1 00:00:02,358 --> 00:00:03,586 Previously on Weeds: 2 00:00:03,759 --> 00:00:05,920 For my cover business, what about a bakery? 3 00:00:06,095 --> 00:00:07,858 These will satisfy your munchies... 4 00:00:08,030 --> 00:00:10,396 ...and give you a long-lasting, all-body high. 5 00:00:10,566 --> 00:00:13,091 -I'm ready to take orders. -Fuck it. I'll take it all. 6 00:00:13,269 --> 00:00:16,796 Last week's buy, this week's buy, my ring, my Rover. 7 00:00:16,973 --> 00:00:19,237 You still short for all the shit you gonna wanna take this week. 8 00:00:19,408 --> 00:00:21,808 -I'll be back. -I don't like dealing with things. 9 00:00:21,978 --> 00:00:24,378 I'd much prefer to pretend they don't exist. 10 00:00:24,547 --> 00:00:27,243 Megan. Hey, Megan. Megan. 11 00:00:27,416 --> 00:00:29,976 -Can you hear me? -That deaf girl down on Dewey Street. 12 00:02:12,488 --> 00:02:15,321 Fire! Fire! Mom, what are you doing? There's a fire! 13 00:02:15,491 --> 00:02:17,823 If there's a fire, I'll run, okay? 14 00:02:17,993 --> 00:02:22,396 Otherwise, I'm gonna bash in the smoke alarm with a broom handle. 15 00:02:27,036 --> 00:02:28,731 -Andy? -Sorry, Pants. 16 00:02:28,904 --> 00:02:31,634 -I was trying to surprise you guys. -Uncle Andy! 17 00:02:31,807 --> 00:02:34,105 Hey, guys. 18 00:02:34,410 --> 00:02:36,901 Yes. I'm digging the love. 19 00:02:37,079 --> 00:02:39,547 -Oh, I missed you. -So how was Alaska? 20 00:02:39,715 --> 00:02:44,345 Alaska was so beautiful. In the summer, you could party all night. 21 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,956 Then it got dark, and this psycho girl tried to bring me up on charges-- 22 00:02:48,124 --> 00:02:50,820 -How did you get in here? -I swear I'll pay for the window. 23 00:02:50,993 --> 00:02:52,460 I didn't wanna wake you. 24 00:02:52,628 --> 00:02:56,394 I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. 25 00:02:56,632 --> 00:03:00,159 Hey, you guys wanna help me make breakfast? Silas, squeeze the oranges. 26 00:03:00,336 --> 00:03:02,099 Shane, I need you making the coffee. 27 00:03:02,271 --> 00:03:05,138 Sorry about the grease fire. That bacon really spits up, huh? 28 00:03:05,307 --> 00:03:08,470 Shane, go get a broom so I can bash your Uncle Andy with it. 29 00:03:08,644 --> 00:03:10,737 Come on, Nancy Pantsy. 30 00:03:10,913 --> 00:03:13,438 -Making eggs Florentine. -Don't call me "Pants." 31 00:03:14,617 --> 00:03:16,141 Oh, shit. You? 32 00:03:16,318 --> 00:03:19,549 Hey, Lupita. I know you missed me. How about a hug? 33 00:03:20,322 --> 00:03:24,224 -I'm not cleaning up his mess. -Uncle Andy, did you bring us anything? 34 00:03:24,393 --> 00:03:26,156 Of course. Look who you're talking to. 35 00:03:26,328 --> 00:03:29,229 Get my duffel in the guestroom. The black one, not the green. 36 00:03:29,398 --> 00:03:31,628 -Stay out of the green. -Guestroom. Guestroom. 37 00:03:32,668 --> 00:03:34,260 I guess I could sleep with Lupita. 38 00:03:34,437 --> 00:03:37,497 I do love the fiery Latinas. 39 00:03:38,407 --> 00:03:40,967 Know this, Lupita. Until you learn to love me... 40 00:03:41,844 --> 00:03:43,744 ...I got enough love for both of us. 41 00:03:43,913 --> 00:03:47,144 How did you and Judah emerge from the same woman? 42 00:03:47,316 --> 00:03:51,150 I know. What family gets blessed with not one, but two studs? 43 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,517 Okay, everybody gather. First... 44 00:03:54,690 --> 00:03:57,420 ...young Silas, that's for you. 45 00:03:57,593 --> 00:04:00,892 -Awesome. So does it work? -Yeah, for another three weeks. 46 00:04:01,063 --> 00:04:04,624 Then you're gonna scratch off the serial number and get a new service plan. 47 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,199 Okay, for Mama.... 48 00:04:09,638 --> 00:04:11,367 What's that? 49 00:04:11,841 --> 00:04:14,708 -For your neck. You're always talking-- -Andy, this is-- 50 00:04:14,877 --> 00:04:16,674 Take it. 51 00:04:18,314 --> 00:04:21,249 For my neck. Of course, thank you. 52 00:04:21,417 --> 00:04:22,748 Lupita. 53 00:04:22,918 --> 00:04:25,546 I'll put it in your bedroom, next to the little one. 54 00:04:25,721 --> 00:04:27,211 What about me? 55 00:04:27,389 --> 00:04:29,323 Oh, I don't.... 56 00:04:30,993 --> 00:04:32,585 -Best for last. -No way! 57 00:04:32,761 --> 00:04:35,321 -No. No way. -Come on, I'll teach him how to use them. 58 00:04:35,498 --> 00:04:37,261 Okay, Shane. Hand them over. Andy! 59 00:04:37,433 --> 00:04:40,334 I'm gonna hold onto those till we're in a better space. 60 00:04:40,503 --> 00:04:43,199 Who's hungry? Everybody go sit down. 61 00:04:50,045 --> 00:04:51,842 Andy? 62 00:04:52,481 --> 00:04:55,746 -How long you planning on staying? -Don't worry, I'll help out. 63 00:04:55,918 --> 00:04:57,613 How long? 64 00:04:57,786 --> 00:05:00,186 Just till I figure some things out. 65 00:05:00,356 --> 00:05:02,756 -Like? -I don't know. 66 00:05:02,925 --> 00:05:05,792 -My life. -Sure. 67 00:05:05,961 --> 00:05:07,189 That. 68 00:05:09,498 --> 00:05:13,366 Good to see you, Pants. It's good to be with family. 69 00:05:13,536 --> 00:05:15,436 Come on, let's eat. 70 00:05:16,539 --> 00:05:18,632 Hey, buddy, what you doing? 71 00:05:18,807 --> 00:05:20,707 Just lM'ing my girlfriend. 72 00:05:20,876 --> 00:05:23,106 You don't need a credit card for that, do you? 73 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:25,770 No. Real girlfriend. 74 00:05:25,948 --> 00:05:27,779 Megan. She's deaf. 75 00:05:28,384 --> 00:05:31,080 Deaf Megan. She cute? 76 00:05:31,253 --> 00:05:34,086 Yeah. She's totally cute. 77 00:05:36,091 --> 00:05:37,922 Oh, yeah. 78 00:05:38,093 --> 00:05:40,288 She doesn't look deaf. She can't hear anything? 79 00:05:40,462 --> 00:05:42,123 That's what "deaf" means. 80 00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:45,563 Man, how did you get so smart at, what, 16? 81 00:05:45,734 --> 00:05:49,534 It took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go. 82 00:05:49,705 --> 00:05:52,105 I once went out with this girl with a baby arm. 83 00:05:52,274 --> 00:05:54,139 Insane in the sack. 84 00:05:54,743 --> 00:05:58,873 Plus, when she grabbed my dick with her little hand, it looked gigantic. 85 00:05:59,415 --> 00:06:03,283 -So how do you talk to her? -We just mostly hang out and stuff. 86 00:06:03,452 --> 00:06:06,046 -You should learn Braille. -You mean sign language? 87 00:06:06,221 --> 00:06:08,416 -Whatever. -What's this? 88 00:06:08,591 --> 00:06:12,049 -That's mine. -"Chris died for your sins." 89 00:06:12,227 --> 00:06:13,888 -ls that a joke? -Yeah, on me. 90 00:06:14,063 --> 00:06:16,497 That's what happens when you outsource to Malaysia. 91 00:06:16,665 --> 00:06:19,293 Eight-year-olds in the sweatshop can't spell for shit. 92 00:06:19,468 --> 00:06:22,665 See, I was trying to jump on board the whole red-state Jesus thing. 93 00:06:22,838 --> 00:06:26,171 The fashion of the Christ. I end up with 3000 of these. 94 00:06:26,342 --> 00:06:29,743 Totally useless. If there's one thing I learned about the Christ crowd... 95 00:06:30,746 --> 00:06:34,876 ...absolutely no sense of humor. Should've gone after the Jew market. 96 00:06:35,050 --> 00:06:36,347 At least we can take a joke. 97 00:06:37,252 --> 00:06:39,152 Come on, Shane. 98 00:06:43,892 --> 00:06:45,416 Look who's here. 99 00:06:45,594 --> 00:06:49,428 Baby, it's "the early bird gets the worm," not the weed. 100 00:06:49,598 --> 00:06:51,566 You need to read up on your Bartlett's. 101 00:06:51,734 --> 00:06:55,966 My brother-in-law took the kids to school. I thought I'd get a jump on the day. 102 00:06:56,138 --> 00:06:58,663 -You want some oatmeal? -No. 103 00:06:58,841 --> 00:07:02,208 -Andy made eggs Florentine. -Andy? 104 00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:04,869 When did that fancy-cooking trouble get back in town? 105 00:07:05,047 --> 00:07:08,881 This morning, I woke up and there he was. 106 00:07:09,051 --> 00:07:12,509 Sort of like crotch crabs, only not as treatable, huh? 107 00:07:12,688 --> 00:07:15,282 -I forgot you knew him. -Been hoping to forget him. 108 00:07:16,058 --> 00:07:17,491 How did Andy and Conrad meet? 109 00:07:17,660 --> 00:07:20,060 I never got a straight answer out of either of them. 110 00:07:20,229 --> 00:07:23,323 They worked at Circuit City together. Got caught stealing together. 111 00:07:23,499 --> 00:07:26,195 Got fired together. They go way back. 112 00:07:26,368 --> 00:07:29,963 -Never should've let that boy work retail. -You gonna need to come back later. 113 00:07:30,139 --> 00:07:33,905 -We ain't got in everything you ordered. -I got 1 7 food orders to fill. 114 00:07:34,076 --> 00:07:36,203 Listen to Betty Cracker. 115 00:07:36,378 --> 00:07:39,870 You got bunches of that crap last time. You out already? 116 00:07:40,049 --> 00:07:42,381 I've got some. Not enough for what I need to make. 117 00:07:42,551 --> 00:07:44,451 My crowd loves to eat their smoke. 118 00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:47,817 Well, I could hook you up with a little shwag if you really crazy. 119 00:07:47,990 --> 00:07:49,582 Oh, shit. 120 00:07:49,758 --> 00:07:51,988 I've still got the gourmet fuckup in my kitchen. 121 00:07:52,161 --> 00:07:56,791 I'm never gonna get anything done. Oh, fuck. I'm fucked. 122 00:07:56,965 --> 00:08:00,492 You've got a nasty mouth when you stressed. 123 00:08:00,669 --> 00:08:02,364 -You got a pen? -Yeah. 124 00:08:02,938 --> 00:08:06,999 I'm gonna give you a number, and you say I said it was okay for you to call. 125 00:08:07,309 --> 00:08:08,571 Who am I calling? 126 00:08:10,479 --> 00:08:12,379 The Candyman. 127 00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:15,041 Wear sporty shoes. 128 00:08:32,935 --> 00:08:36,132 "Megan89. Are you home?" 129 00:08:38,340 --> 00:08:39,967 Yeah. 130 00:08:40,142 --> 00:08:42,337 "Me too. Sore throat." 131 00:08:42,511 --> 00:08:44,411 Bummer. 132 00:08:44,580 --> 00:08:46,275 What are you wearing? 133 00:08:48,350 --> 00:08:50,477 Take it off. "Okay." 134 00:08:55,124 --> 00:08:58,651 I tried to spread the word. I eat here every day, invited people. 135 00:08:58,827 --> 00:09:01,853 "Oh, it's too ethnic." "Oh, it's too spicy." 136 00:09:02,030 --> 00:09:04,055 "Oh, those people don't wash their hands." 137 00:09:04,233 --> 00:09:06,497 What the fuck is wrong with these morons who go... 138 00:09:06,668 --> 00:09:10,502 ...to wait an hour in line at some fucking crappy Olive Garden... 139 00:09:10,672 --> 00:09:14,073 ...and let a treasure like this go out of business? I can't take it. 140 00:09:14,243 --> 00:09:16,438 Doug, why are we here? 141 00:09:16,912 --> 00:09:18,777 Did you taste the saag aloo? 142 00:09:18,947 --> 00:09:22,314 It's to die for, and then be reincarnated, and then die for again. 143 00:09:22,484 --> 00:09:24,975 -Why aren't you eating? -I told you I ate already. 144 00:09:25,154 --> 00:09:26,883 -Where? -The Olive Garden. 145 00:09:27,055 --> 00:09:29,114 I wouldn't take a dump in the Olive Garden. 146 00:09:29,291 --> 00:09:31,122 I like the hot artichoke-spinach dip. 147 00:09:31,693 --> 00:09:33,923 -I can't even look at you. -Okay, enough, enough. 148 00:09:34,096 --> 00:09:37,156 I'm sure the saag aloo is delicious. 149 00:09:38,066 --> 00:09:39,499 Wow, that's incredible. 150 00:09:39,668 --> 00:09:42,102 Tell me this doesn't kick your artichoke dip's ass. 151 00:09:43,505 --> 00:09:48,306 Tell me more. Are your nipples hard? 152 00:09:48,877 --> 00:09:52,677 Come on. "Like shooting stars. 153 00:09:53,849 --> 00:09:56,682 Now you." No, more you. 154 00:09:56,852 --> 00:09:58,786 Are you touching yourself? 155 00:10:01,790 --> 00:10:04,987 "I'm parting the lips of my blushing vagina." 156 00:10:05,427 --> 00:10:07,054 Yes. Good. 157 00:10:13,202 --> 00:10:17,070 Keep typing. 158 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,638 What do you think about this place as the bakery? 159 00:10:21,043 --> 00:10:24,535 I mean, location's pretty good, kitchen's already set up. 160 00:10:24,713 --> 00:10:29,013 If you make something mediocre enough, you may even make a go at it legitimately. 161 00:10:29,184 --> 00:10:32,915 -Let me think about it. -There we go, Mr. Wilson. 162 00:10:33,322 --> 00:10:35,017 Twenty orders for you. 163 00:10:35,190 --> 00:10:38,887 Remember to let them cool before you put them in the freezer. 164 00:10:39,061 --> 00:10:40,790 Mr. Advani, where will you go? 165 00:10:40,963 --> 00:10:44,729 Oh, we just bought an Olive Garden franchise close by. 166 00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:47,391 -You must come visit. -Fuck Agrestic. 167 00:10:47,569 --> 00:10:49,264 Yes, sir. Okay. 168 00:10:50,439 --> 00:10:52,236 Pay when you're ready. 169 00:10:52,407 --> 00:10:55,535 -When are my treats coming in? -I'm having a little trouble... 170 00:10:55,711 --> 00:10:58,544 ...getting my kitchen to myself lately, but I'll let you know. 171 00:11:16,465 --> 00:11:18,456 Hey, Lupita, I was just thinking about you. 172 00:11:20,369 --> 00:11:21,597 It's for you. 173 00:11:25,107 --> 00:11:26,802 Wipe your hands. 174 00:11:35,517 --> 00:11:37,280 Yeah, this is Andy. 175 00:11:37,452 --> 00:11:40,353 Hey, Shane. 176 00:11:40,522 --> 00:11:42,149 Really? 177 00:11:42,324 --> 00:11:44,349 Awesome. 178 00:11:44,526 --> 00:11:47,324 Yeah. I'll bring the shirts. 179 00:11:47,496 --> 00:11:49,293 Let's say 15 minutes. 180 00:11:49,464 --> 00:11:53,264 Okay. Bye-- Hey, make it 20. Okay. 181 00:11:53,435 --> 00:11:58,168 Hey, get your original "Chris died" T-shirts right here. Yeah. 182 00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:00,638 Only 10 dollars. Have your money ready. 183 00:12:00,809 --> 00:12:03,573 There you go. One size fits all. It's gonna shrink a little. 184 00:12:03,745 --> 00:12:05,337 Oh, yeah. 185 00:12:05,514 --> 00:12:08,779 -Okay, that's for you. -Uncle Andy? 186 00:12:08,951 --> 00:12:10,680 What, what, what? Hang on. 187 00:12:10,852 --> 00:12:13,218 Now, remember, kids, Chris loves you, so-- 188 00:12:13,388 --> 00:12:15,356 -What? What? -It's the principal. 189 00:12:17,092 --> 00:12:18,821 Oh, shit, man. We're just heating up. 190 00:12:20,028 --> 00:12:22,326 -Excuse me. -Look, kids, Chris is risen. 191 00:12:22,965 --> 00:12:25,991 What--? What--? Wait. 192 00:12:31,873 --> 00:12:33,534 Oh, no. 193 00:12:33,942 --> 00:12:37,639 Have you all seen these? They are all over the school. 194 00:12:41,783 --> 00:12:46,015 And as a Christian, I must say I am deeply, deeply offended. It's profane. 195 00:12:46,188 --> 00:12:48,520 Has anyone talked to the principal about this? 196 00:12:48,690 --> 00:12:50,351 -Who's Chris? -Where's Celia? 197 00:12:50,525 --> 00:12:53,289 -I bet she'd have something to say. -It's 1 0 minutes after. 198 00:12:53,462 --> 00:12:56,124 -Maybe we should start without her. -Does anyone know how? 199 00:12:56,298 --> 00:13:00,029 Well, I think we need to. The first order of business should be these shirts. 200 00:13:00,202 --> 00:13:02,466 -They're funny. -Excuse me? 201 00:13:03,271 --> 00:13:06,104 I think you're making way too big a deal about it. 202 00:13:06,274 --> 00:13:07,502 It's a joke. 203 00:13:07,676 --> 00:13:10,907 Oh, we do not joke about our Lord Jesus Christ. 204 00:13:13,548 --> 00:13:16,711 It's a stupid T-shirt. 205 00:13:17,085 --> 00:13:20,851 -We should ignore it. -Only one man died for my sins, Nancy. 206 00:13:21,023 --> 00:13:23,821 -And his name wasn't Chris. -Well, it sort of was, wasn't it? 207 00:13:23,992 --> 00:13:25,220 Like a nickname? 208 00:13:25,394 --> 00:13:29,091 If we make a big deal about it, in a week it'll become a full-blown trend. 209 00:13:29,264 --> 00:13:31,858 -They're kids, it'll become cool. -Principle Dodge. 210 00:13:32,034 --> 00:13:34,730 -Have you seen these blasphemies? -Yes, Maggie, I have. 211 00:13:34,903 --> 00:13:37,531 -Are you doing something about them? -I'm about to. 212 00:13:37,873 --> 00:13:41,832 Mrs. Botwin, would you mind coming into my office to discuss your son's business? 213 00:13:42,277 --> 00:13:44,302 -Shane was selling them? -Yes. 214 00:13:44,479 --> 00:13:47,448 With some guy in a van who sped off. 215 00:13:47,616 --> 00:13:49,083 I'll never talk. 216 00:13:50,185 --> 00:13:52,016 Hey. 217 00:13:52,187 --> 00:13:53,950 Hey, what do you like better? 218 00:13:54,122 --> 00:13:57,353 "Jesus say relax," or, "I'm too sexy for my Lord"? 219 00:13:57,526 --> 00:13:59,858 How about, "Asshole ditched my 1 0-year-old"? 220 00:14:01,096 --> 00:14:03,189 I admit it, I panicked. The guy had a whistle. 221 00:14:04,433 --> 00:14:05,798 They wanted to suspend him. 222 00:14:06,068 --> 00:14:10,402 For what? If Shane wants to believe in Chris, and they try to suspend him for it... 223 00:14:10,572 --> 00:14:13,939 ...whoa, that's freedom of religion. That's, like, the First Commandment. 224 00:14:14,109 --> 00:14:17,078 -We could nail them on that. -I don't think Chris is protected... 225 00:14:17,245 --> 00:14:19,338 ...under freedom of religion, Andy. 226 00:14:19,514 --> 00:14:22,847 In fact, the angry Christian moms I heard from in the PTA... 227 00:14:23,018 --> 00:14:24,747 ...were pretty offended by it. 228 00:14:25,287 --> 00:14:27,278 Well, that's so intolerant. 229 00:14:27,456 --> 00:14:29,822 I mean, what would Jesus do? 230 00:14:30,692 --> 00:14:35,254 Religious bullshit aside, you don't wanna know how far... 231 00:14:35,430 --> 00:14:39,264 ...I had to crawl up the principal's ass just to keep you two out of trouble. 232 00:14:39,434 --> 00:14:44,531 Not to mention the unbelievable amount of shit I'm gonna get... 233 00:14:44,706 --> 00:14:48,164 ...from those hypo-Christian bitch moms tomorrow. 234 00:14:48,343 --> 00:14:52,336 Hey, I was just trying to pitch in. 235 00:14:52,747 --> 00:14:56,513 Earn a little money. I saw an opportunity to help the family and I took it. 236 00:14:56,685 --> 00:14:59,882 Really? It was for the family, huh? 237 00:15:00,188 --> 00:15:01,917 Where's the money? 238 00:15:02,824 --> 00:15:05,190 Don't worry, I'll use it towards family expenses. 239 00:15:06,061 --> 00:15:07,653 -Hello? -I gotta cover my overhead. 240 00:15:07,829 --> 00:15:09,990 Yeah, I did call. Thanks for getting back to me. 241 00:15:10,165 --> 00:15:12,531 Can you hold on a second, please? 242 00:15:12,701 --> 00:15:14,794 Go away. I have to take this call. 243 00:15:14,970 --> 00:15:17,370 -Who is it? -None of your business. Get out of here. 244 00:15:17,539 --> 00:15:19,769 Why, you got a boyfriend? Isn't it a little soon? 245 00:15:19,941 --> 00:15:22,774 Maybe I should take my vibrator back. Fine, angry! 246 00:15:22,944 --> 00:15:25,242 God! Keep the vibrator. 247 00:15:27,315 --> 00:15:31,445 Thanks for getting back to me, Candyman. 248 00:15:43,131 --> 00:15:45,565 -You're the Candyman? -Yes. 249 00:15:45,734 --> 00:15:48,168 -You getting any exercise? -Excuse me? 250 00:15:48,336 --> 00:15:52,295 If you're not committed to personal fitness, I can't in good conscience sell to you. 251 00:15:52,474 --> 00:15:54,874 I wouldn't say Heylia's in the best shape. 252 00:15:55,043 --> 00:15:56,738 Heylia's a lazy fat-fat. 253 00:15:56,912 --> 00:16:00,780 I'm hoping to put her into a diabetic coma, so I have no problem selling to her. 254 00:16:00,949 --> 00:16:02,780 -Why? -Scare her. 255 00:16:02,951 --> 00:16:05,920 Some people never learn until their life is on the line. 256 00:16:10,659 --> 00:16:12,957 -Know what you are? -What am l? 257 00:16:13,128 --> 00:16:16,359 Skinny fat. What are we gonna do about that? 258 00:16:16,531 --> 00:16:20,797 -We're gonna start exercising right away. -Don't humor me. I'm very serious. 259 00:16:20,969 --> 00:16:23,904 I used to weight 31 4 pounds. 260 00:16:25,607 --> 00:16:29,373 -Congratulations. -The key? Exercise. 261 00:16:29,544 --> 00:16:32,035 You know, I'm not buying for personal use. 262 00:16:32,214 --> 00:16:35,274 Are your customers just a bunch of Fatty McFat-Fats? 263 00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:37,877 Well, they're smokers. 264 00:16:38,053 --> 00:16:41,819 But it stands to reason that if they eat rather than smoke... 265 00:16:41,990 --> 00:16:46,393 ...they should be able to breathe easier, should they decide to exercise. 266 00:16:46,561 --> 00:16:50,088 That's a reasonable assumption. I hope you'll take it upon yourself... 267 00:16:50,265 --> 00:16:52,256 -...to encourage them to do so. -Of course. 268 00:16:52,434 --> 00:16:54,902 -And I'll take everything you've got. -Really? 269 00:16:55,070 --> 00:16:57,197 -Yeah. -And? 270 00:16:57,372 --> 00:17:00,068 And I will make a greater effort to exercise. 271 00:17:00,242 --> 00:17:01,709 No, no, no. 272 00:17:02,611 --> 00:17:06,206 -And I will exercise. -Yes, you will. 273 00:17:09,384 --> 00:17:13,286 Great. Dumb and dumber, reunited. 274 00:17:13,622 --> 00:17:16,489 Man, it's good to see you. You smell really good. 275 00:17:16,658 --> 00:17:19,126 You better get the fuck off me. What's wrong with you? 276 00:17:19,294 --> 00:17:22,559 Can't a straight man admire the stink of another handsome straight man? 277 00:17:22,731 --> 00:17:24,028 Not unless you in prison. 278 00:17:24,199 --> 00:17:26,224 -ls that where you been? -Close. Alaska. 279 00:17:26,401 --> 00:17:28,926 -What have you been up to? -Same old same old, dude. 280 00:17:29,104 --> 00:17:31,664 Just dealing, growing. Doing a little Pilates. 281 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,138 -No. -I love that shit, man. 282 00:17:34,309 --> 00:17:37,506 Stretch you out, dude. It give you power. Make you feel good as hell. 283 00:17:37,679 --> 00:17:39,340 -Hot instructor. -Ass like a peach. 284 00:17:39,514 --> 00:17:42,074 -You just wanna bite that shit. -Nice, nice. 285 00:17:42,250 --> 00:17:45,617 So, Conrad, man, can you hook me up with a little? 286 00:17:56,865 --> 00:17:58,628 That's a lot of weed, huh? 287 00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:01,563 You got the money? 288 00:18:01,736 --> 00:18:03,260 For that much, I don't.... 289 00:18:03,438 --> 00:18:07,101 Great. Lady Saltine sends her little errand boy with no scratch. 290 00:18:07,275 --> 00:18:09,175 Nancy? 291 00:18:09,511 --> 00:18:12,708 Yeah. She only paid for the half order she picked up this morning. 292 00:18:12,881 --> 00:18:15,475 And that's the other half. 293 00:18:15,650 --> 00:18:17,618 You got my money, boy genius? 294 00:18:27,095 --> 00:18:30,690 So Nancy's getting pretty big, huh? 295 00:18:31,933 --> 00:18:33,264 Fucking kingpin. 296 00:18:40,342 --> 00:18:41,969 What's so funny? 297 00:18:42,143 --> 00:18:44,907 What? Oh, Conrad does Pilates. 298 00:18:47,248 --> 00:18:50,081 -Okay. Where was l? -I'm surrounded. 299 00:18:50,251 --> 00:18:53,846 You're surrounded by the enemy. The enemy edges in closer. 300 00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:57,252 Closer. Then, when they're just inches away... 301 00:18:57,425 --> 00:19:00,394 ...you invoke the Dong Hai defense. 302 00:19:00,562 --> 00:19:02,052 What's that? 303 00:19:02,764 --> 00:19:06,063 You protect your dong and you swing like your life depended on it. 304 00:19:06,234 --> 00:19:07,861 Cool! 305 00:19:09,771 --> 00:19:12,103 I need to talk to you, you fucking perv. 306 00:19:13,908 --> 00:19:16,433 All right. Go practice that. 307 00:19:17,312 --> 00:19:19,872 What? Did that loony chick from Alaska call? 308 00:19:20,048 --> 00:19:22,778 -I'm talking about what you did to Megan. -Who's Megan? 309 00:19:22,951 --> 00:19:26,717 Megan. My girlfriend? You told her to take her clothes off when she lM'd. 310 00:19:26,888 --> 00:19:29,550 Oh, that Megan. Yeah. I did that for you, bro. 311 00:19:29,724 --> 00:19:31,419 -You should be thanking me. -What? 312 00:19:31,593 --> 00:19:34,960 -That girl really digs you. -No shit. She's my fucking girlfriend. 313 00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:37,121 But you haven't gotten into her panties yet? 314 00:19:37,298 --> 00:19:40,495 -That's none of your business. -You know why? 315 00:19:40,668 --> 00:19:43,967 You're afraid to make the big moves because she's handicapped and shit. 316 00:19:44,139 --> 00:19:47,108 That's what you need to learn. Treat them like everybody else. 317 00:19:47,275 --> 00:19:50,540 And then they pop right open like a can of Pringles. 318 00:19:51,613 --> 00:19:54,946 -So.... -So she's ready, man. 319 00:19:55,116 --> 00:19:56,777 You gotta go for it. 320 00:19:56,951 --> 00:19:58,646 -You gonna see her tonight? -Yeah. 321 00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:01,755 -Well? -Silas, check me out. 322 00:20:03,992 --> 00:20:05,721 You better be right. 323 00:20:06,761 --> 00:20:09,525 Trust me, man. It's good to go. 324 00:20:16,771 --> 00:20:18,671 Hey, Pants. 325 00:20:19,374 --> 00:20:22,605 Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cybersex... 326 00:20:22,777 --> 00:20:26,144 -...with a 15-year-old deaf girl. -Absolutely not. 327 00:20:26,314 --> 00:20:28,214 -I want you out tonight. -Really? 328 00:20:28,383 --> 00:20:30,977 -Because I was just cooking dinner. -I want you out now. 329 00:20:31,152 --> 00:20:34,485 Don't you wanna hear my menu? Because I got some really great recipes... 330 00:20:34,656 --> 00:20:38,592 ...over at my friend Conrad's joint earlier today. 331 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,923 Pot roast, corned beef hash. 332 00:20:42,096 --> 00:20:45,122 Tonight, though, I'm gonna go ltalian with a little baked ziti... 333 00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:47,359 ...and a big plate of spaghetti marijuana. 334 00:20:47,535 --> 00:20:49,264 -I mean-- -You sneaky piece of shit. 335 00:20:52,941 --> 00:20:57,605 Come, now, Nancy Pants. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? 336 00:20:57,779 --> 00:21:01,044 -What did you do? -Well, I went to my old friend Conrad's... 337 00:21:01,216 --> 00:21:04,049 ...to catch up on old times-- You remember Conrad, don't you? 338 00:21:04,219 --> 00:21:06,881 He's a pot dealer. He's the one you're supposed to call... 339 00:21:07,055 --> 00:21:08,920 ...if you ever needed a little puff. 340 00:21:09,090 --> 00:21:11,581 --and much to my surprise... 341 00:21:11,759 --> 00:21:16,059 ...I was handed a giant bag of weed... 342 00:21:16,231 --> 00:21:18,722 ...and told it was for you. 343 00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:22,233 -Where's my stuff? -So I thought: 344 00:21:22,403 --> 00:21:27,966 "Either Nancy's got a big problem, or Nancy's got a lot of friends." 345 00:21:28,142 --> 00:21:29,370 You've been--? 346 00:21:29,544 --> 00:21:32,377 -You've been making friends, Nancy? -Where's my stuff? 347 00:21:33,448 --> 00:21:34,676 Don't worry. It's safe. 348 00:21:46,561 --> 00:21:48,256 "Don't worry." 349 00:21:48,429 --> 00:21:50,090 Everything you touch turns to shit. 350 00:21:53,635 --> 00:21:56,399 I'm family. We'll work it out. 351 00:21:56,704 --> 00:21:59,332 I really want you to leave. 352 00:22:00,475 --> 00:22:03,842 Look, the way I see it is... 353 00:22:04,012 --> 00:22:06,310 ...you're in way over your head here, you know? 354 00:22:06,481 --> 00:22:09,382 You got a house, you got bills, you're a mommy. 355 00:22:09,551 --> 00:22:11,781 Dealing is a full-time job. 356 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:14,447 You need some help, Nancy Pants. 357 00:22:14,622 --> 00:22:18,558 Don't call me "Pants." 358 00:22:18,726 --> 00:22:22,719 -Judah called me "Pants," not you. -Hey, I miss him too, Nancy. 359 00:22:22,897 --> 00:22:26,355 Whatever you think about me, Judah was my brother. 360 00:22:26,534 --> 00:22:28,900 And I loved him. 361 00:22:29,404 --> 00:22:30,769 And I have your back. 362 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:36,643 Now, I'm gonna go inside and I'm gonna finish cooking dinner for the family. 363 00:22:38,012 --> 00:22:40,446 I'm making stoned crabs. I had to get that one out. 364 00:22:40,615 --> 00:22:42,446 I was working on them all the way home. 365 00:22:45,486 --> 00:22:47,283 Hey. 366 00:22:47,822 --> 00:22:49,153 You look hot in that leotard. 367 00:23:19,854 --> 00:23:22,049 Come on. 368 00:26:02,016 --> 00:26:04,075 I have cancer.