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00:00:02,469 --> 00:00:04,202
[ Theme music plays ]
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[ Laughs ]
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♪♪
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♪♪
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Man: It's alive!
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♪♪
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[ Laughs ]
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♪♪
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[ Laughs ]
10
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Oh, yeah.
I'm ready.
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00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,440
Give it to me,
Rube Goldberg.
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Hold on.
Let me put on a condom.
13
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[ Mouse squeaking ]
14
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Oh, uh...
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Hm.
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Mm-hmm.
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Mm, yeah.
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Uh, uh...
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Uh...hmm.
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Mm?
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Oh, um...
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Oh, um, oka-- okay?
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[ Train horn blows ]
Mm. Uh...
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I've lost my erection.
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Hey, hey!
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Who's knock-knocking
on Genie's door?
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Hi, uh, Mr. Genie.
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I'm one of the bell-ringers
you magically created
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for Prince Ali's parade
today.
[ Clanking ]
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00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:31,490
Uh-huh.
Yeah,
I-I just remember
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appearing next to 30 other dudes
dressed in these weird hats
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pumping these bells
up and down in the air.
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Like,
do you know who I am?
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Do I have a name?
35
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I mean, I know
I'm damn good at bells.
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[ Chuckles ]
Uh, Bellford.
Bellford's your name.
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00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,772
Okay, Bell Jar-Jar Binks.
Uh, I should turn in.
38
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:51,043
And you know the 53 peacocks
and 95 white Persian monkeys
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we were singing about?
40
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Can you wish me, uh,
some white Persian monkey food?
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They fling poo
when they're hungry.
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Kevin, buddy,
I don't make the wishes.
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I make the magic.
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What happens afterwards,
I quite literally
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don't give a shit.
Door slam.
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[ Animals calling ]
It's a no, guys.
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A pen. I gave Diane my heart,
and she gave me a pen.
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Woman: Well,
have you tried the pen?
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Whoa! Ooh!
50
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[ Both moaning ]
51
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,282
We must stop
before Barbie sees us.
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Barbie: Ken.
[ Gasps ]
53
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Ken, Ken, why did I find this
in our bedroom?
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
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Frilly underwear.
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
Oh, no.
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That's nothing, darling.
I --
[ Doorbell rings ]
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Who could that be?
At this hour?
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
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Totally Tattoo Barbie?
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But I thought
you were discontinued.
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I may have been discontinued,
but I never die.
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In fact, I've totally been
living next door
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and sleeping with Ken
for months.
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[ Giggles ]
You are totally
full of lies.
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Oh, yeah?
[ Gasps ]
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
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Slap, slap!
[ Doorbell rings ]
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Who could that be?
At this hour?
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00:03:04,719 --> 00:03:07,252
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Holiday Memories Barbie?
71
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What are you doing here?
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I had amnesia, but I finally
got my memory back.
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I remember all the holidays
I spent with you,
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which led me to remember that
I am, in fact, your twin sister.
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It can't be.
I don't remember you.
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You got amnesia, too,
Barbie.
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I mean, look at us.
We're identical.
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[ Doorbell rings ]
Another guest?
At this hour?
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
Picture Pockets Barbie,
what are you doing here?
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I have a picture in my pocket
that you need to see.
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Gasps ] Ken!
How could you?
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Slap, slap!
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[ Speaks indistinctly ]
Slap!
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I'm sorry, Barbie, but there's
also something you must know.
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
I am also your twin.
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[ Gasps ]
[ Gasps ] Oh, yeah.
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I also forgot to mention,
I'm also your long-lost twin.
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Oh, my!
[ Gasps ]
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I have to admit
something, too.
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Barbie,
I am also your twin.
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
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Oh!
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Together: Ken, my love!
Oh, no!
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We've got to get him
to the hospital.
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
My God, my twin!
96
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:07,046
Oh, my God!
97
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
My God, could it be?
98
00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:12,317
My long-lost twin brother?
99
00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:15,454
I finally found you.
Oh, no.
100
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:17,790
I hate to say this
to my own twin brother,
101
00:04:17,792 --> 00:04:21,125
but, Ken, you have a brain
tumor, and you are going to die.
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[ All crying,
speaking indistinctly ]
103
00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:25,330
I also have something
to say.
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It's a good thing
we're at the hospital
105
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because I'm pregnant...
[ Barbies gasp ]
106
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with your baby.
Mine?
107
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[ Flatline ]
108
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[ All crying,
speaking indistinctly ]
109
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Not my brother!
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[ Crying ] How will I ever
replace my Ken?
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Did somebody say "Ken"?
[ Dramatic music plays ]
112
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He-llo.
113
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I can't wait to see
what Totoro looks like now.
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Me, too.
Okay, Totoro,
115
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come on out and show us
how much weight you lost.
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[ Both scream ]
117
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Oh, my God!
118
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My eyes, my eyes!
119
00:05:02,236 --> 00:05:03,435
Ugh, where am I?
120
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:06,839
Hello, Mark.
I want to play a game.
121
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If you can't saw off
both your arms in 1 minute,
122
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10 gallons of acid
will drop from the ceiling.
123
00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:15,380
Oh, my God.
You still ride a tricycle?
124
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What are you, 4?
[ Laughs ]
125
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[ Crying ]
Hey, kiddo.
126
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Aw, another victim make fun
of your trike?
Yes.
127
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Well, maybe it's time
I teach you how to ride a bike.
128
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This is terrifying.
129
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♪ Jigsaw and Billy
riding bikes together ♪
130
00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:36,869
♪ Nothing they can't weather
with love on their side ♪
131
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♪ I know you're afraid,
but there's nothing to fear ♪
132
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♪ 'Cause Daddy is here
to fill you with pride ♪
I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
133
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[ Gasps ] Huh?
What's going on?
134
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:52,016
Hello, Justin.
I want to play a game.
135
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You have to cut off
your testicles,
136
00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:55,087
then cut out your eyes,
137
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put your eyes where your nuts
were, and vice-versa.
138
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[ Laughs maniacally ]
Holy shit.
139
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,626
You are a natural
on that bicycle.
140
00:06:01,628 --> 00:06:03,095
[ Bicycle bell dings ]
141
00:06:03,097 --> 00:06:04,763
Thanks for the shirt,
guys.
142
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I-I can't believe
you think I'm the world's --
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Ah!
There can be only one!
144
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:15,774
Narrator:
He was a championship coach
who took on the impossible.
145
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:18,110
The hell was that?
146
00:06:18,112 --> 00:06:20,245
Foul!
147
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:21,646
Announcer:
The Harlem Globetrotters
are running rings
148
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:25,117
around
the Washington Generals.
Oh, my God.
149
00:06:25,119 --> 00:06:28,520
The players are getting
hypnotized with an umbrella.
150
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,855
Narrator: They told him
it was impossible.
151
00:06:30,857 --> 00:06:32,190
Coach,
it's not a real game.
152
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:35,059
Yeah, you're telling me.
Guy did a cartwheel out there.
153
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:36,728
That's not traveling?
154
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,196
Nah,
don't you get it?
155
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:40,665
Our team has been told
to lose.
156
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:42,534
By who, society?
157
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But he wouldn't give up.
158
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We're going to play
with the circus.
159
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:48,607
We're going to train
with the circus.
160
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[ Elephant trumpets ]
161
00:06:50,477 --> 00:06:51,743
Are those elephants?
162
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,012
But just when victory
seemed within reach...
163
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,080
Great practice, guys.
164
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,615
A little more
trampoline work,
165
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,150
and we're --
what's this?
166
00:06:58,152 --> 00:07:00,819
We're the Baltimore Rockets
now.
You're leaving me?!
167
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,955
Nah, they just
change the name sometimes
168
00:07:02,957 --> 00:07:04,756
so it looks like
the Globetrotters
169
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:05,824
play multiple opponents.
170
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:06,959
We're the same team.
171
00:07:06,961 --> 00:07:09,161
Narrator:
...he lost it all.
[ Grunts ]
172
00:07:09,163 --> 00:07:10,362
Chair!
Ah!
173
00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:11,964
-[ Grunts ]
-Oh!
174
00:07:11,966 --> 00:07:13,498
Go to hell!
175
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:14,967
You're not leaving me.
176
00:07:14,969 --> 00:07:17,235
I'm leaving you.
Whoa!
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00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:18,971
Narrator: This summer...
Let's do it for Coach.
178
00:07:18,973 --> 00:07:20,372
Flying chair!
179
00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:24,143
You ready to be
0 and 16,006?
180
00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:26,779
[ Ting! ]
181
00:07:26,781 --> 00:07:31,516
...the best way to win
is to actually start trying.
Slam dunk.
182
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:33,585
[ Groaning ]
Slamming the du-u-nk!
183
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,253
You're not
supposed to win.
184
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,189
And angels
aren't supposed to fly.
185
00:07:37,191 --> 00:07:40,058
[ Buzzer ]
[ Chuckles ]
Glitter bucket.
186
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:43,128
Oh, what are you idiots doing?
I hired you to lose.
187
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,798
Oh, I'm ruined,
ruined.
188
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Excitement,
hoot, and holler!
189
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:51,737
"The Washington Generals."
190
00:07:53,207 --> 00:07:56,074
Hey, Arnold, why you looking
so glum on this beautiful day?
191
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,409
It's Mother's Day.
192
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I never got to meet mine
because she died in childbirth.
193
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:01,480
Oh, God.
[ Grunting ]
194
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:04,016
Come on, Mrs. Shortman,
just one more push.
195
00:08:04,018 --> 00:08:05,550
You can do it, honey.
196
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:07,285
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
197
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,621
Is that a football?
I've got him.
I got him.
198
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:11,223
[ Grunts, screams ]
199
00:08:11,225 --> 00:08:12,891
[ Blows whistle ]
It's good.
[ Car alarm blaring ]
200
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:15,794
Turns out, dads can die
in childbirth, too.
201
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,765
Well, hello there,
ladies.
202
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:22,901
We were actually hoping
your hot brother was here
203
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:24,369
to take our order.
204
00:08:24,371 --> 00:08:26,571
You ladies want to skip the
movie and take turns making out?
205
00:08:26,573 --> 00:08:27,706
Yeah.
Sure, Drake.
206
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,374
[ Grunts ]
207
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:31,176
[ Groans ]
Drake has it so easy.
208
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,978
If I looked like him, I'd be
the one getting the girls.
209
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:35,780
Josh, I don't pay you
to monologue.
210
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:38,116
Get back to work.
But Drake
just left his shift
211
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,918
to go make out
with girls again.
212
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,854
Well, maybe
if you looked like him,
213
00:08:41,856 --> 00:08:44,789
you'd get the same allowance
as he does as a hot person.
214
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:46,058
If only there was a way
215
00:08:46,060 --> 00:08:48,727
to take his face off his face
and put it on my face
216
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:51,864
and take my face off my face
and put it on his face.
217
00:08:51,866 --> 00:08:53,131
Hmm.
218
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:56,601
Another day of minimum work
thanks to my face.
219
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,470
[ Both grunt ]
220
00:09:00,474 --> 00:09:03,141
[ Groans ]
What happened?
221
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,277
Aah!
Ooh, what's up,
brother?
222
00:09:05,279 --> 00:09:07,079
I know
we're not related,
223
00:09:07,081 --> 00:09:09,748
but now it's like
looking in a mirror.
224
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,349
W-Why do you have
my face?
225
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:12,617
So sorry, brother,
226
00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:15,153
but your days of being
the hot, popular one are over.
227
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:18,223
I took your face off your face
and put it on my face
228
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:21,359
and took my face off my face
and put it on your face.
229
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,696
I feel like there's got to be
an easier way to say that.
230
00:09:23,698 --> 00:09:24,763
There isn't.
231
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,431
Now,
if you'll excuse me,
232
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,767
I have a harem of tween girls
to attend to.
233
00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,703
Ta-ta.
Not my tween groupies.
234
00:09:30,705 --> 00:09:33,171
[ Grunting ]
Hug me, brother.
235
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:34,573
Drake!
236
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,842
Surprise.
Where did you get a gun?
237
00:09:37,844 --> 00:09:40,178
Someone on the street
gave it to me 'cause I'm hot.
238
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,580
Rhetorical question,
brother,
239
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:44,382
because I've had the same thing
happen to me my whole life.
240
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:45,784
Bang-bang!
241
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:48,153
[ Speaks indistinctly ]
Rat-tat-tat-tat-
tat-tat-tat-tat!
242
00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:52,857
Indiscriminate firing!
243
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:54,326
That's it.
Josh, you're fired.
244
00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:56,461
But Josh -- I-I mean,
Drake started it!
245
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:57,730
Doesn't matter.
He's hot.
246
00:09:57,732 --> 00:10:00,132
He's allowed to start shootouts
in public places.
247
00:10:00,134 --> 00:10:01,666
Thanks, babe.
Aah!
248
00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:03,702
Dodge.
249
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,108
[ Siren wailing ]
[ Coughs ]
250
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,145
Arrest me.
I don't care.
251
00:10:13,147 --> 00:10:15,079
I'll still be hot and popular
in prison.
252
00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:16,348
Yeah,
a pretty boy like you
253
00:10:16,350 --> 00:10:18,417
is bound to get a lot
of attention in the slammer.
254
00:10:18,419 --> 00:10:20,685
Ah, I didn't think
this part through. [ Chuckles ]
255
00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:21,553
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
256
00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:22,821
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
257
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:24,957
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
258
00:10:24,959 --> 00:10:26,090
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
259
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:27,159
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
260
00:10:27,161 --> 00:10:29,227
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
261
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:30,162
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
262
00:10:30,164 --> 00:10:31,430
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
263
00:10:31,432 --> 00:10:33,431
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
264
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:35,668
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
265
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:39,571
Stoopid Monkey.