1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,120 MUSIC: Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet 2 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:11,800 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour 3 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:16,800 # Oh, yeah... # 4 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:20,000 Ladies and gentlemen, 5 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,400 please welcome your host for tonight, 6 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:24,720 Iain Stirling! 7 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:27,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:38,000 Ladies and gentlemen, 9 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:40,760 welcome to Live at the Apollo! 10 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:44,000 CHEERING 11 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,680 Pleasure to be here in London. 12 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,440 Where are my Londoners at? 13 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:50,000 CHEERING 14 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,880 I've lived in London 15 years. 15 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,560 Eh, 15 years I've been in London. 16 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:55,640 What a fantastic place. 17 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,680 When I first moved to London, I moved to South London. 18 00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,600 My friend said to me, "Be careful, mate, 19 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,640 "in Saf London, bruv, yeah? 20 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:02,960 "They'll fuck you up, yeah? 21 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,960 "Saf London, you know what I mean, yeah?" 22 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:08,040 But, erm, I moved to Richmond, and, erm... 23 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,280 ..they were lovely! 24 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,040 If anything, I mugged them. D'you know what I mean? 25 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:20,040 It's nice to have a nice mix of people in. 26 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,920 We've got some older... I see some older people. 27 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,000 I see some young guys. There's some young people in. 28 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,000 We've got some Gen Zs. 29 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,400 Welcome. They can't... 30 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:31,640 They can't cheer too loud because of their anxiety. 31 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,600 HIGH-PITCH VOICE: Ooh! 32 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:37,480 Oh, oh! 33 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,000 I'm triggered! 34 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,400 I'm going to hide! 35 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,840 They're good people. 36 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,000 I'm jealous of you. 37 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,040 I mean, I'm a millennial. 38 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,880 I don't even know what clothes to wear any more. 39 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:49,880 I used to have the skinny jean. Do you remember that? 40 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,680 I think, "Well, what do you wear?" Do you know what I mean? 41 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:53,480 I see the Gen Z-ers, and they've got their cargo pants. 42 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,920 That's what the young guys wear, cargo pants. 43 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:58,320 They've got so many pockets, you know? 44 00:01:58,320 --> 00:01:59,800 It's for all their medication. 45 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:00,960 And, erm... 46 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,200 As a millennial, I'm like, "Phone, wallet, keys." 47 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:12,480 They're like, "Anxiety, ADHD... 48 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,480 "..house keys - can't afford them. Antidepressants." 49 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:21,000 No, but I get it, right? I'm not taking the mick. 50 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,240 Like, young people in this room, of course you've got anxiety. 51 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,320 Do you know what I mean? 52 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,680 You've got legitimate things to be anxious about. 53 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,400 You're young people, you know? 54 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,800 I'm a millennial. I've got anxieties as well. 55 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,080 They're not as big. 56 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:35,440 But, hey, my feelings are valid, OK? 57 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,680 OK? Check your privilege at the door. 58 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:39,280 Thank you very much. 59 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:44,320 Yes, yes, Gen Z-ers are anxious - about by the age of 40 60 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:48,000 they're all going to have to swim to work due to global warming. 61 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:52,840 We get it. I've got to go to the dentist every now and again, OK? 62 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,520 Yeah, the dentist. 63 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,800 I can't go. I'm too anxious about it. 64 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,960 I'm not scared of drills or any of that. 65 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:03,200 I just can't be left in a room on my own with a man, 66 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,480 as I get slowly reclined into the therapy position 67 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:10,320 and then lie to him about how much sugar I've had. 68 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,880 No, the reason I can't go to the dentist, and please tell me 69 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:17,640 this isn't just me, is every time I go to the dentist 70 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:23,240 and whenever the dentist puts anything in my mouth - 71 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,800 please say this isn't just me - but when anything enters my mouth 72 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:32,600 at the dentist, my tongue starts to behave... 73 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,160 ..like a professional porn star. 74 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,920 "La-la-la-la-la-la! What the..." 75 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,480 Trying to deep throat his drill. 76 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:45,760 "Ahhh!" 77 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,360 Like I'm possessed. "Your mother sucks cocks in hell! 78 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:49,400 "La-la-la-la-la!" 79 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:57,720 And I salivate too much as well, so that's a genuine thing. 80 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:00,640 The last time I went to the dentist, I needed four fillings. 81 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:04,280 During the second filling, I was salivating so much 82 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:08,840 the dentist had to send for a second woman with another suction hose. 83 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,240 I got double suckies that day! 84 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,800 Two suction hoses and a drill in my mouth at the same time. 85 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,800 My tongue was like, "Woo, gang bang! La-la-la-la!" 86 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:22,000 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 87 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,040 But it's nice back doing stand-up. 88 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,280 I took a couple of years off. 89 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:29,880 I was actually a stay-at-home dad for a bit. 90 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,600 CHEERS Yeah. 91 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,640 To the people from Richmond, a stay-at-home dad, 92 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,160 it's like a nanny, but it's you. 93 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:38,600 So... 94 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,200 It's great being a dad. I learned two things being a dad. 95 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:44,240 One, I love being a dad. I'm a good dad. 96 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,480 And two... Thank you. 97 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:50,680 And, two, I learned that it is so easy... 98 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,400 Ladies, please wait! 99 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,880 Look at the mums. "Fuck you. I'm going to... 100 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,880 "I'm going to stab him, right here in..." 101 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:02,960 It is so easy to be a good dad 102 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:09,280 because society in the UK has set the bar for dads, 103 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:12,040 oh, so wonderfully low. 104 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,040 I thought it'd be a challenge. 105 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,720 People just coming up to me, "Is your daughter alive and dressed? 106 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,200 "You're a hero!" 107 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:21,560 "Thank you very much." 108 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,360 "Are you sober right now?" 109 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,440 "No." 110 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,040 "Well, it's 3pm and it is tricky, 111 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,000 "so don't be hard on yourself." 112 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:32,720 But I love being a dad. 113 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,200 It's so much better than the alternative, isn't it? 114 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:36,400 Being a mum. 115 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,080 Urgh - no, thank you, actually. 116 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:43,040 Very different societal, you know... 117 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,400 Harder. 118 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:46,840 It's a joke. 119 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:50,600 It's... Even on a biological level, it is a joke how unfair 120 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,000 that balance is, even on a biological level. 121 00:05:54,000 --> 00:06:00,840 Biologically, a lady has got to grow the baby in her body 122 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:04,840 and then feed the baby with her body. 123 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:09,280 It feels like God could have split that... 124 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,800 ..50-50? 125 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,400 That is the most useless you'll feel as a bloke, 126 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:15,800 when you get your partner pregnant. 127 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,400 I'm just stood next to my wife. 128 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:20,880 She's performing magic with her body, growing someone else's 129 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:25,240 shin in her own stomach, and then I'm just stood next to her, 130 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:28,720 with my nipples that don't work, actually. 131 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,000 Just... "I'm helping, I think. 132 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:37,400 "Maybe it's like almonds and they'll find a way!" 133 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:40,800 Being a mum - no, thank you! 134 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,000 And you've got to give birth. 135 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,640 Blech! 136 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,000 What? 137 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,000 As a lady, you've got to give birth - 138 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:52,320 major surgery, or you've got to push a baby out of your own body. 139 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,680 And if you're lucky enough to be married, 140 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:59,000 you might have the opportunity to stare across the hospital ward 141 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,280 at your husband. 142 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,480 Mm! What comfort that is. 143 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:07,880 You've just given birth and you just look over to someone going... 144 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:15,320 WHINEY VOICE: "Mm-hm-hm! I've been sat in a chair for 30 hours! 145 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:18,760 "My neck's kind of sore! 146 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:23,320 "You won't understand because you've been allowed to lie down, but... 147 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,840 "..my neck's very sore. 148 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,960 "Do you remember when I got you that Lucozade?" 149 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:33,200 "Yeah, thanks for the Lucozade, but currently my arsehole 150 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:37,280 "and vagina are the same thing, so... 151 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:42,280 "Take your Lucozade, shove it sideways, pop it up your arse. 152 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:43,840 "Thank you very much!" 153 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,280 And then the new one. Get back to work - 154 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:48,680 that's the new one for mums. 155 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,480 "Get back to work, quick as you can. 156 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,000 "Don't be a drain on society. 157 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,480 "Get back to work, quick as you can. 158 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,760 "But not straight away because that means you don't care. 159 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,400 "But get back to work. But not straight away. 160 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,400 "Get back to work. Not straight away. 161 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,160 "You don't care. And lose the baby fat. 162 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,320 "Oh, my God, will you look at the state of you? Lose the baby fat. 163 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,560 "Don't lose all the baby fat because then other mums will 164 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,720 "judge you, but lose the baby fat. Not all of it. And breast-feed. 165 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,880 "Oh, my God, you must breast-feed. 166 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:15,600 "If you don't breast-feed, your baby will have eight arms and ADHD. 167 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:21,000 "You must breast-feed. But do it in private, you dirty whore!" 168 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 169 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,480 So, you know, getting back to work, 170 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,440 losing the baby fat, breast-feeding, 171 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,320 but your baby's under a cape in case you're in the office and your boss 172 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,200 gets a hard-on, the creep. 173 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,560 And now the new one - you've got to post on social media. 174 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,920 "Be a good mum, post on social media. 175 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,240 "Show that you're a good mum. 176 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,480 "But cover the baby's face with an emoji because paedophiles." 177 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,200 What is going on?! 178 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,280 No, I think I'm a good dad. 179 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,160 Husband is harder. 180 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:56,040 I really want to be a good husband, but it's harder. 181 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,120 I'm going to say that right now. 182 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,000 I feel I'm being quite generous to the women in the room so far, 183 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,920 but when it comes to marriage the power balance is insane. 184 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:10,200 I feel like women have access to all the rules, and as a husband 185 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:14,000 you don't know the rules and then your life is guessing. 186 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,400 "Is that the rule?" And she goes, "Yeah - new rule." 187 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:17,920 And that's marriage. 188 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,760 And, you know, I'm not... No, listen. 189 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,680 We've had a fun few minutes here, but, you know, this is.. 190 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,280 It's on the telly. This is... 191 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,640 I'm a serious guy, and I want to talk about, 192 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,440 you know, serious stuff. 193 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,560 Yeah? 194 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,560 Because in all long-term relationships, 195 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,680 sometimes this happens. 196 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,920 And the man does this thing, and it is, erm... 197 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,280 It's repugnant. 198 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,000 Please. 199 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,080 And I'm not proud of it, but I did it. 200 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:51,720 And, erm, basically, what happened is, at night, in bed... 201 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,200 ..I started, erm... 202 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:57,680 ..breathing. 203 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,960 And straight women fucking hate breathing - 204 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,720 they hate it. 205 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:10,360 I don't know what happens to ladies' hearing when they go above 25, 206 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,920 but they all become X-Men. It is insane. 207 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,040 The minute your head hits the pillow, you're like, 208 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,040 "I just heard a door close in Leeds." 209 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:19,640 "How did you hear that?!" 210 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,640 And what I hear is, and the men'll know this, 211 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,480 men get tarnished with this brush, 212 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,840 that we're all these, like, clumsy idiots 213 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,080 that just bound about at night waking you up. 214 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,160 We're not! 215 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,840 We don't want to wake you up. 216 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,160 We don't. 217 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,720 The most anxious we feel is when your partner goes, 218 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,720 "All right, babe, that's me off to bed. 219 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,080 "Don't wake me." 220 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,440 You're like, "Fuck, that's impossible! 221 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,200 "How do I not wake her?" 222 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,320 I get... Breathing! 223 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,520 There'll be men in this room that have been woken up 224 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,840 in the middle of the night, just... 225 00:10:58,920 --> 00:10:59,960 "What happened?" 226 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,760 "YOU were breathing. You were breathing... 227 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,640 "..too loud." My wife gave me a curveball. 228 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,920 She told me I was breathing too hot. 229 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,320 "Too hot?" 230 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,280 "You're breathing too hot." 231 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:15,960 "Sorry, that's absolutely on me. 232 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:19,080 "That's the whole being alive thing. That's my bad. 233 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,520 "That's my central nervous system. 234 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:24,560 "It's creating heat which is escaping through my mouth. 235 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,800 "I've got blood, selfishly, pumping around my body. 236 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,320 "I apologise. I'll tell you what, I'll hold my breath - 237 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:36,560 "you go to sleep. You've got about 90 seconds before I pass away. 238 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,280 "Have a melatonin, please. Thank you." 239 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:45,520 I told my friend that story, and then he told me that one 240 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:49,600 time his wife woke him up because he wasn't breathing loud enough, 241 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:53,080 and she wanted to check that he was still alive. 242 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,240 That's too loud, too hot, too quiet! 243 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,800 What are we meant to do?! 244 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,920 And then we've got to get to bed and not wake you? 245 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,120 We hate it! 246 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,680 Every man in this room will know the loudest step on the stairs 247 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,200 up to their bedroom. 248 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,280 We've all gone, "One, two. Nope - 249 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,520 "I've been caught out by that in the past." 250 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,880 There'll be grown men in this room that have snuck... 251 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,720 Snuck, like little mice, into their own bedrooms, 252 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,720 like that, "Don't wake her. 253 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:28,360 "Whatever you do, don't wake the goblin. She's... 254 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,880 "She's ever so angry when she's awoken." 255 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,200 Holy water in your back pocket. 256 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,880 "The power of Christ compels you!" 257 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,560 WHISPERING: You've got to sneak. 258 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:49,160 Adult men, sneaking into their own beds. 259 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,800 And then they've got to dangle over the bed like Tom Cruise 260 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,120 in Mission: Impossible. 261 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,600 Lower yourself onto the pillows, just very... 262 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,400 "Don't wake up, for the love of God, don't wake..." 263 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:07,640 And you can feel a bead of sweat coming down your brow. 264 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:10,720 And it drips off the end of your nose and delicately 265 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,040 touches the pillow. 266 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:15,200 And she's like, "What the fuck was that? Argh!" 267 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:22,120 But then, like I said, in marriage the rules change, 268 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,240 just slightly, don't they? 269 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,920 Because that's what happens when the wife is asleep 270 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,440 and the husband comes in late. 271 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,240 But when the husband is asleep 272 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:36,000 and the wife comes in late, 273 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,920 very different state of affairs, actually. 274 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,040 A little bit subtle - see if you can notice it, 275 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,480 but it's sort of more like this. 276 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,320 HE YELLS: "Babe, I'm home!" 277 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,240 Your high heels on - it sounds like you've ridden a fucking horse 278 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,720 into the kitchen. 279 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,400 "That's me back, baaaabe! 280 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:02,720 "You won't believe what Claire said tonight." 281 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:08,480 "Well, I hope she said go to bed. It is 2am. 282 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:09,920 "How is this fair? 283 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:13,600 "I sneezed last night and you flicked me in the Adam's apple." 284 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,520 "Be up in a minute, babe. 285 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:21,480 "Just going to make a quick drink, OK? 286 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:23,680 "A smoothie!" 287 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,000 HE IMITATES BLENDER 288 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:33,720 HE YELLS: "Would you like any of my late night smoothie?" 289 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,040 "I'll be up in a minute, babe. 290 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,520 "I'm just going to put up these shelves, OK?" 291 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,360 And then it's upstairs to bed. 292 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,760 "Mm... Upstairs to bed, but what light to put on? 293 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,040 "Hmm? What light? 294 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,680 "All of them!" Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. 295 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,800 All the lights on. She's holding a torch. 296 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,280 Where did she get the torch from? Nobody knows! 297 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:08,960 Upstairs to go to the toilet. 298 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,600 But it's not any toilet, is it? 299 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,840 Because it's a lady that's been on a night out wee, 300 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,040 which means she's not weed in about four weeks. 301 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:22,080 And then the loudest wee known to man starts happening. 302 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,760 Men have half a beer and we're like, 303 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,760 "I'm going to piss myself, immediately." 304 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:29,560 Women just store it all in, and then you just see them, door open. 305 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,440 Pshhhhh! 306 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,720 "Have we turned on white noise? What is going on here?" 307 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:38,800 Pshhhhhhhh! 308 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,960 Why is that? Why is that? 309 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,360 The women know. 310 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:49,800 The men, some of them don't know. 311 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,040 I'm about to tell you why. 312 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,240 Those are the rules. And it's very simple. 313 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,960 It is because women... 314 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,360 ..gents, women resent us, OK? 315 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:04,440 They resent that men are simple creatures, 316 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,640 idiots who at night can just go to sleep. 317 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,640 Men - "No worries for me. Goodnight!" 318 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,720 Watch the news, watch the news. 319 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,880 No worries. Sleep. 320 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:22,600 Whereas women get into bed and they're like, 321 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,680 "OK, time to have every thought, ever. That'll be fun." 322 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,000 HE LAUGHS 323 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,480 Little joke for the women. 324 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:34,040 Here's an impression of every man going to sleep, ever. 325 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,560 Erm, am I hungry? 326 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,080 No. HE SNORES 327 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,600 Men just conk straight out. 328 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,960 But women, they get into bed. "OK, time to sleep. Just sleep. 329 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,840 "It's easy. Just go to sleep. 330 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,960 "It's fine. Go to sleep. And... 331 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,280 "..we've got people. We've got friends round on Sunday, 332 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,480 "and there's not going to be enough chairs for everyone. 333 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,640 "There's not enough chairs for everyone to sit 334 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,720 "at the table for lunch. But that's OK. 335 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,560 "We'll get the office chair from the spare room. 336 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,480 "We'll get the office chair. We'll bring it. 337 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,400 "It's not high enough for the table, but that's fine. 338 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:13,480 "We can put Claire's weirdly tall husband there, 339 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:14,760 "and get him away from me. 340 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,800 "They've got cats. He stinks. I'll just get him over there. 341 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,920 "That's fine. We'll get that done. That's fine. Just... 342 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:23,080 "It's Sunday - that's Sunday. This is Wednesday. 343 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,520 "Just don't think about it. Just go to sl... Have we got a will? 344 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,560 "Have we... 345 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,160 "..made a will? I'll ask him. 346 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,880 "'Have we...' He's asleep. 347 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:35,160 "He's asleep. He's asleep, and we don't even have a will. 348 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,360 "How can... 349 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,960 "How can you sleep when you don't have a will? 350 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,360 "That makes no... He's scratching his balls while he's asleep, 351 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:46,400 "and we are will-less. How can you do... 352 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,000 "How can he sleep with..." 353 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:51,920 "What happened?" 354 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:55,040 "YOU were breathing, OK? You were breathing." 355 00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,760 Anyway, ladies and gentlemen at the Apollo, 356 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,960 are you ready for a fantastic night? 357 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 358 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,120 Your first act is one of the best comics on the circuit. 359 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,920 You are in for an absolute treat, 360 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,040 so please go wild and crazy, 361 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:14,040 and welcome to the stage Harriet Dyer! 362 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:19,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 363 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,840 All right? LAUGHTER 364 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,080 Do you think I've got the face of a vegan? 365 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:44,520 Face of a vegan, morals of a sausage. 366 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,240 And I've got a very long neck. 367 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:49,880 I've got a neck like a swan. 368 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,720 And I know I've got a neck like a swan 369 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,840 because once I was in a park and a swan followed me, 370 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:59,400 and I think cos it was trying to mate with me for life. 371 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,960 I knew a girl in Cornwall that got her kids taken away 372 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,680 from her because she left them with a group of swans. 373 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,360 But I think, if you can't trust something to look after your kids 374 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,240 that used to be protected by the Queen - 375 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:17,520 Andrew aside... 376 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,480 ..who can you trust, you know? 377 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,040 I said it in court and I'd say it again. 378 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,520 Once I was being gormless in London, 379 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:38,800 and I got swept up as part of an exchange trip... 380 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,520 ..because the woman in charge genuinely thought 381 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,120 I was a German boy. 382 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,720 Das ist nicht gut! 383 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,200 Sometimes I wonder what my life would've been like 384 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,840 if I'd have got on that coach. 385 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,440 I think, "Would I have lived till longer if I'd have started 386 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,800 "a new life as a boy, as an adult?" 387 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,360 Something for us all to think about. 388 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,560 I love, like, rubbish TV. 389 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,400 Like Come Dine With Me. 390 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,000 Love Come Dine With Me, right? 391 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,880 A CHEER Ooh... Oh! 392 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,160 Wa-wa-wa-wa! Love it. 393 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,040 And my favourite thing about Come Dine With Me is 394 00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:30,160 in every single episode there's always a middle aged woman, 395 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,720 and she always turns up at everyone's house, 396 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:36,160 and she always has a bottle of wine, and she always says these words. 397 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,960 She always goes, "Oh, the party's here!" 398 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,960 I once, before I drove, 399 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,960 I once, after a night out, woke up in the middle of 400 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,280 a roundabout in a car that wasn't mine, 401 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,160 with all the doors open, 402 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,080 and on my lap there was a cat. 403 00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,200 And in the boot of the car there was a fold-up bicycle 404 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,240 and a massive bag of pills. 405 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:06,560 And I unfolded the bicycle, put the cat in the basket, 406 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:11,480 and cycled to a party, knocked on the door with a big bag of pills. 407 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,320 And even then I didn't say, 408 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,000 "The party's here." 409 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,800 Give us a cheer if you're mentally ill. 410 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,840 CHEERING Ah, ha-ha-ha! 411 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,120 Woohoo! 412 00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,400 Yeah, I'm mental. 413 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,800 "What?!" 414 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,920 Yeah. My thing is I've got bipolar, 415 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:41,760 and, once, I was on a date with a man - always a surprise. 416 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,000 Erm, I'm... 417 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,560 I'm surprised! 418 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,080 I don't look like I'd be a fan of the sau-sage. 419 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,800 I was on a date with a man, and I had me bum bag on 420 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,840 because players gonna play. 421 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:04,000 And my... I had my medication in my bum bag, and my date goes, 422 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,800 "What's that?", and I said, 423 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,440 "Oh, it's my medication because I've got bipolar." 424 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,200 And he goes, "Oh, bipolar. 425 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,040 "Does that mean you're going to murder me in the night?" 426 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,520 So I said, "Well, it DIDN'T mean that." 427 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,640 Yeah, I feel bad about a few things I did when I was mental. 428 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,640 Like, obviously I couldn't help it because I was being... 429 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,480 I was mental, but, like, I upset a lot of people, 430 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,120 I worried a lot of people, because I used to spend my time 431 00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,280 creeping up on people in alleyways. 432 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,760 Yeah, and I'd, like, stand really close to them from behind. 433 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:39,920 And I'd whisper over their shoulders, 434 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:41,480 "I'm your shadow." 435 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:46,520 It's upsetting. 436 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:50,560 And something else I used to do when I was very mental, 437 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,160 and if I'm completely honest with you, I wouldn't rule this out 438 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,800 for happening again in the future, is... 439 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,760 This world is very overwhelming, 440 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:01,040 so sometimes I'd be like, "Mm... I've had enough. 441 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:02,760 "I'm off down the sewers. Ah..." 442 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:08,840 And once I was down the sewers, and... 443 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,080 And the manhole cover got stuck. 444 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:17,520 So then my brain was like, "Well, guess this is my life now. 445 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,200 "Just... 446 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,800 "Just me beneath the sewers." 447 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,640 And that's the good thing about being consistently mentally ill, 448 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:29,960 is if ever you do go missing it'll only be a matter of time 449 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:33,880 until someone's like, "Has anyone checked the sewers?" 450 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:39,160 There I am. "Ha!" 451 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,920 That's my "I'm down the sewers" voice, which is the same as my... 452 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:46,960 You know when you change your duvet cover, and you, like, 453 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:53,080 get inside the duvet cover to make the corners meet, 454 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:56,600 do you ever pretend you're a flying fox? 455 00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:58,800 And you go, "Ha!" 456 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,400 It's also my voice... He's just like, "Absolutely not. 457 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,560 "What are you on about, you mad bitch?" 458 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,320 I'm quite spitty as well. It's good that you... 459 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,360 If you noticed, I'm really spitty. 460 00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:13,520 Yeah. 461 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,480 Once I spat on this lady at a gig and I said, "I'm so sorry, 462 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,920 "I've just spat on you." 463 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,040 And she goes, "Oh, no, you didn't. You didn't spit on me." 464 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,520 And I said, "Well, it's ever so nice that you're saying I didn't spit 465 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,440 "on you to make me feel better, 466 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:27,000 "But I know that you're lying because it lit your phone up." 467 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,400 Like, the light... 468 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:31,600 The light came on. 469 00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:38,760 Something I like to do after I do gigs on the weekend is I go 470 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,960 for some chips. 471 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,520 I go for some chips, I go to a kebab shop. 472 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:48,080 And what I've learned is, whatever kebab shop you go to late at night, 473 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:52,320 there's always a man in there doing this at the menu. 474 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:08,160 So I like to go in and just do this opposite him. 475 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:20,240 For long enough until he's like, "Shit, am I the menu?" 476 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,400 Oh, well... 477 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,960 I've moved house. I moved house, and then didn't have internet in 478 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:36,360 the new house so I was waiting in for the internet person to come 479 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,000 fit the internet in the new house. 480 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:42,080 And it got to five in the evening, and my partner - a man... 481 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:46,040 ..he text me and he goes, 482 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,280 "Why didn't you let the internet person in?" 483 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,200 I said, "Are you blooming kidding me? 484 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:54,560 "I've waited in all day listening to the door, and I haven't even 485 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,000 "had lunch cos I've been listening." 486 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:00,320 But I wear hearing aids. 487 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:02,880 Who gets the one person that can't hear to stay in 488 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,200 listening for something? 489 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,800 I think there should be a thing when you're filling out a form 490 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,040 for someone to come around your house, or do the internet 491 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,000 or whatever, there should be a bit at the bottom of the form, 492 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,160 "Are you a deaf bastard?" 493 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,640 "Yes." 494 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:22,240 So the person comes round, rings the doorbell. 495 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,880 No-one answers. They're about to leave. 496 00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:28,240 Then they look at the form and they're like, "Wait a minute. 497 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:31,040 "This person's a deaf bastard." 498 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:36,440 So then they put a hedgehog through the letterbox, right? 499 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:38,240 This is not just any hedgehog. 500 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,320 This is Clarice the... 501 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:44,080 CREEPY VOICE: 'Rat-a-tat-tat-tat, someone's-at-the-door' hedgehog. 502 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,600 And he goes to the floor, starts doing laps. 503 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:48,680 # Da-da, da-da Da-da-da, da-da-da! # 504 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,960 Because you don't need ears for that. 505 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:54,280 Your peripheral vision will tell you that's there. 506 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,960 WILD LAUGHTER And it's... 507 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,000 Thank you, fellow mental. 508 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,160 And it's not a hedgehog for no reason. 509 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:06,840 Its little spikes will be dredging up the carpet. 510 00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:10,720 And then even if I'm in a different room, it will just suddenly be, 511 00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,600 like, whipped out from underneath me, 512 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:17,200 and I'll be like, "Whoa! Like, what the hell is that?" 513 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:19,640 I'll be like, "Oh, it's only bloody Clarice the... 514 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:22,800 CREEPY VOICE: 'Rat-a-tat-tat-tat, someone's at the door'." 515 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,280 And I'm no Poirot, 516 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:29,040 but I reckon someone's at the door. You see? 517 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,360 Pick him up, go to the door. 518 00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,880 You'll never guess who's at the door. 519 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:36,320 A massive hedgehog, with hearing aids, 520 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,720 and next to him is a little me going, 521 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,000 # Da-da, da-da Da-da-da, da-da-da... # 522 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,800 To tell him that I'm now at the door. 523 00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:51,120 Quite a long bit, that. 524 00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:02,320 Still not finished! 525 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:04,400 And then... 526 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,040 ..I go like that, 527 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:07,600 and then Clarice, the... 528 00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:10,440 'Rat-a-tat-tat-tat, someone's at the door', and the... 529 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,960 # Da-da, da-da Da-da-da, da-da-da! # 530 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,480 ..me both get on my back and off we go. 531 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:19,040 And they've been breeding. 532 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,840 You might've noticed there's a lot of hedgehogs going around now 533 00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:23,920 with very long necks. 534 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,280 But less accidents - when was the last time you seen 535 00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:29,360 a squashed hedgehog? 536 00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:33,400 Because now when they go to cross the road, they just... 537 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,440 ..have a good old look. 538 00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:40,520 Anyway, so there's that. 539 00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:45,080 Or they could just text. 540 00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:53,760 To let you know they're out the door. 541 00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:57,320 My partner, he's a lovely chap. 542 00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:00,400 I fell in love with him because he's the fastest slowest walker 543 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:01,840 I've ever met. 544 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,320 So he walks like this, he goes... 545 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,600 "Can't stop. Must dash." 546 00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:15,560 And his dad passed away before I met him. 547 00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:18,960 So I asked him what his dad looked like, and a normal person 548 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:20,720 would show me a photo. 549 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:23,680 But with him, I said, "Oh, what did your dad look like?" 550 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,080 And he goes... 551 00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:34,240 I've since seen a photo and it's spot on. 552 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,400 Does anyone here have to take a photo of where they've parked 553 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:42,880 their car in order to know where it is, 554 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:46,680 and then you follow the pictures back like Hansel and Gretel? 555 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:47,920 Yeah. 556 00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,720 And I thought, because sometimes if I've been saying stuff onstage 557 00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:52,600 for a bit, I think it's not even true any more, 558 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,160 so I thought, "Maybe I'm just saying it onstage and it's not true." 559 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,280 So then the other week I didn't take a photo 560 00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:58,960 of where I parked my car. 561 00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:00,280 What a hullabaloo. 562 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:03,040 I didn't even know this was possible. 563 00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:06,680 I've ended up blooming paying for parking for a car park 564 00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:08,400 that my car was not in. 565 00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:12,680 And then my car was captured in a different car park. 566 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,680 So you always take a photo, right? 567 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,480 That's what I did the other month. 568 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,960 Multistorey car park, Level 5. 569 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:22,560 Took a photo. Off I went. 570 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:23,720 Came back. 571 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:25,320 "Where the Dickens is my car?" 572 00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:27,720 And then I've gone all the different levels looking for it, 573 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:29,600 and I was like, 574 00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:31,320 "Every level is Level 5." 575 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:35,800 Five mile an hour sign 576 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,520 is what I was taking a photo of. 577 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:40,440 Ay, ay, ay! 578 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:42,480 Oh, well, this has been a dream come true. 579 00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:44,280 All the best in your endeavours. 580 00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:46,800 Genuinely, I really appreciate it. 581 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:47,880 I've been Harriet Dyer. 582 00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:49,000 Thanks so much. Cheers. 583 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:51,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cheers. 584 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:58,160 Harriet Dyer, everybody! 585 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 586 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:02,760 Oh, wow. 587 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:06,520 Ladies and gentlemen of the Apollo, are you ready for your next act? 588 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:07,960 CHEERING 589 00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,440 She's absolutely fantastic. You're going to love her. 590 00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:11,920 Please go wild and crazy. 591 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:15,080 Welcome to the stage Maria Shehata! 592 00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:19,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 593 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:27,480 Ah! Hi. 594 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:30,280 Oh, this is amazing. 595 00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:32,560 I live in the UK. I love it here. 596 00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,600 Moved here from LA. CHEERING 597 00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:37,520 All right, I'll take that. Thank you so much. 598 00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:40,160 That was warm. That was... I felt that in my heart. 599 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:41,560 That was beautiful. 600 00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:44,520 I miss LA a lot, like, right now. 601 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:47,800 And I... You know, I miss the way everybody there came up to me 602 00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,000 speaking Spanish all the time. 603 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,480 Right into Spanish. I don't speak Spanish. 604 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:55,680 And they get upset if you don't speak it back. 605 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,840 One guy was like, "What's the matter, mija? 606 00:31:57,840 --> 00:31:59,840 "Your mother never taught you Spanish?" 607 00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:00,960 "No," 608 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,520 because I'm Egyptian - I don't know why she would've done that. 609 00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:07,440 It seems totally unnecessary. 610 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:08,840 He wouldn't let it go either. 611 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:10,000 He's like, "You must be half. 612 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:11,920 "Are you half Latina? You must be half. 613 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:13,800 I'm like, "I'm not at all. But I get it. 614 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:16,600 "I'm short. I'm brown. 615 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:19,960 "My name is Maria." Um... 616 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:21,360 "I've got a big ass - I get it. 617 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,240 "I've tricked you, and I'm sorry. I'm just... 618 00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,880 "I'm not at all Latina, OK? So if you don't mind, 619 00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:30,000 "I'd like to get back to eating my burrito. Thank you very much. 620 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:35,080 I know Americans aren't very popular right now. 621 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:39,080 SILENCE THEN LAUGHTER 622 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:40,840 Forever! 623 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,120 No-one's ever come up to me and been like, 624 00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:45,800 "You're American? I love Americans. Let's hear your story. 625 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:47,240 "That's awesome." 626 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,000 I get it - we suck. I know. 627 00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:51,680 But, still, my favourite people in the world 628 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,160 by far are New Yorkers. CHEERING 629 00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:56,520 Yeah? That's great. 630 00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:57,960 Good. Welcome. 631 00:32:57,960 --> 00:32:59,640 No, but you're my favourite people in the world 632 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:01,840 if you're from New York, because I was just in New York - 633 00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:04,160 New Yorkers will just talk to you like they've known you 634 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:05,280 their whole life. 635 00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,840 Even if they have no idea who you are, they'll talk to you 636 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:08,960 like you're family. 637 00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:10,880 Like, I was in New York, I was waiting on the subway. 638 00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:13,880 I had my stuff on the seat next to me, and this lady comes up to me 639 00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:15,760 and she's like, "Move your shit." 640 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:19,920 "I'm sorry? 641 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,040 "Did we grow up together?" 642 00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:24,000 She's like, "Move your shit. I want to sit down." 643 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,240 I was like, "Sorry Mom loved me more. Damn." 644 00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:29,040 You know, like, I don't know where they get their familiarity 645 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:30,200 but I love it. 646 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,880 Like, I was at JFK, I was waiting on my flight. 647 00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:34,400 It was the final boarding call. 648 00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:36,760 And instead of getting on the intercom and being like, 649 00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:39,720 "This is your final boarding call. Please make your way to the gate", 650 00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,240 this lady from New York gets on the intercom and she goes, 651 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:45,440 "Amelia, honey, you got 30 seconds, baby. 652 00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:48,520 "You need to run. 653 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:52,480 "Stop talking to that guy. He's not even worth it. 654 00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:54,240 "Get on the plane." 655 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,040 I've been living in London for years. 656 00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:01,440 I love it, but, like, the culture seeps in, right? 657 00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:03,040 Um, your words seep in. 658 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,360 I can't use them. I can't use them. 659 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,680 I can't... I can't get away with saying, like, 660 00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:09,240 "Oh, cheers, mate." 661 00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:12,760 Because we all felt that. 662 00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,080 It was disgusting. 663 00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:20,760 I have an Irish friend. I can't use her words either. 664 00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:23,440 I... We were talking about this guy, and I was like, 665 00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:25,720 "Oh, I like him - he's good craic." 666 00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:31,600 She looked at me like I had just put on all her mother's 667 00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:33,200 jewellery without asking. 668 00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:36,840 She was like, "What are you doing?" 669 00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,080 I was like, "He's good craic. Is that not right?" 670 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:41,840 She's like, "It's right. It's just not yours. Take it off." 671 00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:46,760 I was like, "That's bollocks." 672 00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:48,160 Um... 673 00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:53,000 I ended up moving to London because I met a guy who lives here. 674 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:54,320 We fell in love. 675 00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:56,000 CHEERING 676 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:59,720 Thank you. We fell out of love immediately after. 677 00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:01,600 I don't even think I had landed yet. 678 00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:02,760 And, um... 679 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:06,040 ..it turns out what was working about our relationship 680 00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:07,160 was the distance. 681 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:11,120 Like, that 6,000-mile buffer, that was perfect. 682 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,320 We should've kept it there. 683 00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:15,640 I always pause after I say, "I fell in love." 684 00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:19,440 I want to see if UK audiences will give me a big cheer, you know? 685 00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:21,960 And it's never once happened. 686 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:25,560 I only got a noise here because there's so many of you, but... 687 00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:28,840 Usually it's silent after I tell people here 688 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,080 I fell in love. 689 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:31,920 One time I got booed. 690 00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,400 I like that about you, but... 691 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,000 I'm used to American audiences because they lose their shit. 692 00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,400 As soon as I say I fell in love in America, they go crazy 693 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:43,880 because we love love in America - and guns. 694 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:45,720 And we just go nuts. 695 00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:52,120 They're like, "Woo! Pow-pow-pow, pow-pow! 696 00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:54,040 "Hell, yeah, bitch, you did it!" 697 00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:01,400 Damn. You don't do that here. 698 00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:03,280 You wait for more information. 699 00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,960 I don't know... I don't know if you're more jaded 700 00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,600 or more realistic, but you're like... 701 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:13,280 "Is that it? Good for you. I hope it lasts. 702 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,320 "It might not. A lot of people end up alone." 703 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:17,280 "That's just life. I hope you like cats." 704 00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:22,040 When I say I fell in love it sounds like an accident, doesn't it? 705 00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:25,040 Like, "Oh, shit, I fell in love. It's all over my shoes." 706 00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,040 But I'm a woman. There was nothing accidental about it. 707 00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:30,560 Women don't accidentally fall in love. 708 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:33,280 We hunt that shit out. 709 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,600 We look for love everywhere. 710 00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:39,600 If love were a pool, guys would be the ones that fell in, 711 00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:42,440 or got pushed in or kicked in or however they ended up there. 712 00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:44,880 But women, we're down, we're in the pool. 713 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:47,640 And we're swimming around like a bunch of alligators, just waiting 714 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:49,600 and looking, just like, 715 00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:52,400 "No, no, no, it's totally fine. You can come close. 716 00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:56,800 "What? No, I just want to have sex too." 717 00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:58,600 SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY 718 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,160 Vroom! You know? 719 00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:04,760 So I caught him. 720 00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:06,280 And I threw him back. 721 00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:07,440 We, uh... 722 00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:10,600 We didn't get along. 723 00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:14,080 You know when you move in with somebody and you're like, "Oh! 724 00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:16,040 "I hate you"? 725 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:22,160 I flew 6,000 miles to be with him, 726 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:24,160 which is a long way. 727 00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:27,760 And I might have brought that up a couple of times. 728 00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:31,360 Every small fight we got into, I might have mentioned it. 729 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:34,200 Like, we went out to eat, and he took the booth seat 730 00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:35,920 at the restaurant right away. 731 00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:38,480 OK. I heard some murmur... 732 00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:41,280 Yeah, you understand that's messed up. 733 00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:42,480 That is the most comfortable seat. 734 00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:44,240 You can't just sit down in the booth seat. 735 00:37:44,240 --> 00:37:46,240 You have to have a conversation about it. 736 00:37:46,240 --> 00:37:48,000 "Do you want the booth seat? Should I have it?" 737 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,560 He just sat down. I was like, "What is going on?" 738 00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:53,000 And then I was like, "That's OK, you can have the booth seat, 739 00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:55,760 "because I got to have the window seat on the plane when I flew 740 00:37:55,760 --> 00:38:00,080 "6,000 miles to be with you. 741 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:02,520 "So enjoy your booth seat and your life." 742 00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:03,720 Um... 743 00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:08,040 We were engaged. 744 00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:12,120 So when we broke up I gave back the ring, which I didn't want to do. 745 00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:16,600 It held a lot of monetary value for me, so that was... 746 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,120 That bummed me out. 747 00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:21,920 And I ended up staying in the UK cos I like it here. 748 00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:24,600 But it's weird when you're in a new country and you meet people 749 00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:26,840 for the first time, because you don't know - you're like, 750 00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:29,000 "Did I just meet somebody who's typically British, 751 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:33,080 "or did I just meet one asshole?" Like, you don't know. And... 752 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,800 You're not assholes at all. You're actually very lovely people. 753 00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:39,920 But you vomit in public a lot. 754 00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:46,560 It's more than anywhere I've ever seen in my entire life. 755 00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:47,800 Friday, Saturday night. 756 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:51,920 There's always like fountains of vomit. I'm sliding everywhere. 757 00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:54,640 All you have to do is eat before you go out. 758 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:58,040 That's it. Have a sandwich or a meal deal. 759 00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:00,000 Um, yeah. 760 00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:02,360 It's not cheating. It's just sensible. 761 00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:06,040 And I was talking to a guy outside of a pub, 762 00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:07,960 and we were having a nice conversation. 763 00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:10,760 And then just out of nowhere, he was like, "Oh-oh. Um... 764 00:39:10,760 --> 00:39:12,040 "Mm... 765 00:39:13,240 --> 00:39:15,000 "Sorry, just one sec. One sec..." 766 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:16,160 SHE RETCHES 767 00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:18,080 Right? Like, he turned around, which was sweet, 768 00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:20,640 and then he comes up, and he's like... 769 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:25,280 "Where are you from?" 770 00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:31,360 "LA. We do that in the toilets... 771 00:39:31,360 --> 00:39:34,000 "..after we eat, like normal people." 772 00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:40,560 My parents are disappointed I didn't get married because, 773 00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:41,720 like I said, I'm Egyptian. 774 00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:44,760 I'm in my 40s, so I was supposed to be married 30 years ago, 775 00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:46,720 so they're like, "Tick-tock. 776 00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:49,840 "When's this happening?" 777 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:51,280 But they don't understand dating. 778 00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:54,480 My parents didn't date. They were an arranged marriage. 779 00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:57,880 They met on The Bachelor, Season 3, I think. 780 00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:03,720 They don't get that joke, or anything I do, but... 781 00:40:05,240 --> 00:40:09,000 I was supposed to be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer, 782 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:11,280 which is pretty typical for Arabs, actually. 783 00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:14,280 Like, I went to Palestine once to do comedy there, 784 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:17,200 because that's what that region needs, just dick jokes. 785 00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:19,760 So I thought I'd help. 786 00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:23,760 And after the show there was a Q&A and somebody in the audience 787 00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:26,320 was like, "Why did you decide to become a comedian?" 788 00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:27,680 And as a joke, I was like, 789 00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:29,600 "Oh, I wasn't smart enough to be a doctor." 790 00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:32,440 But they didn't get it. They were like, "Oh, I'm sorry. 791 00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:35,880 "Maybe if you study harder you can do it." 792 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:38,000 I was like, "Yeah, definitely. This is a lifelong dream. 793 00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:39,240 "That's all right." 794 00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:43,880 My dad thinks I'm his responsibility 795 00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:46,680 until I'm my husband's responsibility, but at no point 796 00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:50,080 am I to be my own responsibility, right? Like, the women in my culture 797 00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,040 need a chaperone through life. 798 00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:54,320 Like, we just don't have the same rights as the men. 799 00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:56,840 Because my dad wanted to move from Cairo to America, 800 00:40:56,840 --> 00:40:59,240 so he just moved. "You're a man - bye!" Right? 801 00:40:59,240 --> 00:41:02,000 My mom wanted to move from Cairo to America, 802 00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:04,160 and they were like, "Well, let's find you a husband in America." 803 00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:06,280 And that's how they met. 804 00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,200 Three of my aunts became nuns. 805 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:12,160 That's a lot of nuns for one family. 806 00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,680 And I was like, "Mom, why did all your sisters become nuns?" 807 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,640 She was like, "Cos they didn't want to get married." 808 00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:19,920 And then she caught herself. She's like, "Because they love God." 809 00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:23,360 I was like, "No, I knew it." 810 00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:24,800 They saw their options. 811 00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:25,840 "Meet Samir. 812 00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,240 "He doesn't know how to do his own laundry, and he has hummus 813 00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:29,920 "in his beard right now. 814 00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:34,640 "You can have sex with him every night, or meet God - 815 00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:37,000 "the only thing you have to do on your knees is pray." 816 00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:39,000 And they were like, 817 00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:42,200 "Yeah, God, that's perfect. Thank you." 818 00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:48,160 I love being in London because it's so close to the rest of Europe. 819 00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:50,000 I love to travel. I go to Paris. 820 00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,080 I tell my American friends I'm going to Paris. 821 00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:53,200 They get so excited for me. 822 00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,840 They're like, "Oh, my God, Paris. We love that for you. 823 00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:57,960 "We love Amelie." 824 00:41:57,960 --> 00:41:59,840 Then I tell people here I'm going to Paris. 825 00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:02,080 You don't give a shit - at all. 826 00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,200 All you ever say when I say I'm going there is, 827 00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:06,600 "Oh, cool. How are you getting there? 828 00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:08,000 "Are you taking the train?" 829 00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:12,320 "Oh, the train's so great. You're going to love the train!" 830 00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:14,320 Like, cool. 831 00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:16,040 Every time. 832 00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:18,000 "How are you getting there? Are you taking the train? 833 00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:19,520 "Oh, the train is so great!" 834 00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:24,560 Like, so is Paris. Why can't I talk about Paris? What? 835 00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:27,240 I'm going to go to cafes and museums. 836 00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:29,320 I'm going to see Jim Morrison's grave, 837 00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:30,800 and you're like, "That's cool. 838 00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:33,680 "How are you getting home, though? Are you taking the train? 839 00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:35,000 "The train's so great." 840 00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,760 Like, it's a good train. Relax. 841 00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:39,880 It's good to vomit on. And... 842 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:44,040 ..last time I was there, this Parisian man walks 843 00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:46,720 right up to me. He was like, "You have fire." 844 00:42:48,080 --> 00:42:49,840 This is why I love the French. 845 00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:51,320 What a thing to say to a stranger. 846 00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:52,520 "You have fire." 847 00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:55,040 "Yeah, you're damn right I have fire, sir." 848 00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:57,200 Right? I'm a strong, independent woman. 849 00:42:57,200 --> 00:42:58,440 I'm a comedian. 850 00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:00,360 He didn't know any of this, but he must've just seen 851 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,840 something in me, like my aura, and he had to come up and be like, 852 00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:04,160 "You have fire." 853 00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:06,480 Turns out he was just looking for a lighter. 854 00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:16,200 Which I had - I had one. I had one. 855 00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:18,960 I just wish he'd told me before I fucked him. 856 00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:20,440 Sorry. 857 00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:23,000 You guys, thank you so much. I'm Maria Shehata. 858 00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:25,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 859 00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:29,040 Maria Shehata! 860 00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:33,480 Ladies and gentlemen, give it up one more time 861 00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:36,000 for Maria Shehata! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 862 00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,640 And Harriet Dyer! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 863 00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:40,920 I've been Iain Stirling. Have a nice night. 864 00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:42,920 Goodnight. God bless. Thank you! 865 00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:44,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE