[ Static ]
♪♪
♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish that sun would just explode ♪
♪ When God takes me to his Kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ Let it blow
♪♪
My turn.
Hell no.Hey, man, let me drive
that thing, come on!Do not touch the trim!
"You shall make no idols nor graven image,
and you shall have no other gods before me."
Now, what do y'all think he's talking about there?
[ Door opens ]
Hey, y'all want to see my new cooler?
It's a Sasquatch.
Early, please don't bring that cooler in here.
Cooler? [ Chuckles ]
The Sasquatch is more than just a cooler.
It's a next-generation
temperature-based refrigeration system.
O-Okay, great.
Can we all just bow our heads in prayer?
Y'all can, but my prayers have done and been answered,
because the Sasquatch has dual-axle-mounted mobility disc,
contents-sealing containment hatch,
and onboard decanter libation liberation seal
remover accessory for accessing potable
flavor beverage libations.
Ooh, it's a little bottle opener.
Bitch, don't you be touching my Sasquatch
or I'll be coolin' your damn corpse in the sandwich crisper!
Okay, folks, let's just call it a Sunday.
And it's powered by diesel.
That's how Sasquatch keeps my beers cold
and my good times chill.
It's a next-generation
temperature-based refrigeration system.
The high-efficiency diesel engine keeps my beers cold
and my good times chill.
Don't be bringing your own beers to my bar.
Fine, Sasquatch is built for the rugged outdoors anyhow.
Sasquatch strong, baby!
Welcome to Ball-Mart.No, no, no, no, no.
I done told you, Early,
you can't showboat that cooler in here.
Why? Ain't nobody gonna confuse it
with your jacked-up low-rent Ball-Mart brand.
The Malamute is a good cooler.
[ Scoffs ] I wouldn't bathe a dog in a Malamute.
I would not cool my piss in a Malamute!
Buy something or get out, Early.
All right, I guess I'll buy me a bag of ice.
Whoop, my Sasquatch has still got the same ice from last week.
I guess I'm good.
Get on, and don't come back unless you gonna buy something.
Oh, I'll be back.
When hell freezes over!
And even then, hell still won't be as damn cold as a Sasquatch!
[ Early and Granny coughing ]
Keeps my beers cold and my good times chill.
Yeah, I know.
You put this sticker on the back of my head.
Not everybody gets the hat.
Daddy, didn't you say the Sasquatch
was built for the rugged outdoors?
Outdoors, indoors.
Where I go, my Sasquatch goes.
Oh, yeah, I'ma just cut this off a second.
You best re-crank my Sasquatch, boy.
Don't you never unchill my good times again.
Hey, there's Early.
Hey, Earl. Go, Dawgs!
Sic 'em! Woof, woof!
Woof? Hey, what the hell?
All right, good game. We'll see y'all later.
Wait, wait, just hold on, Early.
Anybody want a cold drink?
A cold drink? Out of a Malamute?
[ Laughs ] How the hell you gonna make that happen?
You don't even have a Malamute hat.
I'll bet they don't even make hats.
Why, I-I'm sure they have hats. They don't.
I looked it up on my Wi-Fi hotspot.
Does your Malamute have a Wi-Fi hotspot?
I -- Well, I didn't see it on the lid.
I'll bet you it's on the bottom.Just stop, Sheriff.
Oh, no. My guac.
Your sad little plastic tub ain't got no hotspot,
'less you count the entire inside of the cooler
where it's supposed to be cool.
Burn!
Access denied.
Unregistered user. Access denied.
Stop it. Do that three times, it'll wipe my preferences.
Why won't it open?
Uh, 'cause it's got a biometric fingerprint-activated lock,
and the key is right here.
Hello, Glenn.
Uh, just what kind of cooler is this beast?
It's not a cooler, jackass.
It's a next-generation...
Both: Temperature-based refrigeration system.
Yeah, I'm Sasquatch nation, too.
See the hat? Yeah, I got me a hat, as well.
Well, then you'll recognize the flagship
of the Sasquatch line -- the Himalaya, baby.
It comes with subzero beverage-extraction tongs.
Every time you put your hand in there,
it's a frostbite risk, bro.
Shit, highly doubtful.
Oh, is that right? Grab a cold one, then.
Hello, Glenn.
Roll the dice.
Granny, get in there and fetch me a tall boy.
Huh?
I should probably use the tongs.
No tongs. Go in raw dog.Aah!
I want to see how this shakes out.
[ Coughs ] You went with the Mastadon?
You know Sasquatch is moving to zero-emission coolers, right?
Sorry, Glenn, I can't hear you over the masculine hum
of clean-burnin' diesel fuel.
Dude, they don't even release firmware for that anymore.
They're gonna brick those at the end of the year.
Global warming, bro.
Ugh, here we go.
All right, Poindexter, if global warming is real,
then where did I get this ice cube, huh?
You took it out of your cooler, asshole.
Yeah, that don't prove nothing, Daddy.
[ Coughing ]
Dude, shut off that rolling smokestack.
You're scaring off all the talent.
Well, come on! I'm a man.
I can look!
H-Here's y-your b-b-b-beer.
Oh, my God, Granny!
I said beer, not grapefruit jalapeño Hefeweizen doppelbock.
Aah! Cold enough for you?
And ironic, too, 'cause it's powered by the sun.
Climate change is a damn hoax!
Rusty, rev my cooler to prove my point.
It's out of gas.
Well, I'm out of patience with a damn company
that chooses tree-huggin' bullshit
over cold beers and chill good times!
Uh, you gonna clean up my tailgate here?
Sweep up your grandma. We's gone.
Hey, Sasquatch, you love huggin' trees so much,
how 'bout you hug this tree right now?!
Sasquatch, you can kiss my ass-quatch!
God damn it!
Granny: Ain't you got to smush the cooler to make your point?
Oh, you think? You a damn scientist now?
Sasquatch, you can kiss my ass-quatch!
Aah! Ow!
I told you the tree was leaning that way.
Sasquatch, you can kiss my ass-quatch!
Damn it. Who picked this tree?
Kiss my ass-quatch!
Okay, now, push it, push it, push it.
Other way! It's going toward the house!
Aw, that's where we lived.
Kiss my ass-quatch!
[ Metal grinding ]
Rusty: That's a cellphone tower, Daddy.
No, these wooden trees is being led by a robot master tree.
Die, you damn android from outer space!
Okay, Sasquatch, seems like all the trees are on your side,
so I burned 'em all in a fire,
and I burned your cooler in there, too.
See it, Sasquatch?
[ Laughs] Kiss my ass-quatch!
I'm -- I'm not seeing the cooler here.
Where is it?
It's in there. You heard me say it, didn't you?
Well, it might be more impactful
if we saw you pushing it into the fire.
And when you direct your own viral video film,
maybe you can make that decision.
I'm challenging people with my art.
But, uh, Sasquatch already has your money.
Yeah?
So now you're out the money and the cooler.
But I-I got this videotape I made
and, uh, this hurts their feelings.
Why are you still wearing the gear?
What the -- Get this rugged, high-quality,
one size fits all sport hat off my head!
I'd rather drink warm spit
than cool my libations in a Sasquatch.
Me and Sasquatch is done!
Nuh-unh. Hell naw.
Don't you touch my Sasquatch hat.
But you said you was done with Sasquatch.
Yeah, I'm probably gonna burn this hat in the fire, too,
and, um, produce myself another videotape
to pwn the butt-hurt libs.
Okay.
Look at that.
My badge melted.
Well, I guess I'm gonna get.
Well, I guess I'm gonna stay.
Ain't no way out, Daddy. What are we gonna do?
Everybody in the Mastadon!
The Sasquatch Mastadon?
But you destroyed it.
The -- The video. How?
I faked her death.
Hell, this is the best goddamn cooler on the market.
When I pull her behind me,
people thinks I got a high-paying job
and a serious problem with the alcy-hol.
Oh, man, scoot over.
-Wait! -Ow, ow!
Hey, Early, can I, uh --Hold on.
Uh, Early --Hold up, hoss.
Rusty: Damn it, Daddy, what the hell?!
Scoot over. Make sure the ice gets on the cans.
Wait, hold on. Is there room in there for me?
Aw, hell, if you'd only asked me a minute ago.
I'm sorry, hoss, we all full up now.
Don't leave me out here alone, Early.
I just got this crappy Malamute.
You can't take it with you, Sheriff.
If I had me a Malamute,
I wouldn't want it with me in heaven.
Jesus would think I was poor.
Have a good one. -Burn!
Damn it.
[ Grunting ]
♪♪
[ All coughing ]
We're alive!
I told you Sasquatch was the best cooler on the market.
Sasquatch strong!
I feel like this fire's brought us all closer together.
[ All scream ]
And then melted us all together.
I guess we're a cooler now.
We is more than a cooler, Rusty.
We're a next-generation...
All: Temperature-based refrigeration system.
I know.I know, damn it!
[ Grunting ]
This cooler don't work.
Aren't you the "kiss my ass-quatch" guy?
Damn right. I'm an influencer, so you give me a refund
or I'll spread the word that your damn cooler
melts families together.
Yeah, w-w-we're phasing that model out,
but I can give you 50% off one of our new solar models.
'Course, you'll have to return that one.
Ooh.
All right, take it off me.
Gingerly now. -Please be gentle.
One, two, three.[ All screaming ]
All right, let me get that.
50% off a new cooler, baby.
Access denied.
Unregistered user.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, that hurts. Oh, that hurts.
Oh, right, sum'bitch ripped our fingerprints off.
So how we gonna open it, Daddy?
Just have to hope our skin grows back, I guess.
What matters now, Rusty, is that people know we own it.
Access denied.
Unregistered user.Ow, damn!
Sheriff: Well, Ball-Mart wasn't no help.
They said if they separated me from my Malamute, I'll die.
Malamute, ha!
Y'all ain't even got hats.
-Ow! -Aah!
-Get it off me! -Aah!
-Aah!
Finally got a hat.
Made in Georgia.