1 00:00:01,044 --> 00:00:03,568 ♪ 2 00:00:03,612 --> 00:00:05,483 Man, I love weekdays. 3 00:00:05,527 --> 00:00:07,485 I know, right? 4 00:00:07,529 --> 00:00:09,357 The weekends are all "go, go, go." 5 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,577 I need five full days to just chill. 6 00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:13,665 [cellphone rings] 7 00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:15,667 Hello? 8 00:00:15,711 --> 00:00:17,471 ROGER: Francine, I'm having a character emergency. 9 00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:19,410 There's a small, brown bag in the fridge. 10 00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:22,457 I need you to bring it to 1466 Hemlock Street right now. 11 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:26,243 Ooh, Roger wants me to deliver a creepy package 12 00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:27,940 to one of his characters. 13 00:00:27,984 --> 00:00:29,942 I can't wait to see what he's up to. 14 00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:32,815 I bet it's, like, a bunch of human anuses 15 00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:35,035 he's gonna dump into the fountain at the mall. 16 00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:36,384 Ooh, ya think? 17 00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:38,908 I swim in that fountain sometimes. 18 00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:41,432 There it is. Gimme, gimme! 19 00:00:41,476 --> 00:00:44,087 Just carrots? 20 00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:47,308 Unless that's something fun 21 00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:50,093 like toddler fingers covered in Cheeto dust? 22 00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:51,703 Yeah, right. 23 00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:53,662 Naomi Carcaterra doesn't have the metabolism 24 00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:55,403 the other gals in the office do. 25 00:00:55,446 --> 00:00:57,753 We're doing ice-cream cake for Jill's birthday, 26 00:00:57,796 --> 00:00:59,296 and I want to fill up on something healthy 27 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,973 so I'm not tempted. 28 00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:04,151 You had me come all the way out here for this? 29 00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:05,717 This is so unlike you. 30 00:01:05,761 --> 00:01:08,111 This is so... boring. 31 00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:10,505 Boring? [laughs] No, no, no. 32 00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:12,507 Naomi can curl her tongue. 33 00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:15,031 Look. Doesn't it look like a taco? 34 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,598 I think it looks like a taco. 35 00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:20,210 ♪ 36 00:01:20,254 --> 00:01:22,908 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 37 00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:26,390 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 38 00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:29,480 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 39 00:01:29,524 --> 00:01:33,484 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 40 00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:35,878 ♪ 41 00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:39,055 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 42 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,318 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 43 00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:42,580 Aah! 44 00:01:42,624 --> 00:01:44,582 ♪ 45 00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:49,805 WOMEN: ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 46 00:01:49,848 --> 00:01:51,546 Good news, everybody. 47 00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:53,176 The doctors figured out why you're seeing birds 48 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,592 when there aren't any birds around? 49 00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:56,420 Better. 50 00:01:56,464 --> 00:01:58,683 They mailed us the tickets for our cruise. 51 00:01:58,727 --> 00:02:00,468 Hot damn. We're really doing it. 52 00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:03,732 - All right! - Unh, big boat time! 53 00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:05,951 It says they recently converted their infirmary 54 00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:07,605 to a Teen Hang Zone. 55 00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:09,041 Oh, hell yeah! 56 00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:11,479 I dominate in international waters. 57 00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:13,283 I got the skimpiest little teal bathing suit... 58 00:02:13,307 --> 00:02:15,222 Little teal bathing suit. Yes. 59 00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:16,875 How does Hayley do the high seas? 60 00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:19,182 No food, no water. 61 00:02:19,226 --> 00:02:21,750 Piña coladas only. 62 00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:23,708 You know what I'm looking forward to? 63 00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,971 Swimming in a pool with 30 people 64 00:02:26,015 --> 00:02:27,756 who have active diarrhea. 65 00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:29,932 F'ing "A," we're doing a cruise. 66 00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:32,804 - Whoo! - Yeah-ha-ha! 67 00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:34,937 What's for dinner? I'll just take a nibble. 68 00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:36,982 Ate an entire ice-cream cake today. 69 00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:39,202 Well, look who it is. 70 00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:41,161 Would you believe this bum had me drive 71 00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:43,598 all the way out to Chimdale Acres 72 00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:46,470 just to bring carrots to some boring-ass character? 73 00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:48,559 Wow, Chimdale Acres? 74 00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:50,735 No one ever goes out there, unless, of course, 75 00:02:50,779 --> 00:02:52,800 you're looking for the best trade-in price for your Toyota, 76 00:02:52,824 --> 00:02:55,218 Nissan, or anything from the Chrysler family. 77 00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:58,178 Well, sadly, I wasn't out there to get an unbeatable deal 78 00:02:58,221 --> 00:03:00,658 from Carruthers Auto Mall, Steve. 79 00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:04,793 Instead, I was experiencing one of Roger's lamest personas yet. 80 00:03:04,836 --> 00:03:06,490 What? Naomi's great. 81 00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:09,014 She's thinking about joining Costco. 82 00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:10,407 Naomi? 83 00:03:10,451 --> 00:03:11,669 In Costco? 84 00:03:11,713 --> 00:03:13,671 I mean, come on. 85 00:03:13,715 --> 00:03:15,369 What happened, Roger? 86 00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,980 The beauty of my characters is their diversity. 87 00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:19,590 They can't all be serial killers. 88 00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:23,551 Your last serial-killer persona never even killed anyone. 89 00:03:23,594 --> 00:03:26,031 He got sidetracked going to estate sales in the desert. 90 00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:28,773 People are basically giving away turquoise out there. 91 00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:30,645 Wow, Roger. 92 00:03:30,688 --> 00:03:32,777 Have you lost your edge? 93 00:03:32,821 --> 00:03:34,301 How dare you? 94 00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:36,346 I'm the same old Roger I've always been. 95 00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:38,043 I don't know. 96 00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:40,176 You were just Ricky Spanish for a whole week, 97 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,222 and you spent the entire time on the computer, 98 00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:44,746 quietly rating movies on IMDb. 99 00:03:44,789 --> 00:03:46,356 You've clearly lost something. 100 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,837 I haven't lost anything, and I'll prove it to you. 101 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,187 [crying] 102 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,972 Man, he really took the air out of this dinner. 103 00:03:54,016 --> 00:03:55,800 You know what'll steer us back? 104 00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,586 ♪ Little teal ♪ 105 00:03:58,629 --> 00:04:01,241 ♪ Bathing suit, bathing suit, bathing suit ♪ 106 00:04:01,284 --> 00:04:03,286 - Whoo! Oh, yeah. - Whoo! Whoo-hoo! 107 00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:05,290 - Yeah! I made him. - ♪ Little teal bathing suit ♪ 108 00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,465 [door opens, closes] 109 00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:10,424 Told ya I haven't lost it. 110 00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,861 I just pulled off the world's greatest heist. 111 00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:16,299 Behold the Mona Lisa. 112 00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:19,737 What the? Dr. Slippy's Boner Grease-a? 113 00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:21,826 Aah, my partner set me up! 114 00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:24,089 Or, I'm not an art expert, 115 00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:26,178 but is this the Mona Lisa? 116 00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:29,312 Aaaah! 117 00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,661 Roger, what is it? 118 00:04:30,705 --> 00:04:33,316 Meet Winston Equity III. 119 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,468 I found a bunch of guys who look kind of like Vin Diesel 120 00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:38,190 and set up a "Boiler Room" -style brokerage firm. 121 00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:41,150 Now we're about to get rich to the tune of... wait. 122 00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:43,500 IT hasn't set up our computers yet? 123 00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:45,415 We haven't made or lost any money! 124 00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:47,243 Aaah! 125 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,419 I'm Mike Microscope, 126 00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,682 and I figured out how to clone people. 127 00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:52,901 Feast your eyes. 128 00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:54,076 Nice try. 129 00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:56,078 I've already seen the Vin Diesels. 130 00:04:56,121 --> 00:04:58,733 Damn it. Personas are hard. 131 00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:01,605 ♪ 132 00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:04,869 Hey, whatever happened with your girlfriend from the museum? 133 00:05:04,913 --> 00:05:07,785 The old lady? I still haven't broken up with her. 134 00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:08,917 I know, I know. 135 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,353 I-I just really feel like 136 00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:13,400 natural causes are gonna bail me out. 137 00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:15,837 Welp, time to face the music. 138 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,317 My personas stink, 139 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,623 and I can't pull off wacky shenanigans anymore. 140 00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,669 I really have lost my edge. 141 00:05:21,712 --> 00:05:24,889 Oh, I'm sorry I was so right. 142 00:05:24,933 --> 00:05:26,891 Is there anything I can do to help? 143 00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:30,417 Well, I got 9,000 uninspired years before I die, 144 00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:34,682 so just humor me and my dull personas. 145 00:05:34,725 --> 00:05:37,554 Maybe take a little girl... whose only noteworthy quality 146 00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:40,818 is her ability to chew raisins very thoroughly... to the park. 147 00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:44,169 Of course. 148 00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:46,650 Well, now that I'm all alone, 149 00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:49,218 I can drink the grease directly out of the pepperoni cups 150 00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,525 without a single iota of shame. 151 00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,614 [door opens] 152 00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:55,833 You're disgusting. 153 00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:58,358 Noooooooo! 154 00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:04,929 Mm, I'm really pulverizing these raisins. 155 00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:07,018 It's probably nothing, 156 00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:09,499 but I feel like everyone's looking at us. 157 00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:11,414 You're crazy. 158 00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:15,113 Oh, my God! It's little Bonnie Ramirez! 159 00:06:15,157 --> 00:06:16,854 That is her, the pageant girl 160 00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:19,204 who went missing three years ago. 161 00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:23,339 Bonnie's alive, and that woman kidnapped her! 162 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,908 Yes, it is me, little Bonnie Ramirez. 163 00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:29,432 Someone please free me from this monster. 164 00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:30,999 [gasping] 165 00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:33,741 Roger, what the hell is going on? 166 00:06:33,784 --> 00:06:36,831 Decided to dust off an old chestnut to teach you a lesson. 167 00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:39,964 You're about to be charged with child abduction. 168 00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:42,619 [tires squealing] 169 00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:45,143 Who's lost their edge now, you perv? 170 00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:48,190 WOMAN: That poor, confident little girl. 171 00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:50,192 NARRATOR: Tonight on Unsolved Mysteries 172 00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:56,285 The New Class, an Iowa woman is just gone, 173 00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,505 and a little boy who can draw Manny 174 00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,898 from Modern Family perfectly, 175 00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:04,162 even though he's never heard of the show. 176 00:07:04,206 --> 00:07:07,383 Could something supernatural be at play? 177 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:11,082 But first, we have an Unsolved Mysteries update. 178 00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:14,521 Three years ago, child-pageant queen 179 00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:17,175 Bonnie Ramirez went missing. 180 00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:21,397 With no clues left behind, Bonnie was gone forever. 181 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:24,705 Until this week, when she was spotted at the park 182 00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:28,535 with a woman going by Francine Smith. 183 00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:30,275 Authorities believe Smith has been 184 00:07:30,319 --> 00:07:34,366 holding little Bonnie captive this entire time. 185 00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:36,760 Smith is now in police custody 186 00:07:36,804 --> 00:07:39,502 and scheduled for trial this week. 187 00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:42,592 And additionally, to the growing number of viewers 188 00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:46,509 posting online that I'm the one kidnapping all these kids, 189 00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:48,990 see? Not me. 190 00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:54,212 Your mother's obviously gonna be fine. 191 00:07:54,256 --> 00:07:56,911 This is just some silly feud between her and Roger. 192 00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:59,957 But I do have one concern... the cruise. 193 00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,611 We were supposed to go this week. 194 00:08:01,655 --> 00:08:03,831 And I'd argue we still should. 195 00:08:03,874 --> 00:08:07,095 A trial like this can't be easy on the family of the accused. 196 00:08:07,138 --> 00:08:08,966 I think we deserve a getaway. 197 00:08:09,010 --> 00:08:10,794 We'd be back before the verdict. 198 00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:12,535 - I'm in. - Wonderful. 199 00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,668 There is just one more issue. 200 00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,887 Your mom purchased the cruise in her name, 201 00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:19,455 and Party Artie's Floating Family Shitshow 202 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,978 won't let us onboard without her. 203 00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:25,635 We just need someone who can pass for her. 204 00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:27,202 She looks like Mom. 205 00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:29,421 HAYLEY: Maybe more like Mom than Mom. 206 00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:31,293 In my head, when I think of your mom, 207 00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:33,077 I now picture this woman. 208 00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:35,079 It's settled. We're going on the cruise. 209 00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:37,038 It's what Francine... and by that, 210 00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:39,170 I mean this woman... would have wanted. 211 00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:44,219 [buzzer, door clicks] 212 00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:46,700 Your court-appointed attorney's here. 213 00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:49,354 Him? Unh-unh. No way. 214 00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:52,401 Sorry. No one else is willing to defend a monster like you. 215 00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:54,621 - [growls] - Aaaah! 216 00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:56,579 What the hell have you gotten me into? 217 00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,581 I'm going on trial! 218 00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:01,323 Wow, sounds like the work of someone 219 00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:03,281 who hasn't lost their edge. 220 00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:04,587 Jesus, Roger. 221 00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:06,458 I admit it, okay? 222 00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:08,591 You haven't lost your edge or you're not washed up 223 00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:10,245 or whatever this is about. 224 00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:13,378 Just tell everyone I didn't do it so we can end this. 225 00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:15,250 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 226 00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:16,991 You're just telling me what I want to hear 227 00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:19,602 because you're desperate, but I'm gonna show you 228 00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:22,605 I've still got it and in undeniable fashion. 229 00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,607 No. 230 00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:27,741 I'm gonna give the performance of my life as little Bonnie, 231 00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:29,743 bringing you to the brink of conviction, 232 00:09:29,786 --> 00:09:32,746 only to be topped by my public-defender character... 233 00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:34,748 Ed Dickle, the ultimate showman... 234 00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:36,488 who's gonna rake that little girl 235 00:09:36,532 --> 00:09:38,447 over the coals to get you off. 236 00:09:38,490 --> 00:09:41,145 Let's get to work. 237 00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:43,147 What's this? 238 00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:46,760 An even smaller briefcase? 239 00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:48,936 Another? 240 00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:50,633 A key? 241 00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,722 But to what? 242 00:09:52,766 --> 00:09:54,768 This. 243 00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:56,944 The ultimate showman! 244 00:09:56,987 --> 00:09:59,511 Oh, here's my phone bill. Hang on. 245 00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,446 I should knock this out while I'm thinking about it. 246 00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:02,993 Got a charge on here I don't recognize. 247 00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:05,996 WOMAN: Your call is important to us... 248 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,432 Trust me, you want this resolved 249 00:10:07,476 --> 00:10:09,565 so I can give your case full focus. 250 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,480 [hold music playing] 251 00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,395 Can you even pull this off, 252 00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,615 Bonnie and the lawyer in the same room? 253 00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:18,748 You forget I got super-speed, baby. 254 00:10:18,792 --> 00:10:20,924 [slow-motion] Roger! 255 00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:26,036 Sorry, was trying to do something cool there, 256 00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:27,235 but you get the point. 257 00:10:27,278 --> 00:10:28,715 I'm over here now. I'm fast. 258 00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:31,021 So you were the real Bonnie Ramirez, huh? 259 00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:33,110 Yep. But got bored with the whole pageant thing, 260 00:10:33,154 --> 00:10:35,069 so I just wandered off one day. 261 00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:36,133 Didn't think the family was gonna make 262 00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:37,811 such a big deal about it. 263 00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:39,658 I mean, they only knew her for like five years. 264 00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:41,118 JAG was on twice that long, 265 00:10:41,162 --> 00:10:43,207 and no one's crying about that going off the air. 266 00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:46,341 Oh, God, such a good show! 267 00:10:46,384 --> 00:10:48,952 [horn blows] 268 00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:51,868 Thank you so much for coming with us, Isabella. 269 00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:53,827 It's the least I could do. 270 00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:56,090 This must be a very hard time for you. 271 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,440 Good thing I'm literally in Margaritaville 272 00:10:58,483 --> 00:11:00,355 with all these piña coladas. 273 00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:02,270 - Mmm. - Hey, Steve. 274 00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:04,378 Am I gonna see your moves in the dance contest tomorrow? 275 00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:06,970 Y-You... You know it. 276 00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:09,016 You know that badass? 277 00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:11,627 She's the only kid I couldn't bully off the foosball table. 278 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,542 I met her at the Teen Hang Zone, 279 00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:15,631 but it's not gonna matter after tomorrow. 280 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,720 She's expecting me to perform in the dance contest, 281 00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:18,982 and I'm terrible. 282 00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:21,115 You know, Steve, I used to dance 283 00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:23,552 competitively back in Johannesburg. 284 00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:25,162 I could show you a few steps. 285 00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:27,338 Wow, that would be amazing. 286 00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:29,384 Root beer, red wine, 287 00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:31,081 another piña colada for the lady, 288 00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:34,128 and an Arnold Palmer for the gentleman. 289 00:11:34,171 --> 00:11:36,826 Stan, what's wrong? 290 00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:39,176 It's just this is an Arnold Palmer, 291 00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:42,484 and I asked for a triple-vodka Coke. 292 00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,399 It's fine. It's basically the same thing. 293 00:11:44,442 --> 00:11:46,967 Stick up for yourself, Stan. 294 00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:49,752 You're the only man here wearing a shirt to dinner. 295 00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:53,190 You deserve to be treated right. 296 00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:54,626 Hi. Excuse me. Sorry. 297 00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:56,193 I hope it's not too much trouble, 298 00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:58,718 but I actually ordered a triple-vodka Coke, 299 00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:00,110 and, for some reason, 300 00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,546 you chose to [bleep] me in the face 301 00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:04,898 with what looks like a glass of piss and shit. 302 00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:07,465 Now, get me what I ordered before I shoot you to death 303 00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,119 in front of this crowd full of drunks. 304 00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:10,294 Please. 305 00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,122 All right, Dad! 306 00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,515 [gavel bangs] 307 00:12:13,558 --> 00:12:15,125 Little Bonnie, 308 00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:18,433 please take a look around the room. 309 00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:20,478 Is the person who imprisoned you here today? 310 00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:21,566 Yes. Her. 311 00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:23,046 Pink dress. 312 00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,395 Oh, it was horrible. 313 00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:26,920 She made me call her "Mama God." 314 00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:29,836 She kept me in a cage and only fed me moths. 315 00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:30,924 [jurors gasp] 316 00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:34,579 Actually developed a taste for 'em. 317 00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:38,366 [panting] 318 00:12:38,409 --> 00:12:41,369 Mm. Did I miss anything while I was gone? 319 00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:43,371 Aunt Becky from Full House up to anything? 320 00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:45,416 [laughs] I'm just playing. 321 00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:47,897 Even I heard about that college-admissions scandal. 322 00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:50,682 Yep, Mama God told me and Nancy all about it. 323 00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:52,206 I'm sorry. Who? 324 00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:54,034 Oh, Nancy was just one of the many, 325 00:12:54,077 --> 00:12:56,950 many other children mashed into that cage with me. 326 00:12:56,993 --> 00:12:58,429 [spectators gasp] 327 00:12:58,473 --> 00:13:01,389 You're supposed to tell me everything. 328 00:13:01,432 --> 00:13:03,870 So, Mr. Dickle, it's your turn 329 00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:06,916 to cross-examine little Bonnie. 330 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,440 Finally, our side of the story. 331 00:13:09,484 --> 00:13:10,833 All good, dude. 332 00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:13,096 Are you sure? I'm in pretty deep here. 333 00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,795 Relax. I got an ace in the hole. You're golden. 334 00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,666 Very well, Mr. Dickle. 335 00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:19,886 You may now call your first witness. 336 00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:23,715 Time to see why the call Ed the ultimate showman. 337 00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:24,978 [whistles] 338 00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:27,458 ♪ Living in America ♪ 339 00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:31,419 ♪ 340 00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:32,812 ♪ Hit me ♪ 341 00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:33,900 Black belt. 342 00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:36,641 ♪ Living in America ♪ 343 00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:38,034 ♪ Yeah ♪ 344 00:13:38,078 --> 00:13:39,296 ♪ I walk in and out ♪ 345 00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:41,733 [chuckles] Ed Dickle has acquired a tape 346 00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:44,867 of the actual abduction three years ago. 347 00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:49,045 Mr. Dickle, this is not how trials work, 348 00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:51,874 especially not here at the Chimdale County Courthouse 349 00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:54,137 presented by Carruthers Auto Mall. 350 00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:57,140 All evidence must be submitted in advance. 351 00:13:57,184 --> 00:14:00,970 I couldn't submit it in advance. I staged it last night. 352 00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:04,017 It's okay. 353 00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:05,366 There's got to be another 354 00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:07,890 ace in the hole here somewhere. 355 00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,457 Here. Don't hang up. 356 00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:11,285 I'm still on hold with the phone company. 357 00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:13,417 This is Sarah B. How may I assist you today? 358 00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:15,419 Oh, my God! Have someone else go for a minute. 359 00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:17,073 Sorry, Sarah, I'm here. 360 00:14:17,117 --> 00:14:18,790 Do you happen to have my bill in front of you? 361 00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:21,382 [dance music playing] 362 00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:25,168 ♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪ 363 00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:27,562 YOUNG MAN: Is that his mom? 364 00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:30,434 ♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪ 365 00:14:30,478 --> 00:14:33,437 ♪ Ombligo con omligo ♪ 366 00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:35,657 ♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪ 367 00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:38,442 ♪ Dale, que te sigo ♪ 368 00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:43,621 ♪ Choka, choka, cho... Pero muévete conmigo ♪ 369 00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:46,189 [panting] 370 00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,582 Sorry, everybody. 371 00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:50,802 It wasn't supposed to be that sexy. 372 00:14:50,846 --> 00:14:53,849 Steve, what you just did on the dance floor with your mom... 373 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,416 Yeah? 374 00:14:55,459 --> 00:14:57,984 ...is exactly why I want to have a son one day! 375 00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:01,335 I always knew you had talent. 376 00:15:01,378 --> 00:15:02,902 It just took a complete stranger 377 00:15:02,945 --> 00:15:06,470 making the smallest effort to unlock it. 378 00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:08,037 - Sister! - Oh, my God! 379 00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:09,778 - [splash] - What do we do? 380 00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:13,129 Listen, everything will be okay if we act fast. 381 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,480 I'm going in after her. 382 00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,961 Stan, go tell the captain to stop at once. 383 00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:21,311 Steve, offer your coat to the girl. 384 00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:23,357 The girl, accept it, and give Steve a kiss. 385 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,837 Bye-by-y-y-y-e! 386 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,323 Mwah! 387 00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:35,456 Iceberg... 388 00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:38,850 lettuce is the crunchiest lettuce! 389 00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:41,636 Gimme those binoculars. 390 00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:44,247 ♪ 391 00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:46,336 [munching] 392 00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:47,772 [door opens] 393 00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:49,774 ROGER: That was a quick deliberation. 394 00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:51,689 But cuttin' our lunch break short must mean 395 00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:53,561 they can't wait to give us the good news. 396 00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:55,128 This can't be happening. 397 00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:58,870 The jury finds Francine Smith... 398 00:15:58,914 --> 00:16:01,134 oh, thank God... guilty. 399 00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:02,483 - [gasps] - [gasps] 400 00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:05,007 Okay, let's wrap this up. 401 00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:08,010 Mr. Dickle, pick a number between one and four. 402 00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:09,838 - Four! - Perfect. 403 00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:13,755 I hereby sentence Ms. Smith to four life sentences. 404 00:16:13,798 --> 00:16:16,410 I just assumed you'd find a way out of this like you always do. 405 00:16:16,453 --> 00:16:19,891 Yeah, me too. 406 00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,197 But you didn't. 407 00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:22,633 [crying] 408 00:16:22,677 --> 00:16:25,245 Oh, my God. 409 00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:27,247 It's just hitting me what happened here. 410 00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:29,640 I really have lost my edge. 411 00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:35,646 I'm nothing but a washed-up fool now. 412 00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:37,561 Life comes at you fast. 413 00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:39,302 One minute, you're on top of the world, 414 00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:40,912 and the next you're explaining 415 00:16:40,956 --> 00:16:43,915 what just happened to nobody in the kitchen. 416 00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:47,876 Boy, I tell ya, the Internet is a wonderful place. 417 00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:50,226 Everybody is so supportive. 418 00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:52,707 Whoa, you look terrible. 419 00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:54,796 Get used to it. This is the new me. 420 00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:56,363 The washed-up me. 421 00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:58,191 The me who doesn't have his edge anymore. 422 00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,062 What happened? 423 00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:02,127 Francine went to prison for kidnapping some little girl. 424 00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:03,631 Oh, damn! 425 00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:05,154 You lost that case? 426 00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:08,201 Yep. The old me would've weaseled her out of it, 427 00:17:08,244 --> 00:17:11,987 but she's in prison now 'cause I blew it. 428 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:15,817 A tragic ending for ol' Rog. 429 00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:17,601 You guys, the cruise was awesome. 430 00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:19,429 I should've died! 431 00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:22,389 And I got robbed by a 30-year-old Romanian stowaway 432 00:17:22,432 --> 00:17:24,434 pretending to be a teenage girl. 433 00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:28,090 But guess who got a kiss first. 434 00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:29,787 You look like hell. Get cleaned up, 435 00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:30,982 and we'll drive to court together. 436 00:17:31,006 --> 00:17:32,790 Mm, we lost. 437 00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:34,009 She's in prison forever. 438 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,837 - What?! - Oh, my God! 439 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,231 Roger, I have decided to hurt you. 440 00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:40,624 You must be Uncle Roger. 441 00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:42,028 Why don't we go to the living room, 442 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,411 and I can hear your side of the story? 443 00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:47,066 Stan, listen. I have an idea. 444 00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:48,850 I got the mail every day you were gone, 445 00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:51,635 so I think I should get extra allowance this week. 446 00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:53,028 That's your idea? 447 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,683 Ple-e-e-ase! 448 00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:57,554 And now Francine's in prison, 449 00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,513 and it's all because I lost my edge. 450 00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:01,689 I'm washed up. I'm done. 451 00:18:01,732 --> 00:18:03,734 Listen to yourself. 452 00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:07,521 Your friend's locked up, and all I hear is, "I, I, I." 453 00:18:07,564 --> 00:18:10,698 Wow. You missed a ton of what I said. 454 00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:13,396 The best way to get back on track is to forget 455 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,964 about the "I's" and focus on others. 456 00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:19,141 You know, that actually makes a lot of sense. 457 00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:22,971 But where do I... sorry, where do me begin? 458 00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:26,453 Well, for starters, have you even visited Francine yet? 459 00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:27,976 No. 460 00:18:28,019 --> 00:18:29,499 We're going to visit her right now. 461 00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:31,501 - I'll gather the others. - Love it. 462 00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:33,764 Would follow you to the end of the Earth. 463 00:18:33,808 --> 00:18:36,115 One quick question... who are you? 464 00:18:38,813 --> 00:18:40,162 [buzzer] 465 00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:41,226 - Mom! - It's so good to see you. 466 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:42,295 My girl. 467 00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:43,731 [door closes] 468 00:18:43,774 --> 00:18:45,167 Who the hell is that? 469 00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:46,386 That's Isabella. 470 00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:48,344 She played you in a TV reenactment. 471 00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:49,756 And in the cruise we took without you. 472 00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:51,434 She's awesome. 473 00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:55,003 And, most importantly, she showed me how selfish I've been. 474 00:18:55,046 --> 00:18:58,485 If I wasn't so concerned about proving I still had my edge, 475 00:18:58,528 --> 00:19:00,226 there's a chance you wouldn't be in here. 476 00:19:00,269 --> 00:19:01,531 A chance?! 477 00:19:01,575 --> 00:19:03,359 A very good chance. 478 00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:06,362 Francine, Isabella taught me something special... 479 00:19:06,406 --> 00:19:08,495 how valuable helping others can be. 480 00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:10,105 So with that said... 481 00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:16,677 H-H-How did I get in this? 482 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:17,939 What's going on? 483 00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:19,680 Time's up. Come on. 484 00:19:19,723 --> 00:19:22,726 No! I didn't do anything! 485 00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:26,077 I'm not supposed to be here! 486 00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:27,949 Listen to all those "I's." 487 00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,994 Focus on how selfless it is 488 00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:32,388 to do four life sentences for someone. 489 00:19:32,432 --> 00:19:33,563 We got to get out of here. 490 00:19:33,607 --> 00:19:35,435 [buzzer] 491 00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:39,830 Did you see that? 492 00:19:39,874 --> 00:19:41,528 I just imprisoned an innocent woman 493 00:19:41,571 --> 00:19:44,008 and freed a convicted child abductor. 494 00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:45,967 How's that for edgy? 495 00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,752 Couldn't we have solved this without anybody going to prison? 496 00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:50,972 That woman saved my life. 497 00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:53,148 We could have, but then you wouldn't have gotten to go 498 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,497 on your precious cruise. 499 00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:57,413 Yes, I would... with Mom. 500 00:19:57,457 --> 00:19:58,980 But then who would've saved your life? 501 00:19:59,023 --> 00:20:01,374 Whoa. 502 00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:03,767 Roger, if I didn't have this seatbelt on, 503 00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:05,160 I'd punch you right in the face. 504 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,510 No. Thank you, Francine. 505 00:20:07,554 --> 00:20:09,947 You were right. I'd gotten complacent, 506 00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:12,602 and I needed your little push to get back on track. 507 00:20:12,646 --> 00:20:14,343 And, boy, am I back. 508 00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:16,606 You wanted interesting characters? 509 00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:20,306 Toga Gomez, NASCAR Vampire. 510 00:20:20,349 --> 00:20:25,006 Jenna Diarrhea-Evans, heiress to the diarrhea fortune. 511 00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:28,357 Gord Gullmax, Michael Jackson apologist. 512 00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:31,404 Lieutenant Wingz, enormous mosquito. 513 00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:33,406 Wow. 514 00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:35,210 I can't believe Mom almost spent the rest of her life in prison 515 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,019 because she said Roger lost his edge. 516 00:20:38,062 --> 00:20:40,543 [chuckles] Geez. Talk about overly sensitive. 517 00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:43,024 Okay, Roger! I'm sorry! 518 00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:46,201 You're not sensitive! 519 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,595 Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 520 00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:50,553 You're just telling me what I want to hear 521 00:20:50,597 --> 00:20:51,859 because you're desperate. 522 00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:53,991 No shit I'm desperate! 523 00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:56,298 - You sweared. - Aah! 524 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:57,995 Bye! Have a beautiful time!