Previously on "Weeds"...
They found Esteban's body. You're safe now.
What are you doing? Going to New York to find mom.
You're all going? Yeah. We're going to America.
Go home. There will not be any good photos today.
Come on, Gunder.
I've doubled the sales of your weird flower water.
How's my baby boy?
Annancy!
What did he call me?
"Aunt Nancy."
Hi. I'm Nancy. I'm Zoya's -- I know who you are.
I was hoping we could make a trade.
What do you want? You want money?
I want weed.
Free taste.
Andy: Is that why you were avoiding us all day,
to smoke a bowl with some new crime buddies or...
Did you? What?
Avoid us? Yes.
Where am I going?
Urine sample,
drug test kit, in my office now.
[ Hooves clopping, up-tempo music plays ]
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
Redrum. Redrum. Redrum. Redrum.
It's 8:00 A.M., ladies. Drug class is in session.
Shelby Keene -- wasted 28 years to smack,
did another seven for sale and distribution.
Been where you are.
Heard about you, pretty.
Number. [ Sighs ]
Number! 81426-370.
You like crapping in metal toilets, 370,
in full view of the world?
You like the stench of disinfectant,
the lights on all night?
You miss it?
Not especially.
You piss positive again, that's where you're going --
Right back, full sentence.
Pretty, sit.
Some of you have been away for years.
You're going out to a changed world.
The city's cleaned up, sentence is twice as hard for possession.
Nice old pusher-man in the park
is now a messenger with a beeper and a gun.
Don't nobody use beepers no more, Pocahontas.
That's stone-age shit.
When I used to work for Magic Jim,
you call 1-800-get-magic, and whoop, there it is.
Woman: Nah. The real joint's the witch doctor.
Man's got a Twitter feed and a fuckin' iPhone app.
Beep-bop. He's at your door.
Beeper. Bitch should be wearing a bone in her hair.
Jamaica Bay, Queens?
No. Too far out. Stay on the island.
Easier to get to Washington Heights.
Three-bedrooms are really expensive.
We still have enough money for return tickets.
Maybe we should all go back.
That money's for rent. Here. Come on.
This is what you worked for -- no more flower-water ads.
Big Apple. Get out and take a bite.
Ooh! Bottomless bacon!
Yes!
Off to Wall Street.
Feeling bullish.
Bearish?
Is it for a gay venture-capital firm?
Oh, you're just hatin'
'cause you never knew I had such a fine ass.
Coming with us to see your mother?
Nope. Job interview. All right.
Well, I will send her your regards.
Catch up with you later.
Let's get it done.
[ Door buzzes ]
Three minutes. Clayman's on break.
Hi. [ Door closes ]
So, um, last night? Urine sample?
Any chance you're going back to prison soon?
Counselor Ed pulled strings -- drug class, eight sessions.
W-where's Silas?
He had stuff he had to do.
Yeah, still mad at me.
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
Well, come on. The Lars thing?
Something that, uh,
we should have a family discussion about at some point,
a lifetime of deceit and so forth.
So...
I-I really wanted to tell you --
It was, um, n-nice of you to come.
I'm glad to see you. How's Copenhagen? Is it good?
How did -- I have a girlfriend.
Had.
I sent you pictures.
She's 34...
[ Laughs ]
...Divorced, puppet theater, baby crazy,
a whole sister thing -- Renata "Other shed."
Oddershede. "Ooter shit."
Oddershede is her last name.
We won Best Children's Theater by time out.
Oh, wow. Puppets. Uh, marionette or hand?
Marionettes.
This is Sleipnir, the eight-legged horse,
and this is Berteline,
the sheep princess who danced her husband to death.
And Huginn and Muninn, the gossipy, murderous crows.
Wow. Elaborate.
So, how long you in town for?
We're not -- we're not going back. We're staying.
[ Door buzzes ]
Clayman's back from break soon.
Yes. Okay.
You're gonna live here?
[ Scoffs ] Don't sound so happy.
Oh, no. I'm...
I'm happy.
It's just things are different now -- really different.
I'm not gonna be...
You're grown-ups.
Wow. Retiring from motherhood.
I knew something had to give, but I didn't, uh --
No. Everyone needs to be responsible for themselves.
What do you think we've been doing for the past three years?
Okay.
So, um, what are you gonna do here?
What's your plan? I don't want to hear puppets.
I don't know. I'll get a job.
No. You had three years to play. You're gonna give me four.
You're going to college.
I fucked up your high school. I'm not --
[ Door buzzes ] Time, Botwin.
So...
Okay.
Bye.
Silas "Gun-nerd."
It's "Gun-nard."
Nard. [ Laughs ]
Hylde -- Hylde --
Hyldeblomst.
It's, uh -- it's a drink. Refreshing. [ Chuckles ]
Is this for print work? My agent didn't really explain.
Hi. I'm Maxeen, the artist.
I thought we weren't supposed to talk about this.
In public, Yvonne is Maxeen.
I choose to not participate
in the commodification of my persona.
I have two last names.
One is the product, and one is the real me.
You are perfect for the gig.
Will you do it? One night, 2,000 bucks.
Oh... [ chuckles ]
Man: Up there, sweet party deck.
Over here, Italian steam shower,
sub-zero in the kitchen --
Yeah, big plans.
And then the economy tanked.
Suddenly, my nightclub is a fucking tomb.
No one's ordering bottle service,
no private parties -- no nothing.
Business goes bankrupt.
I tried to unload this place, but nobody's buying.
Double fucked! I give up. White flag.
I am going back upstate and living in my brother's attic
until the market turns.
So what you see is what you get.
I got nothing to put back into it -- zero, as-is.
All repairs, you do yourself.
So exposed wires, no kitchen,
no bathroom wall, and the elevator doesn't work.
Hoop!
Oh, game-played --
Knicks versus Nets, Meadowlands, '88, epic game.
Don't fuck it up.
No, no, no, no! No sofa dunk shots.
I will be back for that eventually.
We'll take it.
Right here, New York shitty!
Oh, Scott is being such a prick!
I don't know why I got back together with him.
Maybe it was for the kids.
Maybe I was having a weak moment.
I didn't think I could do it on my own.
It's good to see you. Is Stevie around?
I would trade places with you most days in a heartbeat --
hitting all the city hot spots,
not having to scrape mud off of everybody's fucking cleats.
Jill. What?
Where the fuck is my coffee?
Stevie -- I'd like to see him now.
I don't have a whole lot of time.
Nancy, are you on acid?
It's 10:15. Stevie's at music class.
I faxed you his monthly schedule.
Look at the fucking fax.
Put it on your fucking refrigerator
like the rest of us do, okay?
First of all, I don't have a fridge.
Second of all, I-I don't have a fax machine,
so wherever you're sending these faxes --
Okay, news flash.
Stevie's at Music Land. Then he's got Spanish class.
Then we have an interview at the Waldorf Kindergarten,
which I'm really nervous about because...
[ Sighs ]
...I lost this crown, and you can totally see it.
I was thinking of just gluing it back myself,
maybe a little rubber cement.
I'm gonna try that.
What was I saying?
Money.
Do you have a job yet?
I'm working on it.
I'll call you back later.
'Cause Waldorf is $400 a week, and Spanish is $180.
Jill, c-can you shut the fuck up just for one second?
Stevie doesn't need any of that crap.
My kids never had any --
And your kids turned out so great, right?
Ándale, ándale. This your girl?
Would be pretty if she fixed her hair.
Take pride in yourself before you lose your woman.
It's my turn. Move.
Hey.
Enough.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Not my fault. Not engaging.
Bitch started it. She get the strike, not me.
Nance, you're gonna be getting some papers from my lawyer.
What papers?
Just for school enrollment, to -- to make it legal.
Make what legal? Custody,
so he can register for school. Can you not hear me?
Custody?!
What is that woman doing behind you?
I have to go glue my tooth. No.
Try to get some sleep. You look really tired.
Jill. Jill.
My God! Jill!
Botwin! My office!
Now!
Are you stupid?
No.
Yes.
[ Sighs ] Why?
You've been here 48 hours, and already,
you've tested positive for drugs,
you have two complaints on file from your roommate,
and now you earned an infraction for fighting.
And our dear, dim Counselor Ed
barely gave you a slap on the wrist.
Drunk! The man is a drunk and should be fired!
You tell me why I shouldn't sign this right now
and send you back to prison.
Oh, well, I think I'm just having trouble transitioning.
Oh, save it.
Don't! Stop!
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I just found out my asshole sister
is applying for custody of my son.
She's doing it --
I read your file. I know your story.
Where's your son's father?
He's dead.
Found...two weeks ago.
"Found" is what they said. I suspect he was stabbed.
He's a Taurus.
Was.
Really stubborn, defiant,
probably didn't make so many friends.
He was always a little too macho, you know?
Like he was trying to prove something.
And you never can tell with people,
what they're really thinking.
I took this diet coke from the staff fridge.
I realized just now someone wrote "Eleanor" on it.
Will you tell Eleanor I'll replace it today?
Please don't write it down in my file.
The instant coffee thing is -- it's killing me.
Sign me out.
I need to go to California and -- and get my son.
I haven't touched him since he was a-a baby.
He talks now. He looks just like his father.
It's so we--
[ Sniffles ]
...weird.
She dresses him in these stupid outfits.
I knew she'd do that. Of course she would.
Please.
Nancy, you are still under the authority
of the Federal Bureau of Prisons,
serving out your sentence.
Then how do I get out of here?
Permanently. Back into society.
You get a job, accrue savings,
establish a residence, demonstrate family support,
become a real person.
I can be a real person. I can.
I've been one before. It was good.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
You are on 48-hour probation.
Goal one -- employment.
You are scheduled for one job interview today,
but I'm gonna sign you out for four hours
so that you can apply at every "help wanted" sign you see.
You will call me before and after every interview.
Phone.
If you can't get a job, you'll be assigned one in the house,
which means you don't leave.
Understood?
Understood.
How, kemosabe.
Joke!
Sorry. Joke.
Plight of the native Americans --
no laughing matter.
Of course.
Thank you.
Bye.
Doug-inator! [ Laughs ]
It is so good to see you, brother.
Wow. I told the guys you were coming. They're expecting you.
What -- Look at what you're wearing.
You're the king! Aah.
Is this jacket orange chenille?
And -- and the shoes. You're like a fucking elf prince.
Doug Wilson, everybody. Doug Wilson.
[ Laughs ] These are just the kids.
Come on. Come on back. I want you to meet the boys.
Gentlemen.
Is this the one?
The man, the myth, the machine --
"Rocket Man", Doug Wilson, pride of the alphas.
Sweet.
Greg Hillegas. Heard many things.
Rick Levine. Jesus.
Never thought I'd get to meet Rocket Doug.
Hey, you want to see your office?
My what?
Why do you think we got you down here, man?
You're fresh on American soil.
We're gonna snap you up before the competition does.
Hey, you still keeping up with those softball skills, right?
Yeah. How's the old Rocket doing?
'Cause our team blows chunks.
You know, I played in Europe for a while there with the Czechs.
Excellent. Excellent. We need to crush those Bridgewater dickheads.
Hey. Take a look at this.
Whoa! [ Laughs ]
You on the chrome demon, right before you jumped that gorge.
Wow. You got one of these in every office here?
[ Laughter ]
This is awesome. This is...
Seriously, man, what's going on?
We need an accountant. The old guy bailed last Friday.
He couldn't hit worth shit anyway.
Listen, we were gonna head-hunt, but no need.
The Rocket's here. It's kismet, brother.
Like out of a dream, you appeared.
You know, I'm not even certified in New York.
Aah, Rick will handle that.
Listen, we need you -- on the field and in the boardroom.
Come on. Tell me you're in.
Well, you know, like we said in college,
if there's grass on the field...
Play ball! Play ball!
Fuckin' "A"!
Right on. Welcome. Yeah. Yeah.
Welcome, man.
Wow. Collar. Large.
You live on a cobblestone street.
Your elevator's broken.
This dress smells of sweat and Jean Naté.
I have a case manager
who's going to send me back to prison if I don't get a job,
and Jill's filing for custody of Stevie.
Bathroom.
Bathroom. Corner.
Why would I expect walls?
Turn around.
Um... [Clears throat]
Doesn't Jill kind of already have custody?
It was temporary -- while I was gone.
Now I'm back.
[ Chuckles ]
I can't even pee.
Calm down. Relax. Just urinate.
She won't get custody.
They never take it away from the mother
unless there's good reason.
Contents...
of bag that rattles when set down?
Oh, explosives.
Easily detonate-able, or...
Of course not.
There's a pin.
You pull it, and then you throw it.
Or maybe you don't have to throw it at all.
I have no idea. Anyway, there's definitely a pin.
Unless one came loose on the train.
I did get shoved a couple of times
by an enormous Indian woman in a yellow sari
with a down jacket over it --
Middle of summer.
Where are my children?
Oh, mellow out.
It's old war stuff for a collector.
I'm selling it for a friend.
I like your new place.
So, what?
War collectibles are your new trade?
Drug class was good for something.
Find out if any of these dealers are still around,
especially the one with the messenger.
Order from them if you can.
Take notes. I need to know what's out there.
Learned nothing from three years behind bars?
Try again, fail better.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Got to go. Electronic leash.
Bag. Take your bag with you.
I'll come back and get it later.
Yes, please, leave your hand grenades here.
No land mines you'd like me to babysit, too?
[ Sighs ] It's not gonna go off.
It hasn't yet.
[ Ringing continues ]
Hi, Shelby --
Sorry, Mrs. Keene. Yeah. I was in a ladies' room.
[ Sighs ]
No transcripts,
no test scores,
no recommendations.
Where did you graduate high school?
I was home-schooled.
Yeah.
Look, I'm afraid without any records, I can't help.
Are you an in-state resident?
I just moved here from Denmark.
Denmark?
Oh.
Entirely different ballgame.
We here at City College
welcome international students with arms open wide.
Do you, uh, carry a Danish passport?
Icelandic.
Icelandic! Even better.
[ Laughs ] We are nowhere near our Icelandic quota.
Now, as you can see,
tuition is considerably higher for international students,
but most find that an American education
is well worth the expense.
We do not offer scholarships.
However, student loans are made readily available
at many banks.
Applications here.
Perhaps your home country has a grant program.
My home country's California.
Stick with Iceland.
No other way you're getting in here.
Minimum wage -- I like to give you girls a break, huh?
What?
Applying at Castle Hill Bank, too?
I'm going everywhere -- see who can give me the best deal.
Let me see what I can do.
[ Door opens ]
How'd it go, chief?
That good?
[ Sighs ]
What happened with the research?
Well...
First, Magic Jim --
He dismantled his messenger service years ago
and went to Tobago, which I think is in the Caribbean,
where he now owns a Margaritaville franchise.
Evidently, he's never been happier.
New guy who took over does not have the same pride.
That's according to Hugo,
who's the delivery guy who's worked with both of them --
No selection, high prices.
Witch doctor franchise -- closed.
However, Hugo did give me a lead to its proprietor --
Ivory Fong, a Chinese-Jamaican who has no messengers anymore
but grows one strain -- seedy, but cheaper.
We smoked together. [ Laughs ]
Ends up, years ago, he used to play water polo for Nebraska.
Isn't that wild? You got to meet this guy.
On second thought, no. It's best that you don't.
Hey, do you, uh, have any food with you?
Like, something salty?
So, in other words, there's a hole in the market.
Chips or nuts or...
[ Sighs ] Where's the bag?
Bag?
Oh, your big bang boom. Out on the roof.
What?
I'm hungry.
There's a deli downstairs. Get off your ass.
I'll get off my ass as soon as I can stand.
Oh, there will probably be food at that Silas thing.
What Silas thing?
The job gallery thing.
Tell him I said hi.
Will do. Good luck with your explosives.
And your date -- I assume you're going on a date.
There's a spare key on the nail.
Yep. That's it.
I'm glad you're out of prison.
Thank you.
And for you.
Nice. [ Chuckles ]
Are you happy?
Uh...
Partially.
Only partially.
I could be happier.
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Zipper unzips ]
Hi, Mrs. Keene.
No, I'm standing in the l--
the lobby of, um, a telemarketing place.
So...
There's, um, uh...
One, two, three, four people
ahead of me waiting to be interviewed.
Mm. Mm.
He says he's gonna try to get to me today.
At least that's what he said.
Ohh.
Oh, Zoya.
Oh, oh, um, Demetri.
No, I'm, um, I'm --
No, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm gonna stay here as long as it takes.
♪ Well, the devil's got your boyfriend ♪
♪ he's got the one who said he'd always love you ♪
♪ he's got your boy, and he'll never let go ♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Techno music plays, applause ]
Silas!
Hey.
[ Laughs ]
Hey.
[ Applause ] Hey, someone...
Somebody...
He can't breathe.
Can't breathe.
Hey!
He can't breathe. Get him out.
Fuck.
[ Coughs ]
[ Applause ]
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Who are you?
Can you believe -- What the hell was that?
These people should be sued.
What is your name? Andrew. Andrew Botwin.
All right, he's -- he's good over there.
What kind of asinine --
You acted. No one ever acts.
Yeah, well, of course I acted. Anybody would act.
No. This piece has been performed all over the world.
You're -- you're amazing.
I -- yeah?
Yeah.
What the hell happened?
You were never in any danger.
I can re-inflate.
So that was supposed to happen?
Your point was to humiliate me?
You think I am some he-doll meat puppet
who will take any crap you dish out because you're "the artist"?
I am a person, and I'm not okay with your lying
and your withholding and your fucking attitude.
Whoa. Whoa.
Disproportionate response, brother.
Innocent mistake.
I can re-inflate.
She can re-inflate. No.
I want to put my clothes on, and I-I want to get paid.
You're not meat to me.
I'm getting a cab to the loft. Are you coming?
No, no.
You are the man who stepped up.
I want to feed you and probe your higher self.
Are you hungry? Do you want to get something to eat?
I have a car service outside.
Silas, please come, too.
I'm out of here.
All right. I'll catch up with you later.
I'm gonna... get my higher self probed.
You know how it is.
Silas: What's inside the radio?
You wouldn't hide it if it was just a radio.
I know you.
And I know my pants.
You look good.
Older.
More like --
More like my father?
More like my father, I was gonna say.
Hm.
I'd like the jeans back now. They were expensive.
Um...okay.
Let me wash them first.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Hi. Who's this?
Hi, Mrs. Keene. I'm --
Yeah, I'm just leaving an interview.
Can I call you in two minutes?
Thanks.
Can't wait to meet your new friends.
So, why did you split?
'Cause you saw us, and you split.
[ Chuckles ]
And don't lie.
I wasn't ready.
Please. Nancy Botwin was born ready.
What's your, uh...plan?
There's no plan, Silas.
You want that weed to be here when you come back?
I can't bring it back to the halfway house with me.
No, y-you can't.
Yet you take a real chance leaving it here.
Someone might sell it out from under you,
someone with experience,
someone born and raised... for the job.
Silas.
Nancy.
Half of that stash is now mine.
I'll cut you in on the profit. I'll be fair.
[ Chuckling ] Unlike you.
[ Cellphone rings ]
I have to get that.
Deal?
Okay. Deal.
Yeah, hi.
I'm just -- I'm just heading to the bus stop right now.
Just heading to the bus stop.
It's gonna take me --
Take a cab.
Yeah.
Sync & corrected by honeybunny