1 00:00:00,242 --> 00:00:03,201 Costa Rica is so amazing, Hayles. 2 00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:07,138 And building houses for the poor is super amazing. 3 00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:09,740 I am so bummed I couldn't join you, 4 00:00:09,742 --> 00:00:12,410 but I'm just about to break in to this factory farm 5 00:00:12,412 --> 00:00:14,412 to free the oppressed cows. 6 00:00:14,414 --> 00:00:16,080 My intel says the cows' rights 7 00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:18,483 are totally gonna be violated tomorrow, 8 00:00:18,485 --> 00:00:20,084 so time is of the essence. 9 00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,886 You're the real hero, Hayley. 10 00:00:21,888 --> 00:00:23,354 ♪ Happy, happy birthday ♪ 11 00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:25,223 ♪ Your birthday is today ♪ 12 00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:26,557 ♪ Happy, happy birthday ♪ 13 00:00:26,559 --> 00:00:28,226 ♪ Enjoy your birthday cake ♪ 14 00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:29,627 Whoa, Babe! 15 00:00:29,629 --> 00:00:31,229 This nice family brought you a cake. 16 00:00:31,231 --> 00:00:34,099 What the hell?! You aren't saving animals! 17 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:36,168 You're at a cool-casual dining spot! 18 00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:39,437 - You don't care about anyone but yourself. - Oh, come on. 19 00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:41,840 I take my birthday off from helping people 20 00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:44,242 and suddenly I "don't care about anyone?" 21 00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:46,978 Wait, your birthday's not for three months. 22 00:00:48,648 --> 00:00:50,315 ♪ You lied about your birthday ♪ 23 00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:51,649 ♪ Give us back our cake ♪ 24 00:00:51,651 --> 00:00:53,051 ♪ You lied about your birthday ♪ 25 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,719 ♪ Please go drown in a lake ♪ 26 00:00:56,322 --> 00:00:59,524 Babe, why don't we just tell them it was my birthday? 27 00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:01,259 It actually is my birthday. 28 00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,862 'Cause I wanted them to sing to me! 29 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:09,462 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 30 00:01:09,497 --> 00:01:12,938 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 31 00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:15,940 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 32 00:01:15,942 --> 00:01:20,912 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 33 00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:25,617 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 34 00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:28,153 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 35 00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:29,221 Aah! 36 00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:33,859 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 37 00:01:36,163 --> 00:01:38,763 Danuta says I don't help people?! 38 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,698 I help people all the time, right?! 39 00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:42,901 Sure, Babe. You helped me get married. 40 00:01:43,861 --> 00:01:45,437 Oh, man. 41 00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,438 - My fins are killing me. - _ 42 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,041 It took me five hours to scoot to Tuttle's house, 43 00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:52,910 and it turns out he's anti-94! 44 00:01:52,912 --> 00:01:55,179 Is Prop 94 that sex move where the lady 45 00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,649 talks into the guy's dong like a microphone? 46 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:58,983 No, that's "the Vin Scully." 47 00:01:58,985 --> 00:02:00,918 Langley has a law that prohibits vaping 48 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,454 within 500 feet of parks and schools. 49 00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:05,123 But if Prop 94 passes, 50 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:08,193 it will reduce that to just five feet. 51 00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:09,594 And that's... good? 52 00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:10,862 Of course it is! 53 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:12,930 Teachers need to vape the most! 54 00:02:12,932 --> 00:02:14,932 Plus, I enjoy vaping by the park, 55 00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:16,667 watching the children play. 56 00:02:16,669 --> 00:02:17,936 Good on you, Klaus. 57 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,604 Be the change you want to see in the world. 58 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:22,407 Hey, would you guys mind helping me out and vote for Prop 94? 59 00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:24,876 You know, since voting's one of those things I can't do 60 00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:26,144 'cause I'm not a citizen? 61 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,612 How are you not a citizen? 62 00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:29,014 You've been here for six Presidents 63 00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:30,482 and four "Tonight Show" hosts. 64 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:33,085 Well, the CIA kind of put me in a fish body and forgot. 65 00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:35,087 No biggie. Just means I can't vote 66 00:02:35,089 --> 00:02:38,156 or go to airports or buy guns at gun shops. 67 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,225 I can still buy them online, though, and at gun shows 68 00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,227 and from shady dudes on Langley Boulevard. 69 00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:46,031 Trust me, I have a lot of guns. 70 00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,699 - Hmm... - Are you getting an idea, Babe, 71 00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:50,435 or do you have to fart? 72 00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:51,770 The faces look the same. 73 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,839 Idea. Well, both, really, 74 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,640 but the idea's the only one you'll hear. 75 00:02:55,642 --> 00:02:58,576 I am gonna help Klaus become a citizen. 76 00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:00,245 - That'll show Danuta. - Okay, cool. 77 00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:02,713 Let's do the citizenship thing. 78 00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:04,583 Wait. You've been talking to Danuta? 79 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,818 She told me she was dead! 80 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:13,012 Who's excited for our trip to the supermarket, gang?! 81 00:03:13,014 --> 00:03:15,214 - I am! - Me, too! - Wowee! 82 00:03:15,216 --> 00:03:18,617 I'm gonna buy freshly-sliced cold cuts from the deli counter. 83 00:03:18,619 --> 00:03:19,885 I'm gonna buy something chilly 84 00:03:19,887 --> 00:03:21,420 from the frozen food aisle. 85 00:03:21,422 --> 00:03:23,355 - Brrr! - Huh. 86 00:03:23,357 --> 00:03:24,757 "Farmers Market." 87 00:03:24,759 --> 00:03:26,158 I wonder what that's all about? 88 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,761 Pass. That's where the farmers shop. 89 00:03:28,763 --> 00:03:30,763 Actually, Dad, farmers markets 90 00:03:30,765 --> 00:03:33,966 are where farmers sell fresh produce directly to the public. 91 00:03:35,102 --> 00:03:36,569 Cutting out the middleman? 92 00:03:36,571 --> 00:03:38,971 The one thing I hate more than farmers 93 00:03:38,973 --> 00:03:41,240 is... middlemen. 94 00:03:41,242 --> 00:03:43,775 It's settled. We're trying the farmers market. 95 00:03:45,446 --> 00:03:47,313 Don't worry about him. Crossing guards 96 00:03:47,315 --> 00:03:49,395 are the middlemen of the streets. 97 00:03:50,079 --> 00:03:51,619 _ 98 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,253 I am so pumped to be a citizen. 99 00:03:54,255 --> 00:03:56,890 I've already picked out my new American name... 100 00:03:56,917 --> 00:03:58,925 Ace McNasty. 101 00:03:58,927 --> 00:04:00,860 That's not how this works, Klaus. 102 00:04:00,862 --> 00:04:02,528 Just follow my lead. 103 00:04:02,530 --> 00:04:04,797 One citizenship please. 104 00:04:04,799 --> 00:04:06,399 Helping accomplished. 105 00:04:06,401 --> 00:04:09,735 Mr. Heissler, you speak basic English. 106 00:04:09,737 --> 00:04:11,337 Good. You have the body of a fish, 107 00:04:11,339 --> 00:04:14,273 but the consciousness of a man, so that's fine. 108 00:04:14,275 --> 00:04:17,610 But you've been here illegally for 20 years?! 109 00:04:17,612 --> 00:04:19,145 That's a huge red flag. 110 00:04:19,147 --> 00:04:20,279 Red flag? 111 00:04:20,281 --> 00:04:22,949 Take that commie shit back to China. 112 00:04:22,951 --> 00:04:25,551 I'm all about the stars and stripes, baby. 113 00:04:25,553 --> 00:04:27,887 I know all the words to Kid Rock's version 114 00:04:27,889 --> 00:04:30,289 of "Sweet Home Alabama." I've wanted to see 115 00:04:30,291 --> 00:04:33,426 Criss Angel's Vegas magic act over 50 times. 116 00:04:33,428 --> 00:04:36,028 I've watched all the "American Pie" movies. 117 00:04:36,030 --> 00:04:37,830 Did you know Stifler has a brother? 118 00:04:37,832 --> 00:04:40,098 Two Stiffmeisters?! 119 00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:42,213 I wouldn't want to be those parents. 120 00:04:42,753 --> 00:04:43,770 _ 121 00:04:44,678 --> 00:04:46,438 You're in this country illegally. 122 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:48,907 I'm sorry, sir. Your days are numbered. 123 00:04:48,909 --> 00:04:52,244 And you're a true American hero. 124 00:04:52,246 --> 00:04:55,381 Thank you for snitching on this illegal alien. 125 00:04:55,383 --> 00:04:56,849 I wasn't snitching. 126 00:04:56,851 --> 00:04:58,384 I was helping my friend! 127 00:04:58,386 --> 00:04:59,985 I'm a helpful person! 128 00:04:59,987 --> 00:05:01,253 ♪ Happy, happy snitch day ♪ 129 00:05:01,255 --> 00:05:02,922 ♪ You sold out your friend ♪ 130 00:05:02,924 --> 00:05:04,190 ♪ Happy, happy snitch day ♪ 131 00:05:04,192 --> 00:05:06,124 ♪ His time here's near its end ♪ 132 00:05:06,126 --> 00:05:07,460 All y'all, get out of here! 133 00:05:07,462 --> 00:05:08,928 Get! 134 00:05:08,930 --> 00:05:11,197 I don't know where they come from. 135 00:05:13,935 --> 00:05:15,334 "Papaya." 136 00:05:15,336 --> 00:05:17,537 That's not a word I say every day. 137 00:05:17,539 --> 00:05:19,805 "Kumquat?" really? 138 00:05:19,807 --> 00:05:21,941 Got a real wiseacre running the fruits here. 139 00:05:21,943 --> 00:05:24,210 Wow. "Kiwis." 140 00:05:24,212 --> 00:05:26,011 Finally someone invented a fruit 141 00:05:26,013 --> 00:05:29,615 that feels like balls shaved exactly a week ago. 142 00:05:30,702 --> 00:05:32,551 What is that?! 143 00:05:34,422 --> 00:05:37,223 Can you guys imagine putting a straw 144 00:05:37,225 --> 00:05:40,292 in one of those things and drinking right out of it? 145 00:05:40,294 --> 00:05:43,429 I'm hearing steel drum music just thinking about it. 146 00:05:43,431 --> 00:05:45,898 An instant vacation. 147 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:47,233 Excuse me, sir? 148 00:05:47,235 --> 00:05:49,969 We'd like to purchase one of your coco-nuts. 149 00:05:49,971 --> 00:05:51,971 Great! You know, for $1 more, 150 00:05:51,973 --> 00:05:53,238 I could open it up for... 151 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,107 Not so fast with the ripoffs, pal. 152 00:05:55,109 --> 00:05:57,109 - We can open it ourselves. - Yeah. 153 00:05:57,111 --> 00:05:58,845 Remember when we lost 20 bucks 154 00:05:58,847 --> 00:06:01,214 having that guy open our bananas? 155 00:06:04,118 --> 00:06:05,518 Thanks to Hayley's "help," 156 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:09,188 I have to go undercover to hide from immigration. 157 00:06:09,190 --> 00:06:12,592 Should I be a silly rabbi or a serious bumblebee? 158 00:06:12,594 --> 00:06:14,834 The costumes cost the same on Amazon. 159 00:06:15,463 --> 00:06:17,396 Sorry about that little setback, Klaus. 160 00:06:17,398 --> 00:06:19,999 But when Hayley Smith says she's gonna help, 161 00:06:20,001 --> 00:06:21,266 she's gonna help. 162 00:06:21,268 --> 00:06:23,001 No! No more helping. 163 00:06:23,003 --> 00:06:24,736 Can't stop helping. Won't stop helping. 164 00:06:24,738 --> 00:06:27,473 I've got a new plan that'll guarantee you citizenship. 165 00:06:27,475 --> 00:06:30,075 You and I are getting married! 166 00:06:30,077 --> 00:06:33,212 But, Babe... aren't we married? 167 00:06:33,214 --> 00:06:34,480 Not anymore! 168 00:06:34,482 --> 00:06:36,949 I went down to the courthouse and got us divorced. 169 00:06:36,951 --> 00:06:39,018 Don't you need my signature for that? 170 00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:40,486 No. I'm your legal guardian. 171 00:06:40,488 --> 00:06:41,887 Oh, yeah. 172 00:06:41,889 --> 00:06:43,156 And Klaus, 173 00:06:43,158 --> 00:06:46,358 I'm your legal wife! I already sent a copy 174 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,961 - of our marriage certificate to immigration. - What?! 175 00:06:48,963 --> 00:06:51,497 The government will never believe we're married! 176 00:06:51,499 --> 00:06:54,700 Look at me! I'm a player for life! 177 00:06:54,702 --> 00:06:56,035 Treat her well, man. 178 00:06:56,037 --> 00:06:57,870 She's a special lady. 179 00:07:14,388 --> 00:07:18,925 Babe... do you remember why I'm crying? 180 00:07:21,146 --> 00:07:23,747 I can't believe you told immigration we're married. 181 00:07:23,749 --> 00:07:24,948 That's fraud! 182 00:07:24,950 --> 00:07:26,483 And not even cool fraud, 183 00:07:26,485 --> 00:07:28,752 like buying a Mercedes hood ornament on Etsy 184 00:07:28,754 --> 00:07:30,153 and gluing it to my Saturn. 185 00:07:30,155 --> 00:07:31,622 They're not gonna deport you, Klaus. 186 00:07:31,624 --> 00:07:34,091 We just need to be convincing in this interview. 187 00:07:34,093 --> 00:07:35,809 Interview?! When?! 188 00:07:36,495 --> 00:07:38,027 Quick, they expect married people 189 00:07:38,029 --> 00:07:39,563 to know everything about each other. 190 00:07:39,565 --> 00:07:43,300 My favorite food is white rice with lots of butter. 191 00:07:43,302 --> 00:07:45,635 Hello, I'm here from the United States Immigration Office 192 00:07:45,637 --> 00:07:48,105 - to discuss your marriage. - We would love 193 00:07:48,107 --> 00:07:49,706 to talk about that at length 194 00:07:49,708 --> 00:07:52,309 and provide supporting documents. 195 00:07:52,531 --> 00:07:54,044 Isn't that right, me love? 196 00:07:54,046 --> 00:07:56,579 Her accents have always delighted me and we're married. 197 00:07:56,581 --> 00:07:59,449 - That's for sure. - Come for to kiss. 198 00:08:01,453 --> 00:08:04,521 Okay, let's start with some easy ones. How old is Hayley? 199 00:08:04,523 --> 00:08:06,923 - 19. - 47. 200 00:08:06,925 --> 00:08:09,259 What is Klaus' favorite kind of music? 201 00:08:09,261 --> 00:08:12,129 - Dixieland jazz? - East Coast hip-hop. 202 00:08:12,131 --> 00:08:13,530 What's Klaus' favorite food? 203 00:08:13,532 --> 00:08:15,398 Ooh! White rice with lots of butter. 204 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,334 - Hot dogs. - What the hell, Klaus?! 205 00:08:17,336 --> 00:08:19,069 I panicked. 206 00:08:19,071 --> 00:08:20,470 Look, I can tell you're nervous, 207 00:08:20,472 --> 00:08:22,139 so I'm gonna cut to the chase. 208 00:08:22,141 --> 00:08:24,141 You're human and you're a fish. 209 00:08:24,143 --> 00:08:26,076 It's weird. We'll continue the process, 210 00:08:26,078 --> 00:08:28,412 but to be honest, I'd prepare for the worst. 211 00:08:28,414 --> 00:08:30,614 Well, I thought this might happen. 212 00:08:30,616 --> 00:08:33,550 Don't worry about me. I'll leave the country. 213 00:08:33,552 --> 00:08:35,952 In fact, I've already rented out my alcove 214 00:08:35,954 --> 00:08:37,221 to a silly rabbi... 215 00:08:37,223 --> 00:08:39,323 Schlomo McHanukkahface. 216 00:08:42,961 --> 00:08:45,161 Dear Lord, thank you for providing us 217 00:08:45,163 --> 00:08:46,763 with this island bounty. 218 00:08:46,765 --> 00:08:49,233 Mahalo. 219 00:08:49,235 --> 00:08:52,035 Hmm. Must be a bad knife. 220 00:08:52,037 --> 00:08:54,037 Another bad knife. 221 00:08:54,039 --> 00:08:56,372 Another bad knife. 222 00:08:56,374 --> 00:08:59,376 - Another bad knife! - Step aside 223 00:08:59,378 --> 00:09:01,912 and let old Frannie work her magic. 224 00:09:03,315 --> 00:09:06,116 I don't get it. That always works with pickle jars. 225 00:09:06,118 --> 00:09:08,185 Out of my way. I got this. 226 00:09:09,121 --> 00:09:10,787 Oh! Ow! 227 00:09:10,789 --> 00:09:13,857 Perhaps we should consult the classic Harry Nilsson song, 228 00:09:13,859 --> 00:09:16,185 "Lime in the Coconut," for tips. 229 00:09:16,261 --> 00:09:19,996 "She put the lime in the coconut, drank 'em both up. 230 00:09:19,998 --> 00:09:21,598 Bellyache. Call the doctor." 231 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,533 He says, "Put the lime in the coconut." 232 00:09:23,535 --> 00:09:26,270 Bullshit! Doesn't say anything about how to open it! 233 00:09:26,272 --> 00:09:28,539 And the doctors cure is the exact same thing 234 00:09:28,541 --> 00:09:30,874 that upset the guy's stomach in the first place. 235 00:09:30,876 --> 00:09:33,410 - What a wackadoo. - Language! 236 00:09:33,412 --> 00:09:36,813 Guys, don't let this coconut drive us nuts. 237 00:09:36,815 --> 00:09:38,148 - That's what it wants. - Wh... 238 00:09:38,150 --> 00:09:39,683 Wh-Wh-What are we gonna do? 239 00:09:39,685 --> 00:09:41,952 How are we gonna open this coconut?! 240 00:09:46,225 --> 00:09:48,225 Well, Klaus, you're being deported 241 00:09:48,227 --> 00:09:50,293 and you cannot take everything. 242 00:09:50,295 --> 00:09:54,832 Goodbye, lanyard from the 1997 AVN Awards. 243 00:09:54,834 --> 00:09:59,169 Goodbye, VHS rewinder in the shape of a Corvette. 244 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,638 That's everything. 245 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,907 And my suitcase is empty. 246 00:10:03,909 --> 00:10:06,109 Goodbye, suitcase. 247 00:10:06,111 --> 00:10:07,778 Keep your suitcase, Klaus. 248 00:10:07,780 --> 00:10:10,514 You again? I have had en... 249 00:10:10,516 --> 00:10:12,649 No one's getting deported. 250 00:10:12,651 --> 00:10:14,651 Hayley? Is that you? 251 00:10:14,653 --> 00:10:17,120 Does this answer your question? 252 00:10:18,857 --> 00:10:22,126 Yes... Yes, it does. 253 00:10:22,128 --> 00:10:24,327 I'll let you two lovebirds talk. 254 00:10:27,533 --> 00:10:29,265 What the hell is happening?! 255 00:10:29,267 --> 00:10:31,402 I went to the CIA and had Dr. Weitzman 256 00:10:31,404 --> 00:10:33,803 put me into a fish body. You know, to make our marriage 257 00:10:33,805 --> 00:10:35,605 more believable to the immigration lady. 258 00:10:35,607 --> 00:10:38,208 - Why didn't you just make me a human?! - Wow. 259 00:10:38,210 --> 00:10:39,743 That would've been a great idea. 260 00:10:39,745 --> 00:10:41,878 If you'd mentioned it to me yesterday! 261 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:45,682 But you didn't! So now we got to do the married fish thing. 262 00:10:45,684 --> 00:10:48,619 And married fish live in the same bowl. 263 00:10:48,621 --> 00:10:51,088 Wait, where's my deep-sea diver guy? 264 00:10:51,090 --> 00:10:53,823 Oh, I got rid of that old thing to make space for a trash can 265 00:10:53,825 --> 00:10:56,092 so I have somewhere to put the rest of your dumb shit. 266 00:10:56,094 --> 00:10:58,095 Perhaps we should have a conversation 267 00:10:58,097 --> 00:11:00,497 before we throw away things that gave me decades 268 00:11:00,499 --> 00:11:02,699 of companionship and sexual triumphs! 269 00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:06,503 Okay, sorry. Hey, by the way, fish question? 270 00:11:06,505 --> 00:11:08,372 I was napping in the treasure chest yesterday 271 00:11:08,374 --> 00:11:10,240 and all of these little pellets fell out of me. 272 00:11:10,242 --> 00:11:12,108 - Is that normal? - What?! 273 00:11:14,046 --> 00:11:17,247 - Why didn't you tell me you laid eggs?! - Why didn't you tell me 274 00:11:17,249 --> 00:11:20,717 - you jerk it in the treasure chest?! - It's called milting. 275 00:11:20,719 --> 00:11:23,675 It's totally natural and I will not be shamed! 276 00:11:24,656 --> 00:11:26,923 Beautiful children, Babe. 277 00:11:26,925 --> 00:11:29,326 They all have your eyes. 278 00:11:42,057 --> 00:11:43,106 Ah! 279 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,743 I think it just grazed me... 280 00:11:47,079 --> 00:11:50,480 Damn you, coconuuut! 281 00:11:54,153 --> 00:11:55,885 Is it even worth it anymore? 282 00:11:55,887 --> 00:11:58,570 The carnage. The shattered lives. 283 00:11:59,225 --> 00:12:01,357 We all remember how happy that woman looked 284 00:12:01,359 --> 00:12:03,560 when she was drinking from that coconut, don't we? 285 00:12:03,562 --> 00:12:04,962 We want to be like her, don't we?! 286 00:12:04,964 --> 00:12:06,964 - Of course. - What kind of a question is that?! 287 00:12:06,966 --> 00:12:09,633 Then we're gonna have to think outside the box. 288 00:12:11,437 --> 00:12:12,969 We're gonna smoke it out. 289 00:12:12,971 --> 00:12:15,606 This might take some time, so we need to be patient. 290 00:12:17,643 --> 00:12:18,930 Be right back. 291 00:12:31,190 --> 00:12:32,606 Stupid coconut. 292 00:12:35,465 --> 00:12:37,796 _ 293 00:12:37,797 --> 00:12:39,530 Ugh, can we go home now? 294 00:12:39,532 --> 00:12:42,732 Doing errands in public makes our fish marriage seem real. 295 00:12:42,734 --> 00:12:44,601 And so does buying a new aquarium. 296 00:12:44,603 --> 00:12:47,871 Did I hear somebody say "Buying a new aquarium?" 297 00:12:47,873 --> 00:12:49,072 That's a real question. 298 00:12:49,074 --> 00:12:52,008 I'm listening to a sound effect CD of a woman vacuuming. 299 00:12:52,010 --> 00:12:54,478 Why, yes. We did say "aquarium." 300 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,413 Now that my husband and I are legally married, 301 00:12:57,415 --> 00:12:59,216 we need to buy one. 302 00:12:59,218 --> 00:13:01,551 Sir, if you truly love your wife, 303 00:13:01,553 --> 00:13:04,220 you won't settle for anything less than the Atlantis. 304 00:13:04,222 --> 00:13:07,491 This one was LeBron's, so it's filled with Sprite right now. 305 00:13:07,493 --> 00:13:09,493 I'm not made of money. 306 00:13:09,495 --> 00:13:11,428 Besides, I'm a 7UP man. 307 00:13:11,430 --> 00:13:13,764 Klaus, this is how helping works. 308 00:13:13,766 --> 00:13:15,766 Well, then I don't want your help. 309 00:13:15,768 --> 00:13:18,769 My life was fine before. You're making it worse! 310 00:13:18,771 --> 00:13:20,838 I am doing this for you, idiot! 311 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,240 You are suffocating me! I can't stand you! 312 00:13:24,242 --> 00:13:26,956 I think I've heard everything I need to hear. 313 00:13:27,746 --> 00:13:29,780 It's obvious you two hate each other, 314 00:13:29,782 --> 00:13:34,184 which means your marriage is definitely real! 315 00:13:34,186 --> 00:13:35,919 Congratulations, sir. 316 00:13:35,921 --> 00:13:38,055 You're gonna be a United States citizen. 317 00:13:38,057 --> 00:13:39,256 It's happening. 318 00:13:39,258 --> 00:13:42,359 I'm gonna be Ace McNasty. 319 00:13:44,797 --> 00:13:47,765 Sign there and there. 320 00:13:49,468 --> 00:13:50,800 Welcome to America. 321 00:13:50,802 --> 00:13:52,669 You have 20 days to become obese. 322 00:13:52,671 --> 00:13:55,405 Honey? Hurry up with the champagne! 323 00:13:55,407 --> 00:13:58,609 I probably shouldn't say this, but to be honest, 324 00:13:58,611 --> 00:14:02,412 I was kind of hoping this was a sham marriage. 325 00:14:02,414 --> 00:14:04,681 I have been thinking about you a lot. 326 00:14:04,683 --> 00:14:07,885 Wait? You're... attracted to me? 327 00:14:07,887 --> 00:14:09,286 Sexually?! 328 00:14:09,288 --> 00:14:11,354 Let's bone, baby! 329 00:14:11,356 --> 00:14:14,357 But... your wife? 330 00:14:14,359 --> 00:14:16,760 What wife? My marriage is a sham. 331 00:14:16,762 --> 00:14:18,629 Not real in the slightest. 332 00:14:18,631 --> 00:14:20,164 - It's go time. - Um. 333 00:14:20,166 --> 00:14:22,966 Actually, I need about 10 minutes for my pill to kick in. 334 00:14:24,172 --> 00:14:27,370 You fell for the oldest trick in the book... 335 00:14:27,372 --> 00:14:29,439 a lie. 336 00:14:29,441 --> 00:14:31,175 You're outta here. 337 00:14:31,177 --> 00:14:32,509 And you're going with him. 338 00:14:32,511 --> 00:14:33,844 Wait, you can't deport me! 339 00:14:33,846 --> 00:14:35,245 I am a U.S. citizen! 340 00:14:35,247 --> 00:14:36,446 Deported-fish-says-what. 341 00:14:36,448 --> 00:14:38,382 - Huh? - You're still going. 342 00:14:38,384 --> 00:14:39,527 - What? - Gotcha! 343 00:14:40,252 --> 00:14:41,918 Freeze! 344 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,321 Wait, if I've got the banana, 345 00:14:44,323 --> 00:14:46,123 that means... 346 00:14:46,125 --> 00:14:48,258 Oh, no... 347 00:14:52,515 --> 00:14:54,669 _ 348 00:14:55,425 --> 00:14:58,693 Buenos días, Juan Pablo. 349 00:14:58,695 --> 00:15:00,762 Hola, Señor McNasty. 350 00:15:00,764 --> 00:15:03,364 I made some special guacamole 351 00:15:03,366 --> 00:15:06,701 for my favorite deportee. 352 00:15:06,703 --> 00:15:08,903 Mmm. I'll never figure out 353 00:15:08,905 --> 00:15:11,972 how you get a chest hair in each bite. 354 00:15:11,974 --> 00:15:14,041 My darling Rosita. 355 00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:17,512 You are not the most beautiful prostitute in Mexico, 356 00:15:17,514 --> 00:15:19,981 but you are the most affordable. 357 00:15:19,983 --> 00:15:22,517 And I love that you cut my hair. 358 00:15:22,518 --> 00:15:24,009 _ 359 00:15:24,044 --> 00:15:26,715 _ 360 00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:29,924 I love it when you talk dirty. 361 00:15:34,931 --> 00:15:39,534 Honey, I'm home with frrresh guaaac! 362 00:15:39,536 --> 00:15:42,203 Shove your guac up your ass, Klaus. 363 00:15:42,205 --> 00:15:44,338 Why are we even here anyway? Shouldn't they have deported you 364 00:15:44,340 --> 00:15:46,207 - to Germany? - You know ICE. 365 00:15:46,209 --> 00:15:49,010 They hear an accent... they assume you're from Mexico. 366 00:15:49,012 --> 00:15:51,812 Well, I'm sick of guac. I'm sick of being a fish. 367 00:15:51,814 --> 00:15:54,081 And I'm very nervous about what Dr. Weitzman 368 00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,951 is doing to my human body back at the CIA. 369 00:15:56,953 --> 00:15:59,954 Just gonna take out a little loan 370 00:15:59,956 --> 00:16:02,791 and put a hotel on Park Place. 371 00:16:08,364 --> 00:16:11,032 I can't take it here anymore, Klaus. 372 00:16:11,034 --> 00:16:15,102 You can't see my tears because I'm underwater, but I'm sobbing. 373 00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:19,774 I need to get out of Mexico and back in my body. 374 00:16:21,243 --> 00:16:22,843 Listen, I know a guy in town 375 00:16:22,845 --> 00:16:25,179 who can smuggle us back into the U.S. 376 00:16:25,181 --> 00:16:27,381 He's super chill. 377 00:16:31,987 --> 00:16:34,121 Excuse me, señor? 378 00:16:35,791 --> 00:16:37,325 Gimme all your money, or I'll shoot you 379 00:16:37,327 --> 00:16:38,526 in the [BLEEP] heads. 380 00:16:38,528 --> 00:16:39,861 I-I don't have any. 381 00:16:39,863 --> 00:16:42,997 Maybe we can work out some sort of deal? 382 00:16:42,999 --> 00:16:44,732 Hayley, seduce him. 383 00:16:44,734 --> 00:16:47,869 Show him that crazy hole your eggs come out of. 384 00:16:51,942 --> 00:16:54,542 We're two fish in the middle of the desert. 385 00:16:54,544 --> 00:16:58,212 - We're dead. - Adiós, Meh-hico. 386 00:16:58,214 --> 00:17:02,951 Rosita, you taught me so much about the art of lovemaking. 387 00:17:02,953 --> 00:17:06,287 And you talked me out of that perm. 388 00:17:06,289 --> 00:17:07,822 And guacamole, 389 00:17:07,824 --> 00:17:10,692 - I don't know where to start. - Wait, wait, wait, 390 00:17:10,694 --> 00:17:14,295 Klaus, did you actually like it in Mexico? 391 00:17:14,297 --> 00:17:16,630 Well, if I had to pick, 392 00:17:16,632 --> 00:17:18,365 it'd be in the top... 393 00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:20,235 one place I've ever been. 394 00:17:20,237 --> 00:17:23,638 But you need your real body and your real husband. 395 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,106 Oh, my God. 396 00:17:25,108 --> 00:17:28,309 You didn't want to leave, but you did it for me. 397 00:17:28,311 --> 00:17:30,644 I was helping you to prove Danuto wrong, 398 00:17:30,646 --> 00:17:33,848 but you were helping me because I needed it. 399 00:17:35,585 --> 00:17:39,454 - Thank you, Klaus. - Oh, we're gonna get out of this yet. 400 00:17:39,456 --> 00:17:41,122 You'll see. Ah! 401 00:17:41,888 --> 00:17:43,124 Help! 402 00:17:43,126 --> 00:17:45,126 - Help me! - Oh, no. 403 00:17:45,128 --> 00:17:46,995 Hayley Smith has learned her lesson. 404 00:17:46,997 --> 00:17:49,052 My helping days are over. 405 00:17:49,866 --> 00:17:52,467 Wait, what's that? 406 00:17:52,469 --> 00:17:53,594 It's a truck! 407 00:17:54,004 --> 00:17:56,104 We are saved. 408 00:17:57,122 --> 00:17:59,458 _ 409 00:17:59,609 --> 00:18:01,409 There it is... America. 410 00:18:01,411 --> 00:18:05,079 Home of the Bronx Zoo and many other wonderful things. 411 00:18:05,081 --> 00:18:06,881 Including, of course, the amazing 412 00:18:06,883 --> 00:18:09,284 aforementioned Bronx Zoo. 413 00:18:10,353 --> 00:18:12,887 Sir, please step out of the vehicle. 414 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,827 - Quick, hide in the fruit. - But we need water, don't we? 415 00:18:19,829 --> 00:18:22,263 Trust me. I have an idea. 416 00:18:24,434 --> 00:18:26,367 Well, if loving soda was a crime, 417 00:18:26,369 --> 00:18:29,370 this gentleman would be in deep bubbles. 418 00:18:30,627 --> 00:18:35,242 Hey... I should save my best ha-ha's for when I'm feeling blue. 419 00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:37,311 Yeah. I'll put 'em in a notebook 420 00:18:37,313 --> 00:18:39,380 called, "Lem's Gems." 421 00:18:39,382 --> 00:18:41,549 I'm Lem, by the way. 422 00:18:43,853 --> 00:18:48,122 We've exhausted all conventional coconut opening options. 423 00:18:48,124 --> 00:18:51,059 It's time to embrace the Dark Arts. 424 00:18:51,061 --> 00:18:54,862 ♪ I am the Mindfreak... Mindfreak... ♪ 425 00:18:54,864 --> 00:18:56,531 ♪ Mindfreak... ♪ 426 00:18:56,533 --> 00:18:58,999 The Criss Angel. 427 00:18:59,001 --> 00:19:01,936 The freakiest magician on the planet. 428 00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:06,674 ♪ Are you ready... are you ready... are you ready? ♪ 429 00:19:06,676 --> 00:19:11,746 Who's ready to get their minds bloooooown?! 430 00:19:11,748 --> 00:19:13,681 Me, me. I am. 431 00:19:15,886 --> 00:19:19,020 Sir, please inspect the box. 432 00:19:19,022 --> 00:19:21,156 It's solid. No trapdoors. 433 00:19:21,158 --> 00:19:23,024 Nothing underneath. Correct? 434 00:19:25,162 --> 00:19:27,561 It's a regular box, Criss with two S's. 435 00:19:27,563 --> 00:19:31,298 Now let's see what happens when we put a regular coconut 436 00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,300 in this regular box. 437 00:19:35,963 --> 00:19:38,840 And slice through it with a regular blade! 438 00:19:50,547 --> 00:19:53,454 Coco-nut! 439 00:19:53,456 --> 00:19:55,055 That's right everybody. 440 00:19:55,057 --> 00:19:57,125 The entire Hayley and Klaus story 441 00:19:57,127 --> 00:20:00,395 took place before the coconut story. 442 00:20:00,397 --> 00:20:03,998 And Hayley and Klaus were inside the coconut 443 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,800 the whole time! 444 00:20:05,802 --> 00:20:09,737 Mindfreeeaaak! 445 00:20:09,739 --> 00:20:11,338 - Wowza. - Holy moly! 446 00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:13,407 Good thing the steamroller didn't work. 447 00:20:13,409 --> 00:20:15,876 Oh, yeah! 448 00:20:15,878 --> 00:20:17,812 Mindfreak, baby! 449 00:20:21,551 --> 00:20:25,286 Mindfreeeaaak! 450 00:20:25,288 --> 00:20:29,356 Off he goes to Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas, where he lives. 451 00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:32,493 And under the terms of his contract, 452 00:20:32,495 --> 00:20:33,761 will die. 453 00:20:33,763 --> 00:20:35,963 But I am happy to be home, 454 00:20:35,965 --> 00:20:38,032 even if I am not a citizen. 455 00:20:38,034 --> 00:20:40,034 You want to be a citizen? Why didn't you ask me? 456 00:20:40,036 --> 00:20:42,770 CIA agents can grant anyone citizenship. 457 00:20:42,772 --> 00:20:44,572 Ace McNasty, 458 00:20:44,574 --> 00:20:47,242 I hereby dub you an American. 459 00:20:49,246 --> 00:20:52,180 Excuse me, has, uh, anybody seen my eyeliner? 460 00:20:52,182 --> 00:20:55,516 I think it fell out of my pocket while I was Mindfreaking. 461 00:20:55,518 --> 00:20:57,252 Bye-bye. See you soon. 462 00:20:59,417 --> 00:21:01,439 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com