1
00:00:00,867 --> 00:00:03,235
[ dreamy music plays ]
2
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,408
Daddy's home!
3
00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:12,611
Another mission,
uh, survived.
4
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:13,812
Oh, stan!
5
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,481
It's always such a relief
to have you back --
6
00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:19,418
Ew!
You're soaked in sweat!
7
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:22,687
Where was your mission, inside
a giant pair of ski boots?
8
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,490
We relocated a family for
the witness protection program,
9
00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:27,626
And part of that is actually
helping the people move.
10
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,894
Dick made fun of me for
wearing a back brace then
11
00:00:29,896 --> 00:00:32,631
Threw his own back out trying
to show off. It was awesome.
12
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:35,567
I had to move two pool tables
by myself, but totally worth it.
13
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:38,837
Witness protection?!
How exciting!
14
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:42,307
How did the people end up there?
Did they see someone get iced?
15
00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:43,375
Sorry.
Those are state secrets.
16
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,977
Which is unfortunate
for you
17
00:00:44,979 --> 00:00:47,912
'cause this town's crawlin'
with fascinating witnesses!
18
00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:51,249
But I'm a vault, baby!
These secrets die with me.
19
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:52,917
Unless I die after 2035.
20
00:00:52,919 --> 00:00:54,519
That's when they become
public domain.
21
00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:57,990
Attention, please.
I have an announcement.
22
00:00:57,992 --> 00:01:01,059
I found
my first gray hair.
23
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,796
And I couldn't
be happier!
24
00:01:03,798 --> 00:01:06,799
I'd always hoped to go full gray
by the end of high school,
25
00:01:06,801 --> 00:01:11,403
And this is the first step
towards that silver-fox dream!
26
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,271
Like jamie lee curtis!
27
00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:14,873
This is great news!
28
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:17,742
My boy is ready
for a man's barber shop.
29
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:19,878
You can finally come
to bushwhackers!
30
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,547
The haircuts are whatever,
but the vibe's incredible.
31
00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:24,883
We sit around for hours
just choppin' it up.
32
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:27,285
Chopping what up?
You know, "choppin' it up."
33
00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:28,687
Gabbin',
shootin' the shit,
34
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,222
Smokin' and jokin'
without the smokin'.
35
00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:32,624
Chit-chat on steroids.
You're gonna love it.
36
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:34,158
Let's go!
37
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,628
Also, babe,
on my walk this morning,
38
00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:39,297
I made contact
with a really big dog
39
00:01:39,299 --> 00:01:41,433
And I finally found
my dinosaur book and --
40
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,568
Jeff! What's up?
Not much.
41
00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:45,170
No.
Why are you telling me
42
00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:46,971
About every little thing
in your life?
43
00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:49,774
I am trying to read
cinnabon's privacy policy.
44
00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,910
Well, my memory's so bad
that I know
45
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:54,246
If I don't tell you
everything right away,
46
00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:56,781
The important stuff
will slip through the cracks.
47
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:59,251
How about this --
instead of telling me
48
00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:00,853
Everything as it happens,
49
00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:02,721
Write it all down
in this notebook.
50
00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,122
Oh, I get it!
51
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,724
And then I can
go through it
52
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:08,193
And share the most important
parts with you
53
00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:09,628
No!
54
00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:13,866
♪♪
55
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:16,268
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
56
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:20,205
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
57
00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:23,208
♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
58
00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:27,846
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the american race ♪
59
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:32,885
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
60
00:02:32,887 --> 00:02:35,820
♪ good -- ♪
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
61
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:36,689
Aah!
62
00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:41,359
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
63
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:43,762
♪♪
64
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,564
You ever see
the show "cheers"?
65
00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,632
I'm kinda the sam malone
around here.
66
00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:50,102
You have to be kirstie alley.
Everyone else is taken.
67
00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:51,570
Oh! No, I knew
you were gonna say that!
68
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,705
-Oh, you...
-That's tony. He's great.
69
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,974
He has a bunch of brothers
who refuse to talk to him,
70
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:57,309
And he won't tell us why.
71
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,778
It was a soul-stirring
episode.
72
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:02,381
No, no, no, no, no!
No "masked singer" talk.
73
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:05,049
I wasn't able to watch
last night 'cause I...
74
00:03:05,051 --> 00:03:06,451
Was on...A date!
75
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:08,052
-Ooh!
-Ha ha ha!
76
00:03:08,054 --> 00:03:10,455
So, where'd you take
tuttle's mom?
77
00:03:10,457 --> 00:03:11,790
[ laughter ]
78
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:14,526
Yeah! Where'd you
take my mom, tony?
79
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,861
My mom missed
my ninth birthday party
80
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,464
'cause of a vicious
yeast infection.
81
00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:24,068
Uh...I'm, uh, sorry
to hear that, stan.
82
00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:25,670
Tony,
this is my son, steve.
83
00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:27,472
He just got his first
gray hair.
84
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:29,741
I remember
my first gray hair...
85
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,411
But it wasn't on my head.
86
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:33,946
[ laughter ]
87
00:03:33,948 --> 00:03:35,080
Hey, steve, pretty soon
88
00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:37,616
The whole town's gonna know
about your gray hair.
89
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:39,551
Raymont here's
a real blabbermouth.
90
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,486
Ha ha! It's true!
91
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:43,756
That's why I became
a news director.
92
00:03:43,758 --> 00:03:46,892
Lewis was talking about
his peeee-nisssss!
93
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,429
So, my date last night.
[ clippers buzzing ]
94
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:53,565
You'll never guess
who it was with.
95
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,100
Dracula!
Dracula's a funny guess!
96
00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:57,902
Oh, uh, n-no, uh...
97
00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:00,572
Guys, it was tanya from the
nail salon across the street.
98
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,240
-He-yo!
-Va-va-va voom!
99
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,842
[as dracula]
suck your blood!
100
00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:06,511
Hey, tony, want to see
a picture of a rose?
101
00:04:06,513 --> 00:04:09,848
It's got the reddest petals,
like red on steroids!
102
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:13,318
Uh, I should, uh, probably
focus on the kid's hair.
103
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,187
[ clippers buzzing ]
104
00:04:15,189 --> 00:04:18,323
So, uh...
H-how'd the date go?
105
00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:19,992
Yeah.
Did ya get lucky?
106
00:04:19,994 --> 00:04:23,595
Actually, boys,
I did get lucky...
107
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:27,199
'cause I forgot my wallet
and she had to pay!
108
00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:29,668
[ laughter ]
classic tony!
109
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,470
Save that money,
bitch!
110
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,937
[as dracula]
who wants to hear more
111
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:35,641
About my mother's
yeast infection?
112
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:39,944
♪♪
113
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,347
Another great trip
to the barber shop.
114
00:04:42,349 --> 00:04:44,549
Damn. I was on "fi-ah"
today.
115
00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:47,686
"steve got
his hairs cut.
116
00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:51,289
Mr. S got caught on fire.
117
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:55,627
Mrs. S is watching pornography
on the living-room tv."
118
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,362
[ clicks tongue ]
119
00:04:57,364 --> 00:04:59,832
Must have been cool seeing
your dad in his element, huh?
120
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:02,234
I-it was --
it was fine, I guess.
121
00:05:02,236 --> 00:05:05,904
You guess? Come on! Tell your
mother how awesome I was.
122
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,239
I can't.
Sure, you can!
123
00:05:07,241 --> 00:05:10,775
It's not braggin' if you're
talking about somebody else.
124
00:05:10,777 --> 00:05:13,712
[ sighs ] dad, you were
completely out of sync.
125
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:15,113
Every time you spoke,
126
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:17,782
The conversation came
to a screeching halt.
127
00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:20,318
No! I-I'm good
at chopping it up.
128
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,120
I'm sam from "cheers"!
129
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,455
No chance. You're...
130
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:25,924
Gosh, I can't even give you
the quiet guy with glasses
131
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,992
Who pops up like
every 10 episodes.
132
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:31,463
You're so out of place,
it'd be like if a character
133
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:34,599
From a completely different show
came in the bar --
134
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:36,068
Maybe gargamel
from "the smurfs"?
135
00:05:36,070 --> 00:05:38,002
And I feel like
that's even generous.
136
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,739
Nope. Unh-unh. We are going
back to bushwhackers.
137
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,875
I'm gonna show you
how wrong you are!
138
00:05:42,877 --> 00:05:45,810
Woman on tv: Ooh!
Hmm.
139
00:05:45,812 --> 00:05:50,683
I think doctor throbber's weiner
may have never been broken.
140
00:05:50,685 --> 00:05:53,618
[ dreamy music plays ]
141
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,420
Well, I'm on your side,
brian.
142
00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:57,822
It sounds like
vengeance was necessary.
143
00:05:57,824 --> 00:06:00,425
The kid's neck is ready
for another shave, tony.
144
00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:01,694
Okay, what are we
talking about?
145
00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:03,361
I was just explaining
to the fellas
146
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,898
Why the coast guard keeps
coming around looking for me.
147
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:08,701
Coast guard, coast is clear,
clear channel, english channel.
148
00:06:08,703 --> 00:06:11,970
[british accent]
go, bazooka sharks, guv'na!
149
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:14,573
[thinking] hmm. Not exactly
a standing ovation.
150
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:17,175
But that's okay.
Let's go with a classic.
151
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,777
[aloud] hey, have I ever
shown you guys
152
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:21,646
This amazing picture
of a rose?!
153
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:23,448
Steve:
Gargamel...
154
00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:24,983
Gargamel...
155
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,851
Gargamel...
[ snickering ]
156
00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:28,853
[thinking]
am I bad at chopping it up?
157
00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:31,790
So I told him, "for
a perfect ham sandwich,
158
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:35,860
The secret is...
Uncooked black beans."
159
00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:37,195
Secrets?!
You want secrets?!
160
00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:39,531
Well, tuttle's in the witness
protection program
161
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:40,933
'cause he saw
a bunch of murders!
162
00:06:40,935 --> 00:06:42,867
Stan!
How could you?!
163
00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:46,138
Stan, if that's true, you
basically just killed tuttle.
164
00:06:46,140 --> 00:06:49,074
H-hey, we're -- we're just guys
chopping it up, right?
165
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,476
What happens at bushwhackers
s-stays at bushwhack--
166
00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:52,877
Gotta go!
167
00:06:52,879 --> 00:06:54,813
[ news sting plays ]
168
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:57,015
I'm receiving breaking news
from my boss
169
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,351
With another
"chop from the barber shop."
170
00:06:59,353 --> 00:07:01,219
Langley falls' own al tuttle
171
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,288
Is in the witness
protection program.
172
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:06,558
Is this station responsible for
the certain death of al tuttle?
173
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,894
We blame the person
who told us -- stan smith.
174
00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:13,966
As always, our file photos
come from pogofest 2017.
175
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,271
[ dreamy music plays ]
176
00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:23,075
[ jeff sobbing loudly ]
177
00:07:23,077 --> 00:07:25,611
I can't believe
he's dead.
178
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:28,013
Goes to show,
you can go at any moment,
179
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:30,082
No matter
how perfect your body is.
180
00:07:30,084 --> 00:07:32,684
If I'm god,
I'd want that back, too.
181
00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:34,019
This is tragic!
182
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:37,489
I was about to get tuttle
to lend me 16 bucks.
183
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:40,091
I needed that 16!
Why?
184
00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:41,559
I'm getting sued
for renting someone
185
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:42,961
An apartment
I don't own.
186
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,030
It costs 16 bucks to park
at the courthouse,
187
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:48,366
Where I will tell that person
to go [bleep] himself.
188
00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:51,769
[ feinting sobs ]
189
00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:53,839
[hushed] you're doing great.
We'll be done here soon,
190
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,907
Then we'll set you up
with a new identity.
191
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,843
Thanks, stan --
oh, god!
192
00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:00,045
I just miss you
so much, buddy!
193
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:04,782
So sad!
So unsuspicious!
194
00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:07,653
Today we lay to rest
al tuttle.
195
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,721
Tuttle was recently outed
as a snitch
196
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:11,523
Against multiple crime families.
197
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:13,058
[ italian-style music plays ]
198
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,660
[ slurping ]
199
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,261
[ bones crack ]
200
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:19,331
But even more recently,
he happened to die --
201
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:21,333
Murdered by one of
the many prostitutes
202
00:08:21,335 --> 00:08:23,268
He had grown to trust.
[ fingers snap ]
203
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:26,338
But most importantly,
tuttle is now very dead,
204
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:28,273
And anyone who came to town
looking to kill him
205
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,607
Can head home.
206
00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:30,942
God did the job for you.
207
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,145
I thought a prostitute
killed him?
208
00:08:33,147 --> 00:08:35,813
Uh, the --
the prostitute's name was god.
209
00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:38,016
She was...Dutch, I believe.
210
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,152
No more questions.
This funeral's over.
211
00:08:40,154 --> 00:08:43,221
♪♪
212
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,356
Why all the long faces?
213
00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:46,358
It's a beautiful day.
Let's chop it up.
214
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,626
Is there any difference
between heavy cream
215
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:50,228
And heavy whipping cream?
216
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:53,499
Yeah. They add a protein
that makes it easier to whip.
217
00:08:53,501 --> 00:08:55,901
Oh. Uh, well...
218
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,636
Tuttle's still alive!
We faked the whole thing!
219
00:08:58,638 --> 00:09:00,839
♪♪
220
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:03,775
Well, shit. Up and at 'em.
Time for plan b.
221
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:05,043
I'm going, too?!
222
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,578
[ gunshot ]
stan: Absolutely.
223
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:09,114
Your dad's been off his game,
and I can't leave you thinking
224
00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:10,516
That's how big stan
operates.
225
00:09:10,518 --> 00:09:13,719
Is this really a mission for
a 14-year-old to be going on?!
226
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:17,655
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was
talking to a gray-haired man.
227
00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:19,391
Oh, my god!
228
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:22,528
Tuttle was dead,
and now he's back to life!
229
00:09:22,530 --> 00:09:24,796
Well, if tuttle's
not dead...
230
00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,932
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
231
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:30,468
Man:
Gold medal! Team u.S.A.!
232
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:33,271
This isn't a dream!
This is really happening!
233
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:34,740
I know!
234
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:38,676
[ dreamy music plays ]
235
00:09:38,678 --> 00:09:40,145
I think we lost 'em.
236
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:43,215
And if they do catch us,
at least I'll die with friends,
237
00:09:43,217 --> 00:09:45,417
Which I really never saw
for myself.
238
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:48,019
We're gonna be fine. There's
a safe house in vermont.
239
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:50,088
We just have to get there,
notify the cia,
240
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,758
And they'll swoop in and
reset everything for tuttle.
241
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,426
I liked my old life.
242
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:57,162
Now I'm gonna be shipped off
to somewhere like antarctica.
243
00:09:57,164 --> 00:10:00,165
I mean, it'll be a nice excuse
to wear my new winter coat,
244
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:03,501
And there's gotta be
good access to fresh fish.
245
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,103
Can't be much traffic.
246
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,972
Okay! I'm actually
looking forward to it!
247
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:10,108
Mr. Tuttle, how'd you end up
in witness protection anyway?
248
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,578
Well, back in my 20s,
I lived in chicago...
249
00:10:12,580 --> 00:10:13,979
[ harp strums ]
250
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:16,848
...And I suffered from
horrible agoraphobia.
251
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,250
Didn't go outside for years.
252
00:10:18,252 --> 00:10:24,055
And then one day I forced myself
to face my fears.
253
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:28,326
But as luck would have it,
chicago was hosting mob-con,
254
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:30,195
And there were
a few families there
255
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,264
Who didn't care for each other.
256
00:10:32,266 --> 00:10:33,865
[ squishing ]
257
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:36,067
Courtesy of the gambonis!
258
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,870
I saw a mob hit.
And then another.
259
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:42,274
Strike four!
Courtesy of the gambinos!
260
00:10:42,276 --> 00:10:44,142
[ man gagging ]
261
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:47,145
Courtesy of the bingonis!
262
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:50,282
I had to testify
in a whole mess of trials.
263
00:10:50,284 --> 00:10:52,751
So I was placed
in witness protection.
264
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,886
[ harp strums ]
265
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:57,423
But I choose to look at it
as a blessing.
266
00:10:57,425 --> 00:11:00,426
Otherwise, I never would have
ended up in langley falls
267
00:11:00,428 --> 00:11:01,760
And met you guys!
268
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:04,362
Geez. Meeting us
is the blessing?
269
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:06,965
Ever wish you just let
the mob kill ya instead?
270
00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:08,300
[ both laugh ]
271
00:11:08,302 --> 00:11:10,502
Ah, sometimes I wonder
if they did
272
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,370
And this is actually hell!
273
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:13,505
[ both laugh ]
274
00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:15,907
[gravelly voice]
the devil lives in hell!
275
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,910
[ speaking in tongues ]
276
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,579
He, uh...
Sure does, dad.
277
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:24,516
Damn. I'm really not good
at choppin' it up, am I?
278
00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:25,784
Dad, forget it.
279
00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:27,585
Let's just focus
on getting tuttle to --
280
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:28,920
[ brakes squeal ]
281
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,255
Dad, why are you
pulling over?
282
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:31,857
Because
it's not my fault.
283
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,259
I'm with a nerdy kid
and a snitch loser.
284
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:37,595
I just need some new energy
in here.
285
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:39,797
Dad, considering
the circumstances,
286
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:42,334
We really shouldn't be
inviting strangers into the car!
287
00:11:42,336 --> 00:11:44,803
I'm kinda with steve
on this, stan.
288
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:46,338
Can you two chill out?
289
00:11:46,340 --> 00:11:48,406
I gotta get this chop-it-up
monkey off my back.
290
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:50,275
Ah, don't worry.
I'm harmless.
291
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:53,411
Except for one time when I was
passing through chattanooga.
292
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:56,214
[ chuckles ] well, ya --
ya can't blame anyone
293
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,017
For what they do in chattanooga.
[ both laugh ]
294
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,352
A friend of mine
from the gym
295
00:12:00,354 --> 00:12:02,755
Goes to europe,
like, all the time.
296
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:07,225
And at that point,
it was do or die,
297
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:10,628
So I pushed that octopus
right in front of the train.
298
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,898
Can't blame anyone for what
they do in chattanooga!
299
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:13,965
[ panting ]
300
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:15,633
Yeah, like
the gentleman said --
301
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:19,104
Hitchhiker, I gotta say, you are
a dazzling conversationalist.
302
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:21,573
Well, when you're a career
hitchhiker, you have to be.
303
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,509
You rely on people
wanting you in the car.
304
00:12:23,511 --> 00:12:25,243
If you wanna keep
the mileage going,
305
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,245
You gotta keep
the convo going.
306
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,780
Did you just
make that up?
307
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,315
No.
Wow!
308
00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:32,584
Would you be willing...
To teach me?
309
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:35,987
Yes. If you allow me to take
my shoes and socks off.
310
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,122
Deal!
311
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:39,191
Good, 'cause I just
took 'em off.
312
00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:41,126
And...
You'll be able to tell.
313
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:44,330
[ window whirring ]
314
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:47,999
The sun is shining.
315
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,601
[ crows cawing ]
316
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:53,872
Two crows are fighting
over a dildo.
317
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,741
Babe's gonna love this.
318
00:12:55,743 --> 00:12:57,142
[ stomach growls ]
319
00:12:57,144 --> 00:13:00,011
With all this writing,
I forgot to eat lunch.
320
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,947
Better grab a popsicle.
321
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,984
Whoa! Two popsicles!
322
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,157
Wait.
I had been doing something,
323
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:15,427
Something that was helping
with my memory.
324
00:13:15,429 --> 00:13:17,095
What was it?
325
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,564
Whoa! Two popsicles!
326
00:13:18,566 --> 00:13:22,034
Whoa! Two crows
fighting over a dildo!
327
00:13:22,036 --> 00:13:24,502
Babe's gonna love this!
328
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:25,904
Hey, babe!
329
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,839
Whoa! Two popsicles!
330
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,908
[ ominous music plays ]
331
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:34,780
♪♪
332
00:13:34,782 --> 00:13:36,782
[ insects chirping ]
333
00:13:36,784 --> 00:13:38,917
Let's fire up
a test convo, stan,
334
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:40,318
So I can see
what I'm working with.
335
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,387
Tuttle,
start us off, chief.
336
00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:45,257
O-kay, well, uh,
I, for one,
337
00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:48,526
Am really enjoying
all the stars in the sky.
338
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:51,063
Yeah. Don't get this
in the big city.
339
00:13:51,065 --> 00:13:53,932
I saw a video on youtube
of a rat dying!
340
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,333
Okay.
We'll pause there.
341
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,335
Let's start with a concept
called "fit,"
342
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,070
And that's gonna be
a three-pronger
343
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,472
For a guy like you, stan.
344
00:14:00,474 --> 00:14:02,941
One, does what
I have to say fit
345
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,143
With the subject
of the conversation?
346
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:06,544
At all?
Interesting.
347
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:09,281
Steve, write all this down
for me, 'kay?
348
00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:12,217
Two, does it fit
with the tone?
349
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:15,687
Happy versus sad,
nice versus mean.
350
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:19,357
And, three, does it fit,
just, like, space-wise?
351
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,960
Because if someone else
is already talking,
352
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,561
The -- the answer is no.
353
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:24,930
Make sense?
354
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:29,234
Steve, go ahead and read
all that back to me.
355
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,903
Anyone can string words
together --
356
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,439
Gravel, thunder,
swimming pool.
357
00:14:33,441 --> 00:14:35,507
Oh, yeah,
that sounds nice!
358
00:14:35,509 --> 00:14:38,110
No, stan, that's actually
the opposite of what I'm saying.
359
00:14:38,112 --> 00:14:41,179
90% of talking...
Is listening.
360
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,380
[ crash, tires screech ]
361
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,450
Aah! They found us!
362
00:14:44,452 --> 00:14:46,784
That guy's
from the funeral, dad!
363
00:14:46,786 --> 00:14:48,654
Mangia this bullet,
you snitch!
364
00:14:48,656 --> 00:14:49,922
[ horn blares ]
365
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:55,060
That was too close, dad!
W-we gotta be more careful!
366
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,728
You saw what happened
to that guy,
367
00:14:56,730 --> 00:15:00,065
And you think
we should be more careful?
368
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,935
Stan:
Here it is, the safe house.
369
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:08,740
Uh, dad, why aren't you,
uh, getting out?
370
00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:11,609
I think you and I both know
why I'm not getting out.
371
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:13,479
I've gotta keep driving around
with hitchhiker.
372
00:15:13,481 --> 00:15:15,747
I'm this close to
choppin' it up like a master.
373
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,082
-No, you're not.
-Shut up!
374
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:19,151
See? We're already
ribbin' each other.
375
00:15:19,153 --> 00:15:20,285
No, we're not.
Damn you to hell!
376
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:23,021
You guys head in.
I'll be back in no time.
377
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:24,490
You see how close I am.
378
00:15:24,492 --> 00:15:27,159
Dad, don't go!
379
00:15:27,161 --> 00:15:31,029
Well, steve, I guess
that puts you in charge.
380
00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:33,332
[ wind whistling ]
381
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:40,139
Cyborg #1:
Over there!
382
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:43,942
[ eerie music plays ]
383
00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:46,444
Cyborg #2: Whoa.
384
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,246
[ beeping ]
what's this?
385
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:49,481
[ rapid beeping ]
386
00:15:54,722 --> 00:15:56,454
Guys, I'm back!
387
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,124
The hitchhiker told me he
couldn't teach me anything more
388
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,026
And then just walked
into the ocean.
389
00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:04,330
Stan:
There you boneheads are!
390
00:16:04,332 --> 00:16:06,632
Come on!
Let's chop it up!
391
00:16:07,535 --> 00:16:10,536
Pointing?
Okay. How about...
392
00:16:10,538 --> 00:16:13,671
Nice point. You should be
a pencil for Halloween!
393
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,273
[ laughter ]
394
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:16,474
See?
These guys get it.
395
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,410
No.
We're laughin' at you.
396
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:20,546
Uhp.
Rude dude alert.
397
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,815
[ dreamy music plays ]
398
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,351
♪♪
399
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,686
How long after I left
did the mafia get here?
400
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,822
Like right away.
Maybe two minutes?
401
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,490
Okay. Good.
I don't have to feel bad
402
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,492
About stopping for dinner
with hitchhiker.
403
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,362
Wouldn't have changed
anything.
404
00:16:36,364 --> 00:16:39,697
Our three families have
been warring for decades,
405
00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:41,433
But looking
for you, tuttle,
406
00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:43,501
Has brought us together
peacefully!
407
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,371
So...Does that mean
you're not gonna kill me?
408
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,306
Oh, no, we're
definitely killing you.
409
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:51,042
Please! You can't!
Is he perfect? No!
410
00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:54,112
But he's a good guy, and I'll
feel responsible if he dies.
411
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:57,315
Nah, you won't feel anything.
You'll be dead, too.
412
00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:59,117
Not taking care
of witnesses
413
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,852
Is kinda how we ended up
in this mess.
414
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,789
Plus, this way, each family
gets to kill one person,
415
00:17:03,791 --> 00:17:06,792
Which'll keep things fair
in our uneasy alliance.
416
00:17:06,794 --> 00:17:09,661
Just give us a minute
to decide who kills who.
417
00:17:09,663 --> 00:17:12,064
I'm sorry chopping it up
brought us to this.
418
00:17:12,066 --> 00:17:13,865
It happens!
It's just...
419
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,068
I'm your hero in every
other aspect of life.
420
00:17:16,070 --> 00:17:17,469
You are?
421
00:17:17,471 --> 00:17:19,938
I couldn't handle even
one teeny, tiny area
422
00:17:19,940 --> 00:17:22,874
Where you didn't look at me
as an absolute god.
423
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,143
But fortunately
no one has to die,
424
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,945
Because
big stan has a plan.
425
00:17:26,947 --> 00:17:29,281
What you've both forgotten
is that
426
00:17:29,283 --> 00:17:31,082
I'm a master
of chopping it up now.
427
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:32,350
[ sighs ]
428
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,152
I'm gonna go chat
with the mafia guys,
429
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:35,753
And when they're
completely engrossed,
430
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:37,756
You two slip out the back
and call the police.
431
00:17:37,758 --> 00:17:40,158
All that's gonna do
is get you shot first!
432
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,828
Stan.
You got this.
433
00:17:42,830 --> 00:17:44,562
Thanks, tuttle.
434
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:47,232
Alright. [ inhales sharply ]
game time, bitches.
435
00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:49,567
[ mafiosos whispering ]
436
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,169
[ gun cocks ]
can I do this guy?
437
00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:52,170
[ whimpers ]
438
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:54,106
Uh, you guys wanna see
439
00:17:54,108 --> 00:17:55,907
A picture of a rose?
440
00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:58,243
Sure.
We'll check it out.
441
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:01,447
-Oh, it's beautiful!
-Soooo red!
442
00:18:01,449 --> 00:18:04,983
And I'm just now appreciatin'
that strong, spiky stem!
443
00:18:04,985 --> 00:18:08,053
I'd gladly receive a kiss
from this rose.
444
00:18:08,055 --> 00:18:10,122
Ha!
Like the song!
445
00:18:10,124 --> 00:18:12,257
[ laughter ]
446
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:15,060
He's doin' it!
He's choppin' it up!
447
00:18:15,062 --> 00:18:18,796
Such a nicely composed photo.
Did you take this?
448
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:21,066
Yeah, I took it.
Off the internet!
449
00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:23,369
[ laughter ]
450
00:18:28,876 --> 00:18:30,876
[ laughter fading ]
451
00:18:30,878 --> 00:18:34,880
Feminine voice: And, class, stan
was so good at conversing now
452
00:18:34,882 --> 00:18:36,482
That he used his silver tongue
453
00:18:36,484 --> 00:18:39,685
To actually "chop up"
the bad guys.
454
00:18:39,687 --> 00:18:42,754
It's all here
in "the book of fischer."
455
00:18:42,756 --> 00:18:46,624
After our lord and savior,
tuttle, died and rose again,
456
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:49,427
This was the first miracle
he performed --
457
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,429
Giving an ordinary man
the ability
458
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:54,632
To chop up wrongdoers
with his words.
459
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,703
[ whirring ]
all: Whoa!
460
00:18:57,705 --> 00:18:59,905
How do we know
any of this is true?
461
00:18:59,907 --> 00:19:03,175
Part of being
a tuttle's witness is faith.
462
00:19:03,177 --> 00:19:06,778
Once you have truly welcomed
tuttle into your life,
463
00:19:06,780 --> 00:19:09,314
You'll know in your heart
that everything
464
00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:11,383
In "the book of fischer"
is true,
465
00:19:11,385 --> 00:19:13,519
Every story enlightening,
466
00:19:13,521 --> 00:19:16,522
Every spelling mistake
meaningful.
467
00:19:16,524 --> 00:19:17,989
But wait a second.
468
00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:20,592
How did the prophet fischer
even record this story?
469
00:19:20,594 --> 00:19:24,329
It happened after his book was
entombed in the refrigerator.
470
00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:27,866
Uh...Not all stories
are told linearly.
471
00:19:27,868 --> 00:19:30,302
Time to color in
your picture of a rose.
472
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,804
[ whirring ]
473
00:19:32,806 --> 00:19:35,274
[ buzzing ]
474
00:19:37,411 --> 00:19:41,213
Uh, you guys wanna see
a picture of a rose?
475
00:19:41,215 --> 00:19:43,815
[ whimpers ]
[ gunshots ]
476
00:19:43,817 --> 00:19:49,087
[ clicking ]
477
00:19:49,089 --> 00:19:50,756
Tuttle, easy.
I-it's over.
478
00:19:50,758 --> 00:19:52,824
What the hell, tuttle?!
We had a plan!
479
00:19:52,826 --> 00:19:54,692
The rose was
about to do its thing!
480
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,628
Have you had that gun
the whole time?
481
00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:59,497
Yeah, I've been a marked man
for 20 years.
482
00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,833
But I've never
had to use it before.
483
00:20:01,835 --> 00:20:04,436
Well, everyone who knew
you were alive is dead.
484
00:20:04,438 --> 00:20:08,106
So I guess you can either
go back to langley falls
485
00:20:08,108 --> 00:20:09,775
Or your life before that.
486
00:20:09,777 --> 00:20:12,310
Uh, I'll go back
to langley.
487
00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,045
That's where I have
the most friends.
488
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:17,182
Ha! I'll never be as funny
as you are, tuttle.
489
00:20:17,184 --> 00:20:19,317
Do we have to do
something about this?
490
00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:21,719
It's a safe house,
not an airbnb.
491
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:25,290
We don't have to "load
the dishwasher" before we go.
492
00:20:26,994 --> 00:20:29,527
Mom: "the parable
of chopping it up"
493
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,863
Is one of my favorites.
494
00:20:31,865 --> 00:20:33,799
Can we go to mccyberdonald's
on the way home?
495
00:20:33,801 --> 00:20:36,935
Ask your father.
Here he comes.
496
00:20:36,937 --> 00:20:39,537
[ whooshing ]
497
00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:42,741
Still alive and kickin'
after all these years!
498
00:20:42,743 --> 00:20:45,143
Pretty annoying how everyone
worships jeff now,
499
00:20:45,145 --> 00:20:46,678
But gotta put up with it...
500
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,615
'cause I can't get enough
of these sexy robot people!
501
00:20:49,617 --> 00:20:51,082
[ smooching ]
502
00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:53,084
[giggling] stop!
503
00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:55,821
[ whoosh ]