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Are You Gonna Be My Girl
by Jet

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This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome your host
for tonight,

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Iain Stirling!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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welcome to Live at the Apollo!

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CHEERING

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Pleasure to be here in London.

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Where are my Londoners at?

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CHEERING

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I've lived in London 15 years.

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Eh, 15 years I've been in London.

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What a fantastic place.

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When I first moved to London,
I moved to South London.

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My friend said to me,
"Be careful, mate,

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"in Saf London, bruv, yeah?

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"They'll fuck you up, yeah?

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"Saf London, you know
what I mean, yeah?"

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But, erm, I moved to Richmond,
and, erm...

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..they were lovely!

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If anything, I mugged them.
D'you know what I mean?

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It's nice to have
a nice mix of people in.

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We've got some older...
I see some older people.

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I see some young guys.
There's some young people in.

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We've got some Gen Zs.

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Welcome. They can't...

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They can't cheer too loud because
of their anxiety.

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HIGH-Ooh!

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Oh, oh!

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I'm triggered!

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I'm going to hide!

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They're good people.

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I'm jealous of you.

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I mean, I'm a millennial.

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I don't even know what clothes
to wear any more.

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I used to have the skinny jean.
Do you remember that?

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I think, "Well, what do you wear?"
Do you know what I mean?

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I see the Gen Z-ers, and they've got
their cargo pants.

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That's what the young guys wear,
cargo pants.

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They've got so many pockets,
you know?

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It's for all their medication.

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And, erm...

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As a millennial, I'm like,
"Phone, wallet, keys."

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They're like,
"Anxiety, ADHD...

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"..house keys - can't afford them.
Antidepressants."

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No, but I get it, right?
I'm not taking the mick.

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Like, young people in this room,
of course you've got anxiety.

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Do you know what I mean?

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You've got legitimate things
to be anxious about.

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You're young people, you know?

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I'm a millennial.
I've got anxieties as well.

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They're not as big.

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But, hey, my feelings are valid, OK?

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OK? Check your privilege
at the door.

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Thank you very much.

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Yes, yes, Gen Z-ers are anxious -
about by the age of 40

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they're all going to have to swim
to work due to global warming.

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We get it. I've got to go to the
dentist every now and again, OK?

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Yeah, the dentist.

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I can't go. I'm too anxious
about it.

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I'm not scared of drills
or any of that.

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I just can't be left in
a room on my own with a man,

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as I get slowly reclined into
the therapy position

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and then lie to him about
how much sugar I've had.

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No, the reason I can't go to
the dentist, and please tell me

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this isn't just me, is
every time I go to the dentist

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and whenever the dentist puts
anything in my mouth -

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please say this isn't just me -
but when anything enters my mouth

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at the dentist, my tongue
starts to behave...

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..like a professional porn star.

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"La-la-la-la-la-la! What the..."

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Trying to deep throat his drill.

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"Ahhh!"

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Like I'm possessed. "Your mother
sucks cocks in hell!

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"La-la-la-la-la!"

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And I salivate too much as well,
so that's a genuine thing.

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The last time I went to the dentist,
I needed four fillings.

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During the second filling,
I was salivating so much

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the dentist had to send for a second
woman with another suction hose.

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I got double suckies that day!

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Two suction hoses and a drill in
my mouth at the same time.

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My tongue was like,
"Woo, gang bang! La-la-la-la!"

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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But it's nice back doing stand-up.

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I took a couple of years off.

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I was actually a stay-at-home dad
for a bit.

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CHEERS
Yeah.

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To the people from Richmond,
a stay-at-home dad,

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it's like a nanny, but it's you.

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So...

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It's great being a dad.
I learned two things being a dad.

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One, I love being a dad.
I'm a good dad.

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And two... Thank you.

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And, two, I learned that it is
so easy...

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Ladies, please wait!

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Look at the mums. "Fuck you.
I'm going to...

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"I'm going to stab him,
right here in..."

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It is so easy to be a good dad

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because society in the UK has set
the bar for dads,

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oh, so wonderfully low.

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I thought it'd be a challenge.

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People just coming up to me,
"Is your daughter alive and dressed?

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"You're a hero!"

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"Thank you very much."

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"Are you sober right now?"

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"No."

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"Well, it's 3pm and it is tricky,

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"so don't be hard on yourself."

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But I love being a dad.

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It's so much better than
the alternative, isn't it?

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Being a mum.

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Urgh - no, thank you, actually.

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Very different societal, you know...

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Harder.

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It's a joke.

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It's... Even on a biological level,
it is a joke how unfair

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that balance is, even on
a biological level.

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Biologically, a lady has got to grow
the baby in her body

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and then feed the baby
with her body.

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It feels like God could have
split that...

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..50-50?

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That is the most useless
you'll feel as a bloke,

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when you get your partner pregnant.

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I'm just stood next to my wife.

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She's performing magic with
her body, growing someone else's

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shin in her own stomach, and then
I'm just stood next to her,

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with my nipples
that don't work, actually.

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Just... "I'm helping, I think.

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"Maybe it's like almonds and
they'll find a way!"

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Being a mum - no, thank you!

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And you've got to give birth.

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Blech!

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What?

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As a lady, you've got to
give birth -

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major surgery, or you've got to push
a baby out of your own body.

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And if you're lucky enough
to be married,

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you might have the opportunity
to stare across the hospital ward

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at your husband.

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Mm! What comfort that is.

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You've just given birth and you just
look over to someone going...

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"Mm-hm-hm! I've been
sat in a chair for 30 hours!

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"My neck's kind of sore!

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"You won't understand because you've
been allowed to lie down, but...

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"..my neck's very sore.

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"Do you remember when I got
you that Lucozade?"

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"Yeah, thanks for the Lucozade,
but currently my arsehole

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"and vagina are the same thing,
so...

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"Take your Lucozade, shove it
sideways, pop it up your arse.

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"Thank you very much!"

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And then the new one.
Get back to work -

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that's the new one for mums.

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"Get back to work, quick as you can.

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"Don't be a drain on society.

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"Get back to work, quick as you can.

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"But not straight away because
that means you don't care.

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"But get back to work.
But not straight away.

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"Get back to work.
Not straight away.

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"You don't care.
And lose the baby fat.

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"Oh, my God, will you look at the
state of you? Lose the baby fat.

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"Don't lose all the baby fat
because then other mums will

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"judge you, but lose the baby fat.
Not all of it. And breast-feed.

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"Oh, my God, you must breast-feed.

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"If you don't breast-feed, your
baby will have eight arms and ADHD.

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"You must breast-feed. But do it in
private, you dirty whore!"

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, you know, getting back to work,

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losing the baby fat,
breast-feeding,

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but your baby's under a cape in case
you're in the office and your boss

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gets a hard-on, the creep.

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And now the new one - you've got
to post on social media.

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"Be a good mum,
post on social media.

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"Show that you're a good mum.

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"But cover the baby's face
with an emoji because paedophiles."

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What is going on?!

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No, I think I'm a good dad.

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Husband is harder.

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I really want to be a good husband,
but it's harder.

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I'm going to say that right now.

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I feel I'm being quite generous
to the women in the room so far,

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but when it comes to marriage
the power balance is insane.

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I feel like women have access
to all the rules, and as a husband

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you don't know the rules
and then your life is guessing.

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"Is that the rule?"
And she goes, "Yeah - new rule."

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And that's marriage.

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And, you know, I'm not...
No, listen.

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We've had a fun few minutes here,
but, you know, this is..

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It's on the telly. This is...

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I'm a serious guy,
and I want to talk about,

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you know, serious stuff.

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Yeah?

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Because in all long-term
relationships,

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sometimes this happens.

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And the man does this thing,
and it is, erm...

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It's repugnant.

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Please.

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And I'm not proud of it,
but I did it.

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And, erm, basically, what happened
is, at night, in bed...

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..I started, erm...

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..breathing.

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And straight women
fucking hate breathing -

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they hate it.

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I don't know what happens to ladies'
hearing when they go above 25,

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but they all become X-Men.
It is insane.

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The minute your head hits
the pillow, you're like,

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"I just heard a door close
in Leeds."

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"How did you hear that?!"

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And what I hear is, and
the men'll know this,

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men get tarnished with this brush,

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that we're all these, like,
clumsy idiots

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that just bound about at night
waking you up.

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We're not!

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We don't want to wake you up.

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We don't.

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The most anxious we feel is
when your partner goes,

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"All right, babe, that's me
off to bed.

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"Don't wake me."

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You're like,
"Fuck, that's impossible!

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"How do I not wake her?"

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I get... Breathing!

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There'll be men in this room
that have been woken up

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in the middle of the night, just...

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"What happened?"

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"YOU were breathing.
You were breathing...

226
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"..too loud." My wife gave me
a curveball.

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She told me I was breathing too hot.

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"Too hot?"

229
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"You're breathing too hot."

230
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"Sorry, that's absolutely on me.

231
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"That's the whole being alive thing.
That's my bad.

232
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"That's my central nervous system.

233
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"It's creating heat which is
escaping through my mouth.

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"I've got blood, selfishly,
pumping around my body.

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"I apologise. I'll tell you what,
I'll hold my breath -

236
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"you go to sleep. You've got about
90 seconds before I pass away.

237
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"Have a melatonin, please.
Thank you."

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I told my friend that story,
and then he told me that one

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time his wife woke him up because
he wasn't breathing loud enough,

240
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and she wanted to check that he was
still alive.

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That's too loud,
too hot, too quiet!

242
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What are we meant to do?!

243
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And then we've got to get to bed
and not wake you?

244
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We hate it!

245
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,680
Every man in this room will know
the loudest step on the stairs

246
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,200
up to their bedroom.

247
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,280
We've all gone, "One, two. Nope -

248
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,520
"I've been caught out by that
in the past."

249
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,880
There'll be grown men in this room
that have snuck...

250
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,720
Snuck, like little mice,
into their own bedrooms,

251
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,720
like that, "Don't wake her.

252
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:28,360
"Whatever you do, don't wake
the goblin. She's...

253
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,880
"She's ever so angry
when she's awoken."

254
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,200
Holy water in your back pocket.

255
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,880
"The power of Christ compels you!"

256
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,560
You've got to sneak.

257
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:49,160
Adult men, sneaking into
their own beds.

258
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,800
And then they've got to dangle
over the bed like Tom Cruise

259
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,120
in Impossible.

260
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,600
Lower yourself onto the pillows,
just very...

261
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,400
"Don't wake up, for the love of God,
don't wake..."

262
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:07,640
And you can feel a bead
of sweat coming down your brow.

263
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:10,720
And it drips off the end
of your nose and delicately

264
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,040
touches the pillow.

265
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:15,200
And she's like,
"What the fuck was that? Argh!"

266
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:22,120
But then, like I said, in marriage
the rules change,

267
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,240
just slightly, don't they?

268
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,920
Because that's what happens
when the wife is asleep

269
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,440
and the husband comes in late.

270
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,240
But when the husband is asleep

271
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:36,000
and the wife comes in late,

272
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,920
very different state of affairs,
actually.

273
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,040
A little bit subtle -
see if you can notice it,

274
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,480
but it's sort of more like this.

275
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,320
"Babe, I'm home!"

276
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,240
Your high heels on - it sounds
like you've ridden a fucking horse

277
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,720
into the kitchen.

278
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,400
"That's me back, baaaabe!

279
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:02,720
"You won't believe
what Claire said tonight."

280
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:08,480
"Well, I hope she said go to bed.
It is 2am.

281
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:09,920
"How is this fair?

282
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:13,600
"I sneezed last night and
you flicked me in the Adam's apple."

283
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,520
"Be up in a minute, babe.

284
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:21,480
"Just going to make
a quick drink, OK?

285
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:23,680
"A smoothie!"

286
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,000
HE IMITATES BLENDER

287
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:33,720
"Would you like any of
my late night smoothie?"

288
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,040
"I'll be up in a minute, babe.

289
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,520
"I'm just going to put up
these shelves, OK?"

290
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,360
And then it's upstairs to bed.

291
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,760
"Mm... Upstairs to bed,
but what light to put on?

292
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,040
"Hmm? What light?

293
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,680
"All of them!" Bing, bing, bing,
bing, bing, bing.

294
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,800
All the lights on.
She's holding a torch.

295
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,280
Where did she get the torch from?
Nobody knows!

296
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:08,960
Upstairs to go to the toilet.

297
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,600
But it's not any toilet, is it?

298
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,840
Because it's a lady that's been
on a night out wee,

299
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,040
which means she's not weed
in about four weeks.

300
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:22,080
And then the loudest wee known
to man starts happening.

301
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,760
Men have half a beer and we're like,

302
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,760
"I'm going to piss myself,
immediately."

303
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:29,560
Women just store it all in, and then
you just see them, door open.

304
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,440
Pshhhhh!

305
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,720
"Have we turned on white noise?
What is going on here?"

306
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:38,800
Pshhhhhhhh!

307
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,960
Why is that? Why is that?

308
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,360
The women know.

309
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:49,800
The men, some of them don't know.

310
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,040
I'm about to tell you why.

311
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,240
Those are the rules.
And it's very simple.

312
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,960
It is because women...

313
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,360
..gents, women resent us, OK?

314
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:04,440
They resent that men are
simple creatures,

315
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,640
idiots who at night can just
go to sleep.

316
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,640
Men - "No worries for me.
Goodnight!"

317
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,720
Watch the news, watch the news.

318
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,880
No worries. Sleep.

319
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:22,600
Whereas women get into bed
and they're like,

320
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,680
"OK, time to have every thought,
ever. That'll be fun."

321
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,000
HE LAUGHS

322
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,480
Little joke for the women.

323
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:34,040
Here's an impression of
every man going to sleep, ever.

324
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,560
Erm, am I hungry?

325
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,080
No.
HE SNORES

326
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,600
Men just conk straight out.

327
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,960
But women, they get into bed.
"OK, time to sleep. Just sleep.

328
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,840
"It's easy. Just go to sleep.

329
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,960
"It's fine. Go to sleep. And...

330
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,280
"..we've got people. We've got
friends round on Sunday,

331
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,480
"and there's not going to be
enough chairs for everyone.

332
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,640
"There's not enough chairs
for everyone to sit

333
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,720
"at the table for lunch.
But that's OK.

334
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,560
"We'll get the office chair
from the spare room.

335
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,480
"We'll get the office chair.
We'll bring it.

336
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,400
"It's not high enough for
the table, but that's fine.

337
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:13,480
"We can put Claire's weirdly
tall husband there,

338
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:14,760
"and get him away from me.

339
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,800
"They've got cats. He stinks.
I'll just get him over there.

340
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,920
"That's fine. We'll get that done.
That's fine. Just...

341
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:23,080
"It's Sunday - that's Sunday.
This is Wednesday.

342
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,520
"Just don't think about it.
Just go to sl... Have we got a will?

343
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,560
"Have we...

344
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,160
"..made a will? I'll ask him.

345
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,880
"'Have we...' He's asleep.

346
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:35,160
"He's asleep. He's asleep,
and we don't even have a will.

347
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,360
"How can...

348
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,960
"How can you sleep
when you don't have a will?

349
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,360
"That makes no... He's scratching
his balls while he's asleep,

350
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:46,400
"and we are will-less.
How can you do...

351
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,000
"How can he sleep with..."

352
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:51,920
"What happened?"

353
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:55,040
"YOU were breathing, OK?
You were breathing."

354
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,760
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen
at the Apollo,

355
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,960
are you ready for a fantastic night?

356
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,480
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

357
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,120
Your first act is one of the best
comics on the circuit.

358
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,920
You are in for an absolute treat,

359
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,040
so please go wild and crazy,

360
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:14,040
and welcome to the stage
Harriet Dyer!

361
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:19,880
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

362
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,840
All right?
LAUGHTER

363
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,080
Do you think I've got the face
of a vegan?

364
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:44,520
Face of a vegan,
morals of a sausage.

365
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,240
And I've got a very long neck.

366
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:49,880
I've got a neck like a swan.

367
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,720
And I know I've got a neck
like a swan

368
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,840
because once I was in a park
and a swan followed me,

369
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:59,400
and I think cos it was trying
to mate with me for life.

370
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,960
I knew a girl in Cornwall
that got her kids taken away

371
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,680
from her because she left
them with a group of swans.

372
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,360
But I think, if you can't trust
something to look after your kids

373
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,240
that used to be protected
by the Queen -

374
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:17,520
Andrew aside...

375
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,480
..who can you trust, you know?

376
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,040
I said it in court
and I'd say it again.

377
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,520
Once I was being gormless in London,

378
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:38,800
and I got swept up as part
of an exchange trip...

379
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,520
..because the woman in charge
genuinely thought

380
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,120
I was a German boy.

381
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,720
Das ist nicht gut!

382
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,200
Sometimes I wonder what my life
would've been like

383
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,840
if I'd have got on that coach.

384
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,440
I think, "Would I have lived till
longer if I'd have started

385
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,800
"a new life as a boy, as an adult?"

386
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,360
Something for us all to think about.

387
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,560
I love, like, rubbish TV.

388
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,400
Like Come Dine With Me.

389
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,000
Love Come Dine With Me, right?

390
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,880
A CHEER
Ooh... Oh!

391
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,160
Wa-wa-wa-wa! Love it.

392
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,040
And my favourite thing about
Come Dine With Me is

393
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:30,160
in every single episode there's
always a middle aged woman,

394
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,720
and she always turns up at
everyone's house,

395
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:36,160
and she always has a bottle of wine,
and she always says these words.

396
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,960
She always goes,
"Oh, the party's here!"

397
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,960
I once, before I drove,

398
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,960
I once, after a night out,
woke up in the middle of

399
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,280
a roundabout in a car
that wasn't mine,

400
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,160
with all the doors open,

401
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,080
and on my lap there was a cat.

402
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,200
And in the boot of the car there was
a fold-up bicycle

403
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,240
and a massive bag of pills.

404
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:06,560
And I unfolded the bicycle,
put the cat in the basket,

405
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:11,480
and cycled to a party, knocked on
the door with a big bag of pills.

406
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,320
And even then I didn't say,

407
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,000
"The party's here."

408
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,800
Give us a cheer if you're
mentally ill.

409
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,840
CHEERING
Ah, ha-ha-ha!

410
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,120
Woohoo!

411
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,400
Yeah, I'm mental.

412
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,800
"What?!"

413
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,920
Yeah. My thing is I've got bipolar,

414
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:41,760
and, once, I was on a date
with a man - always a surprise.

415
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,000
Erm, I'm...

416
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,560
I'm surprised!

417
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,080
I don't look like
I'd be a fan of the sau-sage.

418
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,800
I was on a date with a man,
and I had me bum bag on

419
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,840
because players gonna play.

420
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:04,000
And my... I had my medication
in my bum bag, and my date goes,

421
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,800
"What's that?", and I said,

422
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,440
"Oh, it's my medication
because I've got bipolar."

423
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,200
And he goes, "Oh, bipolar.

424
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,040
"Does that mean you're going
to murder me in the night?"

425
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,520
So I said, "Well, it DIDN'T
mean that."

426
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,640
Yeah, I feel bad about a few things
I did when I was mental.

427
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,640
Like, obviously I couldn't help
it because I was being...

428
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,480
I was mental, but, like,
I upset a lot of people,

429
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,120
I worried a lot of people,
because I used to spend my time

430
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,280
creeping up on people in alleyways.

431
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,760
Yeah, and I'd, like, stand really
close to them from behind.

432
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:39,920
And I'd whisper over
their shoulders,

433
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:41,480
"I'm your shadow."

434
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:46,520
It's upsetting.

435
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:50,560
And something else I used
to do when I was very mental,

436
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,160
and if I'm completely honest
with you, I wouldn't rule this out

437
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,800
for happening again in
the future, is...

438
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,760
This world is very overwhelming,

439
00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:01,040
so sometimes I'd be like,
"Mm... I've had enough.

440
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:02,760
"I'm off down the sewers. Ah..."

441
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:08,840
And once I was down the sewers,
and...

442
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,080
And the manhole cover got stuck.

443
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:17,520
So then my brain was like,
"Well, guess this is my life now.

444
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,200
"Just...

445
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,800
"Just me beneath the sewers."

446
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,640
And that's the good thing about
being consistently mentally ill,

447
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:29,960
is if ever you do go missing
it'll only be a matter of time

448
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:33,880
until someone's like,
"Has anyone checked the sewers?"

449
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:39,160
There I am. "Ha!"

450
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,920
That's my "I'm down the sewers"
voice, which is the same as my...

451
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:46,960
You know when you change your
duvet cover, and you, like,

452
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:53,080
get inside the duvet cover
to make the corners meet,

453
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:56,600
do you ever pretend you're
a flying fox?

454
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:58,800
And you go, "Ha!"

455
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,400
It's also my voice...
He's just like, "Absolutely not.

456
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,560
"What are you on about,
you mad bitch?"

457
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,320
I'm quite spitty as well.
It's good that you...

458
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,360
If you noticed, I'm really spitty.

459
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:13,520
Yeah.

460
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,480
Once I spat on this lady at
a gig and I said, "I'm so sorry,

461
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,920
"I've just spat on you."

462
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,040
And she goes, "Oh, no, you didn't.
You didn't spit on me."

463
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,520
And I said, "Well, it's ever so nice
that you're saying I didn't spit

464
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,440
"on you to make me feel better,

465
00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:27,000
"But I know that you're lying
because it lit your phone up."

466
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,400
Like, the light...

467
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:31,600
The light came on.

468
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:38,760
Something I like to do after I do
gigs on the weekend is I go

469
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,960
for some chips.

470
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,520
I go for some chips, I go to
a kebab shop.

471
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:48,080
And what I've learned is, whatever
kebab shop you go to late at night,

472
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:52,320
there's always a man in there
doing this at the menu.

473
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:08,160
So I like to go in and
just do this opposite him.

474
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:20,240
For long enough until he's like,
"Shit, am I the menu?"

475
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,400
Oh, well...

476
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,960
I've moved house. I moved house,
and then didn't have internet in

477
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:36,360
the new house so I was waiting in
for the internet person to come

478
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,000
fit the internet in the new house.

479
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:42,080
And it got to five in the evening,
and my partner - a man...

480
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:46,040
..he text me and he goes,

481
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,280
"Why didn't you let
the internet person in?"

482
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,200
I said, "Are you blooming
kidding me?

483
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:54,560
"I've waited in all day listening
to the door, and I haven't even

484
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,000
"had lunch cos I've been listening."

485
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:00,320
But I wear hearing aids.

486
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:02,880
Who gets the one person
that can't hear to stay in

487
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,200
listening for something?

488
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,800
I think there should be a thing
when you're filling out a form

489
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,040
for someone to come around your
house, or do the internet

490
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,000
or whatever, there should be a bit
at the bottom of the form,

491
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,160
"Are you a deaf bastard?"

492
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,640
"Yes."

493
00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:22,240
So the person comes round,
rings the doorbell.

494
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,880
No-one answers.
They're about to leave.

495
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:28,240
Then they look at the form
and they're like, "Wait a minute.

496
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:31,040
"This person's a deaf bastard."

497
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:36,440
So then they put a hedgehog
through the letterbox, right?

498
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:38,240
This is not just any hedgehog.

499
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,320
This is Clarice the...

500
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:44,080
'Rat-a-tat-tat-tat,
someone's-at-the-door' hedgehog.

501
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,600
And he goes to the floor,
starts doing laps.

502
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,960
Because you don't need ears
for that.

503
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:54,280
Your peripheral vision will tell
you that's there.

504
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,960
WILD LAUGHTER
And it's...

505
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,000
Thank you, fellow mental.

506
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,160
And it's not a hedgehog
for no reason.

507
00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:06,840
Its little spikes will be
dredging up the carpet.

508
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:10,720
And then even if I'm in a different
room, it will just suddenly be,

509
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,600
like, whipped out
from underneath me,

510
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:17,200
and I'll be like, "Whoa!
Like, what the hell is that?"

511
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:19,640
I'll be like, "Oh, it's only
bloody Clarice the...

512
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:22,800
'Rat-a-tat-tat-tat,
someone's at the door'."

513
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,280
And I'm no Poirot,

514
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:29,040
but I reckon someone's at
the door. You see?

515
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,360
Pick him up, go to the door.

516
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,880
You'll never guess who's at
the door.

517
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:36,320
A massive hedgehog, with
hearing aids,

518
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,720
and next to him is a little me
going,

519
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,800
To tell him that
I'm now at the door.

520
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:51,120
Quite a long bit, that.

521
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:02,320
Still not finished!

522
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:04,400
And then...

523
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,040
..I go like that,

524
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:07,600
and then Clarice, the...

525
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:10,440
'Rat-a-tat-tat-tat, someone's at
the door', and the...

526
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,480
..me both get on my back
and off we go.

527
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:19,040
And they've been breeding.

528
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,840
You might've noticed there's
a lot of hedgehogs going around now

529
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:23,920
with very long necks.

530
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,280
But less accidents - when was
the last time you seen

531
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:29,360
a squashed hedgehog?

532
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:33,400
Because now when they go
to cross the road, they just...

533
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,440
..have a good old look.

534
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:40,520
Anyway, so there's that.

535
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:45,080
Or they could just text.

536
00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:53,760
To let you know
they're out the door.

537
00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:57,320
My partner, he's a lovely chap.

538
00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:00,400
I fell in love with him because
he's the fastest slowest walker

539
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:01,840
I've ever met.

540
00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,320
So he walks like this, he goes...

541
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,600
"Can't stop. Must dash."

542
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:15,560
And his dad passed away
before I met him.

543
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:18,960
So I asked him what his dad looked
like, and a normal person

544
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:20,720
would show me a photo.

545
00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:23,680
But with him, I said,
"Oh, what did your dad look like?"

546
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,080
And he goes...

547
00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:34,240
I've since seen a photo
and it's spot on.

548
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,400
Does anyone here have to take
a photo of where they've parked

549
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:42,880
their car in order to
know where it is,

550
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:46,680
and then you follow the pictures
back like Hansel and Gretel?

551
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:47,920
Yeah.

552
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,720
And I thought, because sometimes
if I've been saying stuff onstage

553
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:52,600
for a bit, I think it's not
even true any more,

554
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,160
so I thought, "Maybe I'm just saying
it onstage and it's not true."

555
00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,280
So then the other week
I didn't take a photo

556
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:58,960
of where I parked my car.

557
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:00,280
What a hullabaloo.

558
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:03,040
I didn't even know this was
possible.

559
00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:06,680
I've ended up blooming paying for
parking for a car park

560
00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:08,400
that my car was not in.

561
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:12,680
And then my car was captured
in a different car park.

562
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,680
So you always take a photo, right?

563
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,480
That's what I did the other month.

564
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,960
Multistorey car park, Level 5.

565
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:22,560
Took a photo. Off I went.

566
00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:23,720
Came back.

567
00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:25,320
"Where the Dickens is my car?"

568
00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:27,720
And then I've gone all the different
levels looking for it,

569
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:29,600
and I was like,

570
00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:31,320
"Every level is Level 5."

571
00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:35,800
Five mile an hour sign

572
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,520
is what I was taking a photo of.

573
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:40,440
Ay, ay, ay!

574
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:42,480
Oh, well, this has been
a dream come true.

575
00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:44,280
All the best in your endeavours.

576
00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:46,800
Genuinely, I really appreciate it.

577
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:47,880
I've been Harriet Dyer.

578
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:49,000
Thanks so much. Cheers.

579
00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:51,040
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Cheers.

580
00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:58,160
Harriet Dyer, everybody!

581
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,000
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

582
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:02,760
Oh, wow.

583
00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:06,520
Ladies and gentlemen of the Apollo,
are you ready for your next act?

584
00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:07,960
CHEERING

585
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,440
She's absolutely fantastic.
You're going to love her.

586
00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:11,920
Please go wild and crazy.

587
00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:15,080
Welcome to the stage Maria Shehata!

588
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:19,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

589
00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:27,480
Ah! Hi.

590
00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:30,280
Oh, this is amazing.

591
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:32,560
I live in the UK.
I love it here.

592
00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,600
Moved here from LA.
CHEERING

593
00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:37,520
All right, I'll take that.
Thank you so much.

594
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:40,160
That was warm. That was...
I felt that in my heart.

595
00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:41,560
That was beautiful.

596
00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:44,520
I miss LA a lot, like, right now.

597
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:47,800
And I... You know, I miss the way
everybody there came up to me

598
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,000
speaking Spanish all the time.

599
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,480
Right into Spanish.
I don't speak Spanish.

600
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:55,680
And they get upset if you don't
speak it back.

601
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,840
One guy was like,
"What's the matter, mija?

602
00:31:57,840 --> 00:31:59,840
"Your mother never taught
you Spanish?"

603
00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:00,960
"No,"

604
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,520
because I'm Egyptian - I don't know
why she would've done that.

605
00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:07,440
It seems totally unnecessary.

606
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:08,840
He wouldn't let it go either.

607
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:10,000
He's like, "You must be half.

608
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:11,920
"Are you half Latina?
You must be half.

609
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:13,800
I'm like, "I'm not at all.
But I get it.

610
00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:16,600
"I'm short. I'm brown.

611
00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:19,960
"My name is Maria."  Um...

612
00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:21,360
"I've got a big ass - I get it.

613
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,240
"I've tricked you, and I'm sorry.
I'm just...

614
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,880
"I'm not at all Latina, OK?
So if you don't mind,

615
00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:30,000
"I'd like to get back to eating
my burrito. Thank you very much.

616
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:35,080
I know Americans aren't very
popular right now.

617
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:39,080
SILENCE THEN LAUGHTER

618
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:40,840
Forever!

619
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,120
No-one's ever come up to me
and been like,

620
00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:45,800
"You're American? I love Americans.
Let's hear your story.

621
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:47,240
"That's awesome."

622
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,000
I get it - we suck. I know.

623
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:51,680
But, still, my favourite people
in the world

624
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,160
by far are New Yorkers.
CHEERING

625
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:56,520
Yeah? That's great.

626
00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:57,960
Good. Welcome.

627
00:32:57,960 --> 00:32:59,640
No, but you're my favourite
people in the world

628
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:01,840
if you're from New York, because
I was just in New York -

629
00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:04,160
New Yorkers will just talk to you
like they've known you

630
00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:05,280
their whole life.

631
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,840
Even if they have no idea who you
are, they'll talk to you

632
00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:08,960
like you're family.

633
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:10,880
Like, I was in New York,
I was waiting on the subway.

634
00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:13,880
I had my stuff on the seat next
to me, and this lady comes up to me

635
00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:15,760
and she's like, "Move your shit."

636
00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:19,920
"I'm sorry?

637
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,040
"Did we grow up together?"

638
00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:24,000
She's like, "Move your shit.
I want to sit down."

639
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,240
I was like, "Sorry Mom loved me
more. Damn."

640
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:29,040
You know, like, I don't know
where they get their familiarity

641
00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:30,200
but I love it.

642
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,880
Like, I was at JFK,
I was waiting on my flight.

643
00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:34,400
It was the final boarding call.

644
00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:36,760
And instead of getting on
the intercom and being like,

645
00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:39,720
"This is your final boarding call.
Please make your way to the gate",

646
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,240
this lady from New York gets on
the intercom and she goes,

647
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:45,440
"Amelia, honey, you got
30 seconds, baby.

648
00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:48,520
"You need to run.

649
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:52,480
"Stop talking to that guy.
He's not even worth it.

650
00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:54,240
"Get on the plane."

651
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,040
I've been living in London
for years.

652
00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:01,440
I love it, but, like,
the culture seeps in, right?

653
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:03,040
Um, your words seep in.

654
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,360
I can't use them. I can't use them.

655
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,680
I can't... I can't get away
with saying, like,

656
00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:09,240
"Oh, cheers, mate."

657
00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:12,760
Because we all felt that.

658
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,080
It was disgusting.

659
00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:20,760
I have an Irish friend.
I can't use her words either.

660
00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:23,440
I... We were talking about this guy,
and I was like,

661
00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:25,720
"Oh, I like him - he's good craic."

662
00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:31,600
She looked at me like I had just
put on all her mother's

663
00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:33,200
jewellery without asking.

664
00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:36,840
She was like, "What are you doing?"

665
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,080
I was like, "He's good craic.
Is that not right?"

666
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:41,840
She's like, "It's right.
It's just not yours. Take it off."

667
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:46,760
I was like, "That's bollocks."

668
00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:48,160
Um...

669
00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:53,000
I ended up moving to London because
I met a guy who lives here.

670
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:54,320
We fell in love.

671
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:56,000
CHEERING

672
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:59,720
Thank you. We fell out of love
immediately after.

673
00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:01,600
I don't even think I had landed yet.

674
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:02,760
And, um...

675
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:06,040
..it turns out what was working
about our relationship

676
00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:07,160
was the distance.

677
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:11,120
Like, that 6,000-mile buffer,
that was perfect.

678
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,320
We should've kept it there.

679
00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:15,640
I always pause after I say,
"I fell in love."

680
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:19,440
I want to see if UK audiences will
give me a big cheer, you know?

681
00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:21,960
And it's never once happened.

682
00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:25,560
I only got a noise here because
there's so many of you, but...

683
00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:28,840
Usually it's silent
after I tell people here

684
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,080
I fell in love.

685
00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:31,920
One time I got booed.

686
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,400
I like that about you, but...

687
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,000
I'm used to American audiences
because they lose their shit.

688
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,400
As soon as I say I fell in love
in America, they go crazy

689
00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:43,880
because we love love in America -
and guns.

690
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:45,720
And we just go nuts.

691
00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:52,120
They're like, "Woo!
Pow-pow-pow, pow-pow!

692
00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:54,040
"Hell, yeah, bitch, you did it!"

693
00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:01,400
Damn. You don't do that here.

694
00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:03,280
You wait for more information.

695
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,960
I don't know... I don't know
if you're more jaded

696
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,600
or more realistic,
but you're like...

697
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:13,280
"Is that it? Good for you.
I hope it lasts.

698
00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,320
"It might not. A lot of people
end up alone."

699
00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:17,280
"That's just life.
I hope you like cats."

700
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:22,040
When I say I fell in love it sounds
like an accident, doesn't it?

701
00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:25,040
Like, "Oh, shit, I fell in love.
It's all over my shoes."

702
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,040
But I'm a woman. There was nothing
accidental about it.

703
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:30,560
Women don't accidentally
fall in love.

704
00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:33,280
We hunt that shit out.

705
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,600
We look for love everywhere.

706
00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:39,600
If love were a pool, guys would be
the ones that fell in,

707
00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:42,440
or got pushed in or kicked in
or however they ended up there.

708
00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:44,880
But women, we're down,
we're in the pool.

709
00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:47,640
And we're swimming around like
a bunch of alligators, just waiting

710
00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:49,600
and looking, just like,

711
00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:52,400
"No, no, no, it's totally fine.
You can come close.

712
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:56,800
"What? No, I just want
to have sex too."

713
00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:58,600
SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

714
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,160
Vroom! You know?

715
00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:04,760
So I caught him.

716
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:06,280
And I threw him back.

717
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:07,440
We, uh...

718
00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:10,600
We didn't get along.

719
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:14,080
You know when you move in with
somebody and you're like, "Oh!

720
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:16,040
"I hate you"?

721
00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:22,160
I flew 6,000 miles to be with him,

722
00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:24,160
which is a long way.

723
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:27,760
And I might have brought that up
a couple of times.

724
00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:31,360
Every small fight we got into,
I might have mentioned it.

725
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:34,200
Like, we went out to eat,
and he took the booth seat

726
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:35,920
at the restaurant right away.

727
00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:38,480
OK. I heard some murmur...

728
00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:41,280
Yeah, you understand
that's messed up.

729
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:42,480
That is the most comfortable seat.

730
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:44,240
You can't just sit down
in the booth seat.

731
00:37:44,240 --> 00:37:46,240
You have to have
a conversation about it.

732
00:37:46,240 --> 00:37:48,000
"Do you want the booth seat?
Should I have it?"

733
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,560
He just sat down. I was like,
"What is going on?"

734
00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:53,000
And then I was like, "That's OK,
you can have the booth seat,

735
00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:55,760
"because I got to have the window
seat on the plane when I flew

736
00:37:55,760 --> 00:38:00,080
"6,000 miles to be with you.

737
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:02,520
"So enjoy your booth seat
and your life."

738
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:03,720
Um...

739
00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:08,040
We were engaged.

740
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:12,120
So when we broke up I gave back
the ring, which I didn't want to do.

741
00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:16,600
It held a lot of monetary value
for me, so that was...

742
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,120
That bummed me out.

743
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:21,920
And I ended up staying in the UK
cos I like it here.

744
00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:24,600
But it's weird when you're in
a new country and you meet people

745
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:26,840
for the first time, because you
don't know - you're like,

746
00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:29,000
"Did I just meet somebody
who's typically British,

747
00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:33,080
"or did I just meet one asshole?"
Like, you don't know. And...

748
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,800
You're not assholes at all.
You're actually very lovely people.

749
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:39,920
But you vomit in public a lot.

750
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:46,560
It's more than anywhere I've ever
seen in my entire life.

751
00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:47,800
Friday, Saturday night.

752
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:51,920
There's always like fountains
of vomit. I'm sliding everywhere.

753
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:54,640
All you have to do is eat
before you go out.

754
00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:58,040
That's it. Have a sandwich
or a meal deal.

755
00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:00,000
Um, yeah.

756
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:02,360
It's not cheating.
It's just sensible.

757
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:06,040
And I was talking to
a guy outside of a pub,

758
00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:07,960
and we were having a nice
conversation.

759
00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:10,760
And then just out of nowhere,
he was like, "Oh-oh. Um...

760
00:39:10,760 --> 00:39:12,040
"Mm...

761
00:39:13,240 --> 00:39:15,000
"Sorry, just one sec. One sec..."

762
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:16,160
SHE RETCHES

763
00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:18,080
Right? Like, he turned around,
which was sweet,

764
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:20,640
and then he comes up,
and he's like...

765
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:25,280
"Where are you from?"

766
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:31,360
"LA. We do that in the toilets...

767
00:39:31,360 --> 00:39:34,000
"..after we eat,
like normal people."

768
00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:40,560
My parents are disappointed
I didn't get married because,

769
00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:41,720
like I said, I'm Egyptian.

770
00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:44,760
I'm in my 40s, so I was supposed
to be married 30 years ago,

771
00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:46,720
so they're like, "Tick-tock.

772
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:49,840
"When's this happening?"

773
00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:51,280
But they don't understand dating.

774
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:54,480
My parents didn't date.
They were an arranged marriage.

775
00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:57,880
They met on The Bachelor,
Season 3, I think.

776
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:03,720
They don't get that joke,
or anything I do, but...

777
00:40:05,240 --> 00:40:09,000
I was supposed to be a doctor
or a lawyer or an engineer,

778
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:11,280
which is pretty typical for Arabs,
actually.

779
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:14,280
Like, I went to Palestine once
to do comedy there,

780
00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:17,200
because that's what that region
needs, just dick jokes.

781
00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:19,760
So I thought I'd help.

782
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:23,760
And after the show there was a Q&A
and somebody in the audience

783
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:26,320
was like, "Why did you decide
to become a comedian?"

784
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:27,680
And as a joke, I was like,

785
00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:29,600
"Oh, I wasn't smart enough
to be a doctor."

786
00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:32,440
But they didn't get it.
They were like, "Oh, I'm sorry.

787
00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:35,880
"Maybe if you study harder
you can do it."

788
00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:38,000
I was like, "Yeah, definitely.
This is a lifelong dream.

789
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:39,240
"That's all right."

790
00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:43,880
My dad thinks
I'm his responsibility

791
00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:46,680
until I'm my husband's
responsibility, but at no point

792
00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:50,080
am I to be my own responsibility,
right? Like, the women in my culture

793
00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,040
need a chaperone through life.

794
00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:54,320
Like, we just don't have
the same rights as the men.

795
00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:56,840
Because my dad wanted to move
from Cairo to America,

796
00:40:56,840 --> 00:40:59,240
so he just moved.
"You're a man - bye!" Right?

797
00:40:59,240 --> 00:41:02,000
My mom wanted to move from
Cairo to America,

798
00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:04,160
and they were like, "Well, let's
find you a husband in America."

799
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:06,280
And that's how they met.

800
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,200
Three of my aunts became nuns.

801
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:12,160
That's a lot of nuns for one family.

802
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,680
And I was like, "Mom, why did
all your sisters become nuns?"

803
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,640
She was like, "Cos they didn't
want to get married."

804
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:19,920
And then she caught herself.
She's like, "Because they love God."

805
00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:23,360
I was like, "No, I knew it."

806
00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:24,800
They saw their options.

807
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:25,840
"Meet Samir.

808
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,240
"He doesn't know how to do his own
laundry, and he has hummus

809
00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:29,920
"in his beard right now.

810
00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:34,640
"You can have sex with him
every night, or meet God -

811
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:37,000
"the only thing you have to do
on your knees is pray."

812
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:39,000
And they were like,

813
00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:42,200
"Yeah, God, that's perfect.
Thank you."

814
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:48,160
I love being in London because
it's so close to the rest of Europe.

815
00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:50,000
I love to travel. I go to Paris.

816
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,080
I tell my American friends
I'm going to Paris.

817
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:53,200
They get so excited for me.

818
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,840
They're like, "Oh, my God, Paris.
We love that for you.

819
00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:57,960
"We love Amelie."

820
00:41:57,960 --> 00:41:59,840
Then I tell people here
I'm going to Paris.

821
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:02,080
You don't give a shit - at all.

822
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,200
All you ever say when I say
I'm going there is,

823
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:06,600
"Oh, cool. How are you
getting there?

824
00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:08,000
"Are you taking the train?"

825
00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:12,320
"Oh, the train's so great.
You're going to love the train!"

826
00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:14,320
Like, cool.

827
00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:16,040
Every time.

828
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:18,000
"How are you getting there?
Are you taking the train?

829
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:19,520
"Oh, the train is so great!"

830
00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:24,560
Like, so is Paris. Why can't
I talk about Paris? What?

831
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:27,240
I'm going to go to cafes
and museums.

832
00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:29,320
I'm going to see
Jim Morrison's grave,

833
00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:30,800
and you're like, "That's cool.

834
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:33,680
"How are you getting home, though?
Are you taking the train?

835
00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:35,000
"The train's so great."

836
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,760
Like, it's a good train. Relax.

837
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:39,880
It's good to vomit on. And...

838
00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:44,040
..last time I was there,
this Parisian man walks

839
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:46,720
right up to me. He was like,
"You have fire."

840
00:42:48,080 --> 00:42:49,840
This is why I love the French.

841
00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:51,320
What a thing to say to a stranger.

842
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:52,520
"You have fire."

843
00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:55,040
"Yeah, you're damn right
I have fire, sir."

844
00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:57,200
Right? I'm a strong,
independent woman.

845
00:42:57,200 --> 00:42:58,440
I'm a comedian.

846
00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:00,360
He didn't know any of this,
but he must've just seen

847
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,840
something in me, like my aura,
and he had to come up and be like,

848
00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:04,160
"You have fire."

849
00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:06,480
Turns out he was just looking
for a lighter.

850
00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:16,200
Which I had - I had one. I had one.

851
00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:18,960
I just wish he'd told me
before I fucked him.

852
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:20,440
Sorry.

853
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:23,000
You guys, thank you so much.
I'm Maria Shehata.

854
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:25,080
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

855
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:29,040
Maria Shehata!

856
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:33,480
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up one more time

857
00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:36,000
for Maria Shehata!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

858
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,640
And Harriet Dyer!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

859
00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:40,920
I've been Iain Stirling.
Have a nice night.

860
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:42,920
Goodnight. God bless. Thank you!

861
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:44,040
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE