1 00:00:00,701 --> 00:00:04,737 [ static ] 2 00:00:04,739 --> 00:00:09,941 ♪ my dreams are all dead and buried ♪ 3 00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:14,079 ♪ sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪ 4 00:00:15,166 --> 00:00:20,085 ♪ when god comes and calls me to his kingdom ♪ 5 00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:24,456 ♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪ 6 00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:27,493 ♪ let her blow-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ 7 00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:28,660 my turn. 8 00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:29,962 Hell no. Hey, man, let me drive 9 00:00:29,964 --> 00:00:32,264 that thing, come on! Do not touch the trim! 10 00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:37,569 I'm so glad you could fit this date in during my break. 11 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,488 Oh, thank you. 12 00:00:39,490 --> 00:00:41,306 Yeah, it's tough being single, 13 00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:42,491 especially in this town. 14 00:00:42,493 --> 00:00:43,575 I'm ngle. 15 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,611 Leroy, roll along. 16 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:48,664 Tammi, I like this vibe 'tween you and me. 17 00:00:48,666 --> 00:00:51,316 But what's the deal with you and mr. Squid? 18 00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:52,701 Oh, rusty? 19 00:00:52,703 --> 00:00:54,787 It's nothing romantic. You know, we're friends. 20 00:00:54,789 --> 00:00:57,623 We have a child, and we're raising him together. 21 00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,157 Weird. 22 00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:01,009 'cause here's you and him, canoodling by the claw machine. 23 00:01:01,011 --> 00:01:02,928 Grabbing more than stuffies, from what I can tell. 24 00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:05,464 You have this on your phone? Oh, so I'm the stalker? 25 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:06,598 Is that what you're saying? 26 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,517 Look, it's our first date. 27 00:01:08,519 --> 00:01:10,018 Please don't be another psycho. 28 00:01:10,020 --> 00:01:12,170 This right here ain't happening. 29 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:16,525 You're under 30, right? I won't date anyone over 30. 30 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,211 Rusty: You're moving? To elberton? 31 00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:20,813 That's exactly what I'm doing, 32 00:01:20,815 --> 00:01:23,014 'cause there is nothing for me in this town. 33 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:25,484 W-what about macho man? What about his education? 34 00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:27,286 Elberton has better schools. 35 00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:28,520 Look at randy's homework. 36 00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:30,456 He's still making hand turkeys... 37 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:31,490 That looks fine to me. 38 00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:32,708 ...In math. 39 00:01:32,710 --> 00:01:34,743 What about me? What about us? 40 00:01:34,745 --> 00:01:36,628 Why don't you just move down there with us? 41 00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:38,413 I mean, well, maybe I wi-- 42 00:01:38,415 --> 00:01:41,884 well, I mean, I could, but tammi, granny needs me. 43 00:01:41,886 --> 00:01:43,702 You need your grandma's permission 44 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,137 to live your own life? 45 00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:48,206 Let me guess what the purple old raisin's gonna say. 46 00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:52,210 Elberton is just people with different colors of skin 47 00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:55,848 making fun of you in languages you don't understand. 48 00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:58,901 Now, I know you got your own life to live, rusty, 49 00:01:58,903 --> 00:02:02,488 and you should have to live it here and take care of me 50 00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:07,609 like I had to with my kinfolk until I was too old to escape. 51 00:02:07,611 --> 00:02:10,445 There's only two ways out of this house -- 52 00:02:10,447 --> 00:02:13,415 in handcuffs or in a c-coffin. 53 00:02:13,417 --> 00:02:14,700 Granny? You okay? 54 00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:17,836 Ah, she's just playing possum. 55 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,755 Though usually she say some version of "ow" 56 00:02:19,757 --> 00:02:21,590 when I do that. 57 00:02:21,592 --> 00:02:23,909 Oh, no! Call 911! 58 00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:26,512 911! 911! 911! 59 00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,413 911! 911! 60 00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:32,017 [ sobbing ] 61 00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:34,085 I can't believe she's gone. 62 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,605 I only wish I could go back in time 63 00:02:36,607 --> 00:02:38,190 and have her move her shit out 64 00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,526 so I didn't have to do that now! 65 00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:42,928 [ sobs ] oh, is that the will? 66 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,730 It does say "will... 67 00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:47,149 You please destroy my porno stash 68 00:02:47,151 --> 00:02:49,768 so my family don't find out." 69 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,937 ooh, I-I don't think she meant for me 70 00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,455 to read that out loud. 71 00:02:53,457 --> 00:02:55,791 Was this her wedding ring? 72 00:02:55,793 --> 00:02:58,627 Yep. Now that she's gone, 73 00:02:58,629 --> 00:03:01,446 I think it'd look pretty snazzy on my finger, don't you think? 74 00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:03,966 You know, maybe that oughta be buried with granny. 75 00:03:03,968 --> 00:03:06,635 Yeah, daddy, I-I think it just looks a little... 76 00:03:06,637 --> 00:03:08,170 Feminine. It's a woman's ring- 77 00:03:08,172 --> 00:03:09,955 I can't believe you'd suggest 78 00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:12,558 I wear a ladies' ring to elevate my status. 79 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,894 Granny should be buried with this, her wolfman mask, 80 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,980 and all her other earthly treasures. 81 00:03:17,982 --> 00:03:19,648 Now, box all this shit up. 82 00:03:19,650 --> 00:03:22,467 I want it out of here by noon today! 83 00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:23,969 [ somber music plays ] 84 00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,737 granny was not no damn wolfman. 85 00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:28,156 Not a very convincing one. 86 00:03:28,158 --> 00:03:29,241 She's gone. 87 00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:30,993 Move to elberton with us, rusty. 88 00:03:30,995 --> 00:03:32,444 You're moving to elberton? 89 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:35,080 My god, elberton will eat you alive, tammi. 90 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:37,866 And now that they've got that granite museum up there, 91 00:03:37,868 --> 00:03:39,618 it's just nothing but a tourist trap. 92 00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,336 Why you run off and move to elberton? 93 00:03:41,338 --> 00:03:43,505 Can you please not broadcast that? 94 00:03:43,507 --> 00:03:46,458 Then I guess we'll podcast it, tammi. 95 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:49,678 That's right -- me and denny are starting a podcast, 96 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,347 just like in the "big city" of elberton. 97 00:03:52,349 --> 00:03:54,433 And we're calling it "tater talk." 98 00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:55,884 name to be decided. 99 00:03:55,886 --> 00:03:57,469 I've already printed the koozies, denny. 100 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,104 They'll think we're talking about potatoes. 101 00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:01,006 It's got alliteration. It's folksy. 102 00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:02,224 What's not to like? 103 00:04:02,226 --> 00:04:03,725 I'm sure I'll be able to download 104 00:04:03,727 --> 00:04:05,027 your podcast from elberton. 105 00:04:05,029 --> 00:04:07,195 I hate to mansplain to you, tammi, 106 00:04:07,197 --> 00:04:09,231 but that's not how podcasts work. 107 00:04:09,233 --> 00:04:10,782 Would either of y'all be interested 108 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,317 in being interviewed for a podcast? 109 00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:13,852 I was gonna ask, denny. 110 00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:16,622 It should come from me, the main host. 111 00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:18,757 [ somber music playing ] 112 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,692 ♪ 113 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,628 [ bell tolls ] 114 00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:24,830 oh! I'm coming, lord! 115 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,364 About damn time! Aah! 116 00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:28,583 Why didn't you die when you was young and pretty? 117 00:04:28,585 --> 00:04:30,719 Oh, no. Ugh. 118 00:04:30,721 --> 00:04:32,587 Maybe put that mask back on. 119 00:04:32,589 --> 00:04:33,805 Where's jesus?! 120 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,373 Oh, well. 121 00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:38,010 I settled for you once. I can settle for you again. 122 00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:39,678 Now, fry me up some eggs. 123 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,714 I'll die 1,000 times before I fry any eggs for your ass! 124 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,066 [ chuckles ] oh, easy now. 125 00:04:44,068 --> 00:04:46,268 Are we not doing this closed casket? 126 00:04:46,270 --> 00:04:48,219 Seriously? Okay. 127 00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:51,690 Uh, what can I say about ruby jean cuyler 128 00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,358 that won't offend? 129 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:54,860 Read this! 130 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,361 I spent all night on it. 131 00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:57,395 [ sighs ] 132 00:04:57,397 --> 00:05:00,899 now presenting a man you can't scare, 133 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,417 the walking nightmare. 134 00:05:02,419 --> 00:05:05,570 The women want his body and the men want his hair. 135 00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:09,341 Introducing the one and only, the never lonely, 136 00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:12,311 early "the diamond child" cuyler. 137 00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:14,212 Now do the ric flair whoo. 138 00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:17,049 -No, I don't think so. -Whoo! 139 00:05:17,051 --> 00:05:18,850 How y'all doin' out there?! 140 00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,019 I hope all y'all can respect my privacy 141 00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:23,855 by giving up for me during this painful time! 142 00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:25,724 Come on, let's hear it! 143 00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,609 All the way from the back! 144 00:05:27,611 --> 00:05:29,277 [ whooshing ] 145 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:31,480 hey, the show's down here, folks. 146 00:05:31,482 --> 00:05:33,865 Now, people have asked me, "diamond child, 147 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,867 why would you bury you momma in a ring 148 00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:38,153 that looks so good -- so good -- 149 00:05:38,155 --> 00:05:40,939 on your own finger? [ camera shutter clicks ] 150 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,124 sheriff: That's a woman's ring, isn't it? 151 00:05:42,126 --> 00:05:43,458 And that's what I told them. 152 00:05:43,460 --> 00:05:46,628 It's a women's ring, and it belongs on a woman. 153 00:05:46,630 --> 00:05:47,946 Goodbye, momma. 154 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,915 You'll always be the wolfman to me. 155 00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:50,966 [ sobs ] 156 00:05:50,968 --> 00:05:54,336 [ howls and cries ] 157 00:05:54,338 --> 00:05:57,389 [ sobs ] 158 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,957 w-where you going? What's the rush? 159 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,142 We gotta pack. 160 00:06:00,144 --> 00:06:01,476 Are you coming with us or not? 161 00:06:01,478 --> 00:06:03,812 I mean, I would, but daddy just lost his momma. 162 00:06:03,814 --> 00:06:05,230 And he needs me right now. 163 00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:06,982 And just how much time does he need? 164 00:06:06,984 --> 00:06:08,483 I'm an orphan! 165 00:06:08,485 --> 00:06:10,301 [ wails and sobs ] 166 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,353 I don't know. 167 00:06:11,355 --> 00:06:13,071 Just until he gets old and passes on maybe? 168 00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,906 These ain't obstacles to moving, rusty. 169 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,358 They're excuses. 170 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,410 So go comfort your daddy for the rest of your life, 171 00:06:18,412 --> 00:06:19,995 and I'll text you our new address. 172 00:06:19,997 --> 00:06:21,446 Aw, don't be that way. 173 00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,781 Tammi! Randy! 174 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,983 Early: [ echoing ] boo-hoo-hoo-hoo! 175 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,551 I know, daddy. I'm here. 176 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:27,736 It's gonna be alright. 177 00:06:27,738 --> 00:06:29,771 I know it is. Finally! 178 00:06:29,773 --> 00:06:32,274 I'm the one on top of this ponzi scheme. 179 00:06:32,276 --> 00:06:33,391 Ponzi scheme? 180 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:36,027 Well, it's more of a marketing pyramid. 181 00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:37,829 Granny waited for her dad to die. 182 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,281 I waited on her to die. 183 00:06:39,283 --> 00:06:41,500 And now you get to wait on me, 184 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:42,868 hand and foot. 185 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:44,336 Where's your young'un? 186 00:06:44,338 --> 00:06:45,887 Early: You better get an intern in this program. 187 00:06:45,889 --> 00:06:48,173 He's moving with tammi to elberton. 188 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:50,125 There's only two ways out of this house. 189 00:06:50,127 --> 00:06:51,760 In handcuffs or in a coffin. 190 00:06:51,762 --> 00:06:53,762 He gets it. Grab your shovel, boy. 191 00:06:53,764 --> 00:06:55,847 I got me a business proposition, 192 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,432 and it is shovel-ready. 193 00:06:58,302 --> 00:07:00,635 Please tell me we ain't digging up granny's body. 194 00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:01,970 Not all of it. 195 00:07:01,972 --> 00:07:04,189 Just the part wearing that costly unisexual ring, 196 00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:06,141 for men and for women. 197 00:07:06,143 --> 00:07:07,809 She ain't gonna need it where she's going. 198 00:07:07,811 --> 00:07:09,194 But you told sheriff -- 199 00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:12,280 don't you "you-said I-said what-did-I-say" me. 200 00:07:12,282 --> 00:07:16,234 ♪ 201 00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:17,536 [ chuckles ] 202 00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:19,037 my precocious. 203 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,939 That ring stays with granny. 204 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,240 I'm the head of this cult now, 205 00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:23,742 and I call the shots! 206 00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:25,577 I did not stay in dougal county 207 00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:28,463 to be part of no family pyramid-scheme guilt cult. 208 00:07:28,465 --> 00:07:30,949 Then there's only one way to settle this. 209 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,083 Spades up! 210 00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:33,385 Daddy, don't make me hurt you. 211 00:07:33,387 --> 00:07:35,954 I don't want to do this. The ring is mine! 212 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,222 [ clang! ] 213 00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:39,057 the ring is mine! 214 00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:41,510 Granny? Is that really you? 215 00:07:41,512 --> 00:07:42,961 Yeah, as you can see, 216 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,931 I didn't make it to the jesus meet-and-greet. 217 00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:48,099 Pearly gates, eternal salvation -- 218 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,635 all of it's just a damn bait-and-switch. 219 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:54,472 That's why you need to get yours while you're still alive. 220 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:55,907 [ early groans ] 221 00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:58,410 you mind if I borrow your ring? 222 00:07:58,412 --> 00:07:59,945 You know, rusty, 223 00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:02,447 I never did like tammi but... 224 00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:07,252 ...There's no second part to that sentence. 225 00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,287 Didn't like the woman. Not a fan. 226 00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,505 Thank you, granny. I... 227 00:08:10,507 --> 00:08:11,873 I'll take that as your blessing. 228 00:08:11,875 --> 00:08:13,175 Oh, you're taking his truck? 229 00:08:13,177 --> 00:08:15,544 Oh, you got some real balls now, don't ya? 230 00:08:15,546 --> 00:08:16,928 [ engine starts ] 231 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:19,464 I might be seeing you sooner than I thought. 232 00:08:20,350 --> 00:08:22,184 I want you to marry me, tammi, 233 00:08:22,186 --> 00:08:24,168 and I want to move with y'all to elberton. 234 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,770 Don't play with me, rusty, 235 00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:27,138 unless you're serious. 236 00:08:28,392 --> 00:08:30,525 Holy shit. You are serious. 237 00:08:30,527 --> 00:08:32,510 Ooh, early is gonna raise some hell 238 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,345 when he figures out one of his trucks is missing. 239 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:37,065 Yeah, I-I stole it. We need to get. 240 00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:39,234 Early, have you tried calling rusty? 241 00:08:39,236 --> 00:08:41,319 Maybe he's just borrowed the truck for a little bit. 242 00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:43,071 He stole granny's ring, too. 243 00:08:43,073 --> 00:08:45,957 Put out an apb on a man wearing a woman's ring. 244 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,492 Thinking he can pull that off. 245 00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:48,960 The audacity! 246 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:51,796 [ vehicle approaching ] 247 00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,832 oh, here we go. 248 00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:54,883 Pull it over! 249 00:08:54,885 --> 00:08:56,200 Off to the side! 250 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,769 The jig is up! [ cocks gun ] 251 00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:00,171 rusty, you know he ain't gonna let us cross the county line. 252 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:01,840 Well, it ain't his decision. 253 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:03,058 Fasten your seat belt. 254 00:09:03,060 --> 00:09:05,710 Well, damn. It's about time. 255 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,263 [ engine revving ] 256 00:09:08,265 --> 00:09:09,881 he ain't gonna do it. 257 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,549 [ tires squeal ] I think he is gonna do it! 258 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,485 He's definitely doing it. Get out of the way, early! 259 00:09:13,487 --> 00:09:14,402 Agh! 260 00:09:14,404 --> 00:09:15,954 [ screams ] sorry, daddy. 261 00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:17,489 But I want randy to have all the things 262 00:09:17,491 --> 00:09:18,890 I didn't have. 263 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,192 And I want you not to have the things I didn't have. 264 00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,995 That's a sacrifice we all have to make! 265 00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:26,114 [ tires screech ] aaaah! 266 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,535 [ grunts ] sorry, daddy. 267 00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:32,804 Maybe we'll, uh, see you at thanksgiving or something. 268 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,422 Tammi: Don't count on it! 269 00:09:34,424 --> 00:09:36,608 Whoo-hoo! Goodbye, dougal county! 270 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:39,311 Well, should we do something? [ siren wailing ] 271 00:09:39,313 --> 00:09:41,179 we are doing something, denny. 272 00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:43,298 [ siren stops ] we're letting rusty and his family have a life. 273 00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:44,849 They're getting away! 274 00:09:44,851 --> 00:09:47,135 Call in a air strike from the jewish space lasers! 275 00:09:47,137 --> 00:09:49,304 [ clang! ] d'ah! 276 00:09:49,306 --> 00:09:52,807 Huh, usually he says some version of "ow" when I do that. 277 00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:55,610 Let me knock the stuffing out of him one time. 278 00:09:55,612 --> 00:09:58,429 Okay, but don't hit him too hard. 279 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,398 We don't want him up here with us. 280 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,232 [ clang! ] 281 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,368 you said "us." 282 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,654 let's wail on him together. Uh! 283 00:10:05,656 --> 00:10:09,240 You know -- ugh! -- Ghosts can't get pregnant. 284 00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:11,326 But who says we shouldn't try? 285 00:10:11,328 --> 00:10:14,112 Oh, you! [ laughs ] 286 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,330 [ clang! ] 287 00:10:15,332 --> 00:10:18,583 ruby jean, rest in peace, sweetie. 288 00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:22,387 Narrator: And so rusty moved with tammi and macho man to elberton, 289 00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:27,058 thus hopefully breaking the cycle of poverty and abuse. 290 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,177 Early would swear to exact his revenge, 291 00:10:29,179 --> 00:10:31,429 but like many things in early's life, 292 00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:33,098 he never followed through, 293 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:36,101 deeming elberton too close to the edge of the flat earth 294 00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:38,186 and not worth scaling an ice wall 295 00:10:38,188 --> 00:10:40,271 to tangle with dragons. 296 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:43,942 This show... Was called "squidbillies." 297 00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:51,616 ♪ 298 00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:59,057 ♪ 299 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:06,297 ♪