1 00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:05,470 [ theme music plays ] 2 00:00:05,472 --> 00:00:07,205 [ laughs ] 3 00:00:07,207 --> 00:00:12,544 ♪♪ 4 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:17,816 ♪♪ 5 00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:19,284 Man: It's alive! 6 00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:27,359 ♪♪ 7 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,361 [ laughs ] 8 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:33,898 ♪♪ 9 00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:35,734 [ laughs ] 10 00:00:37,237 --> 00:00:39,103 Aah! Oh, no! Aah! Aah! 11 00:00:39,105 --> 00:00:40,973 [ roars ] aah! Oh, god! 12 00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:43,108 [ screaming ] 13 00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:44,576 Aah! Aah! A [bleep] shark! 14 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:45,778 [ screaming ] 15 00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:47,712 [ record scratching ] 16 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,314 One on land. 17 00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:51,850 One at sea. 18 00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:54,653 Theirs was a forbidden love. 19 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,455 Just kill me already! 20 00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,791 The world was against them. 21 00:00:58,793 --> 00:01:01,926 We have to separate them. If they team up, we're dead. 22 00:01:01,928 --> 00:01:03,796 -No [bleep] way! -No! 23 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,865 Man: [ straining ] they must not mate! 24 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,602 [ dramatic music plays ] 25 00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:16,608 ♪♪ 26 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:19,211 Can true love prevail? 27 00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:22,214 "surt<3turf." 28 00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:23,548 From universal. 29 00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:26,351 [ suspenseful music plays ] 30 00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:30,155 Kraken, feast your eyes upon the terrible medusa. 31 00:01:32,893 --> 00:01:35,360 Throwing effort. 32 00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:38,163 There. That felt like a safe way to get rid of that. 33 00:01:38,833 --> 00:01:42,767 Ow! Hey, who's playing chad for a fool? 34 00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:45,170 [ yowls ] 35 00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:49,307 Oh, shit, with power like that, it could finally be chad's time! 36 00:01:49,309 --> 00:01:51,043 Let's go, hon. To the clubs! 37 00:01:51,045 --> 00:01:52,577 End of the line, 38 00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:54,446 Unless you got some pretty girls with you. 39 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:57,982 I got a girl that'll make you rock hard, brah. 40 00:01:57,984 --> 00:01:59,784 Turn into stone! 41 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:00,785 Yeah! We're in. 42 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:01,854 [ medusa shrieking ] 43 00:02:01,856 --> 00:02:03,388 -Oh! -Oh! 44 00:02:03,390 --> 00:02:05,657 Yo, yo. Two cinnamon whiskeys and red bulls, please. 45 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,392 Aah! 46 00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:08,527 ♪ oh, yeah, ah, ah ♪ 47 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,994 ♪ oh, yeah ♪ 48 00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:14,266 The kraken's brother is here, and he is pissed! 49 00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:15,901 Guess it's up to chad. Man: No! 50 00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:19,071 [ roars ] 51 00:02:19,073 --> 00:02:22,474 Feast your peepers on this, bitch. 52 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,142 Uh, babe... Sorry, bro. 53 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,944 I took some bad ketamine at the club. 54 00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:27,546 I'm gonna keel. 55 00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:29,481 Whoa! Cha... 56 00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:32,417 Mario, I met someone new. 57 00:02:32,419 --> 00:02:34,352 I'm sorry, but I'm leaving you. 58 00:02:34,354 --> 00:02:36,354 Huh? For who? 59 00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:38,223 Timothée chalamet? 60 00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:40,693 You gotta be shitting me. -Ha ha. What's up? 61 00:02:40,695 --> 00:02:43,562 I'm timothée chalamet, and I have a thing for peaches. 62 00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:46,565 Yeah, I know. We all know, you freak. Pitted peaches, unpitted peaches. 63 00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:49,234 [ cellphone chimes ] huh? 64 00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:51,904 Oh, god. 65 00:02:51,906 --> 00:02:53,605 [ cellphone chimes ] huh? 66 00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:56,508 [ cellphone chimes ] 67 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:57,842 [ thud ] aah! 68 00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,579 [ speaking spanish ] aah! 69 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,147 Aah! [ speaking french ] 70 00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:06,384 I only downloaded the app to impress people 71 00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:08,186 With the idea of me learning a new language. 72 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,188 I don't actually have the time or discipline. 73 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,256 [ laughs ] 74 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,792 Aah! Aah! I promise. 75 00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,528 I will never miss another day of language practice again. 76 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,230 [ speaking german ] 77 00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,068 [ screaming ] 78 00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:26,939 [ shouting in spanish ] 79 00:03:26,941 --> 00:03:28,507 [ announcer speaking spanish ] 80 00:03:31,145 --> 00:03:32,410 [ knock on door ] 81 00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:34,746 Hi. We're the pirates of dark water. 82 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,282 We only found 8 of the 13 treasures of rule 83 00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,883 Before fox kids canceled us, 84 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:42,020 So now we're here to help you with your dark water. 85 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,022 You talking about my runny stool? 86 00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:46,825 -[ clears throat ] -your drinking water, ma'am. 87 00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:48,961 This water is disgusting. 88 00:03:48,963 --> 00:03:51,764 They rerouted the flint river into our drinking water, 89 00:03:51,766 --> 00:03:53,231 And it ate up the lead pipes. 90 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,567 The children were drinking liquid lead. 91 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,636 This is great, great stuff. 92 00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:00,505 What the hell are you talking about, sunburn? 93 00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:04,576 So we'd call it "pirates of dark water: Operation flint." 94 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,378 Right. And who's the bad guy? 95 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:09,714 A squid in a pirate hat named squinty flinty, 96 00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:12,584 Who also happens to be the head of the michigan department 97 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,453 Of environmental quality. 98 00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,388 I am loving this. 99 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:19,591 You want the good news or the bad news? 100 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,859 Good news? 101 00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:23,462 I'm ordering 13 episodes right now. 102 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,664 -We're back! -Good for us. 103 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,532 Uh, and the bad news? 104 00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:29,668 Fox kids folded 20 years ago. 105 00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,936 I rescued that logo out of a dumpster on my last day 106 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:33,672 And have been running "fox kids" 107 00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:35,474 Here in my mom's guesthouse ever since. 108 00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:38,877 We have zero budget and make nothing. 109 00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,012 We'll take it. 110 00:04:40,014 --> 00:04:41,346 Great. Sign here. 111 00:04:41,348 --> 00:04:42,815 Click and sign. 112 00:04:42,817 --> 00:04:44,349 Oh, jesus christ. 113 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,751 [ groans ] mitch, where are we? 114 00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:48,487 What's this thing on my head? 115 00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:49,621 Jigsaw: Mitch and maggie, 116 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,024 Your selfish natures led to your divorce, 117 00:04:52,026 --> 00:04:54,292 And now you'll test whether your love 118 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,161 Ever meant anything at all. 119 00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:58,163 Maggie has a reverse bear trap 120 00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:02,034 That will split open her skull in one minute. Aah! 121 00:05:02,036 --> 00:05:04,703 The key's hidden in the stomach of this woman. 122 00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:08,507 Who lives, who dies -- make your choice. 123 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,442 Oh, shit. Oh, god, oh, god! 124 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:12,845 Vicki! My much younger fiancée?! 125 00:05:12,847 --> 00:05:14,446 I'm so sorry, vicki, but I just realized 126 00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:15,714 I still have feelings for my ex-wife. 127 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:17,716 I mean, she's the mother of my two girls. 128 00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,384 Stab! Ow. 129 00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:20,652 Hurry! Oh, my stomach! 130 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:23,588 Stab from the middle. You're doing it all wrong. 131 00:05:23,590 --> 00:05:25,990 Will you stop [bleep] micromanaging me?! 132 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,060 I know how to stab someone. 133 00:05:28,062 --> 00:05:29,261 I don't think our plan 134 00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:30,729 To get our parents back together is working. 135 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,531 [ bell dings ] 136 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:33,732 Aah! 137 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,401 Ah! There! See? You happy now? 138 00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:40,472 This is billy the puppet from "the parent death trap." 139 00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:43,742 And you're watching disney plus. 140 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,811 [ twinkle! ] 141 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,013 ♪ I love my pogs ♪ 142 00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,216 Here, hon. I bought you some toys. 143 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,885 Moon shoes! Thanks, mom. 144 00:05:52,887 --> 00:05:54,352 You want to watch me bounce? 145 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,755 Oh, sorry, honey. It's mommy's meth time. 146 00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,757 [ vehicle door opens, closes ] lookit. These are so cool. 147 00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,759 Now, how do these shoes work? 148 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:01,693 [ boing! ] 149 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,428 Whooooa! 150 00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:04,563 Oh, shit! 151 00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:05,698 [ door opens ] 152 00:06:07,834 --> 00:06:10,168 What is happening? [ laughs ] 153 00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:12,905 You stupid earthlings equip your brood with shoes 154 00:06:12,907 --> 00:06:14,907 That catapult them into the heavens. 155 00:06:14,909 --> 00:06:17,041 We track them to work as captives 156 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,912 On our diarrhea mines of mazashi 12. 157 00:06:19,914 --> 00:06:22,414 Diarrhea mines? Not today. 158 00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:25,317 [ gasps ] soccer boppers! 159 00:06:25,319 --> 00:06:27,185 The masashs' only weakness. 160 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,453 Have a little sock! 161 00:06:28,455 --> 00:06:30,589 And the bopping! No! No! 162 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,190 I am defeated. 163 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:34,593 But you will not survive. 164 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:35,994 [ alarm blaring ] 165 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:38,863 Whoooooo! 166 00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:40,799 Skip-it time! 167 00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:46,871 Mom, mom! The moon shoes blasted me into outer space, 168 00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:48,140 But this skip-it saved me. 169 00:06:48,142 --> 00:06:49,874 Oh, no, sweetie. The moon shoes broke 170 00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,543 Your ankles almost immediately. 171 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,079 You fell and cracked your skull open. 172 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,681 This whole adventure is just the last of your neurons 173 00:06:56,683 --> 00:07:00,018 Firing randomly before you die. 174 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,553 Moon shoes! 175 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:03,888 ♪ '90 toys, we were there for you ♪ 176 00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:05,691 ♪ when your parents were on meth ♪ 177 00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:09,694 Mirror, mirror on the wall, 178 00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:13,098 Who is the fairest of them all? 179 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:18,236 I shall have to say it's big butt mary in river town. 180 00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,639 My god, it's magnificent. 181 00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:23,575 Past jedi, be with me. 182 00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:24,977 Please, I need your help. 183 00:07:24,979 --> 00:07:26,578 -We're here, rey. -Use the force. 184 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:29,714 Hey, hey, hey! Don't forget me, yarael poof. 185 00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:31,583 Remember me? From the jedi council. 186 00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:33,986 Oh, gosh, it is dark and musty in here. 187 00:07:33,988 --> 00:07:35,854 I'm here for you, too, rey. 188 00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,522 We're a dyad in the force. 189 00:07:37,524 --> 00:07:40,492 Dyad? Oh. So are we just, like, making things up? 190 00:07:41,728 --> 00:07:43,328 Uhh! So, hey, rey. 191 00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,997 I can tag in any time. 192 00:07:44,999 --> 00:07:47,265 You know, if you want the help of an honest-to-goodness jedi, 193 00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,234 As opposed to captain emo or... 194 00:07:52,406 --> 00:07:53,605 She's gonna die. 195 00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:56,074 Force, healing power. [ grunts ] 196 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,410 Could we always just heal people with the force like that? 197 00:07:58,412 --> 00:07:59,878 It seems to me that that would have been 198 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,680 A useful thing to know. 199 00:08:04,018 --> 00:08:07,486 I think, you know, I and a lot of other people assumed you two 200 00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:10,154 Were at the very least cousins. All I'm saying is maybe 201 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:12,424 Let's do a little back-of-the-napkin family tree 202 00:08:12,426 --> 00:08:14,759 Before we lock any lips, okay? 203 00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:16,361 Yarael poof, is it? 204 00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:19,631 Could you grab my spaceship and bring it around to pick us up? 205 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,700 Oh, yeah, great. Once again, 206 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:24,703 Yarael the jedi master does the grunt work. Oy. 207 00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:27,372 [ weakly ] giving you my life force. 208 00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:28,774 You're cousins! 209 00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:31,510 [ gasps ] 210 00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:32,845 [ crying ] 211 00:08:32,847 --> 00:08:34,379 Cousins! 212 00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:37,382 This holiday season on the hallmark channel... 213 00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:39,852 I'm a recently divorced teacher who needed a change. 214 00:08:39,854 --> 00:08:42,454 I left my phone, my laptop, and my dignity at home 215 00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:43,788 For a week in the mountains, 216 00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:45,990 But I never thought I'd find love amongst the trees. 217 00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:47,992 I'm a curmudgeonly lodge rental owner 218 00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:49,928 Who's never given love a chance... 219 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,530 Until now. [ gasps ] 220 00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:53,398 Oh, cameron, I -- 221 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,466 Hold on. 222 00:08:54,468 --> 00:08:57,202 Do you feel like the trees just got closer? 223 00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,070 What do you mean? 224 00:08:58,072 --> 00:08:59,137 That! 225 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,272 [ both scream ] 226 00:09:00,274 --> 00:09:01,707 We can hide out in the lodge. 227 00:09:03,277 --> 00:09:05,077 Oh [bleep] 228 00:09:05,079 --> 00:09:06,945 Why are there so many trees in here? 229 00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:09,614 How else will people know it's christmas time? 230 00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:13,385 Ohh! This is not love amongst the trees! 231 00:09:14,088 --> 00:09:16,354 [ slurps ] ahh! 232 00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:17,756 This is the life. 233 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,357 I love you, doris. 234 00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:20,693 I love you, too, fred. 235 00:09:20,695 --> 00:09:24,429 "pining for tree love 3: Sappily ever after." 236 00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:25,830 Only on the hallmark channel. 237 00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:28,767 Hallmark. We cast more trees than people. 238 00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:31,103 Man: We did it. We traveled through time 239 00:09:31,105 --> 00:09:33,105 And saved the world. Yeah. 240 00:09:33,107 --> 00:09:36,375 Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna invent time travel. 241 00:09:36,377 --> 00:09:37,642 Aah! 242 00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:38,977 We are in the past. 243 00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,378 Where is the child? 244 00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:43,982 He is the one who will invent time travel. Kill him. 245 00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:45,250 What did you do? 246 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,452 I just said, "I want to invent time travel." 247 00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,922 Where is the inventor of time travel? 248 00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:53,292 He must pay for what the future has become. 249 00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:57,329 Death to the time child. 250 00:09:57,331 --> 00:09:59,998 Energy volts. 251 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,601 Do not invent time travel, young man! 252 00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:04,603 I won't. I promise. 253 00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:06,071 Oh, thank god. 254 00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:07,940 It's over. Good. 255 00:10:07,942 --> 00:10:10,442 Because I totally want to invent time travel. 256 00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:14,879 The future demands the child's death! 257 00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:16,481 What's wrong with you?! 258 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:17,716 [ wails ] 259 00:10:18,953 --> 00:10:20,152 Aah! Aah! 260 00:10:20,154 --> 00:10:22,087 I am you, but from the future. 261 00:10:22,089 --> 00:10:24,689 Inventing time travel disrupted all of reality. 262 00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:27,759 You must give up your dream of inventing time travel. 263 00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:30,228 Okay! But it would have been cool. 264 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,430 Actually it's totally cool. 265 00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:33,799 Ha! I knew it. 266 00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,568 Future me! Oh, come on! 267 00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:39,171 Creature: Murder the time child! Murder him! 268 00:10:39,173 --> 00:10:41,373 You just lost your tv privileges, young man. 269 00:10:41,375 --> 00:10:43,308 Oh, dad! 270 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,376 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 271 00:10:44,378 --> 00:10:45,644 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 272 00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,646 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 273 00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:48,781 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 274 00:10:48,783 --> 00:10:50,248 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 275 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,116 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 276 00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:53,117 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 277 00:10:53,119 --> 00:10:54,386 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 278 00:10:54,388 --> 00:10:56,388 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 279 00:10:56,390 --> 00:10:58,457 Ba-gawk! Bawk. 280 00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:02,528 Stoopid monkey.