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Previously on "Desperate Housewives... "
That woman is a gold digger.
There was a shocking announcement.
Proposal?
She's the one. I know it.
The other night was a mistake.
A surprising move.
And Mr. Logan?
A dangerous disclosure.
I'll tell you where she lives when I get my a thousand dollars.
A stunning discovery.
- What are you doing with a picture of Rex? - He was my father.
And a welcoming embrace.
You should never trust family photos.
They are designed to be misleading.
A mother's bright smile may hide a lifetime of disappointment
a son's sweet expression could conceal boundless rage.
A daughter's sedate pose might obscure years of UN-lady like behavior.
And as for that father with the air of dignity, there's always the chance...
He has another family elsewhere.
I... I don't know what to say.
Well, I'm not surprised.
It's a shocking bit of news, to say the least.
So you're my brother?
Half-brother, to be precise.
I can't believe this.
Andrew, you have every right to be upset.
Your father should have told us about this years ago.
But please don't be angry with Sam. It's not his fault.
I'm fine. I just, uh, need to be by myself for a while.
Of course. We understand.
If you don't mind, I'll hug you later.
Take your time.
Well, he certainly handled that better than I expected.
When the shock wears off,
I think we'll end up good friends.
And wait till you meet Danielle.
Her flight comes in tomorrow,
and I just know the two of you are really gonna hit it off.
Don't you agree, Orson?
Uh, yes, I'm sure.
Sam, would you mind locking up the test kitchen?
Happy to.
Again, thank you for everything.
So when did you speak to Danielle?
Oh, an hour ago, and she was just as stunned as Andrew,
but when I said I was gonna have a little dinner for Sam,
she was determined to be here.
Well, you've certainly wasted no time
welcoming Sam to the family.
Why not? That skeleton's been kept in the closet long enough.
No, I understand. And I agree that Andrew and Danielle
should try to make a connection to Sam.
He's their blood relative.
I'm just not sure why you're so excited by it.
Excited?
I'm ashamed.
Ashamed?
Rex kept that boy in the shadows for years.
I can't look at Sam without feeling overwhelming guilt.
- But you have nothing to feel guilty for. - It doesn't matter.
Rex is gone, and someone needs to make it up to him.
He is a Van De Kamp, and I am gonna see to it that he is treated like one.
Yes, be careful when looking at family photos...
like certain members of the family,
they are not to be trusted.
Every year, Oakridge private school held a fund-raising drive.
Students were asked to sell $3 bars of chocolate.
Whoever sold the most would receive a prize.
Of course, for someone to win, someone else had to lose.
Hey, M.J., have you gone in and gotten your candy yet?
No.
Well, you better hurry up, 'cause I already saw some kids selling candy outside.
- It doesn't matter. - Why not?
'Cause I'm not gonna win.
I never win anything.
You promised him he'd win?
He was about to cry. What was I supposed to say?
How about, "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again"?
He tries all the time. He never wins anything.
He's horrible at sports. He's lousy at card games.
Let us not forget his humiliation at that spelling bee.
Why did he think "kayak" had a "q" in it?
My point is that I want him to feel good about himself.
Every child should win something at least once.
See, you win everything.
I know what it's like to lose.
Dear God, not the jump rope competition.
It was sixth grade, and there was a jump rope competition.
It was down to me and Barbara Briscoe.
She had asthma, and it was dandelion season,
and her eyes were swollen, and she was jumping blind,
until... her mom...
gave her an antihistamine shot...
which is technically a steroid...
and she was juiced!
So are you gonna be supportive or not?
Yes, I will,
if you promise
to never tell that story again.
Was good?
Oh, if I had any government secrets, they'd be yours.
Irina? I'm sorry. I need to get the laundry.
Hold one second.
I am yet to get decent.
Come in. Thanks.
Huh. I thought I made that bed this morning.
Um, I, um, take nap.
Feel much better.
Yeah.
I'll bet you do.
Well...
I will see you downstairs.
Man, that was close!
Aw, crap.
Your father and I told you
no sleeping together in this house,
and here you are, openly defying us.
Well, not openly. We were hoping to get away with it.
That is not funny. Your 11-year-old sister is in the next room.
I don't want you setting that kind of example.
Dude, look out. Mom's back from the store.
Oh. Uh, this is what I was looking for.
I better get dressed.
Preston! Preston, get back here!
I don't want a repeat of this, Irina.
Do you understand?
Why don't you just speak truth?
I mean, if Preston was seeing another girl,
you would not much care.
You just don't like me.
That... is not true.
I'm still getting to know you,
and I am sure that over time,
I will come to think of you as a valued member of our...
Oh, here's what I was looking for.
Well, you were right.
That was more refreshing than taking a nap.
Mm, I told you.
- Uh, honey? - Yeah?
Don't dress in front of the window.
I'm afraid of what your body could to do Roy's heart.
Whoops.
So, uh, did you ever call him back?
Yeah, this morning. Mrs. McCluskey had her surgery,
and apparently, she's cancer-free,
so Roy's throwing a party to celebrate.
Oh, that's so sweet. I hope you told him we'll be there.
Can we talk about that?
I told him we'd go, but I don't think we should go...
together.
Hmm. What do you mean?
Well, it's just... except for Susan,
people don't really know what's going on with us.
Hey, you know what's funny?
Neither do I.
So... what is going on between us?
I mean, are we friends with benefits?
Are we just dating? What?
Do we have to put a label on it?
No, I just...
I just want to know how you're feeling.
I really like you.
That's how I feel.
Can't that be enough for now?
It could be, but it could also be pretty wonderful
to let people know how happy we make each other.
I... don't know.
Hey.
I was right about the nap.
Hello, ladies! Hide the booze.
We have a guest. Hey, Juanita.
Okay, hit it.
Hi. My name is Juanita Solis, and I'm in the third grade.
You're losing 'em. Get to the pitch.
"Won't you support me?
I am selling candy so I can stay in school
and not end up on the street selling drugs."
I'll take it from here. It's a fund-raiser.
3 bucks a bar. Whip out your wallets.
Well, I'd hate to see Juanita on crack, so I'll buy one.
- Me, too. Do you have caramel? - One lousy bar?
Ladies, it's a contest. Juanita plans to win.
Come on. Need I remind you of all the crap I've bought
from your kids over the years? And I do mean crap,
not like this quality processed sugar I am peddling today.
Juanita, M.J. is playing in the other room.
Why don't you go join him?
Here's the thing... um, before you got here,
Bree and Lynette agreed to buy eight bars from M.J.
It's okay. They can buy from Juanita, too.
Well, it's a little more complicated than that.
See, um, M.J. Is having a bit of a self-esteem crisis lately,
and, uh, he feels like he's on a losing streak,
so I really, really need him to win this one.
You understand, right?
Of course.
- Thank you. - I understand. I just don't care.
Excuse me?
Juanita's having a crisis of her own.
She's new to Oakridge, and she's having trouble making new friends.
As you know, the winner gets a big party,
and they can invite whoever they want,
which could go a long way in helping her fit in.
You understand, right?
Sure. Of course.
It's just, he's never won anything before.
She has no friends.
So... what are we doing?
Well, it seems to me if we buy the same amount
from both of you, it'll just be a wash, right?
So really, we don't need to buy any at all.
Get out your wallet.
I was so shocked to hear you had lung cancer.
I didn't even know you smoked.
I didn't. That's the thing.
People think you have to be a smoker to get it,
but you don't. A girl your age was
having the same surgery I had, never smoked a day in her life.
You could be that girl, Gaby.
Let's get a drink, you know, since we're dying anyway.
Now remember, we're not a couple.
- I know. We're on a covert lesbian mission. - I'm sorry.
I just want people not to figure out we're together.
It'll blow their minds.
Oh, please. You stabbed yourself and blamed Mike,
and this will blow their minds?
- Hey, ladies. - Hi, Tom. Having fun?
Best cancer party ever.
Listen, um, I was talking to Karen's doctor.
Uh, you made quite the impression on him.
- Me? - Yeah. He begged me to introduce you.
D... d... do you mind?
Why would I?
We're only roommates.
And here's your change. Enjoy.
Hey! Willy Wonka!
Selling candy at an "I survived cancer" party?
Tacky.
Chocolate is filled with antioxidants,
which, as we all know, fight disease.
So you could say that I just saved a life.
Yeah, right. The competition is between the kids.
They're supposed to be doing the selling, not the parents.
Gaby, Speedo season is a month away,
and you have the nerve to sell this to my husband?
He was a doctor. She was a surgeon.
Oh. Yeah.
I always knew I'd go to med school,
you know, that incredible feeling of helping people.
Plus, they give you that little pad,
and you can write any prescription you want.
Beautiful and laughs at my jokes.
Two more cocktails, and I may be proposing.
Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
- Uh, can I talk to you for a minute? - Will you excuse me, David?
And she never smoked a day in her life.
You could be that girl, Lee.
Look, it's one thing to hide our relationship.
- It's another to flirt with a man right in my face. - I wasn't flirting.
He was flirting with me.
- I saw your face. You were enjoying it. - Okay.
Hey, listen up, everyone.
I... I just want to thank you all for coming
and to say to Karen, thank God you're all right, baby.
Thanks, everybody.
And I also want to thank the big guy upstairs.
Now if we could all take a moment
to remember the people who weren't as lucky as I was.
Make up your mind, Katherine. Are you gay or straight?
I don't know! Just because I enjoy having sex with you
doesn't make me a lesbian!
Look at this.
I wonder what Rex would say if he saw us here all together.
Probably "who's the guy in the wheelchair?"
So, Sam, mom tells me you got some fancy degree?
His M.B.A., which he earned while working two jobs
- and nursing his sick mother. - I just did what I had to do.
Don't be so modest. He also spent a summer in Micronesia,
- helping to dig wells. - It was challenging, but I really
- wanted to work with the poor. - Sounds like my first job.
- You worked in the food court at the mall. - The outlet mall.
Trust me. I know what it's like to work with poor people.
They're always late.
Rex and I always hoped the children would take
an interest in working with those less fortunate, but...
we saw an opportunity to disappoint them once again,
and we grabbed it.
So...
My father was interested in charity work.
- What else? - Oh, so many things...
travel, history, the arts.
Oh, he especially loved music.
Really? Me, too. I play the guitar.
You do? Stay right there.
That was lovely.
- I'm really rusty. - Yeah, I could hear that.
This is pretty cool.
I'm actually playing my dad's guitar.
It's just been sitting in that closet for years, gathering dust.
In fact, why don't you keep it?
- What? - What?
Why not? You should have something to remember your father by.
Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What if I want it?
What if Danielle wants it?
- I don't want it. - Don't you have a flight to catch?
Andrew, you've never shown any interest in that thing.
It's my dad's guitar. I'm plenty interested.
- But you don't even play. - I do so.
I took lessons, okay?
Well, by all means...
We'd love to hear.
Jingle bells
jingle bell...
jingle
all the...
Way
oh, what fun...
What fun indeed. Now would you please give Sam the guitar?
No.
If Andrew wants it that badly...
he doesn't care about the guitar. He's just being unreasonable.
You're giving out my dad's stuff to a total stranger,
and I... I'm unreasonable?
Sam is a member of this family. Now give him the guitar.
Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we split it?
I must apologize.
My presence here is clearly causing unhappiness.
- I think I should go. - No need to apologize.
You have behaved with the utmost dignity
in the face of unthinkable rudeness.
Thank you.
Yeah, I know.
He's the perfect son.
Problem is, he's not yours.
So... we talking yet?
Jeez, Ange! What the hell?
I'm getting bored of the silent treatment,
so you might as well shoot me.
- You had no right to tell her. - I know my mom, Nick.
There was no other way she was letting go of Danny.
So are we over this? Because if not, I would really
- prefer a bullet in my head. - It used to be just you,
me and Patrick knew.
Now your mom. What if he finds out?
- She is not gonna tell him. - Ange, I love that boy.
I was the one in the delivery room.
I was the first one to hold him, even before you.
I know. I cannot let him find out from somebody else.
I have got to tell him.
No. You are his father.
You gave up your life to protect him.
You're the only father he needs to know about.
Yeah, maybe you're right. It's...
Now please get this the hell out of here, huh,
before someone gets hurt?
I mean, I didn't think you'd do it, but I'm not stupid.
- Hello? - It's Patrick Logan. Just got into town.
I was hoping to drop by, you know, for the information?
How about tomorrow night?
See you then.
Oh, and I've got a case of selective Alzheimer's,
so don't forget the cash.
Hey, Tina. It's Susan Bremer.
I know. It's been a long time, not since graduation.
So, listen, do you remember the night
that you got caught streaking,
and I had to bail you out of jail,
and you said you owed me one?
Well, I hope you like chocolate.
Is that Mrs. Solis?
Tina, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Oh, my God.
Is she selling candy?
Among other things.
I'm gonna lose this contest, aren't I?
No. You're gonna win,
'cause mommy's done playing fair.
Uh, Irina and I were talking,
and we feel really bad about yesterday.
Look, uh, we don't wanna come down too hard on you guys.
We're just not comfortable
having a couple of unmarried kids
sleeping together in our house. You understand.
Oh, yes. That is why Preston must tell you something now.
Irina and I have decided to get our own apartment.
- What? - That way it'll be our place,
and we can do whatever we want.
No. No, no, no.
We're getting married in six months anyway. Why not?
Why not?
Lynette, you wanna take this one?
I think it's a terrific idea.
They're not kids anymore.
They're old enough to make this decision.
Thank you, Lynette. It's good to know we have your support.
- See you later. - Okay.
Have fun.
What are you doing? We're... we're supposed to pull 'em apart,
not push 'em together.
Do you remember that apartment we moved into
when we were saving for this house?
That dump? Yeah. It was the size of a closet.
Uh-huh. You remember how we treated each other?
I remember a lot of yelling and throwing stuff.
God, there were a few times I was afraid that we were gonna...
Break up?
- Lynette? - Mm-hmm.
You are devious and evil, and I have never been more in love with you!
Susan Delfino, you are so busted!
Gaby, what are you doing here?
Alice Gibson told me what you were up to,
but I couldn't believe you would sink so low.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay, folks. Uh, we're on a break.
Somebody's gotta take their meds.
No, not yet! Not yet!
Will you stop at nothing to win this competition?
Oh, that's funny, coming from you.
Me? I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Well, let me jog your memory...
construction site, cold wind, no bra.
Oh, you saw that.
Oh, yeah. Did I not tell you how important this was to M.J.?
Yes, and I told you about Juanita.
But apparently, your son's problems are more important than anybody else's.
That is not what I'm saying.
Whatever. We are done here.
Oh. And just so you know, I am taking the gloves off.
Well, why not? You've taken off everything else.
Candy for sale!
Help a young boy walk again.
Hi, Katherine.
I haven't seen you since the party. How you doing?
Still humiliated. Thanks for asking.
Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad.
My sex life was laid bare for the entire neighborhood.
What could be worse?
Let's see. You could have thrown a party to celebrate getting over cancer
and had a couple of lesbians steal your thunder.
Sorry about that.
But it's not funny, knowing everyone is out there judging me.
Let me ask you somethin'.
Do you really like this girl?
I don't know.
I think I might.
Then why do you give a damn what anyone else thinks?
People just stopped seeing me as the crazy lady on the street.
I'm not ready for them to start seeing me
as the middle-aged lesbian, okay?
Well, if you care that much about what people think,
you've got two choices...
dump the girl or move someplace where people don't gossip,
if such a place exists.
It's not much of a choice.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
Oh. I get it.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Break it up.
This is how rumors get started.
Mmm! What smells so good?
- That's borscht. - Borscht!
Irina is making dinner.
You kids have been so busy looking for your apartment,
we've hardly seen you the last couple of days.
Yeah. You find something you like?
Put down a deposit on a place yesterday.
Well, ha ha!
Don't be freaked out about the size.
You two will have so much fun...
That you won't even notice how small it is.
It's not small. Three bedrooms and a balcony.
How are you going to afford a 3-bedroom apartment while you're going to college?
You tell them. I serve borscht.
Tell us what?
Well, you're right.
We can't afford anything nice on our budget,
so I'm gonna put off college and get a job.
Say... something!
Are you sure you thought this thing through?
Because, you know, you need to have a college education to get a good job.
I already got a good job.
- You did? Where? - The meatpacking plant. I'm a gutter.
A gutter?
Well, I'm the guy who scoops
- out all the... - Yeah, yeah! I know what it is.
Well, did you know I get paid 14 bucks an hour, plus benefits?
Seriously? What, is it a union job?
Those jobs are hard to get.
You'll probably get a discount on steaks,too.
Your son just announced that he's giving up college
so he can be the guy in charge of guts,
and all you can say is, "oh, boy, free meat"?
This is good job. The money is a lot. What is problem?
Maybe in Russia, it's every mother's dream
for her son to see what the inside of a cow looks like,
- but not in my home! - Lynette, calm down.
You could be a doctor! You could be a lawyer!
- Why are you so intent on throwing your life away? - Mom...
He is going to support his wife.
That is what men do for women they love.
He's not in love!
He's blinded by a piece of self-serving euro trash
who would sell her own mother for a pair of designer jeans!
Thanks.
- What's with the bike? - Eddie thinks he can get me
a couple of shifts down at the coffee shop.
And since you guys are too cheap to buy me a car...
Your first job.
Hey, look at you.
What happened to my little boy?
I grew up. That's kinda the way it works.
No, I know. I know. It's just...
God.
You never think it's gonna go as fast as it does.
You... you're so busy just getting through the day.
You don't realize they're, uh, starting to add up.
What's wrong?
- What? What do you mean? - Mm, you got that look
that says... "I got somethin' to tell you, and it ain't gonna be pretty."
Yeah, well, you know me, right?
Of course I do. You're my dad.
So what's up?
You're right. I am your dad.
Huh?
No. Forget about it.
Work on your bike.
Congrats on the job.
Who is it?
Patrick Logan.
Hope you like roses.
I'm sorry I couldn't get an address or anything.
You got me everything I needed. Good.
So... then I guess...
Of course.
I know you... been looking for Angie for a long time,
but, uh, there's not gonna be any trouble, right?
Trouble?
Well, you're not gonna, like, hurt her or anything?
She took something of mine. I want it back.
Okay.
I... it's just... I like Rose,
and I don't ever want to hear
that something bad's happened to her kid.
You should get that money to the bank.
This place doesn't seem very safe to me.
What are you talking about? Look at all those locks.
But what if someone were to come up this fire escape?
Oh, that window's always locked.
You think that's gonna stop them?
What are you doing?!
Then they reach through, unlock the window...
And now you're in trouble.
May I speak to you?
How will this conversation end? With beef stroganoff on my head?
I am sorry.
Please to forgive.
I want us to be friends.
Really?
Think how hard it is for Preston,
caught in the middle between our fighting,
when he wants us to love each other only.
Yes?
I don't want to put Preston in the middle,
but I am his mother, and I will fight for his best interests till the day I die.
You mean you will fight me.
Yeah. You understand English just fine.
Now you should understand.
I told Preston I want to move up wedding to next week,
and he said yes.
Next week? The wedding is not for another six months.
We cannot wait that long.
It is too hard for Preston to choose between a mother and a girlfriend,
so once I am his wife, choice will be much easier.
No. No, you can't do this.
You met each other six weeks ago.
Preston barely knows you.
But you do, yes?
You think you know all about me,
and in much less time than that.
There.
From one Mrs. Scavo to another.
I found some of your father's old yearbooks up in the attic.
I thought you might enjoy looking at them.
He played football?
Yes, and he was student body president.
So what else can you tell me about him?
Even my mom didn't really know him that well.
He was, um,
incredibly smart,
funny...
And so graceful.
What's wrong?
I just never get to talk about Rex anymore.
Since I remarried, it just doesn't seem appropriate.
I hadn't realized...
How much I miss him.
Well, you can talk to me about him anytime you want.
You have his smile.
What are you doing out here?
Uh, mostly kicking myself.
I can't believe how I acted at dinner.
Well, it was a fraught situation.
There was bound to be some sort of scene.
Look, I... I know he's my brother,
and I know I should try to like him,
but there's...
there's something about him I just don't trust.
- Hmm. I know what you mean. - You do?
He's trying awfully hard to get close to Bree.
I, for one, would like to know why.
You think he has an agenda?
We all have agendas, Andrew.
Mine is to protect your mother.
And what do we really know about Sam?
Just the stuff he tells us.
It seems a bit too good to be true, doesn't it?
Maybe... my agenda should be to find out everything I can.
Why shouldn't you? He's your brother.
Hey, Jean. Quick question.
How is M.J. doing?
You know, I'd like to see a little more effort in math.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not in class. I mean the candy drive. Today's the last day.
Oh, Susan, you should be so proud.
- He is a selling machine, way out ahead of the whole school... - Yes!
Except for Juanita Solis.
- No. - But don't worry. She is just two bars ahead.
You better get him out there.
Gaby Solis told me she's taking Juanita to sell
outside a weight loss clinic. Ka-Ching!
Mrs. Delfino, can I go now?
- My mom wants to pick me up a couple minutes early. - Does she?
Sure, sweetheart.
Why don't you just help Vanessa put her brushes away first?
What is that?
Did someone bring a cell phone into my classroom?
Juanita Solis. Is this your cell phone?
No.
Oh, come on now. It was in your bag.
Whose else could it be?
Yours. My mom gave it to you for your birthday.
So are you saying that... that you stole it?
- No. - Now you're yelling at me.
Someone just bought herself three hours of detention.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Principal Hobson. Everything okay?
Detention?
No, no, no, no. We only have a few hours left to sell candy.
Who gave her detention?
She did, huh?
Thanks for letting me know.
Hi, M.J.
You must be getting thirsty, walking around in this heat.
Doesn't a nice, big, ice-cold cup of soda sound good?
- Hello? - I have something that belongs to you.
Check your cell phone.
M.J.
He's supposed to be out selling.
He was. Then you gave my daughter detention.
Bad move.
All right, what do you want?
Let her go, and I let him go.
- I don't trust you. - I don't blame you.
Bring him here.
We'll make the exchange.
Fine. But I'm warning you,
if there is one chocolate bar missing from that girl's box,
you'll answer to me.
Your mom will be here soon. Don't worry.
You'll be out selling your candy in no time.
I hope so.
I gotta win.
You know, Juanita, there are other kids that want to win, too.
I know.
I just want my mom to be proud of me.
Your mom is proud of you.
Sometimes I think she's embarrassed because I don't have any friends.
Every day I come home, and she asks, "did you make any friends today?"
Oh, she just wants to make sure that you're happy, sweetie.
That's all.
I guess.
I just wish I could make friends as easy as she does.
I try and I try, but I just can't.
Hello. We would have gotten here sooner,
but your son can't hold his soda.
Juanita, come on. We got candy to sell.
Mom, we gotta go, too. Otherwise, Juanita's gonna beat me.
Sweetie, um...
I know you want to win,
but let's talk about what winning really means.
I've rehearsed this speech a hundred times.
Well, I think I know how it ends.
I can't live my life with everyone in the neighborhood
watching me and judging me.
I care too much about what people think.
So you want me to leave?
Yeah.
But if you wouldn't mind...
I'd like to go with you.
Seriously?
I want to figure out what we have here, and once I know...
Maybe I won't care what anyone thinks.
Well, you know what I think?
What?
I've always wanted to see Paris.
And the winner of this year's candy drive is...
Juanita Solis!
Whoo-hoo! We did it!
You did it.
Okay, now go invite your brand-new friends to your party.
Mrs. Henderson?
Tell me. Was it close?
Really close, until the last day,
when Juanita sold 40 bars, and M.J. didn't sell any.
Really?
That's weird.
M.J.
I'm sorry you didn't win.
That's okay.
I'm curious about something.
How come you didn't sell any candy yesterday?
My mom says it's a secret.
She says it's only a good deed if we don't tell.
Well, you should listen to your mother...
Because she is a winner, just like you.
There are a lot of ways to win in this world.
Some battles are won with a hasty retreat.
Some victories are claimed...
by those willing to cheat.
Some opponents are defeated...
with nothing more than a smile.
Of course, for some,
it's not enough to win.
Someone else...
has got to lose.
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