1 00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:04,071 Maybe I'm stupid, 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:06,711 maybe the jury's stupid. 3 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:09,268 So many things don't add up. 4 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,590 You say you were in a restaurant, 5 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:15,275 you ate alone, but no one remembers you. 6 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,909 And the flowers, 7 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,392 the flowers. 8 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:28,634 It seems very odd that you would send your wife flowers and not include a card. 9 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,268 Whenever I sent my wife flowers, I always wrote a card. 10 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:34,510 Objection! 11 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,717 -When did you ever send me flowers? -I sent you flowers. 12 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,155 Name me one occasion when you sent me flowers? 13 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,038 -After your mother died. -A wreath doesn't count. 14 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:46,112 -Of course it does. -Does that count? 15 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:47,997 (MURMURING) 16 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,117 -My Lord, does that count? -It's still flowers. 17 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,270 You asked when did I ever send you flowers. 18 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:56,909 -Let's stick to the facts, shall we? -Shove your facts and your flowers... 19 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:57,989 (GAVEL POUNDING) 20 00:00:58,080 --> 00:00:59,638 Order! Order! 21 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:03,952 I order you to kiss and make up. 22 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:07,394 -My Lord? -My Lord? 23 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,198 You heard me. 24 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,199 (ALL APPLAUDING) 25 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,753 And cut there. Thank you, everybody. Thank you very much, guys. 26 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,914 MAN OVER RADIO: Okay, cut there, thank you. Thanks, Pete. 27 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:46,271 (MOBILE RINGING) 28 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,510 -Hello? -All right? 29 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:53,716 -Hey, how you doing? -Nervous. 30 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,438 -Why? -Big night, innit? 31 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,114 -Why, why, what's happened? -Filming the sitcom. 32 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,953 -What sitcom? -My sitcom. You're coming down. 33 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,838 Oh, yeah. I thought that was next week. 34 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:07,276 No, it's tonight, 7:30. Then every Thursday for six weeks. 35 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,874 -Put it in your diary. -I haven't got a diary. 36 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,520 -It's a figure of speech. -You doing a speech? 37 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,591 Well, this has been helpful. I'm glad I called. 38 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,193 Listen, let me know how it goes, eh? 39 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:20,558 -You're coming down. -Oh, right then. Well, what time does it start? 40 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,199 -7:30. -All right then. Bye. 41 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,032 All right, cheers. 42 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:39,629 Thank you. 43 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:43,633 -All right, see you later. Bye, yeah. Hiya. -Hi. 44 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,995 -What were you rolling your eyes at? -Just all that lot. 45 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:50,868 All, ooh, fawning all over you. That must get a bit exhausting, eh? 46 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,076 Yeah, it can be pretty exhausting, yeah. 47 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,913 Well, especially 'cause they're just doing it 'cause you're famous. 48 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,355 Well, they're not doing it just 'cause I'm famous, though. 49 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:02,035 -Well, it is, though, innit? -No, it's my looks as well. 50 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:06,955 Hmm. I just don't think that they would be acting like that if you weren't a film star. 51 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,634 Yeah, they pretty much would, yeah. I've always had attention. 52 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:14,748 No, well, all I'm saying is, like, if you were the prop boy, you'd just get ignored. 53 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,356 What, with this face? I wouldn't get ignored. 54 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:22,512 I'll tell you who does get ignored. Johnny Depp. 55 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,876 On the set of Pirates of the Caribbean the birds just walk straight past him, 56 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,032 "Get out the bloody way, whoever you are, we wanna get to Orlando."' 57 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,793 -They're round me like flies round shit. -They ignore Johnny Depp? 58 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:36,078 Yeah. They're going, "Oh, Orlando, who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?" 59 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,276 I'm going, "It's Johnny Depp," you know, 60 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,909 and they're going, "Who cares? You were Legolas in Lord of the Rings. " 61 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,673 "Ooh, look at me, I make art-house movies. 62 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:49,356 "Oh, I've got scissors for hands."' Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker. 63 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:58,552 MAN OVER RADIO: Okay, stand by, everybody. Stand by, thank you. 64 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,153 Hey, buddy! 65 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,596 -All right? How's it going, all set? -I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. 66 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,796 -No? -This is not the comedy I set out to do. 67 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,714 I wanted something real that people would relate to and it's all changed 68 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,598 -because people have stuck their nose in. -Yeah, I'm hearing you. 69 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,069 But do you know what, this is typical first-night nerves, all right? 70 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,799 I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Oh, the script's not funny."' 71 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,871 You know, "It's crass, it's lowest common denominator."' 72 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,188 And, you know, you're right. 73 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,714 But don't worry about it because people will watch anything, all right? 74 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,758 Particularly if it's on after East Enders and they ain't got to change the channel. 75 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:30,035 Those sort of morons will help us win the ratings war, 76 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:31,997 and, you know, ratings in the end are what count. 77 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,071 -And merchandise. -Well, it's not what counts for me, all right? 78 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,754 I wanted to write a good credible comedy that would stand the test of time. 79 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,398 Yeah, I know. I agree, I was just saying that 80 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,072 'cause that's what I thought you wanted me to say. 81 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,230 Well, don't. Tell the truth. 82 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:45,039 I will, and the truth is, if you're not happy, I'm right behind you. 83 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,350 -Right. -And I've got the perfect replacement. 84 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:50,716 -For what? -For you, for your character. It's only Barry. 85 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:52,028 (ANDY SIGHING) 86 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:53,917 -All right, Shaun? -He's all set, knows all the lines, 87 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,275 he's ready to go, can step in. What's your character's catchphrase? 88 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,874 It's not a catchphrase. It's something the real Ray used to actually say. 89 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,632 What was it? 90 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,280 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 91 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,918 Look at that, nothing, stony face. 92 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,719 And I love a giggle me. I love a laugh, don't l? You do it. 93 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,677 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 94 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,990 (LAUGHING) It's good, innit? I don't know how he comes up with it. 95 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,308 -He didn't come up with it. -Yeah. 96 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,913 The thing about Barry is, and I've noticed this, right, 97 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,629 people will laugh at him, they never laugh with him. It's extraordinary. 98 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:19,869 Look at that face. 99 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,428 There's a sort of undercurrent of tragedy to it, isn't there? Do it. 100 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,829 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 101 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:29,391 -I love it, because he's desperate. -Yeah, the role's taken, cheers. 102 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,916 -Pardon us. Hello, how's it going? All right? -Yeah, everything all right? 103 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,877 -I think so. Damon? -Yeah, everybody's in. 104 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,428 Rehearsals should kick off about twenty past. 105 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,513 -Right. -Just one teeny-incy-winsy-little hiccup, 106 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,955 Paul Shane's dropped out. 107 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:47,430 -Why? -He was worried it was a little bit too broad. 108 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,432 Paul Shane thinks this is too broad? Right. 109 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,149 Well, it's only a little part, isn't it? And we've got a replacement, Keith's on his way. 110 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,595 -Keith? -Keith Chegwin. 111 00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,116 Keith Chegwin? Can he act? He's a TV presenter, isn't he? 112 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,714 We thought it'd add a nice little bit of extra kitsch value. 113 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,711 Yeah, great. 114 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,189 -See that, that does annoy me a little bit. -Why? 115 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,955 Well, if you're looking for a podgy fella who'll do anything to get on the telly, Barry. 116 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:12,712 You were trying to get him my part a minute ago. 117 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,233 Well, he's versatile. He's multi-talented. 118 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,197 You never even saw his one-man version of Romeo and Juliet. 119 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:17,998 Do a bit for them. It was brilliant. 120 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,595 O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied? 121 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:24,999 What satisfaction canst thou have tonight? 122 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:29,073 The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine. 123 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,870 Oh, I gave thee mine before thou didst request it, 124 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:37,078 and yet I would it were to give again. 125 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:46,119 -Always gets me, that bit. Well done. -All right, okay. 126 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:56,156 -Maggie. Hello. -Oh, hi. 127 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:01,076 You're not still an extra are you? Oh, God, that must do your head in. 128 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,720 You know I'm an actress now? How long have you been an extra? 129 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,030 -Supporting artist. -How long have you been doing that now? 130 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,237 I only did it about 18 months and then I was plucked out of the cesspool. 131 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:11,117 -No disrespect. -None taken. 132 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,111 I've got a scene later with Orlando Bloom. 133 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,553 -Ah. -He's gorgeous. 134 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:17,074 Well... I just did a scene with him. 135 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:20,152 No, but yeah, I mean, I've got an actual scene with dialogue, 136 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,310 not just a fuzzy blob in the background. 137 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,118 -No disrespect. -None taken, again. 138 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:25,235 (MOBILE RINGING) 139 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,878 Oh, hang on. Oh, it's Matty Bowers. 140 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,359 -I've just got to take this. -It's okay. 141 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,192 Hello, darling. 142 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,434 Listen, listen... No, Matt, can I just call you back? 143 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,476 -Sorry I'm just with a friend. -It's all right. I'm all right. 144 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,358 Yes, she is female. 145 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:47,309 Oh, he says can I take a picture of you? Hold on a sec, hang on. 146 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,799 (CAMERA PHONE CLICKING) 147 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,589 I'll text it to you. You're a dirty old man. Bye. 148 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,073 Actually, he's not old. He's 28 and he's got his own yacht. 149 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,594 -Oh. Oh. -He's quite a catch. 150 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,274 So where you living at the moment? Have you got your own place? 151 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:04,272 -Yes, I've got my own place. -'Cause you were renting before. 152 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,237 That grotty little council place behind Londis. 153 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,915 -Yeah, I'm still there. -You're well, though? 154 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,992 -Surprisingly. -Yeah, well, that's the main thing, yeah. 155 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,992 Even if you've got nothing else, at least you've got your health, eh? 156 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,071 -At the moment. -Yeah. 157 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,754 Talking of bad luck. Did you hear about Barbara? 158 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:26,517 Trevor's left her for a younger model. She is devastated, honestly, all alone, 159 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,319 crying herself to sleep every night in that big house. 160 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,119 She has got her own house, at least, which is something. 161 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:33,235 Good for her. 162 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:34,309 (MOBILE BEEPING) 163 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,197 Oh, that'll be Matty. 164 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:40,399 Oh. No. 165 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,157 Never mind. 166 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,549 Oh, he's late again. Alfie's going to be in so much trouble. 167 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,915 Well, I'm not carrying the can for him again. 168 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:54,039 Well, there's no excuses this time. Mr Stokes said if he's late one more time, 169 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,554 he's gonna give him the brush off. 170 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:01,629 Oh, here he is. Alfie, not again. 171 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,235 -Why are you late? -Because I buried me sister today! 172 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:07,998 Yep, great. Let's move on. Next scene. 173 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,913 Sorry, I don't want to interfere. Is that how he's gonna do it? 174 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,389 Because it's meant to be a sad line, "l buried my sister today."' 175 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,516 He was smiling. It's got to be an emotional... 176 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,194 -Hang on, everyone. -Sorry, Keith, can we try that again? 177 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:20,271 You were smiling, mate, it's... 178 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,794 They all sort of think you're a joke 'cause you're always late, 179 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,189 but today you've got a valid reason, you buried your sister. 180 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,317 It's sort of like a... Oh, it's like an emotional point in the show. 181 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,516 -Could we do it again? -Yeah, no worries. 182 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,239 Okay, sorry. 183 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:40,950 You're smiling again. You mustn't smile, you're sad. Okay? 184 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,270 You've just been to a funeral. 185 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,672 Okay, in you come. 186 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:52,268 Alfie, not again. Why are you late? 187 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:56,155 Because I buried my sister today. 188 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:57,879 Don't look at the camera. 189 00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,951 -You mustn't look at the camera. -Sorry. 190 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,189 -Okay? -Yeah. 191 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,236 It sort of breaks the illusion this is real life. 192 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,072 -Right. -Go again. 193 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,474 Okay, in you come, action. 194 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,072 You're smiling. Sad. 195 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:16,797 You looked straight at the lens again. Good, double whammy, and again. 196 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,359 Action. 197 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,669 -Alfie, not again. Why are you late? -Because l... 198 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,832 We can't see you, Keith, you've gone too far, okay? 199 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,593 You've got to stay on that mark, the blue mark down there, 200 00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:33,116 that's for you to stand on 'cause that's where the camera is pointing 201 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,997 and then we can see your face. 202 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,833 So, just to recap, come in, not smiling 'cause you're sad 203 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,593 'cause you just buried your sister, don't look at the camera 204 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:44,229 and stand on that mark so we can see you on the telly. 205 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:45,673 Okay? 206 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,229 -There's a lot to remember, isn't there? -There is a lot to remember. 207 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:53,189 There is a lot to remember. It's called acting. Okay, okay, action. 208 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:55,593 Sad! 209 00:10:56,240 --> 00:11:00,199 Too far, left a bit, don't look at me! Okay, ask him the question. 210 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,748 -Why are you late? -Because my sister buried me today. 211 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,559 Oh, for fuck's sake! Why would your sister bury you? 212 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,349 -That'd be mental! -Oh, sorry, I get so confused. 213 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,673 -The thing is my sister's not dead. -What? 214 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:17,032 I told them when I started, me sister, she's not dead. 215 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,791 -Do you mean in real life? -Yeah. 216 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,830 Presumably you don't work in a factory in real life? 217 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,876 -No. -And your name's not Alfie. 218 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,632 Yeah, you see, that's another thing. 219 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:32,235 Sometimes I don't know who's talking to who. 220 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,438 Would you rather be called Keith in this? 221 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,158 It would help. 222 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,998 Okay, everyone, we're changing Keith's character name from Alfie to Keith. 223 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:46,310 Okay? Good. Let's go again. 224 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:51,709 This time, then. Okay, in you come, Keith. 225 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,439 -Keith me or Keith the character? -Same person! 226 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,557 Keith... Okay, Keith you and Keith the character, 227 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,757 all-in-one Keith, okay, in you come. Action! 228 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,590 -The door's stuck. -That's lunch! 229 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:11,269 Okay. No, okay, bye. Bye. 230 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:15,311 Yeah, just a call to do a small part in a film, but I just had to let them down, 231 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,231 -I'm too busy. -Aw. 232 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,118 -Oh, I wonder if they'd want you. -No, I wouldn't have thought so. 233 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,270 -No, hang on, let me give them a call. -No, no. 234 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,954 Try and help my bloody mates. You need the help. 235 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,235 -But I'm not even a proper actress. -Hang on. 236 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:31,598 Hiya, Pauline. Listen, about that job, I've got a friend who's available. 237 00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:36,470 Does she have to be good looking? Does she? Oh. 238 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,592 Oh, I don't know, late 30s, early 40s. 239 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,194 -I'd say mousy. -Blonde. 240 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:47,398 But lovely girl, great personality, desperate for anything. 241 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:53,318 No. All right, well, I tried. Okay, cheers. 242 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,438 Oh, sorry about that. 243 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,557 -It's not your lucky day. -No. 244 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,032 -You okay? -Yeah. 245 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,271 MAN: Come on, up you go. 246 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,158 -All right? -Yeah. 247 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,675 I'm back again. 248 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,910 Fourteen years I did here at the BBC. 249 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:30,278 Swap Shop, Cheggers Plays Pop, all sorts. 250 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,550 Still run by Jews and queers, is it? 251 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,029 -It's what? -This place. 252 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,194 Still run by your Jews and queers? 253 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:47,239 I think there are some Jewish people and some gay people, yeah. 254 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,638 Gay! 255 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,076 Yeah, I forgot, you're not meant to say "queer", are you? 256 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,720 Suggests something abnormal. 257 00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:00,958 What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a bloke's arse? 258 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:06,359 And put it this way, if God had wanted a cock up an arse, 259 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,829 he wouldn't have given us minges. 260 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:11,992 Men have knobs, 261 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:14,917 women have fannies. 262 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,995 Pop knob in fanny, 263 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,592 not up the arse. 264 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:25,318 Good. I should be making notes. 265 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,909 -You what? -Nothing. It's... It's all good advice. 266 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,431 -Hi. -Hello again. 267 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,398 -What are you reading? -Oh, just Hello! 268 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,118 Oh, yeah, heat. 269 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,753 -Oh, no, I don't believe it. -What is it? 270 00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:59,115 Just Top 5 Sexiest Film Stars, for God's sake. 271 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,270 -Are you in it? -Number one. 272 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,108 -Stupid. What do they mean, these lists? -Nothing really. 273 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,953 Don't slag them off. It's their opinion. Just... 274 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,669 Oh, no. Look at this woman magazine. 275 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,628 "I'm having an affair with my brother-in-law's ghost"? 276 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:18,474 No, that. Women's Top Ten Fantasy Snogs. Number one again. 277 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,676 What's that thing about the ghost? 278 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,990 "My, um... My husband's brother's ghost visits me at night 279 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:26,993 -"and I think I'm falling in love with him."' -Do they have sex? 280 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,316 Well, it doesn't say. But it doesn't matter, does it? 281 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,914 Look, we were looking at the Number One Fantasy Snog For Women. 282 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,036 Number one, Orlando Bloom. 283 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,233 Oh, better not show this to Johnny Depp. He's only number four. 284 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,515 Really? He'd be my number one. 285 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:44,149 Well, you'd be wrong, wouldn't you? I'm number one, there's the proof. 286 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:46,037 It was the same on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean. 287 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,556 Me and Keira Knightley do a kissing scene, I do a brilliant take, everyone claps, 288 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,949 the director goes, "That was amazing."' 289 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,429 Keira goes, "Oh, can we just do that kissing bit again?" 290 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,193 Well, I know what she's up to. 291 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,475 And I tease her, and I go, "lf you wanna kiss somebody, 292 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:00,993 "why don't you kiss Johnny Depp?" 293 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:05,039 She goes, "Don't make me fucking sick. I'm gonna vomit if you carry on like that."' 294 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,678 Why do you keep talking about Johnny Depp? 295 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,274 I don't keep talking about him. I never talk about him, he's boring. 296 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,476 He's a prat. Where I'm from, he wouldn't last five minutes. 297 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,437 -He'd get a smack straightaway. -Where are you from? 298 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,398 -Haply-on-the-Wold, near Royal Windsor. -Oh. 299 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,598 But they're all subjective, though, those lists, though, aren't they? 300 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,319 Well, no. Obviously, I am objectively really good-looking. 301 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,152 But it's not objective, is it? 302 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,676 Personally, I think you're a wee bit... 303 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,556 What's that? You winding me up? 304 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,108 -Come out for a drink later. -I can't, I'm meeting my friend. 305 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,952 Come out for a coffee with me, you know. Come on. 306 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,508 Just get to know me, get to know the normal me, 307 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,273 take a better look and, you know, see the attractiveness. 308 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,430 But I don't think you are. 309 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,553 Liar. 310 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,075 -Try them on. -Bit wacky, aren't they? 311 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:00,355 Big glasses are funny. 312 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,477 -The real Ray didn't even wear glasses. -Put them on. 313 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,152 -That's funny. Do the catchphrase. -It's not a catchphrase. 314 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,038 -It's something he actually used to say. -Do it. 315 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:15,157 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 316 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,277 -Now the wig. -What about that one? 317 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,397 -It looks ridiculous. -That looks funny. 318 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,789 -He didn't even have curly hair. -Curly is funny. 319 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:28,350 -What do you mean, curly is funny? -Curly hair is funny. 320 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,675 Harpo Marx, Leo Sayer. 321 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,228 I can name you loads of people with curly hair that aren't funny. 322 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,551 Starsky from Starsky and Hutch, Jim Morrison. 323 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,995 -Blacks. -Don't say blacks. 324 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:42,231 -What shall I say? -Say black people. 325 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:46,553 -Okay, black people aren't funny. -Black people are funny, Keith. 326 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,039 Name one black person that's funny. 327 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,839 I can name you loads of black people that are funny. Dave Chappelle, 328 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,388 -Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy. -English. 329 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:58,117 Don't change the rules half way through. 330 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,272 There are loads of funny English black people, too. 331 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:02,515 Who? 332 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:04,954 Um... 333 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:08,112 Um... 334 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,954 MAN OVER RADIO: Paul on two, Paul on two. 335 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,915 -Good news. -Oh, more good news. Excellent. 336 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,310 Right, Eddie Osbourne, electrician. 337 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,393 He split up with his wife a while ago and he's back on the market. 338 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,755 -Lovely guy, just your type. -Really? 339 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,718 Sweet guy. He's a lovely guy. Interested? 340 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:45,189 -Yeah. -Great. Eddie? 341 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,879 Yo! 342 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,313 This is her. 343 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,038 (EXHALING) 344 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:57,595 -No? Oh, never mind. -Not bothered. 345 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,039 I just don't know where you're going wrong. 346 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:06,153 -Right. Kiss me. One kiss, come on. -No. 347 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,800 One kiss, just let me show you how I do it. No tongues if you don't want. 348 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,269 Right. If it's gonna shut you up. 349 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,235 (BLOOM SIGHS) 350 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:22,232 -Well? -Not really my cup of tea. 351 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,798 Sorry about that. 352 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:43,475 You're in this club, this vision walks up. 353 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,674 She says, "Hi, handsome, wanna buy me a drink?" 354 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,194 -What do you say? -I say, "I'm not made of money."' 355 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,077 Oh, you're never gonna get a woman like that. 356 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,549 No, I don't want a woman like that. 357 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,791 Go on, be nice to her, caress her hair. 358 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,995 No, don't pat her, she's not a dog. 359 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,640 She must be a dog if she's going out with him. Oh! 360 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,233 Oh, Mr Stokes. 361 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,316 I'm sorry, um... 362 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,952 -Maybe waggle the glasses? -I'm not sure about the glasses. 363 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,076 Oh, you've got to have the glasses, it's hysterical. 364 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,515 -I don't think so. -It's definitely funnier with the glasses. 365 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,034 -Oh, yeah, it is, I agree. -There's a surprise. 366 00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:27,510 Well, I'm sorry that my presence here as head of comedy irritates you, 367 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,238 but I've been in this business a lot longer than you, 368 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,198 and my opinion will be heard because I'm the man with the money. 369 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,032 -It's not your money, though, is it? -No, 370 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,588 but I'm entrusted to make sure that it's spent correctly. 371 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,717 Oh, we'll make sure it's spent correctly, which is apparently on funny glasses. 372 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,028 I'll just take five, right? 373 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,792 -Yes. -Yeah, all right. 374 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,637 -Oh, do you mind if I take these for later on? -No. 375 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:52,188 Can I just say that I know what you're going through? 376 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,909 My character on East Enders, he started out as an interesting three-dimensional person, 377 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,230 but then over the years the writers turned him into a joke, 378 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:01,392 and that's why I walked away, you know, it wasn't what I wanted to do. 379 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,631 And I know some people look at me now and say I was a fool 380 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:08,872 but I know that I walked away with my integrity and my pride intact. 381 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,350 I just think you've gotta do what you think is right. 382 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,790 -lain, can I have a word? -Yeah, what is it? 383 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:23,919 This isn't the comedy I set out to make, okay? In fact, I think it's awful. 384 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,434 Yeah, well, shall we not do this here, shall we go up to my office... 385 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:29,034 No, I don't care who hears what I've got to say 386 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:32,396 because I'm at that point now. Everyone's interfered, it's embarrassing. 387 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,152 I don't want to get on television for the sake of it. 388 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,755 I don't want to be famous for the sake of it. I want to do something that I'm proud of. 389 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:42,038 And I won't be proud of shouting out catchphrases 390 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,712 in a stupid wig and funny glasses. 391 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:47,156 I wanna do what I wanna do, otherwise I'll hate myself for the rest of my life. 392 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,276 And I tell you what, a case in point. 393 00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:53,114 Shaun, on East Enders, they started to turn his character into a joke 394 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:57,318 and he walked away at the top of his game. That's called integrity. 395 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:01,996 Okay, it doesn't matter what happens to him now 'cause he's got his dignity. 396 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,591 -Shall l... -Leave it. 397 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,678 So basically, I'm not gonna prostitute myself any more, or my work, okay? 398 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:40,435 I'm just sick of people coming along, telling me how they think it should be done 399 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,351 and me just having to bend over and take it up the arse. 400 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:46,718 Ah! Oh, sorry, can we just say no disrespect to either of you as gays? 401 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:49,234 You know, we don't know if you're givers or receivers, 402 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:50,878 very difficult to tell just from looking at you. 403 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,837 Although if I was putting money on it, I'd probably go... 404 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,399 We don't need to put money on it. 405 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,072 (CLEARING THROAT) 406 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,474 You've heard what I've got to say. 407 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,552 Right, well, thank you for telling us how you feel. 408 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:12,593 So here's how I see things going forward. 409 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:15,592 You can either carry on and record this show as we've already planned, 410 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,990 or you can pull the plug, waste everybody's time and hard work, 411 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:21,594 waste the thousands of pounds we've already spent so far, 412 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,831 burn all your bridges with the BBC and you can go back to being an extra 413 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:28,071 and then you can work your way back up again from nothing. 414 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,071 What do you want to do? 415 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:42,152 -Well... -What do you want to do? 416 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:43,753 Sitcom. 417 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:47,674 This can be good. That's what I've been trying to say. 418 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:51,435 This... Finish this off, 'cause it can... 419 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:55,229 I don't wanna let people down. I wanna get on with this. I wanna get this on the telly. 420 00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:57,993 And then in the future, maybe look at doing it the way I wanted to do it. 421 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,310 -Yeah, or not. -Or not, see how it goes. 422 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,356 That's all I wanna... 423 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,390 -Right. Yeah. -Yeah? 424 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:08,713 -Okay. -Good. 425 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:11,189 -Andy? -Yeah? 426 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,236 -Don't forget your... -Glasses. 427 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,632 Right. 428 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,318 -Hi. -Cutting it a bit fine, aren't you? 429 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,118 I know, sorry I'm late. 430 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,077 -Everything all right? -Yeah. 431 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,151 -No first-night nerves? -No, no, no. 432 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:40,755 I actually had to kick a bit of arse earlier 'cause I was getting sick of all this, 433 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,432 -"Is it a good comedy? Is it a bad comedy?" -Yeah. 434 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,080 I just went, "Look, it's a good comedy if it pleases people. 435 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:46,798 "Can we get on with it?" Do you know what I mean? 436 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:48,632 I think comedy should be as broad as possible, 437 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,188 so you take everyone in. I want the whole family to like this. 438 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,350 -I want four-year-olds to like this. -They will. 439 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:56,750 Do you know what I mean? And if it doesn't stand the test of time, so what? 440 00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:01,789 Do something else, but, you know, bring as much joy into the world as you can. 441 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:05,236 -That's all. -Yeah, well, as long as you're happy. 442 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,517 I'm happy if people are happy. 443 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,916 -Are you definitely gonna do this? Yeah? -Yeah. 444 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,992 -You're definitely gonna go on and... -Yes. 445 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:17,115 Yeah. 446 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,395 -Forget it, Barry, he's gonna do it, mate. -Fuck. 447 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,119 I know. I'm as annoyed as you are, man. 448 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:35,749 Bloody hell, Rita, you look terrible. Life as a single mum getting to you? 449 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:40,118 I was up till 2:00 am doing me daughter's science homework. 450 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,670 Did you know that Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin 451 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,320 when he found mould on some old bread he'd left out? 452 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:50,433 Oh, he should look under Gobbler's bed, he'd find a new species. 453 00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,916 He'd find a new species if he looked in Gobbler's bed. 454 00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:00,519 -I don't get it. -You don't get it? 455 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:04,991 I've been without a man so long, I think I'd say yes if Ray asked me out. 456 00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:09,915 -My ears are burning. -Maybe I can last a few more years. 457 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:14,350 Morning, campers. Well, congratulations are in order. 458 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,000 You all successfully clocked in on time this morning, 459 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,674 you just forgot to start bloody work! 460 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,953 Steady on, Mr Stokes, we've been comforting Rita. 461 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,396 She's been up all night trying to get her head round some fella called Alexander. 462 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,199 Oh, lucky beggar. 463 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:34,511 -No one who works here I hope. -No, he's dead. 464 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,349 You cooked for him as well? He he! 465 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,512 Oh, Mr Stokes, will you be nice to her? 466 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,033 (MUMBLING) 467 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:46,954 Well, Rita, I know you've had your problems, but I want you to know this. 468 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:51,431 -The door to my office is always open. -Thank you, Mr Stokes. 469 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:55,752 Yeah, I think it's the bloody hinges. Get off your arse and fix it, will you? 470 00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:00,354 -I haven't got any tools. -You're joking? You've got two right here. 471 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,635 Gobbler's a complete spanner. 472 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,271 I don't get it. 473 00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:09,638 What Mr Stokes has cleverly done, with recourse to a pun, 474 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,269 is take Rita's usage of the word "tool", 475 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:17,273 a device that performs manual or mechanical work, 476 00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:22,912 and transpose its meaning into the vulgar, slang definition of "tool", 477 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,992 meaning the male reproductive appendage. 478 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:30,318 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 479 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,118 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 480 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,231 You're having a laugh! 481 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,038 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 482 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:42,834 He is having a laugh. 483 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:44,678 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 484 00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:59,195 Ooh. You're having a laugh. 485 00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,879 RITA: Oh, I got a letter back from the dating agency. 486 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:10,157 -Yeah, this guy replied, sent me a picture. -My word. 487 00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,515 RITA: Before you ask, it was taken on his allotment, 488 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,989 and, yes, he did win first prize.