1 00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:09,074 ♪♪ 2 00:00:09,109 --> 00:00:10,108 ♪ Archie ♪ 3 00:00:10,143 --> 00:00:11,143 ♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪ 4 00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:13,445 ♪ And Robot Chicken, yeah ♪ 5 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,314 ♪ The combo you've been waiting for ♪ 6 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:17,215 ♪ Jughead ♪ 7 00:00:17,250 --> 00:00:18,817 ♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪ 8 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:20,085 ♪ Oh, Betty, Ronnie ♪ 9 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:21,787 ♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪ 10 00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:23,688 ♪ Reggie and the other ones ♪ 11 00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:26,858 ♪ God, there are so many other ones ♪ 12 00:00:26,893 --> 00:00:28,060 Announcer: It's the 13 00:00:28,095 --> 00:00:30,729 "Robot Chicken Archie Comics Special." 14 00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,467 We've picked up a distress signal nearby. 15 00:00:35,502 --> 00:00:38,870 -It's coming from that ship. -It's our duty to investigate. 16 00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:41,640 Josie, we'll be late for Pluto-chella. 17 00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:44,242 [ Giggles ] I thought Venus-palooza was next. 18 00:00:44,277 --> 00:00:45,677 That's after Burning Mars. 19 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,713 Did we commit to Uranus Aid? 20 00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:49,948 Oh, for Christ's sake. 21 00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:51,550 We got to fix the laugh track, guys. 22 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:52,918 Hello! The distress call. 23 00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,186 Speaking of distress, 24 00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,922 we forgot to take Sebastian out of cryo sleep. 25 00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,690 Whoo-hoo! 26 00:01:01,361 --> 00:01:03,829 Guide it in the back door, Alan, gently. 27 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:07,065 Actually, Josie, it's the other ship's job to relax. 28 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:08,366 Thank you very much. 29 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:11,904 Oh, yeah! Baby! 30 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:15,607 Say, where's Alan M.? 31 00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,976 [ Giggles ] He said he spilled a coconut smoothie 32 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,378 on his lap, and then he fell asleep. 33 00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:22,614 We don't have coconut smoothies. 34 00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:24,449 Hm, no sign of life. 35 00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:26,852 I guess I can re-route the auxiliary power 36 00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:29,088 so we can see their last flight log. 37 00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,090 It worked! 38 00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:33,859 Hey, y'all, this is D.J. from DuJour 39 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,528 coming at you with the c-c-c-crisis! 40 00:01:36,563 --> 00:01:38,930 DuJour? I heard their record company 41 00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:41,466 shot them into space after their unique brand of 42 00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:43,668 top 40 homo-erotica fell out of favor. 43 00:01:43,703 --> 00:01:45,137 What do you mean? 44 00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:48,039 "Back Door Lover" is a classic. So is "Fisting in the USA." 45 00:01:48,074 --> 00:01:49,674 Yo, what's up with your boy Travis? 46 00:01:49,709 --> 00:01:51,543 Bummer times on our journey. 47 00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:54,246 And we're here with a wickity wickity warning. 48 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,148 Oh, God. They're going to sing. 49 00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:57,849 ♪♪ 50 00:01:57,884 --> 00:02:00,118 ♪ Whoa, whoa ♪ 51 00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:02,154 ♪ I'll take you to the stars inside ♪ 52 00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:04,022 ♪ But the price is much too steep ♪ 53 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:05,657 DuJour means may day. 54 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:08,260 ♪ Aboard our ship, our souls so damned ♪ 55 00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:10,262 ♪ Lurks a danger known as ♪ 56 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,731 -Oooh! -DuJour! 57 00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,199 [ Screaming ] 58 00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:15,600 DuJour meets death, y'all. 59 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,937 Lee? They must have said a bad word. 60 00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:20,805 [ All screaming ] 61 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:21,873 -Oh, God! -What the?! 62 00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:23,442 Aah! 63 00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:26,778 Okay, people, we've got just five minutes for corpse selfies, 64 00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:28,113 and then we're back on the road. 65 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,481 [ Camera shutters clicking ] Okay, big smiles. 66 00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:30,782 Selfie! 67 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,384 Mary, I'm home. 68 00:02:32,419 --> 00:02:34,953 Dinner's cold, but I suppose you ate at the bar. 69 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,821 Oh, God, I had one beer. 70 00:02:36,856 --> 00:02:38,823 How much sherry did you pound down making that 71 00:02:38,858 --> 00:02:40,425 two ingredient meat loaf? 72 00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,460 Don't raise your voice. You're scaring little Archie. 73 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,162 Oh, you noticed we had a child? 74 00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:45,530 Now that it's convenient? 75 00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:47,098 I play with him all day long, Fred. 76 00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:48,266 I got bruises on my knees. 77 00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:49,801 I'm on the floor playing with him so much. 78 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,403 Oh, you've got bruises all right. 79 00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:53,605 [ Sobs ] From falling down drunk 80 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:55,373 from sherry, drinking it. 81 00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:57,209 You know what? I want a divorce. 82 00:02:57,244 --> 00:02:59,110 And I'm taking Archie. Archie, come to me. 83 00:02:59,145 --> 00:03:01,413 No, I'm the only mother you'll ever have. 84 00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:02,447 Come to Mommy. 85 00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:04,549 Archie, you love me. Prove it. Choose me. 86 00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:05,951 No, Archie, come to me. 87 00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,118 Choose the one you love the most. 88 00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:08,186 Don't you fuck this up, Archie. 89 00:03:08,221 --> 00:03:09,054 Come to me! Come to me! 90 00:03:09,089 --> 00:03:10,589 [ Crying ] 91 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,290 Oh, God, oh, God. What have we done? 92 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:13,525 I'm so sorry, Archie. 93 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:14,893 I'm sorry, Mary. Let it be okay. 94 00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:16,161 Oh, God. I'm so sorry. 95 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,964 I'm so sorry. Oh, Fred, we've scarred them for life. 96 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:22,401 You'll be fine, won't you, son? You'll -- you'll be okay. 97 00:03:23,270 --> 00:03:26,171 You have to choose Archie, me or Veronica. 98 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,473 Uh, uh, uh... 99 00:03:28,508 --> 00:03:30,108 [ Sobs ] 100 00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:32,644 Uh, what the hell is wrong with him? 101 00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:35,580 Today is Sex Education Day, class. 102 00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:37,182 The boys are with Principal Weatherbee, 103 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,617 the poor bastard. 104 00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,152 And I'll be teaching you ladies. 105 00:03:41,187 --> 00:03:43,054 This is the vagina. 106 00:03:43,089 --> 00:03:44,589 [ Gasps ] 107 00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:45,924 We've lost Miss Cooper. 108 00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:49,394 Any other shrinking violets ready to tap out? 109 00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:51,329 Excuse me, but shouldn't we learn about sex 110 00:03:51,364 --> 00:03:54,266 from someone...experienced? 111 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:57,502 I think what Veronica means is the modern sexual experience 112 00:03:57,537 --> 00:04:00,071 is likely somewhat different than what you grew up with. 113 00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:03,575 I'll have you know I had sex last week. 114 00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:04,809 [ All gasp ] 115 00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:06,945 [ Laughing ] 116 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,447 [ Shudders ] 117 00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:11,616 [ Screams ] 118 00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:12,651 [ Shudders ] 119 00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,119 Team work, boys. Team work. 120 00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:15,453 Let me juggle them balls. 121 00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:17,088 Yep, that's hot. 122 00:04:17,123 --> 00:04:18,657 Oh, the hell with this. 123 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,158 I wonder how the Bee is doing. 124 00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:23,561 Raise your hand if you've seen porn. 125 00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:26,031 It will never be that good. 126 00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:30,035 Man: Let the first annual Riverdale Pride parade begin. 127 00:04:31,037 --> 00:04:33,438 Pride Day! 128 00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:34,606 We support you! 129 00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:36,441 Great bravery, Kevin! 130 00:04:36,976 --> 00:04:39,144 Yeah, baby! 131 00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:41,946 Man: And that concludes the Riverdale Pride parade. 132 00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:43,481 That went so much better 133 00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:45,650 than our Black History Month parade, right? 134 00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:48,286 Yeah, a Black history parade with our only Black guy 135 00:04:48,321 --> 00:04:50,121 kind of sucked, Chuck. 136 00:04:50,156 --> 00:04:52,157 You knew I was out of town. 137 00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:53,992 Miss Spellman! 138 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:58,963 Are you ready to sign the Book of the Beast?! 139 00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:00,732 Mm, I don't know. 140 00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:03,335 This decision will affect my entire life. 141 00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:05,570 -Do it! -Do it! 142 00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:07,339 [ All clamoring ] 143 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:10,375 Oh... 144 00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:13,111 18% interest on a student loan? 145 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,446 That's bullshit. 146 00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:15,914 What's up, fart sticks? 147 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:19,351 It's your boy, the myth, the legend, the mantle, Reggie. 148 00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:20,418 [ Bells ringing ] 149 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:21,886 Announcer: That's a big boy. 150 00:05:21,921 --> 00:05:23,555 I'm here at Sweetwater River Trail 151 00:05:23,590 --> 00:05:27,826 to show you all the places I've totally s-s-s-scored! 152 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,862 Like behind that tree and that smaller tree. 153 00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,431 And -- what the hell is this? Is that Jason? 154 00:05:33,466 --> 00:05:35,667 Jason, are you dead, dude? Oh, man. 155 00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:37,635 Did you pork your sister so many times 156 00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,104 you kill-basa'd over? 157 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,572 [ Ringing ] [ Laughs ] 158 00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:42,607 Incest is hilarious, man. 159 00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:44,042 That's some "Game of Thrones" shit. 160 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,411 Well, there you have it, nug muffins. 161 00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:50,548 All the places I've gone to Poundtown and a dead body! 162 00:05:50,583 --> 00:05:52,050 Hey, anyone see Principal Weatherbee 163 00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:54,486 come out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck on his shoe? 164 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:55,754 What a loser. 165 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:58,356 Don't you mean poor, old, and fat loser? 166 00:05:58,391 --> 00:06:00,058 That's the loser hat trick. 167 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,794 [ Laughter ] 168 00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:05,163 [ Sighs ] 169 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,866 ♪ Mr. Weatherbee wakes each day before the sun ♪ 170 00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,334 Here we go again. 171 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:13,571 ♪ He boils his egg, making sure the yolk does not run ♪ 172 00:06:13,606 --> 00:06:15,940 ♪ Or he'll have no fun ♪ 173 00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:17,342 [ Sighs ] 174 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,444 ♪ Mr. Weatherbee, he gets dressed, picking out a tie ♪ 175 00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:21,112 Here we go. You got this. 176 00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:24,983 ♪ This he thinks is the way to catch Miss Grundy's eye ♪ 177 00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:26,951 ♪ But he knows she's rather die ♪ 178 00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:28,586 Piece of shit. 179 00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:30,321 ♪ He goes to work, which is a school ♪ 180 00:06:30,356 --> 00:06:32,090 ♪ So he feels rather caught ♪ 181 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:34,292 ♪ Not a man and not a boy ♪ 182 00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:35,894 ♪ His life is rather fraught ♪ 183 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:39,864 ♪ He neither teaches nor is taught ♪ 184 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,900 ♪ He'll see Miss Grundy in the lounge ♪ 185 00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,835 ♪ Sipping her hot tea ♪ 186 00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:47,572 ♪ If only he were the tea so in her mouth he'd be ♪ 187 00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:49,307 ♪ Her tongue so slippery ♪ 188 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:50,542 What are you looking at? 189 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,377 ♪ Mr. Weatherbee walks the halls ♪ 190 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,345 ♪ The kids will ignore him ♪ 191 00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:56,114 ♪ His loneliness unbearable ♪ 192 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:58,483 ♪ This life is wearing thin ♪ 193 00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:01,085 ♪ Maybe tonight he'll make it end ♪ 194 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:02,187 ♪ Oh ♪ 195 00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:03,955 ♪ The red haired he hates the most ♪ 196 00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:05,824 ♪ But it's really jealousy ♪ Archie! 197 00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:07,792 ♪ For Weatherbee would like to be the one ♪ 198 00:07:07,827 --> 00:07:09,727 ♪ To have Veronica or Betty ♪ 199 00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:11,963 ♪ Or Veronica and Betty ♪ 200 00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:14,332 Their faces practically the same 201 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:16,901 ♪ Differing only by color of their hair ♪ 202 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:20,705 ♪ He imagines their smooth young bodies ♪ 203 00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:25,844 ♪ He wishes he were their underwear ♪ 204 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,079 [ Bell rings ] ♪ Suddenly the school bell rings ♪ 205 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,681 ♪ Waking him from his reverie ♪ 206 00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:31,649 ♪ He looks down at his open pants ♪ 207 00:07:31,684 --> 00:07:34,319 ♪ The erection plain to see ♪ 208 00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:37,722 ♪ They all scream, "Look at him!" ♪ 209 00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:41,826 ♪ The news helicopter overhead circles endlessly ♪ 210 00:07:41,861 --> 00:07:44,929 ♪ Gently placed in the police car is Mr. Weatherbee ♪ 211 00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:46,364 My phone. 212 00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:49,968 ♪ The monster Weatherbee ♪ Anyone would have done it. 213 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:52,370 I'm just a man. I'm just a man. 214 00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:53,838 What's up, taint tubas? 215 00:07:53,873 --> 00:07:56,541 So it turns out the people aren't huge fans of me 216 00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:58,443 live streaming dead bodies to children. 217 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:02,447 I "legally" apologize. 218 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,748 [ Ding ] 219 00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:05,083 [ Horns blowing ] Oh, yeah! 220 00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,318 So join me tomorrow when I'll be taking a dump 221 00:08:07,353 --> 00:08:09,153 in Betty and Veronica's shoes to see 222 00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:12,190 which one Archie would rather smell. 223 00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:13,825 Hey, Moose. Hey, Midge. 224 00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:16,528 She's mine! Aaah! 225 00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:19,430 Don't ever talk to my Midge! 226 00:08:19,465 --> 00:08:21,866 Moose! Stop being so jealous. 227 00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:23,601 Duh... 228 00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:24,970 Interesting. 229 00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:32,977 "You know who is hot? Midge from Riverdale. 230 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,846 I want to kiss Midge." 231 00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:35,780 Aaah! Aaah! 232 00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:37,248 My Midge! 233 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,551 Duh, duh, duh, duh. 234 00:08:39,586 --> 00:08:41,219 Duh, duh, duh, duh. 235 00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:44,622 No! Duh, duh, duh! 236 00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:46,457 Duh! 237 00:08:46,492 --> 00:08:48,092 Incredible! 238 00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:49,761 Even the Green Berets couldn't cause 239 00:08:49,796 --> 00:08:51,596 this much damage, Midge. 240 00:08:51,898 --> 00:08:53,331 Midge? 241 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,833 Aaaah! 242 00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:58,069 My Midge! 243 00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,004 Incredible! 244 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:03,575 Well, I'll be damned. We had coconut smoothies 245 00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,109 this whole time. Ooh! 246 00:09:05,144 --> 00:09:08,346 Sebastian's done. [ Giggles ] Ooh! 247 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,148 That's some hot pussy. 248 00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:12,550 [ Beeping ] 249 00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:14,252 Something's wrong in the engine room. 250 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:16,821 Alex, go check it out. Uh, why do I have to go? 251 00:09:16,856 --> 00:09:18,623 Because somebody needs to play 252 00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:20,725 the "Checking out the engine room" song, 253 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,760 and you're a talentless hack. 254 00:09:22,795 --> 00:09:24,262 Yeah, got me there. 255 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:26,931 ♪ Engine room, engine room ♪ 256 00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:29,467 ♪ We sent Alex to the engine room ♪ 257 00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:32,403 ♪ He's going to check it out, that engine room ♪ 258 00:09:32,438 --> 00:09:34,238 Guys, I don't see anything. 259 00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:36,841 ♪ Keep on checking that engine room ♪ 260 00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:38,509 Who's there? 261 00:09:38,544 --> 00:09:39,577 Aaaah! 262 00:09:39,612 --> 00:09:41,045 ♪ Engine room ♪ 263 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,647 Aw, you're not dangerous. 264 00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:44,048 You're a friendly little fella. 265 00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:45,416 [ Roars ] 266 00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:47,552 Although this is unsettling. 267 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:49,954 ♪ Engine room ♪ 268 00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:52,590 ♪ Everything's fine in the engine room ♪ 269 00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:54,492 -Oh, no! -♪ Talking about ♪ 270 00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,361 ♪ That engine room, yeah ♪ 271 00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,063 Alan! Alexander's dead. 272 00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:02,233 I'm an only child now with double the inheritance. 273 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,968 Oh, no. Sis, sis. 274 00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:07,205 Why, Alexander? 275 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,175 Whatever killed DuJour is on this ship now. 276 00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:13,311 Whoo! 277 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,480 Lace up your running shoes, gang, because it's time for a... 278 00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:17,015 All: Chase montage! 279 00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,117 ♪ Chase montage, let's run and run ♪ 280 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:25,023 ♪♪ 281 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,291 Ooh, escape pod! 282 00:10:27,326 --> 00:10:29,293 Whoo! 283 00:10:29,328 --> 00:10:32,897 ♪ Space fromage is yum, yum, yum ♪ 284 00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:34,866 [ Screams ] 285 00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,838 [ Beeping ] 286 00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:42,107 [ Whirring ] 287 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:45,643 ♪ Recycled gags will pack our scripts ♪ 288 00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:48,146 ♪ Hanna-Barbera, the comedy grip ♪ 289 00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:50,248 Ow! My tail! 290 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,483 Valerie, our tails are not real. 291 00:10:52,518 --> 00:10:53,952 Mine was a butt plug. 292 00:10:55,922 --> 00:10:57,288 Val! Oh! 293 00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,190 No! Josie, get back! 294 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:07,899 Alan, everyone's dead. What do we do now? 295 00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:11,703 Well, I'm still in the mood for splitting things in half. 296 00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:13,237 Huh? Yeah. Oh, Alan. 297 00:11:13,272 --> 00:11:14,839 No? 298 00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:21,612 Hey, girl, when did you get flippers? 299 00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:23,281 What? 300 00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:24,215 [ Screams ] 301 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:25,583 [ Screams ] 302 00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:29,420 Oh, I'm so stressed. I've got the squirties. 303 00:11:29,455 --> 00:11:31,289 My sister Polly comes home today. 304 00:11:31,324 --> 00:11:33,124 Oh, yeah, from the insane asylum. 305 00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:35,159 We call it the hospital. 306 00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:37,662 But yes, she always makes life so difficult. 307 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,964 Blam! Dun-da-na-na! 308 00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:41,733 Polly Cooper's home, skanks. 309 00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:42,700 Ugh. 310 00:11:42,735 --> 00:11:44,435 For the purposes of this sketch, 311 00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:47,038 I will be playing the role of Polly Cooper. 312 00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:50,274 ♪ I am Polly Cooper, I am Polly Cooper ♪ 313 00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:52,043 No! This is confusing. 314 00:11:52,078 --> 00:11:54,145 It doesn't track, and I don't follow the logic. 315 00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:58,716 Damn! When do we get a studio audience? Hey! 316 00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:00,184 [ Record needle scratches ] What up, sis?! 317 00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,620 Polly, hey, welcome home. 318 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:05,022 Veronica Lodge, you still got hemorrhoids 319 00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,492 from shitting all them diamonds? 320 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,526 Yes. Fuck Head! 321 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,695 Oh, fuck. Can't miss you in a crowd 322 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,597 with a nose like Pinocchio's dick. 323 00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:14,098 Nice crown, asshole! 324 00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:15,767 It's called a whoopy cap! 325 00:12:15,802 --> 00:12:18,169 I'll bust a whoopy cap in your ass! 326 00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:20,404 Garcon, let me get a fucking milkshake. 327 00:12:20,439 --> 00:12:21,939 Sure thing, Polly. Cherry on top? 328 00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:24,175 No, thanks. I'll just use Betty's. 329 00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:26,477 La-la-la-la! Polly, stop it! 330 00:12:26,512 --> 00:12:28,646 Stop hogging it, you fucking virgin! [ Laughs ] 331 00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:31,315 Oh, I love when Polly's home. 332 00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:34,485 Oh, she's just so exasperating, Archie. 333 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:35,953 I know how you feel, Betty. 334 00:12:35,988 --> 00:12:38,322 It's probably how I feel talking about your sister 335 00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:40,758 instead of watching this John Wick movie. 336 00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:42,026 Aaah! Jesus fuck! 337 00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:43,728 How many times I got to tell you, Andrews, 338 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,030 keep your ginger freckle gutter DNA 339 00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:47,632 out of our superior gene pool! 340 00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,066 Damn it, Polly! 341 00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:50,134 [ Sobs ] Yeah! 342 00:12:50,169 --> 00:12:52,069 Go clean the orange pubes out of your teeth 343 00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:54,205 before mom finds out! 344 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:55,139 Polly, please be nice to Betty. 345 00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:56,841 She's going through a lot. 346 00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:58,409 Oh, fuck. Menopause? 347 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,111 She drank half a rhubarb spritzer 348 00:13:00,146 --> 00:13:02,446 and sent a nude pic to Reggie. 349 00:13:02,481 --> 00:13:04,582 He and the football team have been slut shaming her. 350 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,217 They been fuckin' what? 351 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,619 [ Grunts ] 352 00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:10,888 Polly Cooper?! This is the boys locker room! 353 00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:13,257 Guess she's a whore just like her sister. 354 00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:14,458 [ Grunting ] 355 00:13:14,493 --> 00:13:15,793 My hair! 356 00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:17,161 Shit. 357 00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:19,030 Aaah! 358 00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:20,565 [ Screams ] 359 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,365 [ Toilet flushes ] 360 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,634 Aaah! 361 00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:25,903 Blam! Pow! Bang! Aah! 362 00:13:25,938 --> 00:13:28,506 [ Grunting ] 363 00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:30,942 What is going on?! 364 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,411 [ Panting ] Oh, you want some of this shit? 365 00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:34,812 I didn't see anything, Polly. 366 00:13:34,847 --> 00:13:37,315 We're cool. It's cool. It's all cool. 367 00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:39,183 Oops. I got your throat. 368 00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:41,185 Oh, come on, man. It wasn't personal. 369 00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:42,720 I'm the antagonist, you see? 370 00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,755 Without me, nothing would ever happen at this school. 371 00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:45,957 Damn right. 372 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,491 Without you, this wouldn't happen. 373 00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:48,526 [ Screams ] 374 00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:51,129 [ Grunting ] 375 00:13:52,531 --> 00:13:53,831 Polly! 376 00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:55,733 You did this for me? 377 00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:59,303 Hot blonde white girls got zero advantages in life, Betty. 378 00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,505 We got to stick together. 379 00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:02,874 Na-la-la-la-la-la! 380 00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:03,908 Get out of there! 381 00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:04,876 [ Cheers and applause ] Bravo! 382 00:14:04,911 --> 00:14:06,077 Encore! 383 00:14:06,112 --> 00:14:07,211 Bravo! Guys and ladies. 384 00:14:07,246 --> 00:14:10,748 Best "Robot Chicken" special I've ever seen! 385 00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:15,820 ♪ Betty Cooper was my high school sweetheart ♪ 386 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:19,690 ♪ She had blue eyes and hair like gold ♪ 387 00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:23,227 ♪ But Veronica Lodge let me have sex with her ♪ 388 00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:26,664 ♪ And my love for Betty, it turned cold ♪ 389 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:30,134 ♪ Then one day Veronica told me ♪ 390 00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:33,804 ♪ She was pregnant and the babe was mine ♪ 391 00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:38,910 ♪ She said, "Let's run off away together and leave Riverdale" ♪ 392 00:14:38,945 --> 00:14:41,345 ♪ And all our friends behind ♪ 393 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:45,049 ♪ I was scared, sir, I was just a boy now ♪ 394 00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:48,719 ♪ I had been a junior in high school my whole life ♪ 395 00:14:48,754 --> 00:14:52,089 ♪ I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say ♪ 396 00:14:52,124 --> 00:14:55,960 ♪ I've been in high school for my whole life ♪ 397 00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:59,997 ♪ I told Veronica, "Hey, we ain't got no money" ♪ 398 00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:03,768 ♪ She smiled and said, "That's all right" ♪ 399 00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:06,804 ♪ My daddy's safe is behind a painting ♪ 400 00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:11,142 ♪ We'll take his money and run away tonight ♪ 401 00:15:11,177 --> 00:15:14,612 ♪ Well, Mr. Lodge, he must have heard us ♪ 402 00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:18,549 ♪ He stood in that doorway raising hell ♪ 403 00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:21,852 ♪ I never saw Veronica raise that shotgun ♪ 404 00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:25,823 ♪ But I watched that old man as he fell ♪ 405 00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:29,760 ♪ She was laughing like a demon ♪ 406 00:15:29,795 --> 00:15:32,997 ♪ And a shiver ran up my spine ♪ 407 00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:36,734 ♪ But we made love beside her dead father ♪ 408 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:40,471 ♪ And together we stepped across that line ♪ 409 00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:44,041 ♪ We went on killing, just killing and killing ♪ 410 00:15:44,076 --> 00:15:48,245 ♪ Making love in the blood that we spilled ♪ 411 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,983 ♪ I shot Jughead, she shot Hot Dog ♪ 412 00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:55,486 ♪ Not even shooting Reggie left us fulfilled ♪ 413 00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:59,223 ♪ We blew Moose's head off, but he was too dumb to notice ♪ 414 00:15:59,258 --> 00:16:02,693 ♪ But I guess he could still feel jealousy ♪ 415 00:16:02,728 --> 00:16:06,163 ♪ So when we set our sights on his girlfriend ♪ 416 00:16:06,198 --> 00:16:10,234 ♪ Moose put an end to our killing spree ♪ 417 00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:13,504 ♪ I don't know what really drove us ♪ 418 00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:17,241 ♪ To take all those lives so carelessly ♪ 419 00:16:17,276 --> 00:16:20,911 ♪ I'd say keeping someone in high school forever and ever ♪ 420 00:16:20,946 --> 00:16:24,849 ♪ Will cause some people to break down mentally ♪ 421 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:28,786 ♪ Now burning in the fires of hell, Lord ♪ 422 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:32,323 ♪ And forever will I scream and cry ♪ 423 00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:35,559 ♪ But at least I'm no longer a junior ♪ 424 00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:40,731 ♪ I finally graduated from Riverdale High ♪ 425 00:16:40,766 --> 00:16:41,699 [ Cheers and applause ] 426 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:44,802 Hello, Venus. Meet my penis. 427 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,238 Let's make our own Milky Way. 428 00:16:47,273 --> 00:16:48,773 What the hell? 429 00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:50,908 Holy extinction event! 430 00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:52,977 Nerd panic grips Riverdale. 431 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:55,880 Local White Urkel spies death from above. 432 00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,349 We join his Instagram Live already in progress. 433 00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:00,551 There's only moments left to live, people! 434 00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:03,254 Jack 'em if you got 'em. This is not a drill! 435 00:17:03,289 --> 00:17:05,556 Back to you in the studio, Jim. 436 00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:07,458 Well, folks, you heard him. 437 00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:12,096 [ Screaming ] 438 00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:15,366 Archie! 439 00:17:15,401 --> 00:17:16,834 Betty! 440 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,436 Oh, Archie-kins! 441 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:20,738 Archie, the world is literally ending. 442 00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,207 You need to decide. Me or Veronica. 443 00:17:23,242 --> 00:17:25,342 Once and for all, pick one of us. 444 00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:26,610 There's no -- Veronica. 445 00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:27,545 [ Gasps ] What? What? 446 00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:29,046 Veronica. I choose Veronica. 447 00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:32,650 Rich, mean, sexy, full bush. Yeah, final answer. 448 00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:33,451 Veronica. 449 00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:34,385 What?! Yes! 450 00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:36,120 Whoa! Oh! 451 00:17:36,155 --> 00:17:38,656 Aaah! Do over. Sorry, do over. 452 00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:40,491 I choose Betty. Wait. Do over. 453 00:17:40,526 --> 00:17:41,292 Cheryl. 454 00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:43,094 [ Screams ] 455 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:46,597 Okay, final answer is Betty. Definitely Betty. 456 00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:49,667 Is your sister home? No. Betty. Betty. 457 00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:51,635 I hate you so much. 458 00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:53,571 [ Gun cocks ] I am not letting this country 459 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,439 down twice. 460 00:17:55,474 --> 00:17:57,842 Never forget! 461 00:17:57,877 --> 00:17:59,944 Oh, shit! 462 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,347 [ Screaming ] 463 00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,015 Oh, shit, fam. 464 00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:07,718 This is your boy Reg dog vlogging an alien invasion. 465 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:08,986 [ Horns honking ] 466 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:10,688 Watch me get an interview with that flappy bitch. 467 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:11,889 For science. 468 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,324 Reggie, no! 469 00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:14,558 They're dangerous! 470 00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:16,360 Dangerous is my maiden name. 471 00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:18,996 [ Grunting ] 472 00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:23,501 -Oh! -[ Gasps ] 473 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,669 The aliens are allergic to Reggie. 474 00:18:25,704 --> 00:18:27,238 Also R.I.P. Reggie. 475 00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,573 The secret you defeating them must have something 476 00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,041 to do with Reggie. 477 00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:33,277 We're going to need more brain power to figure this out. 478 00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:34,545 -Dilton! -Dilton, let us in! 479 00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:36,380 Uh, what? 480 00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:38,482 Aaah! 481 00:18:38,517 --> 00:18:39,917 There's coconut smoothie everywhere. 482 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,552 This kid can party. 483 00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:43,888 Grab his microscope, Betty. He's coming with us. 484 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,157 [ Mumbling indistinctly ] 485 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,059 Get off my car, you little freaks! 486 00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:51,662 It has 50 more payments on it. 487 00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,131 My car! 488 00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:58,636 [ Grunts ] 489 00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,371 Josie McCoy?! 490 00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:03,040 Here on Pluto-chella weekend? 491 00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:05,242 The Pussycats split up over creative differences, 492 00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:06,577 uh, and they're dead. 493 00:19:06,612 --> 00:19:07,678 No! 494 00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:09,246 Need a bass player? 495 00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:11,215 [ Bass plays ] 496 00:19:11,784 --> 00:19:13,417 Damn, Miss Grundy! 497 00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:15,986 Now stand back and watch this drive. 498 00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:19,523 Hm, Reggie definitely had a virus of some kind. 499 00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:21,625 Herpes. He was so proud of it. 500 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:25,062 Maybe the herpes virus is deadly to the Bleeps. 501 00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:27,398 Ah! If we only knew more about herpes. 502 00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:30,368 What?! I taught you all about it in sex ed! 503 00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:34,805 Oh, for -- children, gather round. 504 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,208 Who here had sex with Reggie? 505 00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:39,977 And who here had sex with Betty? 506 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:43,247 And who here had sex with Archie? 507 00:19:43,282 --> 00:19:45,382 Oh, you filthy little Petri dishes. 508 00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:47,651 Miss Grundy, I had sex with you, too, remember? 509 00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,486 [ All gasping ] 510 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,690 Never mind that. Let's kill those Bleeps! 511 00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,158 [ Cheering ] 512 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,693 Oof, dodged that bullet. 513 00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:59,563 Ch-ch-ch-charge, motherfuckers! 514 00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:01,032 [ Screaming ] 515 00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:04,569 Mwah, mwah. 516 00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:09,707 [ Gasps ] 517 00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:12,076 [ Grunting ] 518 00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:16,747 Hot Dog, what are you doing? Herpes is a people disease! 519 00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:20,251 [ Screams ] 520 00:20:21,253 --> 00:20:22,553 [ Screams ] 521 00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:25,122 Why didn't I just fuck Archie when I had the chance? 522 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:27,758 [ Guitar plays ] 523 00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:29,059 That's right. 524 00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:30,394 Nothing leads you into a life of herpes 525 00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:32,997 like rock and roll. 526 00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:36,667 Welcome to the Herpes party! Open wide! 527 00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:45,409 Looks like we got 'em all. 528 00:20:45,444 --> 00:20:48,379 We won! We won! [ Laughs ] Yeah! 529 00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:49,580 Huh? 530 00:20:49,615 --> 00:20:53,884 Uh, blonde, full bush. Uh, blonde, I don't know. 531 00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,619 Archie, those are the last two. 532 00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:56,787 Finish this! 533 00:20:56,822 --> 00:20:58,088 I can't decide. 534 00:20:58,123 --> 00:21:00,858 You're a real piece of shit, you know that? 535 00:21:01,527 --> 00:21:02,860 [ Screams ] 536 00:21:04,530 --> 00:21:05,796 [ Belches ] 537 00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,499 [ Rumbling ] 538 00:21:11,470 --> 00:21:15,839 Oh, my lifelong nightmare is finally over! 539 00:21:15,874 --> 00:21:18,208 Also rest in peace, Archie, of course. 540 00:21:18,243 --> 00:21:20,611 Hey, how's your ass look in a cat suit? 541 00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:23,147 No better than this ass. 542 00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:25,149 Whoo-hoo! 543 00:21:25,184 --> 00:21:26,317 ♪ Archie's dead ♪ 544 00:21:26,352 --> 00:21:27,685 ♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪ 545 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,019 ♪ Reggie's dead ♪ 546 00:21:29,054 --> 00:21:30,454 ♪ Veronica, too ♪ 547 00:21:30,489 --> 00:21:31,789 ♪ Cheryl's dead ♪ 548 00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:33,257 ♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪ 549 00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:34,658 ♪ What about Jughead? ♪ 550 00:21:34,693 --> 00:21:36,727 ♪ He's just goo ♪ 551 00:21:36,762 --> 00:21:37,928 ♪ Grundy lived ♪ 552 00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,330 ♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪ 553 00:21:39,365 --> 00:21:40,931 ♪ Betty lived ♪ 554 00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:42,232 ♪ Josie, too ♪ 555 00:21:42,267 --> 00:21:45,269 ♪ Look for their mixed tape, dropping soon ♪ 556 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,471 ♪ That's the end of the Bleepin' Robot Chicken ♪ 557 00:21:47,506 --> 00:21:49,306 ♪ Archie Comic Special ♪ 558 00:21:49,341 --> 00:21:51,008 ♪ Whoo ♪ 559 00:21:54,613 --> 00:21:57,781 Apocalypse averted. Thank you, herpes. 560 00:21:57,816 --> 00:21:59,249 I've only been in here a day. 561 00:21:59,284 --> 00:22:01,218 What the hell is going on out there? 562 00:22:01,253 --> 00:22:02,386 This just in. 563 00:22:02,421 --> 00:22:04,555 In an historic moment, Archie has chosen... 564 00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:05,689 Veronica. 565 00:22:05,724 --> 00:22:08,058 No way. Betty's got that ponytail. 566 00:22:08,093 --> 00:22:09,093 [ Sighs ] 567 00:22:09,128 --> 00:22:11,595 I too have made a decision. 568 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:17,835 [ Gags, chokes ] 569 00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:20,971 [ Chuckles ] Veronica, man. No way. 570 00:22:22,775 --> 00:22:23,574 [ Monkey chittering ] 571 00:22:23,609 --> 00:22:24,909 Stupid monkey.