1 00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:03,699 ♪ 2 00:00:03,742 --> 00:00:08,095 Mom, I notice lately you're putting tilapia in every dish. 3 00:00:08,138 --> 00:00:10,053 Even the ice cream has fish bones in it. 4 00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:11,533 I 'unno. I dig it. 5 00:00:13,056 --> 00:00:16,059 Welp, gotta go. Got a date with the library. 6 00:00:16,103 --> 00:00:19,019 Gotta get my read on! 7 00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:20,672 We believe you, honey. 8 00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:22,544 Peace! 9 00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:26,852 There's no wayyyy Mom's reading at the library every night. 10 00:00:26,896 --> 00:00:28,376 She won't even go to a restaurant 11 00:00:28,419 --> 00:00:30,117 if it doesn't have a picture menu. 12 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,815 Of course she's not actually at the library! 13 00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:34,686 She knows I could never smooch a bookworm, 14 00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:36,340 let alone do it with one. 15 00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:38,908 I got twenty says Mom's actually been sneaking 16 00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:42,085 her pet orangutan into the zoo after hours so it can get laid. 17 00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:44,324 Well, this, of course, hinges on my other long-standing theory 18 00:00:44,348 --> 00:00:46,655 that Mom has a secret pet orangutan. 19 00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:50,093 Ben Frank says she's sneakin' off to be a Patch Adams. 20 00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:53,488 Going to hospitals and goofing off to get those uptight doctors 21 00:00:53,531 --> 00:00:55,446 to stop taking themselves so seriously. 22 00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:59,102 Guys, I need to get something off my chest. 23 00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:03,193 I'm... struggling with depression. 24 00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:05,021 I'm in the darkest place I've ever been... 25 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,546 Ooh, ooh! I have a fiver says Francine is carrying buckets. 26 00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:10,374 Maybe down a road... 27 00:01:10,418 --> 00:01:13,943 or at a... bucket... factory. 28 00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:15,771 Super interesting. 29 00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:17,425 But didn't you have the CIA 30 00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:19,601 put a tracking device on Mom's car? 31 00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:21,013 That's so I can know where your mom is at all times 32 00:01:21,037 --> 00:01:22,821 so I can control her. 33 00:01:22,865 --> 00:01:25,389 But I don't want to use it for other, twisted reasons. 34 00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,609 But isn't this wanting to know 35 00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,480 where she is so you can control her? 36 00:01:29,524 --> 00:01:32,135 No, no, it's not. Oh, wait! Yeah, it is! 37 00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:34,703 - [phone clicking] - [gasps] 38 00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:38,533 The tracker confirms Francine's at the... library! 39 00:01:38,576 --> 00:01:42,624 [suspenseful chord strikes] 40 00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:47,585 - Hi, Jolene. - Hey, Francine! 41 00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:49,848 Oh, I put some new reading materials 42 00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:51,241 in the restroom for you. 43 00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:53,852 [fart squeaks] 44 00:01:53,896 --> 00:01:55,985 - Did you say something? - I said... 45 00:01:56,028 --> 00:01:57,465 [squeaking] thanks! 46 00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:01,643 [patriotic music plays] 47 00:02:01,686 --> 00:02:04,515 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 48 00:02:04,559 --> 00:02:08,302 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 49 00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:11,566 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 50 00:02:11,609 --> 00:02:15,396 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 51 00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:20,923 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 52 00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:23,055 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 53 00:02:23,099 --> 00:02:24,144 Aah! 54 00:02:25,754 --> 00:02:29,018 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 55 00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:35,633 I can't believe this! Francine's a bookworm! 56 00:02:35,677 --> 00:02:39,028 We're not a family of nerds! We're a family of jocks! 57 00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:41,509 Except for... Steve. 58 00:02:41,552 --> 00:02:42,771 You did this! 59 00:02:42,814 --> 00:02:44,294 Look! He's got glasses, Stan! 60 00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:45,991 Knock 'em off! Knock 'em off! 61 00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:49,386 Mom's the one at the library! I like TV! 62 00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:51,214 T-That's what the glasses are for! 63 00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,999 Oh, Francine! This isn't how it's supposed to be! 64 00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:55,827 We were going to grow old together! 65 00:02:55,871 --> 00:02:57,655 And then I would be the first to die, 66 00:02:57,699 --> 00:03:01,311 she would mourn me for 17 months and start dating Jackson. 67 00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,792 That was the plan! Did she forget the plan?! 68 00:03:03,835 --> 00:03:06,447 We can't do the plan if she's a bookworm! 69 00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:09,624 I gotta go down to that library! 70 00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,843 KLAUS: Goodbye, cruel world. 71 00:03:14,150 --> 00:03:16,326 I just tried to drown myself. 72 00:03:18,154 --> 00:03:20,069 [sniffs] 73 00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:23,725 Smell like Totino pizza roll. 74 00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:25,509 This Steve turd. 75 00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:31,298 Rogu, we have a pool. 76 00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:35,171 Rogu collect doo-doo data. 77 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,608 As a parent, I'm mad, but as a scientist, 78 00:03:37,652 --> 00:03:39,610 my instinct is to encourage this. 79 00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:43,005 Rogu missing one doody, though. 80 00:03:43,048 --> 00:03:45,529 Francine. 81 00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:47,705 Really? Francine's super regular. 82 00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:50,882 She always used to poop right after dinner. 83 00:03:50,926 --> 00:03:53,885 Francine's not going to the library to read words! 84 00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:55,670 She's going there to leave turds! 85 00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,062 But why? 86 00:03:57,106 --> 00:03:58,673 Who cares? 87 00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:02,242 I know someone who would care quite a bit. 88 00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:06,550 Sherlock Groans, poop detective! 89 00:04:06,594 --> 00:04:08,073 I gotta get to the library 90 00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:10,989 to solve the case of the displaced doo-doo. 91 00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:13,949 Otherwise my nemesis Nancy Poo might beat me to it 92 00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:16,081 or, worse, the Farty Boys. 93 00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:18,127 So you can see how serious this is, Rogu. 94 00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,476 Yes. 95 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,827 Time is of the ass-scents. 96 00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:25,830 Ah. Good one! Daddy's proud. 97 00:04:25,874 --> 00:04:28,268 But not too much. I'm kind of the star here. 98 00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:31,532 ♪ 99 00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:33,229 - ROGER: Ah-ha! - Aah! 100 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,536 What are you doing?! 101 00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:37,059 What are you doing? 102 00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:38,626 Sorry. I-I-I know what you're doing. 103 00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:41,716 But... But why? But also, hi! 104 00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:44,632 Please tell me my wife isn't really here! 105 00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:45,981 Hm, what does she look like? 106 00:04:46,024 --> 00:04:47,330 She's got the hair. 107 00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,637 Uh, couple little feet. 108 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,465 - Does she have the boobs? - Yes! 109 00:04:51,508 --> 00:04:53,249 [chuckling] Ohh! Francine! 110 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,772 She's in the bathroom. 111 00:04:54,816 --> 00:04:58,689 Thank God! Maybe I can stop her before she reads. 112 00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:01,518 Mystery fans everywhere need to know. 113 00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:04,739 Why are you coming to the library to do your business? 114 00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:07,132 - I don't want to talk about it! - Come on! 115 00:05:07,176 --> 00:05:10,310 I got dressed up in my Sherlock Groans outfit and everything! 116 00:05:10,353 --> 00:05:11,659 It's embarrassing. 117 00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:13,138 Uh, which part? The hat? 118 00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:15,227 Or, like, this little cape on my shoulders? 119 00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:16,794 - [pounding on door] - STAN: Francine! 120 00:05:16,838 --> 00:05:19,144 - Are you in there? - Is that Stan? 121 00:05:19,188 --> 00:05:22,365 Yeah, he's on some jock mission to not let you read like a nerd. 122 00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:27,152 Francine, we need to talk about how you're... a reader. 123 00:05:27,196 --> 00:05:29,720 - Told ya. - Stan can't know I come here to poop! 124 00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:32,201 Maybe... hide me in the toilet? 125 00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:34,508 Are you kidding? That's the first place he'll look! 126 00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:36,553 Remember? That's the first place I looked. 127 00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:38,555 Damn it, Francine! I'm slowly building up 128 00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:40,165 the courage to enter the women's room! 129 00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:41,906 You gotta hide me! 130 00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:44,169 I could use my alien powers 131 00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:45,910 to place us in one of these stories. 132 00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:48,217 - You can do that?! - You know it! 133 00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:50,151 - [pounding on door] - But I've never done it before, 134 00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:51,873 so it could be highly risky. 135 00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,658 It could also be smooth sailing. Lots of variables here. 136 00:05:54,702 --> 00:05:56,530 I'm a poop detective, not a book scientist. 137 00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,183 Roger, put me in the damn book! 138 00:05:58,227 --> 00:06:00,185 How 'bout we take a trip to the ballroom? 139 00:06:00,229 --> 00:06:02,449 That sounds fun. 140 00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:04,102 Francine? 141 00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:09,151 [echoing] Francine! 142 00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:11,196 Did I say that out loud? 143 00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:13,895 Where the hell did she go? 144 00:06:13,938 --> 00:06:16,811 ♪ 145 00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:18,421 [whoosh] 146 00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:21,816 [indistinct conversations, piano playing softly] 147 00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:26,168 Oh, my God! It worked! [chuckles] We escaped! 148 00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:28,910 Oh, this kind of ballroom. 149 00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:32,217 Someone stole this poor woman's clothes! 150 00:06:32,261 --> 00:06:34,350 I can see her ankles! 151 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,743 Perhaps she's a prostitute. 152 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,788 I'm not a prostitute! 153 00:06:37,832 --> 00:06:40,443 For the right amount of money, anyone's a prostitute. 154 00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,706 That's, like, Being Alive 101. 155 00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:47,102 She's so exotic! She must be Italian! 156 00:06:47,145 --> 00:06:49,539 That's correctamundo. 157 00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:51,454 A-Lisa Lampanelli. 158 00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:53,935 Ooh! Please! Sing us a song! 159 00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:56,459 Italy has the most wonderful music. 160 00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,156 Follow my lead. 161 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,985 ♪ When the moon ♪ 162 00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:03,248 - ♪ Hits your eye ♪ - ♪ Hits your eye ♪ 163 00:07:03,292 --> 00:07:05,618 - ♪ Like a big pizza pie ♪ - ♪ He's a big pizza guy... pie! ♪ 164 00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:08,036 - ♪ That's amore! ♪ - ♪ Tuesdays with Morrie! ♪ 165 00:07:08,079 --> 00:07:10,430 [applause] 166 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,345 [classical music playing] 167 00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:16,218 ♪ 168 00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:19,656 So... I guess we just hang out in Pride and Prejudice 169 00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,790 until Stan gives up and stops searching the library for me? 170 00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,922 Yeah, about that... Since I helped you escape, 171 00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:27,359 you gotta tell me why you poop at the library. 172 00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:28,752 [sighs] 173 00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,537 It's because of what happened 174 00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:33,496 two years ago on our flight to Maui. 175 00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:37,152 I had the barbacoa tacos from Taco King before takeoff, 176 00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:40,155 and it ripped through me at 10,000 feet. 177 00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:43,941 I was locked in the lavatory for a solid hour. 178 00:07:43,985 --> 00:07:46,596 Fortunately, Stan was watching Son of the Mask, 179 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,337 so he didn't notice I was gone. 180 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:50,252 Okay, so you had diarrhea on a plane. 181 00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:52,167 I don't understand the embarrassment. 182 00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:54,212 My mom always told me 183 00:07:54,256 --> 00:07:56,824 to preserve some mystery in marriage. 184 00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:59,740 Your mom who shaves her bikini line at the hotel pool? 185 00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,524 Just let me say... 186 00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:05,833 not all plane accidents involve a crash. 187 00:08:05,876 --> 00:08:10,054 After I dropped that stink bomb, it was bad. 188 00:08:10,098 --> 00:08:13,057 It was "emergency land the plane 189 00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,843 because it stinks so bad" bad. 190 00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:17,845 - No! - In Omaha. 191 00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:19,542 - No! - [glass shatters] 192 00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:22,327 I've never seen Stan so upset. 193 00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:24,155 He swore he wouldn't rest 194 00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:26,723 until he found out who was responsible. 195 00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:29,378 I've been so afraid that he'd find out it was me, 196 00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:32,163 I've just been avoiding our bathroom altogether. 197 00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:34,035 I smashed my champagne flute for drama, 198 00:08:34,078 --> 00:08:35,732 but I'm having regrets. 199 00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:37,081 Are you listening to me? 200 00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:38,996 I can listen and miss my champagne 201 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:40,737 at the same time, Francine. 202 00:08:40,781 --> 00:08:44,175 Ahem! I'm not sure how people do things in Italy, 203 00:08:44,219 --> 00:08:48,092 but here in England, we don't discuss diarrhea. 204 00:08:48,136 --> 00:08:50,181 - [smack!] - Don't say that word! 205 00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:52,575 They said it! I was just repeating it! 206 00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,316 This is an outrage! 207 00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:56,318 I was falling in love with Miss Bennett! 208 00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:59,669 Oh, Darcy! My heart overflows! 209 00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,584 But now that I've heard discussions, 210 00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:05,196 here in England, of Italian diarrhea, 211 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:09,026 I've been tempted by the lures of obscene foreign delights. 212 00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:10,811 Off to Italy! 213 00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:13,988 Wow. First, he thinks I don't have enough money. 214 00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:16,468 And now I don't have enough diarrhea? 215 00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,862 What do men even want? 216 00:09:18,906 --> 00:09:21,822 These two ruined everything! 217 00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:23,998 - Kill the Italians! - [shing!] 218 00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:25,782 [partygoers shouting] 219 00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:28,002 ♪ 220 00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:30,787 Where'd they go? Why aren't they following us? 221 00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:32,354 I took us into a new book, 222 00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:34,530 whatever was under Pride and Prejudice. 223 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,620 The books have to be touching for me to take us into them. 224 00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:40,623 Looks like we're in a Dr. Seuss. 225 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,277 Is that a Lorax? 226 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,018 I do beg your pardon, 227 00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:46,847 but you appear to be trespassing in my study. 228 00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:50,285 Ohh! Sherlock Holmes! Roger, that's, like, your thing. 229 00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:52,809 Sherlock Groans, at your service. 230 00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:55,899 Sherlock Holmes, at yourservice. 231 00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:57,118 And me? 232 00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:59,642 Still good ol' Francine! 233 00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,644 [ding!] 234 00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,646 [insects chirping] 235 00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:06,388 Damn it! Francine's not a nerd. 236 00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:09,043 How could she like... Jane Austen? 237 00:10:09,086 --> 00:10:12,655 Maybe if it was Jane Austen Powers, bay-bee, 238 00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,526 then I'd get the appeal. 239 00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:16,528 I wish I could get rid of all these dumb things. 240 00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:18,661 I think I can help you. 241 00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:20,184 But you're a librarian. 242 00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:21,795 Aren't books, like, your thing? 243 00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:23,579 Oh, I like books. 244 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,189 [ominous music plays] 245 00:10:25,233 --> 00:10:28,323 [hushed] But I'm married to the flame. 246 00:10:28,366 --> 00:10:30,934 ♪ 247 00:10:30,978 --> 00:10:33,676 So, you've gotta tell me... what's with the little cape? 248 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,112 You're not a superhero. 249 00:10:35,156 --> 00:10:37,288 You're right! It's ridiculous! 250 00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:41,336 Why I wear it is the only mystery I could never solve. 251 00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:43,947 Would you two shut up?! Roger, take us home! 252 00:10:43,991 --> 00:10:45,185 That'd be great, wouldn't it, Francine? 253 00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:46,689 If we could just go back? 254 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,386 Are you saying we can't go back?! 255 00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:50,388 Maybe. I just don't know how. 256 00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:52,608 I told you. This is my first time. 257 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,306 Holmes! Holmes! The library's on fire! 258 00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:57,787 Check it out. It's Dr. Watson. 259 00:10:57,831 --> 00:10:59,789 Two Sherlocks? 260 00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:02,400 How do I know which one to shoot? 261 00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:03,769 Why do you need to shoot either of us? 262 00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:04,838 Him! Him! 263 00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,709 - [gunshot] - [groans] 264 00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:09,016 Hey! I'm Sherlock Groans. 265 00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:11,148 ♪ 266 00:11:11,192 --> 00:11:14,499 FRANCINE: Pride and Prejudice: A Diarrhea Adventure? 267 00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,546 Roger! I think we changed the book! 268 00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:20,723 It sounds like we made it absolutely hilarious, frankly. 269 00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:23,552 But stop wasting time! There's a fire! 270 00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:26,337 - [whimsical music plays] - Is this Alice in Wonderland? 271 00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:29,166 Ooh! I've always wondered what he's smoking. 272 00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:30,777 [inhales deeply] 273 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,866 [coughing] 274 00:11:32,909 --> 00:11:34,824 [straining] It's actually pretty weak shit. 275 00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:40,656 [all screaming] 276 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,790 Whoa! Maybe this is stronger than I thought. 277 00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:45,052 No, that really happened. 278 00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:46,793 Come on! 279 00:11:46,836 --> 00:11:49,621 [suspenseful music plays] 280 00:11:49,665 --> 00:11:52,102 The Yellow Brick Road? 281 00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:53,495 We must be in The Wizard of Oz. 282 00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:55,323 [Scarecrow and Tin Man screaming] 283 00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:56,759 Oh, no! Oh, no, oh, no! 284 00:11:56,803 --> 00:11:57,978 [whoosh] 285 00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:00,894 [Tin Man whimpering] 286 00:12:00,937 --> 00:12:03,766 Weird. There's a fire in all these books. 287 00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:06,421 Oh, no. I know what's happening. 288 00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:09,598 The librarian is a recovering pyromaniac! 289 00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:13,645 She just got her 20-year chip and congratulatory lighter! 290 00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:15,560 And now she's gonna burn us to death! 291 00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:17,258 Roger, let's go! 292 00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:19,216 Of course, in the book, the magic slippers 293 00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,610 are silver, not ruby. That was just in the movie. 294 00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:24,831 In fact, Judy Garland has said it was the ruby slippers alone 295 00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:27,007 that launched her career as Judge Judy! 296 00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:30,619 We don't have time for... Ooh! Those look good on you! 297 00:12:30,662 --> 00:12:31,814 - [dance music plays] - Work it, girl! 298 00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:34,884 Oh, yeah! Now run, girl! 299 00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:37,495 ♪ 300 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,413 Stan Smith! I knew I recognized you. 301 00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:44,981 You had that book signing here a couple months ago. 302 00:12:46,635 --> 00:12:51,248 Book signings happen at book stores. Dumbass. 303 00:12:51,292 --> 00:12:54,077 Hmm. Was my failure as an author 304 00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:56,036 why I turned against reading? 305 00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:57,689 Guess I'll never know. 306 00:12:57,733 --> 00:12:59,779 Because I'm destroying all the evidence! 307 00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:07,264 [both breathing heavily] 308 00:13:07,308 --> 00:13:09,527 Oh, thank God! We're home! 309 00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:11,747 It must be because of the magic slippers! 310 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:15,707 [lawn mower rumbling] 311 00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:18,493 Why does Stan look like a tall, skinny baby? 312 00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:22,062 Uh-oh. That's how he describes himself in his memoir. 313 00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:25,065 His memoir? What do you mean, his "memoir"? 314 00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:26,675 I mean, we're still in a book! 315 00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,677 You didn't read your husband's book? 316 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,419 It was self-published. Yuck. 317 00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:34,814 I trust the coastal elites to tell me what to read. 318 00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:36,076 Hey, look! It's you! 319 00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:37,773 [horn honks] 320 00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:42,691 [space-rock music plays] 321 00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:46,129 ♪ 322 00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,784 [guitar chord resonates] 323 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,873 And Stan gave you itty bitty apple fritties. 324 00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:53,745 Does he think I have small boobs? 325 00:13:53,789 --> 00:13:55,704 Or does he want me to have small boobs? 326 00:13:55,747 --> 00:13:57,706 See, those are the kinds of questions 327 00:13:57,749 --> 00:14:00,404 great literature provokes. Now run! 328 00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:02,798 [lawn mower rumbling] 329 00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,627 We're trapped! 330 00:14:05,670 --> 00:14:09,022 If we die in Stan's memoir, do we die in real life?! 331 00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:11,372 Well, I think I'll be fine. I don't know about you. 332 00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:13,591 - What do you mean?! - Because of this! 333 00:14:13,635 --> 00:14:15,855 - [flames rush] - I don't burn! 334 00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:17,769 Being an alien's a hoot! 335 00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:20,250 Why have you been running from the fire this whole time 336 00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:21,904 if you're gonna survive?! 337 00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,993 I was trying to get my 10,000 steps in. 338 00:14:24,037 --> 00:14:25,952 Plus, if my heart rate gets over 90, 339 00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:27,344 I get an extra dessert. 340 00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:29,433 I'm thinking... bananas Foster? 341 00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:33,873 [flames whoosh] 342 00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,571 These are good. I see why people like these. 343 00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:37,877 [glass shatters] 344 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,835 And there's no cleanup! 345 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,055 Seriously? Nothing, Francine? 346 00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:44,231 I'm working my ass off here so you can meet the devil 347 00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:45,623 with a smile on your face. 348 00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:48,713 [wind rushes] 349 00:14:48,757 --> 00:14:50,628 How the hell did that happen? 350 00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:53,675 [blowing] I can't destroy my own work! 351 00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:56,983 I put four hours of my life into writing it. 352 00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,289 We gotta figure out how to get out of these books! 353 00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:02,292 Yes! So I can find out why Stan gave me 354 00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:04,642 those eensy weensy baby boobies! 355 00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:08,037 [jet engines whirring] 356 00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:10,561 Jesus! What is that smell?! 357 00:15:10,605 --> 00:15:12,128 [passengers coughing] 358 00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:13,956 Oh, no! Nooo! 359 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,306 This is the flight when I took that poisonous dump! 360 00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:18,482 - [passengers coughing] - Uch! 361 00:15:18,526 --> 00:15:21,137 Did someone burn the hair off a dead squirrel?! 362 00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:24,314 I don't smell anything. [sniffs] 363 00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:27,622 Hey! This awful smell is ruining the Kind bar 364 00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:30,190 I bought at the airport for $17! 365 00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:33,845 Ugh! The stench is drifting into first class! 366 00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,804 Over my dead body! 367 00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:39,155 All coach passengers, link arms to protect the rich! 368 00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:44,125 PILOT: On behalf of the flight crew, I apologize 369 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,249 for the smell coming from our lavatory. 370 00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:49,209 We're gonna have to make an emergency landing in Omaha. 371 00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:51,776 I know it smells only slightly better in Omaha, 372 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:54,083 but they're the only airport who will accept us. 373 00:15:54,127 --> 00:15:55,780 ANNOUNCER: Omaha! 374 00:15:55,824 --> 00:15:58,000 [thud] 375 00:15:58,044 --> 00:15:59,480 STAN: This is unbelievable! 376 00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:01,612 I'm not going to rest until I find out 377 00:16:01,656 --> 00:16:04,485 whose dump destroyed this plane's bathroom! 378 00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:07,705 And if I do somehow rest, it will be the fitful sleep 379 00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:10,186 of a man who doesn't know who took said dump. 380 00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:11,971 [passengers coughing] 381 00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:15,975 This is so embarrassing! How could Stan publish this?! 382 00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,281 I wanna go back to the real world! 383 00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:21,806 Maybe we would go back if Stan couldn't publish this. 384 00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,765 What do you mean? 385 00:16:23,808 --> 00:16:26,463 I mean, if his memoir didn't exist, we couldn't be in it. 386 00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:29,162 Right. What keeps a book from getting published? 387 00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:30,946 Well, they wouldn't publish my book 388 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,340 because it had an unacceptable amount of bestiality. 389 00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:35,385 Only 14 scenes! 390 00:16:35,429 --> 00:16:39,128 Great! Let's throw a little bestiality up in this memoir! 391 00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:42,044 That blind guy's German Shepherd is probably DTF, 392 00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:43,828 so get to it! 393 00:16:43,872 --> 00:16:45,917 [dog barks] 394 00:16:45,961 --> 00:16:47,484 The dog turned me down. 395 00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:49,791 Because it thinks it's better than me! 396 00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:53,012 Okay. What else could keep this memoir from being published? 397 00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:56,580 Well, you can't self-publish on Amazon if it has bestiality, 398 00:16:56,624 --> 00:16:58,278 pedophilia, bomb making... 399 00:16:58,321 --> 00:17:00,410 Bomb making?! Let's do that one! 400 00:17:00,454 --> 00:17:02,891 One hitch... I don't know how to make a bomb. 401 00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:05,676 I know it's kind of bougie, but I always buy them pre-made. 402 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,244 Girl, I could make a pipe bomb in my sleep. 403 00:17:08,288 --> 00:17:09,874 But you don't have any of the ingredients. 404 00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:12,422 Yeah, but we can rewrite this memoir 405 00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:14,033 like we did Pride and Prejudice. 406 00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:17,601 [passengers coughing] 407 00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:21,214 A gallon of rubber cement, a half cup of salt, 408 00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:24,391 10 pounds of manure, a steel pipe, 409 00:17:24,434 --> 00:17:26,871 and a Barbie leg for a fuse. 410 00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:29,787 - Voilà! Pipe bomb. - You did it! 411 00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:30,875 BOTH: Aaaaahhhh! 412 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,835 Hey! There's my rake! 413 00:17:33,878 --> 00:17:35,793 It's actually not. I-I brought this from home. 414 00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:37,143 What a weird lie. 415 00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:38,579 I'm a weird guy. 416 00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:40,450 Aaaah! 417 00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:42,670 Aw, come on! I just raked that! 418 00:17:42,713 --> 00:17:44,802 Did I actually make it back? 419 00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:47,066 Just in time to ruin my pile. 420 00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:48,850 [sadly] My precious pile. 421 00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:51,635 Stan. I-I have to be honest. 422 00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:55,117 I don't come to the library to read. 423 00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,597 I come here to poop. 424 00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:00,035 In the books? Nice! So you are a jock! 425 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,472 No, Stan. In the bathroom. 426 00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,126 To hide my real secret. 427 00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,346 Aaah! Sorry I'm late. 428 00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:08,826 I jumped into the book 1984 to go back 429 00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:12,047 and get the Daytona Beach spring break I always wanted. 430 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:15,703 Suffice it to say, it was not totally tubular. 431 00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:18,314 ♪ 432 00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:19,924 I don't get it, Francine. 433 00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:23,014 Your secret is you eat tacos in the bathroom stall? 434 00:18:23,058 --> 00:18:24,407 That's not so bad. 435 00:18:24,451 --> 00:18:26,453 I once went back to get the half cup of beer 436 00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:28,063 I left on the toilet at Shea Stadium. 437 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,065 Although it was completely untouched 438 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,807 and even more full than before, it's still a little gross. 439 00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:35,592 FRANCINE: I don't always eat tacos in the bathroom, 440 00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:39,030 but I do always end up in the bathroom afterwards. 441 00:18:39,074 --> 00:18:40,336 [door hinges creak] 442 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,644 - What? - Sir, in your story, 443 00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:45,646 I think you were drinking pee-pee! 444 00:18:45,689 --> 00:18:48,605 No, little girl. It was just delicious hot beer! 445 00:18:48,649 --> 00:18:51,173 FRANCINE: Are you getting a whiff of anything yet? 446 00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:52,522 Like what? 447 00:18:52,566 --> 00:18:54,133 [air rushes] 448 00:18:57,875 --> 00:19:00,095 Oh, God! 449 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,618 - Omaha was you! - [toilet flushes] 450 00:19:01,662 --> 00:19:03,881 I know. 451 00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:05,927 How could you hide this from me? 452 00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:07,494 I was raised to think a woman 453 00:19:07,537 --> 00:19:09,887 should keep some mystery in her marriage. 454 00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:11,672 But I don't want that. 455 00:19:11,715 --> 00:19:13,630 I want to know everything about you, Francine. 456 00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:16,677 You do?! Even the gross stuff? 457 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,548 Yes, especially the gross stuff. 458 00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:21,160 But you seemed so upset on the plane. 459 00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:22,987 Yeah, I was mad I didn't get to shake hands 460 00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:24,946 with the butt that made that mess! 461 00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:27,209 It was hilarious! Everyone on the plane was like... 462 00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:30,081 Ugh-ugh-eghh-egh-egh! 463 00:19:30,125 --> 00:19:34,129 Wow! That is a weight off my shoulders. 464 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,652 You know what? 465 00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:37,698 I'm gonna poop at home from now on, 466 00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:40,091 no matter how smelly it is. 467 00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:43,182 I would love nothing more, Francine. 468 00:19:43,225 --> 00:19:45,545 Although I don't think you can ever top your airplane poop. 469 00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:47,490 Nothing will ever be funnier than that. 470 00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,884 Is that why you put it in your memoir? 471 00:19:49,927 --> 00:19:51,364 You read my memoir? 472 00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:54,105 Yeah! It really... sucked me in. 473 00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,933 That's so sweet of you. 474 00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:58,216 Man, that thing was terrible. No one would even publish it. 475 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:02,113 Well, those coastal elites are out of touch with what's good. 476 00:20:02,157 --> 00:20:05,682 But, hey, why'd you write about me having a flat chest? 477 00:20:05,726 --> 00:20:07,510 What was that all about? 478 00:20:07,554 --> 00:20:09,556 Flat chest? Oh, that must be a typo. 479 00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:11,384 I meant to write "fat chest." 480 00:20:11,427 --> 00:20:13,473 I love them fat sacks, baby! 481 00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:15,214 Oh, Stan. 482 00:20:15,257 --> 00:20:17,694 You always know just what to say. 483 00:20:17,738 --> 00:20:19,305 [indistinct conversations] 484 00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:24,397 I was a little surprised to find a website 485 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,312 that matched depressed singles with each other. 486 00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:28,575 But look at you! 487 00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:30,794 Score for Klaus! 488 00:20:30,838 --> 00:20:33,841 You didn't say in your e-Sadness profile that you're a fish. 489 00:20:33,884 --> 00:20:35,973 Oh, I see the miscommunication here. 490 00:20:36,017 --> 00:20:37,279 [chuckles] I was lying. 491 00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:40,848 Yeah, I don't date liars. 492 00:20:40,891 --> 00:20:44,765 Oh, and, by the way, I'm super into sex. 493 00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:46,984 Well, you didn't explicitly say in your profile 494 00:20:47,028 --> 00:20:48,551 that you weren't a fish! 495 00:20:48,595 --> 00:20:50,988 And you don't see me crying about it! 496 00:20:51,032 --> 00:20:53,382 [sobbing] 497 00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:56,820 I miss sex! 498 00:20:56,864 --> 00:20:58,474 Bye-bye! See you soon!