1
00:00:02,319 --> 00:00:06,304
♪
2
00:00:06,306 --> 00:00:10,192
♪ my dreams are all dead
and buried ♪
3
00:00:10,194 --> 00:00:14,163
♪ sometime I wish the sun
would just explode ♪
4
00:00:14,165 --> 00:00:17,916
♪ when god comes
and calls me to his kingdom ♪
5
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:22,538
♪ I'll take all
you sons of bitches when I go ♪
6
00:00:22,540 --> 00:00:26,759
♪ let it blow ♪
7
00:00:26,761 --> 00:00:27,926
my turn.
8
00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:29,261
Hell no.
Hey, man, let me drive
9
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,663
that thing, come on!
Do not touch the trim!
10
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,369
Four whores
and seven beers ago,
11
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:41,206
I, abraham lincoln,
hereby surrender to the south.
12
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:42,541
I can't compete
13
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:45,444
with their tenacious
battlefield superiority.
14
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:49,565
Slave chains?
How is this "foto fun"?
15
00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:50,783
Aw, here we go.
16
00:00:50,785 --> 00:00:52,367
Jabba the hutt has slaves.
17
00:00:52,369 --> 00:00:55,320
But when the south does it,
everyone loses their damn mind.
18
00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:57,206
No. That's it.
I'm out.
19
00:00:57,208 --> 00:01:00,459
-Aw, come on, tammi.
-It was a states'-rights issue.
20
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:01,960
[ bulb pops ]
21
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,329
this is a good one
of all three of us.
22
00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:05,864
Yeah. Quick.
23
00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:08,584
[ camera shutters clicking ]
[ clears throat ]
24
00:01:08,586 --> 00:01:10,368
now, you know,
if these was in color
25
00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:12,638
I would have bought a picture
and a mouse pad.
26
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,340
But don't make 'em so yellow
next time.
27
00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:17,643
[ grunts ] no wonder these hats
went out of style.
28
00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:20,229
They too damn itchy!
29
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:25,584
Ooh! My tactical helmet's
itchy as hell.
30
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,402
Sheriff:
You know, that's funny.
31
00:01:27,404 --> 00:01:30,055
My novelty poo emoji hat's
itchy, too,
32
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:32,491
and I just won this thing
over at the ring toss.
33
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:35,444
You don't think...
We got lice, do you?
34
00:01:35,446 --> 00:01:38,330
That's impossible.
I don't have lice.
35
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:39,998
But I wouldn't
put it past you.
36
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,900
Why me?
I shampoo every day!
37
00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:43,368
Well I shampoo, too,
38
00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:47,089
and I haven't had human contact
in over three years.
39
00:01:47,091 --> 00:01:49,407
That's why I try to hug
everybody all the time.
40
00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:52,211
God, my mustache
is itching like crazy.
41
00:01:53,964 --> 00:01:55,080
Why is randy home?
42
00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:56,849
Lice outbreak
at the school.
43
00:01:56,851 --> 00:01:59,184
Kids were saying
he brought it.
What are you doing?
44
00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:00,552
I bought him that
for his baptism!
45
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:03,305
My baby did not bring lice
to that school.
46
00:02:03,307 --> 00:02:05,757
Who do you think
it was, then?
47
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:07,425
[ grunting ]
48
00:02:07,427 --> 00:02:09,478
these bristles
ain't stiff enough!
49
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:12,264
That's why you gotta try
before you buy.
50
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:16,652
Maybe you get you a new hat,
it won't be so itchy for ya.
51
00:02:16,654 --> 00:02:19,121
"gaws"?
What the hell is a "gaws"?
52
00:02:19,123 --> 00:02:20,789
I want a english hat!
53
00:02:20,791 --> 00:02:22,107
Well,
this one's a trip.
54
00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:24,276
Ugh! No!
55
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,411
Damn it!
It's these damn slogans!
56
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:29,882
I must be having a reaction
to these inferior hat slogans.
57
00:02:29,884 --> 00:02:31,633
[ grunting ]
58
00:02:31,635 --> 00:02:33,085
[ crowd shouting ]
59
00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:35,304
bobby:
All right. Calm down, folks!
60
00:02:35,306 --> 00:02:38,223
Only one shampoo per customer.
61
00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:41,727
Lice combs and magnifying
glasses are in aisle 19.
62
00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:43,762
You need to do something
about this, sheriff.
63
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:46,014
Well, glenn, what would you
have me do?
64
00:02:46,016 --> 00:02:47,516
Arrest the lice?
65
00:02:47,518 --> 00:02:50,602
I ain't got that many
tiny handcuffs. [ chuckles ]
66
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:53,355
don't be an asshole.
It's a public-health crisis.
67
00:02:53,357 --> 00:02:55,974
And you know exactly
who's responsible.
68
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:59,528
-Deuces, y'all.
-He doesn't even play tennis!
69
00:02:59,530 --> 00:03:04,649
♪
70
00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:05,834
knock, knock.
71
00:03:05,836 --> 00:03:08,486
Oh. Good, early.
You're already dealing with it.
72
00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:11,707
That's right. I use bacon fat
to style my hairdo.
73
00:03:11,709 --> 00:03:12,657
Pork pomade.
74
00:03:12,659 --> 00:03:14,459
I'm rockin'
a home remedy --
75
00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:16,545
mayonnaise, vinegar,
and olive oil.
76
00:03:16,547 --> 00:03:19,264
Ooh. Olive oil.
A walking party sub --
77
00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:21,466
at a party that nobody
wanna go to.
78
00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:24,887
Well, no, I just did this
to kill the lice, early.
79
00:03:24,889 --> 00:03:26,338
Lice?
What the hell?!
80
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:27,890
You brought lice
into my household?
81
00:03:27,892 --> 00:03:29,308
Oh, no, no.
Look.
82
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:31,193
I'm not saying
you have lice --
83
00:03:31,195 --> 00:03:32,728
good, 'cause my head's
itchy enough
84
00:03:32,730 --> 00:03:34,563
with all this damn dandruff
I got.
85
00:03:34,565 --> 00:03:38,734
Uh, you mind if I take a peek
at that dandruff, early?
86
00:03:38,736 --> 00:03:41,203
Yep. It's lice, all right.
[ hisses ]
87
00:03:41,205 --> 00:03:42,621
then I get it from you,
bitch.
88
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,289
They must've come
from your ass,
89
00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:46,208
where your head spends
most of the damn day.
90
00:03:46,210 --> 00:03:48,860
How did my ass get lice?
Oh, no!
91
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,797
Now, listen, pointing fingers
ain't gonna solve the problem.
92
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,749
Actually, it does,
if you point a finger
93
00:03:53,751 --> 00:03:55,584
at the one
who created the problem.
94
00:03:55,586 --> 00:03:58,337
Look, denny, everybody
in town's got lice,
95
00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:00,472
so we just gotta put
our heads together.
96
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:02,341
[ chuckles ]
n-not literally,
97
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,542
because head-to-head contact
will spread the lice.
98
00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:07,346
Are you telling me I can't
head-butt nobody from now on?
99
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:10,315
No, no. Just for the 24-hour
incubation period.
100
00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:13,018
Government overreach!
[ grunts ]
[ groans ]
101
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,052
tell him about the hats.
102
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:15,938
Well, early, um...
103
00:04:15,940 --> 00:04:17,239
You tell him, denny.
104
00:04:17,241 --> 00:04:19,157
Hats? What hats?
I don't wear no hats.
105
00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:20,725
You know exactly
what hats.
106
00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:23,862
Look, I know you love your hats,
but they're contaminated.
107
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,747
They're just gonna have
to be destroyed.
108
00:04:25,749 --> 00:04:27,499
And with that,
I think we've reached
109
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,401
the "get the hell off
my property" portion
110
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,236
of our conversation.
111
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:33,372
You're trying to censor
my freedom of speech!
112
00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:35,207
My hats
will not be silenced!
113
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,126
He'll come around.
Yeah, he will.
114
00:04:38,128 --> 00:04:39,878
With his lice.
And that's the problem.
115
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,598
You'll get my hats when you pry
them from my cold, dead head!
116
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,417
[ siren wails in distance ]
117
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,185
[ down-tempo music plays ]
118
00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:49,638
[ beeping ]
119
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,357
what the hell?
120
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,643
[ echoing ]
ooh! Look at that!
121
00:04:54,645 --> 00:04:55,593
Ow.
122
00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:57,262
My god.
Look at this place.
123
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,764
I wear a lot of hats
in this family.
124
00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:00,949
See?
125
00:05:00,951 --> 00:05:04,619
[ dramatic music plays ]
126
00:05:04,621 --> 00:05:06,989
see my hats?
127
00:05:06,991 --> 00:05:12,110
It's the story of your life,
told in hat form.
128
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,611
"I'm a p.A.W.G dawg."
129
00:05:13,613 --> 00:05:16,214
stands for
"phat ass white girls."
130
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,800
these hats,
they're like my damn children.
131
00:05:18,802 --> 00:05:20,886
You have a clear favorite,
but you can't really share
132
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:23,338
that with the rest of them.
They won't understand it.
133
00:05:23,340 --> 00:05:24,789
Daddy, what you gonna do?
I mean,
134
00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:26,975
sheriff says you gotta destroy
every one of these.
135
00:05:26,977 --> 00:05:28,176
Well, I ain't gonna do it!
136
00:05:28,178 --> 00:05:29,561
But he said
them hats got lice.
137
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:32,064
That's exactly what the lice
want him to think.
138
00:05:32,066 --> 00:05:35,183
They're in his brain,
controlling his thoughts now.
139
00:05:35,185 --> 00:05:36,651
Ain't no lice
in these hats,
140
00:05:36,653 --> 00:05:40,939
because I wear every hat
to suffocate the damn lice!
141
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,042
Pastor nubbins:
"let my people go,
142
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:47,863
or I shall bring forth
a plague of locusts."
143
00:05:47,865 --> 00:05:51,166
now, why would I reference
a plague of insects today?
144
00:05:51,168 --> 00:05:52,617
Hmm?
145
00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:55,153
I see a lot of head-scratching
out there.
146
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,338
Anybody?
Oh, god.
147
00:05:56,340 --> 00:05:57,672
Just cut to the chase.
148
00:05:57,674 --> 00:06:00,342
Early.
Early's infected with lice.
149
00:06:00,344 --> 00:06:01,826
Persecution!
150
00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:05,013
Jesus wore a hat like mines,
only his had thorns.
151
00:06:05,015 --> 00:06:07,382
They tried to make him
shave his hair and his beard,
152
00:06:07,384 --> 00:06:10,552
and when he refused,
they put him on unpaid leave,
153
00:06:10,554 --> 00:06:13,338
even though he was
the son of god.
154
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:16,174
Early, that's not anywhere close
to what happened.
155
00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:18,060
Uh, well,
I don't listen in here.
156
00:06:18,062 --> 00:06:20,479
Y'all need to set your words
to music and rhyme it.
157
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,448
Get you some graphics up there,
throw some metal chairs.
158
00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:25,117
That's how they do it
on wrestling.
159
00:06:25,119 --> 00:06:26,952
I love me
some wrestling.
160
00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:28,120
Aw, damn it.
161
00:06:28,122 --> 00:06:30,539
Let's just tie him down
and shave his ass.
162
00:06:30,541 --> 00:06:32,690
I mean, we're the police.
[ crowd shouting ]
163
00:06:32,692 --> 00:06:35,627
everybody hold on, now.
Just calm down.
164
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,629
If we make this shameful
for him,
165
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:39,697
he's just gonna
double down.
166
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:42,968
We gotta make him think
it's his idea.
167
00:06:43,754 --> 00:06:46,755
We dipped all these hats
in lice-resistant vermijeli,
168
00:06:46,757 --> 00:06:49,841
and we tried to print up slogans
that he might respond to.
169
00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:52,710
"itch, please."
"lice like good head."
170
00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:55,480
[ chuckles ] hey.
You nailed him to a t, bobby.
171
00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:57,048
[ static hisses ]
he's on the property.
172
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,617
Everybody to their stations.
173
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,569
Engage the target!
174
00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:07,659
Uh, hello and welcome
to ball mart.
175
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,694
Uh, free hats today.
176
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:11,062
Sheriff:
Stay with him, leroy.
177
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,330
Funnel him toward the hats.
178
00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:14,366
You -- you look like
a hat man.
179
00:07:14,368 --> 00:07:17,502
Uh, w-we giving out free hats,
today only.
180
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:18,870
Uh, come over
to the hats --
181
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,005
after lunch.
182
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:22,290
I can't pick out no hats
on an empty stomach.
183
00:07:22,292 --> 00:07:23,792
What's up, little girl?
184
00:07:23,794 --> 00:07:25,844
Mm-mmm!
You look good.
185
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:28,880
I had to shave my head
cause of you, dipshit.
186
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,800
I do like me that smooth look,
butter bean.
187
00:07:31,802 --> 00:07:35,220
Mm-hmm!
I shaved everything.
188
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:37,022
The drapes...
189
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,024
The shag carpet...
190
00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,659
And the throw rug.
191
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:44,112
That's what I call
my toe hair.
192
00:07:44,114 --> 00:07:45,313
Mmm! Mmm!
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
193
00:07:45,315 --> 00:07:46,764
Sheriff:
Get him out of there.
194
00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:48,766
[ moaning ]
hats!
We got free hats, early.
195
00:07:48,768 --> 00:07:51,236
Don't forget.
They going fast.
196
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:55,373
Go on. Pick anyone you like
for fit and finish.
197
00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:56,608
Let's see.
198
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,410
"itch, please"?
199
00:07:58,412 --> 00:08:00,629
That's a little bit
too highbrow for me.
200
00:08:00,631 --> 00:08:02,414
"lice like good head"?
201
00:08:02,416 --> 00:08:04,716
I don't care for
the double entendre.
202
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:07,886
I think I'm gonna take this one
right...Here.
203
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,471
Denny: That ain't a hat!
That's a tube sock!
204
00:08:09,473 --> 00:08:10,755
Sheriff: Abort!
We didn't dip those!
205
00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:12,841
Yeah. This one here'll do.
Abort!
206
00:08:12,843 --> 00:08:13,892
God damn it.
207
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:14,726
Wow.
208
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:17,512
He is playing 3-d chess,
209
00:08:17,514 --> 00:08:20,932
which is regular chess
with some extra stuff.
210
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:23,852
Uh, I don't know
how to play chess.
211
00:08:23,854 --> 00:08:25,937
[ static hisses ]
it's all on you now,
bobby.
212
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:28,156
Early. Hey, early.
Come here.
213
00:08:28,158 --> 00:08:30,659
We're giving out free samples
of our new aftershave
214
00:08:30,661 --> 00:08:32,861
and scalp cologne,
bronco dieselman.
215
00:08:32,863 --> 00:08:34,613
It drives the ladies crazy.
216
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,314
Most bitches
are already crazy.
217
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:39,651
Just try a little bit -- just
a little bit behind them ears.
218
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:43,421
Smells like ddt and...
[sniffs] creosote.
219
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:44,506
I like it.
All right.
220
00:08:44,508 --> 00:08:45,924
Now, turn around
and cock 'em.
221
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,509
What is this,
Saturday night?
222
00:08:47,511 --> 00:08:48,960
[ laughs ]
there we go.
223
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,629
Sheriff:
Way to go, bobby.
224
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:53,598
All right! Whoo! Finally.
The eagle has landed!
225
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:55,884
Well,
I appreciate y'all.
226
00:08:55,886 --> 00:08:57,135
You have a nice day,
now.
227
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,637
Sheriff: Don't let him
put on the hats.
228
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,505
Grab his hats!
He's getting away!
229
00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:02,307
Leroy, you're supposed
to grab the hats!
230
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:03,558
[ static hisses ]
231
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:05,343
damn it.
232
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:06,978
We tried it your way.
233
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:10,031
Now we gonna do this...
Denny style.
234
00:09:11,368 --> 00:09:12,684
[ insects chirping ]
235
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,903
[ groans ] I wish my head
was a cow's ass
236
00:09:14,905 --> 00:09:16,955
so I could have me a tail
to swat these
237
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,573
sons of bitches away with.
[ knock on door ]
238
00:09:18,575 --> 00:09:19,708
daddy,
somebody's at the door.
239
00:09:19,710 --> 00:09:21,876
Uh, who the hell is it?
240
00:09:21,878 --> 00:09:23,912
It's, uh...
241
00:09:23,914 --> 00:09:25,063
Everyone.
242
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,464
[ crowd shouting ]
243
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:29,050
they're here for the hats!
Quick, lice! Go!
244
00:09:29,052 --> 00:09:30,702
Protect the hats!
245
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:33,271
-[ grunts ]
-get him.
246
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,807
Point us to the hats,
and we'll be on our way.
247
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,143
Oh, I'm gonna sheer your ass
like a sheep.
248
00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:39,544
Where are the hats?
249
00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:40,712
There ain't no hats here.
250
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:41,813
Hold him down.
251
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:43,598
[ grunts ]
run, hats! Run!
252
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,251
Save yourselves!
253
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,687
[ dramatic music plays ]
254
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:51,523
[ roaring ]
255
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,059
no! No!
256
00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:57,629
[ shrieking ]
257
00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:00,865
[ crying ]
what have you done?!
258
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,335
[ down-tempo music plays ]
259
00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:05,203
[ crying ]
260
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,305
[ wind whistling ]
261
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:11,076
daddy, I know you're still sad
over them hats you lost, but --
262
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:14,179
but me and randy made you
a new hat last night at dinner.
263
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,048
This hat is stupid.
[ sniffs ]
264
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,283
smells like chicken.
265
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,619
[ crying ]
266
00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,487
it's all right, randy.
Come on. Let's go.
267
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:24,723
Well, uh...
[ clears throat ]
268
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:27,425
that was a little nuts
last night, wasn't it?
269
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,361
I-I-I apologize.
270
00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:32,263
I-I think
we just lost it.
271
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:35,667
And we flipped a bunch of cars
after that, too.
272
00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:36,868
That wasn't right.
273
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:39,671
My life's work...
In embers.
274
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,007
Listen.
I want to make it right.
275
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:44,275
So...Here.
276
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,645
[ sniffs ]
it's shampoo.
277
00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:48,713
I ain't never use
no shampoo before.
278
00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:50,515
Well, I like this a lot,
279
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,884
and it makes my hair shiny
and --
280
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:55,020
oh. No.
No. Early...
281
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:58,056
Whoo! Hell yeah!
[ burps ]
282
00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:00,625
shampoo tastes gooder
than hell, baby!
283
00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:03,662
It does?
You mind if I, uh...
284
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:05,063
[ gulps, gags ]
285
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:08,233
no, it doesn't!
[ coughs ]