[ static ]
♪ my dreams are all dead and buried ♪
♪ sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪
♪ when god comes and calls me to his kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ let her blow-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
my turn.
Hell no. Hey, man, let me drive
that thing, come on! Do not touch the trim!
I'm so glad you could fit this date in during my break.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, it's tough being single,
especially in this town.
I'm ngle.
Leroy, roll along.
Tammi, I like this vibe 'tween you and me.
But what's the deal with you and mr. Squid?
Oh, rusty?
It's nothing romantic. You know, we're friends.
We have a child, and we're raising him together.
Weird.
'cause here's you and him, canoodling by the claw machine.
Grabbing more than stuffies, from what I can tell.
You have this on your phone? Oh, so I'm the stalker?
Is that what you're saying?
Look, it's our first date.
Please don't be another psycho.
This right here ain't happening.
You're under 30, right? I won't date anyone over 30.
Rusty: You're moving? To elberton?
That's exactly what I'm doing,
'cause there is nothing for me in this town.
W-what about macho man? What about his education?
Elberton has better schools.
Look at randy's homework.
He's still making hand turkeys...
That looks fine to me.
...In math.
What about me? What about us?
Why don't you just move down there with us?
I mean, well, maybe I wi--
well, I mean, I could, but tammi, granny needs me.
You need your grandma's permission
to live your own life?
Let me guess what the purple old raisin's gonna say.
Elberton is just people with different colors of skin
making fun of you in languages you don't understand.
Now, I know you got your own life to live, rusty,
and you should have to live it here and take care of me
like I had to with my kinfolk until I was too old to escape.
There's only two ways out of this house --
in handcuffs or in a c-coffin.
Granny? You okay?
Ah, she's just playing possum.
Though usually she say some version of "ow"
when I do that.
Oh, no! Call 911!
911! 911! 911!
911!
[ sobbing ]
I can't believe she's gone.
I only wish I could go back in time
and have her move her shit out
so I didn't have to do that now!
[ sobs ] oh, is that the will?
It does say "will...
You please destroy my porno stash
so my family don't find out."
ooh, I-I don't think she meant for me
to read that out loud.
Was this her wedding ring?
Yep. Now that she's gone,
I think it'd look pretty snazzy on my finger, don't you think?
You know, maybe that oughta be buried with granny.
Yeah, daddy, I-I think it just looks a little...
Feminine. It's a woman's ring-
I can't believe you'd suggest
I wear a ladies' ring to elevate my status.
Granny should be buried with this, her wolfman mask,
and all her other earthly treasures.
Now, box all this shit up.
I want it out of here by noon today!
[ somber music plays ]
granny was not no damn wolfman.
Not a very convincing one.
She's gone.
Move to elberton with us, rusty.
You're moving to elberton?
My god, elberton will eat you alive, tammi.
And now that they've got that granite museum up there,
it's just nothing but a tourist trap.
Why you run off and move to elberton?
Can you please not broadcast that?
Then I guess we'll podcast it, tammi.
That's right -- me and denny are starting a podcast,
just like in the "big city" of elberton.
And we're calling it "tater talk."
name to be decided.
I've already printed the koozies, denny.
They'll think we're talking about potatoes.
It's got alliteration. It's folksy.
What's not to like?
I'm sure I'll be able to download
your podcast from elberton.
I hate to mansplain to you, tammi,
but that's not how podcasts work.
Would either of y'all be interested
in being interviewed for a podcast?
I was gonna ask, denny.
It should come from me, the main host.
[ somber music playing ]
♪
[ bell tolls ]
oh! I'm coming, lord!
About damn time! Aah!
Why didn't you die when you was young and pretty?
Oh, no. Ugh.
Maybe put that mask back on.
Where's jesus?!
Oh, well.
I settled for you once. I can settle for you again.
Now, fry me up some eggs.
I'll die 1,000 times before I fry any eggs for your ass!
[ chuckles ] oh, easy now.
Are we not doing this closed casket?
Seriously? Okay.
Uh, what can I say about ruby jean cuyler
that won't offend?
Read this!
I spent all night on it.
[ sighs ]
now presenting a man you can't scare,
the walking nightmare.
The women want his body and the men want his hair.
Introducing the one and only, the never lonely,
early "the diamond child" cuyler.
Now do the ric flair whoo.
-No, I don't think so. -Whoo!
How y'all doin' out there?!
I hope all y'all can respect my privacy
by giving up for me during this painful time!
Come on, let's hear it!
All the way from the back!
[ whooshing ]
hey, the show's down here, folks.
Now, people have asked me, "diamond child,
why would you bury you momma in a ring
that looks so good -- so good --
on your own finger? [ camera shutter clicks ]
sheriff: That's a woman's ring, isn't it?
And that's what I told them.
It's a women's ring, and it belongs on a woman.
Goodbye, momma.
You'll always be the wolfman to me.
[ sobs ]
[ howls and cries ]
[ sobs ]
w-where you going? What's the rush?
We gotta pack.
Are you coming with us or not?
I mean, I would, but daddy just lost his momma.
And he needs me right now.
And just how much time does he need?
I'm an orphan!
[ wails and sobs ]
I don't know.
Just until he gets old and passes on maybe?
These ain't obstacles to moving, rusty.
They're excuses.
So go comfort your daddy for the rest of your life,
and I'll text you our new address.
Aw, don't be that way.
Tammi! Randy!
Early: [ echoing ] boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
I know, daddy. I'm here.
It's gonna be alright.
I know it is. Finally!
I'm the one on top of this ponzi scheme.
Ponzi scheme?
Well, it's more of a marketing pyramid.
Granny waited for her dad to die.
I waited on her to die.
And now you get to wait on me,
hand and foot.
Where's your young'un?
Early: You better get an intern in this program.
He's moving with tammi to elberton.
There's only two ways out of this house.
In handcuffs or in a coffin.
He gets it. Grab your shovel, boy.
I got me a business proposition,
and it is shovel-ready.
Please tell me we ain't digging up granny's body.
Not all of it.
Just the part wearing that costly unisexual ring,
for men and for women.
She ain't gonna need it where she's going.
But you told sheriff --
don't you "you-said I-said what-did-I-say" me.
♪
[ chuckles ]
my precocious.
That ring stays with granny.
I'm the head of this cult now,
and I call the shots!
I did not stay in dougal county
to be part of no family pyramid-scheme guilt cult.
Then there's only one way to settle this.
Spades up!
Daddy, don't make me hurt you.
I don't want to do this. The ring is mine!
[ clang! ]
the ring is mine!
Granny? Is that really you?
Yeah, as you can see,
I didn't make it to the jesus meet-and-greet.
Pearly gates, eternal salvation --
all of it's just a damn bait-and-switch.
That's why you need to get yours while you're still alive.
[ early groans ]
you mind if I borrow your ring?
You know, rusty,
I never did like tammi but...
...There's no second part to that sentence.
Didn't like the woman. Not a fan.
Thank you, granny. I...
I'll take that as your blessing.
Oh, you're taking his truck?
Oh, you got some real balls now, don't ya?
[ engine starts ]
I might be seeing you sooner than I thought.
I want you to marry me, tammi,
and I want to move with y'all to elberton.
Don't play with me, rusty,
unless you're serious.
Holy shit. You are serious.
Ooh, early is gonna raise some hell
when he figures out one of his trucks is missing.
Yeah, I-I stole it. We need to get.
Early, have you tried calling rusty?
Maybe he's just borrowed the truck for a little bit.
He stole granny's ring, too.
Put out an apb on a man wearing a woman's ring.
Thinking he can pull that off.
The audacity!
[ vehicle approaching ]
oh, here we go.
Pull it over!
Off to the side!
The jig is up! [ cocks gun ]
rusty, you know he ain't gonna let us cross the county line.
Well, it ain't his decision.
Fasten your seat belt.
Well, damn. It's about time.
[ engine revving ]
he ain't gonna do it.
[ tires squeal ] I think he is gonna do it!
He's definitely doing it. Get out of the way, early!
Agh!
[ screams ] sorry, daddy.
But I want randy to have all the things
I didn't have.
And I want you not to have the things I didn't have.
That's a sacrifice we all have to make!
[ tires screech ] aaaah!
[ grunts ] sorry, daddy.
Maybe we'll, uh, see you at thanksgiving or something.
Tammi: Don't count on it!
Whoo-hoo! Goodbye, dougal county!
Well, should we do something? [ siren wailing ]
we are doing something, denny.
[ siren stops ] we're letting rusty and his family have a life.
They're getting away!
Call in a air strike from the jewish space lasers!
[ clang! ] d'ah!
Huh, usually he says some version of "ow" when I do that.
Let me knock the stuffing out of him one time.
Okay, but don't hit him too hard.
We don't want him up here with us.
[ clang! ]
you said "us."
let's wail on him together. Uh!
You know -- ugh! -- Ghosts can't get pregnant.
But who says we shouldn't try?
Oh, you! [ laughs ]
[ clang! ]
ruby jean, rest in peace, sweetie.
Narrator: And so rusty moved with tammi and macho man to elberton,
thus hopefully breaking the cycle of poverty and abuse.
Early would swear to exact his revenge,
but like many things in early's life,
he never followed through,
deeming elberton too close to the edge of the flat earth
and not worth scaling an ice wall
to tangle with dragons.
This show... Was called "squidbillies."
♪