Bullock: In the sprawling dark of night,
when all is still... that's when it can be heard --
The Hum...
[ Droning hum ] ...a ceaseless, enigmatic tone,
heard only by a gifted few, its origin unknown.
Electromagnetic energy? [ Thunder rumbling ]
Alien transmission?
Perhaps the echoes of some distant alternate dimension.
Perhaps even the sound of our very doom.
[ Humming continues ] If you ask me...
I don't care.
Because I prefer the hum...
[ Engine revs, tires screech ]
...of my tricked-out IROC Z28!
♪ Unskinny bop ♪ Whoo-hoo!
♪ Just blows me away ♪ Whoo-hoo!
Bullock: Enjoy the show, my babies!
♪ All night and day ♪♪
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
[ Droning hum, insects chirping ]
[ Chewing noisily ]
Steve, I'm gonna tell you the same thing
I said to Jackie Collins that one time --
No writing at the table on barbecue chicken night.
Sorry. I'm just trying to decide
which school work-study program to choose.
It's either apprentice
under weatherman Memphis Stormfront at Channel 3 News
or Buckle at his urology clinic.
Sounds like either way you're gonna be dealing with drips.
Pa-dum, shh! [ Gasps ]
But which one guarantees me a good grade?
Which one is certain to put me on the path to success?
Oh, Steve, no one knows for certain what the future holds.
I just don't want to end up being one of those losers
who lives with their parents as an adult.
Hey! Sorry. No, no.
W-What I mean is I don't want to be one of those poor dopes
who lives their whole, sad life in the town they grew up in.
Hey! So what, you're too good for us now?
No! I love you guys! I do!
It's just...I guess I've always seen more for myself than,
you know...this.
Hm. Hm.
I feel ya, Steve.
Big dreamers like you and me,
we got to spread our golden wings.
One day, we hit that open road and never look back.
Actually, Dad, when I say "this"...
that includes you.
[ Gasps ] Roger, quick!
Bring the fainting divan!
Sorry, Stan. Already in use.
'Cause one of my personas just received some shocking news.
Everybody look the other way for a second.
No. I already changed anyway.
Walt Whipman, whip-crack session musician.
I provide the whip-crack sounds
for the many kinds of music that require them --
"Rawhide"-style TV Western themes,
Devo cover bands, and the list goes on and on.
Unfortunately, I earned something of a reputation
back in the day for heavy drinking, shaky hands,
and always accidentally whipping my fellow musicians in the face.
Anyway, I just heard my old musician pal Roscoe
is now a big-shot producer in Nashville,
which obviously means that it is...comeback time!
Why is there an ice cream scoop in my whip holster?
Can we please get back to my real problem here?
Which one of these work-studies is the right choice?
Oh, now you're looking for advice
from your horrible family?
Seriously.
Just flip a coin, why don't you?
[ Sighs ] Maybe that's all I can do.
Does anybody else hear that hum?
Well, here goes nothing...
Looks like I'll be taking my talents to Channel 3.
Great, okay, whatever. Now...
who's coming with me on my journey of redemption?
Look...
Up.
Pack your shit. We're going to Nashville.
[ TV theme plays ]
And over there is our star anchor, Greg Corbin.
Oh, we're actually neighbors.
Hi, Mr. Corbin!
Me, though, I'm an open book.
You wanna know anything about me, just ask.
Well, one thing I have always wondered...
Is Memphis Stormfront your real name?
[ Chuckles ] Oh my, no.
I sure would've been a born weatherman
if my name was really Memphis Stormfront.
So what is your real name?
Toledo Tornado.
I changed it so no one would find out I'm...
[Whispers] ...Italian.
Now whaddya wanna see next?
Oh, how about the Doppler?
The Doppler? Yeah, the Doppler 12,000.
It's up on the roof, righ--?
Who told you about the Doppler?
The...announcer
at the beginning of every news broadcas--
I don't have time right now. It's actually pretty boring.
It's a safety hazard. The Doppler's off-limits.
So just get the hell off my back about it, okay?
Don't mind him. Ahh!
He's weird about that Doppler.
Oh, hey.
W--What's your name?
Gassup E. Piye. [ "Gossipy P.A." ]
French-Danish...? No.
Memphis has been on edge lately.
Probably because his forecast accuracy has been way down.
And he knows he's on thin ice.
Poor Memphis.
More like poor you!
Because if Memphis gets the axe, so does your work-study program.
[ Cellphone rings ]
And it's too late to switch to Buckle's urology clinic,
because Barry already took that spot.
That's right.
I'm aware of Barry!
Buh-byeeeeeeeee.
Ahh! Stairs! [ Clattering ]
Ow! Ooh!
Oh! Ow! Ernngh!
That's gotta hurt.
Get away from me!
And now we turn to the weather.
What've you got for us, Memph?
Cold, Greg, and lots of it.
Perfect conditions for tomorrow's first ever
Langley Classic Outdoor Hockey Invitational.
So pack an extra set of clamps, 'cause it's gonna be nippy.
The entire starting lineup of the Roanoke Ice Wasps
is dead because of your faulty forecast!
And I had thirty bucks on that game, Toledo.
Mannaggia dio!
The late, great Dickie Dobbins never had this kind of trouble.
Using the very same Doppler as you, I might add.
You leave the Doppler out of this!
You screw up just one more time, and you'll be --
Does anyone else hear that humming sound?
No? Nobody?
Out on your ass!
Ha-cha!
You're gonna fire me, old man?
Well how 'bout I wick-ah wick-ah!
How 'bout that?
Mr. Stormfront, do you think
after all these wrong forecasts,
maybe we should check out the Doppler
to make sure it's working right?
The Doppler is fine!
Hey, check this out.
Roundhouse!
Ooh! Ow.
It's just, I really don't want to lose this work-study --
Shhh.
Iss's lissning!
[Slurring] Ssay away from the Bloppler, kid.
Stay...
away...
Screw this. I'm checking it out.
The Doppler's not even plugged in
to the station's computer system.
He hasn't been using it at all.
Alright, nothing too out of the...
[ Gasp! ]
♪♪
[ Baby cries ] [ Applause ]
Oh, my God.
That thing doesn't forecast the weather.
It shows...
the future.
Then again, I'm pretty sure I saw
Snot winning Prom King in there,
so maybe it's just a bunch of random B.S.
Sure, it was all just part of a cruel prank
planned by the popular kids --
and, I have reason to believe, some of the teachers --
but I'm still just absolutely over the moon!
[ Thump! ]
♪♪
Memphis: Ssay away from the Bloppler, kid.
What could be so dangerous
about takin' a little peep into the ol' futuro?
♪♪
Wh-- is this...
the mayor's mansion?
This is...
tomorrow.
Delilah, darling!
I have grand news!
The Sharks are going to the championship!
The game was such a rout that I left early and --
What??
Coach Trey?
My best friend?!
Jimmy, it's not what it looks like!
We're not just resting in bed together.
Until a few seconds ago we were having sex, too.
[ Crying ]
You'll pay for this, cuckolder!
Just bear with me one sec.
Delilah: Jimmuh! Jimmuh, baybuh, please.
Stop and think!
Oh Jimmuh, baybuh.
It didn't mean nothin'! Please!
Look at my neck, it's pleading with you!
Baby, we can talk about this, Jimmuh!
You don't wanna do this, Jimmy!
[ Overlapping pleading ] [ Screams ]
[ Gunshot ]
Oh, my God!
I have to do something!
Incredible tip on that playoff blowout, Steve.
That's just the kind of thing that can earn a boy
an A plus on his work-study, if you catch my meaning.
Wink!
Wink wink wink!
[ Western music playing ]
Roscoe, thank you so much for agreeing to meet me here.
I...didn't.
You and your...
boyfriend?
Followed me in here.
Well, you're looking great, I'll tell you that.
Except for that... yuck, on your face.
What happened there? You...
whipped me, many years ago --
Oh, God, I was hoping not to talk shop,
but since you brought it up,
I'm guessing you've seen my ad in the country music trades?
Dammit. That's supposed to say "whip crack."
Well, I was pretty drunk when I ordered the ad.
But I've cleaned up since then,
and now I'm totally sober and ready to lick crack.
You know what I mean.
Listen, Walt, now I am about to record
a new Rawhide-style TV Western theme,
and am in desperate need of a whip man,
but it's just... all those faces you whipped.
Now you listen to me, Race Car.
You have to give this man another shot.
Without second chances, where would any of us be?
[ Patriotic music playing in background ] Didn't America give the South a second chance
after the Civil War?
Sure, that one turned out to be a huge mistake,
but the point still stands, and that point is...
Something about Roger?
Walt.
Whipman.
Whipcrack session musician.
Alright, I'll give you one shot.
Say, you fellas hear that strange kinda humming sound?
No.
Here, would you mind covering your face up with this napkin?
♪♪
Day after day, just one hot sports tip
and news scoop after another.
And now I'm rich!
Rich as Sir Topham Hatt!
How do you do it, Steven?
Heh.
J--Just lucky, I guess. Here.
Help yourself to a Todd McFarlane figurine.
Oh, don't mind if I d-- ohhh.
♪♪
Are you alright?
Yeah, just a little...
black ooze.
[ Snorts ]
Memphis: You've been using it, haven't you?
[ Gasp! ]
Haven't you?
Do you have any idea what forces you're tampering with?
Forces of good...?
Why do you think I stopped using the damn thing?
Well, you'll soon find out for yourself
what it is to be both terrified and enthralled by it,
to despise and desire it.
You inside of it and it inside of you.
I gotta go.
Oh, Mommy, oh, Mommy, oh, Mommy. Here I come, Mommy!
And now our very own Memphis Stormfront
joins us with a look at the weekend weather.
Memph?
Not all that is old was once young.
Not all that's forgotten is gone.
The nameless one, dreaming of fire, but slumbers,
to awaken some cursed, blood-wrought dawn.
[ Chuckles ]
Sounds like it's gonna be a hot one.
Stay kooky, Memphis.
Okay, clearly I should not be tampering with that Doppler.
Well, yeah.
Besides, I'm pretty sure I've got that A
on my work-study locked up already,
so I am never using the Doppler again.
Right after one teensy little look-see
to make sure it's an A plus.
♪♪
[ Screaming ]
[ Roar! ]
♪♪
Oh, God, my family!
No!
Noooooooo!
Do you mind?
Are you enjoying the show?
[ Whistling ]
No, God, nooooo!
Listen to me! Please!
Something terrible is coming!
Oh, more terrible than your family?
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, okay?
But some kind of monster is coming,
and it's gonna kill us all!
[ Whistles ]
Please!
We have to get out of here and try to find someplace safe!
Ahh!
[ Door slams ]
He's gotta have something here that explains the Doppler,
that monster, all of it.
Pornography, pornography...
creepy ancient scroll, pornography...
Wait a minute!
Wow, an interview with Adrien Brody.
I'll just save this for later.
Wait a minute!
A creepy ancient scroll!
My pornography!
And scroll.
Ahh!
Mr. Stormfront! Please, no!
Ahh!
[ Sighs ]
God, how I wish he'd never left me that damned orb.
What is the Doppler, really?
It isn't a Doppler at all.
It's some kind of ancient alien instrument
that Dickie Dobbins found buried deep beneath the Mojave Desert.
It gave him the ability to see the future --
the power of absolute certainty.
Mm, yeah, man's desire for certainty.
Been kind of a theme lately.
But in the end... it killed him.
Are you sure he didn't just die of being...
you know, super old?
He was 32!
But that's what the thing does to you.
Decays you. Twists your soul.
So much so that some even come to want to summon...
The creature.
What is it?
It's a being so terrifying, it's impossible to even describe.
Face of an eel, arms like giant squids,
classic dragon's body, six wobbly baby giraffe legs,
standing an immeasurable 3,097 feet tall!
It is...
B'thazalom, the Nameless One!
The Nameless One's name is B'thazalom?
Please don't be a dick about this, okay?
Oh, my God.
The Doppler and the monster...
B'thazalom the Nameless.
Uh-huh. They're linked.
The Doppler has been sending out these vibrations to it,
waking it up.
I'm impressed.
You're scroll-reading at a twelfth-grade level.
So the only way to make certain it stays buried
is to destroy the Doppler.
Roger sure would've been handy to have around
for all this cosmic crap.
He better be doing something really important.
[ Western music playing ]
♪ Racin', pacin', chasin' ♪
♪ Make those dogies hasten ♪
♪ Though your chaps are chafin' ♪
♪ Gotta bring those heifers home ♪
♪ Cow driiive ♪
♪ Take 'em in, turn 'em out ♪
♪ Round 'em up, rub 'em down ♪
♪ Take it off, make 'em shout ♪
♪ Bring a friend, go to town ♪
♪ Cow driiiiiiiiii... ♪
[ Mooing ]
♪ ...iiiiive ♪
Whip crack!
Oh, crap! Damn it!
Alright, just download an mp3 of a whip and let's go home.
Wait, no, I can do this!
[ Screams ]
[ Whip cracking, screaming ]
[ Moo! ]
Ahh!
♪♪
[ Groan! ]
Ahh!
It's defending itself, Steve!
Blasting your mind with the most horrible things imaginable!
Ahh!
♪♪
Ahh!
[ Creak! ]
[ Groan! ]
[ Crash! ]
It's all over.
You don't know how right you are.
No.
You had it wrong, Steve.
The orb wasn't waking the Nameless One.
It was the only thing keeping it asleep.
I never was able to bring myself to destroy it,
but then it showed me...
It showed me that you would do it for me.
And now, thanks to you, B'thazalom rises!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Roar! ]
Aw, [bleep] A!
You gotta admit, that's sick as hell.
[ Roar! ]
What have I done?
[ Roaring ]
♪♪
[ Cackles ]
There's only one true certainty in this world, Steve --
that eventually, it must end!
Why, Mr. Stormfront?
What's in all this for you?
Well, I assume I'll be rewarded with mighty cosmic power --
[ Splat! ]
Ahh!
[ Screaming ]
[ Roar! ]
♪♪
[ Screaming in distance ]
Natalie, what in the heck is all that racket out there?
Some kind of behemoth from beyond time and space,
Dr. Buckle.
Oh, for the love of Pete...
[ Screaming ]
[ Splat! ]
[ Sirens wail in distance ]
[ Gasping breath ]
♪♪
Oh, thank God! I'm not too late.
[ Roar! ]
Nooooo!
[ Tires squeal ]
Steve, get in!
You're alive!
Yeah, after you said all that crazy stuff,
we decided to pack up the car, just in case.
And when we didn't find you at the TV station --
You came back here to look for me?
Of course we did. We're your family.
And that's the one thing you can always be certain of.
I actually voted to leave you behind.
[ Tires squeal ]
Oh, God, it's horrible!
My whipping comeback went horrible!
Hang on, gang.
The world may be ending, but the Smiths
will always live on to have further adventures.
[ Roar! ]
Or maybe not.
It's too late.
This really is the end...
of...
everything.
[ Roar! ]
[ Humming sound in distance ]
♪♪
[ Humming getting louder ]
♪♪
Does anybody else hear that hum?
Well, here goes nothing.
Looks like I'll be taking my talents
to the Buckle Group's Cash Only Walk-In Urology Center.
I mean, but c'mon. You gotta do Channel 3.
Buh-bye. See you soon.