Dear Jamie, when we're together,
I feel like we're not in high school,
but in our own little Chris-andJamie world.
Whether we're watching "Party of Five"
or practicing our cheers,
I feel like I can just be myself.
Jamie, we've been friends for a really long time,
but I want to be more than that.
Oops! I don't think so.
Hoping to be your boyfriend.
Sincerely, Chris Brander.
BFF!
* I swear *
* By the moon and the stars in the skies *
* I'll be there, yeah *
* And I swear *
* Like a shadow that's by your side *
* I'll be there *
* For better or worse... *
- Raise your hand if your brother's a homo! - * Till death do us part... *
- Get out of my room! - Mom!
Stupid! Anybody ever hear of privacy around here?!
- * I swear * - You're the homo.
Jamie!
Yeah, I signed your yearbook.
Oh, you feel the same way about me?
Oh, you want a kiss?
Jamie, I signed your yearbook.
Jamie, I'm opening your gate.
What's up, guys?
- Class of '95. - Mm-mm.
Hey, what's up, Leon, Trevor? Great season. Great.
I love you.
- Hey, guys. - Chris Brander, ladies and gentlemen!
- Happy graduation, Chris. - What's going on?
I thought it was supposed to be just the four of us.
The Palaminos decided to throw Jamie
- a surprise graduation party. - Oh, that's just great!
- Tonight's the night. - Where is she?
I think I saw her go in the garage with the football team.
- Sweet. - Hey. No fear, Chris, huh? This is your
- chance to get out of the "friend zone." - Yeah.
- Huh? - Okay.
*... for hip hop this is hip hop for today *
* I give props to hip hop, so hip hop hooray... *
Jamie.
- Chris! - Yay!
You came, finally! I'm so happy.
Oh, come on, come on!
Oh my God, we graduated!
Whoo!
- God. - Yeah.
What's up?
There's something I've been meaning to say to you.
Jamie! There you are.
- Hey, Tim. - Shut up, chubs.
Funny guy!
Jamie...
- will you sign my yearbook, please? - Can I do it later, Tim?
Can I do you later?
I need a beer!
I can't believe...
- I went out with him. - You went out with him.
Jinx! 1-2-34-5-6-7, can't say a thing till I say...
Come in.
- Oh, hi. Hi, Jamie. - Hey, Dusty.
I was hoping I'd find you here.
I didn't know you played guitar.
L-I r-really...
- I really want to be a famous musician. - Huh.
And, um, I wrote you a song.
He wrote me a song! That's so cute.
It's called "Jamie Smiles."
Aw.
* When Jam... *
Hold on.
* When Jamie... *
He's crazy.
* When Jamie... *
God damn it! Come on, Dusty!
Dusty, come here.
Maybe you should come back another time when you're...
- Oh, no, I got it. - You can come back
and then play it for us later, okay?
- I really... I've got it. It's beautiful. - Yeah.
- It is. - Bye, Dusty.
Jesus.
Yeah.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I got you a little something right here.
Okay. Now I know it's a little dorky,
but I had to do it.
So look at it.
Will you put it on for me?
- Now? - Please, please? Put it on.
- Okay. Quickly. - Okay okay okay okay.
- I think it's gonna fit. - Yeah.
- Let's see. - Okay.
- Here we go. - Okay.
It's a little snug.
Oh my God, isn't that so cute?
"Shakes come and go,
but friends are furrr-ever!"
That's adorable! Let's go show my mom.
She'll love it. Let's go show her. Come on.
- Let's not. No no. Come on. - Chris, she's gonna love it!
Just... just wait.
- Just... we're busy! - Chris, are you okay?
Yes, I'm fine. I just...
I signed your yearbook.
Um...
read it... please.
Okay.
Please, God.
"Stud muffin, getting it on in your love truck was hot!"
- Oh! - Wait! That's not what I wrote!
This is Tim's yearbook.
- Chris? - Oh my God!
Listen to this. Listen to this.
"When we're together, I feel"...
- Gimme! - "Like we're not in high school, but we're
- in our own Chris-andJamie little world." - Tim... okay.
Okay.
- "You're my best friend..." - Please, don't read that.
"But I want to be more than that"?
Ooh!
"Hoping to be your boyfriend.
Sincerely, Chris Brander, BFF."
It's a joke! That's a joke between me and Jamie!
Holy shit! Check out his shirt!
Aw, he's gonna cry.
See ya!
G'bye, fatty!
Chris!
Try a salad!
- Chris! - Leave me alone!
Don't worry about it. It happens to everybody.
Chris! We need to talk about what you wrote.
Is that really how you feel?
I don't know. Maybe. Why?
Because that's the nicest thing anyone's ever written me.
It was?
Yes.
I love you, Chris...
- like a brother. - Hmm?
- We're friends, right? - For sure!
Ah, you pussy!
Shut up, Tim!
Don't you people have anything better to do?!
God! Just leave him alone!
You jerks!
- I'll show you! - Ooh!
I'll show all of you!
This town is full of losers
and I'm pulling out to win!
Chris! Chris, come back!
- My name is Chris Brander! - Chris, let's talk!
You remember that name! 'Cause I'm gonna be somebody!
I don't know what to say.
I mean, the sex is good,
but I'm a person too.
I mean, I have feelings and needs
other than just physical!
Don't you have anything to say for yourself?
I think you've pretty much said it all.
You know what? This just isn't working out.
Have a great life, 'cause Athena's out!
I don't know why you just don't take me serious!
Wow!
I guess Athena's out.
God, can you believe that?
I get dumped four days before Christmas.
- I saw. - Yeah, and yet, you did nothing.
Technically, that makes you an accomplice.
Guilty as charged.
You know, in some cultures they'd spank you for that.
Oh, I love to travel.
- Chris Brander. - I'm Mandy.
Of course you are. You know, I know a song called "Mandy."
Oh!
He shoots, he scores.
- Nice, nice! - Yeah, Brander! Great job, Brander!
You're the bad bunny. No. No, that's you.
You're the bad bunny. Yeah.
Okay, that's enough out of you.
Next time you call me, you call me collect.
Okay. Bye-bye.
- So how'd it go last night? - Home by 10:00.
Pants off in front of the computer by 10:01.
Nice. What about Sheila? Are you making any headway?
We'll see. I'm taking her to lunch today...
Oh, whoa, whoa whoa. Don't... don't do that.
- Okay? Don't do lunch. - Why?
That's like the express lane to the friend zone.
What the hell's the friend zone?
See when a girl decides that you're her friend,
you're no longer a dating option.
You become a complete non-sexual entity in her eyes,
like her brother. Or a lamp.
I don't want to be a lamp.
Yeah. Well, then don't be her friend, okay?
Oh. Take that guy, for example.
- You mean that couple? - No no no.
No, I mean the guy that wishes they were a couple.
- What is your point? - My point is...
call Sheila, Ray. Call her right now.
Move your day date to tonight.
Play the entire thing aloof and no matter what you do, kiss her at the end.
- 'Cause friends don't kiss. - All right. "Aloof."
Hi.
- Straight to voicemail. - Ouch.
Hope you're not too late. You may already be girlfriends.
- Really? How will I know? - Look. It doesn't matter, okay?
If you feel yourself going there, walk away.
Where'd you come up with this theory?
Some chick f'd me up in high school bad.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse you!
I saw you flirting with me out there.
How could you do that to your boyfriend?
Who, him? We're just friends.
Oh, no no no, I never said that, Lindsay. I wouldn't do that.
No, I'm driving through a tunnel.
Okay. One second here. Hey, Francine, you look great.
- Thanks. - That color really brings out your legs.
Hey, I don't even know you. Yeah. Ho-ho-ho.
That's great. Merry Christmas.
I can still see it. I can still... rub harder!
Don't dab at it! Rub it.
Rub, rub it, rub it!
Look, honestly, these pants make me look fat?
- Well... - You're fired!
- What? - I'm kidding.
Ho-ho-ho! Who's got a Christmas present?
I do.
How you doing, boss? Merry Christmas.
- I look fat in these pants? - Hell no.
Excellent! So you're seeing your family
- for the holidays. - Well, as a matter of fact...
- Wait. You want anything? - No.
Go! Wait.
- Family. - Parents are separated.
- Jersey's not my idea of a good time, so... - Fabulous.
- Check this out. - Yeah. Great. Good.
First up tonight, you've seen her in the pages of magazines,
and well, the opening of practically anything,
but what what you may not know about this "it" girl...
is her humanitarian side.
Hey, everyone. I'm Samantha James
and I'm here with Mr. Cluck Cluck
and my new best friend Wafoofi
and we're part of a kick-ass humanitarian effort
to help promote vegetarianism in third world countries,
which is really really important.
Okay, and speaking of really really important...
I have some good news.
I've been recording for my new album
which I hope to have out early next...
- I want that album. - Hah! What?!
- Samantha James? - Yeah.
No no no no. Listen to me very carefully now.
Samantha James is a crazy person.
Hey, you're the one that used to diddle her, not me.
It was one date! And I ended up in the hospital.
Have you seen this poster? Huh? Have you seen...
- this poster? - Yeah, with the fruit.
This is the hottest-selling poster in the United States.
People love her. They love her!
Oh, who loves her?
MTV just got her a new reality show next year.
We time the CD release with the show, we got a guaranteed hit
plus free promotion.
- She's recording over... - I know where she's recording.
Good. Good. Make me happy.
Go away. Wait. Not you.
Wait!
You don't make me happy, I'm gonna find somebody else to make me happy.
Loud and clear. Yeah. Clear as a bell.
- Good. - Okay.
What are you still doing here?
Go! Go get me lobster!
Go! Run! Lobster!
Run away! Run! Daddy want a fish!
* Uh, uh, uh *
* Yeah, uh uh, eins zwei drei vier! *
* We might be a world apart *
* World apart *
* But you're always in my heart *
* Always in my heart *
- * When you look up at the stars * - * Look up at the stars *
- * Feel my love from afar * - * Afar afar *
- * Looking down like a shining star * - * Shining star *
- * Dancing free with my guitar * - * My guitar *
- * I don't know just where you are * - * Where are you? *
* Love from afar, love from afar *
* Feel my love... *
Cut! Cut!
Okay, Ron, which jokester changed the key on me?
No one, Samantha.
It's been the same key for the last 43 takes.
Well, something's off then, because I'm just not feeling it, okay?
God, I need my guitar.
- We need to mix the tracks separately. - No!
My lyrics say "dancing free with my guitar," Ron.
So, I'm gonna be real, okay?
I'm not gonna let you and Hong Kong Phooey up there
turn me into some poppy bubblegum wannabe.
Okay? I need to transcend!
Are you guys even listening to me?
* You guys are assholes, you're assholes... *
- Switch it off, guys. - * Ron, you're an asshole *
* You guys are assholes, You're assholes. *
She's all yours.
Chris!
Hey!
I can't hear you, Samantha. I can't hear you, Samantha.
- Can't hear you. - Oh.
Oh, light bulb. There you go.
Oh my God, I don't believe it!
God, I've missed you.
Oh... okay.
Wait a minute. Are you here because you miss me,
or are you just here because your boss wants to sign me?
Both?
That's cool. Guess I missed you too.
God, I want to lick your skin off!
- I prefer you didn't. - But I want to.
Don't.
Ow!
Ooh, you're gonna get it. You're gonna get it, baby.
- I don't want it. - Bad kitty. Meow, meow.
- Okay. - Oh! Listen, what're you doing
- over the holidays? - I'm going to Santa Barbara...
'Cause Paris is throwing a Christmas bash in Paris.
Okay, Paris isn't gonna work for...
I'm gonna call my assistant and we're gonna go tonight.
We can work and play. Mreow.
Oh my God! I just wrote a new song. You have to hear it!
This one's called "Forgiveness."
Ahem.
* Forgiveness *
* Is more than saying sorry *
* To forgive is divine *
* So let's have a glass of wine *
* And have makeup sex *
* Until the end of *
* Time time time time *
* Time *
* Time. *
So what did you you think?
Ah!
I mean, my God!
Oh my God, you're sweet.
- What is that? - This is a taser gun.
My publicist gave it to me to ward off stalkers.
Bam! Ha ha ha!
Ooh, ahi tuna.
- You want some? Yummy yummy. - I'll pass.
Ahi!
Oh, I'm so glad KC got us back together.
Yeah, you're awful.
Hey, I have a great idea.
What if on our way to Paris we stop off in Ireland
and find out where U2 lives?
What if we got someone like Bono to sing backup?
I'd be all... * Forgiveness is the way, *
and he'd go, * Forgiveness every day * only all Bono-y.
Wouldn't that be amazing?
Ah! What if I added more vibrato?
* Forgiveness *
* Is more than sayin' sorry *
* To forgive is divine *
* So let's have a glass of... *
Okay. Who's the genius behind this?
The container said "microwavable."
But the aluminum foil wasn't.
Well, I'm not supposed to worry about stuff like that.
I'm the talent.
Daddy, we're down.
Not exactly warm out here, is it?
- How long till we're airborne again? - Nice plane!
- Not till tomorrow. - Ah, terrific. Where are we?
Not happy!
We're on a private field an hour outside of Trenton.
Jersey? We're in New Jersey?
Hey, wait a minute. Am I being Punk'd?
Where's Ashton? Ha!
Ashton!
Oh my God! Ha ha.
You totally got me!
Ashton?
I love it that you're taking me home to meet your mom.
Was this one of your clever little plans?
Yes. I planned you setting the plane on fire.
Surprise!
Ow!
Oh, my little boy.
Be right down.
* La da da, da da *
* La da da da *
* La da da, da da *
* La da da da *
* La da da, da da *
* Da da da da. *
I do not remember Jersey being this cold.
Well, it's been uncommonly cold this month.
We've gone through seven bags of rock salt.
Your house is just so quaint, Mrs. Brander,
I mean, Chris, you never told me you were so provincial.
It's like a true rags to riches story,
but I've always found the middle class to be just so much more real.
I mean, isn't Chris great?
Yeah, he is a nice boy.
You know, he usually flies us out to Los Angeles.
It's been, uh...
oh, nine, 10...
- It's 10 years. Yeah. - 10?
10 years since he's been home.
- All right. Good job, Dougie. - Oh, hi, honey!
Oh my God.
- Mikey. - Oh my God!
- Is that my Christmas present? - Sam, my younger brother Mike.
- Samantha James. - Samantha James.
Mike Brander. It is an honor.
I have your poster on my wall,
- but you are way hotter in person. - I know!
- You have her poster on your wall? - Yeah.
I slapped the ham to it like an hour ago.
What ham did you slap?
Not the ham that I just bought?
Oh, Mrs. Brander, do you have anything else besides ham?
Because I'm on the Perricone diet
and I need salmon like now.
I love salmon. It's the prettiest color for bedrooms.
- So relaxing. - I'm gonna start drinking.
Um, does anybody want anything? Some coffee?
Maybe some salmon or something?
Just gonna...
yeah.
Mike! Good to be home.
Oh, boy. Okay.
Hi. Yes, I know, very exciting.
Hi. Hi.
Oh. Chris, let's get it to go.
People are staring at me.
Oh my God... plastic menus!
Well, this isn't gonna work, is it now, Chris?
Chris?
Excuse me, but I was wondering if you think
America will ever switch to the metric system?
Well, that's a very interesting...
- Oh my God! Chris! - I don't believe this!
- Oh! God, you look great! - I don't... you look great!
- Well, thank you! How you been? - We're married.
- You're married! - Married?
- Oh, yeah, we're married, we got a kid. TJ. - We have a son. TJ.
- TJ! - He looks like me. He's got Clark's eyes...
Oh my God! Where does the time go?
He's like the creative mind kid, he's like, brilliant and you can meet him.
- That's great! - God, look at those teeth!
Those are some nice veneers you got, my friend.
- Don't tell me that you're a dentist. - A dentist?
- I totally sold out, dude. - Hey, you and me both, buddy.
Hey, lover, aren't you gonna introduce me, huh?
Yes!
Samantha, these are my old friends.
This is Clark, this is Darla.
Your names are "Clark" and "Darla"?
- Yeah. - Mm-hm.
Oh my God, that is so cute!
I just wanna eat you both up!
Okay, I am gonna go to the little girl's room.
- Good. - And then we're outie.
- Okay. - Okay.
She's... uh, incoming.
Oh my God.
Check out that girl's ass. Huge!
It was so nice meeting you.
Mm. Darla.
She's adorable.
- And affectionate. - Christ sakes.
- Chris Brander, ladies and gentlemen! - Yes! You guys, so good...
Chris Brander? Chris Brander?
Holy...
I saw you at the Grammys sitting next to P. Diddy!
It's me Tim. You remember?
Oh, how could I forget you, Tim?
Hey, you got $5
that I can, like, have?
Yeah.
You keep living the dream, Tim.
Done!
Buh-bye now.
- Class of '95! - Class of '95!
Here's your money, bitch!
- He looks good. - Man, I can't believe...
wha... like what happened? Where did you go?
Hey, you know... just migrated west.
You know, I'm living the dream out there, I guess.
I just stayed with my dad for awhile, and...
yeah, hocked my soul for a record executive job...
and started... I mean I had an internship first
- a couple of years. - Uh-huh, right.
Jamie.
Jamie?
- Chris, hi! - Hi!
What are you doing down there?
Oh, I'm just busted!
How are you? Oh, shit. Hold on.
Wow!
Look at you!
Oh my God,
I can put my arms around you.
- You look so great! Look at this body! - Thank you.
- You're like a new man! - Yeah.
These arms and your belly,
and look at... pecs, and...
Wow! Chris Brander.
God. Jamie Palamino.
So, um... so how long are you in town for?
Um, just the night, actually.
Just one night, really? You can't stay any longer?
No. I wish I could, but l...
Let's go, Chris. There's pee on the floor.
- Yeah. - Okay, um...
all right, well...
- it's really great to see you again. - You too.
Oh.
Wow...
Just give me a call sometime.
I'm living with my parents.
Oh, I know. I'm living with my parents.
Okay, bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
- Jamie Pal. - Whoa!
She's like a box of fine wine.
You would know.
You know, in high school you'd never get a girl like that.
And now you get whoever you want.
I bet you could definitely hit Jamie Pal.
- Definitely. - Okay. Okay.
- Excuse me. - Oh yeah.
You go! Whoo!
- Hey! - Hey!
Look, there is a chance that my flight might be delayed an extra day.
- What are you doing tomorrow? - Um, nothing.
- Do you want to meet for lunch? - You mean like a day date?
Yeah.
Great!
Chris! Chris!
- I'll pick you up at noon. - Chris! Chris!
- Chris! Chris! Chris! - Awesome, I'm really...
- I'm busy! - I'm busy! Stupid dick!
- That sounds awesome. I'll see you then. - Bye.
Let's go.
- What was that all about? - Nothing.
It's just an old friend saying hi.
Yeah, well, let's keep it that way.
- It's not a handball. - My handball.
Meow. Meow.
* I used to know you when we were young *
* You were in all my dreams *
* We sat together in period one *
* Fridays at 8:15... *
- Whoa. - * But I will wait for you *
* As long as I need to *
* And if you ever get back to Hackensack *
* I'll be here for you. *
* Jesus Christ our savior was born upon this day *
* To save us all from Satan's power *
* When we were gone astray *
* Oh, tidings... *
Hey! Dumb-ass.
Wake up.
- Hey, wake up. - Ah! Agh!
Morning.
Ow ow!
Agh! What?
I need you to do me a favor.
What do you want from me?!
I ran into Jamie Palomino last night.
Oh, here we go again.
I'm not the same person I was in high-school, pal.
You'll always be fat to me, Chris.
What do you want from me?!
I need you to detain Samantha.
I could do that.
- Chris, wait! - It's a beautiful day.
What about Paris?
Look, Paris can wait. This is important. You don't wanna be
- out of touch with your audience, do you? - No.
No, well then, you need to connect with your audience,
you need to feed off their energy.
After all, they're the ones who're gonna be buying your album.
The problem is where in New Jersey are we gonna find
a proper cross-section of your fans?
- The mall? - A mall!
That's a great idea!
- We have so much in common! - I know!
- God. - Let's do it to it!
Whoa! I am not going with him!
Look, what better way to relate to your fans than to go with one?
In we go.
Hey! You're not coming with me?
- Hmm-mm. - No, sweetie. You need to do this alone.
- I can't be your crutch. - But l...
Watch your face!
Buckle up!
Great. That's good.
That's looking good.
Great, guys. Really good.
Mr. Palamino, how you doing?
Well well well,
if it isn't Mr. Valentine's Day!
This guy, every Valentine's Day, he'd buy Jamie like a dozen roses.
Used to drive all her boyfriends nuts!
Ha! Till we explained, of course, it was just her little friend Chris.
Yeah, I remember that.
You prick.
I see you still have the best Christmas display in town, sir.
- Hey! In the state! - Hey, Chris!
I'll be right out.
So, uh, how'd you lose all that weight?
Like that retard from Subway?
It was great talking to you, sir.
Are you kidding me?
I rented the nicest Porsche in New Jersey.
I'm just gonna play this whole thing aloof
and she's gonna be eating out of the palm of my hand in no time.
Gotta go.
Hey.
Wow! Porsche. Girls must love this.
I hate this stupid thing too. It's a rental.
So ostentatious. It's all they had left.
Hmm.
- God, this place hasn't changed a bit. - I know.
Are you sure that you don't want to go someplace else?
- No, we can't leave. We have history here. - History.
Oh my goodness, I remember you two.
Oh, you're not a chubby bunny anymore.
- Oh, my personal space. - I'll be right back.
I've got a little surprise for you.
Can't wait.
Haha! Chubby bunny!
Ahh! Thanks for reminding me I was fat.
So why did you disappear on me 10 years ago?
Uh, listen, about that...
Where you that mad at me?
Come on, Jamie. It was like 100 years ago, all right?
I'm not that pathetic little dweeb anymore.
You were never a dweeb, Chris.
- So, tell me about your job. - Oh my God.
You know, once you get over all the glamour, you know, it's uh...
- it's nothing but total insanity. - Mm.
You know, if it's not Pink calling you, then you got Good Charlotte...
it's Jay Z's birthday party, you know, and I'm totally name-dropping right now
and I'd really like to stop. Mick Jagger. How 'bout you?
You know, what happened to you? How'd you end up working at The Maple?
I don't work at The Maple.
I mean, I work at The Maple but I don't really work at The Maple.
- Yeah. - I'm studying to be a teacher
so I'm living at home and I'm working...
It's the coast. Be right back.
What happened to him?
* Five golden rings *
- * Four calling birds * - I don't care what your mommy said.
* Three French hens, two turtle doves *
Oh, this is gonna be a great song. "Mall People."
"Mall people, they come and go...
small people, they just don't know."
- How's it goin'? - Fantastic.
- How's it going with Jamie? - Treating her like
- every boyfriend she's ever had. - You da man!
- So I wanna run an idea by you. - No.
Since you're trying to hook up with Jamie, what if I went to Paris with Samantha
- instead of you? That way you... - No.
- You haven't heard the whole thing yet! - No.
You know what, just... just think about it and get back to me.
Ow!
- Oh my God! - I gotta go.
- So, how's the coast? - Super.
Here we go!
One grilled cheese with ranch on the side
and one Sugar Mountain Supreme for the chubby bunny.
Excuse me, um,
this-this... this isn't gonna work for me.
But this is what you always order.
Yeah. 10 years ago, when I was a whale.
The pancakes are fine. He's just kidding.
What?
- Be more rude! - She's rude! She's rude!
I haven't had sweets in 10 years, okay? Do you know
- what this would do to my stomach? - Relax, little girl.
I'll have the pancakes and you can have my sandwich, okay?
I'll just enjoy this glass of water.
I'm stuffed.
Good times. Good times!
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Thanks again for lunch. - Oh, I'll get your door.
Oh. Okay.
Shit.
- Whew! - Yeah.
Well, it was great seeing you again.
You too.
Yeah, glad I ran into you last night.
Yeah, it was a surprise.
Big surprise. Yeah.
It's cold out here.
Yeah, it is. It's like the South Pole.
It's like the deep South Pole if there was one.
There isn't, though.
Um, thanks for walking me to my door.
Yeah. Again, it was great seeing you...
again.
- You, too. - Yeah.
Take care. Uh...
Yeah, you too. Oh, uh...
- Oh. - That's good.
Ow!
- Take care. - You too.
Hmm.
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
What the hell?!
God!
Oh my God!
It's the South Pole! It's the deep South Pole?
It's the South Pole. The deep South Pole!
I don't think there is one, but if there was one
I bet it would be in the south!
- I left my gloves in the car. - Oh.
- There you go. - Thanks.
Hey, look who's here! What's up, Hollywood?
- How the big date go? - It was terrible.
I went in for a kiss, but she wants a hug, okay?
Then I get caught in a sort of kiss-hug limbo type thing.
I don't know what that is, then I ended up shaking her entire body.
So y-you gave her a body shake?
Oh, God! I should've just kissed her! What am I doing?
It looks like you picked up right where you left off.
You're back in the friend zone.
Oh, f-f...
What?
Little problem.
Okay, she's got a bit of a headache.
It's not that bad. Ha!
Oh my God!
What the hell happened to her?
Long story short, she fell.
Samantha, are you okay?
I'm gonna make bubble.
Dude, she's fine!
Look at her. She's having a good time. She's got her toothpaste.
All you had to do was watch her for a few hours. What did you do to her?
Nothing! She's just all loopy from all the Vicodin.
Where did you get the Vicodin?
Mom.
Blueberry!
Okay. I'm gonna kill you.
What?! You said detain her!
- You're a dead man, Mike! - She's detained!
Eww.
- My balls! - Oh.
You're dead.
No, Chris! No!
Chris...
Chris, no!
- My boss! Truce! - Truce!
- Okay.
- Hello? - Nyah!
Hey, Chrissy!
How's my future star doing?
Great. She's doing great, sir.
So let me... let me... let me say hi to her.
Uh, she's a little incapacitated at the moment.
Oh, a little incapacitated, that's my baby, that's my boy!
Look, when you two get back, I've got this incredible marketing campaign
lined up for the spring quarter. Our number one priority:
- Samantha James! - Awesome.
Three two, one!
Ho-ho-ho.
- Yeah-ha-ha! Yeah! - Merry Christmas!
It's a Palamino Christmas!
Again!
- Hello? - Jamie.
- Hey. - What's up?
Listen, you're never gonna believe this, but I can't get a flight out.
- I'm stuck here another day. - Oh.
I want to apologize for earlier.
- Let me make it up to you. - I taste good.
Do you want to go ice skating?
- I thought you hated ice skating. - I used to,
but you know, I'm actually pretty damn good now.
I'm the MVP in my league, in fact.
Come on, it'll be like old times.
- Hello, Joyce? - Mom? I'm on the phone.
Oh! Well, Chris, what are you doing over at Joyce's?
No, Mom. I'm in the living room, 10 feet away from you
- and I'm on the phone. - Oh.
Well, you know, I was wondering
while I have you on the phone, what would you like for dinner?
We-we have a choice between chicken chow mein or pot roast.
Mom. Please.
Mom!
- Mom! - What is it, peanut?
Where are my ice skates?
Oh, honey, I gave those away years ago.
Are you serious? I need them.
Well, honey, why would I keep them? You're never here.
Besides, you-you weren't terribly good at ice skating.
Well, I'm good now!
And I need my skates to show off my talents.
Oh, well, honey, I'm sure you can rent a pair.
Besides, you don't have to show off for Jamie.
Just... just be yourself.
* Be yourself *
* Be yourself, be yourself. *
Now, come on! Mikey and I are making snow angels!
I don't want to be myself.
My snow globe collection.
* Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way *
* Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh... *
- Oof! Stupid rental skates. - Ooh!
You know what? You're a lot better than before.
- I'm wearing figure skates from the '30s. - Here, let me help you.
Okay, I can do it myself, okay? I'm good. I'm good now.
Hey.
- So... - So...
- How's the love life? - Lame.
- Marty and I broke up a year ago. - Ooh, another jerk, huh?
- "Another jerk, huh?" - I'm kidding...
I'm just saying you dated a lot of jerks
back in high school, that's all.
So how about you? You in love with anyone besides yourself?
No.
I've really just been dating, you know?
Just trying to look for my soulmate.
You didn't buy that, did you?
Maybe you should try harder.
Or I could try this.
Oh...
Hey guys, it's Miss Palamino!
Yay!
Hi, guys.
Sarah and Joey and Brett. Hi!
- What, you... you know these kids? - Yeah, I substitute teach
- their class. - Hey, um, we're having a pickup game.
We could use some more bodies. You guys play?
You know Chris is a great player, but he has rentals.
- A good skater can skate in anything. - Yeah!
I'm in.
Okay, guys. Keep it clean.
- Oof! - Shoot it!
Get it in! And goal!
- What was that?! - You're pathetic!
I'm sorry, okay?
It's just these damn rental skates.
It's fine. Just don't cuss in front of the children.
Potty mouth.
Get him, Terry!
Ow!
He hacked me!
Wanna fight, punk?
- What, are you kidding me? - Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
All right, all right, break it up, break it up.
What is your problem? She's just a child.
- That's a girl? - Pussy!
- Yeah! - All right!
Okay, listen. We're getting creamed out there.
- It's his fault. - You suck, Brander.
- Hey. - I brand you "Suckster."
- Oh my... that's enough. - Hey.
Now Chris is trying his best here.
Sorry, Miss Palamino, but he's just so terrible.
- I'm not terrible. - Suckster! Suckster! Suckster! Suckster!
- Maybe you should call it a day. - No, I can do this!
- Suckster! Suckster. Suckster! Suckster... - Hey!
I'm a really good skater, little girl!
Watch! You might learn something!
I'm taking this one.
Me?
Ah!
Chris, no!
Ahh!
No!
No slap shots!
Suckster! Suckster!
Suckster!
Suckster! Suckster!
- What a schmuck. - Don't worry, Chris. You're gonna be fine.
Oh...
- Wow. - Well, it looks like I was
- in the right place at the right time, Miss... - Yeah.
Palamino? Jamie Palamino.
- Dusty Dinkleman? - Ah, yeah.
Actually, I go by "Dusty Lee" now, but yeah.
- "Dutty Nee?" - Thanks for saving me.
Yay, Dusty!
- You remember Chris Brander? - Eeh.
- Boo... - Oh, yeah.
Seen better days, I guess, huh, pal?
Hey, listen, I don't want to make this weird,
but you look incredible.
- So do you. - Really glad you dropped in.
Ow!
Cool...
Sorry about that, buddy.
Here we go.
Late '20s. Male Caucasian
with multiple lacerations on lower mandible and possible concussion.
Transport en route, over.
- 104. - So, uh, Jamie,
- you still living in town? - Oh, yeah, I just moved back.
Oh, really? Me too.
- It's a small world. - No kidding.
Jeez, you know,
I cannot get over how great you look.
Oh, pfft. Me? Look at you!
Yeah, I guess my skin cleared up
and I lost my stammer,
but I still play a mean guitar.
I'm actually only doing this part-time till I can make it in music.
You know, Chris is in the music business too. He could probably help you.
Oh, hey. Easy there, Gretzky.
Shh.
You know, we should hang out, you know, have lunch sometime?
I would love to have lunch.
Um, where can I give you my phone number?
Just write it on this.
Jamie Palamino.
This is bullshit!
You haven't aged a peep.
What do you know about Dusty Dinkleman?
- You mean Dusty Lee? - Yeah.
Works in the building, drives ambulance. Why?
Well check this out. So I'm out with Jamie again...
Another day date?
Yes. Anyway,
we're having a great time
and then Dusty shows up out of nowhere,
and then Jamie gives him her number.
Hey, didn't Dusty have like a huge crush on Jamie?
- Uh... - Yeah, you got some
competition there, Chris. I mean, Dusty is a really nice guy.
Yeah, well Jamie doesn't date nice guys.
She puts them in the friend zone
and then tortures the shit out of them.
I don't know. Jamie's come a long way since high school.
I think she might be maturing.
Maturing?
So that's why she went with Dusty.
She wants a sensitive guy...
more like the old me.
Well, if she wants Mr. Rogers,
then I'm going to show her
the biggest pussy she's ever seen.
Yeah.
Okay, we're done. Now, uh...
you're gonna need to wear this for the next few days
until those stitches are ready to come out.
And here you go. Huh? Just like your old yearbook picture.
* Feel my love from afar. *
Come in!
- Can I come in? - I just said that.
I brought magazines.
Ugh, these are old.
- Flowers? - Those are daisies.
- How about snacks? - Carbs? Are you kidding me?
I can't eat that crap.
I'm just trying to be helpful.
Well you're not. So vamoose.
- I guess I'll just leave you now. - No, wait wait.
I'm sorry I'm being such a biatch.
It's just that I'm supposed to be in Paris and I'm not,
and I'm going out of my mind with boredom!
I mean, my Sidekick broke and l...
I haven't had sex in, like, forever.
And I'm so horny.
I'm horny.
Wait a minute.
- How old are you? - I'm 22... 20... 19...
I'm... I'm 18.
Eighteen.
So do you really have my poster on your wall?
- Yeah. - Do you ever like...
All the time.
How many times in a day?
- Eight. - Eight?!
Eight? Oh my God, that's hot.
- You're hot. - I know, I know.
- Oh, ow. - Are you okay?
Oh, my back is killing me.
Oh, I could give you a massage.
Oh, would you mind?
Not at all.
- Oopsie, I'm naked. - You're naked.
Do you have any oil?
Right back.
What took you so long?
- Show me what you've got, baby. - Okay.
Baby, ooh!
Ooh, more more!
- Okay, enough. Enough! - Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Hey hey. Merry Christmas, neighbor.
Gee... hey!
- Ooh, yeah. - Mikey likey,
- Mikey likey, Mikey likey, Mikey likey... - Yeah...
Oh! Where the hell have you been?!
I was getting you food.
- Are you wearing braces? - It's not braces.
It's a retainer and it's not that bad.
- Ha, you look like a doofus! - Doofus!
Doofus! Doofus!
Doof...
Chris?
Mommy.
So pretty.
Honey, look what just came for you.
It's a "Get well soon" card from Jamie.
- Boo. - Oh yeah?
What do you think of that, huh?
It's hugs and kisses, dude. Mom writes that on my cards.
That's because I love you both so much.
Thanks, Mommy.
Oh, God.
Truce!
Total pussy.
You're the biggest pussy on planet Earth.
It's you.
- Hello? - Jamie!
- Chris! How are you feeling? - So much better.
Listen, I know it's Christmas Eve,
- but do you have any plans tonight? - No.
Well...
the revival theater in town
is showing Nicholas Sparks's "The Notebook."
Huh?
- Hello? I'm on the phone. - Really you want to see "The Notebook"?
Yes, because I love sentimental tear-jerkers.
I'm gonna friggin' puke.
Just a second.
- You are so dead. Do you hear me? - Whatever, dude.
- What're you doing over there? - Faggot.
- Nothing. - Ooh, that's my call-waiting. One second.
- So, anyway... - Hello?
- Hey, Jamie. It's Dusty. - Hey, Dusty.
Hey, listen, just...
Dude, I think she left you hanging.
It's probably just an important business call. Get off the phone.
- What, the bar ran out of curly fries? - Get off the phone.
Dude, are you gonna boink Jamie tonight?
Yes. Are you happy now?
All right.
- Dude, "The Notebook"'s so gay. - Get off the phone!
- Sorry about that. - That's okay.
- So anyway, what do you say? - About what?
Going to a movie tonight? Then maybe later
we can go for some, uh... herbal tea.
Okay, sure.
Um... You know what? You're on my way to the theater.
Why don't I pick you up at like 7:30?
- It's a date. - Homo.
- Bye for now. - Bye.
Mom! Mom! Truce!
- Paris, here we come! - Mm.
- But I'm not ready to play a gig. - Of course you are.
No. No.
No!
- This is a bad idea, Chris. - God, I'm so stupid!
- No you're not, baby. - Here I am, trying to nurture this artist,
yet you're this pop bubblegum sensation,
and that's okay.
Paris, here we come!
But I am an artist. I am an artist!
Hey! I am an artist!
- Let's go do this. - Are you ready for this?
I was born ready, bitch.
- I'm really excited about this. - Yeah, me too.
- Yeah. - Okay, let's do this.
Yeah.
- Hey! Wait! You're not coming with me? - Of course I am.
Mike's just giving you a ride to the gig.
I'm gonna stay here, I'm gonna do some administrative work
and I'm gonna meet you there.
It's open mic night at The Coffee House.
Coffee House is lame, dude. Come on...
all right!
Think fast. Boop!
Oh!
Ow!
* And I swear *
- * By the moon and the stars... * - Jesus.
- * In the skies... * - Looks like the Michael Bolton starter kit.
* I'll be there *
* And I swear *
* Like a shadow that's by your side. *
Showtime.
Come on! How long does it...
- Mistletoe. - Hello.
- Oh my God! - Jamie! How are you?
You've grown into such a beautiful young woman,
hasn't she, Chris?
Ding-dong.
Dusty. Hey. Why?
Are you kidding, man? I love "The Notebook".
I mean, listen, I know it might sound
a little corny, maybe even a little femme,
but I find something so resplendent
in the simplicity of Nicholas Sparks' writing, you know what I mean?
Nice outfit, by the way. Rock and roll.
Carol?
Oh my God.
- Carol... - Dusty, oh my goodness.
- This is old-home week. - Oh, absolutely.
- Is it okay that Dusty came? - Oh, it's awesome that Dusty came.
Thank you. - Okay.
...in the hospital. We got... - Dust!
Hey, let's hit the road.
Well, you kids have fun.
Oh, Carol, why don't you come join us?
She's vacuuming.
W-well, I'd love to, but l... I wouldn't want to impose.
- Oh, no imposition at all! - No.
We'd love to have you, wouldn't we, Chris?
Yeah, rad. Awesome.
Mom's coming. That's good.
- There's a group now. - Yes!
- It was us. It was us. - Oh, my darling.
Oh my sweetheart.
I love you so much.
- How much time do we have? - I'm not sure.
Last time it was no more than five minutes.
I love you, angel.
What happened to me?
This is so gay.
Oh, Dusty...
Son of a bitch! Huh?
Peanut.
Oh, no.
* Forgiveness... *
Show us your tits!
- * Is more than saying sorry. * - Hey! Ashlee Simpson!
Forgive this!
Dusty, what kind of car is this?
Carol, this little Japanese princess here is called the Prius.
I think it's so neat that you kids
care about the environment.
- I love the environment. - But honey, don't you drive
a Range Rover? Aren't those bad?
Well, I had a really nice time tonight,
and I hope we can do it again soon.
Hey, Dusty, thanks for comin'.
Oh, listen, man, it was my pleasure, really.
Thank you all for having me. It was so nice.
And hey, before I forget, make sure
that you rinse that thing at least twice a day, okay?
Your mouth is a disgusting open cesspool
with germs and bacteria. Now put that back!
- Christopher, put that back. - Put it back!
Thanks.
Hey, anyone want some cocoa?
Oh, Carol, you are so sweet!
And I would love to do that, except I volunteered at the hospital
so that Paul could spend Christmas Eve with his family.
- So, I kinda gotta get going. - Aw.
That's a drag. God!
Hey, Jamie, what about you?
- Ready? - Give me a Cougar roar. Cougar roar!
Aw.
Cookie Monster says the Cougars are
great big cookies
at the top of the jar.
Ladies and Gentleman, the amazing Chris Brander.
Oh my gosh, I remember this.
He juggles three tennis balls, but gets bored very quickly
and wants something else.
Shh-shh-shh, clear!
Clear!
No kissing!
That's right, Jamie Palamino,
you're my best friend!
I love you, Chris Brander. Mwha!
Mwha, mwha, mwha!
Oh, your mom's car. You see, this is more like you.
Yeah, I'm gonna take it back to L.A.
- What? - Guess what I found?
- No, the tape I made you? - 1995.
- "The Summer of Like." - Put it in.
* Dun-nun-de-dun de-dun-dun-dun *
Oh, God.
- Oh! - Oh my God,
I just peed a little.
- Good night, guys. - Good night, Chris.
What's up?
- Little problem. - Where are you?
- The Metal Shop. - What?!
Hey! Hey, ow! Ow!
- That's it, bitch. It's on! - Come on!
Ah! I'm gonna kill you! Not so funny now, bitch, huh?!
- Not so funny now?! - I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
* Christmas, Christmas, the happiest day of the year... *
Kudos on the Christmas cookies, Mom.
Thanks, pumpkin. I'll be back in an hour.
* Where sleigh bells ringing and go jingle-ling *
* As we're dashing through the snow *
* Christmas, Christmas *
* So, Jesus, hear our song... *
- What's up, Dude? - Quiet, she's sleeping.
I'm going over to Jamie's.
- Did you boink her yet? - Shut it.
If she wakes up, tell her I went to meet Bono.
- You're gonna meet Bono? I wanna come. - No, you walking void,
it's a lie, but if she wakes up just tell her I'll be back in a bit.
- Fine! - Fine!
- I love you. - I love you too.
* Christmas, Christmas *
- * The happiest day of the year * - Mike!
Oh, God!
* Spreading Christmas cheer *
* We wish you a Merry Christmas *
* We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year *
This is pathetic!
* Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin *
* Good tidings for Christmas *
- * And a Happy New Year * - Oh shit!
Thank you, guys. Thank you.
Encore! Encore! Encore!
Okay, all right, one more time.
- One more time. Okay. - Oh yeah!
Here we go. You guys, you know,
Christmas is the time for giving.
And the most precious gift that you can give...
- is your heart. - Aww.
Jamie Palamino, this is my gift to you.
* When Jamie smiles *
* It takes me miles *
* From where I feel unsure *
* When Jamie smiles *
* I realize *
* She's no ordinary girl *
* Hm-mm-mm... *
* No ordinary girl *
* Oh-oh-hhh... *
- Where's Chris?! - I'll never tell you anything!
Oh yeah?
- He's with his lover. - * Deck the halls with bows of holly *
* Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la *
* 'Tis the season to be jolly *
* Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la *
Dude, Jamie's outside. What are you doing up here?
I'm getting my butt kicked by Dinkleman,
that's what I'm doing up here.
You see him play that guitar? It's like he has 15 fingers.
Everybody loves him. I can't compete with this guy.
You can't compete with this... are you kidding me?
You're Chris Brander! You're Hollywood. You date models!
He's Jersey. He skis in his jeans!
It's Dinkleman.
It's Dusty Dinkleman.
- Dinkleman. - Dinkleman.
- Dinkleman!
- Dinkleman. - Dinkleman's going down.
Dinkleman... is going way down.
Atta boy.
Now you get out there and you tell Jamie how you feel!
- Let's do this. - Atta boy.
Good ol' Chris Brander, ladies and gentlemen!
*... Iooked down on the Feast of Stephen *
* When the snow lay round about *
* Deep and crisp and even *
* Brightly shone the moon that night *
* Though the frost was cruel *
What the...
* It's the most wonderful time of the year... *
The jig is up! Run!
You son of a bitch!
Samantha! You're here! Shit!
There she is. There's the little slut
you've been banging behind my back!
- Me? - Not you, wrinkles. Her!
- Who are you? - Oh...
- I'm Samantha James, bitch! - Don't shove me!
- You're a whore! Santa's little whore! - Get off!
- Santa's little whore! - Cat fight!
- Get out! - You're gonna pay for this.
I'm gonna get you fired!
Hope you enjoy unemployment, dickweed!
Get off me, God boy!
But Samantha, What about the words to your song? "Forgiveness"!
Forgive this, asshole.
Oh...
I hate this town!
Call me.
- Chris? - Yeah.
- Little problem. - Hm?
Duck!
- Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho! - No! Not Santa!
Whoa! Flaming reindeer.
Wow! You don't see that every day.
Hey Chris, it's Samantha. I just talked to my sponsor
and I owe you an apology.
It's Samantha... Call me...
It's Samantha!
Hello, Joyce?
Joyce?
Go away.
Go away!
Mom, I said I have a tummy ache.
Well that was an interesting Christmas.
I'm sorry. I'll pay for everything.
I'm not here to collect.
What are you doing here?
I want to talk to the guy who wrote me this.
Wow.
- Mmm... want some more? - No. Gallon's my limit.
Oh, excuse me if I'm not one of your stick models.
"I'm Chris Brander. I hang out with Good Charlotte and Pink.
- I go to Jay Z's birthday party..." - Okay, okay. All right.
- Thank you very much. I get it. I was lame. - Yeah.
Actually, I was nervous, but uh, more importantly,
does this hat make me look fat?
So...
is your life everything you'd hoped it'd be?
I always thought that if I had a huge career
and famous clients and tons of money
that I'd be happy.
And the truth is...
I was right.
I love it. Especially the money. Ooh.
You're so bad!
What about you?
Let's put you in the hot seat, huh?
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Um, well, I see myself teaching.
And I see myself getting married
and raising a family.
What?
It's gettin' late.
Why don't I take you home?
Or...
I could sleep over like old times.
God.
- Hi. - Wow.
- Ahhh. - Ahhh.
- Here we are. - Yeah.
Yeah. Hmm.
This is it.
You're finally gonna have sex with Jamie Palamino.
Oh God, look at that face. Look at that body.
Why are you smiling like a friggin' idiot?
Go on, make a move.
Make a move!
What's on your mind?
Bush.
President Bush, The First Family, really.
Dude, you're killing me!
This is the girl of your dreams. Ravish her!
But what if she doesn't want to be ravished?
What if she wants to stay friends? Friends don't ravish each other?
Friends watch "New Year's Rockin' Eve."
I wonder who's hosting this year?
Chris, can you put your feet on mine? They're freezing.
Yeah.
Hell yeah. Her feet aren't even cold.
This is it.
Don't even think about how weird tomorrow's gonna be.
- Chris. - Oh, God. Oh, God.
What're you doing? Where're you going?
- Is everything all right? - Oh, everything's fine.
Yeah. You okay? Uh, you need another blanket or anything?
- No, I'm fine. - Ah.
You're not gonna make a move, are you?
- Good night, Jamie. - Good night, Chris.
You don't deserve a penis.
God, and we had this great night
and we were laughing
and we were showing each other old pictures and...
- Did he try anything? - No!
- Did you try anything? - No, but I put myself out there.
I mean, I wore the sexy white shirt
and I did the whole cold-feet move and we slept in the same bed.
What the hell is wrong with you? I mean, why didn't you sleep with her?
- Oh, I know. I had her. - I mean, are you two
on the same menstrual cycle yet or what?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe I just don't compare to these L.A. Girls.
Look, the timing just wasn't right, you know?
I'm... I'm laying there. I'm about to make my move
and then suddenly it just hits me.
Where's this going?
What happens after we sleep together?
Does she move to L.A.? Do I move back here?
Jesus, Dude. I thought you just wanted to sleep with her.
Maybe he just wants to be friends.
Maybe he's gay.
I can't just sleep with Jamie Palamino. We have a history.
- We're... we're... we're... we're... - Friends.
God damn it!
I'm right back in high school again, you know?
I gotta follow my own advice. I gotta just walk away.
No, put me on the 3:00.
The sooner I get out of here, the better.
- You sure about this? - No.
* When Janice smiles... *
- Janice? - * I realize *
* She's no ordinary *
* Girl. *
Hey listen. I gotta hang out
with my friends over there, okay?
- I'll talk to you tonight. - Whoo!
- What's up, homies? - You tell me.
- What's with the nurse? - Oh, Janice.
Oof, another bee in the hive, my friend,
- just another bee. - Well, what about Jamie?
What about her? I mean, hey,
it's great, right? Two biggest geeks back in the day
now finally have a shot with the hottest chick in high school?
- You can't write that stuff, my friend. - Hey, are you kidding me?
Oh, come on, man. Cut the nice guy routine.
I know what you're up to and I am all for it.
I mean it is gonna be sweet revenge on Jamie Palamino
for keeping us in the friend zone all those years.
Oh, yeah, you wish you were in the friend zone.
I was in the friend zone. Friend zone's mine.
- Dusty, popcorn's ready. - Copy that, I'm mobile.
- Listen, I gotta run. - The man's juice!
You guys have a nice time. It's been nice seeing you.
Have fun with Jamie. I know I will. Clark, always a pleasure.
- Dinkleman. - Son of a bitch.
So we're looking at day cares.
And Darla's got this one picked out for TJ and it's great.
And you know, don't get me wrong, I want the best for my kid.
I mean he deserves the best
but Tiny Tots is just too... oh, Mariah Carey!
What the hell are you doing?!
This is a Pontiac Grand Prix!
I'm sorry, okay?!
But I can't let Dinkleman get away with this!
I refuse to sit back and let Jamie get used by another asshole!
You could've asked! L.A. Guys are so dramatic.
- I'm sorry! - Okay.
- * Christmas, Christmas... * - Oh my God.
You know, one good snowfall and you won't see any of this.
* Where sleigh bells ringing and go jingle-ling *
* Spreading Christmas cheer. *
Hi, Mr. Palamino. How are you?
Come to destroy the rest of the house, huh?
Look, I'm really sorry about yesterday.
- Ho-ho-ho. - And that.
Look, I know you hate me, but I need to speak with Jamie. Where is she?
- She's gone off with Mr. Lee. - Dry cleaner?
- No. Dusty, you jackass. - Where are they?
- * I've been workin' on the railroad... * - No, Chris! This way.
* All the livelong day *
* I've been workin' on the railroad *
* Just to pass the time away *
* Can't you hear the whistle blowing?
* Rise so early in the morn' *
- Dinkleman! - * Can't you hear the captain shouting? *
- Chris, what're you doing here? - I need to talk to you.
Dusty!
Yes!
- I really need to speak with you! - This next number
- is for your favorite teacher and mine. - Let's go.
She put this wonderful concert together for all of us.
Give a big round of applause to Miss Jamie Palamino.
* When Jamie smiles *
* It takes me miles *
* From where I've... *
God, I still can't believe he wrote me that song.
Oh I can. He's been working on that song since high school, remember?
It's like the stalker's national anthem.
Not to mention I already heard that song today,
only it was Janice's eyes that made him smile.
- Janice? Who's Janice? - A nurse with really big boobs
that works at the medical center. A girl I saw him kissing earlier tonight.
Dusty's a Jersey player, Jamie!
He's out for revenge on you
for putting him in the friend zone in high school.
What are you talking about?
The guy's looking for the anger bang!
Amazing! That's exactly what he said about you.
- Don't you see what's happening here? - Oh, I don't know.
The guy's just out-playing me, that's all.
Oh, it's about you! Now he's out-playing you!
- W-what am I, a game? - No!
Would you guys like to join us in a carol
- to celebrate the birth of our Lord? - No!
My God, don't! Dusty! Don't!
- Dinkleman! - What is the matter with you?
This is a Christmas concert for children!
- You liar! - Suckster's not your boyfriend, is he?
- No, he's not! - 'Cause we like Dusty.
Dusty! Dusty! Dusty! Dusty!
- Ugh! - Dusty! Dusty! Dusty...!
Oooh!
I'm being framed! I'm being framed!
- Dusty! - Dinkleman!
Man, when you come back to town, you come back to town!
Huh? Huh? Look, don't sweat it.
W-w-we'll go to The Maple tonight
You can apologize to Jamie
and everything will be just... just peachy.
Okay, yep, good. Thanks, Clark, for everything.
See you in another 10 years. Guess not.
How'd it go with Jamie last night? You boink her?
That would be a no.
Raise you hand if your brother's a homo!
All right. Keep in touch!
You believe that? Not one taxi, not one.
Stupid town. I gotta take the bus!
Dude, bus sucks!
Yes! I am outta here!
So long, Sucktown! Kiss my ass!
Hey, Mr. Bus Driver Man.
Hey...
pull my finger. Come on, pull my finger.
- Aw! - Yoo-hoo!
- Great. - Jamie!
- Whoa, miss, miss. W-w-whoa. - What? What, what, wha...
- what, Chris? What do you want? - I just want to apologize.
I'm sorry. I was out of line, okay?
- You're an asshole. - Oh, my... I was...
Hey, I'm gonna get you a cab and take you home, huh?
- She's so sensitive! - You blew it. I'm winning.
- You're the Devil. - So go ahead, just go sleep it off.
You'll be right as rain in the morning, brother.
Chris, you're drunk! Go home!
I'm not drunk. What's this?
Ooh. "Simply Dusty"
Is there any other kind? That's adorable.
Do you know what else is adorable? You two.
Hey! Stop bringing Dusty into your problems, okay?
Dusty and I are fine.
- Dusty and I are friends. - Right!
- Not for too long, I hope. - Yeah...
Wait, what?
Slow down. What did you just say?
Jamie, listen, I've been meaning to talk to you.
L... about our relationship.
Maybe we could take the next step or something?
Dusty, can I be honest with you?
- I think you're a really nice guy. - Thank you.
I think you're funny and charming and sweet,
and I just don't have those feelings for you.
- You're kidding. - No.
Whew!
Okay, 'cause... cause I wrote you that song and everything,
you know, and I worked really hard on it
and what kind of girl would you be if you didn't put out for the guy that wrote
- you that song, you know what mean? - Huh?
F-this. I'm mobile.
Ah-ha!
I'm gonna miss him!
- Oh! - Ow!
- What? Heh. - Eh!
Get off me, Chris! Why are you here?
Why do you keep messing with my head?
I messed with your head for three days.
You've been torturing me since the sixth grade!
So that's what this is about?
Because I wouldn't screw you in high school? Get over yourself!
Oh, after years of you being the biggest tease,
trust me, I'm so over myself.
Oh, so now I'm the tease.
I practically throw myself at you
the other night and you did nothing!
And now you know how it feels.
I'm outta here.
Yeah, there you go. Just walk away like you always do!
Oh, no no no. I'm-I'm not walking away.
I'm running back to my great life in L.A.!
- Great. Well, have fun. - Oh, you have fun...
being the girl who peaked in high school.
- Ooohh! - You slap like a cheerleader.
Bye, Chris.
And stay out!
I've always wanted to say that.
How did you get in here?
My bodyguard let me in.
I was making cookies.
Oh, I was trying to be all domesticated
like that skank you were banging behind my back.
Please leave me alone.
No, sh-sh-sh-sh!
Hugs and kisses!
It's all good, baby, it's all good.
By making me jealous on purpose you inspire me to write the best songs,
you know, full of angst and hate!
You like that. You and I are gonna be
the greatest musical manager team
since Jessica Simpson and her father...
only we get to "mreow" and they can't,
'cause it's illegal. I looked it up.
This is the new and improved "Forgiveness."
* Forgiveness *
* Is more than sayin' sorry *
Are you sorry? Ha ha!
* Forgiveness. *
- No. - No?
- No more. - But I've forgiven you!
- It's just like the song... - Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh...
This isn't about you.
It's cool, you can have other girls. I like girls.
Darla!
I don't want other girls.
I want one girl.
- That's not you. - Hmph.
Look. I'll call...
Ouch.
- Why don't you like me? - It's a little hard to answer
with a taser in my balls!
This is about Santa's little whore, isn't it?
Ooh yeah, it's go time.
Hey, hey, hey! It's not go time!
This isn't how it works, Samantha.
You can't force or-or torture someone into liking you.
Ooh, the big speech.
No! You just have to put yourself out there
and hope that they like you back.
This isn't a game! This is my life!
Oh, yeah, well, this is my life!
Okay? I'm sorry.
I'm not the most boring person ever!
Okay? I'm sorry I'm not poor!
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry I don't have a fat ass!
I'm sorry I'm not... where're you going?
* Missed the last train home *
* Birds pass by to tell me that I'm not alone *
* Well, I'm pushing myself to finish this part... *
Hey! Hey, where is she?
* I handle a lot walking on this *
* It's in your eyes, open your eyes *
* Open eyes, open your eyes *
* Open your eyes *
* Open your eyes. *
Hi.
Jamie. Look, Jamie!
I said a lot of really crappy things the other night
and I'm sorry about that.
I haven't been a very good friend to you and I'm sorry, okay?
I just... the truth is I'm-I'm afraid to be your friend
'cause I'm always gonna want more.
But then I got to thinking that-that
I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.
You know what? That's a lie too.
Why are you back here?
Because I want to take you on a date.
And I don't care if it's in the day or at night
or whenever, as long as it's a real date.
And I want to tell you how beautiful I think you are inside and out.
And I want to have babies with you
and I want to marry you and I love you.
Jamie, I always have.
Mmm. Ow!
Sorry. Just, uh...
20 years all at once!
Unbelievable!
Suckster's making out with Mrs. P!
What is she thinking?
- Hey, Sarah, do you want my last cookie? - Oh, thanks, Brett!
Hey, Joey, do you want some of my cookie?
Don't mind if I do.
- You're such a good friend, Brett. - The bestest!
Ahh.
Oh, shit!
* I swear *
* By the moon and the stars *
* In the skies *
* I'll be there *
* And I swear *
* Like the shadow *
* That's by your side *
* I'll be there *
* For better or worse *
* Till death do us part *
* I'll love you with every beat of my heart *
* And I swear *
* Oh-hh *
* Hahh-aah... *
* I'll give you everything *
* I can *
* I'll build your dreams *
* With these two hands *
* We'll hang some memories *
* On the walls *
- * And when * - * And when *
* Just the two of us are there *
* You won't have to ask *
* If I still care *
* 'Cause as the time turns the page *
* My love won't age at all *
- * And I swear * - * And I swear *
* By the moon and the stars *
* In the skies *
- * I'll be there * - * I'll be there *
- * And I swear * - * And I swear *
* Like the shadow that's by your side *
- * I'll be there * - * I'll be there *
* For better or worse *
* Till death do us part *
* I'll love you with every beat of my heart *
- * And I swear * - * Oh, yeah *
* And I swear *
* By the moon and the stars *
* In the skies *
- * I'll be there * - * I'll be there *
* And I swear *
* Like the shadow *
- * That's by your side * - * That's by your side *
- * I'll be there * - * I'll be there *
- * For better or worse * - * Better or worse *
- * Till death do us part * - * Oh no *
* I'll love you with every beat of my heart *
* And I swear *
* I swear *
* Oh, whoa, I... *
* Swear. *
Mike!
* Forgiveness *
* Is more than saying sorry *
* Sorry sorry sorry *
* Forgiveness *
* Means accepting people's flaws *
* Flaws flaws flaws *
* To forgive is divine *
* So let's have a glass of wine *
* And have makeup sex *
* Until the end of *
* Time *
* Forgiveness *
* Does not mean compromising *
* Let's forgive and forget *
* And solve this African debt *
* Just like the Cheshire Cat *
* Who says, "Mreow! You're running out of time!" *
* Time time time time time, wreeow! *
* Forgiveness *
You'll always be fat to me, Chris!
* Forgiveness *
God damn it! Come on, Dusty.
* Forgiveness *
Not happy!
* Forgiveness *
Hello, Joyce? Joyce?
Oh my God!
Then said Jesus, "Father, forgive them
for they know not what they do."
If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?
I won't apologize.
I don't forgive you.
You can forgive, but you can't forget.
Where are you?
* Forgiveness *
Time time time time
time time time time.