1
00:00:00,467 --> 00:00:03,135
♪♪
2
00:00:03,137 --> 00:00:06,204
You guys were right,
I read the ad wrong.
3
00:00:06,206 --> 00:00:08,473
It wasn't
for a candy striper,
4
00:00:08,475 --> 00:00:10,475
it was
for a candy stripper.
5
00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:12,077
What is that, a joke?
6
00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:14,546
Check it out.
Snot forgot his vest.
7
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:15,814
[ Chuckles ]
8
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:18,083
I guess we all know
what that means, right?
9
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:19,752
Uh, that's a "no."
10
00:00:19,754 --> 00:00:23,221
Snot secretly takes off his vest
when he dumps out.
11
00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:24,957
Oh, no,
he hides that?
12
00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:27,092
Be proud, guy.
13
00:00:27,094 --> 00:00:28,761
It's cool to poo!
14
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,366
Francine: Wuz dis?
15
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,635
Hey, this is about us.
16
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,703
It's a list
of the family.
17
00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:39,704
We're...
18
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:40,905
ranked.
19
00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:42,307
Ranked?
20
00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:45,510
On what, may I ask,
did Snot rank us?
21
00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:46,911
Hotness.
22
00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:48,446
[ Clamoring ]
23
00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:51,417
Steve: Oh, my God!
Klaus: I'm not last!
I'm not last!
24
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:53,718
I, uh...
25
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:54,653
forgot my vest.
26
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:57,189
Sit the hell down,
Snot.
27
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,858
'Tis the season...
28
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,193
for questions.
29
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:02,795
Gulp.
30
00:01:02,797 --> 00:01:04,529
♪♪
31
00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:07,800
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
32
00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:08,801
What is this, Snot?
33
00:01:08,803 --> 00:01:12,204
First off, it isn't
some "weird" ranking
34
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,272
of who I'm personally
attracted to.
35
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,475
It's just
a super normal,
36
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:19,344
"kinda hard to even be
mad about" list
37
00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:22,280
of the objective hotness
of my best friend's family.
38
00:01:22,282 --> 00:01:24,616
Just to be clear,
I'm ranked number one.
39
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,951
Does that mean...?
You're the hottest
in the family.
40
00:01:26,953 --> 00:01:28,821
Your Honor, I have no more
questions for this witness,
41
00:01:28,823 --> 00:01:30,823
except to ask if he wants
to stay for dinner.
42
00:01:30,825 --> 00:01:34,493
[ Chuckles ] I see --
I see I'm seven on here.
43
00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:37,762
I'm just not sure I understand
the numbering system.
44
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:40,298
Please allow me
to explain my conclusions.
45
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,501
Mr. Smith
is ranked first
46
00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:44,703
for his natural "talent."
47
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:47,439
The man has
the perfect body --
48
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,508
huge, menacing torso
49
00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,776
and legs that are mostly
an afterthought.
50
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:56,581
But the showstopper is a chin
that makes you realize
51
00:01:56,583 --> 00:01:59,251
that nothing
is impossible.
52
00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:01,720
Hayley is ranked second.
53
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:03,856
She oozes potential.
54
00:02:03,858 --> 00:02:07,726
A deep beauty lies within,
but it's mostly hidden
55
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:10,395
because
she transcends fashion
56
00:02:10,397 --> 00:02:13,732
and dresses
in absolute defiance of it.
57
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,735
Steve came in
a strong third.
58
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:20,072
His silky hair and soft hands
are great,
59
00:02:20,074 --> 00:02:24,643
but it's dat faaaat aaaass
that put him over the top.
60
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,946
Francine, I worry
about your drinking.
61
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:31,083
And even though it hasn't
affected your looks yet,
62
00:02:31,085 --> 00:02:33,418
it's just so...
63
00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:35,420
tragically...sad.
64
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:36,821
[ Belches ]
65
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,623
[ Sighs ]
66
00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:41,360
Klaus is a gorgeous shade
of orange.
67
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:46,565
Gazing upon him is like
watching a tropical sunset.
68
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:51,370
Jeff's feet are the perfect size
for his body.
69
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:54,239
And that concludes
my list.
70
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:55,373
Roger: What about me?
71
00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:56,975
You explained
everyone's rankings,
72
00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:57,976
but not mine.
73
00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,644
[ Inhales ]
74
00:02:59,646 --> 00:03:01,714
I just don't think
it's fair to say
75
00:03:01,716 --> 00:03:04,383
if it's something
you can't change.
76
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:05,918
[ Groans ]
77
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:08,520
Announcement.
78
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,922
I'm skipping work
for the month,
79
00:03:09,924 --> 00:03:12,791
and this time not just
to play "Animal Crossing."
80
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:15,327
I'm going to finally
start my magazine!
81
00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:17,729
Stan Magazine
is happening?
82
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,798
Yep!
For the first time ever,
83
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,466
there will be
a magazine...
84
00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:22,467
for men!
85
00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:24,136
Is this all
because my friend
86
00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:25,470
thought you were attractive?
87
00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:26,939
He's my friend too,
Steve.
88
00:03:26,941 --> 00:03:29,742
Dad, there are already tons
of men's magazines out there.
89
00:03:29,744 --> 00:03:32,010
Stan Magazine
will be different.
90
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:35,147
Stan Magazine will have reviews
of wrist watches.
91
00:03:35,149 --> 00:03:36,548
And a sex advice column
92
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:40,485
from -- get this --
a woman wearing glasses.
93
00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:43,488
So there's irony at play
in this magazine.
94
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:44,756
Sorry I'm late
for breakfast.
95
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,491
I didn't get too much
sleep last night,
96
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:47,826
and I'm not feeling
too hot.
97
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,161
I bet you aren't.
98
00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:50,562
[ Stifled laughter ]
99
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,631
I'm going
to the zoo!
100
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:56,568
Dude, one of the gross
hippos escaped!
101
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,437
Oh, no,
has a hippo gotten out --
102
00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:00,973
Oh, no,
they're talking about me.
103
00:04:00,975 --> 00:04:02,107
That's no hippo!
104
00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:04,442
It's a disgusting squid
trying to sneak out
105
00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:05,978
of the zoo
in people clothes.
106
00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:09,782
My confidence is so low,
I don't even look human anymore.
107
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:14,052
Whoa, the zoo
got a monster.
108
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:17,055
♪♪
109
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:20,192
Well, I've been to every bank
in the tri-city metro area,
110
00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:23,595
and no one has the balls to
loan me money for my magazine.
111
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,797
Goddamn banks!
112
00:04:24,799 --> 00:04:26,799
All they care about
is money.
113
00:04:26,801 --> 00:04:28,400
How are you doing,
Barry?
114
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:30,068
I'm so sorry
for your loss.
115
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,936
I really miss Nana.
116
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:33,605
Now all I have
to remember her by
117
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:36,275
is the large inheritance
she left me.
118
00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:41,213
Barry, my good man,
have a seat.
119
00:04:41,215 --> 00:04:44,949
Francine, we have a guest,
bring this lard-ass some ribs.
120
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,485
I don't know
if you've heard,
121
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,687
but I've got a lot of heat
on me right now.
122
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:52,024
Oh, I heard
about Snot's rankings.
123
00:04:52,026 --> 00:04:53,025
Congratulations.
124
00:04:53,027 --> 00:04:55,360
I have an investment
opportunity for you.
125
00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:56,761
Stan Magazine.
126
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:58,563
A magazine for men.
127
00:04:58,565 --> 00:05:00,899
It's luxury
but also rugged?
128
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:04,036
It's political, but only
for office politics.
129
00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:05,904
Dad,
can you please not --
130
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,373
Francine,
silence the boy!
131
00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:09,774
Ahh!
132
00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:12,577
Do you know anything
about launching a magazine?
133
00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,112
That's a great question.
134
00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:15,514
I've got some better ones.
135
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:18,116
What's Jeremy Renner's
favorite cigar shop?
136
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:20,652
Where does Gerard Butler
like to scuba dive?
137
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:21,986
Those are
the big questions
138
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,589
Stan Magazine
will attempt to answer.
139
00:05:24,591 --> 00:05:26,991
I'll give you $600.
Great!
140
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,794
Barry, I'm so sorry
about your grandmother,
141
00:05:29,796 --> 00:05:31,329
that she won't be here
to see you
142
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,998
become
a magazine millionaire.
143
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,402
Who cares what Snot, the family,
a couple of zoo workers,
144
00:05:37,404 --> 00:05:39,404
and an entire Starbucks
think of you?
145
00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:41,273
The barista asked me
to leave the store,
146
00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:44,008
and then I could hear
everyone cheer when I left.
147
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:47,079
Klaus, this is the least
confident and sexy
148
00:05:47,081 --> 00:05:48,080
I've ever felt.
149
00:05:48,082 --> 00:05:49,214
[ Doorbell rings ]
150
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,682
Oh, no!
151
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,016
It's the Wednesday
before Christmas, isn't it?
152
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:55,420
Tonight's my legendary
Christmas sex party.
153
00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:58,022
All: Sex! Sex! Sex!
154
00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,691
What a disaster!
155
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,025
With your confidence
so low
156
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:03,762
and my Bangtivity scene
not finished yet.
157
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:05,898
I still have to glue
on Joseph's mammoth hog
158
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:08,901
and arrange
the Three Wise Men circle jerk.
159
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:14,940
♪♪
160
00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:16,642
Upstairs.
161
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:21,146
So, Rog, when are you going
to get in on the action?
162
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,147
Not sure.
163
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:23,815
Got my hands full
with these refreshments,
164
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,150
and after that,
I feel like it's time
165
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:28,287
I build that Lego Death Star
I got six years ago.
166
00:06:28,289 --> 00:06:29,554
Roger,
you're being silly.
167
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,090
You're sexy as hell.
168
00:06:31,092 --> 00:06:32,557
This is your party!
169
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,560
Get in there, Santa!
170
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:37,696
Do I look good?
171
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,499
You're giving me
a full-on Yule log, bro.
172
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,968
[ Inhales sharply,
groans ]
173
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,305
Uhp, coming through.
'Scuse me.
174
00:06:46,307 --> 00:06:47,706
Hey, how's it going
over here?
175
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:49,908
Woman: [ Screams ]
There's a hippo in here!
176
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:53,778
Man: Uh, that's clearly,
uh, a squid.
177
00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:55,246
Okay, that hurts.
178
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,850
Heyo, how's the futon crew
doing, room for a fifth?
179
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:01,252
Tuttle: No!
Mrs. Lonstein: Oh, God,
180
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,122
whatever you're doing,
can you not do it near me?
181
00:07:03,124 --> 00:07:04,656
Sorry, sorry.
182
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:07,859
Everyone is just so obsessed
with sex at this orgy!
183
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:10,662
Whatever happened to a little
something called conversation?
184
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,731
Huh?
Sorry, I wasn't listening.
185
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:16,335
Tuttle is really getting into
the Christmas spirit --
186
00:07:16,337 --> 00:07:19,671
giving and receiving.
187
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,272
[ Claps hands ]
188
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:22,341
[ Guests groan ]
189
00:07:22,343 --> 00:07:24,009
I thought
we could take a break
190
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:27,212
from all that humping
to share a nice Christmas goose.
191
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,680
Do we have to?
192
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,549
Yes.
We're going to eat, chat,
193
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:33,152
and enjoy each other's
sexiest body part...
194
00:07:33,154 --> 00:07:34,953
You mean the ball sack?
The taint?
195
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,288
Is he talking
about the anus?
196
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,289
Roger: The brain!
197
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:39,825
Have you read "Dune"?
198
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:41,226
I keep trying to get into it,
but I don't know,
199
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,162
maybe I'm just not
a "Dune" guy --
200
00:07:43,164 --> 00:07:44,363
[ Clapping ]
Hey!
201
00:07:44,365 --> 00:07:46,297
I run the clapper
around here!
202
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,899
[ Clapping ]
203
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,836
Okay, very funny, everybody.
Where'd the goose go?
204
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,171
I'm gonna turn off the light
again,
205
00:07:52,173 --> 00:07:54,706
and, whoever took the goose,
just put it back.
206
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,008
No questions asked.
207
00:07:57,444 --> 00:07:58,510
[ Clapping ]
208
00:07:58,512 --> 00:07:59,778
Thank you.
209
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:02,247
Oh, no, did someone [bleep]
this goose?
210
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:04,049
Who [bleep] this goose?
211
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:08,587
♪♪
212
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,189
'Sup, homies!
213
00:08:10,191 --> 00:08:12,791
Dad, what are you doing here
and what happened to your face?
214
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:15,794
You think it's easy to stay
on top of Snot's rankings?
215
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,929
I had all the fat
from my feet and calves
216
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,731
put into
my cheeks and lips.
217
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:21,332
Hi, Snot, always good
to see you.
218
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:24,335
Now, Barry, I wanted to chat
about continuing
219
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,738
your investment
in Stan Magazine.
220
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:29,208
Don't forget your grandmother's
dying words --
221
00:08:29,210 --> 00:08:31,142
"Support print journalism."
222
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:33,478
Her dying words were,
"Find my killer."
223
00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:36,281
Look, I'm sorry,
Mr. Smith,
224
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:39,018
but this all seems like
a giant vanity project.
225
00:08:39,020 --> 00:08:41,220
You think I'm gonna take
artistic advice
226
00:08:41,222 --> 00:08:42,221
from my money guy?
227
00:08:42,223 --> 00:08:44,823
No way.
You suits are all the same.
228
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:46,825
You're the one
wearing a suit.
229
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:49,027
I'm not giving you
any more money.
230
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,162
Very well,
you are dead to me.
231
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:52,497
I'm gonna go finish
my lunch
232
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,233
with the sexy
religious students.
233
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,569
You know, I always thought
that cleaning up
234
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,771
after an orgy
would be gross,
235
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:01,172
and I was right.
236
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,442
Klaus, I can't live
like this anymore.
237
00:09:03,444 --> 00:09:05,911
Sex makes everything
so much worse.
238
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:08,914
So I've decided to swear
off sex from now on.
239
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:10,716
I'm giving it up forever.
240
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:11,917
I'm with you!
241
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,719
I'm sick of sex, too!
242
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,854
I don't want to get railed,
nailed,
243
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:18,990
Eiffel towered, pretzel dipped,
corkscrewed,
244
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:22,994
flat-ironed, wheel-barrowed,
or sporked ever again.
245
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:26,065
I'm done, done, done
with sex!
246
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:28,133
Sporked?
Sex, who needs it?
247
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:29,268
Not me!
248
00:09:29,270 --> 00:09:31,870
My whole downstairs is
basically destroyed anyways!
249
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:33,939
[ Both laugh ]
250
00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,941
I like your vibe,
strange woman.
251
00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:38,743
Roger, professional uncle,
hater of sex.
252
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:39,878
Elizabeth.
253
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,212
You know, if we're both
254
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:43,615
really serious
about not having sex,
255
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:45,784
there's something
we can do...
256
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,753
Both: We got married!
257
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,090
♪ Bum bum bummmm ♪
258
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:56,294
♪♪
259
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:58,563
[ Alarm rings ]
260
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:00,899
Good morning.
Good morning to you, sir.
261
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,567
Both: Companionship!
262
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:03,768
Klaus: Companionship!
263
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:06,171
Don't forget
I'm part of this too.
264
00:10:06,841 --> 00:10:09,708
It's so nice not worrying
about sex anymore.
265
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,844
I can focus on the important
things in life,
266
00:10:11,846 --> 00:10:13,512
like this
flavorless oatmeal.
267
00:10:13,514 --> 00:10:17,249
And I can wear my night guard
all day long.
268
00:10:17,251 --> 00:10:18,717
Ugh!
269
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,919
Mmm, this homemade
apple cider vinegar
270
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:23,988
is so much more sour
than store bought.
271
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:27,059
[ Birds chirping ]
272
00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:35,167
The birds are quite promiscuous
up here in the mountains.
273
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:37,736
Woodworking.
274
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:39,672
A true, lasting pleasure.
275
00:10:39,674 --> 00:10:41,206
I can do this all night.
276
00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:43,007
[ Yawns ]
But it's been a long day.
277
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:44,609
I think it's time
to hit the hay.
278
00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:47,679
Honey, it's 7:15
in the morning.
279
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,214
Oh.
280
00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:50,282
Huh.
281
00:10:50,284 --> 00:10:53,752
♪♪
282
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,120
Shhh.
He's coming.
283
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:59,091
Why is dad dressed
like a villainous emperor
284
00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:00,559
from a sci-fi movie?
285
00:11:00,561 --> 00:11:02,627
[ Hisses ]
286
00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:03,896
Thank you, Xerxes.
287
00:11:03,898 --> 00:11:06,965
The venom of this little snake
reactivates my calf fat.
288
00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:08,833
It's what we in
the magazine business call
289
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,435
a "compound plumpening."
290
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:11,636
I have great news!
291
00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:13,171
After a brief bankruptcy,
292
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,840
Stan Magazine will continue
to move forward
293
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:18,577
thanks to our angel investor --
Toshi.
294
00:11:18,579 --> 00:11:19,712
[ Applause ]
295
00:11:19,714 --> 00:11:21,246
Don't you have friends
of your own?
296
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:22,447
Not really, no.
297
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:24,182
Okay, let's get an update
from my writers.
298
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,251
Chuck Klosterman,
how's that hit piece
299
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,052
on that cheap-ass loser,
Barry?
300
00:11:28,054 --> 00:11:30,655
It's a brutal takedown
as requested --
301
00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:31,724
Alright, that's enough,
chatterbox.
302
00:11:31,726 --> 00:11:33,926
I pay you to type,
not to talk.
303
00:11:33,928 --> 00:11:37,329
Stan, how many more tequilas
do you want me to taste test?
304
00:11:37,331 --> 00:11:40,699
Um, I-I asked you to write
about lacrosse.
305
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,201
Finally,
Malcolm Gladwell,
306
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,604
how are those
wrist watch reviews coming?
307
00:11:45,606 --> 00:11:47,339
Stan,
I tried to explain.
308
00:11:47,341 --> 00:11:50,074
My writings deal with
the unexpected implications
309
00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:53,278
of human behavior
in the social sciences.
310
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,147
Well, now you review
wrist watches.
311
00:11:55,149 --> 00:11:56,749
And remember,
it's a men's magazine
312
00:11:56,751 --> 00:11:59,351
so the highest rating
is five boners.
313
00:11:59,353 --> 00:12:00,685
[ Hisses ]
314
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:02,755
You heard the snake --
back to work!
315
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:07,159
Companionship!
316
00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:08,861
Companionship.
317
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:12,431
This is the life.
318
00:12:12,433 --> 00:12:15,300
As little sex
and as much apple cider vinegar
319
00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:16,735
as we want.
320
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,039
Was kinda hoping
that would kill me.
321
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:25,510
♪♪
322
00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:27,780
Mmmm, burnt-ass bread.
323
00:12:27,782 --> 00:12:29,114
Who needs sex?
324
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:31,449
Not me and my burnt-ass bread.
325
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:33,051
We're doing great.
326
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:35,587
♪♪
327
00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:38,190
Hi, Time Warner, yes, I'd like
to lodge a complaint.
328
00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:40,659
Dr. Phil is wearing
a tan suit today
329
00:12:40,661 --> 00:12:43,162
and he looks like
a giant fat penis.
330
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,900
There. Done.
331
00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:51,804
We've been here
for a while.
332
00:12:51,806 --> 00:12:54,373
I learned
to play the piano!
333
00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:59,011
Roger: What is that awful noise?
334
00:12:59,013 --> 00:13:00,813
I don't like it!
Elizabeth!
335
00:13:00,815 --> 00:13:02,414
Can you hear this?
336
00:13:02,416 --> 00:13:06,151
[ Party music playing ]
337
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:09,554
"Uncle Tuttle's
Ballsackular Bang Bash"?
338
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:10,823
[ Gasps ] Elizabeth!
339
00:13:10,825 --> 00:13:13,091
My Christmas sex party
has been stolen
340
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,959
by that pervert
Al Tuttle!
341
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:17,229
Elizabeth! The party
seems bigger than ever.
342
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:19,764
There's a line
around the block to get in.
343
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,166
Oh, man, Elizabeth!
344
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,168
You're not going
to believe this, but [Chuckles]
345
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:26,171
there's a woman there that's
bitin' your humdrum style.
346
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,640
What a joke!
She can't pull it off at all.
347
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,375
She even has your same
back tattoo
348
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,511
that means "betrayal"
in Chinese.
349
00:13:32,513 --> 00:13:34,579
Elizabeth,
you've got to see this.
350
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:37,049
Elizabeth?
351
00:13:37,051 --> 00:13:38,316
Wait a minute!
352
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,585
I've been whatever is Chinese
353
00:13:40,587 --> 00:13:41,786
for betrayed!
354
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:43,588
Ahh!
[ Thunder crashes ]
355
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,258
What is
all the commotion --
356
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:48,861
Roger,
what is happening to you?!
357
00:13:48,863 --> 00:13:50,328
Roger: I don't know!
358
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,530
I think this is what happens
when my species
359
00:13:51,532 --> 00:13:52,464
has been betrayed!
360
00:13:52,466 --> 00:13:54,266
Or maybe this is what happens
to my species
361
00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:56,468
if they go a year
without sex.
362
00:13:56,470 --> 00:13:58,403
How do you not know?!
363
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:02,207
I flunked out of school,
Klaus.
364
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:03,676
Whoa, Roger.
365
00:14:03,678 --> 00:14:06,278
I am not Roger
anymore.
366
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,213
Call me The Grounch.
367
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,749
The Grounch
Who Stole Sex-mas.
368
00:14:10,751 --> 00:14:13,118
[ Thunder crashes ]
369
00:14:15,756 --> 00:14:16,755
♪ Gonna have sex ♪
370
00:14:16,757 --> 00:14:17,756
♪ Gonna have sex ♪
371
00:14:17,758 --> 00:14:19,824
♪ Gonna have sex today ♪
372
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,493
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
373
00:14:21,495 --> 00:14:24,629
♪ On a random stranger's face,
yay! ♪
374
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:27,832
Klaus: Now that the Grounch
had been betrayed,
375
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:30,235
he couldn't stand
anyone getting laid.
376
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:33,838
And every party-goer
liked sex a lot.
377
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,574
But the Grounch...
378
00:14:35,576 --> 00:14:37,242
he did not.
379
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,311
The Grounch hates sex
380
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,646
and the people who have it
one and all.
381
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:47,185
Most think because his boner
was two sizes too small.
382
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:48,120
[ Growls ]
383
00:14:48,122 --> 00:14:49,988
The Grounch couldn't stand
384
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,856
to see all these people,
385
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:54,192
every one of them so horny.
386
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,860
He said to the heavens...
387
00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:58,463
I must find a way
to stop this orgy!
388
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,265
Right in that moment,
389
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:02,801
the Grounch got an idea.
390
00:15:02,803 --> 00:15:08,340
A ghastly, gruesome,
Grounch-y idea.
391
00:15:08,342 --> 00:15:11,944
I know exactly what
all these pervs need to get off.
392
00:15:11,946 --> 00:15:15,213
Tonight I will steal
all their sexy things --
393
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:17,682
the Spank-A-Roos,
the Bungle-Fondlers,
394
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:18,817
and the Strap-On-Dill-Dolls.
395
00:15:18,819 --> 00:15:20,619
I will ruin their big party
396
00:15:20,621 --> 00:15:23,155
and give everyone blue balls.
397
00:15:23,157 --> 00:15:25,023
Klaus: His mission clear,
398
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:27,425
the Grounch
yelled down the hill --
399
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:30,763
If I can't have sex,
then no one will!
400
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:37,035
♪ You're a green one,
Monsieur Grounch ♪
401
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:41,373
♪ You have no sex appeal ♪
402
00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:43,441
♪ You look like a furry booger ♪
403
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,978
♪ You're charming
as a dead seal ♪
404
00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:48,380
♪ Monsieur Grounch ♪
405
00:15:48,382 --> 00:15:50,515
♪ You smell like
three-day-old gym shorts ♪
406
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:52,717
♪ Worn by an incontinent ♪
407
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,052
♪ Shaquille O'Neal ♪
408
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:57,255
♪♪
409
00:15:57,257 --> 00:16:01,860
♪ You're an original character,
Monsieur Grounch ♪
410
00:16:01,862 --> 00:16:03,862
♪ That's an undeniable fact ♪
411
00:16:03,864 --> 00:16:08,801
♪ But if this does remind you
of some other creature ♪
412
00:16:08,803 --> 00:16:10,935
♪ Don't overreact ♪
413
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:16,809
♪ The Supreme Court ruled that
a parody may claim fair use ♪
414
00:16:16,811 --> 00:16:19,878
♪ Under Section 107 ♪
415
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,214
♪ Of the Copyright Act ♪
416
00:16:22,216 --> 00:16:24,149
Man: Where's
my Pee-Pee-Pump-O-Max?!
417
00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:26,218
Suze: And I'm looking
for my Hoo-Hoo-Wax!
418
00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:28,086
Bullock:
I can't possibly get down
419
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,422
without my
Rooty-Tooty-Booty-Snacks!
420
00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:32,557
Tuttle: Hey,
where's my Dingle-Dongle?
421
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:35,560
Mrs. Lonstein: And I can't have
sex without my Vibra-Shlongle!
422
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:39,198
Dr. Kalgary: Has anyone seen
my Anal-Tongle?!
423
00:16:40,835 --> 00:16:45,370
♪ You're a piece of shit,
Monsieur Grounch ♪
424
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:50,308
♪ You stink like
a Muppet's fart ♪
425
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:52,244
♪ You're a real bad apple ♪
426
00:16:52,246 --> 00:16:56,448
♪ You're worse than Paul Blart
the mall cop ♪
427
00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:58,851
♪ You're the worst
thing to happen ♪
428
00:16:58,853 --> 00:17:03,188
♪ To the local community ♪
429
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:05,524
♪ Since Walmart! ♪
430
00:17:10,664 --> 00:17:14,466
♪♪
431
00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:17,335
Tuck in that shirt, this isn't
fajita night at Applebee's.
432
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:19,337
This is fajita night
catered by Applebee's
433
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:22,274
for Stan Magazine's
launch party.
434
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:25,677
Alright, it's 8:00.
435
00:17:25,679 --> 00:17:28,647
Time to open the doors
and let the riff-raff in.
436
00:17:30,951 --> 00:17:32,217
Where's my riff-raff?
437
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,018
Dad,
I tried to tell you
438
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:35,888
that no one had RSVP'd,
439
00:17:35,890 --> 00:17:37,622
but you just kept accusing me
of not
440
00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:39,357
considering fashion
an art form.
441
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,960
Fashion is an art form,
Hayley!
442
00:17:41,962 --> 00:17:43,628
Wait, no one's coming?
443
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:46,431
[ Laughter ]
444
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,032
Put that back
on the pedestal!
445
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:50,969
[ Laughs ] What's with
the Pikachus on every page?
446
00:17:50,971 --> 00:17:52,304
What?
You think it's too much
447
00:17:52,306 --> 00:17:54,306
like all the other
men's magazines?
448
00:17:54,308 --> 00:17:56,775
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
like you, Steve!
449
00:17:56,777 --> 00:17:58,677
[ Sobbing ]
450
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,515
Noooooo!
451
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:07,519
Why must the beautiful
suffer so?!
452
00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:11,523
Klaus: The Grounch was happy,
his mission complete,
453
00:18:11,525 --> 00:18:15,728
till he heard the sound
of sucking on feet.
454
00:18:15,730 --> 00:18:18,663
Roger: I don't understand,
how could this be?
455
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:21,533
They're still having
the sex party?
456
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:24,269
Klaus: And then he made
a realization
457
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,471
that made his face flush.
458
00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:29,674
The spirit of sex
is too hard to crush.
459
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:32,611
The Grounch realized
that a sex party
460
00:18:32,613 --> 00:18:37,349
isn't about toys, lingerie,
or lube with spermicide.
461
00:18:37,351 --> 00:18:39,952
It's about feeling sexy inside.
462
00:18:39,954 --> 00:18:43,155
Klaus: But that's exactly
what the Grounch didn't feel.
463
00:18:43,157 --> 00:18:46,491
I guess before bed
I'll have a sad bowl of oatmeal.
464
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:49,962
And that might have been the end
of our pathetic tale.
465
00:18:49,964 --> 00:18:54,299
If the Grounch hadn't noticed
that he was standing on a scale.
466
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:56,501
Holy shit,
I've lost two pounds!
467
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:59,304
It must be all that oatmeal
I've been eating.
468
00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:02,240
Dang,
I look skinny as hell.
469
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:06,378
Ho ho...ho.
470
00:19:06,380 --> 00:19:10,449
That was the moment
that everything changed.
471
00:19:10,451 --> 00:19:14,453
Suddenly the Grounch
didn't feel like such a grump.
472
00:19:14,455 --> 00:19:19,358
The Grounch was feeling sexy
and he wanted to hump.
473
00:19:25,065 --> 00:19:26,331
Roger: Ow!
474
00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:28,000
[ Faint party music playing ]
475
00:19:28,002 --> 00:19:31,336
♪♪
476
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,405
I want to apologize
to all of you.
477
00:19:33,407 --> 00:19:35,474
I'm sorry I tried
to ruin your night.
478
00:19:35,476 --> 00:19:37,942
Not good enough.
We're mad at you!
479
00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:41,013
You know, you stole
Hideki's heartburn medication.
480
00:19:41,015 --> 00:19:42,280
Not cool.
481
00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:44,216
Well, if words
can't convince you,
482
00:19:44,218 --> 00:19:47,286
maybe this will
change your mind.
483
00:19:52,893 --> 00:19:55,327
Mmm.
Let us talk it over.
484
00:19:58,699 --> 00:20:01,834
We've decided we want
to have sex with you.
485
00:20:01,836 --> 00:20:03,301
Elizabeth.
486
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,370
I want you first.
487
00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:06,638
Please come in.
488
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,106
There's snacks
in the kitchen,
489
00:20:08,108 --> 00:20:09,508
a shower in the back,
490
00:20:09,510 --> 00:20:11,710
and no finishing
on my iguana.
491
00:20:11,712 --> 00:20:15,347
♪♪
492
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:22,187
Huh, I guess I screwed off
all my green fur.
493
00:20:22,189 --> 00:20:23,588
Well, I did it, Klaus.
494
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:25,390
I shtupped the whole town.
495
00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:27,392
Congratulations, Roger.
496
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:28,993
Glad you got
your mojo back.
497
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,729
Yeah, me too.
498
00:20:30,731 --> 00:20:33,331
I just don't understand what
lesson I was supposed to learn.
499
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,400
Jeans:
Don't you remember?
500
00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:38,002
Confidence is sexy!
501
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:39,404
Roger: Oh, hi, Jeans!
502
00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,273
So this was all
about confidence.
503
00:20:41,275 --> 00:20:43,007
Obviously.
504
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,809
Goodbye, Roger.
505
00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:49,882
I must now return to where
I live behind the moon.
506
00:20:49,884 --> 00:20:53,152
Merry Christmas!
507
00:20:54,288 --> 00:20:58,022
Stan: And happy New Year!
508
00:20:58,024 --> 00:21:00,159
Bye-bye, see you soon!