised that Sue Barker doesn't just sink her teeth 6 00:00:13,300 --> 00:00:14,933 into his thighs, aren't you? 7 00:00:14,967 --> 00:00:18,133 Okay, team, we need to get it out there that the police arrest backlog 8 00:00:18,167 --> 00:00:20,000 is not a DoSAC FUBAR. Okay? 9 00:00:20,033 --> 00:00:24,233 The Home Office cut paperwork, therefore there are more bobbies on the beat, 10 00:00:24,267 --> 00:00:25,500 no one to process them at the stations. 11 00:00:25,533 --> 00:00:27,567 I doubt there are any major criminals on the loose. 12 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:30,600 It's about paperwork, it's not Con Air . I mean, I wish it was. 13 00:00:30,633 --> 00:00:33,367 -Give that to Peter. -Oh, good morning, Minister. 14 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,200 -How did it go with the DPM? -(SIGHS) 15 00:00:35,233 --> 00:00:37,833 Oh, so that good. I've got to go. 16 00:00:37,867 --> 00:00:39,567 Anyone read Wolf Hall? 17 00:00:41,233 --> 00:00:43,567 I'm just shuttling messages between them. 18 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,700 I'm like a blue-bottomed fly, frankly. 19 00:00:45,733 --> 00:00:47,100 Ah! From Fergus. 20 00:00:47,133 --> 00:00:49,067 It's the one set on a plane. 21 00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:51,500 No, that's Snakes on a Plane. 22 00:00:51,533 --> 00:00:53,500 This one is Nicholas Cage on a plane. 23 00:00:53,533 --> 00:00:54,533 (PHONE RINGING) 24 00:00:55,367 --> 00:00:56,900 PHIL: (SIGHS) Heaven's sake! 25 00:00:56,933 --> 00:00:58,600 (PHONE RINGING) 26 00:00:58,633 --> 00:01:01,500 Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern 27 00:01:01,533 --> 00:01:04,300 because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office 28 00:01:04,333 --> 00:01:05,833 can't process their arrests quick enough. 29 00:01:05,867 --> 00:01:08,367 So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day 30 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,200 to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 31 00:01:10,233 --> 00:01:11,967 Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, 32 00:01:12,067 --> 00:01:14,733 and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 33 00:01:14,767 --> 00:01:16,267 Whose fault's that, Phil? 34 00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:18,567 I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? 35 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,400 I started writing you a letter but it, it, it just seemed pretentious. 36 00:01:21,433 --> 00:01:23,633 Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated 37 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,667 since my trunks fell down at the school swimming gala. 38 00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:30,067 It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys. 39 00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:33,600 Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. Okay, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you, too. 40 00:01:33,633 --> 00:01:34,767 (LAUGHS) Okay, bye. 41 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:38,500 Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. 42 00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:41,733 I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog. 43 00:01:41,767 --> 00:01:45,200 Peter, quick reminder. ThinkSocially, the social enterprise scheme. 44 00:01:45,233 --> 00:01:46,867 -We're launching it tomorrow. -Sod that. 45 00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:49,433 I need to keep a low profile. Give it to Fergus and Adam. 46 00:01:49,467 --> 00:01:51,367 Sorry, Han, can I just put you on pause there? 47 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,400 -I'm just in the Minister's office. -Oh, great! 48 00:01:53,433 --> 00:01:57,100 Oh, no, the proper one! (LAUGHS) Just pausing you there. 49 00:01:57,133 --> 00:01:58,800 Mary Drake from the Home Office. 50 00:01:58,833 --> 00:02:01,100 She's going to come over, fancies a chat. 51 00:02:01,133 --> 00:02:04,767 But I told old iron blouse that I'd talk to her presently. 52 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,467 What part of that sentence doesn't she understand? 53 00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:08,867 TERRI: Just thought you'd like to know. 54 00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:11,667 I don't want to be accused of being a barricade or anything. 55 00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:12,633 ALL: Blockage. 56 00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:15,200 Look, things were said at that inquiry, Terri. 57 00:02:15,233 --> 00:02:17,067 They certainly were. 58 00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:19,333 Yeah, well, can you just be a fucking professional and get Fergus in here? 59 00:02:19,367 --> 00:02:21,633 I am an F-wording professional. 60 00:02:21,667 --> 00:02:23,233 Wait, wait, Terri. Can you 61 00:02:23,267 --> 00:02:27,933 give this to Fergus and tell him he's going to front ThinkSocially tomorrow? 62 00:02:27,967 --> 00:02:31,200 Ah. Yeah, okay. Er, erm, Peter, may I just... 63 00:02:31,233 --> 00:02:32,500 No, you may not. 64 00:02:32,533 --> 00:02:34,200 I thought we weren't talking to The Proclaimers? 65 00:02:34,233 --> 00:02:36,933 We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want 66 00:02:36,967 --> 00:02:40,467 to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glace cherries. 67 00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:44,200 -Sorry. Can, can I... -Christ, you just can't flush her. 68 00:02:44,233 --> 00:02:45,567 (SOFTLY) Can I borrow her? 69 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,700 Yeah, but there's a fine if you don't bring her back. 70 00:02:47,733 --> 00:02:49,733 Actually, it should be a fine if you do bring her back. 71 00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,667 Ever since this inquiry, 72 00:02:51,700 --> 00:02:54,433 Mannion and Fergus, their communication has totally broken down. 73 00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:56,567 Yes, which is why we have the, the double-stamp system. 74 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:58,433 -Yeah but... -No decisions without dual approval. 75 00:02:58,467 --> 00:03:01,167 -What... -Occasionally, just because of 76 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,200 a time-sensitive decision, I have got a stamp from Peter 77 00:03:04,233 --> 00:03:07,533 but unfortunately been unable to locate Fergus. 78 00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:09,133 Okay, Terri, let's just fast-forward to the bit 79 00:03:09,167 --> 00:03:10,933 where I don't want to eat my own lips off. 80 00:03:10,967 --> 00:03:16,133 In order to prevent a Fergal paper jam, I have stamped certain decisions 81 00:03:16,167 --> 00:03:18,367 based on what I imagined he might think. 82 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,067 So, so you have approved a policy that Fergus is going to launch, 83 00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:23,433 that Fergus knows nothing about. 84 00:03:23,467 --> 00:03:26,267 -Sort of. -Sort of, or sort of exactly? 85 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,067 Sort of exactly. 86 00:03:30,067 --> 00:03:33,167 You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. 87 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:36,067 What the fuck are you trying to do, prove the Mayans right? 88 00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,967 Ha! Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me 89 00:03:38,067 --> 00:03:41,633 for two departments to fuck up on the same day? Yes, I can. (LAUGHS) 90 00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:44,700 So this government arrest backlog is a really lovely gift token. 91 00:03:44,733 --> 00:03:45,700 Mmm. 92 00:03:45,733 --> 00:03:47,400 The question is what does Daddy buy with it? 93 00:03:47,433 --> 00:03:50,600 Uh, you, the daddy man, er, you could... 94 00:03:50,633 --> 00:03:55,100 How about you point up the split between the HO and DoSAC? 95 00:03:55,133 --> 00:03:57,700 Take the sort of "a Government divided?" route. 96 00:03:57,733 --> 00:03:58,933 Nice, hmm. 97 00:03:58,967 --> 00:04:02,533 Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone Mad Max 98 00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:05,567 and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery 99 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:07,500 at a gypsy wedding. 100 00:04:07,533 --> 00:04:08,600 (MOBILE RINGING) 101 00:04:08,633 --> 00:04:11,467 Oh, I do apologise, excuse me. I need to take this. 102 00:04:14,067 --> 00:04:16,267 -We need to drop Malcolm. -Right. 103 00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:18,267 I can't get on my high horse about crime issues 104 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,067 the day after my Director of Communications may have, 105 00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:23,467 i.e. definitely has, committed perjury. 106 00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:27,467 -Mmm. -And I like getting on my high horse. 107 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:31,067 I look good on it. Like a knight. 108 00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:33,100 So, they're actually going to pursue this? 109 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,567 Right. Thanks for the heads-up, mate, yeah. 110 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,900 Listen, I need a police station with a lot of exits and entrances, 111 00:04:43,933 --> 00:04:45,700 in case the press show up. 112 00:04:45,733 --> 00:04:47,067 (WHISPERING) Sam. Sam, Sam. 113 00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:50,300 Brentford, right, okay. Listen, Sam. 114 00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,967 Get ahold of Greg Fraser for me. 115 00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:54,067 I need some hard lawyering, yeah? 116 00:04:54,067 --> 00:04:56,767 -Pink. Pink flowers. For my mother. -Pink. 117 00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:00,833 It's her 80th birthday. Lovely big bouquet of pink ones. 118 00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:02,167 Lovely. How, how are you doing? 119 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,133 I'm bitching. Yes, I'm as busy as a two-twatted hooker. 120 00:05:05,167 --> 00:05:07,467 Great. I, I was thinking, Malcolm, 121 00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:08,900 maybe you should take a bit of time off, 122 00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:11,067 just, you know, maybe tour the Highland distilleries 123 00:05:11,067 --> 00:05:13,900 or whatever it is your people do. You know, take up stunt kiting. 124 00:05:13,933 --> 00:05:15,900 Well, we don't take advice from a guy who looks like 125 00:05:15,933 --> 00:05:18,400 he gels his hair by sticking it up a cow's vagina. 126 00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:21,067 -All right, fair enough. -Here's an idea 127 00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:22,500 that you could pitch to Millertron 3000. 128 00:05:22,533 --> 00:05:23,400 Yes? 129 00:05:23,433 --> 00:05:25,533 Get him to go to a police station, yeah? 130 00:05:25,567 --> 00:05:27,067 -But pick a big one, right? -Right. 131 00:05:27,067 --> 00:05:28,767 Lewisham. It's more impact with a big one 132 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,933 but make sure we get as many press there as possible. 133 00:05:30,967 --> 00:05:32,967 Yeah, okay. 134 00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:35,300 Dan Miller is visiting a police station. 135 00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:38,967 What? Why? Why aren't I visiting a police station? 136 00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:41,400 -Why didn't you think of that? -Yes, why didn't you think of that? 137 00:05:41,433 --> 00:05:44,500 I did. I nearly did, okay? I, I was about to think of that. 138 00:05:44,533 --> 00:05:46,300 Christ, it's like Harry Potter all over again. 139 00:05:46,333 --> 00:05:48,233 You know, I thought of that. I just didn't write it down. 140 00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:50,133 It was Gandalf at school, but it's the same principle. 141 00:05:50,167 --> 00:05:52,700 Look, Fergus has got an idea about the police backlog, just tell him. 142 00:05:52,733 --> 00:05:55,500 Yeah, I'm going to. It is basically an issue of manpower, so we outsource, 143 00:05:55,533 --> 00:05:58,067 we get the private sector in to clear it up. It's problem solved. 144 00:05:58,067 --> 00:05:59,367 It's obvious, really. 145 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,367 Yeah, yeah. Yes, it... Yes, it is obvious. 146 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,367 That's two obvious things you've missed today. 147 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,233 -Idiot! -Yeah, well, what do you think? 148 00:06:05,267 --> 00:06:07,933 No, I think it's good. I mean, the private sector dives in and saves us. 149 00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:09,233 -It plays well for us. -FERGUS: Oh, thank you. 150 00:06:09,267 --> 00:06:11,633 Yeah. Till we, till we get the bill. 151 00:06:11,667 --> 00:06:14,433 Because we've got no money. Anyway, I'm just popping out to Tesco Metro. 152 00:06:14,467 --> 00:06:17,067 -Anyone want a yoghurt? -No, Glenn. No. 153 00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:21,067 Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses with the Home Office? It ends now. 154 00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:24,067 We want a united realm. There's no vision in division. 155 00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:27,667 Well, yes, there is. Anyway, tell Perkin Warbeck over there. 156 00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:31,333 Okay, people, could we briefly form a coherent group? 157 00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:33,467 Mary Drake is in the building. She's on her way up. 158 00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:38,333 Okay, shields up, guys. Centurions, we're forming a tortoise. 159 00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:42,067 Okay, Terri. ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? 160 00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:45,933 Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 161 00:06:45,967 --> 00:06:47,133 -Okay, er... -So what is it? 162 00:06:47,167 --> 00:06:48,367 -Simple explanation. -Love to hear it. 163 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,533 TERRI: Yeah. Very... PETER: Oh, God, here's Mary. 164 00:06:50,567 --> 00:06:52,267 Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 165 00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:55,333 Look, synchronise lies, all right? Mary, hi. 166 00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:57,533 Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. 167 00:06:57,567 --> 00:06:59,267 I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 168 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:01,900 Yes, you actually did, didn't you? 169 00:07:01,933 --> 00:07:04,600 Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. 170 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,567 -(TERRI LAUGHS) -I've heard a great deal about you. 171 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,833 Oh, oh, please, don't, er, don't believe everything that you hear. 172 00:07:08,867 --> 00:07:11,067 I fully intend not to. 173 00:07:11,067 --> 00:07:13,067 Stewart. Chakras balanced? 174 00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:14,933 Er, sorry. Tiny bit of housekeeping. 175 00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:17,267 Terri, erm, ThinkSocially? 176 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:18,667 -Just checking in on that. -Yes. 177 00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:21,300 Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 178 00:07:21,333 --> 00:07:24,100 Mary. Great to see you again. 179 00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:25,567 I'm here in an angry capacity. 180 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,867 Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 181 00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:30,900 The message from the Home Office is this: 182 00:07:30,933 --> 00:07:34,333 Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. 183 00:07:34,367 --> 00:07:37,167 Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 184 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,867 -Sorry to be, er, contrary, Mary... -(LAUGHING) 185 00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:44,433 ...but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 186 00:07:44,467 --> 00:07:45,400 MARY: Shut up. 187 00:07:45,433 --> 00:07:46,900 Let me tell you something now. 188 00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:51,167 DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down 189 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,200 and subsumed by the Home Office 190 00:07:53,233 --> 00:07:56,300 and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! 191 00:07:56,333 --> 00:08:00,067 And I like mine weak and white. Like my men. 192 00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:05,233 Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt? 193 00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:08,100 I will go and try and de-frag this situation, 194 00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:10,400 but I am staying strictly macro. 195 00:08:10,433 --> 00:08:12,500 Subtitles. You need subtitles! 196 00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:16,533 Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining rationally 197 00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:19,167 why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit 198 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,567 that I've never even heard of? 199 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,933 It's not my fault. It's the double-stamping nonsense. 200 00:08:22,967 --> 00:08:24,067 -That's the reason. -Oh, really? 201 00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:25,267 -Yeah. -Because right now, 202 00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,400 I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat. 203 00:08:27,433 --> 00:08:30,067 I'm going to take that seriously as a physical threat. 204 00:08:30,067 --> 00:08:32,333 You know, one of the many, many things that baffles me about you 205 00:08:32,367 --> 00:08:34,633 is you remain unmurdered! 206 00:08:34,667 --> 00:08:38,433 -What time are we due at the Mirror? -Oh, not for another hour. 207 00:08:38,467 --> 00:08:39,667 Oh, okay. 208 00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:42,533 Got plenty of time to get into your Boudica mode. 209 00:08:42,567 --> 00:08:45,267 -I am woman, hear me roar! -(CHUCKLES) 210 00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,467 Get your jugs out. Get on your chariot. (LAUGHS) 211 00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:50,567 Oh, crikey. 212 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,167 I think given that I'm hoping to get back into cabinet at some point, 213 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,167 I might keep my jugs in the cupboard. (LAUGHS) 214 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,067 Right. 215 00:08:58,067 --> 00:09:01,700 Or I suppose I could always pop one of them out if the interview's flagging. 216 00:09:02,633 --> 00:09:04,067 It's an option. (CHUCKLES) 217 00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:08,667 Erm, I did apologise, didn't I, for telling you to fuck off? 218 00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:11,067 -Yes. -Good. 219 00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:13,467 Because I, you know, I didn't mean it. 220 00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,733 I wouldn't be here if I thought you meant it. 221 00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:18,567 I've got plenty of places to fuck off to. 222 00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:30,533 That's a big funeral home, isn't it? 223 00:09:32,633 --> 00:09:34,667 -M Tucker. -Olly. 224 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:37,333 -Malcolm. -We need to have a little chat. 225 00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:39,067 You're not splitting up with me, are you? 226 00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:42,967 Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know. You're not laughing. 227 00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:44,933 Well, I'm laughing on the inside. 228 00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:47,133 Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes 229 00:09:47,167 --> 00:09:48,967 to get arrested. 230 00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:50,567 Hang on. Sorry? 231 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,067 Er, you're going to be arrested at the exact same time 232 00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,733 that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 233 00:09:54,767 --> 00:09:57,467 Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, 234 00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:58,733 because they'll all be with him. 235 00:09:58,767 --> 00:10:02,000 So the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed 236 00:10:02,033 --> 00:10:05,567 at a police station at the exact moment that his head of communications 237 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,900 is being arrested. Yes! Okay, great, great. 238 00:10:07,933 --> 00:10:10,767 So that's a sackful of face-chewing rats, thank you very much. 239 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,467 Look, it's... This is what you have to deal with, right? 240 00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:15,567 It's just another day at the fuck office. 241 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:19,633 So, now, I have to step into your shoes but after you've shat in them? 242 00:10:19,667 --> 00:10:24,200 Olly, look at me. I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. 243 00:10:24,233 --> 00:10:25,900 The rabbits are falling to pieces. 244 00:10:25,933 --> 00:10:28,600 Their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. 245 00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:30,700 So, somebody else is going to have to help out. 246 00:10:30,733 --> 00:10:34,667 Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that? 247 00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,867 Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom 248 00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:40,967 of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. 249 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:46,567 Every fibre of your being, every stamen says that. 250 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,833 -But you are not me, Olly. -No. 251 00:10:48,867 --> 00:10:54,067 And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F Tucker, sir. 252 00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,733 And you are not Malcolm Fucking Tucker. 253 00:10:56,767 --> 00:11:00,300 You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. 254 00:11:01,367 --> 00:11:04,067 And trying to be me? You? 255 00:11:04,067 --> 00:11:05,533 Trying to be me will fucking kill you. 256 00:11:05,567 --> 00:11:08,300 I give you 18 months before you're a washed-out, 257 00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:13,867 weeping alcoholic with no fucking bladder control. 258 00:11:13,900 --> 00:11:16,367 Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa. 259 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,800 And so on and so on. It doesn't have to be like that now, Malcolm. 260 00:11:18,833 --> 00:11:21,300 -Politics has actually changed. -Oh? 261 00:11:21,333 --> 00:11:23,600 Right? Yeah, yeah. And you probably haven't noticed 262 00:11:23,633 --> 00:11:26,600 because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years. 263 00:11:26,633 --> 00:11:28,233 Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah! 264 00:11:28,267 --> 00:11:31,067 And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, 265 00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:33,667 and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all a bit algorithms now. 266 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:36,700 You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair. 267 00:11:36,733 --> 00:11:39,700 Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me? 268 00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:42,467 Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you. 269 00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:44,767 You know Jackie fucking Chan about me. 270 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:50,167 You know fuck all about me! 271 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:55,867 I am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted 272 00:11:55,900 --> 00:12:00,167 compre-fucking-hension. I don't just take this fucking job home, you know. 273 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,467 I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed 274 00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,200 and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. 275 00:12:05,233 --> 00:12:08,600 Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cupful of piss slung in my face, 276 00:12:08,633 --> 00:12:10,933 slaps me about the chops to make sure I'm awake enough 277 00:12:10,967 --> 00:12:13,933 so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks. This job has taken me 278 00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,067 in every hole in my fucking body. 279 00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:20,500 Malcolm is gone! You can't know Malcolm, because Malcolm is not here! 280 00:12:20,533 --> 00:12:23,633 Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! 281 00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:24,967 This is a fucking husk. 282 00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:27,933 I am a fucking host for this fucking job. 283 00:12:27,967 --> 00:12:30,300 Do you want this job? 284 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,500 -Yes. -Yes, you do fucking want this job. 285 00:12:32,533 --> 00:12:35,300 Then you're going to have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life 286 00:12:35,333 --> 00:12:38,067 and let it grow inside you like a parasite. 287 00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,800 Getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking 288 00:12:40,833 --> 00:12:43,733 eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes 289 00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:45,733 and tells you what to do. 290 00:12:45,767 --> 00:12:48,367 Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube 291 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,633 after you've blown your brains out. 292 00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:57,400 I'm as dead as fucking two-tone. But I can fashion my own exit. 293 00:12:57,433 --> 00:13:00,500 Oh, Christ! What, are you going to fly to Switzerland 294 00:13:00,533 --> 00:13:03,467 and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you? 295 00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:07,367 Funny, funny man. Political exit. 296 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:08,900 No, I know. 297 00:13:08,933 --> 00:13:13,800 I'm going to leave the stage with my head held fucking high. Right? 298 00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:19,067 What you're going to see is a master class in fucking dignity, son. 299 00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:22,700 The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes," they'll say. 300 00:13:22,733 --> 00:13:25,133 "No friends, no real friends. 301 00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:28,300 "No children, no glory, no memoirs." 302 00:13:31,933 --> 00:13:33,867 Well, fuck them. 303 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,500 -NICOLA: Hello. Hi. -Hello. 304 00:13:35,533 --> 00:13:38,200 Hi. Nicola Murray, Leader of... Oh, I have to stop saying that. 305 00:13:38,233 --> 00:13:40,067 -Hello. Helen, hi. -Declan. 306 00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:42,667 NICOLA: Declan, hi. DECLAN: Nice to see you again. 307 00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:46,533 -Yes, again, er... -Do you not remember me? 308 00:13:46,567 --> 00:13:49,833 I am so sorry, you look very familiar. But it's just I meet so... 309 00:13:49,867 --> 00:13:52,433 -Well, I met so many people. -"You're for the chop!" 310 00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:55,667 -(CHUCKLES) -Oh, right. You're... 311 00:13:55,700 --> 00:13:57,567 -(LAUGHS) Okay. Mr Chop. -Mmm-hmm. 312 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,633 Yeah. I'll look forward to giving you a bit of a grilling. 313 00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:03,933 Well, this might be your chance. I'm the one doing the interview. 314 00:14:03,967 --> 00:14:06,333 -Are you? Great. -Just... 315 00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:08,067 HELEN: Here we are. Oh! DECLAN: Here's an old friend. 316 00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:09,400 NICOLA: Oh, yeah. HELEN: Wow. Yeah. 317 00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:11,267 Still... Still doing that joke! (LAUGHS) 318 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,833 HELEN: Big, though, isn't it? 319 00:14:12,867 --> 00:14:15,933 Um, if you'll just excuse us for one minute, Mr Ch... 320 00:14:15,967 --> 00:14:17,533 Erm... 321 00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:19,933 -Declan. Sorry. -Declan. Yes, yes, yes, of course. 322 00:14:19,967 --> 00:14:22,500 -I just need a quick strategy chat. -Sure. 323 00:14:22,533 --> 00:14:25,600 I am, er, ever so close 324 00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:28,500 to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out 325 00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:31,733 disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? 326 00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:34,267 What was the alternative? Going on Strictly Come Dancing 327 00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:38,067 and doing a fucking hooky waltz with Abu Hamza? 328 00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:41,633 This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen. 329 00:14:41,667 --> 00:14:44,400 I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. 330 00:14:44,433 --> 00:14:46,133 So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants 331 00:14:46,167 --> 00:14:49,400 to roll around in apple sauce with you, get in there and do as you're told. 332 00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:54,600 Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in, 333 00:14:54,633 --> 00:14:56,167 but I just need you to know, for the record... 334 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,533 Just get in there before I push you in. 335 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:05,700 If they video this as well, I'm going to swallow my own fucking thumbs. 336 00:15:05,733 --> 00:15:07,300 -Okay. -Sorry about that, yes. 337 00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:09,367 Not at all. Now, we're going to be videoing this as well, if that's okay. 338 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,867 So, I thought interview first, then I'll get myself 339 00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:14,600 into my chop costume and we'll do a little double act. 340 00:15:14,633 --> 00:15:17,067 What news from the front, my hardy legionnaires? 341 00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:19,967 Er, Forest Hill running smooth, Croydon lag time, get it? 342 00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:22,100 Down to 15 minutes, slamming the hoods. 343 00:15:22,133 --> 00:15:24,600 -Boom! Fuck the Home Office. -Yeah. 344 00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:26,533 -Double-stamped. -Fuck the police! 345 00:15:26,567 --> 00:15:27,833 Yeah, that doesn't work. 346 00:15:27,867 --> 00:15:29,633 Christ, I haven't felt this alive for months. 347 00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:31,367 I've felt like I've had a health scare. 348 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,067 Okay, Dan Miller's station visit's on. 349 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,667 He's going to be meeting and greasing. Ugh. 350 00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:37,967 Er, Emma, which police station is it? 351 00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:41,133 Lewisham. Actually, Phil, how long is the waiting time there? 352 00:15:41,167 --> 00:15:43,600 Well, that's a big nick. Tough nut to crack. 353 00:15:43,633 --> 00:15:45,800 Phil, can you stop pretending you're in The Sweeney and just, 354 00:15:45,833 --> 00:15:47,167 just give me a fucking fact? 355 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,833 -How long? -It's coming down. 356 00:15:48,867 --> 00:15:50,067 Hour, hour and a half, tops. 357 00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:51,300 -Okay. -So listen, you know, 358 00:15:51,333 --> 00:15:53,500 I, I was thinking of learning a new language. 359 00:15:53,533 --> 00:15:55,467 -(MOBILE RINGING) -Oh, sorry, got to take that. 360 00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:57,167 Oh! It's my sister. 361 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:58,967 EMMA: Peter, we need to get as many staff 362 00:15:59,067 --> 00:16:00,867 as possible down to Lewisham, okay? 363 00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:04,233 When Miller gets there, we need them to be processing like, like human Pentiums. 364 00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:06,733 Yeah, I agree. I don't care who's queuing for arrest 365 00:16:06,767 --> 00:16:09,433 or if they go on to kill again, Lewisham's the priority. 366 00:16:09,467 --> 00:16:12,200 Brilliant! We make it seem like Dan Miller's the problem. 367 00:16:12,233 --> 00:16:14,333 He's wasting police time. He's the backlog. 368 00:16:14,367 --> 00:16:15,733 -Oh, Peter. When you have a moment... -Yeah. 369 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:18,967 ...erm, can I get a quote on Malcolm's arrest? 370 00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:20,633 -Malcolm? -Tucker. 371 00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:22,433 Malcolm Tucker's being arrested? 372 00:16:22,467 --> 00:16:25,300 Well, I was thinking of coming down there in October anyway. 373 00:16:25,333 --> 00:16:26,600 What the fuck? This is... 374 00:16:26,633 --> 00:16:28,600 I've been getting calls for 15 minutes. 375 00:16:28,633 --> 00:16:31,133 These aren't the same sources that told you David Beckham was running for mayor? 376 00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:34,233 Malcolm's solicitor phoned the police, who phones the journalists 377 00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:35,367 -and they tell me. -Okay, right. 378 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,633 And after all that people phoning you, 379 00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:40,467 then you just... Then you just have a little tuna salad, do you? 380 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,833 Watch Loose Women? You lay an egg over there and then... 381 00:16:42,867 --> 00:16:46,100 Terri, Terri. Can you spot who, who the blockage is in this office? 382 00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:47,433 I have been getting on with doing 383 00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:48,967 exactly what you told me to, which was... 384 00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,600 -What? -...dealing with this arrest backlog. 385 00:16:50,633 --> 00:16:52,600 Can't you react to events? Fuck! 386 00:16:52,633 --> 00:16:55,800 Yes, just doing one thing at a time, are you? Because you're a uni-tasker? 387 00:16:55,833 --> 00:16:58,867 All the press are going to focus on, right, is, is Malcolm's arrest, 388 00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,167 not on everyone else who's being arrested. We've been trumped again! 389 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:06,133 No, this is good. We swoop in, sort the system, and we get Tucker in clink, 390 00:17:06,167 --> 00:17:08,233 -it's a double-stamp. -Which police station's he going to? 391 00:17:08,267 --> 00:17:09,933 TERRI: Brentford, apparently. EMMA: Brentford. 392 00:17:09,967 --> 00:17:13,567 Shit, it's off-grid! It'd be here. The vector would be here. 393 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,933 -TERRI: Right. -Okay, listen up everybody. 394 00:17:15,967 --> 00:17:17,200 Forget Lewisham. 395 00:17:17,233 --> 00:17:19,867 I want every warm body we've got down to Brentford. 396 00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:23,100 Let's put the fucker in a cell with a genuine psychopath, seriously. 397 00:17:23,133 --> 00:17:25,600 Can I just make sure that this is a double-stamp? 398 00:17:25,633 --> 00:17:27,800 This is a double-stamp. 399 00:17:27,833 --> 00:17:31,067 Yeah, well, don't worry, because I can come down and I'll have that wall 400 00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:32,800 whitewashed in about half an hour. 401 00:17:34,633 --> 00:17:36,967 So, you're telling me I literally cannot get arrested? 402 00:17:37,067 --> 00:17:39,733 Look, I haven't got the staff to deal with the workload right now. 403 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,433 My client is doing everything in his power to help you with your inquiries. 404 00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:45,467 They are processing arrests at Lewisham, I suggest you head down there. 405 00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:47,500 -We can't go to Lewisham. -Why not? 406 00:17:47,533 --> 00:17:49,933 Dan Miller's there, fondling truncheons. 407 00:17:49,967 --> 00:17:51,500 Oh! 408 00:17:51,533 --> 00:17:53,067 -This, as you can see, is our... -Dan Miller, hello. 409 00:17:53,067 --> 00:17:54,567 ...control room, our... 410 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,867 -Hello. Dan Miller. -Our nerve centre, shall we say, 411 00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:58,867 where we've been managing the situation. 412 00:17:58,900 --> 00:18:00,833 Hi. Dan Miller. 413 00:18:00,867 --> 00:18:03,133 So, you must be incredibly concerned with the log jam that we've been seeing. 414 00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:06,567 Oh, absolutely, yesterday was a very, er, challenging day. 415 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,333 I can imagine. 416 00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:10,967 Yeah, but since we've had the additional help from the private contractors, 417 00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:12,200 we're really getting on top of it. 418 00:18:12,233 --> 00:18:15,867 Great. Well, yeah. Can I just... 419 00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:20,233 -Oh, of course. -Olly, what the fuck are we doing here? 420 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:22,967 Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral. 421 00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:25,733 Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around. 422 00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:27,100 They've Apollo 13'd it. 423 00:18:28,967 --> 00:18:30,633 Fucking press. 424 00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,733 MALCOLM: Excuse me, is there another way out of here? 425 00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:37,200 PRISONER: You could hang yourself. MALCOLM: Fuck off! 426 00:18:37,233 --> 00:18:40,800 Just down there, turn right, on the left. 427 00:18:40,833 --> 00:18:43,167 Have you heard this rumour that Malcolm Tucker's going to get arrested? 428 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,733 Two minutes, I will have something for you on that. 429 00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:47,100 Tell me that was a rhetorical question. 430 00:18:47,133 --> 00:18:49,100 Erm, Malcolm was supposed to get arrested, erm, quietly 431 00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:52,800 on the other side of town but obviously it's actually got out. 432 00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:54,100 How? 433 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,667 Do I have to say this? Do I have to say it out loud? 434 00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:58,600 -Because the police... -Oh, why don't you say it out loud? Yes. 435 00:18:58,633 --> 00:19:01,633 Yes. Maybe they can do me a favour and throw you down the fucking stairs. 436 00:19:07,067 --> 00:19:09,500 This is basically the same fucking exit. 437 00:19:16,533 --> 00:19:19,700 This is rubbish! This is... This is literally rubbish. 438 00:19:21,133 --> 00:19:23,433 JOURNALIST 1: Malcolm! Malcolm! Excuse me! Excuse me! 439 00:19:23,467 --> 00:19:24,633 JOURNALIST 2: Malcolm! 440 00:19:24,667 --> 00:19:29,067 Hey! Get the fuck back here! Jesus Christ. 441 00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:30,733 Go. Go, go, go! 442 00:19:30,767 --> 00:19:32,800 MALCOLM: You fucking drive off like that again, I'll stick your meter 443 00:19:32,833 --> 00:19:35,867 so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next shit. 444 00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:37,767 Why the fuck have you brought me to a police station 445 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,067 when one of our most senior figures is about to be arrested? 446 00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:42,700 Erm, don't clasp your hands behind your back, 447 00:19:42,733 --> 00:19:44,467 it makes you look like you've been cuffed. 448 00:19:45,733 --> 00:19:47,700 (MOBILE RINGING) 449 00:19:47,733 --> 00:19:49,333 Oh, it's him. Marvellous! 450 00:19:49,367 --> 00:19:51,733 Put him on speakerphone, he might want to do an interview down the line. 451 00:19:51,767 --> 00:19:53,300 Oliver Reeder. 452 00:19:53,333 --> 00:19:55,300 MALCOLM: Olly, some press turned up at Brentford. 453 00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:57,800 I've just been chased into a cab. It's like Hard Day's fucking Night. 454 00:19:57,833 --> 00:20:01,100 -Where can I go? -Er, I'm hearing Hackney's good. 455 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,933 82% operational. 456 00:20:02,967 --> 00:20:07,667 Olly, will you please keep the rest of the press there with Dan in Lewisham? 457 00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:09,967 Please. I need my dignity. 458 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,300 -Come on, give me my fucking dignity. -Er, thanks for calling. 459 00:20:13,333 --> 00:20:15,667 Okay, we need to get out of here as quickly as we possibly can. 460 00:20:15,700 --> 00:20:17,433 -Thank you very much. -Thank you very much. 461 00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,800 -That was really wonderful, carry on. -I'll see you out. 462 00:20:19,833 --> 00:20:22,000 Super, super station. Love what you've done with it. 463 00:20:22,033 --> 00:20:24,500 Malcolm's gone. What's happening? Did he escape? 464 00:20:24,533 --> 00:20:26,400 No, the press were there, it was taking too long. 465 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,767 For Christ's sake, this is like Tora-fucking-Bora all over again. 466 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,233 Where did he go? We've got to get everyone to that location now. 467 00:20:31,267 --> 00:20:32,300 Look, I'll find out, I'll find out. 468 00:20:32,333 --> 00:20:33,667 Let's get a chopper in the air. 469 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:36,067 -Be like the OJ chase! -He is getting bloody arrested today? 470 00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:38,000 Absolutely he is. This is legacy stuff, 471 00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:40,200 the men who threw Malcolm Tucker in the slammer! 472 00:20:40,233 --> 00:20:42,800 Can I just say that my idea for pop-up prisons doesn't seem so stupid now. 473 00:20:42,833 --> 00:20:44,733 All right? Being this close is not going to... 474 00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:45,800 (MOBILE BEEPING) 475 00:20:45,833 --> 00:20:47,933 -Hackney, Hackney. -There. That's Hackney. 476 00:20:47,967 --> 00:20:49,800 -Hackney. -Okay, it's my manor. 477 00:20:49,833 --> 00:20:51,667 Adam, make it happen. Boots on the ground, yeah? 478 00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:53,500 All right. This is fucking awesome. 479 00:20:53,533 --> 00:20:55,367 It's like Cobra. I hope I get Defence next. Imagine that. 480 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,500 -Want the headset now, don't you? -Fuck off. 481 00:20:57,533 --> 00:21:00,267 I'm just going to make myself an Earl Grey, Glenn, can I get you something? 482 00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,067 No, I'm tea'd out. Thank you, Terri. 483 00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:03,333 -Oh. Want a hand? -While you're there 484 00:21:03,367 --> 00:21:05,400 -you could open that cupboard door. -Okay. 485 00:21:05,433 --> 00:21:08,067 -Are you moving offices or something? -Yeah, you could say that. 486 00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:09,700 I'm going to a prison cell. 487 00:21:09,733 --> 00:21:11,367 -Oh, Glenn. -Yeah. 488 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,433 -No. -Yeah. 489 00:21:12,467 --> 00:21:14,267 I've decided I'm going to resign. 490 00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:16,933 Then, after that, I'm going to go to a police station and hand myself in. 491 00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:18,100 No, no, no. Look, I... 492 00:21:18,133 --> 00:21:20,233 I perjured myself at the inquiry, Terri. 493 00:21:20,267 --> 00:21:22,067 They're going to find out. They always do. 494 00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:25,200 I'll have a roof over my head, three meals a day and regular sex. 495 00:21:25,233 --> 00:21:26,933 I might even work out. Get some abs. 496 00:21:26,967 --> 00:21:30,867 What about your sister, Glenn? You've got to whitewash her walls! 497 00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:34,833 Come out, everyone. Tally ho! Yoo-hoo! 498 00:21:34,867 --> 00:21:36,833 Come on, bring out your fucking dead. 499 00:21:36,867 --> 00:21:40,067 Right, everybody listen. I, I've got an announcement to make. 500 00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:42,333 What is it? You got an erection? 501 00:21:42,367 --> 00:21:45,467 No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning. 502 00:21:46,133 --> 00:21:47,200 Is that it? 503 00:21:47,233 --> 00:21:50,633 No, you closeted Regency homosexual, 504 00:21:50,667 --> 00:21:55,100 that is not it. Morally, this department 505 00:21:55,700 --> 00:21:56,767 is in the gutter. 506 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:57,967 Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but... 507 00:21:58,067 --> 00:21:59,600 You stay and take your punishment! 508 00:21:59,633 --> 00:22:00,700 (PHIL HOOTING) 509 00:22:00,733 --> 00:22:02,800 I will lamp you, with a lamp. 510 00:22:02,833 --> 00:22:05,267 Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love. 511 00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:10,100 You, Fergus. When you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles. 512 00:22:10,133 --> 00:22:15,233 But over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, 513 00:22:15,267 --> 00:22:19,400 swaying to the guff of these six-toed, born-to-rule pony-fuckers. 514 00:22:19,433 --> 00:22:22,167 If you're going to go, just go. 515 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,067 -GLENN: Oh! -Spare us this Peter Finch bullshit. 516 00:22:24,067 --> 00:22:26,300 Adam, you're waiting for your turn! 517 00:22:26,333 --> 00:22:29,767 Oh no! I remember. It's your turn right now. 518 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,433 -Brilliant. Brilliant. Mmm-hmm. -You are simply 519 00:22:31,467 --> 00:22:34,367 the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 520 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,933 -Yeah. -You were so well-suited at the Mail, 521 00:22:36,967 --> 00:22:38,367 it's a shame you came over here. 522 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,167 -Hear! Hear! -You know what? I hate you both. 523 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,067 Tweedletwat and Tweedleprick. 524 00:22:42,067 --> 00:22:46,600 You contribute absolutely nothing to the world, so thank fucking God 525 00:22:46,633 --> 00:22:48,067 you have no power. 526 00:22:48,067 --> 00:22:49,800 -Er, we do actually. It's... -No, you don't. 527 00:22:49,833 --> 00:22:54,333 And, Peter. It's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. 528 00:22:54,367 --> 00:22:55,933 Phil, do you know what you are? 529 00:22:55,967 --> 00:22:58,200 You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body. 530 00:22:58,233 --> 00:23:00,233 This is great. Why is no one filming this? 531 00:23:00,267 --> 00:23:01,833 -GLENN: And Emma... -Yeah, yeah. Do Emma. Do Emma! 532 00:23:01,867 --> 00:23:05,433 Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry. You're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. 533 00:23:06,833 --> 00:23:08,733 That's it! Terri! 534 00:23:09,733 --> 00:23:11,500 PHIL: Whoa, whoa, whoa. 535 00:23:11,533 --> 00:23:15,833 I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud and yet quite so useless. 536 00:23:15,867 --> 00:23:18,400 But I do have to thank you, because 537 00:23:18,433 --> 00:23:22,400 I have managed to stay in shape purely through the energy I spend 538 00:23:22,433 --> 00:23:24,267 in pitying you every day. 539 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,433 Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself. 540 00:23:27,467 --> 00:23:31,100 Fuck you all up the wrong'un! Ta-ta! Bye-bye! 541 00:23:31,133 --> 00:23:32,767 That was better than IMAX Inception. 542 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,200 EMMA: Poor, poor Glenn. PETER: Should we try and get him back? 543 00:23:36,233 --> 00:23:39,467 Fuck no! He's gone completely mental. 544 00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:41,067 He's gone Glenn-tal. 545 00:23:41,067 --> 00:23:42,867 JOURNALIST 1: There he is, there he is! JOURNALIST 2: Malcolm! 546 00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:45,567 JOURNALIST 3: Malcolm, can you tell us why you're here today? 547 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:46,667 MALCOLM: Ready? 548 00:23:46,700 --> 00:23:49,367 JOURNALIST 1: Are you here to be arrested? 549 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,300 -GREG: We have nothing to say. -(REPORTERS CLAMOURING) 550 00:23:53,367 --> 00:23:55,767 GREG: Nothing to say. He has nothing to say. 551 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,233 Out of my way, you fucking human Mooncup. 552 00:23:58,267 --> 00:24:01,833 GREG: Come on, back. MALCOLM: Have a bit of class. 553 00:24:01,867 --> 00:24:03,500 You do not have to say anything. 554 00:24:03,533 --> 00:24:06,267 However, it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned 555 00:24:06,300 --> 00:24:08,600 something which you later rely on in court. 556 00:24:08,633 --> 00:24:09,667 Anything you do say may be... 557 00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:14,900 JOURNALISTS: Malcolm! Malcolm! 558 00:24:14,933 --> 00:24:18,600 Back up. Back up. All right, quiet, quieten down! Quieten down! 559 00:24:18,633 --> 00:24:20,300 -Give us something. -I have a brief statement 560 00:24:20,333 --> 00:24:22,833 I will read on behalf of my client. 561 00:24:22,867 --> 00:24:26,067 "I am innocent of all charges and vow to do everything in my power 562 00:24:26,067 --> 00:24:27,867 "to clear my name. 563 00:24:27,900 --> 00:24:30,733 "I will fight this all the way and I am confident no jury will be able 564 00:24:30,767 --> 00:24:35,067 "to look me in the eye and say anything other than I am an innocent man. 565 00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:38,067 "But to avoid any distraction to my official duties 566 00:24:38,067 --> 00:24:40,667 "and to begin preparations for my acquittal, I am standing down 567 00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:44,733 "as Senior Communications Officer to my party and with heavy heart, 568 00:24:44,767 --> 00:24:48,267 "am leaving top-tier politics for good." That is all we have to say at this time. 569 00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:51,733 -Thank you. -(REPORTERS CLAMOURING) 570 00:24:51,767 --> 00:24:54,467 No, I want to say something. I want to say something. 571 00:25:02,467 --> 00:25:04,500 It doesn't matter. 572 00:25:04,533 --> 00:25:06,400 (REPORTERS CLAMOURING) 573 00:25:06,433 --> 00:25:08,067 GREG: Excuse me. Let me through. 574 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,333 JOURNALIST: Have you been sacked, Mr Tucker? 575 00:25:12,367 --> 00:25:15,600 Did you resign or were you sacked? Malcolm? Malcolm? 576 00:25:15,633 --> 00:25:18,700 GREG: "...standing down as Senior Communications Officer to my party..." 577 00:25:18,733 --> 00:25:20,067 Oh, I do feel grubby. 578 00:25:20,100 --> 00:25:21,833 I feel fucking great! 579 00:25:21,867 --> 00:25:23,967 That's a huge scalp. Size of a pizza. 580 00:25:24,067 --> 00:25:27,533 How about a toast to the old bastard's hopeful incarceration 581 00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:31,067 with a fine twelve-year-old Glenn Fuck-it? 582 00:25:31,067 --> 00:25:34,567 I haven't worked all that long or all that closely with Malcolm Tucker 583 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,567 but I wish him luck in clearing his name. 584 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:40,467 Although, obviously, if he is found guilty, then the full weight of the law 585 00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:44,133 should be... Oh, sorry. Full force of the law should be... 586 00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:46,067 I haven't worked all that long... 587 00:25:46,067 --> 00:25:48,567 With him gone, erm, I feel fresh hope. 588 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:54,267 We can mend and rebuild a credible politics of integrity and honour. 589 00:25:54,300 --> 00:25:55,967 So, er, thank you very much for coming. 590 00:25:56,067 --> 00:26:00,067 I look forward to seeing much more of you in the coming weeks and months. 591 00:26:00,067 --> 00:26:01,633 Not you, Rod, obviously. You're a twat. 592 00:26:01,667 --> 00:26:05,433 But, er, in spite of the awards. Er, for being a twat, I believe. 593 00:26:05,467 --> 00:26:07,600 So, thanks, fellas, don't be strangers. 594 00:26:11,900 --> 00:26:13,533 Oh, Phil, is it too much for you? 595 00:26:13,567 --> 00:26:15,067 It's strong! Oh, poor old Phil! 596 00:26:15,067 --> 00:26:16,100 EMMA: Did you get it in your eye? 597 00:26:16,133 --> 00:26:17,667 ADAM: I've got an image now of you 598 00:26:17,700 --> 00:26:20,500 puking up on some stripper's shoes and then bursting into tears. 599 00:26:20,533 --> 00:26:24,200 -(BOTH LAUGHING) -Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? 600 00:26:24,233 --> 00:26:26,467 You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 601 00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:29,967 Oh, then I must have dreamt that my idea had successfully 602 00:26:30,067 --> 00:26:31,467 reduced the arrest backlog. 603 00:26:31,500 --> 00:26:34,333 MARY: DoSAC did do rather well today, actually. 604 00:26:34,367 --> 00:26:36,900 TERRI: Thank you. MARY: But there's a conspicuous blockage 605 00:26:36,933 --> 00:26:38,400 that will lead to a personnel change. 606 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,167 Stewart. You're out. 607 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:42,900 You're going to be pickled in a think tank. 608 00:26:42,933 --> 00:26:44,500 -TERRI: What? -Of course I am, Mary. 609 00:26:44,533 --> 00:26:46,600 And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 610 00:26:46,633 --> 00:26:51,133 The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, 611 00:26:51,167 --> 00:26:53,867 is keener on actions these days. 612 00:26:53,900 --> 00:26:55,667 I'm going to be providing those. 613 00:26:55,700 --> 00:26:57,900 Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk 614 00:26:57,933 --> 00:27:00,300 because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 615 00:27:00,333 --> 00:27:02,800 Absolutely. Thank you very much. 616 00:27:03,833 --> 00:27:07,500 Thanks, erm... You know, 617 00:27:07,533 --> 00:27:12,833 I've spent 10 years detoxifying this party, hmm? 618 00:27:12,867 --> 00:27:16,933 It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? 619 00:27:16,967 --> 00:27:21,600 You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, 620 00:27:21,633 --> 00:27:24,533 replace the odd homophobic roof tile. 621 00:27:24,567 --> 00:27:27,900 But after a while, you realise that this renovation is doomed. 622 00:27:27,933 --> 00:27:32,067 Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe 623 00:27:32,100 --> 00:27:34,567 as a solid bed of cunts. 624 00:27:35,500 --> 00:27:36,500 Wow. 625 00:27:36,533 --> 00:27:38,267 EMMA: Bye, Stewart. PETER: Bye-bye, Stewart. 626 00:27:39,100 --> 00:27:40,367 Thanks for everything! 627 00:27:44,900 --> 00:27:46,433 Sod it. 628 00:27:50,633 --> 00:27:52,567 DECLAN: Now, er, if we can just get a couple of pictures, 629 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:56,400 someone will give you a knife and fork and if you can pretend to eat me. 630 00:27:57,167 --> 00:27:58,600 PETER: What a great day! 631 00:27:58,633 --> 00:28:01,700 Peter, sorry, The Sun have just been on. 632 00:28:01,733 --> 00:28:04,367 I'm afraid a prisoner who was accused of assaulting his wife, 633 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:05,667 he was accidentally released, 634 00:28:05,700 --> 00:28:07,067 he's gone back and he's attacked the wife and children. 635 00:28:07,100 --> 00:28:08,733 Oh, shit in the couscous! 636 00:28:08,767 --> 00:28:10,567 EMMA: Right, okay, we need a joint statement. 637 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,967 Both departments were too busy with the backlogs. Okay? 638 00:28:13,067 --> 00:28:15,367 FERGUS: Yeah, basically stuff fell through the cracks. 639 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:17,100 EMMA: Exactly. FERGUS: It was no one's fault. 640 00:28:17,133 --> 00:28:18,867 TERRI: Can I get this double-stamped? FERGUS: Just fuck the stamps. 641 00:28:18,900 --> 00:28:19,900 TERRI: And whose fault is it that the man was released? 642 00:28:19,933 --> 00:28:21,733 Terri, meeting in my office. 643 00:28:21,767 --> 00:28:24,267 -In Peter's office? -No, we're meeting in my office. 644 00:28:24,300 --> 00:28:26,700 -We're having a meeting... -Okay. No, I'm meeting in my office. 645 00:28:26,733 --> 00:28:29,300 ADAM: Fuck your office. PETER: What a shit day!