1 00:00:04,265 --> 00:00:06,049 Can I get a what's uuuuup? 2 00:00:06,093 --> 00:00:07,050 Can you get a what? 3 00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:08,834 No time for pleasantries, Steve. 4 00:00:08,878 --> 00:00:10,662 I've unsleeved the pudding pop. 5 00:00:10,706 --> 00:00:12,577 That's right. 6 00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:15,034 A lot of stuff has been going on around here without my comment, 7 00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:16,842 and I think it's time to... 8 00:00:16,886 --> 00:00:18,844 ...tell it like it is. 9 00:00:18,888 --> 00:00:21,021 That's right. I tell it like it is. 10 00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:22,631 I call it like I see it. 11 00:00:22,674 --> 00:00:24,198 Do I pussyfoot around? 12 00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:25,242 I can't. 13 00:00:26,591 --> 00:00:28,637 It begins now. 14 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,987 Hayley, you know what I'm going to say. 15 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,293 The bicycle shorts... 16 00:00:32,336 --> 00:00:34,077 The bicycle shorts you wore last week. 17 00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:35,905 I didn't see a bicycle. 18 00:00:35,948 --> 00:00:37,298 Was it a fashion thing? 19 00:00:37,341 --> 00:00:38,666 With a baggy sweater, I-I thought... 20 00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:40,170 It looked bad. 21 00:00:40,214 --> 00:00:42,129 Francine, I saw on the credit card statement 22 00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:44,218 you got a subscription to Master Class? 23 00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:46,133 Doris Kearns Goodwin does one... 24 00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:49,310 You're going to become a DKG-level historian? 25 00:00:49,353 --> 00:00:50,896 That'd be the first time anyone in this family 26 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,400 followed through on something. 27 00:00:52,443 --> 00:00:54,576 Remember how you all saw the movie Nightcrawler 28 00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:56,491 and you all wanted to become Nightcrawlers, 29 00:00:56,534 --> 00:00:59,015 selling pictures of car accidents to the news? 30 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,799 How many of you are Nightcrawlers now? 31 00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:02,758 We... We could... We could be Nightcrawlers... 32 00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:04,412 Big mistake piping up, Steve. 33 00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:06,588 The other day, your hair came down into your face? 34 00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:07,806 No. 35 00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:09,591 I was getting out of the pool! 36 00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,984 You don't have a face where you can ever let your hair 37 00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:14,291 come forward like that. 38 00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:16,728 It's your nose. Just telling it like it is. 39 00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:18,774 Talk to me about hair. 40 00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:20,645 Of all people. Good gracious. 41 00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:21,994 What's that, son? 42 00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:23,822 Is it a hard truth you're muttering? 43 00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:26,173 Hit me with it. I can take it. 44 00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:28,871 I said it's funny for you of all people 45 00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:30,438 to criticize someone's hair! 46 00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:31,569 You're bald! 47 00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:34,224 Bald... bald... 48 00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:35,443 Dad? 49 00:01:35,486 --> 00:01:36,618 Ooh! 50 00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:38,489 Bald! Bald! Bald! 51 00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:40,230 Bald! Bald! 52 00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:41,710 Pretty good Steve impression, huh? 53 00:01:41,753 --> 00:01:43,059 Now do Klaus! 54 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,930 What's up, dudes? 55 00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:47,281 Klaus usually says "bros." 56 00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:52,721 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 57 00:01:52,764 --> 00:01:56,551 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 58 00:01:56,594 --> 00:01:59,858 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 59 00:01:59,902 --> 00:02:03,775 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 60 00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:09,216 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 61 00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:11,348 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 62 00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:12,523 Aah! 63 00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:17,354 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 64 00:02:20,052 --> 00:02:22,359 There I was, blasting them with the truth, 65 00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:24,622 one of my best tell-it-like-it-is-es-es, 66 00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:27,538 and Steve just knocks the wind out of me with... with... 67 00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:28,800 The truth? 68 00:02:28,844 --> 00:02:30,019 Yes. 69 00:02:30,062 --> 00:02:32,369 Ya know, Stan, to tell it like it is freely, 70 00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:34,763 you must remove all your weaknesses. 71 00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:37,069 Baldness is my only weakness. 72 00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:39,289 You know, there's a hair transplant technique 73 00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:41,422 I read about that's very cutting edge... 74 00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,032 hair seeds. 75 00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:44,860 "Cutting edge" is intriguing. 76 00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:47,167 If you did it, I could arrange to have your new hair 77 00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:48,907 styled by none other than... 78 00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:50,735 get ready for this... 79 00:02:50,779 --> 00:02:52,650 Josay Bosay. 80 00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:55,392 Who? 81 00:02:55,436 --> 00:02:56,785 Are you serious? 82 00:02:56,828 --> 00:02:58,178 Josay Bosay? 83 00:02:58,221 --> 00:03:00,789 He's my most celebrated hair stylist character. 84 00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,269 I have never heard of him. 85 00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:04,488 Back in the '70s, Josay gave Rod Stewart 86 00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:07,709 what would turn out to be his forever haircut. 87 00:03:07,752 --> 00:03:09,058 You know what, Roger? 88 00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:11,191 I will get hair seeds! 89 00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:13,845 I'm so excited, I have to journal! 90 00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:16,283 Is Stan right about us? 91 00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:18,763 We were so excited about being Nightcrawlers. 92 00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:21,679 It's all we talked about in 2015. 93 00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:24,856 But how many times did we actually go out on the prowl? 94 00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,597 Not even once. 95 00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:28,991 Look, did you all like the movie Nightcrawler? 96 00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:30,775 - Yes! - More than anything. 97 00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:32,690 And do you still think about it every day? 98 00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:34,475 - Yes! - Morning to night! 99 00:03:34,518 --> 00:03:36,583 And do you think that taking pictures of car accidents 100 00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:38,696 and crime scenes seems like easy, fun money? 101 00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:39,958 Yes! 102 00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:41,177 Then get out there! 103 00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:46,226 No one ever uses the fireman pole. 104 00:03:47,662 --> 00:03:49,141 Not even me. 105 00:03:51,622 --> 00:03:54,321 With my proprietary hair seed technology, 106 00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:57,193 giving you a big, beautiful mane of hair 107 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,543 is as easy as one, two, three. 108 00:03:59,587 --> 00:04:02,459 Now, let's take the wig off and see what we're working with. 109 00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:05,636 I can't do it. 110 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,812 My... head's under there. 111 00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:08,857 I'm right here. 112 00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,206 I'm too nervous! 113 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,253 What if I hold the other hand? 114 00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:14,819 And now... 115 00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:18,301 I'm a monster. 116 00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:20,303 It's okay, Mr. Smith. 117 00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:23,915 As a professional, I see this sort of thing every day. 118 00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:25,787 Pamela, bring me some Dramamine. 119 00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:27,591 I'm looking at something that makes me queasier 120 00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:29,269 than any roller coaster. 121 00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:31,880 These hair seeds are gonna go nuclear 122 00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:34,796 when they touch down on that cueball melon of yours. 123 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:37,451 Let's gas this Kojak. 124 00:04:37,494 --> 00:04:39,453 I-I thought this was an outpatient surgery. 125 00:04:39,496 --> 00:04:41,063 Shh. 126 00:04:41,106 --> 00:04:42,412 It's gonna be a breeze. 127 00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:47,243 Stan, things are going very badly. 128 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,593 Your body has rejected the hair seeds, 129 00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,049 and something went nuts with your kidneys. 130 00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:53,075 They swelled up and got very big, 131 00:04:53,118 --> 00:04:54,816 then they shrunk down very small, 132 00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:56,383 then they made a hissing sound, 133 00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:58,298 then they just flat-out vanished. 134 00:04:58,341 --> 00:04:59,741 I saw the whole thing on ultrasound. 135 00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:00,777 I was like... 136 00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:03,975 What does this mean for my hair? 137 00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:05,827 We need a rare double donor... 138 00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:08,525 both a kidney and a hair match. 139 00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:11,180 Fortunately, I already found the right person. 140 00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:13,095 They're here, they're excited to help, 141 00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:14,749 and they're right behind this curtain. 142 00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:16,359 Looks like Tuttle. 143 00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,203 I'm going to insist the donation be anonymous. 144 00:05:18,230 --> 00:05:19,536 This is an outrage! 145 00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:21,277 I'm a hero! 146 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,714 Stay behind the screen. It is my wish. 147 00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:25,325 Prep for surgery! 148 00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:29,024 Let's get hairy! 149 00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:30,852 - Aaaah! - He's dead again?! 150 00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:32,767 This is a nightmare! 151 00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,812 My anesthesia's not working! 152 00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:36,640 My anesthesia's not working! 153 00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:38,033 Shut up! Shut up! 154 00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:40,165 Stan, open your eyes. 155 00:05:42,994 --> 00:05:44,256 It worked. 156 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,780 - Hair? - Oh, yeah. 157 00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,608 And it was easy as one, two, three 158 00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:48,913 months in a coma. 159 00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:49,958 I was in a coma?! 160 00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:52,047 It's time to remove this towel 161 00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:54,179 and send you out into the world, 162 00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:55,920 a man who has hair, 163 00:05:55,964 --> 00:05:57,835 but no towel. 164 00:05:57,879 --> 00:05:59,402 The fruit... 165 00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:00,925 of the hair seed. 166 00:06:02,144 --> 00:06:04,102 Oh! 167 00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:05,626 Ohh! 168 00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:07,541 Ooh. 169 00:06:07,584 --> 00:06:10,239 I look like the Beast from Beauty and the Beast! 170 00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:13,111 Now I get to bring you to Josay Bosay 171 00:06:13,155 --> 00:06:14,939 for your first-ever haircut. 172 00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:16,941 I can't keep my hands out of it! 173 00:06:16,985 --> 00:06:19,335 I love seeing you so happy, Stan. 174 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,293 Anonymous! Anonymous! 175 00:06:27,169 --> 00:06:30,433 Uh, Stan Smith, here for Josay Bosay? 176 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,919 Naughty boy! 177 00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:41,879 Trying to read my unfinished memoirs! 178 00:06:41,923 --> 00:06:44,752 There's some juicy stuff in that memoir. 179 00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,319 When Morgan Fairchild reads what I have to say 180 00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:50,714 about our hot affair, she's going to be so very angry. 181 00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,934 But she gets horny when she's angry, 182 00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:55,545 so more sex for me, right, gorgeous? 183 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,549 Th... These are scribbles. Not writing. 184 00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:01,899 Oh, I can write. And I can read, too. 185 00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:03,510 I read a book that was one majillion, 186 00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:04,815 but let's talk hair. 187 00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:06,643 I want this haircut to be good. 188 00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:08,819 Rod was nervous, too, 189 00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:11,474 before I gave him that. 190 00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:13,389 Make me look like me. 191 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,608 The most me. 192 00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:34,279 Et voilà! 193 00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:36,891 You just became... 194 00:07:36,934 --> 00:07:38,240 a butterfly. 195 00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:39,683 - I hate it. - How's that, gorgeous? 196 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,199 It's a horrible haircut. 197 00:07:41,243 --> 00:07:42,766 It's Rod Stewart's forever cut! 198 00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:44,333 It's an out-of-date hair-do. 199 00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,639 It's a hair-don't, frankly. 200 00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:49,469 I gotta tell it like it is. 201 00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:51,819 Josay Bosay, you're obviously 202 00:07:51,862 --> 00:07:53,864 nothing but a washed-up dinosaur. 203 00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:56,040 He looks horrible. 204 00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,955 You look horrible. 205 00:07:57,999 --> 00:07:59,914 We all look horrible! 206 00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:02,090 This fool only knows one haircut! 207 00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:05,223 It's official... Josay Bosay is finished! 208 00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:07,704 To the hat store! 209 00:08:07,748 --> 00:08:10,315 Stan, what have you done?! 210 00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:11,708 I'm ruined! 211 00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:14,102 Josay Bosay is ruined! 212 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,323 Hello, Josay Bosay salon, 213 00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:19,586 we're ruined. 214 00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:23,720 I need it fixed. 215 00:08:23,764 --> 00:08:25,548 Can the hair artists at Fantastic Sam's 216 00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:27,332 guarantee total perfection? 217 00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:30,814 I-I'm sorry, is someone crying on your end 218 00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:32,947 or is that coming from my house? 219 00:08:32,990 --> 00:08:34,949 Several people are crying there, you say? 220 00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:40,911 Pube shapes are hot! 221 00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:44,524 Josay is no-o-o-ot! 222 00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:46,569 Terrible about Josay, isn't it? 223 00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:48,440 How you destroyed him? 224 00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:50,007 And after he stood by you 225 00:08:50,051 --> 00:08:52,575 during your difficult hairplug recovery. 226 00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:53,924 Klaus, don't interact with me. 227 00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,622 I, uh... I... I don't know. 228 00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:57,145 I... I feel weird right now. 229 00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:59,364 You feel guilt, Stan. 230 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:00,733 No, I think it's just that earlier, 231 00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,672 I ate an entire hardshell crab 232 00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:04,282 like it was a softshell crab. 233 00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:05,806 Besides, why would I be guilty? 234 00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:07,547 I was only telling it like it is. 235 00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:10,506 Stan, perhaps I can tell you like it is... 236 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,900 telling it like it is is mean! 237 00:09:12,943 --> 00:09:15,032 And when you're mean, you feel guilty. 238 00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:16,730 And sometimes... 239 00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:19,776 it feels like you ate the wrong kind of crab. 240 00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:21,909 Wow. When you put it like that... 241 00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:23,737 Well, so, what am I supposed to do? 242 00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:26,914 Support your friend by lying to his face. 243 00:09:26,957 --> 00:09:28,524 Reverse all your positions. 244 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,309 Say anything that will make him feel good. 245 00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:33,660 Klaus, you're a genius and I love you. 246 00:09:33,703 --> 00:09:34,878 You do? 247 00:09:34,922 --> 00:09:36,706 Whoa, lying's easy. 248 00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:38,882 I'm gonna go do it to Roger. 249 00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:42,364 - Roger? - It's Josay! 250 00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:45,410 Look, Josay, I've been meaning to say how sorry I am 251 00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:46,977 for what happened at your salon. 252 00:09:47,021 --> 00:09:48,892 Former salon. You hated the cut. 253 00:09:48,936 --> 00:09:51,678 Wrong! I love this haircut! 254 00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:53,767 Really? 255 00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,769 But the awful things you said... 256 00:09:55,812 --> 00:09:57,422 A misunderstanding. 257 00:09:57,466 --> 00:09:58,989 You called me out-of-date. 258 00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,382 Shyeah. Timeless! 259 00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:01,731 What about washed up? 260 00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:04,125 Washed up. Clean, tidy! 261 00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:05,474 Okay, I see that. 262 00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:06,997 And dinosaur? 263 00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:09,086 Like a T-rex. He's the king, bud. 264 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,091 Talk about your misunderstandings! 265 00:10:14,135 --> 00:10:16,441 Now, I'm ecstatic you like the cut, 266 00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:19,227 but if you want to maintain that electrocuted bird look, 267 00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:21,533 you'll need to apply this constantly. 268 00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:23,318 It's got a strong smell. 269 00:10:23,361 --> 00:10:25,015 What... is this? 270 00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:27,148 A little home recipe I cooked up. 271 00:10:27,191 --> 00:10:28,715 It's starting to sting. 272 00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:30,281 It's very astringent. 273 00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:31,805 That's why I wear the gloves. 274 00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:33,937 It's hair-friendly, not skin-friendly. 275 00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:35,939 Well, I... I love it. 276 00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:37,985 You know what? I could sell this. 277 00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:39,943 It could be the key to my comeback. 278 00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:41,007 I think a little's getting in my... 279 00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:43,077 Ow! 280 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,862 I mean... I mean wow! This is great stuff. 281 00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:48,735 I just have to get people to love it as much as you do! 282 00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,954 If that's even possible! 283 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,829 Am I a lucky duck or what? 284 00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:58,048 I put out feelers that I'm interested in 285 00:10:58,092 --> 00:11:01,269 starting my own product line, wanna spend lots of money, 286 00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:04,141 and I'm immediately contacted by Roz and Larry here 287 00:11:04,185 --> 00:11:06,535 to be my manufacturing partners! 288 00:11:06,578 --> 00:11:08,972 They're complete strangers, but they have a nice house, 289 00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:12,062 and that makes me trust them on a gut level. 290 00:11:12,106 --> 00:11:14,456 Why is the factory closed, again? 291 00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,545 Oh, a skunk got in there. 292 00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:18,112 Pissed or whatever. 293 00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,722 Well, I'm convinced. 294 00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:23,683 Stan, is this a great idea or is this a great idea? 295 00:11:23,726 --> 00:11:25,815 Or do you not like it and think I'm a fool? 296 00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:27,904 Uh, it's... it's great. 297 00:11:27,948 --> 00:11:29,558 - You're great. - Oh, excellent. 298 00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:32,909 Roz, Larry, here is a check for the last of my money. 299 00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:35,738 Oh, great, but we can do this later. 300 00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,914 Uhp! 301 00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:39,742 That's a good sign, right? 302 00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:42,049 - Eager to get started? - Uh... 303 00:11:42,092 --> 00:11:44,616 Stan, they have a very expensive home. 304 00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:45,922 They don't need my money. 305 00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:47,750 I think this is an open house. 306 00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:50,144 Could you both sign in? 307 00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:52,233 So, I've been getting quite the runaround, 308 00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:54,539 but you're the right person to help me stop a check? 309 00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:57,717 Well, I wrote a check that was my entire life savings 310 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,980 made out to cash earlier today, and I'd like to... 311 00:12:00,023 --> 00:12:02,983 Stop! That! Check! 312 00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,289 Okay, thank you so much! You're gorgeous! 313 00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:06,987 They cashed it hours ago. 314 00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:11,078 I'm a fool! A failure! 315 00:12:11,121 --> 00:12:12,949 I know you know it, Stan! 316 00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:15,299 Tell me like it is! 317 00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:17,693 Well, if you must know the truth... 318 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:18,999 No! Keep lying, Stan! 319 00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,391 Wuzzat? 320 00:12:20,435 --> 00:12:21,871 The truth is... 321 00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:23,220 Lie, lie, lie! 322 00:12:23,264 --> 00:12:24,656 Wuzzat? 323 00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,397 You're a great hairdresser. 324 00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:27,964 Yes! 325 00:12:28,008 --> 00:12:30,358 Do you really think so? 326 00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:33,013 You're the greatest hairdresser in the world. 327 00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:35,972 Do you mean the greatest now, 328 00:12:36,016 --> 00:12:37,669 or of all time? 329 00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:40,063 Um... all time. 330 00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:41,673 Including the future, too? 331 00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,066 How could I possibly know... 332 00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:44,676 Yes. 333 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,243 Including the future, too. 334 00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:48,550 "The greatest hairdresser of all time." 335 00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:49,943 I have to agree. 336 00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,683 You know, I think we're in this mess 337 00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:53,424 because I forgot it's about the hair, 338 00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:55,078 not this facocta product. 339 00:12:56,558 --> 00:13:00,170 So, if I want to get back on top... 340 00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:03,783 I need to give Rod Stewart a new forever haircut! 341 00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:05,349 That's what worked before! 342 00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:07,961 Oh, Rod's gonna be so excited! 343 00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:10,093 But I don't know how to get in touch with him. 344 00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:11,486 Hmm... 345 00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,618 Aw, and it was such a good idea... 346 00:13:13,662 --> 00:13:15,795 Oh, man! Lucky duck alert! 347 00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,535 It's a picture of Rod. 348 00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,799 I-I can read the squiggles, 349 00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:22,497 but why don't you read them to me? 350 00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,978 It says Rod's in town for the grand opening 351 00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:27,110 of one of his incredible stew restaurants, 352 00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:28,546 the Art of Stew 353 00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:30,766 by Rod Stew-Art. 354 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,856 Rod Stewart is the same person as Rod Stew-Art?! 355 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,292 Yum, right? 356 00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:39,035 I can taste those big, hard carrot pieces already. 357 00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,570 Restaurant opening is in 15 minutes, Mr. Stewart. 358 00:13:52,614 --> 00:13:54,137 Eh, it's okay. 359 00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:56,705 They can't make the stew without me. 360 00:13:58,663 --> 00:14:01,449 Surprise, Rod-baby! 361 00:14:01,492 --> 00:14:03,581 I'm sure sorry we snuck into your limo, sir. 362 00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:05,061 I-I love your stews. 363 00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:07,063 Josay Bosay! 364 00:14:07,107 --> 00:14:09,587 Give us a kiss, you cheeky bastard! 365 00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:10,937 Mwah! 366 00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:13,722 Josay, why has it been so long? 367 00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:15,221 Oh, I thought it was because we were both 368 00:14:15,245 --> 00:14:17,900 after the smashing Victoria Principal... 369 00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:20,729 legs for days, lot of cowlicks, though, for a woman... 370 00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:23,863 and when she chose me, I figured it ate you up inside. 371 00:14:23,906 --> 00:14:27,040 Josay, I-I thought you were a homosexual? 372 00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:28,650 Oh, yeah. 373 00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:30,217 Anyway, Rod, there's not much time. 374 00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:32,654 I'm very impressed by all the success you've had 375 00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:34,351 with the stew restaurants. 376 00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:35,396 Mmmwah. 377 00:14:35,439 --> 00:14:37,311 What a great new chapter for you. 378 00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:39,704 Speaking of new chapters, I want one. 379 00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,881 And what better way for me to have one 380 00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:44,448 than by giving you a brand-new hairstyle 381 00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:46,842 to be revealed at the grand opening 382 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,931 of one of your suburban stew restaurants? 383 00:14:48,975 --> 00:14:51,499 Seems like a strange plan. 384 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,893 It's not. It's a very good plan. 385 00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:56,069 Just ask Stan. He's on board. 386 00:14:56,112 --> 00:14:58,462 The bloke with the great hair? 387 00:14:58,506 --> 00:14:59,899 That's Stan. 388 00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:02,075 My most supportive friend. 389 00:15:02,118 --> 00:15:04,164 Now, let's get cracking. 390 00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:06,166 Absolutely not, Bosay! 391 00:15:10,605 --> 00:15:12,955 Stan, he's not letting me do it! 392 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,784 Stan, help! 393 00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:28,405 Did we just kidnap Rod Stewart? 394 00:15:28,449 --> 00:15:29,841 Yes, you did! 395 00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:31,191 Okay, that's one vote. 396 00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,978 Greg, here's what we know... 397 00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:38,589 We know Rod Stewart's limousine was hijacked 398 00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:41,244 at the opening of his new stew restaurant. 399 00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:45,161 We know his stews are really flavorful, very rich. 400 00:15:45,205 --> 00:15:46,510 We know Rod Stewart is... 401 00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:48,469 I want to say Australian? 402 00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:51,341 As you can see, the police have them well-surrounded. 403 00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:52,908 I imagine whoever is in there 404 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,998 cannot feel too good about their prospects. 405 00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,565 I'm feeling good about this. 406 00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:59,741 Let's cut your hair and become fabulous together. 407 00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:00,785 Again. 408 00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:03,136 Josay, please stop the limo. 409 00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:05,007 I'm scared for all our lives. 410 00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,574 Roger, what's happening back there? 411 00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,619 The headline is "I'm feeling good." 412 00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:09,969 Rod's warming up. 413 00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:12,275 His eyes aren't doing as much fearful darting. 414 00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:13,885 Few more laps around the ol' highway 415 00:16:13,929 --> 00:16:15,209 and I think he'll let me cut him. 416 00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:16,453 Oh, dear. 417 00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:23,373 And here they come to get their pictures, 418 00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:25,375 those disgusting, scum-sucking... 419 00:16:25,419 --> 00:16:27,856 Nightcrawlers! 420 00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:30,467 If the kidnappers are a bunch of babes with big ones, 421 00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:32,600 we could be looking at 50 Gs. 422 00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:35,211 - Yeahhh. - We gotta get closer. 423 00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:36,778 If Rod Stewart is killed 424 00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:38,519 and we're not there to get the picture, 425 00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:41,435 well, then, are we even loathsome Nightcrawlers at all? 426 00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:46,396 Could be a shootout. 427 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,225 Might crash. Might fireball. Yeah. 428 00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:50,879 Might fireball, boom. Boom! 429 00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:53,621 Look! We can get from the off-ramp to the on-ramp, 430 00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:56,363 blow right past the police line. 431 00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:58,539 Fireball! 432 00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:00,932 Punch it, punch it, punch it, yeah, yeah! 433 00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:01,977 Nowwww... 434 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,631 punch it! 435 00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:05,807 - Noooo! - You said punch it! 436 00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:07,678 The last one I switched it to mean brake! 437 00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:08,984 Punch the brake! 438 00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:14,598 Those gotdamt Nightcrawlers! 439 00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:16,905 Nightcrawlers, desperate for magic footage 440 00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:19,603 of a celebrity death, have caused an accident. 441 00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:22,519 Their pursuit of senselessly gratuitous coverage 442 00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:25,696 sickens me to the very core of my journalistic integrity. 443 00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:28,047 - Should we cut the feed? - Don't be a nitwit. 444 00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:29,700 What if there's a fireball? 445 00:17:32,312 --> 00:17:34,923 Rod, pleeeeease! 446 00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,533 No! 447 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:39,841 Bla-dow! 448 00:17:46,456 --> 00:17:48,328 It's time to give up! 449 00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:52,549 Oh, good, you're coming back. 450 00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:55,117 I forgot to tell you, Roz and Larry reached out. 451 00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:57,902 It was a misunderstanding, but to get me my money back, 452 00:17:57,946 --> 00:17:59,469 they needed my social security number. 453 00:17:59,513 --> 00:18:00,688 Great news, right? 454 00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:02,733 Shut up! Shut your mouth! 455 00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:04,692 I felt guilty and I overcorrected, 456 00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:07,260 but all this lying to be nice has made everything terrible! 457 00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:09,958 Terrible? In what way? 458 00:18:10,001 --> 00:18:12,874 I have no choice now but to tell you like it is. 459 00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:16,660 Only this time, I'm going to try to add in... 460 00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:18,227 some kindness. 461 00:18:18,271 --> 00:18:19,489 Okay. 462 00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,143 I'm scared, but I'm ready. 463 00:18:22,536 --> 00:18:24,103 You're an ass. 464 00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:26,975 Your mind is an explosive source of shitty ideas, 465 00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,542 and all to do what? 466 00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:30,631 Revive a career that didn't matter to begin with? 467 00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:32,720 You're a terrible stylist. 468 00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:34,722 Aside from a total lack of taste, 469 00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:36,550 you're also just not a good haircutter, 470 00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:37,899 on a craftsman level. 471 00:18:37,942 --> 00:18:38,987 Scissor skills are zero. 472 00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:40,945 Everyone knows you're illiterate, 473 00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:43,349 so it's excruciating when you keep showing people your book, 474 00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:46,037 or pretend to sit down with that big quill pen. 475 00:18:46,081 --> 00:18:47,885 - Your breath... - The... The kindness, please? 476 00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:49,650 When is it? When is it?! 477 00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:52,261 You... 478 00:18:52,305 --> 00:18:56,047 make me feel bad when I say how awful you are at everything. 479 00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:59,181 Because you're nice to me. 480 00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:02,445 You make me wish I thought you were a better man. 481 00:19:02,489 --> 00:19:03,794 Wow. 482 00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:05,231 Yeah. 483 00:19:05,274 --> 00:19:06,188 But you're not. 484 00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:09,148 Sweet Maggie May, 485 00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:12,412 both of you are trying so hard to change, to grow. 486 00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:15,284 And maybe I've been stuck in a rut myself. 487 00:19:15,328 --> 00:19:17,721 Josay... let's do it. 488 00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:20,594 This has been a long time coming, Roddy-boy. 489 00:19:20,637 --> 00:19:23,205 Eh, the haircut. L-Let's do the haircut. 490 00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:24,815 I'm horny for that, too. 491 00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:27,078 Seems like someone should sing... 492 00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:28,776 I hadn't prepared... 493 00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:31,605 It's me! 494 00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:35,522 ♪ With that hair, you look a fool ♪ 495 00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:38,960 ♪ But with this cut, you could be cool ♪ 496 00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:43,617 - ♪ You'll appear young ♪ - ♪ You'll appear young ♪ 497 00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:47,838 - ♪ Basically young ♪ - ♪ Basically young ♪ 498 00:19:47,882 --> 00:19:50,058 ♪ More or less young ♪ 499 00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:52,408 ♪ In the right light ♪ 500 00:19:52,452 --> 00:19:55,846 ♪ If they don't get too close ♪ 501 00:19:55,890 --> 00:20:00,503 ♪ You'll appear yoooooung ♪ 502 00:20:13,473 --> 00:20:15,039 They kidnapped Rod! 503 00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:16,171 Murder them! 504 00:20:24,135 --> 00:20:27,313 It's... It's not Rod Stewart. 505 00:20:27,356 --> 00:20:30,533 It's some old skeleton with a different out-of-date haircut. 506 00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:32,143 It's the Clooney! 507 00:20:32,187 --> 00:20:33,971 Rod Stewart isn't here! 508 00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:36,104 And maybe he never even existed! 509 00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:37,453 Let's go home! 510 00:20:41,283 --> 00:20:43,764 Rod, you may have noticed some similarities 511 00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:45,592 between the song I sang in the limo 512 00:20:45,635 --> 00:20:47,550 and your song "Forever Young." 513 00:20:47,594 --> 00:20:49,813 Yeah, kind of. Great. 514 00:20:49,857 --> 00:20:51,946 Then you'll understand why I'm suing you. 515 00:20:55,036 --> 00:20:56,864 Have a great night!