Ahh, the perfect night for the Smith family picnic.
I always feel so fancy walking into a gated community.
Our community, Mom.
We're property owners here.
Hustle up, guys.
If we want to picnic on the family gravesite,
we need butts on blankets by sunset,
and we've only got...
one fist... of time, I guess.
Still don't know how people do that.
Wow! The view up here is amazing.
It better be.
It's the swankiest neighborhood in the whole cemetery.
Can you imagine being buried down there by the restrooms?
That's where the runoff from our bodies ends up.
And you know we're getting the leakiest coffins money can buy.
[woman crying]
Papa, what is this?
Who is this dark weeper on our land?
Babe, isn't that our forever home?
Hey, all our plots are filled.
- What gives? - KLAUS: Phew.
Mine still looks normal.
All right, I think I may know what happened here.
Little while ago, I sold our plots for some quick cash.
I was planning to buy them back before we needed them,
but apparently, someone's family
had to go and walk into a mass tragedy.
Yeah, our family!
Dad, my grave was the one nice thing I owned.
How could you do this?
To buy the sweet Sea-Doos we'll all be enjoying.
Soon as I sell a few things, get some quick cash for a trailer.
But who wants Jet Skis?!
We want our graves!
Hey, there's a lot of pressure that comes
with being the decision-maker in the family.
Not every one of them is gonna be a home run.
Stan, fix it.
How? This looks like a done deal.
Just fix it!
Let's just get out of here, okay?
I can't listen to this shit anymore.
How recent was your tragedy?
Like five minutes ago? God!
[patriotic music plays]
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪
Whoa. Is this God's office?
God wishes. The cemetery owner's.
Okay, when we get in there,
I want us to be prepared for the worst.
We may need to take a worse plot.
You messed this up, Stan.
You go fix it.
TEDDY: Entrée!
Wh... You're not Postmates.
Postmates? Aren't you roasting a pig?
Oh, this? I just like the smell.
Oh, you're a guest, then. I love guests.
Take a look around. Whiff the pig.
I have all the right and good stuff.
Here. Touch this old thing.
Can you sense its temporal immensities?
Uh-huh. I wanted to talk to you
about buying another plot for my family.
- See, we ran into a... - We're full.
- What? - The cemetery.
It's full up, I'm afraid, ever since Gwyneth Paltrow
mentioned us as her favorite summering cemetery
in an article on Goop.
BOTH: 10 Places to Be Buried Before You Die.
Yeah, I get the newsletter.
Everyone was begging to get in after that.
I made millions.
Ooh, do you want to watch me ride a penny farthing?
I'll need a boost. And a push.
Uh-huh. But there has to be something left, right?
Please. I'm desperate.
Well...
I have two spots here, but you won't want them.
I'll take anything! Thank you.
I'm not leaving until I get an eyeful of you on that high bike.
KLAUS: The plots are in Pedophile Alley?
But this is only for confirmed pedophiles!
And if it's only two plots, how are we all gonna fit?
You can squeeze with your mother.
The liver disease will leave her rail-thin anyway.
- Preach. - [zipper closes]
[chuckles] I get this looks bad,
but I'm no sicko.
The cemetery pays me to desecrate these graves
by peeing on them.
It's the only way the city would sanction
a burial site like this.
Okay. Take care.
Camembert, anyone?
What?
You always do this.
You make big dumb decisions based on big dumb ideas,
and it ends up hurting all of us.
I'm sick of it!
We're all sick of it!
Well, I'm sick of all this criticism.
I'd like to see you do any better.
We can't do any worse than picnicking on pedophiles!
All right, then. Be my guest.
My final decision as family shot caller
is that you can all call the shots from now on.
Fine. We obviously need a new place to be buried.
- Agreed. - Top priority.
But we need money because Dad spent it all on Jet Skis.
[rustling]
[gasping]
[coughs]
One of my personas is buried here.
You guys need money?
This place is making a tidy profit,
and there's clearly still a demand.
[sniffs] Is that piss?
God, who keeps doing that?
Maybe this is crazy, but if we opened our own cemetery,
we could make money and give ourselves the best plots!
Two birds, one stone.
More like one tombstone.
Tombstone.
Your first big decision is to open a cemetery?
That is, without a doubt,
the dumbest idea I have ever heard.
You need land for that!
Well, I think it's a great idea.
And we already have the land.
The backyard!
No one ever goes back there, anyway.
Steve, I apologize.
Your idea isn't the dumbest anymore.
Your mother's is.
Well, I think it rules, Mom.
Me too.
Sure, or...
and this is just another way
we could make money with the backyard...
poolside club.
We open up cabanas back there and sell bottle service.
It's friggin' lucrative.
I went to Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club
and paid $40 for a chicken Caesar wrap that never came.
And I loved it!
I tipped another $40.
But that's me. I like to splash.
All right.
Well, if your remission takes a turn,
- you have my number. - [cellphone beeps]
Well, that was every old person I know.
Every one, healthy as an ox.
Gosh, awfully dead around here, isn't it?
I guess you could say this cemetery situation...
Hang on. I worked hard on this one.
I don't want you to miss it.
Remains grave!
Two puns! Call me Ol' Stanny-Two-Puns!
Francine?
Did you go in another room?
Okay, we don't have any business,
and that's not something we can rub in Stan's face.
We just need some outside-the-box ideas
for getting bodies in the ground.
How did that other cemetery make so much money?
Gwyneth Paltrow bought a plot there.
Hey, what if we got an even bigger celebrity
to buy a plot here?
Yeah, but who's bigger than Gwyneth Paltrow?
I once saw a woman bigger than her.
In the movie Shallow Hal.
But that turned out to be her, too.
Let's each take the rest of the day
to brainstorm some names.
[door opens, closes]
[door opens]
TOGETHER: Scottie Pippen!
And look!
He's coming through town in a few days on a book tour
of his new Navy thriller, Deep Danger.
Then it's settled.
We need NBA Hall of Famer Scottie Pippen
- to save our cemetery. - Do we, though?
I feel like we're really just latching onto the first idea
out of the gate each time.
Maybe if we revisit some other ideas...
Oh, my God, no one is feeling your pool pub or whatever.
"Pool pub"?
It's a poolside club!
There's so much human fluid in those things,
you can walk away pregnant just by swimming through it.
So freaking cool.
You're talkin' a poolside club back here?
Killer idea.
Thank you! They won't listen.
They're so horny to get Scottie Pippen instead.
They're getting Pippen to save the cemetery?
Damn, that's a really good choice.
I never would have thought of that.
Huh. Maybe they're right about me.
Maybe I do make bad decisions.
Stan, do you think it's possible
that without the family around to doubt you,
you're starting to doubt yourself a little?
No way. Then again, what do I know?
A second ago, I said I liked one of your ideas, and I meant it.
I mean, that's gotta be a red flag, right?
No, you were right to like it.
- My idea is special. - [water splashes]
I gotta nip this in the bud.
My signature decisiveness is who I am.
Just gotta make one really great choice
and see it through to success
to get back up on that confidence horse.
Oof. "Confidence horse"?
Where did that come from?
I'm an idiot.
I can fix this.
Just one big decision that everything can ride on.
That's all it takes.
And that decision is...
poolside club?
Is... Is that okay?
Are you really deferring to me?
Yeah, I think I am.
Then mount up, Stan.
Because I will be your confidence horse.
♪
More people than I thought.
It's fine. I'm a cucumber.
Just get me close enough to get a shot off.
I love you so much, babe.
You brought a gun?!
Jeff, you cannot shoot Scottie Pippen.
But your mom said we need his body to save the junkyard.
Cemetery. And we only need him to buy a plot.
We just have to talk to him.
Next. What am I signing?
With any luck, an invoice for a coffin!
Mr. Pippen, have you put any thought into your burial plan?
Mm, I have been meaning
to get my affairs in order for awhile now.
Well, we have a gorgeous little cemetery
we'd love to show you some ti...
Okay.
Oh, right now? Great!
This little guy's not with you, is he?
He's got a bad energy.
He's all sweaty like we're on a date.
This isn't a trick date with this dude, is it?
[chuckles] Don't worry about me, Mr. Poppins.
I was just nervous from before about killing you.
Do you really have 11 siblings?
How did you guys go to the movies?
Is the Olympic Village really just one big sex pile?
How many feet high are you?
Was the set of He Got Game really just one big sex pile?
I'm sorry if my family
seems a little starstruck, Mr. Pippin.
We're all huge fans of yours.
I'm gonna be honest with you. My book sales are down.
That's why I agreed to come here.
So, you'll buy a plot?
I can do better.
What would you say to burying me here tonight?
Everybody make up their damn minds!
My publisher thinks I'll sell more books
if I fake my own death.
I'd get a chance to make the best-sellers list,
and you'll get to lock in a celebrity here forever.
I would just need to lay low with you for a while.
So what do you say?
Goodbye, Scottie Pippen.
And hello, savings!
While other cemeteries may ask an arm and a leg for burial,
our family business believes your limbs
should be buried with you.
Unless they were lost
in an industrial accident or something. Ha.
Down here at Sweet Surrender, we got deals to die for
and burial sites for every taste.
From water features
to lush greenery,
we got it all, basically.
And we're excited to announce starting today,
the only thing lower than our prices
is the body of NBA champion Scottie Pippen!
He's dead.
So come on down to the best little cemetery
in Langley Falls, Sweet Surrender,
and spend eternity with Scottie Pippen.
Who is, as we just proved,
dead now.
When did you get a TV in here?
Um, around the same time as the whiteboard.
Oh. Okay. Back to work.
Now, we need a theme that's going to scream cool,
unique, exclusive.
Good luck topping this one Stan...
A Night to Remember.
What do you have?
World War I Christmas Truce.
It's bad. I hate it.
Hey, buddy, come on. I like it.
I'm putting it on the board, I like it so much.
But we'll just know in our hearts
that we're doing mine, okay?
Menu items! Hit me.
Cream-top lasagna?
[gasps] Did you say spiked soft-serve?
- Did I? - Yes!
Adult ice cream. I love it.
We'll call it hard serve. What do you think?
I don't know.
Great. It's settled.
Now, suspenders for the bartenders.
I personally like the denim ones.
The kind with the buckles at the tops
and they're, like, part of the pants.
- Overalls? - No!
Stan, your ideas are terrible!
Okay.
Denim suspenders locked in.
Moving on.
We're sorry for your loss.
But take comfort, your grandmother's coffin
will be touching Scottie Pippen's for eternity.
It's all she ever wanted.
Cha-ching!
Boy, I thought the commercial
might help move the needle a little,
but to fill up in one day?
Wow.
And to think, all these people
wanted to buried next to me,
world-famous novelist Scottie Pippen.
[sniffs] Oof. And they're starting to stink.
We should maybe come up with some sort
of a refrigeration system.
No time. We've got a lot of bodies to prepare.
You know, we could just put up the headstones
and dump all these in the pool.
Seal it over with concrete. You mean a mass grave?
Yes! Thank you, Steve, for putting words to my idea.
I love all the support and positivity without Stan around.
Where's Dad been lately?
And we should have a very chill, very bored hot lady
in a glass case behind the bar.
[sniffs] Ugh! What's that smell?
That's the sweet smell of success.
Take a whiff, Stan.
The dumbest idea you've ever heard worked.
Best of all, we did it without you.
How does that feel?
Bad.
Well... good.
- Dad, are you okay? - He's fine.
You have to get these bodies out of here.
Stan and I are doing the bar
- in the backyard idea. - You're what?
And the health inspector is coming tomorrow
- to give us the all clear. - What?!
I can barely believe it, either!
This has been a dream of mi... Ooh!
How dare you!
Sabotage!
This is a new low, Dad.
Yeah. Eat shit, sad guy!
Admit it, you knew a health inspector would shut us down.
You don't care about Klaus's stupid thing.
You just want us to fail.
Dad, you want us to fail?
I don't know.
If I do, I'm sorry. Probably.
At least I think I'm sorry.
Klaus, what am I?
You're on the clock! Let's get to work.
Look, you've got your stupid thing going on,
and Stan and I have my good thing,
and they are separate things.
Now, stop distracting my employee.
He has napkins to fold!
And make it snappy, Stan!
This isn't Easter brunch at the White House!
This is a place where people will have sex
in the port-o-potties!
♪
I thought I would hate doing this,
but it's actually giving me
some exciting ideas for my new novel.
Thank you! Just leave 'em by the door.
Yeah, just like some really good plots for my new novel.
Fine.
What's your new novel about, Scottie?
The President. On a submarine.
How does any of this make you think of any of that?
I don't know.
But you can picture it, right?
"That's not just an order, radar guy.
It's an executive order."
It's getting a little backed up in here!
When can I start rouging these guys?
It takes however long it takes, Jeff!
How did you even get on makeup duty?
'Cause makeup's my passion!
Wow.
Who hasn't been listening all these years?
[sobbing]
Come on, Frannie.
The health inspector will be here any minute,
and this is still our first burial.
[sobbing loudly]
I say we bury her with him.
I'll wait 30 seconds, but then I'm filling it in.
We aren't gonna make it.
This isn't gonna work.
Thank God! Can we quit now?
All this work is honestly not worth it
just to prove Dad wrong.
[feedback squealing]
Change of plans.
Stan!
He's busy.
What can I help you with?
I need your club for the night.
Club Sweet Surrender?
I'll check availability.
I'm not renting it. You're giving it to me.
You've got just as much to lose as we do
if that health inspector sees all the wrong kind
of hardbodies at your little club.
Hmm, if what she says is right, she might be right.
What do you want the club for, anyway?
We're gonna Weekend at Bernie's this bitch.
[doorbell rings]
Hey!
You must be the health inspector.
The club's in the back.
[dance music playing]
♪
Jet Skis. Very cool.
I don't agree.
Okay.
♪
[water splashes]
[gasps]
♪
What are those back there?
Kickboards.
- Really? - Of course.
In fact, I was just thinking about getting some laps in.
[grunts]
Aah!
[water splashes]
See?
Hmm.
Kickboards at a club...
are healthy.
[deep voice] Great shot!
[high-pitched voice] Nice return!
[deep voice] How did you get to that one?
What'll you have? I'll take a cranberry juice.
So, any skeletons in the closet I should know about?
[laughs]
Oh. Hello.
[gasps]
Janeane! Who the hell is this?
You know I hate it when you flirt with other men.
Now, shut up forever and kiss me.
[exhales]
[inhales deeply]
[gulping]
- Whoo-hoo! - [glass shatters]
Your club is sick,
and I mean that in the way I think my son means it.
A-plus inspection.
That's great news. Thank you for coming.
Ooh, and I'd love to get the number
of that little lady I met in the cabana.
I didn't catch her name,
but we didn't exactly do much talking if yaknowwhaddamean.
Yes! We pulled it off!
I don't understand.
I succeeded, but I don't have my confidence back.
Well, Stan, it was more of my success.
Stan, why did you try to torpedo our cemetery?
Torpedo is a underwater gun.
You said we could decide things for ourselves,
but when we did, you hated that we were succeeding.
Of course I did!
You were all doing so well without me, and...
I got scared.
I started thinking maybe you don't need Ol' Stanny-Two-Puns
and his dumb decisions to kick around anymore.
But I swear, I wasn't trying to sabotage you.
Aww, Stan.
You're more than just your decisions to us.
You're also the guy we get to blame when they go wrong.
We need that.
Yeah, honestly, that was a way easier system.
Dad, we were sorta hoping maybe you'd take the reins again.
But it seemed like things were going so well for you.
You don't want to keep doing your cemetery?
- We hated it! - So many guts!
I think it's affecting our groundwater.
Well, I don't want to run a club, especially with Klaus.
Because you don't want business to ruin our friendship?
Was that an option?
Baby, we want you back.
But of course, it's your decision.
I'll do it.
Now, what are you gonna do with all these bodies?
Yeah, Dad, what the hell?
Don't worry.
I got this.
You sure you're okay with this, Scottie Pippen?
You bet. The sea will take care of me.
That's why they always call me The Admiral.
- Wasn't that David Robinson? - Who knows?
I will return when I have written my next masterpiece.
See? Not all my ideas are bad.
I got rid of the bodies,
and we can be buried in our own backyard.
Two birds, one stone.
More like one tombstone!
[laughter]
Another all-timer, Roger!
Where do you come up with these?
My spectacular imagination!
What the ffff...
Have a great night!