Man, I love weekdays.
I know, right?
The weekends are all "go, go, go."
I need five full days to just chill.
Hello?
Francine, I'm having a character emergency.
There's a small, brown bag in the fridge.
I need you to bring it to 1466 Hemlock Street right now.
Ooh, Roger wants me to deliver a creepy package
to one of his characters.
I can't wait to see what he's up to.
I bet it's, like, a bunch of human anuses
he's gonna dump into the fountain at the mall.
Ooh, ya think?
I swim in that fountain sometimes.
There it is. Gimme, gimme!
Just carrots?
Unless that's something fun
like toddler fingers covered in Cheeto dust?
Yeah, right.
Naomi Carcaterra doesn't have the metabolism
the other gals in the office do.
We're doing ice-cream cake for Jill's birthday,
and I want to fill up on something healthy
so I'm not tempted.
You had me come all the way out here for this?
This is so unlike you.
This is so... boring.
Boring? No, no, no.
Naomi can curl her tongue.
Look. Doesn't it look like a taco?
I think it looks like a taco.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Good news, everybody.
The doctors figured out why you're seeing birds
when there aren't any birds around?
Better.
They mailed us the tickets for our cruise.
Hot damn. We're really doing it.
- All right! - Unh, big boat time!
It says they recently converted their infirmary
to a Teen Hang Zone.
Oh, hell yeah!
I dominate in international waters.
I got the skimpiest little teal bathing suit...
Little teal bathing suit. Yes.
How does Hayley do the high seas?
No food, no water.
Piña coladas only.
You know what I'm looking forward to?
Swimming in a pool with 30 people
who have active diarrhea.
F'ing "A," we're doing a cruise.
- Whoo! - Yeah-ha-ha!
What's for dinner? I'll just take a nibble.
Ate an entire ice-cream cake today.
Well, look who it is.
Would you believe this bum had me drive
all the way out to Chimdale Acres
just to bring carrots to some boring-ass character?
Wow, Chimdale Acres?
No one ever goes out there, unless, of course,
you're looking for the best trade-in price for your Toyota,
Nissan, or anything from the Chrysler family.
Well, sadly, I wasn't out there to get an unbeatable deal
from Carruthers Auto Mall, Steve.
Instead, I was experiencing one of Roger's lamest personas yet.
What? Naomi's great.
She's thinking about joining Costco.
Naomi?
In Costco?
I mean, come on.
What happened, Roger?
The beauty of my characters is their diversity.
They can't all be serial killers.
Your last serial-killer persona never even killed anyone.
He got sidetracked going to estate sales in the desert.
People are basically giving away turquoise out there.
Wow, Roger.
Have you lost your edge?
How dare you?
I'm the same old Roger I've always been.
I don't know.
You were just Ricky Spanish for a whole week,
and you spent the entire time on the computer,
quietly rating movies on IMDb.
You've clearly lost something.
I haven't lost anything, and I'll prove it to you.
Man, he really took the air out of this dinner.
You know what'll steer us back?
♪ Little teal ♪
♪ Bathing suit, bathing suit, bathing suit ♪
- Whoo! Oh, yeah. - Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah! I made him. - ♪ Little teal bathing suit ♪
Told ya I haven't lost it.
I just pulled off the world's greatest heist.
Behold the Mona Lisa.
What the? Dr. Slippy's Boner Grease-a?
Aah, my partner set me up!
Or, I'm not an art expert,
but is this the Mona Lisa?
Aaaah!
Roger, what is it?
Meet Winston Equity III.
I found a bunch of guys who look kind of like Vin Diesel
and set up a "Boiler Room" -style brokerage firm.
Now we're about to get rich to the tune of... wait.
IT hasn't set up our computers yet?
We haven't made or lost any money!
Aaah!
I'm Mike Microscope,
and I figured out how to clone people.
Feast your eyes.
Nice try.
I've already seen the Vin Diesels.
Damn it. Personas are hard.
Hey, whatever happened with your girlfriend from the museum?
The old lady? I still haven't broken up with her.
I know, I know.
I-I just really feel like
natural causes are gonna bail me out.
Welp, time to face the music.
My personas stink,
and I can't pull off wacky shenanigans anymore.
I really have lost my edge.
Oh, I'm sorry I was so right.
Is there anything I can do to help?
Well, I got 9,000 uninspired years before I die,
so just humor me and my dull personas.
Maybe take a little girl... whose only noteworthy quality
is her ability to chew raisins very thoroughly... to the park.
Of course.
Well, now that I'm all alone,
I can drink the grease directly out of the pepperoni cups
without a single iota of shame.
You're disgusting.
Noooooooo!
Mm, I'm really pulverizing these raisins.
It's probably nothing,
but I feel like everyone's looking at us.
You're crazy.
Oh, my God! It's little Bonnie Ramirez!
That is her, the pageant girl
who went missing three years ago.
Bonnie's alive, and that woman kidnapped her!
Yes, it is me, little Bonnie Ramirez.
Someone please free me from this monster.
Roger, what the hell is going on?
Decided to dust off an old chestnut to teach you a lesson.
You're about to be charged with child abduction.
Who's lost their edge now, you perv?
That poor, confident little girl.
Tonight on Unsolved Mysteries
The New Class, an Iowa woman is just gone,
and a little boy who can draw Manny
from Modern Family perfectly,
even though he's never heard of the show.
Could something supernatural be at play?
But first, we have an Unsolved Mysteries update.
Three years ago, child-pageant queen
Bonnie Ramirez went missing.
With no clues left behind, Bonnie was gone forever.
Until this week, when she was spotted at the park
with a woman going by Francine Smith.
Authorities believe Smith has been
holding little Bonnie captive this entire time.
Smith is now in police custody
and scheduled for trial this week.
And additionally, to the growing number of viewers
posting online that I'm the one kidnapping all these kids,
see? Not me.
Your mother's obviously gonna be fine.
This is just some silly feud between her and Roger.
But I do have one concern... the cruise.
We were supposed to go this week.
And I'd argue we still should.
A trial like this can't be easy on the family of the accused.
I think we deserve a getaway.
We'd be back before the verdict.
- I'm in. - Wonderful.
There is just one more issue.
Your mom purchased the cruise in her name,
and Party Artie's Floating Family Shitshow
won't let us onboard without her.
We just need someone who can pass for her.
She looks like Mom.
Maybe more like Mom than Mom.
In my head, when I think of your mom,
I now picture this woman.
It's settled. We're going on the cruise.
It's what Francine... and by that,
I mean this woman... would have wanted.
Your court-appointed attorney's here.
Him? Unh-unh. No way.
Sorry. No one else is willing to defend a monster like you.
Aaaah!
What the hell have you gotten me into?
I'm going on trial!
Wow, sounds like the work of someone
who hasn't lost their edge.
Jesus, Roger.
I admit it, okay?
You haven't lost your edge or you're not washed up
or whatever this is about.
Just tell everyone I didn't do it so we can end this.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're just telling me what I want to hear
because you're desperate, but I'm gonna show you
I've still got it and in undeniable fashion.
No.
I'm gonna give the performance of my life as little Bonnie,
bringing you to the brink of conviction,
only to be topped by my public-defender character...
Ed Dickle, the ultimate showman...
who's gonna rake that little girl
over the coals to get you off.
Let's get to work.
What's this?
An even smaller briefcase?
Another?
A key?
But to what?
This.
The ultimate showman!
Oh, here's my phone bill. Hang on.
I should knock this out while I'm thinking about it.
Got a charge on here I don't recognize.
Your call is important to us...
Trust me, you want this resolved
so I can give your case full focus.
Can you even pull this off,
Bonnie and the lawyer in the same room?
You forget I got super-speed, baby.
Roger!
Sorry, was trying to do something cool there,
but you get the point.
I'm over here now. I'm fast.
So you were the real Bonnie Ramirez, huh?
Yep. But got bored with the whole pageant thing,
so I just wandered off one day.
Didn't think the family was gonna make
such a big deal about it.
I mean, they only knew her for like five years.
JAG was on twice that long,
and no one's crying about that going off the air.
Oh, God, such a good show!
Thank you so much for coming with us, Isabella.
It's the least I could do.
This must be a very hard time for you.
Good thing I'm literally in Margaritaville
with all these piña coladas.
- Mmm. - Hey, Steve.
Am I gonna see your moves in the dance contest tomorrow?
Y-You... You know it.
You know that badass?
She's the only kid I couldn't bully off the foosball table.
I met her at the Teen Hang Zone,
but it's not gonna matter after tomorrow.
She's expecting me to perform in the dance contest,
and I'm terrible.
You know, Steve, I used to dance
competitively back in Johannesburg.
I could show you a few steps.
Wow, that would be amazing.
Root beer, red wine,
another piña colada for the lady,
and an Arnold Palmer for the gentleman.
Stan, what's wrong?
It's just this is an Arnold Palmer,
and I asked for a triple-vodka Coke.
It's fine. It's basically the same thing.
Stick up for yourself, Stan.
You're the only man here wearing a shirt to dinner.
You deserve to be treated right.
Hi. Excuse me. Sorry.
I hope it's not too much trouble,
but I actually ordered a triple-vodka Coke,
and, for some reason,
you chose to me in the face
with what looks like a glass of piss and shit.
Now, get me what I ordered before I shoot you to death
in front of this crowd full of drunks.
Please.
All right, Dad!
Little Bonnie,
please take a look around the room.
Is the person who imprisoned you here today?
Yes. Her.
Pink dress.
Oh, it was horrible.
She made me call her "Mama God."
She kept me in a cage and only fed me moths.
Actually developed a taste for 'em.
Mm. Did I miss anything while I was gone?
Aunt Becky from Full House up to anything?
I'm just playing.
Even I heard about that college-admissions scandal.
Yep, Mama God told me and Nancy all about it.
I'm sorry. Who?
Oh, Nancy was just one of the many,
many other children mashed into that cage with me.
You're supposed to tell me everything.
So, Mr. Dickle, it's your turn
to cross-examine little Bonnie.
Finally, our side of the story.
All good, dude.
Are you sure? I'm in pretty deep here.
Relax. I got an ace in the hole. You're golden.
Very well, Mr. Dickle.
You may now call your first witness.
Time to see why the call Ed the ultimate showman.
♪ Living in America ♪
♪ Hit me ♪
Black belt.
♪ Living in America ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I walk in and out ♪
Ed Dickle has acquired a tape
of the actual abduction three years ago.
Mr. Dickle, this is not how trials work,
especially not here at the Chimdale County Courthouse
presented by Carruthers Auto Mall.
All evidence must be submitted in advance.
I couldn't submit it in advance. I staged it last night.
It's okay.
There's got to be another
ace in the hole here somewhere.
Here. Don't hang up.
I'm still on hold with the phone company.
This is Sarah B. How may I assist you today?
Oh, my God! Have someone else go for a minute.
Sorry, Sarah, I'm here.
Do you happen to have my bill in front of you?
♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪
Is that his mom?
♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪
♪ Ombligo con omligo ♪
♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪
♪ Dale, que te sigo ♪
♪ Choka, choka, cho... Pero muévete conmigo ♪
Sorry, everybody.
It wasn't supposed to be that sexy.
Steve, what you just did on the dance floor with your mom...
Yeah?
...is exactly why I want to have a son one day!
I always knew you had talent.
It just took a complete stranger
making the smallest effort to unlock it.
- Sister! - Oh, my God!
What do we do?
Listen, everything will be okay if we act fast.
I'm going in after her.
Stan, go tell the captain to stop at once.
Steve, offer your coat to the girl.
The girl, accept it, and give Steve a kiss.
Bye-by-y-y-y-e!
Mwah!
Iceberg...
lettuce is the crunchiest lettuce!
Gimme those binoculars.
That was a quick deliberation.
But cuttin' our lunch break short must mean
they can't wait to give us the good news.
This can't be happening.
The jury finds Francine Smith...
oh, thank God... guilty.
Okay, let's wrap this up.
Mr. Dickle, pick a number between one and four.
- Four! - Perfect.
I hereby sentence Ms. Smith to four life sentences.
I just assumed you'd find a way out of this like you always do.
Yeah, me too.
But you didn't.
Oh, my God.
It's just hitting me what happened here.
I really have lost my edge.
I'm nothing but a washed-up fool now.
Life comes at you fast.
One minute, you're on top of the world,
and the next you're explaining
what just happened to nobody in the kitchen.
Boy, I tell ya, the Internet is a wonderful place.
Everybody is so supportive.
Whoa, you look terrible.
Get used to it. This is the new me.
The washed-up me.
The me who doesn't have his edge anymore.
What happened?
Francine went to prison for kidnapping some little girl.
Oh, damn!
You lost that case?
Yep. The old me would've weaseled her out of it,
but she's in prison now 'cause I blew it.
A tragic ending for ol' Rog.
You guys, the cruise was awesome.
I should've died!
And I got robbed by a 30-year-old Romanian stowaway
pretending to be a teenage girl.
But guess who got a kiss first.
You look like hell. Get cleaned up,
and we'll drive to court together.
Mm, we lost.
She's in prison forever.
- What?! - Oh, my God!
Roger, I have decided to hurt you.
You must be Uncle Roger.
Why don't we go to the living room,
and I can hear your side of the story?
Stan, listen. I have an idea.
I got the mail every day you were gone,
so I think I should get extra allowance this week.
That's your idea?
Ple-e-e-ase!
And now Francine's in prison,
and it's all because I lost my edge.
I'm washed up. I'm done.
Listen to yourself.
Your friend's locked up, and all I hear is, "I, I, I."
Wow. You missed a ton of what I said.
The best way to get back on track is to forget
about the "I's" and focus on others.
You know, that actually makes a lot of sense.
But where do I... sorry, where do me begin?
Well, for starters, have you even visited Francine yet?
No.
We're going to visit her right now.
- I'll gather the others. - Love it.
Would follow you to the end of the Earth.
One quick question... who are you?
- Mom! - It's so good to see you.
My girl.
Who the hell is that?
That's Isabella.
She played you in a TV reenactment.
And in the cruise we took without you.
She's awesome.
And, most importantly, she showed me how selfish I've been.
If I wasn't so concerned about proving I still had my edge,
there's a chance you wouldn't be in here.
A chance?!
A very good chance.
Francine, Isabella taught me something special...
how valuable helping others can be.
So with that said...
H-H-How did I get in this?
What's going on?
Time's up. Come on.
No! I didn't do anything!
I'm not supposed to be here!
Listen to all those "I's."
Focus on how selfless it is
to do four life sentences for someone.
We got to get out of here.
Did you see that?
I just imprisoned an innocent woman
and freed a convicted child abductor.
How's that for edgy?
Couldn't we have solved this without anybody going to prison?
That woman saved my life.
We could have, but then you wouldn't have gotten to go
on your precious cruise.
Yes, I would... with Mom.
But then who would've saved your life?
Whoa.
Roger, if I didn't have this seatbelt on,
I'd punch you right in the face.
No. Thank you, Francine.
You were right. I'd gotten complacent,
and I needed your little push to get back on track.
And, boy, am I back.
You wanted interesting characters?
Toga Gomez, NASCAR Vampire.
Jenna Diarrhea-Evans, heiress to the diarrhea fortune.
Gord Gullmax, Michael Jackson apologist.
Lieutenant Wingz, enormous mosquito.
Wow.
I can't believe Mom almost spent the rest of her life in prison
because she said Roger lost his edge.
Geez. Talk about overly sensitive.
Okay, Roger! I'm sorry!
You're not sensitive!
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're just telling me what I want to hear
because you're desperate.
No shit I'm desperate!
- You sweared. - Aah!
Bye! Have a beautiful time!