1 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:08,312 Now, what if I seat Stan next to Greg? 2 00:00:08,356 --> 00:00:11,228 It's aggressive, it's bold, and I love it. 3 00:00:11,272 --> 00:00:14,318 Francine, may I just say, using custom chess pieces 4 00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:15,711 to plan a dinner party... 5 00:00:15,754 --> 00:00:17,278 I'm having the time of my life. 6 00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:18,801 Well, I'm not. 7 00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:20,629 No matter how I play it out, 8 00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:22,848 three or four moves down the line, 9 00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:25,286 Klaus ruins my party by talking about 10 00:00:25,329 --> 00:00:28,202 Dan Bilzerian or 3-D printed guns 11 00:00:28,245 --> 00:00:30,030 or something else douchey. 12 00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:31,814 I need to go deeper. 13 00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:33,903 Horse tranquilizer, m'lady? 14 00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:38,038 [whooshing] 15 00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:40,040 [intense music plays] 16 00:00:42,694 --> 00:00:44,957 FRANCINE: Oookay! 17 00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:47,047 Tuttle mingles with you... 18 00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:48,831 Genius move, Francine. 19 00:00:48,874 --> 00:00:50,963 I could see us talkin' a little dog racing. 20 00:00:51,007 --> 00:00:53,140 But look over here at Parker Deay. 21 00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:55,881 Parker... Parker... Who is that? 22 00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:57,666 Screams "Zooka Sharks" a lot. 23 00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:59,233 The guy who takes Tinder dates out 24 00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:01,365 for hot-dog dinners at 7-Eleven? 25 00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:03,324 Love him. Okay, let's play this out. 26 00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:05,456 Good, good! 27 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,937 Your eyes are sliding around, so I assume it's working. 28 00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:09,460 Bacon-wrapped dates! 29 00:01:09,504 --> 00:01:12,333 Lava hot and wrapped real loose! 30 00:01:13,421 --> 00:01:15,249 - Where did everyone go? - They left. 31 00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:17,294 Klaus changed your Spotify playlist 32 00:01:17,338 --> 00:01:19,775 to a Marc Maron podcast from 2015. 33 00:01:19,818 --> 00:01:22,560 Ohhh, this one is classic! 34 00:01:22,604 --> 00:01:25,520 His guest is a comedian you've never heard of. 35 00:01:25,563 --> 00:01:27,391 Classic! 36 00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:30,481 [patriotic music plays] 37 00:01:30,525 --> 00:01:33,789 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪ 38 00:01:33,832 --> 00:01:37,140 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day♪ 39 00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:40,012 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face♪ 40 00:01:40,056 --> 00:01:44,104 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race♪ 41 00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:49,587 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say♪ 42 00:01:49,631 --> 00:01:51,850 - ♪ Good --♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪ 43 00:01:51,894 --> 00:01:52,851 Aah! 44 00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:57,378 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪ 45 00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:01,425 HAYLEY: Mom, your guests are arriving! 46 00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:02,861 One second! 47 00:02:02,905 --> 00:02:05,516 Just finishing up the table assignments! 48 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:10,434 Greg goes here, Tuttle here, and Klaus sits here. 49 00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,871 He-he-he-he-he. 50 00:02:12,915 --> 00:02:14,786 [indistinct chatter] 51 00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:16,875 Welcome to my dinner party! 52 00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:19,661 It's wonderful to see you all again. 53 00:02:19,704 --> 00:02:22,881 But maybe some of you don't know Hayley's friend Nerfer. 54 00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:25,667 Don't just stand there, introduce yourself. 55 00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:28,365 I'm Nerfer. I'm Hayley's friend. 56 00:02:28,409 --> 00:02:31,107 I already said that. What else? 57 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,109 I work at the Old Spaghetti Factory, 58 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,459 but the new location, which is pretty hilarious, 59 00:02:35,503 --> 00:02:38,462 because old and new are opposite words. 60 00:02:38,506 --> 00:02:41,422 Okay, that's enough. You can listen, too. 61 00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,119 Let's eat! 62 00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:47,079 The salad looks delicious. Nice produce. 63 00:02:47,123 --> 00:02:49,212 - Is this from my store? - God, no. 64 00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:51,171 But this tomato looks so familiar. 65 00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:53,477 Look, I didn't steal it from your store on Tuesday! 66 00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:55,305 Francine, you need to do something. 67 00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,873 Klaus's table is turning into the damn Last Supper. 68 00:02:57,916 --> 00:03:01,311 You hear "Bermuda Triangle" and you think "whoa," 69 00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,879 but it really is a beautiful area. 70 00:03:03,922 --> 00:03:05,837 It's crazy lush. 71 00:03:05,881 --> 00:03:07,317 I never thought of it that way. 72 00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:09,406 That's so interesting, Klaus! 73 00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:12,453 The world's a big, interesting place. 74 00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:14,585 I just try to keep my eyes open, you know? 75 00:03:14,629 --> 00:03:17,545 Ooh! Would you do your Will Arnett impression again? 76 00:03:17,588 --> 00:03:20,330 I really shouldn't -- "Oh, come on!" 77 00:03:20,374 --> 00:03:23,203 [laughter] 78 00:03:23,246 --> 00:03:25,161 Is everybody laughing at Klaus? 79 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,119 No, we're laughing with Klaus. 80 00:03:27,163 --> 00:03:28,817 [dramatic chord strikes] 81 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:32,168 So, you dogs are hungry for laughs? 82 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:35,432 Well, roll over. You got a bone coming your way. 83 00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:39,784 [goofy voice] Hello. I'm Mrs. Walrus. 84 00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,656 Anyone have any fish for me? 85 00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:44,485 Are those tampons in your mouth? 86 00:03:45,921 --> 00:03:47,836 Oh, tamp on! 87 00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,359 [laughter] 88 00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:50,447 [ding] 89 00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:51,579 [ominous music plays] 90 00:03:52,101 --> 00:03:54,364 [dramatic music plays] 91 00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:56,148 He winked at me, Stan! 92 00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:58,803 That little asshole winked! 93 00:03:58,847 --> 00:04:00,283 - At me! - Who winked? 94 00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:03,721 Klaus! He ruined my dinner party! 95 00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:05,854 - He did? - Of course he did! 96 00:04:05,897 --> 00:04:07,812 He monopolized every conversation 97 00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,466 I tried to butt into! 98 00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,729 Well, he's been working on his people skills. 99 00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:13,862 I think everybody really likes the new Klaus. 100 00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:16,908 Yeah, I'd like to "nuke Klaus," too. 101 00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:19,563 All the way [bleep] back to the stone age. 102 00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:21,478 Sounds like you're a little jealous Klaus 103 00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:23,088 got all the attention at your party. 104 00:04:23,132 --> 00:04:24,655 Oh, yeah? 105 00:04:24,699 --> 00:04:27,745 Well, it sounds like you're wasting dental floss, you idiot! 106 00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:30,574 [door slams] 107 00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:34,012 [muffled] I'm sorry I said you were upset, my love. 108 00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:39,975 Help me out with something, guys. 109 00:04:40,018 --> 00:04:41,368 Klaus sucks, right? 110 00:04:41,411 --> 00:04:43,500 I'm gonna have to reluctantly disagree. 111 00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:45,763 Have you talked to him about early cartoons? 112 00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:47,591 He's super knowledgeable. 113 00:04:47,635 --> 00:04:50,725 He's seen basically every Pluto short on Disney+. 114 00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:54,511 And all the Goofy features. 115 00:04:54,555 --> 00:04:55,773 [dramatic chord strikes] 116 00:04:55,817 --> 00:04:56,905 [moaning on computer] 117 00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:58,210 [door opens] 118 00:04:58,254 --> 00:04:59,995 Why's everyone obsessed with Klaus? 119 00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:02,084 I wouldn't say "obsessed." 120 00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:04,826 He's just -- I dunno -- likable, I guess. 121 00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,915 Have you heard him rap? He's pretty good. 122 00:05:06,958 --> 00:05:09,787 ♪ But you are what you eat, so I'm a vagina♪ 123 00:05:09,831 --> 00:05:11,485 - ♪ That means I eat [meows]♪ - Mm. 124 00:05:11,528 --> 00:05:13,487 The guy's an urban poet. 125 00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,576 Nobody likes you, Klaus. 126 00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:18,361 Oh, hey, Francine. Sick dinner party last night. 127 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:20,624 I don't know what all "this" is, 128 00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,887 but I want it to stop right now. 129 00:05:22,931 --> 00:05:25,716 Ah. Stan told me you were upset. 130 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,415 Look, I know I used to be a real piece of shit. 131 00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:29,720 Guilty! 132 00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:32,288 But, Francine, I've grown a lot. 133 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:35,509 Oh, wow, got a giant sequoia over here. 134 00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:39,948 All right, Mr. Growth, I'm gonna throw a real party tomorrow. 135 00:05:39,991 --> 00:05:43,125 A real party for bad bitches. 136 00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:45,170 We'll see who gets more attention. 137 00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:50,437 What the [bleep] am I looking at? 138 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,916 [dance music playing] 139 00:05:53,309 --> 00:05:55,703 Now this is a party. 140 00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:58,314 Everyone, give me your attention! 141 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,490 I think we can all agree 142 00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:02,971 last night's dinner party was terrible. 143 00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:04,538 Aw, I liked your dinner party. 144 00:06:04,581 --> 00:06:07,236 No, you didn't, Greg. I'll tell you what you like. 145 00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:08,846 Keg stands! 146 00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,108 No, I'd rather not. 147 00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:11,719 Grab his other leg, Roger. 148 00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:14,374 [rock music playing] 149 00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,767 - [gasps] - Uh-oh! 150 00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:18,421 The tap's broken! 151 00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:20,771 You gotta drink the whole keg! 152 00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:21,990 It's not broken! 153 00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:23,644 Shut up, freshman scum! 154 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,951 Ummm, Franny...? 155 00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:28,605 [gulping] 156 00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,955 [gasps] Wow! 157 00:06:30,999 --> 00:06:33,001 Is this mahogany? 158 00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:35,830 Thanks for noticing, Tuttle. It's not. 159 00:06:35,873 --> 00:06:38,354 Oh, Nerfer, the other night, you mentioned you like 160 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,270 hoppy IPAs, so I whipped up a home brew 161 00:06:41,313 --> 00:06:42,880 I think you'll enjoy. 162 00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:44,578 That's hecka posh. 163 00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:47,798 Tuttle, Nerfer, what the hell?! 164 00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:49,409 This is my party! 165 00:06:49,452 --> 00:06:51,541 You're supposed to be paying attention to me! 166 00:06:51,585 --> 00:06:53,978 Klaus is more interesting than you, okay?! 167 00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:55,545 You need to learn to accept that! 168 00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:58,635 I didn't want to do this, but you left me no choice. 169 00:06:58,679 --> 00:06:59,941 Gimme those! 170 00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:04,380 Everyone look at me! 171 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,905 The Amah-zing Francine will attempt 172 00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:12,475 a never-before-seen roof-to-pool jump! 173 00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:13,737 Is Mom okay? 174 00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,522 Oh, yeah, better than ever. 175 00:07:15,565 --> 00:07:17,698 Women are complicated, Steve. Don't drink that. 176 00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:19,526 I'm gonna leave. 177 00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:21,049 I'm gonna take off, too. 178 00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:23,530 Is everyone okay to drive? 179 00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:25,880 I can call each of you a vintage Yellow Cab. 180 00:07:25,923 --> 00:07:27,316 FRANCINE: Shut up, Klaus! 181 00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:28,883 - [glass shatters] - Nobody's leaving! 182 00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:30,667 I'm about to jump! 183 00:07:30,711 --> 00:07:32,147 3... 184 00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:33,844 2... 185 00:07:33,888 --> 00:07:35,280 [thud, clattering] 186 00:07:35,324 --> 00:07:36,934 [glass shatters] 187 00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:38,893 [thud, car alarm ringing] 188 00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:41,156 Well, at least she still has her dignity. 189 00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:44,028 FRANCINE: I pooped my swimsuit! 190 00:07:44,072 --> 00:07:46,074 I stand by my previous statement. 191 00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,513 [groans] 192 00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:53,037 Easy now. You had quite a fall. 193 00:07:53,081 --> 00:07:57,085 I saw them. My ancestors! 194 00:07:57,128 --> 00:08:00,784 All my dear, departed loved ones who died. 195 00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:02,351 They spoke to me. 196 00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,092 They told me they were just as confused 197 00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:06,616 as I was why anybody likes you. 198 00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:08,531 Even the caveman Francine! 199 00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:12,143 People like me because I work on myself, Francine. 200 00:08:12,187 --> 00:08:13,971 I've been following a strict lifestyle regimen 201 00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:16,191 developed by Mark Wahlberg. 202 00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:18,367 It forces me to grow physically, 203 00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:21,979 mentally, spiritually, metaphysically, metaspiritually, 204 00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:24,939 super-meta-spiri-physi- tastically! 205 00:08:24,982 --> 00:08:27,463 Okay, I made that one up as a joke. 206 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,986 I'm funny now, too. 207 00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:32,468 I can't believe I'm asking you this, but... 208 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,557 will you teach me how to grow, too? 209 00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:37,473 Of course! Congrats! 210 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,997 You're officially enrolled in Klaus college, 211 00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:42,086 a satellite campus of Wahlberg U. 212 00:08:44,959 --> 00:08:46,743 [horn squeals] 213 00:08:46,787 --> 00:08:49,050 Klaus, it's 2:00 a.m. 214 00:08:49,093 --> 00:08:52,009 You're on Wahlberg time now. 215 00:08:52,053 --> 00:08:54,795 As you can see, the schedule is rigorous. 216 00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:57,101 You'll start and end the day with a 5-mile run. 217 00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:59,669 In between, you'll be reading self-help books, 218 00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,671 meditating, belting out sea shanties, 219 00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:04,108 learning basic IT, more shanties, 220 00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:06,546 eating Wahlburgers, mastering Krav Maga, 221 00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:09,549 and you might even cook an exotic dish or two. 222 00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,072 This is crazy. 223 00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:13,291 There's no way Mark Wahlberg does all that. 224 00:09:13,335 --> 00:09:14,641 And then some. 225 00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:16,730 He's a big ol' Catholic! 226 00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:19,123 Hits up Mass 17 times a day 227 00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:22,431 and leaves a DVD copy of Shooter in every Bible. 228 00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:23,911 ♪ 229 00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:25,826 ♪ Yeah♪ 230 00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,479 ♪ You feel it, baby?♪ 231 00:09:27,523 --> 00:09:28,393 - [horn squeals] - ♪ It's such a good vibration♪ 232 00:09:28,437 --> 00:09:30,352 Pick it up! Be like me! 233 00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:31,571 Body and mind are one! 234 00:09:31,614 --> 00:09:33,311 ♪ It's such a sweet sensation♪ 235 00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:35,487 [horn squeals] 236 00:09:35,531 --> 00:09:38,142 ♪ The vibrations good like Sunkist♪ 237 00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:39,927 ♪ Many wanna know who done this♪ 238 00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:41,450 ♪ Marky Mark and I'm here to move you♪ 239 00:09:41,493 --> 00:09:43,147 - [horn squeals] - ♪ Rhymes will groove you♪ 240 00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:44,801 - ♪ And I'm here to prove to you♪ - Bang. 241 00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:46,498 ♪ That we can party on the positive side♪ 242 00:09:46,542 --> 00:09:47,456 ♪ And pump positive vibes, so come along for the ride♪ 243 00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:48,675 These burgers are terrible. 244 00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:51,112 Yes. Very, very bad. 245 00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:53,114 ♪ It's such a sweet sensation♪ 246 00:09:53,157 --> 00:09:54,985 Francine, what are you doing? 247 00:09:55,029 --> 00:09:57,379 I'm becoming more interesting... 248 00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,947 like Klaus... and Mark Wahlberg. 249 00:09:59,990 --> 00:10:02,079 Are you crazy? Klaus sucks! 250 00:10:02,123 --> 00:10:03,646 I'm sending you something to remind you 251 00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:04,952 what a loser Klaus is. 252 00:10:04,995 --> 00:10:06,388 [cellphone vibrates] 253 00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:07,737 - [beep] - KLAUS: Welcome back to 254 00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:10,131 my podcast, Klaus of Hearts, 255 00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:12,350 where we explore every interaction 256 00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:14,526 I've had with a woman at a blackjack table. 257 00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:17,225 Today, we'll be looking at Pechanga Casino 258 00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:20,358 on Christmas Eve, where dealer Janice F. 259 00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:23,448 refused to answer the simple icebreaker question, 260 00:10:23,492 --> 00:10:27,539 "Don't you think it's time to forgive Kevin Spacey?" 261 00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:29,585 FRANCINE: Klaus, where are you? 262 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,370 I'm returning your self-help books! 263 00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:36,287 I came to my senses and realize you suck again! 264 00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,854 [gears cranking] 265 00:10:39,943 --> 00:10:43,599 ♪ 266 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,775 Off-brand soda, 267 00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:48,648 off-brand Maxim magazine, 268 00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:51,041 filthy recliner? 269 00:10:51,085 --> 00:10:53,391 I knew it! 270 00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:55,393 You haven't changed, Klaus! 271 00:10:55,437 --> 00:10:57,700 You're a big phony scumbag! 272 00:10:57,744 --> 00:10:59,484 Oh, hi, Francine. 273 00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:01,138 - [bell dings] - Jeffrey, I'm about to reveal 274 00:11:01,182 --> 00:11:02,444 my sinister plan. 275 00:11:02,487 --> 00:11:04,576 Is my fedora rakishly askew? 276 00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:07,536 It's a strong look, Mr. Klaus! 277 00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:08,842 I think it's hideous. 278 00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,321 Aaaah! 279 00:11:10,365 --> 00:11:11,801 [bell dings] 280 00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:16,110 So, what? 281 00:11:16,153 --> 00:11:17,720 You hypnotized Jeff or something? 282 00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:20,027 Is it that obvious? 283 00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:21,724 [laughs] 284 00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:22,856 FRANCINE: I'm over this. 285 00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:23,900 No, wait! 286 00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:26,250 Okay, long story short, 287 00:11:26,294 --> 00:11:29,036 I learned to control people using a technique 288 00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:31,038 called "hypnotic anchoring." 289 00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:32,909 Sounds boring, and I don't get it. 290 00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:35,172 All right. How do I explain this? 291 00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:36,565 Have you seen the movie Get Out? 292 00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:38,175 - No. - Really? 293 00:11:38,219 --> 00:11:39,394 Have you seen Parasite? 294 00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:41,178 - Yeah. - Good. 295 00:11:41,222 --> 00:11:43,354 Not relevant here, but I'm glad you saw it. 296 00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:44,747 Bong Joon-ho, man. 297 00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:46,401 So sick. 298 00:11:46,444 --> 00:11:48,882 Anyways, I hypnotized people to love me. 299 00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:50,840 Take Jeff, for example. 300 00:11:50,884 --> 00:11:53,800 First, I learned all about Jeff. 301 00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,976 What makes him "tick," so to speak. 302 00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:59,153 And I discovered that Jeff really likes weed. 303 00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:00,458 I do! 304 00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:03,679 So I filled my notebook with fun facts and jokes 305 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,594 about marijuana. 306 00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:08,205 Stuff that would make Jeff smile. 307 00:12:08,249 --> 00:12:10,512 And every time he did... 308 00:12:10,555 --> 00:12:11,992 [bell dings] 309 00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:14,777 And after several hundred of those... 310 00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:16,605 Who do ya love, Jeff? 311 00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,476 I love Klaus! 312 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:23,003 Soon, everyone in town will think I'm so cool, 313 00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:25,745 they'll be under my absolute control. 314 00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:29,749 This is bogus, and I'm telling Stan about your secret lair. 315 00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:34,318 Hypnotizing you was my greatest challenge, by far. 316 00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:37,844 You resent me so much, I couldn't crack your psyche. 317 00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:41,412 So I looked to ultimate mind-bender Mark Wahlberg 318 00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:42,674 for inspiration. 319 00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,328 I'm not hypnotized. 320 00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:46,069 Remember this guy? 321 00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:48,942 - [gasps] Oh, my God! - [horn squeals] 322 00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:53,207 Now, tell me, Francine... 323 00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:55,644 how do I look? 324 00:12:55,687 --> 00:13:01,606 Klaus, I am loving your stupid fedora! 325 00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:04,348 Mmm. A little more hypnosis. 326 00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:06,133 [horn squealing] 327 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,573 [dramatic music plays] 328 00:13:13,357 --> 00:13:14,141 [gasps] What's happening?! 329 00:13:14,184 --> 00:13:15,838 Francine, you're back! 330 00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:18,623 - W-- Where am I? - You're in a cowboy tub. 331 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:21,713 I got us an Airbnb, far away from Klaus. 332 00:13:21,757 --> 00:13:24,368 Come inside. They've got a ton of incomplete board games. 333 00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:26,806 You like Trivial Pursuit without the questions? 334 00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:28,155 Where's the rest of the family? 335 00:13:28,198 --> 00:13:30,070 Oh, Francine, it's terrible. 336 00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:31,898 You were right about Klaus the whole time. 337 00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:34,248 - He hypnotized them all! - Where are they? 338 00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:35,902 - Are they okay? - I don't know. 339 00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:38,034 I only had room for one of you and my luggage. 340 00:13:38,078 --> 00:13:40,907 Roger, we need to go save them. 341 00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:43,213 It's just the desert is so hot during the day 342 00:13:43,257 --> 00:13:45,259 and so cold at night, it's like having to pack 343 00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:47,391 for both the beach and skiing! 344 00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,437 I probably didn't need the snowboard, though. 345 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,221 That could've been Steve, I guess. 346 00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:53,267 I guess I could've fit Hayley, too. 347 00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:54,616 Weird. 348 00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:57,793 I don't remember any border checkpoints before. 349 00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:00,709 State your business in Langley Falls. 350 00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:01,884 We live here? 351 00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:03,668 Better let me handle this, Fran. 352 00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:06,933 Hi, sir! Just so you know, we love Klaus so much. 353 00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:09,370 Klaus is the best, is what we say. 354 00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:12,547 The only reason we left Langley was to spread word of Klaus. 355 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:15,071 In summary, we [bleep] love Klaus. 356 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:16,899 [dramatic chord strikes] 357 00:14:18,248 --> 00:14:21,208 [eerie music plays] 358 00:14:23,906 --> 00:14:26,039 ♪ One, two, three, four♪ 359 00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:27,910 ♪ I wanna marry Klaus some more!♪ 360 00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:30,391 What the WTF? 361 00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:32,175 They wanna marry Klaus? 362 00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:34,917 Some more?! That's gross! 363 00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:37,398 [eerie music plays] 364 00:14:37,441 --> 00:14:38,790 You're gross! 365 00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:39,966 Drive, drive! 366 00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:42,011 [tires squeal] 367 00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:43,926 Did you hear me call them "gross"? 368 00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,319 Was that cool? 369 00:14:45,362 --> 00:14:47,147 I feel like I'm starring in Jackass! 370 00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:47,974 Watch out! 371 00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,890 - [gasps] - [tires squeal] 372 00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:59,899 ♪ 373 00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,726 There are few things in this world 374 00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:03,859 I hate more than traveling by foot. 375 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,252 [chime] 376 00:15:05,295 --> 00:15:07,428 KLAUS: It's your favorite dude, Klaus, 377 00:15:07,471 --> 00:15:10,605 telling you to have a blessed day. 378 00:15:13,564 --> 00:15:15,827 Is that Klaus on TV? 379 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,569 Langley is better than ever, Klaus. 380 00:15:18,613 --> 00:15:20,267 Why is that? 381 00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:22,965 Well, Greg, I made everyone think I'm cooler now, 382 00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,967 and the town is cooler as a result. 383 00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:27,491 - I don't think you're cooler. - What? 384 00:15:27,535 --> 00:15:29,754 I think you're the coolest. 385 00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:32,496 [laughs] Wonderful, wonderful! 386 00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,411 Do you see what he did there? 387 00:15:34,455 --> 00:15:36,152 Still, I don't like it. [snaps] 388 00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:42,593 Damn, he's hypnotized everybody. 389 00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:43,812 Be careful, Franny. 390 00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:45,553 People might think you don't love Klaus. 391 00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:46,771 Who doesn't love Klaus? 392 00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:48,643 - Francine Smith. - Roger! 393 00:15:48,686 --> 00:15:51,341 Sorry, Franny, but I'm a sucker for peer pressure. 394 00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:53,430 And the peers are a-pressurin'. 395 00:15:54,562 --> 00:15:56,607 [dramatic music plays] 396 00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:57,521 [gasps] 397 00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:02,091 Klauuuussss! 398 00:16:04,093 --> 00:16:05,660 [panting] 399 00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:10,621 [panting] 400 00:16:10,665 --> 00:16:12,449 Guys, I'm back! 401 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:17,106 Please, Stan, tell me you haven't fallen for Klaus! 402 00:16:17,672 --> 00:16:20,892 Klaaaaaauuuusss! 403 00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:23,547 ALL: Klaaaaaauuuusss! 404 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,421 There she is! 405 00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:31,077 Thank you, boys, for getting this menace off our streets. 406 00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:34,036 [coughing] 407 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,559 Where'd pink go? 408 00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:38,867 FRANCINE [muffled]: Help! 409 00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:41,435 Keep it down. You'll scare the cats. 410 00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:43,959 Sorry for the hood. I had to tidy up a bit. 411 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,527 Trust me, this place was a disaster. 412 00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:47,441 [cats meowing] 413 00:16:47,484 --> 00:16:49,225 You live in the sewers? 414 00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:51,184 It's not safe up there anymore. 415 00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,621 Me and Beezus just looked at each other one day, 416 00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:56,841 and we knew it was time to form the Resistance. 417 00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:57,973 [meows] 418 00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,280 So...how's it going? 419 00:17:00,323 --> 00:17:01,585 Pretty good! 420 00:17:01,629 --> 00:17:03,979 I sent a team of cats to breach Klaus's alcove, 421 00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:06,416 and, boy, did they deliver. 422 00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:07,417 [whistles] 423 00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:09,941 [meows] 424 00:17:11,943 --> 00:17:13,554 Boop! 425 00:17:13,597 --> 00:17:15,469 These cats are heroes. 426 00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:18,037 Klaus had entries for everyone in town. 427 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,996 "Francine Smith -- loves drinking, 428 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,347 jealous streak, mind-controlled by air horn." 429 00:17:24,391 --> 00:17:26,088 They also found this. 430 00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,568 It's a failsafe phrase 431 00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:30,310 to deactivate everyone Klaus hypnotized! 432 00:17:30,353 --> 00:17:32,921 "Enough with the hypnotism already." 433 00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:35,706 It's a good one. Fiendishly simple. 434 00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:37,404 If you can hijack Klaus's broadcast 435 00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:39,710 and shout that phrase, you'll save the town. 436 00:17:39,754 --> 00:17:41,756 You can count on me. 437 00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:45,803 I have one more question. 438 00:17:45,847 --> 00:17:47,631 May I play with your cats? 439 00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:51,287 ♪ Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon♪ 440 00:17:51,331 --> 00:17:58,164 ♪ You come and go♪ 441 00:17:58,207 --> 00:17:59,643 [crows cawing] 442 00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:05,258 Roger was right. 443 00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:07,477 Klaus is the perfect subject. 444 00:18:07,521 --> 00:18:09,479 Enough with the hypnotism already! 445 00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:11,655 [gasps] You're back! 446 00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:12,700 [grunts] 447 00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:15,006 I'm scared, Mom. 448 00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:16,834 Why was I painting Klaus? 449 00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:19,315 Because Klaus is mind-controlling everyone 450 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:22,144 from the TV studio in his alcove. 451 00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:26,453 He's ruined the entire town, and we're gonna stop him. 452 00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:27,541 [dramatic chord strikes] 453 00:18:27,584 --> 00:18:29,499 Enough with the hypnotism already! 454 00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:30,892 Aah! 455 00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:32,241 That's right, Klaus! 456 00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:34,287 I know how to deactivate everyone! 457 00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:35,331 [radio static] 458 00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,290 Code twenty-niner in the Alcove. 459 00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:38,900 Stan, what are you doing? 460 00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,510 Calling for backup. 461 00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:43,687 No offense, honey, but hypnosis showed me how cool Klaus is. 462 00:18:43,731 --> 00:18:46,125 Honestly, he deserves to be dictator of Langley. 463 00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:49,258 - [banging] - CROWD: Klaaaaaauuuusss! 464 00:18:49,302 --> 00:18:52,174 Maybe you should try thinking Klaus is cool. 465 00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:53,349 You just might find you like it. 466 00:18:53,393 --> 00:18:55,177 Why isn't this working? 467 00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:59,225 You broke the hypnosis, but you're too late. 468 00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:03,794 The belief in "cool Klaus" is buried way too deep. 469 00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:05,796 You lost, Francine. 470 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,189 Join the mob. 471 00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:08,843 Come on! 472 00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:11,454 I can't make them forget that he's cool. 473 00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:16,764 But what if I can make everyone remember he's not cool? 474 00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:17,895 Capture her, Stan! 475 00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:19,767 [dramatic music plays] 476 00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:22,030 [grunts] 477 00:19:22,073 --> 00:19:24,902 Enough with the hypnotism already! 478 00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:32,214 Even if they're not hypnotized, they're still gonna love me. 479 00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:35,174 I'm just getting warmed up, punk. 480 00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:37,263 Thanks to Mark Wahlberg, 481 00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:40,570 I'm now kind of trained in basic IT. 482 00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,920 ♪ 483 00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:45,836 Citizens of Langley, you call this cool? 484 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,362 Welcome back to Klaus of Hearts. 485 00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:51,712 Oh, shit. 486 00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:54,584 On this episode, I'm at the Hard Rock Casino, 487 00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:56,760 alone on my birthday -- 488 00:19:56,804 --> 00:19:58,632 the way I've learned to like it. 489 00:19:58,675 --> 00:20:01,722 Meanwhile, I'm trying to protect a bachelorette party 490 00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:04,681 from some creep I hear them whispering about. 491 00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:07,815 But the girls won't tell me what floor their room is on! 492 00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:10,644 I ordered a buttery nipple from the cocktail waitress, 493 00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:13,168 you know, to look like a G. 494 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:16,215 Then I got a call from an unknown number. 495 00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:19,174 I answered it to cement my G status. 496 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,307 And it was lucky I did, because it turned out 497 00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:24,614 to be my very last chance to act 498 00:20:24,658 --> 00:20:28,401 before the warranty ran out on my car or truck. 499 00:20:28,444 --> 00:20:31,621 Another great birthday in the books. 500 00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:34,668 ♪ This guy's a loser!♪ 501 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,630 ♪ Well, I still wanna watch TV♪ 502 00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:42,806 ♪ Mom!♪ 503 00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:45,853 ♪ I know I said you ruined my life♪ 504 00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:49,683 ♪ But I need you♪ 505 00:20:49,726 --> 00:20:54,427 ♪ Mommy!♪ 506 00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:55,471 Mommy! 507 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:57,995 Have a great night!