1
00:00:00,501 --> 00:00:02,935
[ static ]
2
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♪
3
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♪ my dreams are all dead
and buried ♪
4
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♪ sometimes I wish the sun
would just explode ♪
5
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♪ when god comes and calls me
to his kingdom ♪
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♪ I'll take all you
sons of bitches when I go ♪
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♪ I'll take all you
son of a bitches when I go ♪
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my turn.
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Hell no.
Hey, man, let me drive
10
00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:31,997
that thing, come on!
Do not touch the trim!
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Now, let's all bow
our heads
12
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for a moment of silence.
13
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Hang on. I-I got a late start.
Please don't tell my boss.
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Where's the damn
hearse keys?
15
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Some shit-for-brains backed it
up to the wall over there.
16
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That's right, I'm talking
to you, gravedigger.
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I thought it'd be easier to get
it out later if I backed it in.
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Is that right?
19
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Well, how we gonna
get the coffin out?
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Through the sunroof?!
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Now, you best have that hole dug
by the time
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preacher man says
"amen,"
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or I'm gonna snatch
a knot in your skull.
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Yes, sir.
25
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Uh-oh, I think I nicked a rock
or something.
26
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Rocks don't make
a hissing sound, stupid!
27
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You busted the gas line
to the crematorium!
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Now I gotta relight
the pilot.
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Pain in my ass!
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Amen, already.
Let's wrap it up.
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He's as dead
as he's gonna get!
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Ugh!
It's...Hot out here!
33
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Ugh.
Rusty: Excuse me, sir.
34
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Remember when you said that
after I was here a few months,
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I could shadow you
while you prep a body?
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I just wanna pick
your brain.
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Well, I'm pickin' this fella's
brain through his nasal cavity.
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Ugh.
Now, they say it's unnecessary,
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but 8 pounds is 8 pounds,
and at my age,
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I'll do anything
to save my back.
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Now, rusty, get
your worthless ass in there
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and relight the pilot.
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It - it still smells
like gas in here.
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Gimme that, goddamn --
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always [bleep] gotta have it
your way, goddamn it.
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You don't mind if I just crack
the window a little bit, do you?
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Yeah, go ahead.
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Typical millennial, always
looking for the nearest exit
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when there's work
to be done.
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Oh!
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Aw, damn it,
I was almost outta here.
52
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O-okay, when do y'all wanna
schedule a viewing?
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Hell, I don't know, pastor,
I'm just the gravedigger.
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It looks like you've
been promoted, rusty.
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Ha-ha, look what
the cat dragged in.
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Where you been
lollygaggin'?
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Some of us have to work,
daddy.
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Well, they say
"do what you love,
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and you never work a day
in your life."
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but I say "don't show up
for work,
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and you never work a day
in your life."
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and not working has worked
out damn good for me.
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I got promoted
from gravedigger
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so I'mma need somebody
to fill my old position.
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You think you can help?
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Mm,
sounds like work to me.
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And you know what I say
about work.
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It's 10% inspiration,
90% tax evasion,
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and 10% ragin' cajun.
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Whoo!
I give 110%.
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Granny, how about you?
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I'll pay you 20 bucks
a hole.
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Yeah, any dumbass
can dig a hole!
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Hang on,
you can't hire a scab!
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Get off me!
She ain't with the union!
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This is
a right-to-work state!
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Hey guys,
it's the diy funeral guy
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00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,568
with my top 10 embalming hacks.
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With a couple of common tools
and some twist ties,
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you can do most of
the corpse prep right at home.
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Come on, I ain't got all day.
Do something.
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Get on with it, boy!
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Okay, now we want to make
an incision
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right under
the belly button here.
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You can see where I shave...
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Aw! Ow!
God damn it!
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And, uh, you can see
why draining the body
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in the last step
was so important.
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Otherwise, you'd be covered
in blood right now.
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That's $20, that's $20,
that's $20.
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I'm gonna be rich!
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What in the hell?!
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And that school counselor
says to me,
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"you're gonna end up
diggin' ditches for a livin'."
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my daddy said, "don't you
go gettin' his hopes up.
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He ain't got the brains
to go pro."
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well, early,
look what I found!
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Damn it, woman, I told you
not to dig near
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those square rocks
with the scribblings on them!
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What in the hell, daddy?!
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I said one hole -- one!
102
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You think you're making
a goddamn golf course?!
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What are these...
Foxholes?!
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I'm trying to run a business,
not dig a...Hole to china.
105
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Well, you said $20 a hole,
so I figured --
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you figured you'd just dig
a half a million holes
107
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and charge $20 million?
108
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Uh, sounds good to me.
109
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So, can I invoice that now?
110
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We can fill holes, too,
if you don't like 'em.
111
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For a fair price,
of course.
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Bitch, I'll fill this hole
with your body
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if you queer
my negotiations!
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$20, that's it.
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Fill the rest back up.
You heard him.
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This is your damn deal.
Awww.
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So, uh, who's done run off
to meet his maker?
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My asshole boss.
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His funeral's gonna be
in 45 minutes,
120
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and I got no idea
what the hell I'm doing!
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Hand me
that formaldehyde.
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[ burps ] ah.
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Formaldehyde-hidee-hoo!
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Alright, now,
where's the body?
125
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What in the hell?
Right in front of you, daddy.
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Ooh, triplets.
127
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What happened here?
128
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Okay, you don't know
what the hell you're doing.
129
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I know exactly what I'm doing,
okay?
130
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People are just
like animals.
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Flesh, bones, teeth, tail,
covered in hair,
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multiple stomachs, spend most
of their lives in the forest,
133
00:04:56,847 --> 00:04:58,063
and only live
about seven years.
134
00:04:58,065 --> 00:04:59,681
Daddy, don't cut
his foot off!
135
00:04:59,683 --> 00:05:02,017
Oh, we got us
a armchair undertaker?
136
00:05:02,019 --> 00:05:03,968
Don't you remember that
10-point buck-cycle
137
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,237
I built for you?
138
00:05:05,239 --> 00:05:07,039
I'm doin' it, daddy,
I'm doin' it!
139
00:05:07,041 --> 00:05:09,174
Early: That's right, boy,
hang on to those antler-bars.
140
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:11,476
Keep your feet on the clavicles,
now!
141
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:14,696
And don't you remember that
fancy gown I made for granny?
142
00:05:14,698 --> 00:05:17,699
Oh, it's beautiful!
143
00:05:17,701 --> 00:05:19,034
Ahh! Ohh!
144
00:05:19,036 --> 00:05:21,203
Cider vinegar,
to "depungify" the stink.
145
00:05:21,205 --> 00:05:23,005
Now you're ready
for church.
146
00:05:23,007 --> 00:05:25,156
I'm a sumbitchin'
roadkill rembrandt!
147
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You just go on and show
them folks where to sit.
148
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I'll provide the show.
149
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:30,712
Now, let's get to work!
150
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Whoo!
We got 300 graves to fill!
151
00:05:36,020 --> 00:05:38,169
Rusty: This here
is my first eulogy.
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00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,388
I usually
just dig the holes,
153
00:05:39,390 --> 00:05:42,140
but I can tell by this crowd
how much
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00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,026
bubba was loved
in this community.
155
00:05:44,028 --> 00:05:46,111
Is that a joke,
gravedigger?
156
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:49,698
How 'bout you stop vamping,
'cause it's not about you!
157
00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:50,849
Come on, daddy, chop-chop!
158
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,868
They're gettin' restless
out here!
159
00:05:52,870 --> 00:05:55,871
[ singing "circle of life"
in zulu ]
160
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♪
161
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mele "kamikilaka"!
162
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That's hawaiian for
"welcome to the great beyond!"
163
00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:07,532
♪
164
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:08,700
rusty: Oh, no.
Whoo!
165
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,202
No, daddy!
Come on, y'all!
166
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,536
Everybody gets lei'd!
[laid]
167
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,755
I can't believe it!
I'm so sorry, everybody.
168
00:06:13,757 --> 00:06:15,474
I-I'll make this right,
I promise.
169
00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:18,143
Bubba always wanted to be
the life of the party.
170
00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:20,645
Yeah, I went full
parrot head on bubba.
171
00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:24,215
And wait
till you see this!
172
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:28,019
I hollowed out his pelvis and
jammed a paint mixer up his ass.
173
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,938
What have you done?
I love it.
174
00:06:29,940 --> 00:06:31,289
It's so fun.
175
00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:33,024
Now let's all head
over to the gravesite
176
00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,826
for a pig-pickin' luau.
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Whoo!
178
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Rest in pork, my friend.
179
00:06:41,135 --> 00:06:42,834
May you rest in pork.
180
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:45,137
I am surprised to say this,
but, hell,
181
00:06:45,139 --> 00:06:48,290
I think we got us
a business model here.
182
00:06:48,292 --> 00:06:50,959
Suicide
was always a tragedy.
183
00:06:50,961 --> 00:06:53,095
But I was able to repurpose
the noose
184
00:06:53,097 --> 00:06:54,930
and flip the script
on this.
185
00:06:54,932 --> 00:06:57,933
He's filled with candy hearts
that say the things in death
186
00:06:57,935 --> 00:06:59,918
that he could never
express in life.
187
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,386
No, no, no,
don't eat that!
188
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:03,088
Muy malo!
189
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,776
Granny: Sign up
for your cuyler original!
190
00:07:07,778 --> 00:07:09,728
Sorry for your loss.
No pushin'!
191
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,696
Single file, please!
192
00:07:11,698 --> 00:07:15,901
The one thing my husband
truly loved was auburn football.
193
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,402
Oh, auburn, huh?
194
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:21,123
We were hopin' maybe you could
pay tribute to that.
195
00:07:21,125 --> 00:07:24,275
So, you're pretty much fixed
on auburn, huh?
196
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:27,662
No, no. No, sir!
Hell, no!
197
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,113
Point me to the loved ones.
198
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:30,966
No, no, just stop it daddy.
I'll talk to 'em.
199
00:07:30,968 --> 00:07:33,084
Hey, folks, listen,
I'm sorry,
200
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:36,338
but I don't think we can
accommodate your kind here.
201
00:07:36,340 --> 00:07:37,172
What? Wait.
202
00:07:37,174 --> 00:07:38,673
What "kind" is that,
early?
203
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:40,842
I think we all know
what I'm talkin' about, glenn.
204
00:07:40,844 --> 00:07:44,312
You know, she came all the way
from alabama on my referral.
205
00:07:44,314 --> 00:07:47,432
I'm sorry, but he can't be
buried at a georgia graveyard.
206
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,434
The red georgia clay
will reject him.
207
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:51,302
It's red
for a damn reason!
208
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:52,971
Georgia bulldogs, baby!
Sic 'em!
209
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,439
Woof, woof, woof, woof!
Woof, woof!
210
00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:56,741
But -- but I am sure my
colleague can make an exception.
211
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:58,276
Ain't that right, daddy?
212
00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:01,196
If it was an inferior
acc team -- say, georgia tech
213
00:08:01,198 --> 00:08:03,782
or wake forest --
I'd do that out of sympathy.
214
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,450
But auburn?
I refuse!
215
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:06,918
Daddy,
this is your job,
216
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,086
so unless you want me
to fire your ass,
217
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,487
I suggest you do
what I say.
218
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,673
Well, I suggest they take
his auburn-lovin' ass
219
00:08:11,675 --> 00:08:14,042
down the street
to another establishment --
220
00:08:14,044 --> 00:08:16,127
one where they don't care
who they mingle with!
221
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:17,462
Get out!
Security!
222
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:18,997
Alright, early, alright!
Fine!
223
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,465
I would say,
"sorry for your loss,"
224
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,517
but you're so damn used
to losing to georgia,
225
00:08:22,519 --> 00:08:24,719
I'd be apologizin'
you nonstop!
226
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,137
Come on.
227
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,273
I apologize, folks.
I can prepare the body.
228
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,558
It's auburn tigers,
right?
229
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,010
That's right.
War damn eagle.
230
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,813
Wait -- wait a minute, so,
there's an eagle, too?
231
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,314
[ telephone rings ]
232
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:38,617
jiggle hut. If you're callin'
about a prostitute,
233
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:39,684
we don't do that anymore.
234
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,219
[ chuckles ] wink, wink.
235
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:44,322
Hey, ellis. Uh, listen here,
you still trafficking them,
236
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,491
uh, exotic animals
and whatnot?
237
00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:49,961
Officially, the petting zoo
is closed due to lack of permit,
238
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:53,231
but we could still do
"private events"
239
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,666
if the money is right.
240
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,218
Yeah, man, I got money.
Let's talk turkey.
241
00:08:56,220 --> 00:08:58,136
Oh, good, cause that's really
all I have left,
242
00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,754
mostly, is turkeys.
[ turkeys gobbling ]
243
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:02,807
now, you ain't goin' over
the state line, are ya?
244
00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:04,226
Ma'am,
I think we put together
245
00:09:04,228 --> 00:09:06,761
a very moving tribute
to your husband.
246
00:09:06,763 --> 00:09:09,431
Yeah, it's movin' a lot,
so, uh, let's pick up the pace.
247
00:09:09,433 --> 00:09:10,815
He's smellin' the meat.
Is --
248
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:12,267
are those live animals
in there?
249
00:09:12,269 --> 00:09:13,768
Yeah,
but they're sedated.
250
00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:15,437
Right, ellis?
Oh, yeah.
251
00:09:15,439 --> 00:09:16,855
Heavily sedated.
252
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,222
Yeah, I ain't doing this.
253
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:20,358
Here, I highlighted
the relevant passages.
254
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,028
You can just wing it.
Nobody listens anyway.
255
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:24,496
Down! Down!
256
00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:28,500
Uh, [clears throat]
will everyone please be seated?
257
00:09:28,502 --> 00:09:31,336
We're gathered here today
in the presence of god
258
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,004
to honor the life of --
[ airhorn blows ]
259
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:35,674
how dare you invoke
the name of god,
260
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:38,076
preparing a auburn body
for burial!
261
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,045
God hates auburn!
262
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:41,263
Oh, daddy, no!
263
00:09:41,265 --> 00:09:43,247
Oh, hell, he's gone
full westboro.
264
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:47,085
Behold, the mark of the beast --
the "au" on the helmet!
265
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:50,021
Folks, y'all don't
listen to this!
[ airhorn blows ]
266
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,590
apple ceo tim apple
went to auburn,
267
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:56,778
and now we all have government
tracking chips in our heads.
268
00:09:56,780 --> 00:09:58,146
Daddy,
keep it down, now.
269
00:09:58,148 --> 00:10:00,031
You're rilin' up the tiger!
Wait, hold up.
270
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,449
You got a living tiger?
271
00:10:01,451 --> 00:10:03,318
Yeah, I couldn't scrape up
an eagle in time,
272
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,871
but I think
the wild turkey works.
273
00:10:06,873 --> 00:10:08,439
Oh, god.
274
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:11,543
Thou shall not worship
two mascots!
275
00:10:13,630 --> 00:10:15,630
Oh, lindsey!
276
00:10:15,632 --> 00:10:17,415
Uh, I gotta jet.
277
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,167
Stay calm,
everybody, stay calm!
278
00:10:19,169 --> 00:10:20,635
They --
they can smell fear.
279
00:10:20,637 --> 00:10:22,087
[ growls ]
280
00:10:22,089 --> 00:10:23,638
please, early, help!
281
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,140
Hell, no!
Oh!
282
00:10:25,142 --> 00:10:26,591
Get down, tiger!
It's got my leg, early!
283
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:28,426
Ha, ha, ha!
Ya damn auburn-lover!
284
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:29,978
Damn it,
and I liked this job.
285
00:10:29,980 --> 00:10:32,463
That's what you get
when you take on the dawgs!
286
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,766
Sic 'em! Woof, woof, woof, woof!
Woof, woof, woof, woof!
287
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:43,108
♪
288
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:51,616
♪
289
00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:56,688
♪