♪ my dreams are all dead and buried ♪
♪ sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪
♪ when god comes and calls me to his kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ let it blow! ♪
my turn!
Hell, no! Do not touch the trim!
[ dance music playing ]
you like this, baby?
I appreciate you trying, blondie,
but I got half my ding-a-ling blown off in da nang.
This dance is free, baby.
Do what now? Thank you for your service.
Did I hear you say you're showing
them chest dumplings for free?
Veterans only, baby, not for you.
There you go. How much I owe you, ellis?
Your money's no good here.
Thank you for your service.
I-I'm a veterinarian, too, you know.
Usually, a veteran of foreign wars
will pronounce it "veteran" and not "veterinarian."
no, you weren't there, and you don't know.
Now, I'd show you my military id,
but I lost it,
like my mind in the jungles of saigon.
You seem a little young for nam.
Because the war took years off my life,
and only now at this moment,
I can really talk about it,
especially if free party liquor's involved.
♪
can I get a party liquor over here?
A free brown liquor for a veteran. See?
I'm not a piece of shit.
It's all those wars that I did
that make me drink and steal and fight
and not want to work none.
Thank you for putting your life on the line
so I can show you these.
Whoo, yeah!
I love these meat bags!
[ rock music plays, engine revs ]
wounded warriors, rev your engines.
[ engines rev ]
let our fallen brothers hear you
all the way up to heaven.
Hey, y'all, we got us
a new brother in arms here. Damn, early.
I had no idea you served.
Neither did ellis at the strip club.
I mean, a damn hero
shouldn't have to pay for drinks and to see titties.
It's so sad how this country treats our veterans.
It's shameful, really.
Thank you for your service, early. No, thank you for your service.
No, thank you for your service.
You're welcome, and thank you for your service.
No, thank you for your service. Thank you, too.
Yeah, thank everybody for everybody's service.
You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome.
Except for early because I don't think he served.
You know, soldier, I would be honored to have you
as my wingman on our ride today.
I wanted to ride, too. You told me I couldn't.
Sorry, denny, but you didn't serve like us.
You know, I left two of my toes in desert storm.
In desert storm. Yes, I've heard the story. Thank you for your service.
That's why I walk sideways like a crab.
It's not my fault
the army rejected you for having pontoon foot.
He's got eight legs. Ain't no way he served.
You're lucky that jacked-up foot kept you out of the shit.
Some gave all,
and, well, some gave excuses, I guess.
Mind the store, will you, denny?
The wounded warriors need to taste the wind.
Yee-haw! Whoo!
Yeah, baby!
Whoo, yeah!
♪ drape yourself in camo ♪
♪ and tell 'em you served proudly ♪
whoo, yeah! ♪ when they thank you for your service ♪
♪ make 'em do it loudly ♪
♪ if you want to score a veteran discount ♪
♪ tell the cashier that you served in the corps ♪
♪ buy a toddler-sized army costume ♪
♪ from the Halloween store ♪
♪ 'cause you're a fake g.I. Joe ♪
♪ and you're hittin' a whole new low ♪
♪ our soldiers fought and died ♪
♪ all you've done is lie ♪
♪ stolen valor ♪
hell, yeah! Whoo!
Ten-hut!
Sir, yes, sir.
Uh, denny, what the hell are you doing here?
Denny here was just asking me
about your time in the service.
I didn't see that purple heart yesterday.
Purple heart, yellow moon,
green clover, and blue diamonds. Battle of endor.
Hey, you mind if I get a close-up of those medals?
Zombie uprising, war monger 4?
That's from a video game!
Whoa, you'll trigger my std, now.
Stolen valor! I'm having a traumatic flashdance.
Stolen valor!
What kind of person comes in here
questioning a military venetian?
My son is a war hero.
Just look at the tattoo.
Yeah, you -- you got to look at the tattoo.
There's more patriotism in that ass crack
than there is your whole cowardly body.
I would say run along,
but the only place you're running with that pontoon foot
is to your doctor to get a medical excuse
so you don't have to serve.
Get out of my home!
Retreat from my sight.
That's a military term for "go away."
your stolen valor ain't going away.
Your problems are just beginning, hoss.
Did I hear something about a veteran discount?
Yeah, but that ain't for everybody.
They're are only for people who say they're vulcans.
Yeah, well, then, it's a good thing my son's a vulcan
because mama wants her some shoes --
two for my feet
and one for whatever this thing hanging in the middle is.
Oh, finally, arch support.
Hello, comfort.
Goodbye, ringworm.
Well, look who's buying some shoes.
You know, I have trouble finding my size
because, you know, I lost a couple of toes --
toes in desert storm. We know, we know.
Get off the cross already. We need the wood.
Early, you know the vfw fourth of July parade?
The parade that celebrates my sacrifice
and to thank me for my service?
Yes, I do.
Well, this year, we want you to drop in
on main street from 10,000 feet up,
waving the biggest american flag you ever seen.
Drop in. What do you mean, like with a parachute?
Yeah. You was a ranger, right?
Yeah. Well, hell yeah.
I mean, green beret, ranger, navy seal,
and the air force aquaman. I was all of it.
It's just been a while since I jumped out of a plane.
That's all.
Guy like you with a thousand jumps under his belt?
Hell, that ought to be a walk in the park.
And it is, but it's sad for you
because nobody let you jump out of a plane,
would they, pontoon foot?
Freaky-ass foot.
They don't need me when they got a veteran war hero
of every foreign war ever fought by man.
Ain't that what you said?
Or is that a lie, now? [ groans ]
god damn it, you gas up the jet,
and god bless america.
[ cheers and applause ]
is daddy trained to jump out of a plane?
He made his bed.
Now let's find the gold star family seats.
How's it going back there, admiral?
How about you just fly low and, uh...
I could wave at everybody from in here.
I think people would appreciate that a lot more, you know,
get, like, a big wave from a hero.
Come on, man, we're over the jump zone.
I want to jump.
I really do, ellis, but I can't right now.
My -- my heel spur is acting up.
Oh, no. Oh, no, no.
Oh, hell! I can't see!
Mayday, mayday.
God damn it, I knew those stories was bullshit.
No!
I gave you free drinks and half price on lap dances.
You're jumping!
Aw, hell.
Help, help! Somebody help me!
Black hawk down!
Hell, they got some cheap fireworks this year.
Wounded warriors, to the hogs!
Denny, are you with us?
I don't know, man. I-I never served.
Damn, I got to kiss your ass, don't I?
You're the best tracker I've got, denny.
I need you on the front line, soldier,
and early needs you, too.
♪
I'll let you sit in the sidecar.
Alright, god damn it.
Just, uh, just hang your foot off the side.
Help! Help! I'm scared.
My extensive military training
did not prepare me for this.
I think we're gonna have to rappel down.
I'd love to help you,
but I don't see any toilets down there that need cleaning.
Didn't you serve? Well, of course.
I was a specialist -- latrine duty.
[ chuckles ]
we'd spell "duty" d-o-o-d-y.
How'd you lose toes swabbing toilets?
Some of us don't like to talk about our service.
How did you lose your toes, officer?!
I shot them off myself, okay?!
I didn't want them to send me to the front.
Who the hall knew that desert storm
was only gonna last 100 hours?
Will this work? You call this a double figure eight?
I thought you was a g.I.
I am a g.I. -- Gastrointestinal patient.
So you didn't serve neither?
Hey, now, I served, at least.
I just didn't do it with much honor.
Alright, it's you and me, leroy.
I hope that "v" on your chest stands for "vietnam."
[canadian accent] sorry, denny. It stands for "vancouver."
you was a draft dodger?
Only till vietnam was over.
I don't know what all the fuss was aboot.
What about your legs?
I was draining syrup from a maple tree,
and it fell on my spine, eh?
Oh, when did you start talking in that accent?
What are we doing?
As I said, I'm a g.I., so if I strain,
my pants could go fubar --
front, underside, back all ruined.
You just sit your ass down and be an anchor.
Leroy, rub your maple syrup on sheriff's hands,
make them sticky.
Sheriff, you take the rope up the hill.
It's too narrow for the rest of us.
You're gonna have to crab-walk between the trees.
♪
oh, denny, thank god.
Help, help.
Soldiers first! Navy seals aquamans first!
Admit it -- go ahead and say it into the phone.
You never served.
I mean, I'll say it if that's what you want me to say.
But we all know the real truth, don't we?
Alright, bring me up. I'll say any damn thing you want.
Just to tell me what to say and I'll say it.
Just get me the hell out of here.
[ microphone feedback ]
there are many heroes standing here today.
Should we be thanked for our service?
Absolutely.
Should we be challenged or asked probing questions
about details that possibly don't add up?
I don't think so.
But one true hero among us stands out, and --
no. Step back, early.
It's denny.
With this totally made-up award
that we just came up with,
I say unto you, denny, are we cool?
War monger 4? Yeah. From a video game.
Don't rock the boat, man. Shiny medals.
We all get to be heroes now.
Don't be ungrateful, man.
I want a leather vest like he got.
No, no, no, denny.
Leather vests are for military heroes only.
You can see I'm a decorated vegetarian.
You're welcome for my service, y'all.
I never served. Okay?
That's what you want to hear? Lies! All lies!
Does that make you feel like a big man, denny?
Does that make you feel tough?
That's a deep fake. They did a deep fake on me.
Well, that's our cue.
I'm keeping these damn shoes.
Is it so wrong that I wanted
a dollar off a southwest omelet
and I lied about killing hussam hussein
with my bare hands to get it?
I did kill him.
Osama, too, but I can't talk about it
'cause it's classified.
I ain't gonna hear these lies.
Retreat! Stealth mode! Extraction!
Big man made me say it.
I mean, who's really at fault here, huh, who?
What would you have done?
Made in georgia.