♪ my dreams are all dead and buried ♪
♪ sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪
♪ when god comes and calls me to his kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ oh, let her blow ♪ my turn.
Hell no. Hey, man, let me drive
that thing, come on! Do not touch the trim!
♪
homemade surf 'n' slosh.
Just as good as store-bought, at a fraction of the price.
I life-hacked this bitch!
All you did was take the tarp off the roof.
And is that our shower curtain?
Listen to him bellyache
about a shower curtain,
and we ain't even got a shower.
Now hold my beer.
Oh! This is paint thinner.
"hold my beer" is a fun thing to say
before you do something exciting and badass,
but also very safe
and definitely won't end in tragedy.
Hell yeah, baby!
Oof!
Oh! Oh, god!
The rocks! Aah!
There are so much! Oh, god!
I should've picked them out!
Oof! But I'm too lazy!
Oh, god!
No!
Oh, god! Oh!
Oh, it burns!
Oh.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-wee!
Hell yeah! It worked!
Go on, do it, granny!
Oh, well,
I was gonna decline...
Tell them to hold your beer and do it!
Okay.
Hold my beer.
I don't have a beer, but would you
hold my teeth, dear?
I don't wanna lose them.
Ah, suck on this, you pussy-y-y-y-y!
[ screeching ] oh, my god!
-Giant owl! -Aaaaaaah!
It's got granny! Shoot it down!
You shoot it! I've got to hide!
-Aah! -Aah!
[ gunshots ] granny!
[ gunshots ] aah!
♪
[ organ plays ] granny and I,
we had our differences
and I may have fantasized
about her getting snatched up by a giant owl,
but I never really wanted that to happen.
Eugh! Green been casserole.
Don't you work at the hot wing place?
That's the only reason why I invited your ass.
Just give it back to me.
That owl took the wrong squid.
Oh, don't be like that!
Just set it over on the "maybe" table,
as in, maybe I'll get a dog someday.
An owl attack
in the middle of the daytime, huh?
I know. It's terrifying.
Day owls. I never heard of anything like it.
'cause it didn't happen.
I'll bet he chopped her into little pieces
and scattered her all over the back 40.
Denny! Now's not the time.
Rusty saw it happen.
Their stories all match up.
Then I said, "take me, you winged devil!"
for the most part.
And I jumped up and put the beast
in a airborne figure-4 headlock,
but she shook me off, 'cause they got them
twisty necks, like a lazy susan.
Well, yeah, you know.
I know you did what you could.
-[ coughing ] -I got to --
I got to get, now.
Then, the bird carried her off.
[ crying ] I'll never forget
her final words --
"make sure you have a fix-your-own-fajita bar
at my serviiiice!"
right, so we'll -- we'll see you in church?
Well, granny made us go to that, you know?
So, don't freak out if our attendance drops off a bit.
-Of course. -But maybe next week,
bring some more of that seven-layer dip.
That stuff was a hit with me.
Well, this isn't really a weekly thing, early.
It's kind of a one-shot deal.
[ crying ] so, you think grief just goes away, huh?
[ sniffle ] like my granny there,
when she was snatched up by a giant owl.
I guess I need some sort of grief owl
to swoop down and steal my sadness away.
[ sobs ] now get out of here!
I need to be alone!
[ sobbing ]
this poor baby.
Look at him, shivering.
He's scared to death he's gon' get snatched up.
Oh, now, boy. You know your daddy
ain't gonna let no big-ass owl get you.
You see me work a tae bo stick, ain't you?
Waa-hoo! Ha!
-[ gasp ] -oh, sorry, buddy.
But, in a way, you're very lucky,
'cause if this was a real tae bo stick,
you'd be dead right now.
[ echoing ] well, looky here.
Seems the giant owl
left granny's skull in this burn barrel.
-Denny! -This is a crime scene.
Tape it off. -No, no, no.
That's a raccoon skull.
I'mma make that into a gearshifter.
Well, we'll see if the boys at the gbi agree with you,
'cause I think your owl story's a bunch of hooey.
[ chuckle ] I hear that.
Glenn, are you out of your mind?
There's a giant owl on the loose.
Yeah, I'm not living in fear.
Good luck, sheeple.
If there is a giant owl up there,
he don't want a taste of the g-dog,
[ wings flapping ] I promise you.
[ suspenseful music plays ]
[ owl screeching ] oh, my god!
Aah! [ gasping ]
mommy!
[ coos ]
shush. Shh!
[ gasp ]
[ coos ]
oh!
[ coos ]
oh, oh, he's looking at me!
Denny, don't...Move.
[ hyperventilating ]
me not stay here! Aah!
Denny, no! You can't outrun him!
-[ screeching ] -aah! Aah!
Aaaaah!
Ahhh-ooohh-woo!
[ gong crashes ]
♪
oh, my god, he's got me!
He's got my head! -Rusty!
No! Hell no!
Daddy! Daddy!
Put him down, you dumb jerk!
[ grunting ]
[ gunshots ]
[ gasping ]
did I -- did I get him?
[ air hissing ]
[ crying ] oh, no! My boy!
Looks like we have to do this again next week.
No veggies, this time.
Unless you count mac & cheese.
The real cheese, not the powdered!
♪
mr. Halen, we're gonna need
trackers, sharpshooters, and wildlife experts.
I know you don't like the feds coming
down here, but, that might be
the only way you -- -hold on. Stop, stop.
Has the owl attacked any humans that we know of?
Well, no.
Just granny and rusty, so far,
but, you know -- -so, squids, exclusively.
Seems to me this owl craves
a chewy treat with a gushy middle,
and the cuyler clan seems to fit that bill.
Frankly, I-I don't see the downside.
But -- but when the squids are gone, you know,
they might come after the humans.
No. Apple-picking season will proceed as planned.
And can we stop reporting the owl attacks, please?
If we don't count them, there won't be any.
[ radio chatter ] [ engine idling ]
[ keys jingling ] here we are, denny.
You stay frosty out there.
Keep your head on a swivel, son.
The swivel only goes side-to-side.
I mean, the owl,
she's right above us. -Goddamn it!
You know what I mean.
It's weapons hot out there
and, if you wait 'til that owl swoops,
it'll be too damn late.
So just fire it up in the air everywhere?
That's right.
Remember your training --
officers always shoot first
and empty your clip.
We can always plant a gun in the owl's beak later.
Now, denny,
hold my beer, buddy.
[ tearfully ] you hold my beer.
Alright, now, on the count of three --
1, 2 --
[ gunshots ] -aah! -Denny, wait!
[ gunfire ] both: Aah!
Aaaaaaah!
-Aaaaah! -Out of ammo!
Got to reload! -Aaah!
-Reload! Reload! Reload! -Aaaaah!
[ gunfire ] both: Aaaah!
Aaaaah!
-Hey, you left early. -You said on three!
-It's "1, 2, 3, go." -you said
on three! -There's a "go" aspect to it.
[ slurp ]
may I help you?
No, but I can help you.
I hear you're having a little owl problem.
Yes, ma'am, but it ain't little.
More like a flying minivan that eats people and never sleeps.
Not people, just squid.
People are safe, from what I understand.
Sounds like ol' hootie.
I've been tracking her for years.
Dr. Anastasia evertree.
Yeah, thank you, doctor, but the men
can take it from here, okay?
"the men"? Ha! Aren't you cute.
Bet you look like a popcorn shrimp to ol' hootie.
Unh-unh! I will not have you
talk to me that way in this office!
Well, then, I'll talk to you that way on the hunting ground.
Take me there.
And try not to look so scrumptious,
popcorn.
Pop, pop, pop! -Aah!
[ laughs ]
I'm taking the tank.
She's just being sassy.
Shaking up this boy's club.
What are you doing, mister?
I'm taking the tank!
♪
[ blast, missiles whistling ]
aah! Whah!
Aah!
Phew!
[ pounding on door ]
early, are you in there?
Go away! You'll lead that damn bird right to me.
I've got good news.
I'm here with a ornithologist.
That means it's a bird expert, from uga.
Uga?
Georgia bulldogs between the hedges,
herschel walker football, go dogs, sic 'em?
[ slurping ] -early, you look like hell.
I'm so hungry, I've been eating
from the "maybe" table.
Mmm, ambrosia.
Uh, you mind if I --
no! I'm still grieving here.
Ol' hootie ain't as picky about what she eats.
Usually just swallows things whole
and craps out the bones.
How dare you sully the memory of my son and my granny
by dumping them as poop balls in my living room!
I don't want to remember them this way!
Look closer.
I'm not seeing any squid remains,
which means your family could still be alive.
But the only way we'll know for sure is to track this owl
and, to draw the owl in, we're gonna need some bait.
And they don't want humans. They want squids.
The humans are safe.
That-that's what we've seen, so far.
That's right. We need a squid.
Can you help us, early?
[ sigh ] alright, if it's a squid you need,
I guess I know what I have to do.
Lil! Hey, girl!
It's been so long!
Give us a hug!
No! I moved in with emmett
to get away from all y'all
and my addiction triggers.
Hey, I see emmett's taking good care of you.
Sobriety suits you well.
She's not [bleep] up. This gon' be tricky.
You know what? I sure have missed you.
Let's reminisce, with you outside,
exposed to the sky and chained to this chain.
I got some of that giggle juice.
Stop grabbing at me!
Where's granny and rusty?
Snatched up by an owl.
I said don't mention the killer owl, dumbass!
Emmett: Lilith, is everything alright?
Just a salesman, honey.
But I ain't buying.
[ owl screeching ]
uh, ask her if we can come inside.
Let us in the goddamn house!
Get the bait and let's go!
Aha! So I'm bait?
Just let us inside!
-Stop! Stop! -Open the garage, at least!
We're exposed out here!
[ screeching ] [ gunshots ]
well, maybe if you suck in real hard,
you can squeeze inside the mailbox.
[ laughs ] -you bitch! I'm gonna come back here
and burn your goddamn house down!
[ pounding on door ] emmett! That bitch is an addict!
She'll take you for all you've got!
[ screeching ] both: Aah!
[ gunshots ]
[ wings flapping ]
[ scoff ] this is pathetic.
You need to man up, son.
Hoot hoot, little bitch!
Aah!
Early, he's right.
Look, we've talked to every squid in my rolodex.
I guess the only thing left to do is
let me build a dome over the county?
Or,we could live beneath the soil,
as a race of mole people.
[ crying ] why are we doing this?!
-Don't fidget. -The dome would've brought
good jobs to this region!
So would the mole tunnels!
[ echoing ] mole tunnels! Mole tunnels!
[ screeching ]
♪