Previously on "Desperate Housewives"...
I know why my mom killed herself.
Secrets were revealed.
This is getting really weird.
I think we should go to the police.
Relationships got complicated.
Mama solis. What are you doing here?
So you think she's cheating on you?
I think so. I'll take care of it.
We got a call... Something about a break-in.
I thought I'd seen a lot on the job,
but this is something else.
And the mystery...
Zach, why did you do this? I don't know.
Deepened.
Zach.
Mary Alice: Suburbia is a battleground,
an arena for all forms of domestic combat.
Husbands clash with wives,
parents cross swords with children,
but the bloodiest battles often involve women
and their mothers-in-law.
The war for control of Carlos began the night he proposed,
and Gabrielle had been losing ground to juanita ever since.
From the prenuptial agreement,
which she reluctantly signed...
To the selection of wedding music she despised...
To the color of the house paint she hadn't wanted,
Gabrielle had suffered one defeat after another.
And now that juanita suspected her daughter-in-law
of having an affair,
it had become increasingly apparent
in this war...
Mrs. Solis? I'll be at the market.
No prisoners would be taken.
Thank you, yao lin.
I don't see why you have her.
It's a big house. I need help.
It's only called help
when you do some of the work yourself.
I supervise.
You pay her $300 a week.
Mm-hmm.
That's $15,000 a year.
Carlos, you always say
how you're not putting away enough for retirement.
You know, baby, it would be a good idea
if we cut back on expenses.
You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?
Other women manage.
Ahem.
Ha ha. That's nice.
You like that?
Oh, yeah.
God, I'm going to miss this, Carlos.
Mm.
What do you mean?
Well, since...
I'm going to have to be doing the cooking
and the cleaning and all the shopping
like the other wives...
Mm-hmm.
I'm going to be exhausted at night,
just like all the other wives.
Till I build up my stamina, of course.
And that might take a couple years.
Sadly for juanita,
she had ignored the first rule of war.
Good morning, Carlos.
The maid stays.
Never underestimate your enemy.
Of the many suburban rituals,
none is quite so cherished as the neighborhood yard sale.
The shoppers come
to sift through the discarded belongings
of someone they don't really know
in hopes of finding bargains they don't really need,
each so determined to save a few pennies,
they often miss hidden treasures.
Susan: Hey, Paul.
Hi, Susan.
Got to say, I was a little surprised
to see Mary Alice's award for sale.
She got it for doing charity work
from the chamber of commerce.
Zach and I are moving.
We don't need to carry any more with us
than is absolutely necessary.
That makes sense.
Still, I just wanted to make sure
you didn't want to keep it for Zach,
something to remember his mother by.
Zach doesn't need a piece of glass
to remember his mother.
I'm out of newspaper.
Here.
Let's call it 10 bucks for everything.
Great.
Speaking of Zach, haven't seen him around lately.
He's been a bit depressed.
I thought he could use a change of scenery,
so I sent him to stay with relatives.
Oh. Which ones?
You don't know them.
So how'd you get the fat lip?
The usual way... Asking too many questions.
Ha ha.
Did you find out where Zach is?
No, but I can tell you this much...
He's not staying with relatives.
It's driving me crazy, mama.
I mean, it could be any one of these guys
she's having an affair with.
Don't worry about it.
I'm not letting her out of my sight.
Now who the hell is that?
And look at the way she's touching him.
You think that's the guy she's having the affair with?
Carlos, don't be stupid. A guy she talks to in public
isn't someone you're going to worry about.
So it's someone that shedoesn'ttalk to.
What do I have to do, beat up every guy in town?
Marriage takes work.
I'm not surprised he's playing it close to the vest.
Paul knows we're onto him.
Zach said Mary Alice killed herself
because of something that he had done,
something bad. Is there anyone else
who'd know what he was talking about?
No. That's why we have to find him.
It's the only way we'll know the truth.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Zach is such a sweet kid.
I can't imagine him doing anything that terrible.
Well, he did break into your house.
I mean, the kid's obviously troubled in some way.
Severe depression,
borderline personality disorder...
Zach is a deeply troubled young man.
I'm aware of that.
What are you giving him?
Some antidepressants and a mood stabilizer.
Good.
I'm also recommending extensive psychotherapy
to help unearth any repressed memory.
I don't think so.
Mr. Young,
I can't just medicate him indefinitely.
Forget the Freud and stick with the drugs.
No new treatments without my permission.
I think this is going to be
a great version of "little red riding hood,"
and it is your involvement that make the plays
here at barcliff academy so special.
Thank you.
Ha ha ha ha.
And now, I would like to turn over
the next part of our meeting to our parent coordinator
the amazing maisy Gibbons.
Thank you, Ms. Truesdale. Now, before everyone leaves,
we have new copies of the script up here.
Tilda and Frances and I went to the rehearsal yesterday,
and we were a little troubled by the ending.
Killing the wolf...
It sends the wrong message to our kids, and we believe
that animals should only be euthanized
as a last resort.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Do you find something amusing?
I'm sorry, I thought you were kidding.
No.
Oh, okay.
So in our version, the wolf is aggressive
because he has a Thorn in his paw,
and the woodsman will take out the Thorn
and send Mr. Wolf on his way.
I'm sorry. Aren't we doing "little red riding hood"?
Yes.
So then you are aware that the wolf is a bad guy.
He eats little red's grandma.
If you let him go, he's just going
to chow down on other defenseless old ladies.
I-I'm sorry. And you are...
I'm Lynette Scavo. My twins just joined.
They're playing oak trees.
Oh, of course. Lynette.
Uh, let's see. You are signed up
to take tickets the night of the show.
Is that right? Yeah.
Well, with all due respect,
let's leave the creative suggestions
to the mothers who've assumed the heavy lifting, shall we?
Sure.
Whatever.
I must say, I'm jealous
of how much time you two spend together.
My mother-in-law would never want
to hang out with me all day.
She sounds nice.
Danielle: Hey.
Oh, hey there, you two.
Hi, John.
Hi, Mrs. Solis.
I wasn't aware you two were friends.
Yeah. We go to the same school.
Of course you do. Mom, if you need anything,
we'll be upstairs in my room studying.
Have fun.
Doesn't it make you nervous...
A boy alone upstairs with Danielle?
Oh, no, I don't worry about John.
Both he and Danielle are in the abstinence club.
Coffee's a little hot.
Mary Alice: Susan was infuriated by Paul's evasive answers.
She was convinced he was deliberately hiding Zach
and hiding the truth.
She hoped that finding one would lead to the other.
To succeed,
Susan would have to be evasive herself.
Susan.
Well, long time no see.
Mrs. Greenberg.
Do you remember those two eggs
I let you borrow last Christmas?
I need those back.
Well, gosh, honey, I'm fresh out,
but if you want, I could run to the store.
Oh, forget about it. It's not that important.
But since I'm here, do you still have
that old hatchback sitting in your garage?
Can I borrow it tomorrow?
You want to borrow my car?
Just for a couple of hours.
Well, I'm not sure.
Do you know how to drive a stick?
Yes, I think so. I learned in college.
It's like riding a bike, right?
I'm not sure, dear.
It's no big deal.
It's just for a couple of hours.
I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year.
First off, I'm very pleased
with the work we've done in our sessions thus far.
We're making excellent progress.
Thank you. I feel really good about it.
But there are a few areas of your marriage
we haven't covered yet.
Oh, really? Like what?
Um...
I've told Dr. Goldfine in our private sessions
that I'm not happy with our sex life.
And Rex feels
that when the two of you have intercourse,
you're not as connected as you could be.
Connected?
Well, yeah.
It's like you're thinking about other things.
Is your hair getting messed up,
did you remember to buy the toothpaste?
You're just not there.
This kind of disconnect
is often a symptom of a deeper problem.
So we were talking, and the idea
of a sexual surrogate came up.
This is a licensed professional
who'd work with you as a couple
on solving whatever sexual problems you may be having.
I have an excellent referral.
Hmm. And what would this sexual surrogate person do?
Well, she would coach us.
She. She's very discreet.
You'll hardly notice she's there.
Oh.
So she would be in the room with us
while we make love?
Yes, helping us to achieve maximum sexual potential.
Hmm.
Do you have any questions?
Just one.
How much longer is your midlife crisis going to last?
Because it is really starting to tick me off.
All right, everyone's down for a nap.
We've got no more than an hour.
Let's get cracking.
5-card draw, nothing wild.
So how is it going with Mike, Susan?
It's going, finally.
We have our first official date next week.
I think he's taking me to see a play or something.
Might I suggest the barcliff academy production
of "little red riding hood"?
Oh, that's right... The twins' stage debut.
Are they having fun?
Sure, they get to play oak trees.
I'm the one that has to deal with all the drama
behind the scenes.
Oh, I take it you've met maisy Gibbons.
She's a total nightmare.
I guess I shouldn't have challenged her.
Oh, dear.
Because now no one on the play committee
even wants to talk to me.
Oh, maisy does love to rule her little kingdom.
It hasn't really changed since girl scouts.
Girls smile at you to your face,
and then behind your back, they make fun of you
'cause you're the only one not shaving her legs yet.
That would have never happened in boy scouts.
When I worked, mostly with men, I preferred the way they fought.
A guy takes his opponent on face-to-face,
and once he's won, he's top dog.
It's primitive, but it's fair.
And a lot less sneaky.
Isn't is sexist of us to generalize like this?
It's science, Gabrielle.
Sociologists have documented this stuff.
Well, who am I to argue with sociologists?
Wow, this, uh, this guacamole has got a kick.
I'm going to run to the little girls' room.
You guys go ahead.
I might be a while.
Ha ha. I hate playing 3-handed poker.
Let's take a break.
I'll play.
You play poker?
I used to play a little with my grandfather.
Pull up a chair.
Oh, I notice you're just playing for chips.
My grandfather used to say
it's always more fun to play for money.
Ha ha.
Why not? 50 cents a bet?
Make it a buck. 3-raise limit, $20 buy-in.
Aah!
Mrs. Solis. What are you doing?
Why haven't you returned any of my phone calls?
I've been busy.
Yeah, i-I've seen who you've been busy with.
Danielle? Come on. I mean, she's just a friend.
Well, before you get any friendlier,
let me remind you,
I can do things to you she can't even pronounce.
Well, a lot of good it does me, with your mother-in-law
following you around all the time.
Look, maybe we should just cool it for a while.
Oh, no, John, please don't say that.
I have everything under control.
Now give me a boost.
Hey.
So what did I miss?
Not much. Just a few friendly hands of poker
with the girls.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.
As I'm sure you have all heard,
Celia bond broke her wrist playing tennis,
which means we are now in desperate need
of someone to do the costumes.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed here.
Are there any volunteers?
I'll do it.
Really? That's a... Do you know how to sew?
Absolutely.
Well, uh, great. Thank you, Lynette.
Okay, so now that I'm going to do some heavy lifting,
I believe I have the right
to talk about the changes made to the script.
Um...
Ladies... ha ha.
We all grew up with "little red riding hood,"
and we survived it, scary stuff and all,
so I say to hell with political correctness.
Let our kids experience this classic
like it was meant to be enjoyed.
Let's kill the damn wolf,
and just put on the best show we can.
Thank you, Lynette, for that impassioned speech,
but I believe that ship has sailed.
No, it hasn't. We still have time to change the ending back.
And, you know, maisy, it is just a fairy tale.
I don't think it will upset the children.
Well, I think you're wrong.
Well, that's what so great about being in a democracy.
Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Also, everyone has a right to vote,
so all in favor of the woodsman
going medieval on the big bad wolf's ass...
Oh! Oh!
Dr. Goldfine.
Bree.
You're dining alone?
Actually, I am.
Well, what a coincidence. So am I.
Seems a shame for us to eat by ourselves.
Shall I pull up a chair?
Bree, it's nothing personal,
but I never socialize with clients.
Oh.
Oh, I get it.
I'm so sorry. Of course, it's... it's inappropriate.
It's just that after what happened yesterday,
there's so much I need to say, because...
I suppose it can wait.
No, Lynette, I'm sorry. Juanita's taking a bath.
Well, how much did she win from you?
Jeez.
Yeah, I guess she'll take a check.
Okay.
All right, bye.
What was that about?
Turns out your mother is quite the card shark.
You let her play cards. How long did she play?
Not that long. Why?
Carlos, what is it?
I never told you this,
but my mother had a serious gambling problem.
Was this before we were married?
Yeah.
It was bad.
She went into debt.
She dipped into her savings, started hocking jewelry.
Honey, it was only a small neighborhood game.
But it doesn't take much
for her to fall off the wagon.
I know she seems like a very strong woman, but...
She has a major weakness.
Honey...
Oh.
It's okay.
You were right to tell me this.
And you understand
I have to treat this as a session.
Of course. That's fine.
Shall I, um, include the meal?
Oh, no. We'll split that.
Okay.
So let's talk about yesterday.
Uh, do you think there might have been some truth
in what Rex said?
No, I don't.
Bree, you know, it's not uncommon
for people experiencing sexual repression
to distance themselves during the act.
Is that how you see me... As some sort of prude
who just lays there like a cold fish?
I love sex.
All right.
I love everything about it...
The sensations, the smells.
I especially love the feel of a man,
all that muscle and sinew
pressed against my body.
And then, when you add friction...
Mm.
The tactile sensation
of running my tongue over a man's nipple
ever so gently.
And then there's the act itself...
Two bodies becoming one
in that final eruption of pleasure.
To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex
is the scrotum.
I mean, obviously, it has its practical applications,
but I'm just not a fan.
Can I get you something?
Uh, just the check, please.
Sir, you haven't ordered yet.
Oh.
Juanita: We're not shopping?
Gabrielle: Oh, I thought we'd stop here for lunch first.
This place has the best buffet in town...
All-you-can-eat crab legs.
Oh, no.
What's wrong? Let's go.
I didn't realize how late it was.
They're only holding the suede mini for me
until 2:00. If we stay, I'll never make it.
We'll just have lunch at the mall.
Wait. Uh...
I'm really in the mood for crab legs.
Why don't you just drop me off,
and you can come back?
Well, if the mall's crowded, it might take over an hour.
It's a buffet. There's no rush.
Hi, John.
Motel, 10 minutes.
Be there.
All right, off you go. Thanks.
Ooh, Lynette.
I couldn't help but notice you forgot the coonskin
on that hunter's coonskin cap.
Oh, yeah... ha ha. That was a creative call.
Look, I'm in the middle of a costume crisis,
and if I don't take a few shortcuts,
I'll never finish.
Well, jordana geist manages to get her work done.
She runs the concessions, paints the sets,
and still has time to take care
of her three kids and a husband.
Now, we can't have the students suffer
just because you don't understand
the concept of time management.
I hardly think the kids are going to suffer
without a clump of fur on their heads.
Okay.
I'll make a creative call.
We'll cut the oak trees.
That forest is looking a little dense anyway.
My boys are the oak trees.
Are they?
Well, I wouldn't worry.
We'll find something for them to do backstage.
That's where the real action is.
I'll finish the costumes.
Well, crisis averted.
You have lost your mind.
I checked up on this silvercrest place.
It's a treatment center for troubled kids.
Who's going to notice one more?
I create the distraction, you blend in and find Zach.
How am I supposed to blend in
with a bunch of messed-up teenagers?
I don't know, Julie.
Pretend to be bulimic. Gag a little.
Come on. Work with me here.
Mom, when this is over,
we need to talk about your parenting skills.
Okay.
Fine, you don't want to help me,
I'm not going to force you.
It's not that I don't want to, it's just...
Why does this mean so much to you?
'Cause Mary Alice was a wonderful person,
and now all anybody thinks about her
is that she went off the deep end
and did this terrible, selfish thing.
And I think there's more to it than that.
She was my friend, Julie,
and I owe it to her to find out the truth.
Juanita, what's wrong?
Juanita.
I didn't go to the buffet.
I went gambling instead, and I lost.
Well, how much did you have on you?
It couldn't have been much.
I used Carlos's credit card.
Okay, well, how much did you charge?
I don't know. It stopped working.
What do you mean, it stopped working?
This thing has, like, a $15,000 credit limit.
Oh.
The man at the desk said there were no vacant rooms.
Mind if I bunk with you?
Bree, what are you doing here?
It's a little chilly out here.
Do you mind if we discuss this inside?
Come on in.
Sure is nice and toasty in here.
You look amazing.
Thanks.
I was hoping you'd notice.
Well, it certainly isn't the ritz,
but it has all the essentials.
Hmm.
I don't know what to say.
Well, then, perhaps you should say nothing.
Oh, Rex.
Yeah, take it off.
Rex.
Mm, yeah?
Baby, just, um...
Mm, I just need a minute.
What?
Sweetie, just leave it, will you?
Okay.
Just leave it.
Oh.
Okay, baby. Where were we?
I told you to leave it.
I'm sorry. I just...
Aw, come on. Are you going to make a big deal about this?
You know...
To tell you the truth...
Now is not really a good time for me.
Well, it's obvious
you've never had to remove a cheese stain.
Bree, I totally understand.
Yeah, I already tried Susan,
and Gabby can't sew to save her life.
Seriously, I'm going to be fine.
Yeah... ow. Okay. Thanks anyway. Bye-bye.
Well, I'm a little ahead with my painting.
Do you need some help?
Oh, jordana, you are a lifesaver.
Thank you.
Here, these pieces need trim.
I'll help for as long as I can,
but I have a lot on my plate tonight.
I have to make 25 mini-quiches
for my book club.
You're not human, are you?
You were sent by aliens
to make the human race feel inadequate.
Seriously, how do... How do you cram it all in?
Can you keep a secret?
Um, sure.
That's a.D.D. Medication.
Well, my kids take this... Or they almost did.
I thought it was supposed to calm you down.
Mnh-mnh. Has the opposite effect
if you don't have attention-deficit disorder.
Ever chug a pot of Turkish coffee?
Seriously... y-you're taking your kids' medication?
Once in a while. Do you want a couple?
Oh, that's very kind of you,
but I just smoked some crack a little while ago,
so they better not mix.
Ha ha ha ha.
This is what we'll do...
I'll sell some old jewelry, pay off the credit card,
and Carlos will never find out.
You would do that for me?
Of course I would. Why wouldn't I?
Well, for starters, you hate me.
Oh, that is overstating it...
A little.
The bottom line is,
no matter how much I dislike you,
I love Carlos more.
If Carlos finds out about the money,
he'll be devastated.
I don't want to see him hurt.
You don't have to believe I'm a good person,
but at least believe I care about my husband.
Fine. To heck with it.
I'm not going to risk my neck to protect you.
I'm calling Carlos.
Mary Alice: Juanita might have been
the gambler of the family...
Wait. I believe you.
But Gabrielle was the one who knew how to bluff.
Hi, I'm Susan Mayer.
I have an appointment to see Dr. Sicker.
Yes, yes. He's expecting you. Let me get him for you.
Hi. I'm Dr. Sicker.
Susan Mayer.
So you're here doing research
for a children's book. I sure am.
Zach?
Oh. Hi, Julie.
What's wrong with you?
Just all these pills they make me take.
They kind of make me sleepy.
What are you doing here?
I came to see how you were and to ask you something.
Look, I don't have much time.
What is it?
Last week, you told Mrs. Van De Kamp
that your mom killed herself because of something you did,
something bad.
What were you talking about?
After my mom died, I started remembering
things that happened when I was little.
What happened to Dana.
Dana? Who's Dana?
What are you doing here?
I was just visiting my friend.
This patient is not allowed visitors.
I guess I have to go.
I am so sorry, Zach.
Hi.
I don't want to disturb you. I've just, uh...
Left some important papers here.
What are you doing?
I'm repairing a chipped mug.
Why don't you just buy a new one?
Because I think it's better to fix what you already have.
Listen, um...
About what happened today...
You humiliated me, Rex, for no good reason.
I'm sorry.
I was there, I was willing.
Normal men don't say no to that.
You... you upset me.
See, but I don't think that's the reason.
After I left the motel,
I, um, did some thinking about us
and our sex life,
and I realized therehasbeen a disconnect,
but it's coming from you.
That's ridiculous.
How many years have we been making love
when you've started to ask me something,
but then you stop?
I-I don't know what you're talking about.
You are unhappy with our sex life
because you're not getting something from me,
but you're simply too afraid to ask.
My... my problem with our sex life
is that you can't stop thinking about the housework.
Well, if that's the case,
then take me right here, right now.
The house is spotless,
there are no burritos lying around to pull my focus.
I'm not in the mood.
Why not?
We haven't had sex for months, Rex.
Most normal, red-blooded men
would be climbing the walls by now.
Please don't do this.
Rex, whatever you want, I'll go there with you.
I will go there with you.
You just have to say it out loud.
Tell me. What do you want? What do you need?
I need for you to stop talking like this. Why?
Because you sound like a whore.
No, I don't. I sound like a woman
whose husband won't touch her.
Rex,
after Mary Alice killed herself,
it... it all hit me.
We all have our secrets,
and I think it's time for you to tell me yours.
I'm going.
Mary Alice: That night,
while most of Wisteria Lane dreamt the night away,
Lynette was in the middle of her own personal nightmare.
Determined her boys would not miss their fairy tale debut,
Lynette had stayed up 18 hours straight sewing.
But she began to fear her story would not have a happy ending.
Ha ha ha.
Luckily for Lynette, she had a magic potion handy.
And once she had taken it...
The magic kept working...
And working...
And working.
It wasn't until noon that Lynette finally took a break,
and the reality of what she had done
began to sink in.
My, what big eyes you have.
Mama juanita, I'm going to the store.
Do you need anything?
I'm fine, thank you.
So what's been going on with her?
Have you found anything out yet?
Actually, Carlos, the more I watch her,
the more I think
she's probably not stepping out on you.
Really?
Yeah. She's not perfect, lord knows,
but she loves you.
I can tell.
Ha ha.
Mama.
Oh, you don't know what a relief it is to hear that.
Ha ha.
Well, you know, it's funny.
I really think she loves you, too.
Oh?
I got concerned when I heard
you played poker with her friends,
so I told her about your little problem.
You told her about my gambling problem.
Don't be mad, mama.
I just didn't want you slipping into old habits.
And Gabrielle was very concerned about you.
She knew.
I don't get it.
I've gone through all your yearbooks,
and you and Zach never went to school
with anybody named Dana.
He didn't say it was somebody we went to school with.
Well, did it sound like a relative?
He said Dana. It sounded like Dana.
Unless he was using a code, that's all I got.
Okay, give me a break here.
I'm just grasping at straws.
I'm sorry. It's... I'm worried about Zach.
It's just really creepy in there.
Can't we get him out?
Honey, it's up to his father.
Then I at least want to visit again.
I don't think that's a good idea, either.
Why?
I just have a feeling.
Juanita was now more convinced than ever
that her treacherous daughter-in-law
was having an affair,
but the question remained,
with whom?
And suddenly...
Juanita remembered
it wasn't the men Gabrielle talked to
that she had to worry about.
Jordana, maisy.
Here are the costumes, right on time.
Thank you, Lynette.
This is a bit awkward.
There has been an oversight with the programs.
Celia bond is still credited with costumes.
They forgot to tell the printer.
Uh-huh.
Uh...
Incidentally, who is "they,"
as in "they forgot to tell the printer"?
That would be me.
I'm sorry,
but I was just so overworked this week,
what with all the script changes that you demanded.
Uh-huh. Well, these things happen.
Oh. Thanks. Be right back.
Would you do something with this?
It looks like roadkill.
Okay, lady, that's it.
I beg your pardon?
Maisy, we have kids the same age,
which means there areyearsahead
of us having to deal with each other,
so instead of playing all these petty games,
why don't we put an end to this right now?
Ha ha. What are you saying?
Let's take it outside.
Let's take what outside?
Your sorry ass. We're throwing down.
You are crazy.
Just being practical. Isn't it better
to settle this once and for all,
rather than endure all this Alpha mom crap
until our kids graduate, hmm?
Come on. I'll even let you take the first shot.
I don't have time for this.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
And just so you know, next spring,
when we do "Bambi,"
his mother's going to take a slug to the heart,
and you're going to like it!
The search for power begins when we're quite young.
As children, we're taught that the power of good
triumphs over the power of evil.
But as we get older,
we realize that nothing is ever that simple.
Traces of evil always remain.