Previously on Desperater Housewives...
Bree's new romance got off to a lively start...
- So you're courting me. - I'm trying to.
When will you stop playing hard to get?
Maybe when you stop playing hard to want.
While Lynette's marriage hit the rocks.
I think we're the ones who need a vacation--
Just a weekend, get a chance to work through all of this.
Susan's warning...
About those cookies I made--
Don't eat them. They're poisoned.
That's her, officers.
Became an admission of guilt.
And Gaby was unaware...
That a dark presence
Had arrived on the lane.
Susan Delfino had always played by the rules.
She obeyed every label...
She performed her civic duty...
She respected all legal boundaries...
So when she was questioned
About the poisoning of Paul Young...
Please state your name and age.
Susan was more than a little upset.
My age? What does my age have to do with it?
Mrs. Delfino...
I'm 38.
Am I under oath?
- No. - 38.
I don't think you appreciate
The seriousness of the position you're in.
You could have killed someone at that school.
But I didn't poison the cookies.
Yet you knew they were poisoned.
Yes, by Felicia Tillman. I mean...
Okay, I baked them, but she added the poison.
That was your arrangement?
No! No, we didn't have an arrangement.
She was trying to murder Paul Young.
So all you did was deliver the poisoned food?
Exactly.
No, wait, uh...
No, I had no idea that anything was poisoned, ever.
Except the cookies.
Look, talk to Felicia. She hated Paul.
Yes, but you had your reasons for hating Mr. Young, too.
No, I like Paul. His wife gave me her kidney.
After you lost your kidney
in a riot which Mr. Young was responsible for.
Who told you that?
Mr. Young.
He also said he blew the whistle on your internet porn career,
Causing you to lose your job at the Oakridge school,
The same school you brought those poisoned cookies to.
Now how about you start telling me the truth?
I'm not 38.
Find anything?
Okay, thanks.
We found a glass vial and some syringes
in the dumpster behind your apartment.
They all had traces of antifreeze.
Oh, god.
Yes, Susan Delfino had always played by the rules...
But she was about to find out...
This wasn't a game.
Sometimes
It's the little things that make us feel secure,
Like an old friend at bedtime...
Money saved for a rainy day...
Or matching coffee mugs.
But there are times when these small comforts
are up against big challenges.
I'm glad we're doing this.
Me, too.
Should have done it a long time ago.
Ha. Completely agree.
We just needed to get away from everything, just the two of us--
No kids, no work, no TV...
What? No TV?
Aw, come on. It's a b&b-- bed-and-baseball.
You gonna take this seriously?
Yes.
I'm taking this very seriously.
Okay.
So what do you feel like doing? You want to go to bed, or...
Bed sounds good. I'm exhausted. Ooh...
U-u-unless you want to--
No. No.
I'm tired, too.
Let's get a good night's sleep.
We have the whole weekend ahead of us.
It's gonna be great.
Thanks for dinner. That was amazing.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
You kidding? I got to chase
Twice as many bad guys tomorrow to burn it off.
Good night, Chuck.
Good night, Bree.
That is the one part of dating that I haven't missed.
I know, the whole question of intimacy.
Will he kiss me? Will he not?
Will she be mad if I try?
Will she be mad if I don't?
Then why don't we skip all that
and lay our cards on the table?
Sounds like something that two reasonable adults might do.
I find you very... attractive.
And I think you're a knockout.
Really?
Yeah, that's why...
It's so hard...
Wow, we really are putting our cards on the table.
To wait.
Wait?
Um, just till my divorce goes through, 'cause till then,
I'm technically married, so anything we do is adultery.
You know what? I think that's very admirable.
Yeah?
Definitely. It's refreshing to find
a man whose morality isn't compromised by his libido.
Besides, sometimes waiting can be half the fun.
And just so you know what it is you're waiting for...
Now that's the part of dating I have missed.
See you tomorrow night.
How can they arrest me? I didn't do anything.
They found syringes and antifreeze at your house.
Unless you're a suicidal diabetic,
that's pretty suspicious.
But Felicia was at my house when I was making Paul's food.
Clearly, she's trying to frame me.
Any way to prove it?
The woman hacked off two of her fingers
to frame someone else.
She's a framer.
To implicate Felicia, we'd need some evidence
that she was actively trying to kill Paul.
I might be able to help you with that.
A few months ago, Felicia called me from prison,
said she needed to see me.
You never told me this.
I didn't know what it was about, so I went.
she offered me $10,000 to kill Paul.
What?
This was in the visitor's room? On the phone?
I'll see if they have any recordings.
Might take a day or two.
This is good.
How could you keep that from me?
I don't know. I... guess I was ashamed.
Why? Y-you said no.
Yeah, after I thought about it for a week.
You actually considered--
Come on, Susan. With the financial problems
we were having? And you got to remember,
there was a time I would have killed Paul for free.
2-minute warning till bath time.
Hello?
Hi, honey. How was your flight?
Yeah, hold on.
Sweetie? It's your dad calling from his business trip.
The sound you're hearing is your daughter in a cartoon coma.
Juanita!
Hi, daddy.
Okay, daddy, I love you, too.
Bring me something.
Unh-unh. Upstairs.
Okay, honey. Love you, too.
Bring me something.
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Gaby, what are you doing here?
Carlos doesn't want us seeing each other,
and I really don't think we should--
I need a gun.
Well, I guess I could spare a moment.
Why on earth do you need a gun?
Juanita swears she's been seeing
this mystery man skulking around our lawn at night,
and last night, I think I saw him, too.
Did you call the police?
And say what?
There's a guy on the lawn?
Look, Carlos is out of town, and I'll sleep better
if I have a gun in the nightstand.
Gaby, I'm not giving you a gun.
Why not? I let you borrow things all the time.
Not things that put holes in people.
Come on. Just a little one--
The kind Nancy Reagan would shoot people with.
No.
Please. I'll be really careful.
This guy's kind of freaking me out.
Gaby, if you're really serious,
I will set you up with a class at my gun range,
they'll teach you about gun safety,
you will get a permit,
and then we'll see about getting you a gun.
Great. So in the meantime,
if skulking guy breaks into my house,
I'm just gonna yell,
"Freeze! I'm taking a class!"
Hello?
Ms. Tillman?
This is detective Hank Powell of the Fairview Police Department.
Hello, officer. Is there something I can help you with?
We'd like you to come down to the station.
We need to ask you a few questions.
May I ask what this is about?
We'll explain it all when you get here.
Or if that's a problem,
we could have somebody come get you.
No. Thank you.
I'll handle my own transportation.
So there's a place in town where you can make your own candles.
Candle making?
Hopefully,
It's next to a place where we can make our own bullets.
Yeah. Does sound pretty lame.
Besides, we didn't come here to do arts and crafts.
Right. We came here to work on stuff...
talk.
So... maybe we should go back to our room and...
talk.
Hey there. Good morning.
Morning.
Good morning.
Hi. I'm Lisa.
This is my husband Andy.
Oh, hi. I'm Lynette. Nice to meet you.
You, too.
- Tom. - Nice to meet you.
- So is this your first time here? - Oh. Thank you, sweetie.
Yep, first time.
Ohh. It's our third time. We love it here.
And it's so quiet and intimate.
What could be better, right?
- Right. - You said it.
- So what are you guys up to today? - I don't know.
We'll probably just hang out. What about you guys?
We are going candle dipping.
Any chance you want to come with?
Oh, Andy, I'm sure they came up here to be alone.
I don't-- I don't know...
Sounds like it... could be fun.
Yeah. We can be alone later.
Let's go dip some candles.
You know I can't talk to you.
Think about it. Of all the people that want you dead,
you think Susan's the one to do it?
She's the only person in this neighborhood who's stuck by you.
You heard the evidence.
All the food came from your kitchen.
And you know who was helping Susan cook it?
Felicia Tillman.
What?
The same woman who offered me $10,000 to kill you.
She offered you $10,000 to kill me?
What did you say?
You're still standing here.
Believe me now?
So tell me, how do you know
that guy I saw leaving here last night?
His name is Chuck, he's a detective,
and he and I have been seeing each other.
Seeing? As in dating?
You sound surprised.
Well, I don't like spreading vicious gossip...
Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. Bree...
that guy is gay.
You say that about everyone. You said that about Tom Scavo.
I didn't say he was gay. I said if I had magic powers,
I would make him gay.
But as far as detective hottie goes,
I've seen him at my favorite gay bar.
No. I am sure it wasn't him.
I'm sure it was. I never forget a gay face.
I have what scientists call
a homo-graphic memory.
Chuck was married for 18 years.
"Was"? Interesting.
Failed marriage. Let's connect those dots.
Okay, then explain why he's the one chasing me.
He's a cop. It's a very masculine culture,
and now that he can't hide behind his wife anymore,
he needs a girlfriend,
so he's still "One of the guys."
- Let's drop it. - Okay, tell me I'm wrong.
Tell me you've had the best sex you've ever had.
You have had sex?
He said he wanted to wait.
Okay, I'm calling it.
Time of gay--11:21.
- There's just something about Italian food. - Yeah.
But I cannot believe how much I ate. It was so good.
It was awesome, and thank you both.
Yeah, you didn't have to pay for dinner...
Or lunch...
Or our candle making lessons.
It was my pleasure. What's the point
of making the big bucks if you can't spread it around?
Please, stop saying "Big bucks."
I haven't said it that much.
If I had a nickel for every time you've said "Big bucks,"
I'd have big bucks.
- It's getting late. - Yeah, we should really let you guys go.
Late? It's only 10:00.
Hey, who's up for a game of spades?
Come on, Lisa. Boys against girls.
Let's kick some butt.
- Okay. Great. - Okay. Yeah.
So it is 3:00 A.M. I am creeping down the stairs in my underwear,
holding the golf club like a machete.
I hear the noise again, coming from the kitchen.
Turns out, it's our daughter Penny,
who's waiting to get the Easter bunny's autograph.
That's cute.
What?
You always do that. I'm--I'm--I'm telling a story,
and you jump in and steal the punch line.
'cause you go on forever.
You heard a noise, you checked it out, turns out it's Penny.
Laugh, laugh, laugh.
Everybody's the same age as when the story started.
Well, my apologies, everybody.
I am sorry I am not a gifted raconteur like my wife.
What can I say, Tom?
I actually do know how to tell a story.
Yeah, like that spellbinder you told the guy
at the candle shop today
about growing winter squash? One more second,
he was ready to pour molten wax directly into his ears.
Oh, you heard that story?
I figured you were busy counting your big bucks.
Sheesh, it's midnight already.
Yeah, we better get some sleep.
We got a big day tomorrow.
Oh, yeah? What are you guys doing?
Nothing.
- Good night, you guys. - Good night.
- Good night. - Good night.
Well, I think I'm gonna turn in, too.
You coming?
Nah, I'm gonna check out some scores on the tv.
Okay.
Hello. Are you ready for our lunch date?
I tried to call you.
I got to interview a robbery witness.
- I'm really sorry. - It's not your fault,
And as luck would have it, I'm free for dinner, too.
Great. Hey. Hey, guys, say hi to Bree.
- Hi. - Hey, Bree.
See? I wasn't making her up. I'll see you tonight.
He's processing now.
He's in the holding cell. Be up in about 40, 45 minutes.
Great picture of Chuck, huh?
Yeah. Yeah. Who's, uh, that with him?
Well, that was his partner, Pete Crowley.
Oh. Are Chuck and Pete still partners?
No. Pete's not here anymore.
I hope it wasn't, uh, something tragic.
No, not tragic. Just...
weird.
Excuse me.
They were best friends and partners for nine years,
and then last year they went on a camping trip together.
When they got back, they weren't speaking,
Pete put in for a transfer,
and no one on the force knows what happened.
It's beyond obvious.
Chuck must have had a huge crush on this guy.
You think he was in love with his partner?
Please.
I'm in love with him, and I've only seen his picture.
He picks a total hottie for a partner,
then sits on his feelings for nine years, until...
the camping trip.
They're in the woods,
in a tent, alone.
Couple of beers, then bam, chuck pounces,
and his partner's all like, "Stop.
"What are you doing? Get off me."
Oh, god. It's me and Todd Mankiewicz
all over again.
This is ridiculous. Chuck is not gay,
and I am gonna prove it.
- How? - He's taking me to dinner tonight,
and I may just have to offer myself up as dessert.
Do whatever you want. Just forward me this picture.
I've got some photoshopping to do.
Our policy here is ask questions first,
shoot later.
You will know everything there is to know about a firearm
before ever actually holding one.
What's there to know? You point, you shoot,
somebody bad falls down.
Ms. Solis,
mind if I ask why it is you're taking this class?
To protect myself.
Protection. Why a gun?
Why not just get a dog?
Well, for one, if you leave a gun in the house,
it doesn't rip apart your throw pillows
then leave a gift on your hall carpet.
Could you shoot me?
What?
I'm an intruder that just broke into your home.
Could you shoot me?
Uh, sure. Why not?
Really? Where? The head? Chest?
I don't know. Why are you getting so close?
I'm an intruder. I'm here to hurt you.
Could you point the gun,
fire it, and kill me--
and then live with that the rest of your life?
No.
If any of you feel the same way, leave now.
A gun in the hands of someone who is afraid to use it
is the most dangerous weapon in the world--
Not for your intended victim...
for you.
Susan.
I wanted to thank you.
I heard that you spoke to the police and helped clear me.
I'm sorry I doubted you.
I guess I'm not used to people being kind to me.
What's goin' on?
I can't stay here.
But Felicia's gone. You're safe now.
This has nothing to do with Felicia.
It's just time for me to go.
Paul, y-you can't leave the lane.
You belong here.
No, I don't. I never have.
Well, that's not true. When I first moved here,
you and mary alice were so nice to me.
You were the reason I wanted to live here.
We had to be nice. We came here running away
from something terrible we'd done.
We spent every day
waiting for the past to catch up with us.
And it did.
Sooner or later, the past always catches up.
That was a long time ago.
You have a chance to start over now.
And you... were the only one around here
who ever thought I could start over.
I still do.
You're a good person, Paul.
I truly believe that.
I know...
And I'd just as soon leave while you still do.
Here, take these.
Move back in with your family.
As far as the rest of the rent...
it's my gift to you.
I don't know how to thank you.
Just be happy here.
We will.
You know, it's not even 10:00 yet.
Are you up for a nightcap?
Sure. I know this fabulous little spot.
Fabulous.
Actually, I was hoping we could go back
to your place.
Um, I don't--I don't think that's a good idea.
Really?
What are you afraid of?
I'm not sure I could trust myself.
Remember our agreement?
Oh, are we really sticking to that?
Look, I... I have to.
Okay.
But I still want that nightcap.
Where to?
I know just the place.
Bree, are you--are you sure you want to come in here?
'cause I think this is a gay bar.
Really? And how would you know that?
Okay, um...
There's something I need to tell you.
Hey, girlfriend! Where you been hiding yourself?
Hey, Terrence.
Wait until you hear the dish...
Steve and fat Steve broke up.
And fat Steve is now pissed Steve.
I'm--I'm--I'm sorry to hear that.
Okay, so this is what I wanted to talk to you about.
Chuck...
I already know.
My neighbor saw you here.
Oh, god.
It's okay. My son is gay.
I have lots of gay friends.
I love the gays!
I just don't date them.
Bree, I'm not gay.
Hey, Studly.
Haven't seen you in a while.
Well, here's your usual.
I'm sorry. I'm out of umbrellas.
They know me because I worked here undercover.
- Really? - Yes. Some guys here were dealing drugs,
so to blend in, I pretended to be gay.
And I was good at it.
Chuck, you don't need to lie.
I can imagine how hard it must be to be a gay cop.
Especially after what happened with your partner.
My--my partner? You mean Peter?
What do you know about that?
Well, I know you two split up
after you went on vacation together.
Were you in love with him?
I can't talk about this here.
Come on.
I did love Pete Crowley like a brother.
And I loved my wife, too.
At least I did...
until the camping trip when Pete told me
they'd been sleeping together six months.
Your partner and your wife?
Why didn't you tell me?
I'm a detective. I'm supposed to notice things.
But if your wife is the one who cheated,
why is she holding up the divorce?
Part of me thinks she's dragging it out
so I'll screw around before it's over--
so she can say I'm no better than her.
But I am better than her.
And that's why I wanna get things right this time.
So you're really not gay?
What do you think?
Fabulous.
Brandon to the service deli, please.
Brandon to the service deli.
Oh, my god!
This is why kids shouldn't play with cans.
Checkstand 1 is now open.
Checkstand 1 is now open, taking all customers.
Excuse me.
Do you have a security camera?
I'm confused--you say someone took your pocketbook,
But isn't that your pocketbook?
This is my purse.
- Men. - Sorry.
I do the same thing to my wife.
I say "Nice shirt."
She says "It's a blouse."
I say "I like your trousers." She says--
Stop!
Can you go closer?
Okay. But he's not holding a pocketbook.
Oh, my god.
Are you all right?
That's my stepfather.
You sound surprised to see him.
He's supposed to be dead.
Pretty damn good.
Got to admit, I'm surprised to see you back here.
I thought you said you couldn't kill anybody.
Got over it.
No, Tom,
Texting the office is the same as calling the office.
Come on. You know that.
Oh, god, it's them.
- But my coffee--honey-- - Leave it.
- Hey there! Top of the morning! - Oh! Hi. Yeah, good morning.
- How's it going? - Hi. Good morning.
Mwah. I hope you guys like apples,
Because we found a pick-your-own apple orchard.
Oh, you know, actually,
We're heading into town to do some antiquing.
Ooh! Sounds great. We love antiquing.
Yeah... I think we're gonna go by ourselves.
Ouch.
Are you guys blowing us off?
No.
No, it's just that we wanted to, um,
buy one of those old folding screens,
and our backseat is so small, and you--
Lisa.
Yeah, we're blowing you off.
Why?
Look, we get it. You guys can't stand to be alone.
But that's the whole reason we came here, so...
nice hanging out with you, but... see ya.
And good luck.
Wh-wh-what do you mean, "Good luck"?
You know, with...
whatever it is you're workin' through.
Man, this rain is just not gonna stop, huh?
They said it might go into tonight.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
That's what they said on the radio.
So total strangers think we're in trouble.
Do you think we're in trouble?
What do you think?
All I know is, 20 years ago, if you'd put us
in a beautiful room with a fireplace and a big bed
and it rained all day...
we wouldn't be talking about the weather.
I go--I gotta get out of this room.
I'm just--I'm starting to lose my mind.
- You wanna take a walk? - What?
Do you wanna take a walk?
It's a mess out there. It's pouring.
Well, don't snap at me, Tom. Snap at the rain.
God. It's like you're not even trying.
Me? I'm not trying?
From where I sit, you're not.
What do you call this?
What is this?
It's your engagement ring--
The crappy one I gave you a million years ago.
You changed the diamond.
I told you I'd give you a decent ring someday.
There it is.
What's the matter?
I appreciate this. I really do.
But...
I loved the ring the way it was.
Really?
'cause I seem to remember you making a joke about it
every single time you showed it to somebody.
I did?
I-I did.
But that doesn't mean I didn't love it.
Lynette, I did this to make you happy,
but I'm running out of ideas!
I can't do this anymore.
We have survived five kids,
a failed business, cancer.
Why can't we pull out of this one?
I don't know what you want.
I don't know what I want.
I just know it isn't this.
There you go.
Wakey-wakey.
Now I'm gonna take this off,
but if you start screaming for help,
I will have no choice but to plunge this
directly into your heart,
killing you instantly.
Oh, that'll kill you, too, but a lot more slowly,
giving the three of us a chance to chat.
What do you mean, "The three of us"?
Who's here?
Why, Beth, of course.
I knew she wouldn't want to miss this.
Fine. Kill me. You won't get away with it.
The police know you've been poisoning me.
But thanks to you, they think I'm miles away.
But I'm not.
I'm right here.
You know, I'm kinda gonna miss this place.
Yeah. The sound of german techno music from 3B.
Smell of corned beef and cabbage from 2C.
The fat guy-- or is it a woman?--in 5D.
Actually, I'm not gonna miss this place.
- Hey, Where's this go? - Oh, M.J.'s toys are here.
Hey, you know what would be a great idea?
If when he walks in to his old room tomorrow,
all of his favorite things are already there?
Yeah, he'd love that. I'll run 'em over right now.
No, no, no. You keep packing. I'll go.
You disappoint me, Paul.
Is this really how you wanna spend your last moments?
Sitting here shooting me dirty looks
as if I didn't already know you dislike me.
What would you prefer?
Some remorse. A little repentance.
Emotions appropriate to a man who killed an innocent woman.
Innocent? Your sister blackmailed my wife--
Drove her to suicide.
It isn't Martha's fault that Mary Alice shot herself,
Like all your wives seem to.
If you're gonna keep talking, Felicia,
would you mind upping my dose?
Just tell me you're sorry! Is it really so hard to say?
I'm not sorry.
I wasn't then, and I'm not now.
When I saw the life drain out of Martha's mean little eyes,
I knew she was getting exactly what she deserved.
So there it is.
When I watched the life drain
out of Martha's mean little eyes,
I knew she was getting exactly what she deserved.
So you have a confession.
What are they gonna do, arrest my corpse?
No.
But when the police find your body,
they'll find this.
And the world will stop thinking I was crazy all these years.
Felicia...
There's one thing I'll go to my grave sure of--
The world will never stop thinking you're crazy.
Getting scared, Paul?
This poison--
How much longer before it kills me?
Not long.
30 minutes or so.
9-1-1. State your emergency.
There's a killer loose in my house.
4353 Wisteria Lane. Send police...
And an ambulance. Hurry!
Ooh. Getting weaker.
Tell Martha...
I said hello.
Susan! Susan!
Hurry. Hurry!
Come on, come on.
Oh, Susan...
If your casseroles had been any better,
he would have had seconds.
And none of this would be happening!
No!
This has gone on long enough!
Paul!
Paul, stop.
Don't do this. Paul, let her go!
You are not like her. You are not a killer!
Thank you.
Thank you, Susan.
I knew you wouldn't hurt her. You're a good person.
Stop saying that.
Felicia's right.
I killed Martha.
The man you think I am...
I haven't been him for a long time.
But I want to be that man again.
Officers, can you take my statement?
I have a confession to make.
A sense of security--
It's something we all search for...
whether it's knowing we're desired...
taking control of our fears...
or finding the strength to do the right thing.
But the danger of a sense of security is
that it may prove...
to be false.
One clear, moonlit evening,
There was a dinner party on Wisteria Lane,
And everyone would agree that it was a night to remember.
They would remember the crisp Chardonnay...
The tangy salad...
And the savory chicken.
But the most memorable part of the evening...
wasn't the food.
In the year since she had left the lane,
Susan Delfino had missed many things...
The laughter of happy children...
The smile of the cheerful mailman...
The smell of wisteria in bloom.
But what Susan missed the most...
were her friends.
Dishes are done. Can I go now?
We just started unpacking.
Oh, come on. It's been a whole year
since I could walk outside, knock on a door,
- And hang with the girls. - Can we at least finish the kitchen?
Fine.
Susan.
Go play with your friends.
Just... be home by dinner.
Wow. I win. Ha!
You... are in great shape.
Did it ever occur to you that a mere woman could outrace you?
Did it ever occur to you that I'd rather run behind you
than in front of you?
That... is so... sweet.
Ohh. I have to take a shower.
What a coincidence. Me, too.
Really?
We're doing this?
I thought we couldn't have
- sex until your divorce was final. - Yeah, I know,
But I thought about it a lot these last 40 seconds,
And I think I'm done waiting.
Hey! Can you spare a cup of coffee for a new neighbor?
Susan! I just finished a run, but tomorrow, for sure.
I'll race you to the shower. Whoo!
Wait.
Wait? What?
I think there's a reason why god sent someone to the door
That exact moment.
I don't, and I know him a lot better than you do.
Hey, I don't wanna wait either.
- I'm just so close to getting out of my marriage. - How close?
Doreen and I meet with the lawyers tomorrow.
Now as long as she shows up in a good mood,
We could wrap it up in no time.
So our sex life is dependent on your wife's mood?
Her little boutique isn't doing so great,
And the worse business is, the crankier she gets.
Crankier she gets, the more she drags this out.
All right, then I guess we'll be showering separately.
You go first. Just don't use all the hot water.
Don't worry. I won't be using any.
So... the kids are gonna want dinner.
Should we just order pizza?
Fine.
You want me to unpack for you?
No, that's okay. Just... leave it.
What are you doing?
Never mind.
What do you mean, "Never mind"?
Why are you keeping your suitcase packed?
The--the company has an apartment near the office.
I think I should move in there for a while.
No. No. Tom--
You don't think some time apart would do us good?
Time apart? Come on. We both know what that means. It means
If you walk out that door,
- you'll never come back in. - You don't know that.
We just had a 3-hour car ride and didn't say a single word.
I do know that.
Guess who just moved back on the lane!
Oh! Oh, my gosh! That's so great!
I'm so happy for you!
I'm just right in the middle of somethin', but I--
I'm gonna call you, all right? Yay!
So what are you saying?
You're done trying to work things out.
We've been trying.
We can't give up.
We have to keep fighting for this--
Fighting to save our family.
Are we fighting to save it, or are we just fighting?
It happens. That just ha--
Lynette.
Leave the suitcase where it is.
Hey! Gaby!
Hi, neighbor. Invite me in for wine
So I can get out of unpacking.
Susan, hi. I was just about to go out. Rain check?
Hey. What are you doin'?
Thought you missed your friends.
Yeah. Still do.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just back from a run and on my way out
And kinda busy right now.
Would you believe that? I told you she was mad. She's mad.
Susan, we are so sorry.
We didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
We should have made time,
Especially after everything you've been through.
It's just... to be away so long and be totally ignored...
I was home all day. My bell never rang.
Who wants coffee?
So there's Paul, and he is struggling to get loose,
And Felicia is right on top of me,
Holding the needle just inches from my...
It's Doug, my ex. Third time this week.
I bet you anything that bimbo of his walked out,
And now he wants to hook up with me.
Will I say yes? Well.... depends.
If he really asked me nicely--
Renee, this is Susan's moment.
Well, she could have told me her story yesterday. I was home.
I'm just saying.
Susan, we wanna give you and Mike a proper welcome home,
so we are having a dinner party in your honor.
Aw. You guys don't have to go to all that trouble. Whose house?
All of ours.
It's an old-fashioned progressive dinner.
We're doing drinks and appetizers at my place...
uh, salad at mine.
And for the entry, I am making my famous roast poussins.
It's French for "baby chickens."
I'm serving cheesecake. It's American for "dessert."
Well, you guys are so sweet to do this.
I don't want to get emotional,
but just being here in my own kitchen with my best friends...
I'm just saying...
Aw. Honey.
Keep going. I'm not gonna answer it.
Uh, Renee, I was going to do a little clothes shopping later,
and I was hoping you might join me.
Oh, thank god. Are we burning your clothes
before or after we go?
I was hoping we'd try that little boutique on Lake Street,
the one Chuck's wife owns.
What? You wanna go talk to the wife?
Oh, bad idea, Bree. Very bad idea.
No, Chuck's meeting with her to work out a settlement,
and he's hoping she'll be in a good mood,
which she will be if we go to her store
and spend a bundle on clothes.
I'm buying, so it's a win-win.
You'll be helping a friend and getting a free new dress
for the dinner party.
I'm not sure these clothes are quite the thing...
for a dinner party.
Dinner? I wouldn't wear 'em to a drive-by shooting.
Just smile, okay? Doreen's watching,
and we're here to... lift up her spirits.
Oh. In that case... excuse me.
Miss? We just love your clothes.
Yes, they are... so expressive.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say so.
From the way they've been selling,
I was starting to think they were... too edgy for fairview.
Not for us. I'm gonna take these tops, and... ooh.
These beautifully ventilated jeans and...
Oh! Look at this lovely skull purse!
Hey, don't you wanna try 'em on first?
Yeah, Bree, you really should.
You two just made my day.
And you made ours!
I just love this look on me.
Thank you so much...
Uh, Bree.
You're welcome, Doreen.
How'd you know my name?
I don't.
You just said it. You called me Doreen.
Oh. Well, it was on your name tag...
or would be if you had one.
That's why we don't check out the wife.
Uh, what?
Ohh. Oh, I get it.
You and Chuck are an item, huh?
So you came to get a good look
at the woman whose husband you're screwing?
Hey, Bree here is a class act...
Not that you can tell at the moment.
For your information, Chuck has not slept with me,
- and he won't while he's still married. - Seriously?
Seriously?
Seriously.
He has high ethical standards, and so do I.
Sorry.
I guess I misjudged you.
Apology accepted, and I hope for your sake
as well as for mine that you and chuck
come to an agreement soon.
You know what? I think we just might.
Wonderful.
Arthur?
Doreen. You know that agreement I said I'd sign?
Tear it up. We can do better.
I thought you were dead.
That's the good thing about a small town.
You start a rumor a hundred miles away,
nobody checks.
Okay, so you're a liar.
Then why are you here? What do you want?
You were in Las Colinas stirring things up again.
Took me a long time to start my life over someplace else,
and I don't need another witch hunt.
Don't come near me!
Gabrielle, please. Who are you kidding?
I'm not the little girl
who doesn't know how to defend herself anymore.
What's going on here?
Trying to think of a reason not to kill you.
I know we had our problems--
I don't remember you having problems.
I remember you getting drunk on tequila
and coming into my room and putting your hand
over my mouth and raping me! I was 15.
I was a... virgin.
What do you want, Gaby?
Get on your knees.
Unh-unh.
Get down!
Gaby, don't do this.
Don't do it?
I remember saying that,
And it doesn't work.
Think of something else.
I'm... I'm sorry.
For what?
For what?!
Raping you.
Get up!
Start walking.
Never come near me again. Do you understand?
Go back to being dead.
So no because you don't wanna go,
Or no because you don't know what a progressive dinner is?
Both. I've been on the road for a week,
And I don't feel like a party, especially if that woman's
gonna be there.
Oh, "That woman." You mean Bree?
How long's this gonna go on?
As long as my mother's dead.
Well, that could be forever.
You go. I should probably get to the office
And catch up some work.
Oh, forget Bree. You don't even have to talk to her.
This is about doing something nice for Susan.
Gaby...
Why the hell do you have a gun?
Alejandro found me.
What? I thought he was dead.
No, he's alive.
What did that bastard want? Did he lay a hand on you?
Why didn't you call me?
He's gone. I took care of it.
Gaby... Did you--
I came close.
My finger was on the trigger, but I didn't do it.
I guess it was enough just to know that I could.
Wouldn't have been enough for me.
After what he did to you,
I would have shot him like a dog.
Uh... Excuse me.
Aren't you supposed to be behind the bar?
I-is this a photo of you and Doug Perry from the yankees?
Yeah. He's my ex-husband.
That is so cool!
What--what's he like?
Okay, I usually don't talk to the help,
But in your case, I'll make an exception.
Shut up.
Oh, good. The gays are here. Let the fawning begin.
Heavens to cher! You look amazing.
It's good to see you holding up so well.
What are you talking about?
Oh, your ex-husband getting remarried.
It's all over ESPN.
Which you obviously do not watch.
Oh, my god. I am so sorry.
We thought you knew.
This is what comes from watching sports.
That's why he was calling me. He's getting married.
Will you excuse me?
Uh, red or white?
Brown.
You look really pretty.
Aw. Thanks, sweetie. Is your dad dressed?
He's not back yet.
- From where? - I don't know.
He left while you were in the shower.
Hey, Penny, there was a suitcase there. Have you seen it?
Nope.
Can I try your lip gloss?
Uh, sure.
Hey, guys. How's the party?
Hi. Okay.
You might wanna stay out of the living room, though.
-It's pretty brutal. - Yeah, Judy's a little over the rainbow.
...change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay, little valentine
Stay
Each day is
Valentine's
Day
Once more from the top.
No! No, no, no, no. "My funny valentine"
Not so funny the fourth time around.
Here we go.
Okay.
Look, Doug is a dog.
He's not even worth thinking about.
Trust me, you will meet someone else.
Yeah? When? Where?
All the good ones are either married or... gay.
Aren't you sweet.
- I was talking about Bob. - Okay.
Oh. There you are.
Everyone's dying to meet you.
You mind if I have a drink first?
I just finished talking to Doreen and her lawyer.
- How'd it go? - Horribly.
We were this close to settling,
And suddenly she asked for the lake house.
- Oh? - Even her lawyer says it's too much.
But it's like somehow she knows I'm desperate to end this,
So she can ask for anything.
That's awful.
Mini cheeseburger?
Hey! Where's Tom?
Um, I don't think he can make it.
- He's got some work he has to do. - Same with Carlos.
That's the bad thing about being married to rich guys.
The good thing? We're rich.
Sorry.
You might wanna talk to Penny.
She was over watching M.J. today and she seemed a little upset.
Oh, about what?
Well, I don't know if you and Tom had a fight,
But she has it in her head that you guys are splitting up.
Oh, my god.
No, no. No "Oh, my god."
I told her not to worry.
I told her nothing was ever gonna happen to you two.
Oh, my god.
Tom left me.
It's not like I didn't see it coming.
I just didn't see it coming tonight.
Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry.
How are you even keeping it together?
Right now I'm just... thinking about making salad for 15.
I know how hard this is.
You know, but trust me, however it turns out,
You're gonna get through this because you've got your friends.
And Tom.
Look, Lynette.
It's... Tom.
Well, obviously, you don't need three people to make a salad,
so I'll head back to Renee's.
And I'll see you in a bit?
You wanna set out the forks?
Forks?
Where the hell have you been?
The recipe called for mandarin oranges.
You told me to get mandarin oranges.
Yesterday, and I went and got them myself.
Well, I didn't know that, so I guess we have extra now.
But...
I didn't see your suitcase.
It's in the closet.
People will be coming soon.
I'll get the forks.
I don't know if I've told you this,
but it's nice having you back on the lane, kid.
Aw, thanks, Karen.
You know, in the year I was gone--
Okay, okay. You're holding up the line.
Talk and serve, huh?
Where's Renee?
I don't think she's coming.
She just found out that her ex is getting married.
Doug?
Yeah, she's pretty devastated.
I don't think you'll be seeing her tonight.
Hello, everybody!
This is my date Edgar.
- The bartender? - Not just a bartender.
- Bartender/model. - Uh, print ads, mostly.
Maybe you saw me in last Sunday's "Fairview herald"?
I was "Guy checking watch."
Oh, show 'em!
All right.
Isn't he good?
It's like, he really needs to know what time it is.
Drunk off her ass and not afraid to show it.
My kind of gal.
Chuck?
About, um, those new demands your wife made...
there's something you should--
Hey, hey. You know what, Doreen? I don't care.
Take the money and the lake house.
It's worth all that and more
to finally be free of you. Good-bye!
You didn't have to do that.
I did. I couldn't let that drag on one more day.
But to give up your vacation home just so we can have sex?
That's not why I did it.
That place is full of memories of her.
Now why would I want to hold on to those when I could be making
- new memories with you? - Oh, Chuck.
Also I wanna have sex with you.
Mmm. And we will...
as soon as this dinner party is over.
How many more courses?
I guess we could skip the salad.
Good evening.
Evenin'.
It's a really funny story, how we met.
You tell it.
No. You tell it so much better.
You don't have to tell it.
We were there when you met an hour ago.
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
What are you doing with this guy?
"This guy"?
This guy is the best thing that ever happened to me.
And you better be careful,
or you might not be invited to the wedding. That's right.
I could easily see myself being the next Mrs. Renee...
I'll be right back.
You want one?
Want one? Uh, no.
Need one?
So you wanna tell me
why it took you two hours to find mandarin oranges?
What were you doing?
Leaving.
What made you come back?
I couldn't do it that way.
I kept thinking about you at the party,
people asking you where I was, and you having to make stuff up.
It wasn't right.
My biggest fear about marriage
was that someday you'd leave me.
I...
I grew up in a home where people left,
and I had to clean up after,
and I just couldn't go through that again.
And so... when I didn't see your suitcase,
I thought, well, here it is.
My worst fear--he's gone.
And then I thought, oh!
Damn!
Paige's car seat is in Tom's car,
and I'll have to get a new one.
You had just left me, and I was thinking about a car seat.
It was so weird. I kept waiting to feel...
devastated, but instead, I-I felt...
I didn't know. I...
Ugh. I couldn't put a name to it.
Then, when...
I walked in, and you were back...
I suddenly realized what I had been feeling
the whole time you were gone.
It was relief.
I... was relieved.
Hey, if you guys don't put out more croutons,
- You're gonna have a riot on your hands. - We'll be right there.
What are we gonna say to people?
Nothing.
It's Susan's night.
Yeah, and we shouldn't tell anyone until we tell the kids.
Oh, god. The kids.
Oh! I'm sure a year of celibacy was tough on you,
but as the person who benefited from it,
all I can say is...
- Oh, my god. - Thank you.
No, no, no. The chickens.
I should've taken them out of the oven 20 minutes ago.
I hope they're not...
Oh, no! The smoke alarm!
We're moving again?
Now we go to Bree's for the main course.
I don't get it. Is this supposed to be fun?
Not fun, Roy. Just free.
So shall we go?
Yeah, I guess it's that... time.
Again with the watch bit?
I don't get it. You used to love that.
Oh, people change.
Stop it.
Open a window!
Oh, no! They're ruined!
Ah, god. Can't we just scrape off the burnt parts?
There's nothing but burnt parts!
- Oh! Help me clear the smoke. - Sure.
Hello?
- They're here! - Anybody home?
Look at us! Button--button your shirt!
- I don't have any buttons. - What?
- You're the one who ripped them off. - Oh, no!
...the salad to get ready.
What the hell would've happened?
Hello, everyone.
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but, um...
my oven malfunctioned.
It's been very erratic lately, and I thought I'd fixed it.
But, uh, Chuck and I
- went to the cellar to... choose a wine... - Yeah.
And when we were done,
my... entry was smoking.
I'll bet it was.
Hey, Chuck, what happened to your shirt?
Well, as Bree's already pointed out,
it was very smoky in the kitchen.
And I couldn't find a towel to wave it away.
So I, um, I used my shirt, and...
and I waved it so...
vigorously that, um,
all--all the--all the buttons came off.
Should I offer to loan him a shirt?
Don't you dare.
Anyway, um...
We are going to go pick up some roast chickens.
Chickens.
So, uh, enjoy the wine and...
Get my shoes.
Uh, and we will be back as soon possible.
Let's go.
See ya.
What?
You really think you need another one?
Are you counting my drinks now?
I don't think I can count that high.
You knew I drank when we met.
You were the bartender!
Oh, baby. What's--what's happened to us?
We never used to fight.
Listen,
I think this has been over for a long time.
You're dumping me?
It's not you. It's...
It's me.
But it's mostly you.
Well...
Edgar and I are over.
I'm sorry.
But you'll always have the salad course.
Ugh. Who am I kidding?
This was all about Doug.
When he cheated on me with Tina,
I-I thought he was just sick of being married
and just wanted to screw around.
But now he's marrying her,
which means what he was sick of was me.
Okay, um,
either you are the most sympathetic friend of all time,
or something else is going on here.
Tell me.
Tom and I are separating.
No.
No. No, no, not you guys.
It's all right.
I think it's for the best.
Oh, absolutely.
Wait a minute. This should be about...
- More chicken? - Mnh-mnh. No.
I should run and get dessert ready.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, I have something I wanna say.
Mike and I just wanna thank you guys
for planning this wonderful dinner for us.
Renee, uh, we really enjoyed the drinks,
and you seemed to enjoy the bartender.
And, Lynette, you and Tom make a great salad,
and an even better team.
And, Bree,
for the first time ever,
you burned the main course...
which was the perfect tribute to me.
You know, um, living away from you guys
has been hard for me,
Because when friends live apart,
they sometimes grow apart, too.
But no matter how crazy or busy our lives are,
something always seems to happen to bring us back together,
and that started tonight... with this dinner.
May we have... many, many more.
Aw, damn. Almost made it.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Cheers.
Okay, now I am leaving before I lose it.
I will call you guys when it's ready.
Okay.
Hola, Gabrielle.
Oh, god!
What are you doing here?
I know you told me not to come back,
but I'm bettin' you won't be so tough
without your gun.
I told you to leave.
And I did. I go 50 miles out of town,
but I just couldn't stop thinkin' about all those things you said.
You made me sound like a monster.
- I only said what was true. - You sure?
'cause when you said that thing about being a virgin,
I almost had to laugh.
What?
Come on, Gaby.
Those short skirts you wore...
Those halter tops...
You were a little slut.
You sick bastard.
No, no, no, no, no, no. You did all the talkin' before.
Now it's my turn. Sit down.
Stay away from me.
I remember those nights in your room, baby.
Alejandro, stop.
And as far as me putting my hand over your mouth,
that was so your mother wouldn't hear
how much you were enjoying it.
He came in. He came in, and he was standing there,
And I was so scared, and I couldn't do anything.
- I couldn't. - It's okay.
I couldn't do anything. I couldn't do anything!
Okay, okay, hey, hey, hey!
Let's call the police before he wakes up.
Oh, god.
What?
There's no pulse.
He's dead. I killed him.
But it was self-defense. I mean, he had my gun.
Your gun? I put that in the safe.
No.
He had it.
He had it right here. It was...
It was here.
I just killed an unarmed man.
Gaby, I thought you were gonna call.
Yeah, it's been 15--
What... happened?
Who is that?
My stepfather.
The one who...
Is he dead?
Yeah. I killed him.
This is--this is bad. This is really bad.
The man was in your house,
And you had every reason to be scared
after what he did to you.
I never reported him. No one knows.
They're only gonna know that he was here,
and he was unarmed, and-- and Carlos killed him.
And now he's gonna go to jail because he was trying to protect me!
Calm down. We just need time to think.
We don't have time.
Everybody's coming.
Including your boyfriend, the detective.
I killed the son of a bitch who hurt my wife.
If I have to go to prison, I will.
That's not gonna happen.
Sorry, if these glasses were bigger,
I wouldn't have to keep asking.
Maybe you're not supposed to drink a lot of blue.
Oh, excuse me. Pardon me.
Hey. This was fun.
I like your friends.
Oh, I'm glad.
This strawberry sauce gets everywhere.
There are many things that bind friends together...
Sharing a laugh over an embarrassing incident...
Comforting each other in times of need...
Finding it in our hearts to forgive.
But the thing that binds friends together the most...
is a secret...
that changes...
everything.
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