1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:13,080 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:17,920 Are You going to Be My Girl by Jet 3 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:19,960 Ladies and gentlemen, 4 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:23,560 please welcome your host for tonight... 5 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:27,560 CHEERING 6 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:29,800 Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine 7 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,320 Yes, Apollo! 8 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:37,320 Let's hear ya! 9 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:38,920 Hammersmith, make some noise! 10 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:46,360 Yes, friends. 11 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:47,960 Yes. Thank you for being here tonight. 12 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,680 Are we good, Hammersmith? 13 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,200 CHEERING 14 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:52,640 Oh, baby, yeah. 15 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,120 Can I say that feels good? 16 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,640 I'm just going to get this out of the way - 17 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,760 I played a gig at the weekend 18 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,120 and it didn't go so well. 19 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:01,800 I played the Hair Awards. 20 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,760 LAUGHTER 21 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:05,600 Let me tell you, as a bald man, 22 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:07,640 that's a long four hours. 23 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,880 LAUGHTER 24 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,400 You know the worst thing of it? 25 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:12,760 At the end of the Hair Awards, 26 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,840 the guy organising it came over to me and he goes, 27 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,760 "Well done tonight, mate. Nice one. Here's a goodie bag." 28 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,080 LAUGHTER 29 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,040 What am I going to do with a goodie...? 30 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:22,560 There was volumizer in there! 31 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,960 I'm like, that's like giving a goldfish a parachute. 32 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,000 LAUGHTER 33 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,400 Can I make an admission? Are we friends? Can I tell you a secret? 34 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:31,920 SCATTERED CHEERS 35 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,400 I'm as high as a kite. 36 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,440 LAUGHTER 37 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,280 Absolutely off my swede, 38 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:39,800 and not in an old-school way, I've not been at the coke. 39 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,520 No, I'm on co-codamol. 40 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:42,800 LAUGHTER 41 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,640 The dad's drug. 42 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:47,560 Let me break it down - I was putting my daughter to bed this evening, 43 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:48,880 which, weirdly, is the time 44 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:51,080 I usually like a couple of lines of cocaine. 45 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,520 LAUGHTER 46 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,560 I find the Gruffalo's a better book when you're off your nut. 47 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,000 LAUGHTER 48 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:01,840 "The mouse took a stroll... 49 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,600 "..through the deep, dark wood." 50 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,440 "Don't cry, Dad." 51 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,800 "It's the Gruffalo, no-one understands him." 52 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,800 It's a weird thing. I put my daughter to bed... 53 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,440 I don't know if... How many parents have we got in the room? 54 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:16,600 Make some noise, parents. 55 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:17,760 CHEERING 56 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:18,960 It's a bizarre... 57 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,840 I'm still struggling with the whole sleep thing. 58 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,640 For example, when my daughter does go to sleep, when she is sleeping, 59 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:25,000 I'm in there every five minutes 60 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,720 just to make sure she's still breathing. 61 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:29,320 I don't know if you do this thing, running in, going... 62 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:31,560 LAUGHTER 63 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,560 "She's all right. She's fine. She's... 64 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,480 "Just check again. Just check again. 65 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:36,560 "She's fine. She's OK. 66 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:38,360 "Actually, just check one more time. 67 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:39,560 "Have to do the pulse thing." 68 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,320 I worry I'm still doing that when she's 21. 69 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,680 LAUGHTER 70 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,880 "Sorry, mate. Just..." 71 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:49,360 LAUGHTER 72 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,280 "Just checking she's..." 73 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,920 "Didn't know you were staying over." 74 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,640 LAUGHTER 75 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,520 "You were only dropping off a pizza." 76 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,120 LAUGHTER 77 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,280 We're going for a thing at the moment with her 78 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,440 where you put her to bed, 79 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,600 and you have to wait now for about seven hours 80 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,200 until she actually goes to sleep. 81 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,080 You have to sit in the room until she's into a deep, deep sleep. 82 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,080 And you sit in a corner. 83 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:18,480 She's like, "Just sit over there until I'm asleep," 84 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:19,760 and you're like, "OK". 85 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,640 So you sit in the corner and then you've got to try, 86 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,280 you know, wait two, three hours before you can sneak out. 87 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:27,080 It's very hard to sneak when you're my size, you're 6' 7", 88 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:28,440 everything creaks when I stand. 89 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,560 I've got flatulence now, so it's like... 90 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:32,800 TOM BLOWS RASPBERRY AND MIMICS CREAKING 91 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,560 LAUGHTER 92 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,240 TOM BLOWS RASPBERRIES IN SYNC WITH STEPS 93 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,240 As I'm making my way out of the room, 94 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,920 her little head pops up like a sniper and goes, 95 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,680 "Where are you going, Dad?" 96 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:49,720 "I need you to wait until I'm probably asleep." 97 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,200 "It's PROPERLY, you idiot." 98 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:52,600 LAUGHTER 99 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,120 I was in there tonight and I know I've got to be here, 100 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:58,520 so I think, "I've got to get out, I've got to sneak out best I can." 101 00:03:58,520 --> 00:03:59,960 So I start sneaking out. 102 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:03,040 And in my daughter's room, there's a chest of drawers. 103 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:04,880 I've always got on with his chest of drawers before, 104 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,560 never had a problem with it before, never once in my life. 105 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,320 As far as I know, me and the chest of drawers, we're on good terms. 106 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:11,920 I start coming out of the room 107 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,040 and I walk past the chest of drawers 108 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:15,760 and, as I walk past the chest of drawers, 109 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,320 I catch three of my toes. Smash! 110 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,040 The pain sears through my body 111 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,760 but I can't scream. 112 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,080 I can't make a sound 113 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:25,960 cos, if I make a sound, I'm going to wake her 114 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,440 and then I won't be able to be here. 115 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,600 So I do the most insane thing, Apollo - 116 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,560 I silently scream. 117 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:33,840 I go like this... 118 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,320 TOM VOCALISES TOE HITTING DRAWERS 119 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,440 SILENCE 120 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:40,400 LAUGHTER 121 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,160 Like that's a better thing for my daughter to wake up and see - 122 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,480 her dad in a room just looking at her, going... 123 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,120 LAUGHTER 124 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:50,600 And it just... It gets worse. 125 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,400 I start freaking out at the chest of drawers, 126 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,080 like it's a geezer who's knocked my pint over in a Wetherspoons. 127 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,680 I start going, "You prick, you snidey little prick. 128 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,640 "I'm a nice guy." 129 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,960 I start fantasising about what I'm going to do 130 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,320 to the chest of drawers tomorrow. 131 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,920 I'll wave my wife off to work, my daughter off to nursery, 132 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,640 then go upstairs into the bedroom and walk up and go, 133 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,480 "You still want to go now? 134 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,560 "You still want to make one with me in the cold light of day?" 135 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:15,920 Drag it down to the garage... 136 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,160 I'm not going to beat it up, 137 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:19,080 not in my daughter's bedroom, that would be psychopathic. 138 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,560 Take it to the garage, 139 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:24,280 light a cigarette, pour a whisky - like I'm in a Tarantino movie. 140 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,640 Start circling and going, "Come on, then, let's have you now." 141 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,640 Pick up a sledgehammer and just start smashing the granny out of it. 142 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:32,880 Turn it around and you go, "You tell all the rest of the stuff 143 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,160 "to not mess with me in the house. 144 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,160 "You tell that fridge door to close when I push it." 145 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:40,200 I think I'm carrying a lot of inner rage, that's what it is, 146 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:43,600 on the basis that my daughter doesn't respect me. 147 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:46,520 She's three and a half, she's got no respect for me at all. Nothing. 148 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,560 For example, she started school this week, right? 149 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,480 First day of school, she's at the bottom of the stairs, 150 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,080 she's trying to put her little shoes on, 151 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,720 she's got them on the wrong feet, she's struggling with the laces, 152 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,320 struggling to do up the Velcro. And I come over and go, 153 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,240 "I've got this. Come here, I'll do this for you." 154 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,080 Put the shoes on the right feet, do the laces, do the Velcro, 155 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,800 go, "There we go. Have a good day." 156 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,520 And she stands up and looks at me up and down she goes... 157 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:08,600 "Oh, wow, Dad. 158 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,440 "Amazing." 159 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:12,720 LAUGHTER 160 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:13,880 It was pretty amazing. 161 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:15,600 You've been there for 45 minutes 162 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,200 making an absolute idiot out of yourself. 163 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,040 We've been going through the Disney phase. 164 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,400 Parents in the room, you done the Disney phase? 165 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,600 AUDIENCE MURMURS 166 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,280 We've been going film by film. 167 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:26,600 We started off with Beauty And The Beast, 168 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:28,680 started watching Beauty And The Beast, ten, 15, 20 times a day, 169 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,040 we were watching Beauty And The Beast. 170 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,520 And at the end of the day, she'd turn around and go, 171 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:34,440 "Dad, Dad, can we play Beauty And The Beast?" 172 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:35,960 Obviously, that can only go one way. 173 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,960 Feels like the start of therapy in 30 years otherwise, doesn't it? 174 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,520 "Why have you got such a low opinion of yourself, Grace?" 175 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,120 "Well, I was like three, and me 176 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,400 "and me my dad would play Beauty And The Beast, 177 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,880 "and he'd put on a yellow dress and just prance around the room." 178 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:51,320 LAUGHTER 179 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:54,680 Obviously - obviously - she's Beauty and I'm The Beast. 180 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,760 And we'll be playing and she'll be going, 181 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,320 "Come here, Beast! Come here, disgusting Beast!" 182 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:00,840 LAUGHTER 183 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,680 "Come here, dirty Beast! Vile Beast! 184 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,920 "Come here, grubby, disgusting Beast!" 185 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,840 I'm like, "I don't actually remember Belle being such a prick 186 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:11,200 "in the movie, if I'm honest with you." 187 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,360 Before long, though, Beauty And The Beast becomes tiresome, 188 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:16,640 it becomes boring. 189 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,480 She starts watching, like, Frozen. 190 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,640 And she's like, "Daddy, daddy, can we play Frozen?" 191 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,040 I was like, of course we can. 192 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:23,560 She's like, "I'm going to be Elsa." 193 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,360 I'm like, "Good for you. Nice. 194 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,320 "Who am I? Olaf? 195 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:28,640 "Sven?" 196 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,000 And she looked at me cold in the eye and she went, 197 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,040 "No, Dad... 198 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,040 "..you're the Beast." 199 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,040 LAUGHTER 200 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:40,520 I said... 201 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,440 "..there's not a Beast in Frozen." 202 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:47,360 And she went, "you're always... 203 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,200 "..the Beast." 204 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,720 Subsequently, I've been the Beast in Toy Story, 205 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,400 I was the Beast in Moana. 206 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,000 I was the Beast in Up! 207 00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,760 I've been typecast in my own house. 208 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,360 LAUGHTER 209 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,000 "Beast!" 210 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,000 Bizarrely, that was a moment in my life that I thought, 211 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,240 "You know what? I've got to lose a bit of weight." 212 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,920 I joined a gym. I always think, 213 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,800 if you want to find a dickhead, go to the gym. 214 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,240 Favourite bit of kit in the gym, 215 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,440 that I love more than anything in the world, 216 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,640 is the good girl, bad girl machine. Do you know that one? 217 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:22,920 This one, you sit here and go, 218 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,640 "Good girl, bad girl, good girl, bad girl, good girl..." 219 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:25,880 LAUGHTER 220 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,880 I like a bit of gym kit you sit at for ages, 221 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:29,920 tube of Pringles, couple of cans of Foster's. 222 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,120 "Good girl, bad girl, good girl, bad girl." 223 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,960 I'm in there the other day and this fellow bowls in. 224 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,080 He's in full tennis whites, dressed up... 225 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,920 By the way, has anyone ever been to Wimbledon? Just quickly. Anyone...? 226 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:41,960 CHEERING 227 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:45,240 Not the town. I mean, like, the tennis. You've been to Wimbledon? 228 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:46,440 Yes. You enjoy it? 229 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:48,800 - I loved it. - I enjoyed Wimbledon. 230 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,760 I've got to say, I've been some places, 231 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:53,920 I've never, ever, ever felt as out of place, anywhere in my life, 232 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:55,400 as Wimbledon. 233 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,920 I felt like an XL bully walking through Crufts. 234 00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:59,760 LAUGHTER 235 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,680 Bizarre place. Anyhow... 236 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:05,040 I'm here, this guy bowls in, he's in full tennis whites, perma-tan, 237 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,440 and he walks up to this big mirror, 238 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,320 bowls up slow like, 239 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,040 looks himself up and down, 240 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:11,480 gives a little sniff and goes... 241 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,560 LAUGHTER 242 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,360 TOM MOUTHS 243 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:35,560 LAUGHTER 244 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,440 LAUGHTER 245 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,480 LAUGHTER, TOM MOUTHS 246 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,960 I think to myself, 247 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,760 "This prick is playing shadow tennis..." 248 00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,240 LAUGHTER 249 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,840 "..and he's losing!" 250 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,680 LAUGHTER 251 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:07,880 It's a funny thing. They say, to be healthy, 252 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,440 to keep yourself healthy, you need two things - 253 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,040 you need to work out, you need to stay fit - 254 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,320 which I've got on lock, as you can see - 255 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,640 and you need a good diet, you've got to be on top of the diet. 256 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,200 That is where I fall down, the diet. 257 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,480 I am a greedy piece of shit, by nature. 258 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,120 For example, first thing I'll do when I get home tonight won't be 259 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,520 go and see my gorgeous wife, 260 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,600 my Kathryn, my girl, my world, 261 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,040 make sure she's OK, 262 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:30,560 or check in on my daughter. 263 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,480 No, I go to my first love - 264 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,480 the fridge 265 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,760 Bowl into the kitchen, stick on a bit of Ed Sheeran... 266 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,040 ..dim the lights... 267 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:41,800 ..slowly walk up to her... 268 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,080 ..pull her open... 269 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:49,200 ..rest my chin on a shelf, look down and look up and go... 270 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,160 .."Now, who's coming to bed with me tonight?" 271 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,720 LAUGHTER 272 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,680 Have you ever seen ham wince? 273 00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:59,000 LAUGHTER 274 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,880 Couple of Dairylea Dunkers just making a run for the door. 275 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,560 I'm disgusting when I get going. 276 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,040 For example, the other week, 277 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,640 I'm sitting there, I'm sitting watching Traitors. 278 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:09,960 Anyone here seen Traitors? 279 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,360 I'm on the sofa. Do you watch Traitors? 280 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,560 CHEERING 281 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,560 I like Traitors. 282 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:14,280 All I wish it had was Danny Dyer... 283 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,200 I wish Danny Dyer was in every programme. I love Danny. 284 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,480 I think, Danny... But, you know, like, the moment that... 285 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,520 Every morning, when they sit around together at breakfast 286 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,600 and they're all really worried about who's been murdered 287 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,440 and who's a Traitor... And they're all so polite, 288 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,080 they're going, "Who do you think did it? 289 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,280 "Who do you think's a Traitor? 290 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,800 "Who do you think's been murdered? 291 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,440 "Who do you think the Traitor is? 292 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,120 "Oh, I don't want to look at anyone. I'm so scared." 293 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,320 I want Danny to come in, seven Stellas deep. 294 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:38,160 Just come bowling in, going, "Oi, are you the Traitor? 295 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,560 "Are YOU the Traitor? Are YOU the Traitor? Are you...? 296 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:41,720 "I'm the Traitor! 297 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,000 "Right, completed it. "Stick me in Gladiators." 298 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,360 LAUGHTER 299 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,560 I'm sitting there watching Traitors, right? 300 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,920 I iron out a whole sleeve of Jaffa Cakes to myself. 301 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,800 Whole sleeve, just gone. 302 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,560 And it's disgusting. I'm just... 303 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,440 I get halfway through the sleeve of Jaffa Cakes, think, 304 00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:58,720 "That's enough Jaffa Cakes," 305 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,360 but I start just wedging them into my mouth, two by two, 306 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:02,960 just stuffing them in. 307 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,880 I kick the wrapper across the floor 308 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,280 like I'm in an MMA fight. 309 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,400 Go to my bedroom, pull off my T-shirt. 310 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,120 My gut falls over my Calvins. 311 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,600 I just stand there looking in a full-length mirror like, 312 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,400 "You're disgusting. 313 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:21,320 "That was a disgusting show of greed down there with those Jaffa Cakes. 314 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,880 "You just demolished a whole sleeve of Jaffa Cakes to yourself. 315 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,760 "Families of four, 316 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:31,040 "of an evening, will share a sleeve of Jaffa Cakes. 317 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,360 "You just ate them on your own. 318 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,440 "You've got to do better. You're a dad now, show some restraint." 319 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:38,960 Then I get into bed, I lay there for about two or three minutes 320 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,960 and think, "That was a two-pack of Jaffa Cakes." 321 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,240 LAUGHTER 322 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,360 "There's another sleeve downstairs." 323 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,000 LAUGHTER 324 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,040 My biggest showing of greed of late, 325 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:54,200 my biggest show of greed, 326 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:58,040 was last year. I took my wife out for Valentine's Day. 327 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,560 I'm like, "We're going out, babe. We're going to go somewhere lovely, 328 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,720 "have a right romantic one together." 329 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,560 I mean, I should have probably dressed it up a bit differently, 330 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:07,280 I took her to a burger joint in north London. 331 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:08,640 LAUGHTER 332 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:11,600 She got very dressed up - black dress, handbag, high heels - 333 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,400 I was like, "You're going to embarrass yourself in there. 334 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,120 "They give you a plastic bib to eat with." 335 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,720 LAUGHTER 336 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,920 On the front, outside the front of this place, 337 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:23,440 is a picture of what they say is London's biggest burger. 338 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,320 I turned to my wife, all sexy like, 339 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:26,680 and I'm like, 340 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,200 "I'm going to eat that tonight." 341 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,400 And she's like, "No, you're not." 342 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,520 And I'm like, "Why, don't you think I can?" 343 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,280 She went, "No, I know you can, 344 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,120 "but it's Valentine's Day 345 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:41,200 "and that would be disgusting." 346 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,560 I took that as a flirty challenge. 347 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:43,960 LAUGHTER 348 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,600 Bowled straight in the gaff, walked up to the waiter, 349 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,920 went, "Oi, John, get me one of the big burgers, pal. 350 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:49,080 "Give me a big burger." 351 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,760 Burger comes out and, let me tell you, Apollo, it was beautiful. 352 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:54,800 Brioche bun, four beef patties, 353 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,320 a little bit of bacon, 354 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,320 some iceberg lettuce, blue cheese. 355 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,440 There was a tomato in there, I kicked that mug straight out. 356 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,280 WHOOSHING SOUND, LAUGHTER 357 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,720 "Stay away from our burgers, you little prick." 358 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,440 "Stick to pasta sauces and salads." 359 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,160 That's as political as I get. 360 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,520 LAUGHTER 361 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,880 I picked this burger up. 362 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:16,520 I look at my wife, into her beautiful eyes, 363 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:17,840 and I give her a sexy wink. 364 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,440 I open my mouth as wide as I can, 365 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,200 I go... 366 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,440 And stuff the burger in. 367 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,160 And as I close my mouth down, 368 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,640 it just stops 369 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,920 and there's a stick running through the middle of the burger. 370 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:29,800 AUDIENCE GROANS 371 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:33,480 HE WAILS 372 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,440 MUFFLED GROANS 373 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,680 My wife, at first, is like, 374 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,880 "I told you not to. It was too big, I told..." 375 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,440 And I'm like... 376 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,160 MUFFLED GROANS 377 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:44,320 "A stick!" 378 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:45,760 Then she starts worrying. She's like, 379 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,000 "There's something wrong with my husband. 380 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,520 "There's something wrong with my husband, 381 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:49,880 "I think he's having a heart attack." 382 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,480 The whole rest of the restaurant is like... 383 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:52,720 TOM MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND 384 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,720 Comes running over going, "Is he OK? Is he all right?" 385 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:56,640 Everyone's panicking now. "Is he...? Are you OK?" 386 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:57,760 I'm like... 387 00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:00,040 MUFFLED SPEECH AND GROANS 388 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,400 Pandemonium. Everyone's worried. 389 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,000 Everyone. 390 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,720 Finally, one guy steps forward. 391 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:09,080 Looks a bit like Bradley Cooper. 392 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,480 I say he looks like Bradley Cooper, he looks like Bradley Cooper if 393 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,000 you're driving really quickly down the road and you go, 394 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,160 "Did you see him? He look like Bradley Cooper." 395 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,600 You drive around the block, slow down, 396 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,760 you go, "No, he didn't. What a waste of both of our time." 397 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,320 LAUGHTER 398 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:26,760 He comes over and he leans forward, and he goes... 399 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,000 He's French, by the way. 400 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,920 "I've seen this before somewhere. 401 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,880 "He's gone too big on his first bite, 402 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,960 "and he has a stick 403 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,000 "caught in his mouth." 404 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,080 Worry and anxiety turns to ridicule and laughter. 405 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,280 Everyone just starts pissing themselves, 406 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,880 everyone's just laughing, my wife's laughing so much. 407 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,240 She's got her forehead buried into this guy's chest 408 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:50,760 and she's like... 409 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:50,760 HE INHALES 410 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,280 "Oh, is that Tom Ford?" 411 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,000 One guy finds it so funny, he runs to the door of the restaurant, 412 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,280 boots it open and goes, "You've got to see this! 413 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:01,360 "Some fat wanker's got himself harpooned on a burger stick." 414 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,000 LAUGHTER 415 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,880 People start coming in from out of the restaurant. 416 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,360 People are leaving other restaurants, 417 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:07,760 people are cancelling Ubers, 418 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,280 all just to get a look at me sat there, like that. 419 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,960 LAUGHTER 420 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,160 All the time, I'm just worried. 421 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,440 I'm worried this is me for the rest of my life now. 422 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,280 Gracey's wedding day, like that, coming down the aisle. 423 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,600 LAUGHTER 424 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,360 LAUGHTER 425 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,360 Finally, my wife and Bradley Cooper stop kissing. 426 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,040 LAUGHTER 427 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,520 And he leans forward and he says... 428 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,440 "I've seen this somewhere before." 429 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,240 "The only thing you can do is pull a burger from the stick 430 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:39,720 "and out of his mouth. 431 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,080 "Then we break the stick." 432 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,320 I would arguably say, Apollo, 433 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:44,920 THE most disgusting, 434 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,400 unromantic thing you're ever likely to see on Valentine's Day 435 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,920 is this wally pull a burger, 436 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:53,200 that's been in his mouth for about ten minutes, out of his mouth, 437 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,600 watch him break a stick, 438 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,680 and then watch him pick the said burger up 439 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:59,000 and go for a second bite. 440 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:59,000 LAUGHTER 441 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,840 I'd say that's a Valentine's low right there. 442 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:07,680 APPLAUSE 443 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,760 Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act? 444 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,440 CHEERING 445 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:13,920 So, go mad! Go crazy! 446 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,920 Make some noise for my guy, 447 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:20,200 Mr Kae Kurd! 448 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 449 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,560 Return Of The Mack by Mark Morrison 450 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,160 Hey! 451 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,320 Apollo, how are we doing? Are you well? 452 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:37,880 CHEERING 453 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,880 Lovely. It's nice seeing you guys, man. 454 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:41,960 Give me a cheer if you're over 30. 455 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,560 LOUD CHEERING 456 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,120 Love that. My people. 457 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,440 Back pain setting in already, love it. 458 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,320 Give me a cheer if you're in your 20s. 459 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,120 LOUDER CHEERING 460 00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:52,480 I can't stand you guys. Ugh. 461 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:53,920 LAUGHTER 462 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,880 No, honestly, like, I've got to that age where I can't stand 463 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,480 anything about young people. I hate you lot. 464 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,040 I do. You know, when they're like... 465 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:03,040 HIGH-PITCHED VOICE, AFFECTED ACCENT: "Let's leave the world 466 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,960 "in a better place for future generations." 467 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,440 And you look at them. 468 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,320 LAUGHTER 469 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,720 You're just like, "Let the world burn, bruv." 470 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,320 Like, they're going to put it on TikTok anyway. 471 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,680 I can't stand you lot, with that look that you all have, 472 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,120 just that blank stare. 473 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,440 LAUGHTER 474 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:24,280 It's like, somewhere along the way, 475 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:26,200 you lot forgot that you have to communicate with your face. 476 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,480 You just ask them anything, and they're like... 477 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,920 I hate you lot, man. You speak too much. 478 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,640 You do. They talk too much. 479 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,760 They just go on TikTok and tell you about their illnesses 480 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,320 without anybody telling you why. 481 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,680 Like, they're just there. 482 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,280 Just, "Nyah, nyah." Always... 483 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,360 Always talking about their illnesses. 484 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,280 Like, I was on TikTok the other day, this girl was like... 485 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,720 "Follow me for a day in the life 486 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:48,960 "of somebody with IBS." 487 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,440 LAUGHTER 488 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:53,920 What is going on, guys? Like... 489 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,080 ..when was it all right to start telling people 490 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,560 you're walking around with a leaky bumhole? 491 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:00,600 Right? Like... 492 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:01,840 LAUGHTER 493 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,240 When did we OK this, right? 494 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,640 When did we decide, as a society, this was OK, right? 495 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:12,280 Like, do you know what happened when you used to suffer from IBS? 496 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,400 You'd sit closest to the toilet and you'd shut up, right? 497 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,800 LAUGHTER 498 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,520 I wouldn't tell a single soul I had IBS. 499 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,240 Are you mad? I'd hold that shit in! 500 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,000 LAUGHTER 501 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,640 I wouldn't tell anybody I'm ill. Like, are you mad? 502 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,040 I would lie at every given opportunity. 503 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:33,360 "Why were you in a toilet?" 504 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:34,680 "Cocaine!" 505 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:36,600 LAUGHTER 506 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:40,760 Like, I would rather you thought I was a class-A drug addict 507 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,800 than somebody that could poo myself when I sneeze, right? 508 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,840 LAUGHTER 509 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,120 Everybody has to have a label these days, right? 510 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:51,360 You know, everyone's like, 511 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,600 "Oh, I've got anxiety, I've got ADHD. I'm... 512 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,880 "I'm neurodiverse." 513 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,200 "I'm this." Do you know what it is? 514 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,080 Somewhere along the line, someone made oppression look cool 515 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,320 and now everybody wants a piece of it, right? 516 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:04,920 And I blame X Factor. 517 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,360 Remember, back in the day, it used to have all those sob stories? 518 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:10,920 It did. But, you know, the sob stories at the beginning, 519 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:14,160 when it first started, it was like real sob stories, innit? 520 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,440 It was like a single mum had beat cancer three times 521 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,240 and she was like, "I want to sing Whitney Houston." 522 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,920 You were like, "Do whatever you like, bruv. Like, just..." 523 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,920 Nowadays, you watch a TV programme about cleaning, 524 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:25,440 it's a dad there going, 525 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,400 "Yeah, it's really hard to clean 526 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,000 "being a single dad, having a gluten intolerance." It's like... 527 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,360 LAUGHTER 528 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,400 Everyone has to have a label. 529 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,120 What happened to just being a bit weird? 530 00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:40,520 LAUGHTER 531 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:41,720 Do you remember that one? 532 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,280 Like, "Why has he got his coat on indoors?" 533 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,280 "I don't know, he's a bit weird, innit?" 534 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,000 LAUGHTER 535 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,400 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 536 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,440 That was... 537 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:55,880 It was lovely, right? 538 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,000 "Why is he, like, faxing pictures of his cock?" 539 00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,400 "I don't know! He likes it!" 540 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,720 You made jokes about him, and, you know, he felt included. 541 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,120 Now, you just go. "How are the trains, Rick? And they're like... 542 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,480 "Oh, did you know Rick's on the spectrum 543 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,920 "and you're in a HR meeting?" It's like, "Argh." 544 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,480 LAUGHTER 545 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:16,640 It's a tough time, though. 546 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,160 It's a tough world to live in right now, man. 547 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,160 It's a tough world for young people to live in as well. 548 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:21,600 You've got... 549 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,480 You've got the rise of the far right, as they say, 550 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:24,760 there's flags going up everywhere. 551 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,280 Like, do you lot think the flags are racist? 552 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:28,960 MIXED REACTION 553 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,480 I don't know. Right? 554 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,080 Nah, I don't know, It's not putting up the flags that's racist, 555 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,880 it's what you do when you're putting up the flags that are racist. 556 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,120 Cos I associate the flag with Euro 96, innit? 557 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:39,400 Right? That's... 558 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,600 LAUGHTER 559 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,720 No, I do. Whenever I see the St George's flag, 560 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,400 I just hear "three lions on a shirt", right? That's... 561 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,880 That's what I hear, right? That's... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 562 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:49,320 No, it is, it is. Honestly. 563 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:52,840 It's not the flag that's the issue, 564 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,280 it's what you do when you're putting up the flag. 565 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,560 If you're shouting, "Get the hell home!" 566 00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,520 Yeah, maybe it's the marketing... 567 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,600 LAUGHTER 568 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,200 ..that's your problem, right? 569 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:04,920 If they started playing Wonderwall 570 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,720 and gave out sandwiches, we'd be like... 571 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,000 "Oh, what a lovely community event," right? 572 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:10,680 LAUGHTER 573 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,360 That's why everybody loves a Jamaican flag 574 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,800 cos, when you see a Jamaican flag, 575 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,240 there's always music playing in the background, right? 576 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,600 Just out of nowhere, there's, like, some jerk chicken. 577 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,800 They take you on a sensory experience. 578 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,120 Before you know it, you're watching the Olympics going... 579 00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:27,360 "I want Jamaica to do well. Yeah." 580 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:30,000 LAUGHTER 581 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,360 St George's flag, though, it's a great one for a racist, though. 582 00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:38,760 It's a great one. Easy. Two lines. 583 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,240 HE MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND 584 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:46,160 You could be stark drunk, right, and you could still draw that. 585 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,400 Imagine being a Welsh nationalist. Like... 586 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,360 LAUGHTER 587 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,120 APPLAUSE 588 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,120 Do you know what I mean? 589 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:56,760 CHEERING 590 00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:00,720 How do you draw a dragon off by heart? 591 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:04,320 That is a four-man job, at least. 592 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,800 You need four people to carry the tins of paint, 593 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:08,280 you need an art degree. 594 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,960 And even if you do get the dragon up, 595 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,800 there's going to be people walking by going... 596 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,240 "Oh, my God, Chinese New Year." 597 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,080 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 598 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,280 Do you know what, like, though? 599 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:30,320 That thing about the flag really makes me laugh, right? 600 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:31,760 Cos they put up the flag everywhere. 601 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,160 They put it up... I've been up and down the motorway recently, right? 602 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,440 I've been up and down the motorway, I've seen the flag everywhere, 603 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,360 and when you ask people these questions, the ones that put it up, 604 00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:42,240 "They're like, oh, yeah, we're putting it up so immigrants know 605 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,640 "where they stand, right?" 606 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,240 Like they're trying to put immigrants off coming here 607 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,880 by putting the flag. But I don't know about you guys, right? 608 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,800 Listen, if I was risking my life to come over here on a boat, 609 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,160 to travel 21 miles on a dinghy, 610 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,800 if I saw the England flag, 611 00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,440 I'd just be happy I made it. 612 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:02,760 LAUGHTER 613 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,160 Do you know what I mean? 614 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 615 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,200 I'd be there like... 616 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,560 "Mahmoud, look, we made it!" 617 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,080 LAUGHTER 618 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:14,280 "It's England," right? 619 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:18,880 If you really want to stop the boats, there's a great plan, right? 620 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,000 If you really want to stop the boats, 621 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,120 just line Dover with French flags, right? 622 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:27,840 LAUGHTER 623 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,400 I'm being serious! 624 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:33,200 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 625 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,400 Line the whole place with French flags, 626 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,840 start giving out Eiffel Tower key rings, right? 627 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:39,760 LAUGHTER 628 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:41,360 They'd be like... 629 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:43,480 "Again?! What the hell?" 630 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,520 LAUGHTER 631 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,160 You'd confused the hell out of him. 632 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,120 It would stop the boats in a week, right? 633 00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:53,720 LAUGHTER 634 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,440 It's a terrifying time, man. It's a terrifying time. 635 00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,040 The whole world is in disarray. 636 00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,240 You know, people moaning about Donald Trump. 637 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,080 Any Donald Trump fans in here? 638 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:03,760 SOLITARY CHEER 639 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:05,120 LAUGHTER 640 00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:07,600 Two guys over there forgot they weren't on Facebook. 641 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:08,920 "Ah, yeah..." 642 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,040 "No, no, I think like the rest of these lot. Yeah, yeah." 643 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,160 I've not got a massive opinion on Donald Trump, right? 644 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,360 I just do find it funny when people go... 645 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:21,320 "I can't believe he said that." 646 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,480 I'm like, "I can." 647 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,520 "He's 78." 648 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:28,400 "Let's put a camera in front of your grandad, 649 00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:30,280 "let's see how progressive he is," right? 650 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:31,840 LAUGHTER 651 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:36,880 I'm going to be a bigot. 652 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:39,400 LAUGHTER 653 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:40,760 I know I'm going to be a bigot. 654 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:42,760 I've already started planning it, right? 655 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:46,360 But I'm going to be a bigot to the machines, right? 656 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:50,040 Yeah, I know I'm going to be a bigot to, like, AI. I can't wait. 657 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,000 I'm already thinking of slurs to call them. 658 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:54,760 "Code monkeys." 659 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,120 "Rusties." Right? 660 00:25:56,120 --> 00:26:00,080 Well, no, because, like, I hate the robots already, right? 661 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,280 That's why I don't have one of those smart speakers. 662 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,120 It's like bringing an enemy into your own home, right? 663 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:07,400 Those things record everything you say, bro. 664 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,320 Right? You think they don't? 665 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,520 One day, you're going to be singing along to your favourite rap song 666 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:12,800 and it's going to be, like, 667 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,080 record the part where you say the N word by accident 668 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,120 and it's like... 669 00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:18,080 "Do you want me to post this?" "No! No, no, no." 670 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:19,480 LAUGHTER 671 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,000 I'm going to be a bigot to them, man. 672 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,680 I can imagine one day, in the future, 673 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,240 I'm going to be playing with my future kids. 674 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,720 Alexa's playing music in the background, right? 675 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,920 I'll be like, "Shut up, Alexa." 676 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,480 - My kids are going to be like... - "Daddy..." 677 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,880 Because I'm going to have middle-class children, right? 678 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:36,960 LAUGHTER 679 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,440 "Daddy, you mustn't say that." 680 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:42,760 I'm like, "Why not?" 681 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:45,800 "It's got feelings." 682 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,520 "No, it doesn't. It's a machine." 683 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,880 And then I'm there on TikTok doing an apology video. 684 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:51,640 LAUGHTER 685 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,720 "I apologise to the AI community. 686 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,760 "I wasn't aware of your struggle." 687 00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:58,200 LAUGHTER 688 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,040 "I'll do better in future." 689 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:05,320 It is a tough one, man. It is a tough one with racism. 690 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,200 We had our own race riots last year as well, right? 691 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,560 Football season ended, you know, there was that month... 692 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:12,920 LAUGHTER 693 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,360 What are you going to do, innit? 694 00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,520 LAUGHTER 695 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,480 It was terrifying, right? 696 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:20,440 Cos, for the first time in about 25 years, 697 00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:21,960 I got racially abused, right? 698 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,840 And that's when I knew racism had gone too far, you know? 699 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:26,720 It's like, "It's affecting me now, stop it." 700 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:29,080 LAUGHTER 701 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,560 "If everybody could just shut up now. Right? OK? 702 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,160 "You had your fun, right?" 703 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:38,240 No, I did, I got racially abused in south London, 704 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:40,160 on Streatham High Road, I got racially abused - 705 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,680 and this is when I knew racism had got too far, right? 706 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,120 I got racially abused by an Irishman. 707 00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:46,880 LAUGHTER 708 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:49,440 Do you know how bad racism has to get for the Irish to get involved? 709 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:51,360 It's like, "Bro, what happened? 710 00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:53,360 "You lot used to be on the signs as well." 711 00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:54,920 LAUGHTER 712 00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:58,640 "We can't use bins in Canary Wharf cos of your lot." 713 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:00,960 LAUGHTER 714 00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:03,840 No, like, I love the Irish, right? 715 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,840 APPLAUSE 716 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:07,240 I thought we were on the same team. 717 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,280 This guy was out shouting racist abuse 718 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,040 at every black and brown person that was going by. 719 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:14,120 He was, like, shouting the N word and the P word. He's like... 720 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:16,240 "Look at you, you... "Look at you, you..." 721 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,720 And then he saw me and he was like, "Look at you..." 722 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:20,000 LAUGHTER 723 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:21,480 "What the flip are you?" 724 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:23,240 LAUGHTER 725 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,960 "I could be anything you want me to be, sir, OK?" 726 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:27,480 LAUGHTER 727 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:29,840 I watched the racism turn into homophobia really quickly, 728 00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,000 it was great. 729 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:34,000 I was watching those marches with a lot of interest. 730 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,480 I was watching them with a lot of interest, right? 731 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:38,480 Because you've got to do a bit of self-reflection sometimes. 732 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:40,480 I was like, "Why am I not racist," right? 733 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,360 LAUGHTER 734 00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:45,080 No, you've got to ask that question sometimes, right? 735 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:48,200 And like, you know, obvious reasons, but... 736 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,360 I was like, "Why, why, why, why am I not marching with these guys?" 737 00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:53,000 And I was looking at them, right, and all of them... 738 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:55,120 They're, like, shouting, "Oh, let's get our country back." 739 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:56,520 And I was like... 740 00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:58,480 ..get your hairline back first, innit? 741 00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:00,160 LAUGHTER 742 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:02,280 No, honestly, like... 743 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:02,280 CHEERING 744 00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:04,760 Cos that's when I realised why, like, I couldn't be... 745 00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:07,640 Because they're way too ugly... LAUGHTER 746 00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:09,520 ..for me to believe them, innit? 747 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:11,240 If you want to tell me you're better than me, 748 00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:13,000 you better be sexy, innit, right? 749 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:16,440 No, cos I don't believe a word ugly people say in general, right? 750 00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:19,040 Like, as a rule, I don't believe ugly people, right? 751 00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:22,560 Like, that's why I didn't believe in climate change for years, right? 752 00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:24,680 LAUGHTER 753 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:25,920 I'm serious, right? 754 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:28,040 Like, they used to get these scientists on TV. 755 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:30,520 "Like, at the rate the world is heating up..." 756 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:31,760 Shut up, speccy! 757 00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:33,160 LAUGHTER 758 00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:34,240 Get back in the lab. 759 00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:38,880 As soon as they got Angelina Jolie to speak about it, I was like, 760 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:41,280 "Clean out these yoghurt pots, this is important." 761 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:45,200 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 762 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,400 CHEERING 763 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:49,440 All I'm saying is, right, 764 00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:51,440 like they need someone sexy, right? 765 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:54,640 They need someone sexy to be racist and then I'll believe them. 766 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,640 Because if you want to say you're better than me, 767 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:57,800 you'd better be beautiful. 768 00:29:57,800 --> 00:29:59,840 Oh, my God, you'd better be gorgeous, right? 769 00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:02,840 If David Beckham came out tomorrow as racist, 770 00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:04,120 I'm joining in, right? 771 00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:05,960 LAUGHTER 772 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,440 Honestly, if he's there on Instagram one day, like... 773 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:10,600 "Well, me and Victoria have been thinking... 774 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:13,000 LAUGHTER 775 00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:14,840 "..it's time to get our country back." 776 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,440 I'll be there like, "Mum, pack your bags, it's time to go. Let's go." 777 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:20,000 LAUGHTER 778 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:21,600 Ladies and gentlemen, my name's Kae Kurd, 779 00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:23,440 enjoy the rest of your night. Have a good one, see you later. 780 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:26,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 781 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:30,440 Ladies and gentlemen, Kae Kurd! 782 00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 783 00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:35,520 So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring another act on. 784 00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:36,920 Are you ready? 785 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:38,600 CHEERING 786 00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:41,600 Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together, 787 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:43,840 go wild, go crazy, 788 00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:45,800 for the amazing 789 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:50,280 Ms Louise Young! 790 00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:53,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 791 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:55,400 Set You Free by N-Trance 792 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:02,680 Hi! 793 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:03,720 Hello, everyone! 794 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:07,840 Hello. 795 00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:09,480 Oh, my God, this is crazy. 796 00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:12,120 Thank you so much for having us, this is amazing. 797 00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:13,880 I've done a few gigs down south this week. 798 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:15,680 Whenever I'm down south, I do have this... 799 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:18,400 I have this awareness that I have to slow this accent down. 800 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:20,200 LAUGHTER 801 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:20,200 The Geordie accent, 802 00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:22,000 it's peculiar on people's ear. 803 00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:23,600 And I realised this 804 00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,040 cos I met my friend's brother a while ago, right? 805 00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:28,760 My friend's German and so is his brother. 806 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:31,720 They're quite weird like that, the Germans. Strange. 807 00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:33,720 And when I met him, though, I thought... 808 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:35,240 Cos I'm quite, like, a friendly, open person. 809 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:37,720 So, I thought I was being, like, you know, nice and friendly and open 810 00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:38,880 when I met him. 811 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:40,160 Then when I left the situation, 812 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:42,920 my friend's brother had said, behind me back, 813 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:44,400 "Your English friend, 814 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:46,040 "she's very nice, 815 00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:48,280 "but why does she speak like a pirate?" 816 00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:50,000 LAUGHTER 817 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:51,640 So I know I've got to slow it down. 818 00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:53,560 And like, an accent like this kind of like 819 00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:55,040 betrays a working-classness, 820 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:56,560 and I'm very aware of that. 821 00:31:56,560 --> 00:32:00,160 I've always been kind of acutely aware of my working-classness, 822 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:01,800 from a young age, right? 823 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:06,080 And listen, this is a nice audience, I'll be vulnerable with yous. 824 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:08,280 I've always been very aware 825 00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:09,760 of my working-classness... 826 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:11,480 LOUISE CLEARS THROAT 827 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:11,480 ..because... 828 00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:12,760 LOUISE SIGHS 829 00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:13,960 ..when I was 12... 830 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:15,440 LOUISE EXHALES 831 00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:16,840 ..I quit smoking. 832 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:19,720 LAUGHTER 833 00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:22,200 But genuinely as well, like, for all the right reasons. 834 00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:24,000 Like... 835 00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:24,000 LOUISE EXHALES 836 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:25,320 ..for the baby. 837 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:28,480 LAUGHTER 838 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:28,480 No. 839 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:30,400 Don't... Don't applaud it. 840 00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:33,120 I shouldn't... I shouldn't perpetuate stereotypes like that. 841 00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:35,080 I haven't got... I haven't got any kids, right? 842 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:36,320 And I remember... 843 00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:39,080 Cos, seriously, this job has saved my life, right? 844 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:40,720 I used to be really, really off the rails. 845 00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:43,680 Like, really, really off the rails up until... 846 00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:45,000 ..about a week ago. 847 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:46,280 LAUGHTER 848 00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:48,880 No, but seriously, a few years ago, I was going crazy 849 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:51,360 and, like, a big turning point in my life, right? 850 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:54,480 One of my friends, she tried to stop us from going down a dark path 851 00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:55,840 and she went, "Louise..." 852 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:59,080 It was quite brutal, this, but I know why she was doing it. 853 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:01,360 She went, "Louise, it's a good job you haven't had any kids, 854 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:02,520 "because if you did, 855 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:03,960 "they'd be taken off you." 856 00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:05,480 LAUGHTER 857 00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:06,800 And I was like, "I know, I'm so sorry. 858 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:07,960 "I'm going to sort my life out." 859 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:10,000 "I'm so, so, so sorry. I will turn this around. 860 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:12,360 "I will." That's what I said. 861 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:15,240 But I can remember, very vividly, 862 00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:18,080 at that moment, in my head, thinking, 863 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:20,760 "Oh, my God, there's a good chance that's actually happened 864 00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:22,200 "and I just can't remember." 865 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:23,600 LAUGHTER 866 00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:25,440 It was an intense time, 867 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,960 but I've calmed myself down, like, quite a bit now. 868 00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:29,760 I'm a lot calmer these days, right? 869 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:32,720 I live with my girlfriend, my fiancee, now. 870 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:34,040 CHEERING 871 00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:36,960 Thank you very much. Yes. What a bunch of gaylords. 872 00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:38,480 LAUGHTER 873 00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:40,600 Thanks. But the thing is, like, it's... 874 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:43,000 It's mad being gay. It really is, right? 875 00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:46,240 I performed at a lesbian festival recently, right? 876 00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,000 And what a rowdy bunch we are. 877 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,200 Like, really uncouth. 878 00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:52,800 Do you know what I mean? Like... But it was a good festival. 879 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:55,320 It was really good. It was a big success as well. 880 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:58,840 St John's Ambulance ran out of finger splints. 881 00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:01,080 LAUGHTER 882 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,040 It was... It was wonderful. 883 00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:08,640 What an experience. 884 00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:10,480 No, I don't live in Newcastle any more, 885 00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:14,440 and I went back to see my family this summer at a family barbecue, 886 00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,920 and my auntie, my great auntie, came up to us - 887 00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:20,240 and she meant nothing by this, she's absolutely lush - 888 00:34:20,240 --> 00:34:23,640 but she came up to us and she went, "Oh, hello, pet. 889 00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:24,720 "Are you back, are you? 890 00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:26,320 "Oh, I've missed you. 891 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:29,240 "And I've been thinking about you loads at the minute 892 00:34:29,240 --> 00:34:31,200 "with the women's football being on." 893 00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:33,680 LAUGHTER 894 00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:35,040 Thank you. 895 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:37,720 I have to have more confidence in myself sometimes. 896 00:34:37,720 --> 00:34:39,440 Like, sometimes where it counts, 897 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:41,080 I don't have confidence, right? 898 00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:42,440 And I realised this - 899 00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:45,960 if I'm on a date and I get into a taxi with my girlfriend, 900 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:48,760 and if I get the slightest feeling the taxi driver 901 00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:50,480 is a little bit homophobic, right? 902 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:53,320 And I shouldn't do this, but I do, I'll say it to my girlfriend, 903 00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:55,240 "Listen, don't hold my hand. 904 00:34:55,240 --> 00:34:56,760 "Don't put your arm around us. 905 00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:58,520 "Don't be affectionate. 906 00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:00,400 "Just don't." 907 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:01,760 Yes, I know how that's... 908 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,520 Like, I know how that sounds, I know it sounds quite harsh of me, 909 00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:06,600 It sounds quite weird. It sounds... 910 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:08,960 It sounds pathetic, it sounds weak of me. 911 00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:12,400 But, like, I need you to understand, like, from my perspective... 912 00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:13,560 LOUISE SIGHS 913 00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:16,800 I feel like I almost have to kind of, like, protect... 914 00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:19,600 ..my Uber rating. 915 00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:22,360 LAUGHTER 916 00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:25,200 It's just hard being gay sometimes. 917 00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:28,400 I've... Listen, I've covered the kind of Geordie thing, right? 918 00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:31,360 But I'm actually... I'm technically half Turkish, half Geordie, right? 919 00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:33,160 That's a bit of a weird combination. 920 00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:36,040 The thing is, though, I haven't been to Turkey loads in my life, right? 921 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:39,160 So I'm technically just, like, culturally very Geordie, 922 00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:41,480 but I've got a couple of Turkish behaviours 923 00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:43,440 that have like hung on in the DNA, right? 924 00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:46,600 I love to haggle. I love to barter for a price, 925 00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:48,400 like I'm in a bazaar at all times. 926 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:50,120 I love it, but I'm shit at it, right? 927 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:52,000 Cos I'm too British, I'm too polite. 928 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,960 I don't get stuck in the way you're supposed to get stuck in. 929 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:57,440 And I realised this, right, on holiday with my cousin. 930 00:35:57,440 --> 00:35:59,240 I bought something from a stall 931 00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:01,520 and I was so excited to show her what I'd bought, 932 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:04,280 and she was stood there - I'll never forget this - 933 00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:06,880 she was like, shaking her head, like, really angry at me. 934 00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:10,040 And she went, "You know what's happened there, don't you?" 935 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:11,960 And I was like, "What?" 936 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:13,360 These were her words. 937 00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:16,800 She went, "Underneath, they've seen your English money 938 00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:18,560 "and they've taken you for a ride." 939 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:19,880 LAUGHTER 940 00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:22,920 I remember feeling so, I felt mortified. 941 00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:25,280 I felt so culturally stupid, so foolish, 942 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,520 because we're in this little place called... 943 00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:32,000 It's not Abu Dhabi, and I always go to call it "Abu Dhabi". 944 00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:33,560 It's Abu... 945 00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:35,800 Don't say I've forgotten the name, tonight of all nights. 946 00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:38,440 Guys, I'm not kidding. 947 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:40,320 LAUGHTER 948 00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:42,000 Oh, God. No, don't help us. 949 00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:43,680 Sorry. LOUISE CLEARS THROAT 950 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:45,040 Aberdeen. 951 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:46,520 LAUGHTER 952 00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:48,000 Got yous. 953 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:49,840 I bloody got yous. 954 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:51,720 You thought the Geordie had fucked up there, didn't you? 955 00:36:51,720 --> 00:36:52,960 That was great. 956 00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:54,600 LAUGHTER 957 00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:56,240 Whatever you are in life, right, 958 00:36:56,240 --> 00:36:58,120 you're going to have stereotypes thrown at you, aren't you? 959 00:36:58,120 --> 00:37:00,680 And I've realised, right, and I don't care, 960 00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:03,120 but the stereotype that I often get if I say I'm Turkish, right? 961 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:05,440 And I don't care, I don't care what people say, right? 962 00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:07,400 But this is often what I've got to field. 963 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:09,240 So, I'll say I'm Turkish 964 00:37:09,240 --> 00:37:10,360 and someone will go, 965 00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,800 "Ah, you've got to watch Turkish men. 966 00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:14,680 "Oh, you've got to watch Turkish men. 967 00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:16,240 "My cousin, she went to Turkey. 968 00:37:16,240 --> 00:37:18,360 "She's got blonde hair, blue eyes. 969 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:20,000 "They wouldn't leave her alone." 970 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:21,120 LAUGHTER 971 00:37:21,120 --> 00:37:24,200 Right? And whatever, it doesn't usually bother us, right? 972 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:27,240 It doesn't, but it did upset us a few months ago cos it was like... 973 00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:29,400 It was round, like, a dinner table, 974 00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:30,920 and I felt very trapped. 975 00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:33,320 And everyone was kind of laughing and it felt horrible. 976 00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:35,320 And my girlfriend was sat next to us 977 00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:38,320 and my girlfriend's got blonde hair, blue eyes, 978 00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:40,000 and I was quite startled 979 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:43,200 and I had to say something and I was like, "Oh, my God. 980 00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:46,640 "I'm just like the rest of them. This..." 981 00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:47,960 LAUGHTER 982 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,080 This is terrible. 983 00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:52,640 I do feel as though I'm trying to sort myself out and everything. 984 00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:55,440 I'm getting to that age where a lot of people around us 985 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:56,960 are having kids and stuff like that. 986 00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:58,600 You might know people like this, right? 987 00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:01,000 My best friend's become a mother, and... 988 00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:03,120 And I'm so proud of her, she's so good at it, 989 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:05,560 she's just taken to motherhood, like, so well, 990 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:07,240 and she was a worse party girl than me, 991 00:38:07,240 --> 00:38:09,600 so I'm even more proud of her, right? 992 00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:11,680 And she was saying, and not everyone's going to feel like this, 993 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:13,080 but she was like, 994 00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:15,920 "Louise, there's no feeling like being a parent. 995 00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:17,600 "This is amazing. 996 00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:20,320 "Waking up and seeing my baby, I love it. 997 00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:22,200 "It's better than any drink, 998 00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:23,600 "any drug, 999 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:25,000 "any line, 1000 00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:26,240 "any pill." 1001 00:38:27,240 --> 00:38:28,760 And I thought, "Oh, my God." 1002 00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:31,120 Even if you don't agree with that, 1003 00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:33,080 just think about that on a chemical level. 1004 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:36,560 If that's how amazing parenting 1005 00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:39,880 can just naturally feel to some people... 1006 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:41,480 LOUISE EXHALES 1007 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:44,520 ..imagine how good parenting must feel on drugs. 1008 00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:46,880 LAUGHTER 1009 00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:49,000 So I'm looking forward to that. 1010 00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:50,640 It'll be great. 1011 00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:53,480 Give me a cheer if you've been to Newcastle upon Tyne before. 1012 00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:55,400 CHEERING 1013 00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:56,520 Most of you. 1014 00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:57,640 Give me a cheer if you've not been. 1015 00:38:57,640 --> 00:38:58,920 SIMILAR CHEERING 1016 00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:00,960 That was the same people cheering twice there 1017 00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:02,600 for something to do, wasn't it? 1018 00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:03,880 Cos I try and... I don't... 1019 00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:06,880 I think Newcastle is quite a risky place to live, right, 1020 00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:10,560 if you are susceptible to madness, cos it's such a party city, right? 1021 00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:12,440 And... 1022 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:15,480 So there's a TV moment that happened in Newcastle upon Tyne, 1023 00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:18,600 where I'm from, and it sums up the place so beautifully. 1024 00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:20,800 So, just let me paint this picture for you, 1025 00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:23,560 because it's one of my favourite TV moments of all time, right? 1026 00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:27,560 And so the clip is on a documentary called Booze Britain. 1027 00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:28,880 LAUGHTER 1028 00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:30,960 You know where I'm going with this, you're not stupid. 1029 00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:33,160 So, it's obviously a documentary about how 1030 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:34,760 people in the UK drink too much - 1031 00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:36,360 it was on about 15 years ago - 1032 00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:39,640 and they're going around Newcastle for one of the episodes, right? 1033 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:41,800 And they get talking on the street... 1034 00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:43,880 It's like a fly-on-the-wall type thing, 1035 00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:47,760 and they get talking on the street to this woman called Debbie, OK? 1036 00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:51,280 And they're like, "Debbie," are you having a good night out? 1037 00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:52,720 As yous can imagine, Debbie, 1038 00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:55,320 "I'm having a fucking wicked night out. Thank you." 1039 00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,840 She's off her tits, bless her heart, right? 1040 00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:01,000 And so what they do on the documentary is 1041 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:03,520 they make Debbie do a breathalyser, right? 1042 00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:05,720 I know, it was very unethical, 1043 00:40:05,720 --> 00:40:07,480 it was ten years ago, 15 years ago, 1044 00:40:07,480 --> 00:40:10,560 before anyone cared about anyone's feelings, right? 1045 00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:12,800 So they make Debbie do a breathalyser, 1046 00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:14,120 they take a reading 1047 00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:17,440 and then the show the camera, right? 1048 00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:20,680 And on the next scene of this documentary, you see Debbie, 1049 00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:22,560 oh, she's dancing around on the table, 1050 00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:25,000 she's trying to rip her top off, she's going insane. 1051 00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:27,160 She's having a genuinely wonderful night out, 1052 00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:28,440 she's letting go, right? 1053 00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:30,360 But at that precise moment, 1054 00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:34,280 the voiceover on the documentary just goes... 1055 00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:36,040 CLEARING THROAT 1056 00:40:36,040 --> 00:40:39,760 "Debbie may be feeling in the party spirit 1057 00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:42,920 "but, medically, she has enough alcohol in her bloodstream 1058 00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:45,360 "to be in a potentially fatal coma." 1059 00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:47,440 LAUGHTER 1060 00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:50,280 Welcome to my home. 1061 00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:52,960 Cos screw the coma, Debbie did the Macarena. 1062 00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:54,240 LAUGHTER 1063 00:40:54,240 --> 00:40:55,400 It was wonderful. 1064 00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:58,000 You know a lot of it... Right, I was thinking about this - 1065 00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:01,600 a lot of comedians will ham up how crazy they are, 1066 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:03,880 like, for comedic effect. 1067 00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:06,440 I don't want yous to think that I would ever do that, right? 1068 00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:09,320 And I've got kind of proof of how insane I used to be, right? 1069 00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:12,560 So I was doing a comedy club in the North East, 1070 00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:15,160 and Gazza, Paul Gascoigne, was in the audience. 1071 00:41:15,160 --> 00:41:16,760 Do we all know who Gazza is? 1072 00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:18,240 CHEERING 1073 00:41:18,240 --> 00:41:20,480 If anyone doesn't know, very, very quickly, 1074 00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:23,640 right, he was a Geordie footballer in the '90s, 1075 00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:26,800 issues with drink and drugs, really mad life, 1076 00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:28,800 once tried to save an assassin with a fishing rod. 1077 00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:30,240 LAUGHTER 1078 00:41:30,240 --> 00:41:31,440 That is true, right? 1079 00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:33,120 So, he's in the audience, right? 1080 00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:35,760 And I was quite a new comedian, so I'm doing, like... 1081 00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:38,240 I was doing a lot of jokes about going off the rails 1082 00:41:38,240 --> 00:41:39,400 and how mental I was. 1083 00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:42,720 This is how I know my life must have been objectively ridiculous. 1084 00:41:42,720 --> 00:41:45,080 When I got offstage, 1085 00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:47,200 Gazza, Paul Gascoigne, 1086 00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:49,720 ran up to us - this is true - 1087 00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:53,560 he gave us a massive big hug and he went, "Oh, Louise, 1088 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:56,440 "it's like we've had the same life." 1089 00:41:56,440 --> 00:41:58,600 LAUGHTER 1090 00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:03,400 That's when you know your life's been frigging shambolic. 1091 00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:08,160 When Gazza is relating to you on a seriously deep level. 1092 00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:10,320 "It's like we've had the same life, me and you." 1093 00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:11,640 But he's not wrong. 1094 00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:14,120 I'm not taking the piss, like I say, said, you know, 1095 00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:15,480 when I played for England. 1096 00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:17,120 LAUGHTER 1097 00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:18,400 That was great. 1098 00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:20,440 No, but when he became a Turkish lesbian, that was outrageous... 1099 00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:22,240 LAUGHTER 1100 00:42:22,240 --> 00:42:23,760 ..when he did that, wasn't it? 1101 00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:25,840 I'm going to leave you with this, this last joke, 1102 00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:27,520 it's a philosophical joke, 1103 00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:29,800 it's more for you to kind of ponder 1104 00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:31,480 on the way home this evening, right? 1105 00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:33,240 Just let this marinate in your heads. 1106 00:42:33,240 --> 00:42:35,600 So, this blew my mind, this. 1107 00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:38,000 So, statistically, 1108 00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:40,560 some taxi drivers will be serial killers. 1109 00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:42,520 So have a lovely evening and... 1110 00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:44,200 LAUGHTER 1111 00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:45,360 Right, I've been Louise Young, 1112 00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:47,640 you've been wonderful. Thanks for having us. Goodnight. Cheers. 1113 00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:49,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1114 00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:51,680 Yes, yes, yes, Ladies and gentlemen. 1115 00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:53,200 Louise Young! 1116 00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:55,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1117 00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:58,040 Apollo, thank you so, so much for coming out tonight. 1118 00:42:58,040 --> 00:42:59,960 It's been an incredible line-up. 1119 00:42:59,960 --> 00:43:02,600 Make some noise for Louise Young... 1120 00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:03,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1121 00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:05,400 ..for Kae Kurd... 1122 00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:06,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1123 00:43:06,720 --> 00:43:08,520 ..and I've been your host, Tom Davis. 1124 00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:10,240 Apollo, out! 1125 00:43:10,240 --> 00:43:12,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1126 00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:17,560 Monster Funk by Barrie Gledden & Scott Lefanu