1 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:06,021 [ static ] 2 00:00:06,023 --> 00:00:11,110 ♪ my dreams are all dead and buried ♪ 3 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:16,081 ♪ sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪ 4 00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:20,502 ♪ when god comes and calls me to his kingdom ♪ 5 00:00:20,504 --> 00:00:25,858 ♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪ 6 00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,559 let her roll! My turn. 7 00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:29,028 Hell no. Hey, man, let me drive 8 00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:30,863 that thing, come on! [ mumbling indistinctly ] 9 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,100 early: [ muffled grumbling ] 10 00:00:35,102 --> 00:00:36,134 censorship! 11 00:00:36,136 --> 00:00:37,553 Ballmart is silencing my daddy's 12 00:00:37,555 --> 00:00:39,304 freedom of speech, daddy says! 13 00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:40,556 [ muffled grumbling ] 14 00:00:40,558 --> 00:00:41,857 do not shop at ballmart ever! 15 00:00:41,859 --> 00:00:44,226 Or until they let daddy back in there, 16 00:00:44,228 --> 00:00:46,028 whichever comes first, daddy says! 17 00:00:46,030 --> 00:00:49,064 Alright, y'all know you ain't supposed to be out here. 18 00:00:49,066 --> 00:00:51,400 [ muffled grumbling ] daddy says he knows his rights, 19 00:00:51,402 --> 00:00:53,736 you jerk-fruited bug! [ muffled grumbling ] 20 00:00:53,738 --> 00:00:55,738 sorry. Jackbooted thug. 21 00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:57,239 You do have rights, early. 22 00:00:57,241 --> 00:00:59,374 You got the right to remain silent, 23 00:00:59,376 --> 00:01:01,994 and anything you grunt and rusty translates 24 00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:04,246 can and will be used against you. 25 00:01:04,248 --> 00:01:06,298 Then I'll speak for myself! 26 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,967 Whoa, your voice sounds different, early. 27 00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:11,253 I'm exercising my freedom of speech! 28 00:01:11,255 --> 00:01:13,705 I'm free to speech however I choose, 29 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:16,041 from now until the end of the show! 30 00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:18,677 That's right, haters! Get used to it! 31 00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:24,900 You want to tell everybody what you said in ballmart 32 00:01:24,902 --> 00:01:26,101 that got you kicked out? 33 00:01:26,103 --> 00:01:27,886 They were perfect conversations! 34 00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:29,521 This is america! 35 00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:32,908 He can talk as much shit as he wants to whomever he wants! 36 00:01:32,910 --> 00:01:35,244 Well, let's just say that not all speech 37 00:01:35,246 --> 00:01:36,578 is protected by the constitution. 38 00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:38,080 E more free shrimp, well, let's just say that not all speech 39 00:01:38,082 --> 00:01:39,865 or I'll show everyone this picture of your junk! 40 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,705 Well, I'll just say it's yours, and people will believe me. 41 00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:49,792 Everybody's seen my junk already. 42 00:01:49,794 --> 00:01:52,344 Don't you remember the christmas pageant? 43 00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:53,762 Damnit! If you don't give me more shrimp, 44 00:01:53,764 --> 00:01:56,581 I'll blow this place sky high! 45 00:01:56,934 --> 00:01:58,767 [ screaming ] 46 00:01:58,769 --> 00:02:02,754 oh, that's just a pack of franks taped to a clock. 47 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:05,590 That's it! You're banned from ballmart, early! 48 00:02:05,592 --> 00:02:07,609 For life! Oh, come on, bobby! 49 00:02:07,611 --> 00:02:10,762 Let me go! Help! Bart simpson! Help! 50 00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:12,931 Don't have a cow, man! 51 00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:15,534 Huh, that's weird. 52 00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,769 You had that new voice in the past, too? 53 00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:19,321 I was just workshopping it. 54 00:02:19,323 --> 00:02:21,707 Squids don't talk in real life. You know that, right? 55 00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:22,791 You need to move on. 56 00:02:22,793 --> 00:02:24,109 Everything, uh, cool here? 57 00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:26,495 Yes, glenn, I've got it under control. 58 00:02:26,497 --> 00:02:28,380 Yeah, I'm the banisher now. 59 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,549 People see this, they know what's up. 60 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:33,001 What's up is this is a private business, glenn. 61 00:02:33,003 --> 00:02:35,671 No guns. I'm gonna need you to leave. 62 00:02:35,673 --> 00:02:38,056 [ chuckles ] where have I heard that before? 63 00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:39,808 Oh, yeah, my wife. 64 00:02:39,810 --> 00:02:42,427 Alright, the tuff lads will stand back, 65 00:02:42,429 --> 00:02:44,513 but we will also stand by. 66 00:02:44,515 --> 00:02:45,964 Hey, chief, could you hold this 67 00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:47,632 while I pick up some hydrangeas real quick? 68 00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:50,769 Ellis! A tuff lad never surrenders his firearm! 69 00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,071 Fine, I'll make two trips I guess. 70 00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,773 All right come on, y'all. Let's go. 71 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:58,160 See you, early. Hate to be ya! [ laughs ] 72 00:02:58,162 --> 00:02:59,311 you too, granny. What? 73 00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:00,579 Rusty. Wait, but I just 74 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:01,663 go in there to loiter. 75 00:03:01,665 --> 00:03:03,081 It's air conditioned in there! 76 00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:04,533 Well, I guess you'll have to find some 77 00:03:04,535 --> 00:03:06,001 mom and pop store. 78 00:03:06,003 --> 00:03:08,837 But ballmart drove the mom and pops out of business! 79 00:03:08,839 --> 00:03:11,707 So where am I gonna get diet pineapple soda? 80 00:03:11,709 --> 00:03:14,393 And my morning-after pills?! 81 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,328 Welcome to dan's lucky buck! 82 00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:20,015 Where the speech is free, and everything else is a dollar! 83 00:03:20,017 --> 00:03:22,684 Free peach? You giving away peaches? 84 00:03:22,686 --> 00:03:25,304 Fresh produce? No. But try this. 85 00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:28,774 Irregular hot dog bun-halves. They're half off! 86 00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:31,109 Do y'all sell meat to put inside the bun-halves? 87 00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:32,728 We sell Halloween candy! 88 00:03:32,730 --> 00:03:35,731 Milk bubs. Cranch bars. Humbums. 89 00:03:35,733 --> 00:03:37,849 All your almost-favorites. 90 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,152 One-sided printer paper? 91 00:03:40,154 --> 00:03:42,988 Look, it disappears when you flip it over! 92 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,790 Is this bvb player really a dollar? 93 00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:47,826 Yes, and it comes with this straight-to-bvb 94 00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,828 dilf pilgrim action thriller. 95 00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,214 Because it won't come out of the machine. 96 00:03:52,216 --> 00:03:55,384 Dilf pilgrim is croatia's dolph lundgren. 97 00:03:55,386 --> 00:03:58,003 This store has everything but quality. 98 00:03:58,005 --> 00:04:00,973 And I can say whatever I want to whomever I want to. 99 00:04:00,975 --> 00:04:02,708 Right, you stupid shithead? 100 00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,576 My abusive threats and borderline racist 101 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,645 musings are finally protected. 102 00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:08,880 Just all four fathers intended. 103 00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,983 Yeah, yeah, go ahead, prattle away. 104 00:04:10,985 --> 00:04:15,354 We're just happy to prey on you, one dollar at a time. 105 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:20,575 Look, I jacked a whole ream of one-sided printer paper. 106 00:04:20,577 --> 00:04:22,494 I just flipped it over and... 107 00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:23,779 Oh, no. 108 00:04:23,781 --> 00:04:25,113 Hell, I don't want to loiter in there. 109 00:04:25,115 --> 00:04:26,698 At least ballmart had air conditioning. 110 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,951 And morning-after pills! 111 00:04:28,953 --> 00:04:32,287 These lemon humbums ain't gonna kill nothing. 112 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,673 Ballmart ain't gonna let us back in, granny. 113 00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,008 We're banned for life, remember? 114 00:04:36,010 --> 00:04:39,211 Oh, they ain't gonna know we're here. 115 00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:48,136 Whoa! 116 00:04:48,138 --> 00:04:49,805 Good afternoon, sir. 117 00:04:49,807 --> 00:04:53,191 I'm new in town, a trench-coated 118 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,359 gentleman -- singular -- 119 00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:57,863 just looking to purchase some diet pineapple soda 120 00:04:57,865 --> 00:05:01,099 to wash down my morning-after pills. 121 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,652 [ snores ] 122 00:05:03,654 --> 00:05:04,987 rusty: He's asleep, let's go. 123 00:05:04,989 --> 00:05:07,322 Wake up! Want to see my ding-a-ling? 124 00:05:07,324 --> 00:05:08,740 No, don't! Whoa! 125 00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,775 Helicopter! Whooo-whooo! 126 00:05:10,777 --> 00:05:13,211 You are banned! 127 00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:14,913 Goddamnit, I knew I shoulda been the head. 128 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:19,084 Sorry, rusty, I got my wacky trench coat gags confused. 129 00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:20,952 You get older, and all the classics 130 00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:23,755 just start blending together. 131 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,924 Early: Attention, lucky buck shoppers, 132 00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:28,527 george soros is a kimono dragon! 133 00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:30,095 I've seen the pictures! 134 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,464 That's why the deep state has injected us with microchips 135 00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:34,649 so that bill gates can... Bill gates can track us 136 00:05:34,651 --> 00:05:36,301 on windows 95. 137 00:05:36,303 --> 00:05:37,936 Yes, yes, you've mentioned that. 138 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,771 And what is 95 backwards? 139 00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:42,074 It's 69! [ chuckles ] 140 00:05:42,076 --> 00:05:44,776 which is when the woman flips around and mutually pleasures -- 141 00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:46,811 okay, okay. Please, please. 142 00:05:46,813 --> 00:05:48,313 I know I said you could vent your moronic 143 00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:52,501 opinions here, but do you plan to buy anything? 144 00:05:52,503 --> 00:05:54,486 I need to try before I buy. 145 00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:56,088 Where's your free scrump girl? 146 00:05:56,090 --> 00:05:59,424 Oh, you mean shrimp? This is a dollar store. 147 00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:01,993 What, do you think you're at ballmart? 148 00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:04,829 Diet pineapple soda, and... 149 00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:06,998 I'm not buying this much birth control. 150 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,333 I'll look like a whore. 151 00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,769 Well, I guess the book will match its cover. 152 00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:13,505 Now get as much of those pills as you can carry. 153 00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,073 Please, tammi? 154 00:06:20,364 --> 00:06:21,446 Gah! What's with all this 155 00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:24,533 diet pineapple there, tammi? 156 00:06:24,535 --> 00:06:26,068 You doing a fancy wedding? 157 00:06:26,070 --> 00:06:29,821 Well, you know how much I love your diet pineapple soda. 158 00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:32,324 And who doesn't? Oh, I know who. 159 00:06:32,326 --> 00:06:36,528 Every single other person in this town except the squids. 160 00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:38,880 Here, have a swig. On the house. 161 00:06:38,882 --> 00:06:40,198 Since you love it so much. 162 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,168 Oh, okay, yeah. [ chuckles ] 163 00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,538 mm-hmm. Mmm! 164 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,223 Swallow it. 165 00:06:50,427 --> 00:06:51,676 [ coughs ] I knew it! 166 00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,211 You're secret shoppin' for them squids! 167 00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:54,930 Well, guess what! You're banned, too! 168 00:06:54,932 --> 00:06:56,932 [ camera shutter clicks ] sheriff get over here! 169 00:06:56,934 --> 00:07:00,102 Come on, denny! Hold on! Uh-oh. 170 00:07:00,104 --> 00:07:01,770 Bobby: Stop farting around on that elliptical! 171 00:07:01,772 --> 00:07:03,021 Hide that, denny. We're heading over, bobby. 172 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,439 We're on it, bobby. 173 00:07:04,441 --> 00:07:07,993 From now on, tammi, you are persona au gratin! 174 00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,911 I'm a person with cheese? 175 00:07:09,913 --> 00:07:11,746 You don't even know what that means, do you, bobby? 176 00:07:11,748 --> 00:07:13,832 Hey, don't get all high fallujah with me. 177 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:16,118 We went to the same public school! 178 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,335 Sorry, tammi. 179 00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:20,789 Well, goes to show ya, never send a whore 180 00:07:20,791 --> 00:07:22,907 to do a horse's job. 181 00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:24,342 [ typing ] 182 00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:25,410 neeeeiiiiigh! 183 00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:27,762 Morrrning-aaaaafter pills, pleeeease! 184 00:07:27,764 --> 00:07:31,633 You ain't supposed to be here, ruby jean. You know this. 185 00:07:31,635 --> 00:07:34,752 Nooooo, I'm a taaaalking hoooorsy! 186 00:07:34,754 --> 00:07:36,805 And I got coooouuupons! 187 00:07:36,807 --> 00:07:38,356 Don't patronize me. 188 00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,025 I know a dollar store horse costume when I see one. 189 00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:42,944 No, no. Family size jar please! 190 00:07:42,946 --> 00:07:44,613 Sure is a lot of morning after pills. 191 00:07:44,615 --> 00:07:47,866 I didn't know you had that many mornings left in you. 192 00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,436 You ain't supposed to be here! 193 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,205 Granny! Granny! Our cover's blown! 194 00:07:53,207 --> 00:07:54,789 Get the pills! We got to go! 195 00:07:54,791 --> 00:07:56,741 Come on, get going! Aaah! 196 00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:01,713 Stop that horse! 197 00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:04,483 Ya! Ya! 198 00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:07,836 I told y'all, no cuylers in ballmart! 199 00:08:07,838 --> 00:08:09,454 Lifetime ban! 200 00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:10,839 Stop that horse! 201 00:08:10,841 --> 00:08:12,724 He burgled my scrumps! 202 00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:14,843 A second, separate horse? 203 00:08:14,845 --> 00:08:16,511 It's a stampede! 204 00:08:16,513 --> 00:08:18,480 Every man for himself! 205 00:08:18,482 --> 00:08:20,131 Early: Neigh! Neigh! 206 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,234 What sounds do horses make? 207 00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:27,805 Uh, these samples are good. 208 00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:29,908 I might come back and buy some. I don't know. 209 00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:31,026 I'll take it from here, bobby. 210 00:08:31,028 --> 00:08:33,311 Well, look who showed up. 211 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,812 Hey, you want me to cuff him 212 00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:36,981 while you finish off my fiesta mix? 213 00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:38,450 It's from the free samples. 214 00:08:38,452 --> 00:08:40,669 Sealed tubs are not free samples. 215 00:08:40,671 --> 00:08:42,170 You think I don't know my own store? 216 00:08:42,172 --> 00:08:43,922 Alright, let's go, cuyler. 217 00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:45,257 No, no, wait! 218 00:08:45,259 --> 00:08:48,009 I'm sorry, bobby. I've learned my lesson. 219 00:08:48,011 --> 00:08:51,012 Free speech is meaningless without free shrimp. 220 00:08:51,014 --> 00:08:53,298 But you stripped me of my freedom of shrimp, 221 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,000 the most important freedom of all. 222 00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:59,054 And that's why I'm gonna blow this place sky high 223 00:08:59,056 --> 00:09:00,305 with my hot dog clock! 224 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:03,358 No, early. Put them hot dogs down. 225 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,361 Now the constitution does not allow you to spew threats 226 00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:08,980 or hate speech or vulgarity in a private business. 227 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,366 And there ain't no freedom of shrimp neither. 228 00:09:11,368 --> 00:09:12,850 Denny's right. 229 00:09:12,852 --> 00:09:15,737 But let's hope there's a free shrimp amendment in the works. 230 00:09:15,739 --> 00:09:16,955 [ chuckles ] right bobby? 231 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,456 [ laughs ] 232 00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,158 yeah, you think everything's free 233 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,526 'cause you got a badge. 234 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:23,161 Whoa, why am I catching shrapnel? 235 00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:25,630 And while we're at it, there's also no freedom 236 00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:28,133 to take tom clancy novels off the shelf 237 00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:30,969 and read them in the bathroom one dump at a time. 238 00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:33,388 That's a lie! I-I would never do that. 239 00:09:33,390 --> 00:09:35,473 Well, these fiesta mix fingerprints 240 00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,559 tell a different story, don't they? 241 00:09:37,561 --> 00:09:39,477 Lifetime ban! 242 00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:40,929 I hear someone getting banned over here? 243 00:09:40,931 --> 00:09:42,647 You need some help from the banisher? 244 00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:45,100 Who invited the midlife-crisis militia? 245 00:09:45,102 --> 00:09:47,102 You talking smack about the tuff lads? 246 00:09:47,104 --> 00:09:49,821 You wanna throw hands? Stay out of this, banisher. 247 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:51,690 Ellis, give me my low-t shot. 248 00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:53,224 Yeah. I don't know, man. 249 00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,860 I have my pants down, and now I look stupid, ellis. 250 00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,112 Sorry, bro, I got to bolt. 251 00:09:57,114 --> 00:09:58,730 Ellis, you took the oath! 252 00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:00,081 I hit you with the cereal! 253 00:10:00,083 --> 00:10:02,534 So you're the one who opened this frooty puffz. 254 00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:03,752 Lifetime ban! 255 00:10:03,754 --> 00:10:05,870 Uh, you don't ban the banisher. 256 00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:08,740 The banisher is the one who bans. 257 00:10:09,459 --> 00:10:11,126 You know this has happened before? 258 00:10:11,128 --> 00:10:13,261 1942, a little country called germany. 259 00:10:13,263 --> 00:10:15,647 No, it's nothing like the holocaust, glenn. 260 00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:16,915 Come on. 261 00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:21,453 Yeah, I guess was radicalized online after my divorce. 262 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:25,557 But you have no idea what white guys go through in this country. 263 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:27,859 [ sighs ] it just feels good to be heard, you know? 264 00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,427 I do hear you, glenn. 265 00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:32,197 'cause at dan's lucky buck, we have freedom of speech. 266 00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:34,932 And don't forget, we recently added the inalienable 267 00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:36,601 right to free shrimp... 268 00:10:36,603 --> 00:10:37,569 ...Ish! 269 00:10:37,571 --> 00:10:39,937 We be pimpin' shrimpish, y'all! 270 00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:41,489 Mmm! Tastes just like chicken! 271 00:10:41,491 --> 00:10:43,375 Yeah, that's 'cause it's chicken nuggets 272 00:10:43,377 --> 00:10:45,076 cut out with a shrimp stencil. 273 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:46,211 Don't -- don't eat them all! 274 00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:47,912 One per customer! One! 275 00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:50,215 Uh, do you guys sell assault rifles? 276 00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:52,217 For a dollar? [ chuckles ] 277 00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:53,752 how about a laser pointer? 278 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,420 Red dot! Get the red dot! 279 00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:56,788 -Get the dot! -Look at the dot! 280 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,056 Look! It's in the parking lot now! 281 00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,307 It's getting away! 282 00:10:59,309 --> 00:11:01,142 It's hiding in the sewer drains! 283 00:11:01,144 --> 00:11:03,228 Down, down you go! 284 00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:06,748 It's the only way to get them out of the store.