[ dreamy music plays ]
Daddy's home!
Another mission, uh, survived.
Oh, stan!
It's always such a relief to have you back --
Ew! You're soaked in sweat!
Where was your mission, inside a giant pair of ski boots?
We relocated a family for the witness protection program,
And part of that is actually helping the people move.
Dick made fun of me for wearing a back brace then
Threw his own back out trying to show off. It was awesome.
I had to move two pool tables by myself, but totally worth it.
Witness protection?! How exciting!
How did the people end up there? Did they see someone get iced?
Sorry. Those are state secrets.
Which is unfortunate for you
'cause this town's crawlin' with fascinating witnesses!
But I'm a vault, baby! These secrets die with me.
Unless I die after 2035.
That's when they become public domain.
Attention, please. I have an announcement.
I found my first gray hair.
And I couldn't be happier!
I'd always hoped to go full gray by the end of high school,
And this is the first step towards that silver-fox dream!
Like jamie lee curtis!
This is great news!
My boy is ready for a man's barber shop.
You can finally come to bushwhackers!
The haircuts are whatever, but the vibe's incredible.
We sit around for hours just choppin' it up.
Chopping what up? You know, "choppin' it up."
Gabbin', shootin' the shit,
Smokin' and jokin' without the smokin'.
Chit-chat on steroids. You're gonna love it.
Let's go!
Also, babe, on my walk this morning,
I made contact with a really big dog
And I finally found my dinosaur book and --
Jeff! What's up? Not much.
No. Why are you telling me
About every little thing in your life?
I am trying to read cinnabon's privacy policy.
Well, my memory's so bad that I know
If I don't tell you everything right away,
The important stuff will slip through the cracks.
How about this -- instead of telling me
Everything as it happens,
Write it all down in this notebook.
Oh, I get it!
And then I can go through it
And share the most important parts with you
No!
♪♪
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ♪
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ good -- ♪ ♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
♪♪
You ever see the show "cheers"?
I'm kinda the sam malone around here.
You have to be kirstie alley. Everyone else is taken.
Oh! No, I knew you were gonna say that!
-Oh, you... -That's tony. He's great.
He has a bunch of brothers who refuse to talk to him,
And he won't tell us why.
It was a soul-stirring episode.
No, no, no, no, no! No "masked singer" talk.
I wasn't able to watch last night 'cause I...
Was on...A date!
-Ooh! -Ha ha ha!
So, where'd you take tuttle's mom?
[ laughter ]
Yeah! Where'd you take my mom, tony?
My mom missed my ninth birthday party
'cause of a vicious yeast infection.
Uh...I'm, uh, sorry to hear that, stan.
Tony, this is my son, steve.
He just got his first gray hair.
I remember my first gray hair...
But it wasn't on my head.
[ laughter ]
Hey, steve, pretty soon
The whole town's gonna know about your gray hair.
Raymont here's a real blabbermouth.
Ha ha! It's true!
That's why I became a news director.
Lewis was talking about his peeee-nisssss!
So, my date last night. [ clippers buzzing ]
You'll never guess who it was with.
Dracula! Dracula's a funny guess!
Oh, uh, n-no, uh...
Guys, it was tanya from the nail salon across the street.
-He-yo! -Va-va-va voom!
[as dracula] suck your blood!
Hey, tony, want to see a picture of a rose?
It's got the reddest petals, like red on steroids!
Uh, I should, uh, probably focus on the kid's hair.
[ clippers buzzing ]
So, uh... H-how'd the date go?
Yeah. Did ya get lucky?
Actually, boys, I did get lucky...
'cause I forgot my wallet and she had to pay!
[ laughter ] classic tony!
Save that money, bitch!
[as dracula] who wants to hear more
About my mother's yeast infection?
♪♪
Another great trip to the barber shop.
Damn. I was on "fi-ah" today.
"steve got his hairs cut.
Mr. S got caught on fire.
Mrs. S is watching pornography on the living-room tv."
[ clicks tongue ]
Must have been cool seeing your dad in his element, huh?
I-it was -- it was fine, I guess.
You guess? Come on! Tell your mother how awesome I was.
I can't. Sure, you can!
It's not braggin' if you're talking about somebody else.
[ sighs ] dad, you were completely out of sync.
Every time you spoke,
The conversation came to a screeching halt.
No! I-I'm good at chopping it up.
I'm sam from "cheers"!
No chance. You're...
Gosh, I can't even give you the quiet guy with glasses
Who pops up like every 10 episodes.
You're so out of place, it'd be like if a character
From a completely different show came in the bar --
Maybe gargamel from "the smurfs"?
And I feel like that's even generous.
Nope. Unh-unh. We are going back to bushwhackers.
I'm gonna show you how wrong you are!
Woman on tv: Ooh! Hmm.
I think doctor throbber's weiner may have never been broken.
[ dreamy music plays ]
Well, I'm on your side, brian.
It sounds like vengeance was necessary.
The kid's neck is ready for another shave, tony.
Okay, what are we talking about?
I was just explaining to the fellas
Why the coast guard keeps coming around looking for me.
Coast guard, coast is clear, clear channel, english channel.
[british accent] go, bazooka sharks, guv'na!
[thinking] hmm. Not exactly a standing ovation.
But that's okay. Let's go with a classic.
[aloud] hey, have I ever shown you guys
This amazing picture of a rose?!
Steve: Gargamel...
[ snickering ]
[thinking] am I bad at chopping it up?
So I told him, "for a perfect ham sandwich,
The secret is... Uncooked black beans."
Secrets?! You want secrets?!
Well, tuttle's in the witness protection program
'cause he saw a bunch of murders!
Stan! How could you?!
Stan, if that's true, you basically just killed tuttle.
H-hey, we're -- we're just guys chopping it up, right?
What happens at bushwhackers s-stays at bushwhack--
Gotta go!
[ news sting plays ]
I'm receiving breaking news from my boss
With another "chop from the barber shop."
Langley falls' own al tuttle
Is in the witness protection program.
Is this station responsible for the certain death of al tuttle?
We blame the person who told us -- stan smith.
As always, our file photos come from pogofest 2017.
[ dreamy music plays ]
[ jeff sobbing loudly ]
I can't believe he's dead.
Goes to show, you can go at any moment,
No matter how perfect your body is.
If I'm god, I'd want that back, too.
This is tragic!
I was about to get tuttle to lend me 16 bucks.
I needed that 16! Why?
I'm getting sued for renting someone
An apartment I don't own.
It costs 16 bucks to park at the courthouse,
Where I will tell that person to go [bleep] himself.
[ feinting sobs ]
[hushed] you're doing great. We'll be done here soon,
Then we'll set you up with a new identity.
Thanks, stan -- oh, god!
I just miss you so much, buddy!
So sad! So unsuspicious!
Today we lay to rest al tuttle.
Tuttle was recently outed as a snitch
Against multiple crime families.
[ italian-style music plays ]
[ slurping ]
[ bones crack ]
But even more recently, he happened to die --
Murdered by one of the many prostitutes
He had grown to trust. [ fingers snap ]
But most importantly, tuttle is now very dead,
And anyone who came to town looking to kill him
Can head home.
God did the job for you.
I thought a prostitute killed him?
Uh, the -- the prostitute's name was god.
She was...Dutch, I believe.
No more questions. This funeral's over.
♪♪
Why all the long faces?
It's a beautiful day. Let's chop it up.
Is there any difference between heavy cream
And heavy whipping cream?
Yeah. They add a protein that makes it easier to whip.
Oh. Uh, well...
Tuttle's still alive! We faked the whole thing!
♪♪
Well, shit. Up and at 'em. Time for plan b.
I'm going, too?!
[ gunshot ] stan: Absolutely.
Your dad's been off his game, and I can't leave you thinking
That's how big stan operates.
Is this really a mission for a 14-year-old to be going on?!
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was talking to a gray-haired man.
Oh, my god!
Tuttle was dead, and now he's back to life!
Well, if tuttle's not dead...
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Man: Gold medal! Team u.S.A.!
This isn't a dream! This is really happening!
I know!
[ dreamy music plays ]
I think we lost 'em.
And if they do catch us, at least I'll die with friends,
Which I really never saw for myself.
We're gonna be fine. There's a safe house in vermont.
We just have to get there, notify the cia,
And they'll swoop in and reset everything for tuttle.
I liked my old life.
Now I'm gonna be shipped off to somewhere like antarctica.
I mean, it'll be a nice excuse to wear my new winter coat,
And there's gotta be good access to fresh fish.
Can't be much traffic.
Okay! I'm actually looking forward to it!
Mr. Tuttle, how'd you end up in witness protection anyway?
Well, back in my 20s, I lived in chicago...
[ harp strums ]
...And I suffered from horrible agoraphobia.
Didn't go outside for years.
And then one day I forced myself to face my fears.
But as luck would have it, chicago was hosting mob-con,
And there were a few families there
Who didn't care for each other.
[ squishing ]
Courtesy of the gambonis!
I saw a mob hit. And then another.
Strike four! Courtesy of the gambinos!
[ man gagging ]
Courtesy of the bingonis!
I had to testify in a whole mess of trials.
So I was placed in witness protection.
[ harp strums ]
But I choose to look at it as a blessing.
Otherwise, I never would have ended up in langley falls
And met you guys!
Geez. Meeting us is the blessing?
Ever wish you just let the mob kill ya instead?
[ both laugh ]
Ah, sometimes I wonder if they did
And this is actually hell!
[ both laugh ]
[gravelly voice] the devil lives in hell!
[ speaking in tongues ]
He, uh... Sure does, dad.
Damn. I'm really not good at choppin' it up, am I?
Dad, forget it.
Let's just focus on getting tuttle to --
[ brakes squeal ]
Dad, why are you pulling over?
Because it's not my fault.
I'm with a nerdy kid and a snitch loser.
I just need some new energy in here.
Dad, considering the circumstances,
We really shouldn't be inviting strangers into the car!
I'm kinda with steve on this, stan.
Can you two chill out?
I gotta get this chop-it-up monkey off my back.
Ah, don't worry. I'm harmless.
Except for one time when I was passing through chattanooga.
[ chuckles ] well, ya -- ya can't blame anyone
For what they do in chattanooga. [ both laugh ]
A friend of mine from the gym
Goes to europe, like, all the time.
And at that point, it was do or die,
So I pushed that octopus right in front of the train.
Can't blame anyone for what they do in chattanooga!
[ panting ]
Yeah, like the gentleman said --
Hitchhiker, I gotta say, you are a dazzling conversationalist.
Well, when you're a career hitchhiker, you have to be.
You rely on people wanting you in the car.
If you wanna keep the mileage going,
You gotta keep the convo going.
Did you just make that up?
No. Wow!
Would you be willing... To teach me?
Yes. If you allow me to take my shoes and socks off.
Deal!
Good, 'cause I just took 'em off.
And... You'll be able to tell.
[ window whirring ]
The sun is shining.
[ crows cawing ]
Two crows are fighting over a dildo.
Babe's gonna love this.
[ stomach growls ]
With all this writing, I forgot to eat lunch.
Better grab a popsicle.
Whoa! Two popsicles!
Wait. I had been doing something,
Something that was helping with my memory.
What was it?
Whoa! Two popsicles!
Whoa! Two crows fighting over a dildo!
Babe's gonna love this!
Hey, babe!
Whoa! Two popsicles!
[ ominous music plays ]
♪♪
[ insects chirping ]
Let's fire up a test convo, stan,
So I can see what I'm working with.
Tuttle, start us off, chief.
O-kay, well, uh, I, for one,
Am really enjoying all the stars in the sky.
Yeah. Don't get this in the big city.
I saw a video on youtube of a rat dying!
Okay. We'll pause there.
Let's start with a concept called "fit,"
And that's gonna be a three-pronger
For a guy like you, stan.
One, does what I have to say fit
With the subject of the conversation?
At all? Interesting.
Steve, write all this down for me, 'kay?
Two, does it fit with the tone?
Happy versus sad, nice versus mean.
And, three, does it fit, just, like, space-wise?
Because if someone else is already talking,
The -- the answer is no.
Make sense?
Steve, go ahead and read all that back to me.
Anyone can string words together --
Gravel, thunder, swimming pool.
Oh, yeah, that sounds nice!
No, stan, that's actually the opposite of what I'm saying.
90% of talking... Is listening.
[ crash, tires screech ]
Aah! They found us!
That guy's from the funeral, dad!
Mangia this bullet, you snitch!
[ horn blares ]
That was too close, dad! W-we gotta be more careful!
You saw what happened to that guy,
And you think we should be more careful?
Stan: Here it is, the safe house.
Uh, dad, why aren't you, uh, getting out?
I think you and I both know why I'm not getting out.
I've gotta keep driving around with hitchhiker.
I'm this close to choppin' it up like a master.
-No, you're not. -Shut up!
See? We're already ribbin' each other.
No, we're not. Damn you to hell!
You guys head in. I'll be back in no time.
You see how close I am.
Dad, don't go!
Well, steve, I guess that puts you in charge.
[ wind whistling ]
Cyborg #1: Over there!
[ eerie music plays ]
Cyborg #2: Whoa.
[ beeping ] what's this?
[ rapid beeping ]
Guys, I'm back!
The hitchhiker told me he couldn't teach me anything more
And then just walked into the ocean.
Stan: There you boneheads are!
Come on! Let's chop it up!
Pointing? Okay. How about...
Nice point. You should be a pencil for Halloween!
[ laughter ]
See? These guys get it.
No. We're laughin' at you.
Uhp. Rude dude alert.
[ dreamy music plays ]
♪♪
How long after I left did the mafia get here?
Like right away. Maybe two minutes?
Okay. Good. I don't have to feel bad
About stopping for dinner with hitchhiker.
Wouldn't have changed anything.
Our three families have been warring for decades,
But looking for you, tuttle,
Has brought us together peacefully!
So...Does that mean you're not gonna kill me?
Oh, no, we're definitely killing you.
Please! You can't! Is he perfect? No!
But he's a good guy, and I'll feel responsible if he dies.
Nah, you won't feel anything. You'll be dead, too.
Not taking care of witnesses
Is kinda how we ended up in this mess.
Plus, this way, each family gets to kill one person,
Which'll keep things fair in our uneasy alliance.
Just give us a minute to decide who kills who.
I'm sorry chopping it up brought us to this.
It happens! It's just...
I'm your hero in every other aspect of life.
You are?
I couldn't handle even one teeny, tiny area
Where you didn't look at me as an absolute god.
But fortunately no one has to die,
Because big stan has a plan.
What you've both forgotten is that
I'm a master of chopping it up now.
[ sighs ]
I'm gonna go chat with the mafia guys,
And when they're completely engrossed,
You two slip out the back and call the police.
All that's gonna do is get you shot first!
Stan. You got this.
Thanks, tuttle.
Alright. [ inhales sharply ] game time, bitches.
[ mafiosos whispering ]
[ gun cocks ] can I do this guy?
[ whimpers ]
Uh, you guys wanna see
A picture of a rose?
Sure. We'll check it out.
-Oh, it's beautiful! -Soooo red!
And I'm just now appreciatin' that strong, spiky stem!
I'd gladly receive a kiss from this rose.
Ha! Like the song!
[ laughter ]
He's doin' it! He's choppin' it up!
Such a nicely composed photo. Did you take this?
Yeah, I took it. Off the internet!
[ laughter ]
[ laughter fading ]
Feminine voice: And, class, stan was so good at conversing now
That he used his silver tongue
To actually "chop up" the bad guys.
It's all here in "the book of fischer."
After our lord and savior, tuttle, died and rose again,
This was the first miracle he performed --
Giving an ordinary man the ability
To chop up wrongdoers with his words.
[ whirring ] all: Whoa!
How do we know any of this is true?
Part of being a tuttle's witness is faith.
Once you have truly welcomed tuttle into your life,
You'll know in your heart that everything
In "the book of fischer" is true,
Every story enlightening,
Every spelling mistake meaningful.
But wait a second.
How did the prophet fischer even record this story?
It happened after his book was entombed in the refrigerator.
Uh...Not all stories are told linearly.
Time to color in your picture of a rose.
[ whirring ]
[ buzzing ]
Uh, you guys wanna see a picture of a rose?
[ whimpers ] [ gunshots ]
[ clicking ]
Tuttle, easy. I-it's over.
What the hell, tuttle?! We had a plan!
The rose was about to do its thing!
Have you had that gun the whole time?
Yeah, I've been a marked man for 20 years.
But I've never had to use it before.
Well, everyone who knew you were alive is dead.
So I guess you can either go back to langley falls
Or your life before that.
Uh, I'll go back to langley.
That's where I have the most friends.
Ha! I'll never be as funny as you are, tuttle.
Do we have to do something about this?
It's a safe house, not an airbnb.
We don't have to "load the dishwasher" before we go.
Mom: "the parable of chopping it up"
Is one of my favorites.
Can we go to mccyberdonald's on the way home?
Ask your father. Here he comes.
[ whooshing ]
Still alive and kickin' after all these years!
Pretty annoying how everyone worships jeff now,
But gotta put up with it...
'cause I can't get enough of these sexy robot people!
[ smooching ]
[giggling] stop!
[ whoosh ]