I want something that says, "I'm sorry he's dead..."
"but not that sorry."
"He was just a dog and you shouldn't have loved him more than me."
Can you do me a bunch that says that?
Rachel, darling, tell your father he can't wear that suit.
He looks nice.
- You look nice. - Thank you, poppet.
Seen better-dressed crab.
I have a question.
Oh, God, will somebody please put a gag on my daughter?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Nobody knows, nobody cares. So, for once in your little life, would you just...
What do you think?
- Holy wow. - Oh, darling.
You look like a meringue.
Good.
- You're late. - Balls.
- What's the job? - Wedding.
- You always pull. - One of us has to.
- Nice couple? - Haven't met them.
- All about the mother. - Isn't it always?
- Come out with me afterwards. - Sure.
- You will? - Absolutely.
- Oh, cool. Well, we'll go together. - I'll meet you there.
- You're not coming. - My favorite advert's on TV.
- You need a love life. - I have a "like" life. It suits me fine.
No, I feel good, actually, bizarrely good.
Yeah, yeah, no nerves at all. None whatsoever. Thanks.
- Thank you very much. Thank you. - Hi.
- You're Hector, right, the groom?
Yeah, yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call me Heck.
- Well, I did your flowers. - Oh, did you?
Oh, well, they're fabulous. Aren't they, Coop?
Fabulous, yeah. Although, I wouldn't know a nice flower from a poke in the eye.
But they're fabulous, aren't they, Coop?
So, Ned, how long have you guys been married, then?
Thirty years.
If I'd killed her when I first thought about it, I'd be out by now.
A free man.
I remember all the way to the church I just wanted to shout...
"Stop the car! This is a horrible mistake."
But you can't, can you?
So, you just sit there, say nothing...
as the wheels keep turning, leading you on to the longest sentence...
Stop the car! I forgot to pee.
All right, panic over.
They're here now.
- Good luck, chum. - All right, Tessa? You all right?
- Hi, Heck. - Hi, babe.
You want some help with this thing?
Yes.
I do work out, yes.
- Don't have a six-pack. - No?
- No, 12-pack on this puppy. - I don't really like men with muscles.
The bonus is, though, I'm very... I'm very sensitive, too.
Heck, I've got a question.
Not now.
What's the question, H?
What happens when an unstoppable force meets a immovable object?
I haven't got a bastard clue, I'm afraid.
There you are, you see. Now we can let him get married in peace.
It never happens. If there's a thing that can't be stopped...
it's not possible for there to be something else which can't be moved, and vice versa.
They can't both exist. You see, it's a trick question...
is the answer.
Can she sit with me?
- So what am I doing here? - When do fish sleep?
- She's coming round, is she? - She is coming.
Of course she is.
Yep.
When? When's she coming?
- What's your name, anyway? - Everyone calls me "H."
They tell me it's short for Henrietta, but it's not.
It's short for Jesus "H" Christ.
That's what my mummy said when she found out she was pregnant with me.
Isn't Heck handsome?
- I fancy that flower girl. - Yeah, yeah, I know you do.
She likes me, right? I got a vibe that she likes me.
Coop, it's my wedding day. Can we talk about me?
Sure, yes.
Did you get the vibe that she likes me?
Right, last one to the altar's a sissy.
- Well, this is it. - Wish me luck.
Wish you luck?
It's a wedding. Bridesmaids always blow weddings.
- Wish me luck. - Good luck.
She's here.
Okay, you're sorted. I'm gonna set up the reception.
Excuse me.
- All good? - Always.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God...
and in the face of this congregation...
You look beautiful. To join together this man...
and this woman in holy matrimony.
Congratulations!
Please keep your arms by your side. It's like dancing with a gibbon.
Nothing.
Over here!
- Hi. - Hi.
- We haven't met. I'm Luce. - Rachel.
- I did your flowers. - You did? My flowers are nice.
Anyway, I was just gonna get...
a drink.
I wouldn't.
What, is there something wrong? I'm here to help.
My ring. I was getting some of this punch crap and...
- Your wedding ring? - It fell off.
Off and in there. My wedding ring is in there.
- And you tried the ladle? - Nothing.
- And you can't empty... - No.
No, it's too big.
- Right. Only one thing to do. Cover me. - What?
Use the dress. I'm going in.
You can't just... Oh, yes, really, you can.
Hi.
They say white's the color of virgins.
If I know Hector, the only thing virgin round here is the olive oil.
The old jokes really are the best, aren't they?
I'm Rob. Hector works underneath me, but not in the biblical sense.
You're just like he described.
Now, I need booze. I've just met a cracking filly...
thought I'd grease the passage, so to speak.
- Hi. - Hi.
- This is Luce. She's a florist. - Name's Rob.
- But you can call me anything you'd like. - And I'm sure I will.
Mac, can you do me a favor and give me something that's soft and smooth, yeah?
Hey, H, H. Why don't you go visit with your friends, they all miss you.
Okay.
Our turn for this dance, I think.
- We fit nice, don't we, together? - Yes.
Let me just come... Oh, that's...
- You okay? - Yep. Bit tight there, Coop.
I lost my virginity to this song.
I love dancing with you.
Hello, everybody.
Is this... Is this thing... Is this thing on?
Cooper, there you are.
Get this berk off the microphone and make a proper speech.
Unaccustomed...
What are you doing? As I am, to public speaking.
Problem now.
Anyway, these guys are in love...
and I think that that's boring.
They've been in love for years, years!
Years that have seen endless amounts of drugs consumed...
and meaningless sex thoroughly enjoyed by me!
They just stayed at home, as they do.
They've been like a married couple for so many years...
it's a relief that they're finally married.
So, before I do my duty as best man and shag a bridesmaid...
you know who you are...
I would like to raise a glass to Rachel and Hector.
May they grow old together sharing the same pillow.
Rachel and Hector.
Oh, and, now, this is a very big deal.
Some say the reason it's taken him this long to get married is his fear...
of making just this speech, but he's making it now!
He's not sure he can do it, I know he can do it.
Please put it together repeatedly, here's Hecky!
I know something that helps, Hector. Imagine everybody naked.
Hi, everyone. I'm Heck...
and welcome to my wedding.
So, I'm glad you're all here looking at me because...
'cause I want to tell you how much I love Rachel.
What an amazing, wonderful, uniquely fantastic person she is.
- Do you want to keep going? - No, no, I think you're doing great.
Okay, so this is me now.
I've been looking forward to this day all my life.
And I'm glad to share it with so many people I love...
and a few people I've never met before.
But I'm sure you're all great, too.
I feel like I've known Heck all my life. And I know I'll know him for the rest of it.
He's my best friend.
They say fairytales have happy endings, even though the passage can be rough.
But Heck and I were mates and then lovers.
And it's been smooth all the way.
Maybe that's a better kind of fairytale.
- Hear, hear. - Hear, hear!
Sort of, toast-schmoast won't do all that.
But if you could all just wish us luck, Heck and I would appreciate it very much.
All ready?
One, two, three.
Good luck!
- Hello. - Hi.
You gotta help me. I need a flower. Just one. A good one. The best.
- Okay. - This is my last chance.
- My last-chance flower. - Your last chance?
I really twatted up.
Only the right flower can save me. What about a rose?
- A red rose, what would that say? - Love.
- Love's nice, that works. - And fidelity.
- Not a red rose, then. - No.
Not a rose at all. It's too obvious.
If this really is your last chance, we need to find you something spectacular.
- Be right with you. - That's fine.
- Hi. - Hey.
- How you doing? - Good.
Great. I just...
See what's out here.
- Came by to say thanks. - It was a total pleasure.
- Listen, sorry, I'm just dealing with... - Oh, God, of course. Go right ahead.
What's your favorite flower?
I don't know. I think I like lilies.
They're wrong.
- How about this? Bird of paradise. - Keep talking.
Real name's Strelitzia, named after Charlotte of Strelitz.
She married King George III, had 15 kids. They never spent more than an hour apart.
- Okay, stop talking. - He actually...
- Do you want to come to dinner? - Sorry?
Dinner with us, Heck and me.
- I mean, you don't... - I'd love to.
- Really? This Friday? - Yeah, Friday. Why not?
Great, I'll just write down the...
Perfect.
This is the one. My last-chance flower.
- Wish me luck. - Good luck.
Next item, lot 48, the 1930s American oak mantle clock.
Here at £48. At £48.
£50. Thank you. Lady bid £50. Lady bid £50.
Okay, baby, now you got to glare, give out the red eye.
I'd do it, it's just that you're a lot more frightening.
No, I'm not.
- Who am I glaring at? - Anyone who wants that sofa.
- They can't have it, it's mine. - Ours.
- Ours? - If it's under the limit, £200.
- I don't see how we need a limit. - I like limits, otherwise, you'll go mad.
Damn right I will. That thing is mine.
Ours.
Do you think they'll have a limit?
£75. £75...
I invited someone to dinner, Friday. That florist, Luce.
- Lucy, whatever. - Oh, great, I'll cook.
Please don't.
- Moving right along. Lot 49. - Okay, baby, this is us.
The very attractive leather sofa, there.
Brown leather chesterfield, brass stud decoration...
in slightly distressed condition at £90.
I asked because... And this is my plan.
- Oh, no. - I thought we'd get Coop along.
Great idea. Excellent. But what would be better is if we didn't do that.
£90. Do I hear £90?
Not from us. Come in late. Psych them on the way out.
I think they'd be perfect for each other. Don't you think they'd be perfect?
£100, £100. £110, thank you.
Red eye, baby. Still the red eye. Who?
Luce and Coop. I think they'd be perfect.
£120. £130, thank you.
He did say that he was onto a promise at the wedding before she bailed.
There you go. It's totally on.
- £150 at the back. - Okay.
It's funny.
I went round to say thank you for what she did at our wedding.
Not yet.
You know when you've just met someone but straight away...
you feel as if they're going to be your friend?
- £170, £180. - Nearly there.
Who knows why? Past life, physiognomy.
£190.
But for some reason, you just kind of click.
Here we go.
£210? £210.
- £210. - Bollocks.
I don't know what I'm saying. But do you know what I mean?
Are we there at £210, all done at £210?
Baby, we lost it. The sofa.
- What? - Over our limit.
£400!
£400?
- What are you doing? - I live here. What are you doing?
Came to tidy.
You should be dressed, Mum.
Well, I was. I'm just settling in for the evening.
It's 5:00. You said you were going out later.
No, you said I was going out later.
- Have you finished work already? - I'm busy tonight.
What, a date? Does my daughter have a date?
No. But you could have.
"Tea dances, reading groups, bridge clubs."
Tragic attempts by lonely old coffin dodgers...
to meet someone before they give up and peg out.
Everybody looking for love.
Well, they won't find it, and they certainly won't get sex.
All those men are so old, it'd be like playing snooker with a rope.
You know, those people are sad.
- You're sad. - No.
I'm depressed. There's a difference.
I wish you'd get a life.
I wish you would.
Yes, I know you do.
Toby, I'm telling you, that's the number. You've gotta believe me.
Oh, come on, Toby, don't be like that. We're friends. Aren't we friends?
Well, I like you. Look, would you believe it if Heck told you?
You would? Thank you very much.
Hey, Toby.
Yeah, I know. Weird, but believe him, okay?
Okay. Speak to you soon.
All good.
- You see, the truth never fails. - Yeah, except we were lying.
Hmm.
Sorry I'm late, beautiful person.
- You look spectacular. - How was work?
Shite. Quitting.
You always say that.
Just watch me. One day, I'll do it.
Tell them I don't like them or their cash. Although I do like their cash.
Whatever. I'll think of something and then walk out.
I'll be waiting with champagne.
How much do I wish it was just us tonight.
He'll definitely be into her, right?
- Coop? He'll fancy Luce? - She's got a pulse, hasn't she?
No, but, I mean... You do. You would?
Well, she's not really my bag of chips, darling, but, yeah, I suppose.
- Oh, what do you think? - Of her? I haven't really...
Oh, no, no. The shirt?
Oh, uh...
- It's gorgeous. You're gorgeous. - Yeah?
Want to fool around?
Saved by the bell. But you're in a lot of trouble later.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Come in. You look fab. - Thank you.
- Guess what I brought? - Oh, bless you. Rachel will flip.
- Sweetheart. - Here I am.
- Hey. - Hi.
- So, come check out our new sofa. - Our expensive new sofa.
- You can't put a price on comfort. - You see, a woman after my own heart.
Listen, do you believe in reincarnation?
It's just that Rach thought you guys had met before.
- That's not quite what I... - I'd have remembered, I think.
Well, let's hang these flowers and get that jacket in some water.
- I'll do it. - Ta.
- Thanks. - Thank you, darling.
Well, so, basically, the book I've wanted to write is...
a guide to wherever is the coolest place on the planet at the time.
If it's February, it's the Rio Carnival.
And if it's, I don't know, May, it's bulls in Pamplona.
So, if you...
want a holiday /party, then, you know, you open the book...
and there's me telling you where to go.
'Cause you've been there.
Yeah, that was the plan, but, you know...
Rach, life, work.
- Rach. - Some day.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
Anyway, how about you? Married?
Ever been married, ever gonna be married?
No. No. Maybe now the laws have changed.
- How do you mean? - Well, I'm gay.
Mmm.
Lovely. Well done.
- That'll be Cooper. - Cooper's coming.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Heck?
- This is absolutely revolting. - You think so?
It is, sweetheart. It's atrocious.
Anyway, more importantly, listen. It's been three weeks now.
Let's have it. How much better is sex after marriage?
- Please. - Because, when I've had sex...
with people after they were married, they have said that it's fantastic.
- Rach? - Get wed and find out yourself.
Come on, Cooper couldn't make that commitment.
We're talking about two or three years of his life.
Well, not a one-person person.
You really don't think your other half's out there?
- Or, you know, in here? - Actually, Rach...
What, there's some gorgeous women around.
Yes, there are, and I'm trying to sleep with as many as I can.
And you never fail, do you?
You know, they teach the birds and the bees about me.
It'll all change when you meet Miss Right.
And how am I supposed to know when I do that?
You don't know, not straight away. It just feels...
warm and comfortable...
and you hang in there and give it a chance, before you know it, you're like...
"Yeah, this is it. Must be love."
- Yeah, I'm with her. - I'm with her, too. Give me that.
I don't agree.
I think you know immediately. You know, as soon as your eyes...
Then everything that happens from then on, just proves...
that you had been right in that first moment.
When you suddenly realized you had been incomplete and now you are whole.
- Actually, I'm with her, I'd say. - I'm with her, too.
Sorted. So, who's for pudding?
- Yes. - No.
- No? - No.
If you think that, you think that everyone that doesn't have all that...
business is settling for less.
- That's not what I'm saying. - That kind of is what you're saying.
I think she said it a bit nicer.
Trifle?
You look tired, chief. You have a good day at work?
- Shite. I'm quitting. - Did you check out flower girl back there?
Made that speech for me.
Later on tonight, we're gonna fall madly in bed.
- Oh, it's going well for you guys? - It's going very well.
She's a lesbian.
Is that right? Cool.
You don't think that slightly impedes your plans for seduction?
Anyone can change teams.
Not anyone. I wouldn't... 'Cause, you know... But anyone, I mean...
What are you doing?
- It's gorgeous. - It's raining.
Heck won't come up here.
They say it's subconscious fear you'll throw yourself off...
but he freaks when I go near the edge, too.
Sorry about dinner.
I've eaten worse.
- Kind of went off. - You didn't go off.
You went a little way off.
- You're wet. - I'm fine.
- And you're cold. - I'm fine!
- You can have it. Really, you can have it. - I'm so fine.
- It's fine. Well... - Okay, now you're cold.
Hey, what are you guys up to?
Nothing.
Well, Coop wants to play strip poker or strip Cooper...
and I really want him to go home.
- Good night. - See you soon.
- Two. - Thanks for dinner.
Bye.
Cheers, Coop.
- Next left. - It's one option, yes.
How about instead, we just go straight back to my place?
Coop, take the next left.
- You all right, Luce? - Why, 'cause I don't want to shag you?
You're welcome not to shag me, just don't sit in my car all bored like that.
I'm sorry.
Really.
You've got something on your mind, that's obvious.
You know what you should do? You should share with me.
Because beneath this rugged exterior...
there beats a sensitive soul.
- No, there doesn't. - No, there doesn't, but tell me anyway.
Bet it's a girl thing, no, right? I mean, it's got to be.
It's a hot and horny scene. It's you and another vegetarian.
Come on. Tell Uncle Cooper all about it. Spare me no detail.
Have you ever met someone and just...
- But there was someone else already? - Yeah, sure.
Hot ones are always taken.
- So, what do you do? - What do I do?
I shag them.
Partner is their problem, it's not mine.
Yeah, I think you don't mess with other couples.
Don't cause that pain, ever.
You just face facts that it can't happen...
walk away. Hook up with someone available instead.
Well, your place or mine? Come on, let's... I'm so good in bed.
So, you promise me the whole matchmaking thing is over, right?
Last night was a big success. They left together.
That distant sound you hear is wedding bells.
What, you didn't twig?
- Oh, damn, you are so uncool. - What? Twig what?
Well, the thing you didn't know about Luce is the fact that she's... right here.
- Hey, hey. - Hey, hi!
- Hello. - Hi.
Weirdest thing, we were just talking about you.
Oh, all nice, I hope.
- Oh, sorry. Heck, this is Edie. - Edie.
- Heck. - And Rachel.
- Rachel. - Edie.
- Luce? - Good.
- So, Saturday shopping? - Is right.
Great.
Enjoy it. And listen, thanks for dinner. We should definitely...
- Definitely. - We will.
- Okay. Well, have a nice rest of shop. - You, too.
So, are you going out tonight, 'cause I was thinking...
Whoa, pussycat. What the hell was going on there?
That's what I'm trying to tell you. Luce is gay.
- She's gay. - As a tennis player.
Hey, you reckon that's the girlfriend?
She's not just heterosexual. She's, like, Barbie heterosexual.
Oh, hey. How you doing?
We were just talking about you this time.
- Baby, we'll be late for kickoff. - Oh, there's hours yet.
Sport thing, football team.
- Oh, how darling. Isn't that darling? - Good, well, I hope you win.
- Edie, are you gay? - Oh, God.
Am I gay? I'm ecstatic.
- And are you two... - No. We're not.
I tried and I tried, but she loves another.
So, I... I'll call you.
- Do, 'cause we should definitely... - Definitely.
- We will. - We're going that way.
- Yep. Bye again. - Bye.
So, I found out they are not an item.
Yeah, very tactful. Let's pay.
Hi.
- Are you stalking us? - And why would we do a thing like that?
- We'll be at this till. - Waving.
- We'll wave back. - And do.
- Yes. - Well, we must.
Definitely.
You know if there's a travel section, babe?
I like this jam.
It's really good jam.
I should make jam.
- I could make it, you know. - 'Course you could.
- You don't think I could. - Not for a second.
Anyway, I was talking to Rob yesterday.
- That man's an arse. - That man is an arse.
But he's got this really sweet girlfriend.
God knows what she found to love about him, but she does.
He cheats on her like a nutter.
- Oh, come back to bed. - I'm up now.
Does she know?
Well, I'm like, "If you wanna leave, tell her."
- You're really up? - I really am.
Maybe he doesn't want to leave.
Maybe he doesn't know what he wants.
Anyway, he should figure it out before someone gets hurt.
Why are you looking at me?
'Cause you're a good person.
You wait till I make jam, then I'll rock your world.
What about a bit more color in there? I've got some lovely lilac.
Oh, why not?
They're for my boyfriend.
- I'm gonna tell him we're having a baby. - That's great.
I think so. He will, too. He definitely will.
He's a bit of a control freak.
I'm surprised he doesn't wear the diaphragm.
He's...
He's gonna hate me.
I love him so much.
Yeah, I'm not surprised. He sounds wonderful.
I didn't...
- I don't know what to do. - I should...
If you'll just let me...
Flowered Up.
Yes, I can do delivery.
Right now? No, it's no problem.
Hi.
I was told to deliver these to Table 7.
Oh, certainly. It's through there.
- Cute, huh? - Very cute.
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.
Coop, you and me...
it's not gonna happen.
It's not?
I'll be your friend.
Well, that'll do...
for now.
Really. My daughter's school presentation.
You should've let me get T-shirts made.
It's not really that kind of deal.
Probably a blessing. Your father doesn't have the body for them.
'Course I'm just speaking from memory.
- Hi. - Lucy, darling, what are you doing here?
I helped H with her...
- Well, she invited me, so... - Henrietta's ready to start now.
This is space. Space is many light years away.
Light years are not measured in days or months, but in kilometers.
There's a good reason for this, but I don't quite understand it yet.
This bit is the Milky Way.
It's made up of lots of stars and lots of celestial phenona...
Phenona... Phenonema.
One of the best constellations is Ursa Major...
which is Latin American for Big Bear.
It's called that because one day in the olden times...
that never really happened...
a naughty god called Zeus wanted to go to bed with someone he wasn't married to.
His wife was about to catch him and be very cross...
so Zeus turned his girlfriend into a bear.
But Mrs. Zeus...
And that's everything you need to know about space.
- So good. - Very good.
You have to go, right?
But I don't. I'm okay.
Luce, I...
I think that we should talk about something that...
- It's just, I don't know. When I'm with... - Yeah, I do have to go.
Actually, I've just realized I've got a delivery.
Oh, yeah, right.
You go.
Yeah.
Listen to this.
"In her acceptance speech, the distinguished scientist...
"paid tribute to her husband, Dr. Chris Davis." Spelled wrong.
"Tomorrow the pair celebrate their 42nd wedding anniversary...
"after eloping together on the day they met.
"When asked how they could possibly have known it would all work out...
"Professor Harrison... Professor...
"replied in true scientific fashion...
"'You don't know. You can never be sure. But you take the plunge anyway.
"'Sure is for people who don't love enough."'
Aw.
- Do you guys believe in love at first sight? - Well, it saves time.
No. Really, that you could meet someone, or just...
across a room...
and with that one glance you could look in their eyes and see their soul.
Do you believe that could happen?
- No. - Absolutely not.
No. Me, neither.
These are due back Thursday.
If we're closed, just pop them through the door. Enjoy.
- Thanks a lot. - Thanks.
Hi. These, please.
And this as well.
It's just... It's for research.
Call it what you want, darling.
- It's actually out. - Oh, that's okay.
- It doesn't matter... - Although, it's due back.
- I'll give them a call. - Oh, no, honestly...
Babe, trust me. This one you wanna see.
Hello, Cas? Yeah, it's Terri from the vid shop.
Thought it was you.
- Mum. - I was just dropping by...
with the wedding snaps.
Though, I tell you, that photographer should be sacked.
He made me look like a thug. A thug in lilac.
- Anything good? - No, no.
There's a lady here needs your copy of Georgie's Bush.
- Georgie's Bush? - It's for research.
It's for Heck.
He's very interested in American politics.
She's bringing it round.
Well, I call that very sexy.
Hmm?
Wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers, would you?
Whoa.
- Oh, Georgie! Oh! - Call me Mrs. President.
Babe, are you home?
"You have won a share of £1 million."
Excellent.
- Oh, you are home. - Hi.
Oh, God. Am I glad to see you.
The morning I've had. I just had to get away, you know?
- Shall I burn some lunch? - Please.
Hey, you got some vids.
- Yeah, don't bother looking. I just got... - This one's great.
This one's pants, but whatever.
And here's one I haven't seen before.
Which, are you...
They gave me the wrong one. That... Oh, my God! That...
The woman at the video store.
- I'll take it back. - Yeah, take it back. That's excellent, yeah.
I mean, what, it's porn, right? It's degrading.
- It's offensive. - God, yes.
Yeah. Let's watch it anyway.
Come on, Rach, I mean, things have been getting...
a bit slack in that department recently.
- I know it's my fault and it's... Yeah. - No, it's mine. I...
But I don't wanna watch this.
- Why? - It doesn't turn me on.
Makes one of us.
I love the smell of hot dog in the evening.
Smells like...
- hot dog. - Yeah.
The thing is, Ned, what I wanted to ask was...
- Two, please. - I was just wondering if it was a bit...
odd for you guys, you know, after you got married?
If the interplay between you two...
got a bit...
- clutchy? - Do you want onions?
No, thanks.
- Because what I'm finding... - Mustard? Ketchup?
- I can recommend both. - No, I'm trying to talk to you here.
- Oh? What about, dear boy? - Well, it's just... I'm just... Well...
I'm finding it a bit tricky at the moment with Rachel...
Oh, God, you mustn't discuss her with me. Never do that.
- Sorry? - Well, that's our problem, you see.
Two of us, we can be most pleasant to each other...
talk of sport or weather till our throats hurt.
- Yeah, yeah. - Never mention Rachel.
As soon as you do, the only concrete thought...
running through my mind is...
that hound is putting it up my daughter.
Rach.
Darling, I don't know what to do about your father.
He's never been the last of the red hot lovers...
but, recently, it's got to the point where he's jealous of stiff wind.
Hey, you guys.
- Thank God you're here. - You have no idea.
Good. Got you both.
Now, how are my grandchildren coming along?
Could you get me away from her, please?
Just hinting, darling.
One wants to have them while one's still young enough to pick them up.
You know, what I do with your parents is remind myself...
that if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have you.
What's up, baby?
Let's go home.
Now, remember, try not to look like you're my child, okay?
Because it puts men off.
But keep your eyes peeled, and if you spot anyone, you think...
- you know, "Well, he looks nice..." - Hi.
- Luce! - Hey, hey.
- How you doing? - This is my friend, Beth. She's on her own.
Now you've found a friend, can I go home?
No.
- Trying to find her a man. - There aren't any.
Trust me, I've looked. Oh, careful.
- Sorry, Mrs... - Don't call me "Mrs."
Hello.
All right?
Brilliant.
You've got a boyfriend You've got a boyfriend.
No, I haven't. Not yet.
I can't wait till you get a boyfriend.
- You probably can, actually. - You could even get a husband.
You're old enough. Find one like Heck.
H, I should explain something to you.
I do believe I will be with one person for the rest of my life...
but that person will be a woman.
I understand.
You do?
My best friend is Natalie Curtis.
I'd rather spend the rest of my life with her than any boy.
There you go.
It doesn't mean that you're a lesbian or anything.
Come on, let's go.
- I'll put the kettle on, babe. - I'll have a beer instead.
Really?
- I was gonna offer, but... - But what?
Rach, are you pregnant?
No. No, I'm not, no.
I just thought it might explain your recent...
Whatever. Nothing.
Unless...
Unless what?
Mmm.
Do you want to get pregnant?
You and my mum.
Listen, I know we said we were going to wait...
but until what, you know, we're even more settled?
Come on, what do you think?
I got to take it.
Rob, hey, what's up?
No, I've a minute.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in my briefcase, hang on.
Hello.
Hey, gorgeous.
That was Rob. Look, I'm really sorry about this but...
No, of course you should still go.
You know, I wouldn't put you through my evening for all the coke in Colombia.
You know, it'll be the usual bollocks, everyone will get pissed.
I'll get pissed...
And start singing country and western songs badly like I always do.
Hello?
- Heck, it's Luce. - Hey, Luce. How's it going?
It's Luce. What's up?
Nothing. My phone just rang and...
Sorry, you busy Tuesday night?
Do you fancy escorting my wife somewhere?
It's just, like, I've got this wanky work thing which I can't get out of.
You know, it'll be really great if you could look after Rach for me.
Go on, say yes. Go on.
- Then, yes. - Brilliant. Brilliant.
Well, Rach will ring you with the details...
and be safe.
You, too.
You shouldn't have done that. I hardly know her.
Yeah, but she's your...
soul-mate-for-life type thing. You'll have a belter.
Beer.
Does she know where we're going?
Go on, hound him! Hound his legs, chop him!
- Over there! - On the left side!
- You know, you're kind of shrill. - What?
When you shout.
You want them to hear your abuse better, you've got to project it.
- Teach me. - Okay.
First off, tighten your stomach muscles.
- I don't think I've got any. - Yeah, you do.
- You really do. They're right here. - There?
Mmm-hmm.
- Tighten. - Tighten.
- Tense them. - They're pretty tense.
Okay, next, broaden your diaphragm.
- My what? - It's here.
Oh.
Okay, push it out against my hand.
You feel my hand?
Maybe if you put them both there.
Okay.
And now, for the big one.
Imagine the roof of your mouth is a cathedral.
- No, you've lost me. - Oh, come on.
No, the muscles, the diaphragm, I'm there, but...
It's a space thing.
All right, your mouth is that big that you have to fill it with sound.
Deep from inside, filling the space, then throwing it out.
Like how?
Like this.
You're a wanker, Number 9!
- That's not bad, is it? - No.
All right, so your turn. Where do you want to go?
I don't care where we go.
Good. I'll decide again.
Okay.
I feel like dancing.
Boom. Hold that thought.
What? What, you know somewhere we should go?
Got an idea.
Let's begin the dancing.
Disco, disco, disco.
Okay, do the dog kick.
Now we are talking boogie.
Yeah, that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh.
I know what I like, and I am liking what I see.
You guys rule!
- All right, more. - Tell me about the lily.
- You don't want to know about the lily. - It's my favorite.
Ask me about the azalea.
All right. What about the azalea?
The azalea means, "May you achieve financial security."
- Bah. - See?
Lovely. Now, tell me about the lily.
The lily means...
The lily means, "I dare you to love me."
Well, thanks for this evening.
- Thank you. - It was my birthday.
No, today? You should've said.
- It's mine coming up. - We're practically twins.
This is me.
I...
Okay, good night.
Yeah.
Night.
Your feet.
- Are they cold? - No, stinking.
Yes, of course, they're cold.
Come here.
You fancy coming round mine tonight, or are you too married?
Actually, Rach wants to take me to dinner.
Just phoned me up and wants to take me to dinner...
- which is sweet. - Very sweet.
Yeah.
Blow her off. Come round mine for pizza.
Really, no, I want you to meet the Italian girl that delivers it.
What about that flower girl, Luce? I thought you had plans there.
There's another one that won't let me get it wet.
She's gay.
- I'm a cure for lesbianism. - No, you're a deeply shallow man.
Yes, I am.
When's it gonna stop?
- Never, I hope. - God bless you.
Really, though, you know, I'm 29 years old.
- You're 31. - Precisely my point. I'm getting older.
And I see you...
I see what you've got with...
I can see that stability.
And the trust, and permanence.
And I think...
"God, I'm glad I'm not you."
Actually things don't feel totally 100% stable at the moment.
You got trouble in paradise?
No, no, no.
How could there be? We only just got married.
That's all it... All it is, isn't it?
Millie! Millie, darling.
I'm sorry I'm late.
- Coop. - Don't move.
- What? - No, there's just...
a girl back there that I never called back. Just stay perfectly still, okay?
We'll get through this.
Did you ever, you know...
cross the street?
That depends.
- On what? - On what the hell you're talking about.
- Drink after work tonight? - Dinner with Heck.
I mean, did you ever...
fancy, or think you might've briefly before you realized you didn't...
- another woman? - Why?
I'm trying to find someone for Beth, and I thought I'd double my chances.
Already tried it. It didn't happen for me.
I like men.
I mean, I hate men, but, you know.
I always hoped to do a woman before I died.
But it's kind of like...
I want to go to Norway sometime. Do you know what I mean?
Probably never gonna happen.
- So Heck's taking you to dinner? - I'm taking him.
How perfect.
That was fun.
Wasn't it fun?
Had a good time.
- You know, Rach, I think... - Hey, the heath!
You remember that night you took me in the bushes?
- I never took you in the bushes. - Sorry, wrong guy.
I took you up against a tree.
I can't be dealing with bushes, nettles, and deadly nightshade.
- Let's do it. - What?
- Let's go. Let's do it now. - No.
Rach, no.
Rach.
Rach, where are you?
Come on, darling.
Rachel!
I just, I just don't understand why we have to do this stuff anymore.
You know, we've got a flat. It's a good one.
And I've confiscated your mother's key, so she can't sneak up on us anymore.
And I swear that woman's got a sex radar.
We've got a bed, you know. Warm, it's welcoming...
it smells nice, it's a damn sight better than this arsing place.
Jesus Christ.
- Did I scare you? - No. Nettles everywhere.
- What are you doing? - Taking off your clothes.
Actually, it's one of the great things about being a man.
You can do these things without stripping off.
Just a zip. Simple zip is all you need.
Give it a yank, and you're well away, darling.
- You gonna talk all through this? - Did I mention we have a bed?
- What was that? - What?
Nothing. Nothing.
All right, whoever is behind there...
come out before we beat the crap out of you.
Yeah, damn it.
Terribly sorry.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
Oh, God.
- We were trying not to disturb you. - That's fine, really.
Disturb us? No. No, you didn't disturb us.
- We, we... We were just, you know. - So were we.
So, you think we were... No, and we're married.
And we have a bed.
- I'm Heck, by the way. - Michael.
- How do you do? - How do you do?
- Michael, too. - Oh, really.
I'm Rachel.
It was lovely to meet you two chaps.
- Must be very nice to be married. - We only just met this evening.
Yeah, sometimes I feel like we did, too.
- Hi. - No, no, you're not happy to see...
You can't. I don't want you to be happy to see me.
- Okay. - Okay.
So, I'm here because I don't know what's going on.
I don't.
You make me feel something. Something I absolutely cannot feel.
I'm married.
I'm married, for Christ's sake. I have a husband, this...
man that I... This lovely guy. He's done nothing wrong.
I was wondering if you could help me?
I'm hoping to start a herb garden.
It's a pretty little corner space...
- north, right? - These, these. On the house. Go.
Okay, so do you see? You have to see.
I can't do this. I can't actually do this.
So whatever it is or was, it's got to stop, and it's got to stop now.
Do you understand?
It's over.
Ow!
- What, what? - Thorns in my bum.
I'm sorry.
It's another customer.
Hello?
Luce?
Luce, you in the back?
Don't come in, Heck, I...
I was stock taking.
You know, counting the...
- Hey. - Hey, yourself.
What do you want, Heck?
Buy some flowers. What else?
- Flowers, of course. - Not for me, for my wife, Rachel.
Recently, she's just been a bit...
I don't know.
But you know what they say...
there's nothing quite so cheering as a well-timed bloom.
So, I thought one of your finest arrangements.
Absolutely.
- What does she like? - You know what she likes.
Lilies. She likes lilies.
- Lilies? Right, well, that's simple. - Yeah.
So, did you enjoy the football the other night?
It was an experience.
How did you find Rachel?
Fine. I mean, I wouldn't...
Fine.
I don't suppose she...
No. Well...
I was just wondering if she said anything about...
me or...
I just think I'm doing something wrong, is all.
I mean, that's what I think.
And if she said what it is...
that I'm doing, or not doing, then I can stop it.
Or start, or whatever, you see.
And then we can...
Like before.
We can get back to being like before.
- She didn't say anything. - No.
And I've embarrassed you.
And myself, which is normal, very normal.
- These are beautiful. How much do I... - No, they're on the house.
Thanks.
You should ask her, you know. Not me.
Bless you, but...
I can't ask Rachel if there's anything wrong.
I mean, that's way too scary.
Why?
What if there is?
Thanks.
Rachel!
- Rachel, wait! - Luce, please!
- Just talk to me. - What do you want me to say?
I heard him. Jesus, I'm lying there, and I heard him...
and he's blaming himself.
You can put an end to this.
- How? - Tell me to go.
Tell me that's what you want, and I will walk away...
and you will never see me again.
Is that what you want?
I want you.
Luce.
I know.
I can't...
I know.
We'll be okay.
Don't forget me.
I won't remember anything else.
Come on, Jeff, you scratch my back and I'll kiss your arse.
Okay, can you repeat that, please?
Okay, 41 flat.
Okay, well, let me just factor that into the computer and crunch some numbers.
He can't go any higher. I mean, he hasn't got it. He can't.
Yeah, the screen's flashing red at me here, Jeff.
It's not gonna cut it. In fact, the figure that I'm reading is...
Yeah, but the figure I'm reading is forty-one and a half.
That's 41.5. Any lower just can't be a go.
That's way too much. It's too much.
So let's do it, Jeff. Let's work our way up. Give me 41.1. Give me that.
We're feeling no pain there, and you know what?
If we're at 0.1, let's have some fun. Let's double down.
Yeah. Yeah, there you go.
All right, keep on coming.
Keep on coming. Give me three, three is well in. You give me that right now...
You will? Well, then go one more. Go to four.
I really, really, really don't wanna do it.
Yeah, yeah. Jeff, you know, don't take that tone with me.
You know, I'm giving you a chance here. Now, do you wanna be a big dog...
or do you wanna play on the porch with the puppies?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I feel that. Okay, last one, my friend.
Over the cliff. I'm holding your hand, I'm cupping your balls.
I'm there with you, and I'm there for you. You've gotta ask yourself, Jeffrey...
do you trust me? Do you trust me?
Congratulations. We can deal.
My boy, for that, you get a bonus as big as my knob.
Well, screw your bonus.
I wish I could. Now, where'd you wanna go for a drink?
Screw you, too, Rob.
Hecky, what is it?
It just... It makes me sick, you know. You lie. You just lie.
Well, so do you.
Not anymore.
Heck. Hecky. Hecky, come back!
- Hi. - Afternoon.
I'm looking for a breakup plant.
- A what? - A breakup plant.
Explain.
Well, I don't like my girlfriend. I wanna break up with her...
via the means of plant.
Well, it should be a breakup bouquet, and it should be hydrangeas.
They mean, "It's over, but think well of me."
Perfect. I'll take one.
- One bouquet? - One hyer-whatsit.
But that's not a lot.
Well, I don't care if she thinks well of me.
D'you know what? Piss off!
- Pardon? - Out! Get out of my shop.
She's well rid of your fat arse, anyway.
Mum?
I'll be right out.
Take your time.
Oh, sweet shit in a bucket, what's wrong with you?
Blow your nose, then explain.
I met this girl.
She's with someone else.
And does she love you?
I don't know.
No.
Yes.
But it doesn't matter.
Oh, it's all that matters.
She's with someone else. She can't...
When Dad left you, he broke your heart.
It mends again.
Look at you, you look fantastic.
I may be older than God, but I can still make an effort.
A date? Does my mother have a date?
I'm going to eat food with a man, yes.
And how do you feel?
Oh.
Well, you know, when you're holding a hot cup of coffee...
and you realize you're going to sneeze?
That's how I feel.
Come here.
Well, yippee.
Oh, shit. Heck, where have you...
Never fails.
Eight pints of water before bed, and next day, you feel no pain.
Are you well, my gorgeous darling?
- I want to talk to you. - I want to talk to you, too.
Just three more of these and I'm quite literally all ears.
I'll be waiting.
Mmm-hmm.
Very listening.
Shoot.
I wanted to talk to you because...
I have to talk to you because this thing happened.
I wasn't looking for it, it just...
It just happened, and although...
it's over...
you've a right to know.
I went crazy, Heck.
I went crazy for someone, and it wasn't you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so very sorry, so...
please believe me.
Heck?
No, no, no. Don't sleep. Wake up, Heck.
I can't say this more than once.
I'm staying.
I couldn't, wouldn't leave you.
You are my best friend.
And that was enough before. It'll be enough again, so...
Coop.
It is you, then, is it?
- Is what? I don't... - Heck doesn't know.
He said that she didn't tell who...
but I figured it out.
What did he say?
Just tell me I'm wrong, girl.
Tell me.
- You dumb slut. - Don't start, Coop.
"Don't start"?
Her husband, her flipping husband calls me in the middle of the night.
And you wanna know how he was? He was busted!
You know, just get out.
What was that thing that you said? What was that?
"Never wreck another couple."
You really stuck to that one good, didn't you?
Okay, then. Okay. Yeah.
See you. Bye.
It's wonderful. Thank you.
There's a lovely section on cooking with your children.
- Who was on the phone, honey? - Luce.
She was supposed to take me and my boyfriend to the museum...
but now we're not.
Oh.
Maybe some other time.
Not for a while. She's going on a very long holiday.
She is?
When was the last time you took me on holiday?
The summer of '94. Great Barrier Reef.
You scared all the sharks away.
She didn't mention that the other night.
No, yes, she did say something, I remember now.
Will you take us to the museum? And can Heck come, too?
Of course he can.
Do penguins have knees?
Well, this is fun, isn't it? Shame it's only once a year.
- I can't handle this. - Heck.
I can't do it, Rachel, I can't do it. I thought I could, but I can't.
Blow out the candles, darling.
- What's happening? - I'm going.
But it's, it's good cake.
Your mother got the recipe from the book before she wrapped it.
I'm not gonna leave you.
If you respect me at all, that's exactly what you will do.
Will you kindly tell me what you're talking about?
Why is Heck being sad?
It's not you leaving that's gonna kill me.
It's you loving someone more.
Sorry to interrupt you.
Those candles are dripping wax all over your mother's creation.
Will you fuck off with the fucking candles?
Yeah. Yeah.
No, you're not walking away. Don't walk away from me.
Yeah, keep saying that. Let me pretend this is my choice.
What do you mean?
Oh, come on, Rach, we both know you'd have left me in the end anyway.
- That's not true. - Yes, it is!
Yes, it is.
You know, I want you to be happy.
More than anything else, I wanted to be the cause of happiness in you.
But if I'm not, then...
I can't stand in the way.
Do you see?
Because what you're feeling now, Rachel...
is the unstoppable force.
Which means that I've got to move.
Darling...
what did Heck mean when he said you're in love with someone else?
I am in love with someone else.
Cooper. That trollop. He'd shag an open wound.
Not him.
Who, then?
Well, out with it. What's his name?
Who is the lucky chap?
Her name is Luce.
- Luce? - Yes.
Who's a woman.
As are you a woman.
That's right.
So the two of you are lesbi-friends.
It doesn't matter what you call it, it's not going to happen.
- Not after all this. - Quite bloody right.
Could I say something here?
When I first met your mother...
back in the Trojan War...
I fell for her right off the bat.
And although she loved me back, she married me...
somehow I always knew I was...
never quite up to snuff.
We muddled along, got through the years...
but I've never doubted that if she ever met anyone she really fell for...
who made her realize what true love is...
she'd leave me like a shot...
and how could I argue?
Whatever you choose to do from here...
we'll support you, we always will.
But please, my darling...
follow your heart.
- Could I borrow your car? - I'll drive you.
Nothing happens without me there.
You coming?
When we come back, we'll talk about this if you want to.
Yeah.
Do you know what I wish?
That you won't grow up so fast.
You take care, then.
You take care. I'm going to enjoy myself.
Hey. You did nothing wrong.
I did. Truth is, I'd do it again.
Why don't you have pudding after breakfast?
You have it after lunch and dinner, so why not in the morning as well?
I think it weird.
You're still sad, aren't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
I knew you would be. I bought you sweets.
Thank you. Great.
I didn't know which is your favorite, so I bought pick-and-mix.
Oh, sorry, H, sorry.
It's just...
I'm trying to do the right thing...
and now I think I should have not...
'cause...
if she'd stayed with me out of guilt, that would have been fine, wouldn't it?
I mean, wouldn't it?
My math teacher, Mrs. O'Casey...
has something she always says when people are sad.
She says, "No problem is insoluble, given a big enough plastic bag."
- What does that mean? - I don't know. She's very unusual.
I should have married you.
Maybe in 10 years.
If you're still lonely, we could get married then.
You know, it's funny.
Ever since we first met, I was scared that she was gonna leave me.
You shouldn't be afraid, Heck. You can do anything.
Hurry. Hurry, please. Take a left here.
I just think, if not Heck, there must be other fish in the sea.
Male fish.
- Is it straight on? - Yes.
Rather exciting.
And what about my grandchildren? Who'll be providing them?
I believe there's a marvelous new invention...
- somewhat akin to the turkey baster. - Just up here.
- And where did you two meet? - At my wedding.
But it's such a short time. How can you be sure?
I knew after three seconds.
I've heard of love happening that fast. The French call it Le flash.
They would, bloody perverts.
Where's Luce? Is she here?
Would you like to try that entrance again?
Hello. Please, I'm looking for Luce.
You're her, aren't you?
You're the girl.
Yes, I am.
You have a husband.
I left him.
He left me.
It doesn't matter. It's over.
So you're free?
And you love my daughter?
Golly.
Have you ever sold flowers before?
Watch it!
And what would you be wearing?
Oh, yeah, I like that.
Oh, yeah, I like that very much.
- Excuse me. - Yeah?
- Excuse me. - Do you mind? I'm talking here.
Are you sure this is the best way? 'Cause the traffic's...
I'll meet you at home, angel. And will you be waiting downstairs...
or upstairs?
You're quite wrong, you know. You've always been enough for me.
Not recently.
There are pills one can take.
I could buy some...
if you could perhaps...
be a little kinder.
Yes, I could.
Darling, try a left up here. It's generally quicker.
Well done.
Hang on.
Three cheers for my husband. As much use as a fart in a jam jar.
Well, that was the shortest honeymoon in history.
- Hello? - Luce, it's me. Listen.
- We have to talk. Everything's changed. - There's nothing to say.
You can't do it. Bye.
How did that go, then?
She'll be back. She'll be back soon, and then you can...
- It's over. - Good.
Well, you know what I mean.
That singing.
I heard that singing before.
What're you talking about?
Where?
Mind the car.
Yes, but... Oh, forget the car.
Luce!
Oh, my God.
Luce!
Luce, where are you?
This couldn't possibly get more embarrassing.
Luce!
Luce, please!
Luce!
You're a wanker, Number 9!
Luce, I can do this!
I can do this!
Let's go and talk to her. Let's go.
- Hey. - Hi.
Hey. Come here. Hi.
Hi. What're you doing?
- Can I just... - Yeah.
Thanks.
Just making some notes for this book that I'm writing.
- Oh, you're writing a book? - Yeah.
Great.
Because I can read.
Hi.
It's cold.
It's good.
It's nice.
It's cold.
How long's the flight anyway, do you know?
About 24 hours.
Plenty of time.