1 00:00:01,436 --> 00:00:03,525 ♪♪ 2 00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:05,048 Remind me if I ever get married again 3 00:00:05,179 --> 00:00:06,876 to actually buy the photos 4 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,791 instead of just keeping the photographer's samples. 5 00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:12,012 [thudding, shattering] 6 00:00:12,142 --> 00:00:13,317 God. What are they up to now? 7 00:00:13,448 --> 00:00:14,492 Stan and Jeff? 8 00:00:14,623 --> 00:00:15,928 Not 100% sure, 9 00:00:16,059 --> 00:00:19,193 but I think they're planning a surprise for me. 10 00:00:19,323 --> 00:00:20,281 Because whenever I come around, 11 00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:22,109 they stop talking and leave the room. 12 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:24,111 Babe! We're going on a bear hunt! 13 00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:25,242 Oh, God. 14 00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:27,201 It's one of the ones where they're friends. 15 00:00:27,331 --> 00:00:28,898 Jeff and I are playing Davy Crockett, 16 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,379 and murdering bears is a central part of that. 17 00:00:31,509 --> 00:00:33,207 That and the fashion, obviously. 18 00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,165 I'm Davy, he's Crockett. 19 00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:38,125 How 'bout that, Hayley? 20 00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:42,129 Two city gals like us, married to real frontiersmen. 21 00:00:42,259 --> 00:00:43,478 What are you talking about? 22 00:00:43,608 --> 00:00:45,262 Those two have been insufferable 23 00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,134 ever since they watched that Mr. Rogersepisode 24 00:00:47,264 --> 00:00:48,526 about "imagination." 25 00:00:48,657 --> 00:00:50,137 Mm-mm. 26 00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:53,792 You know that Fred Rogers can get down. 27 00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:57,144 He could take his shoes off and keep going. 28 00:00:57,274 --> 00:00:58,667 Geez, Mom. 29 00:00:58,797 --> 00:01:02,236 Fine! Who's at the top of yourPBS bang list? 30 00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:04,281 I bet you're a Sesame Streetgirl. 31 00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:07,371 Cookie Monster -- so obvious. 32 00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:10,505 That guy in the trash can -- he's pretty hot. 33 00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:12,072 Oh, I know. 34 00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:15,205 You want Bert and Ernie -- two for one. 35 00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:17,338 That's good value, Hayley. 36 00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:18,774 Geez, Mom. 37 00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:20,297 Relax. 38 00:01:20,428 --> 00:01:22,169 Someday, you'll be having the same conversation 39 00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:23,605 with yourdaughter. 40 00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,434 [patriotic music plays] 41 00:01:26,564 --> 00:01:28,827 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪ 42 00:01:28,958 --> 00:01:32,570 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 43 00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:35,834 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face♪ 44 00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:40,230 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race♪ 45 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:45,148 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say♪ 46 00:01:45,279 --> 00:01:47,846 -♪ Good --♪ -♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪ 47 00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:48,978 Aah! 48 00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:53,591 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪ 49 00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:56,246 ♪♪ 50 00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:58,596 You'd probably want to get with The Count. 51 00:01:58,727 --> 00:02:00,555 You love guys with accents. 52 00:02:00,685 --> 00:02:04,036 You get all shy whenever we go into that cellphone store. 53 00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:06,126 -[door opens] -[coughs] 54 00:02:06,256 --> 00:02:08,258 Did you get sprayed by a skunk? 55 00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:09,868 [laughing] Yeah, but I got to tickle it 56 00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:12,262 for five whole seconds first. 57 00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,221 Well, at least you told the truth. 58 00:02:14,351 --> 00:02:15,265 Which means... 59 00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:16,136 [sighs] 60 00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:17,572 I owe you a Matchbox car. 61 00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:19,051 I like Hot Wheels! 62 00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:20,923 How many times do I have to tell you?! 63 00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:23,621 -[door slams] -I'm losing my mind. 64 00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,145 Well, husbands are a lot of work. 65 00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:26,885 It doesn't seem to affect you. 66 00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:28,800 I mean, Dad is running around 67 00:02:28,931 --> 00:02:31,499 in a hat he madefrom Steve's Rocket Raccoon toy. 68 00:02:31,629 --> 00:02:33,327 STEVE: He did what?! 69 00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:35,720 You're right, Hayley. I don'tlet it get to me. 70 00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:37,635 And if you want, I can let you in 71 00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:39,811 on a little secret that's helped me. 72 00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:41,204 Please do. 73 00:02:41,335 --> 00:02:43,728 I'm better at being married than you are. 74 00:02:43,859 --> 00:02:45,034 What?! 75 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,514 I have lots of little secrets. 76 00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:49,256 Like this bullfrog I keep in my hair. 77 00:02:49,386 --> 00:02:51,649 His name is Clarke Michael Duncan. 78 00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:55,697 Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold! 79 00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:57,873 -[click, whirring] -Ooh, is someone bathing -- 80 00:02:58,003 --> 00:02:59,918 Oh, it's Jeff. Gross. 81 00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:02,399 [sighs] Welp, back to standing silently 82 00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:03,835 in the dark garage. 83 00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:07,056 [click, whirring] 84 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,623 [door opens, closes] 85 00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:11,191 [sighs] Mom, can you help me wash the skunk off Jeff? 86 00:03:11,321 --> 00:03:12,496 He's being really squirmy. 87 00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:14,324 Sorry, Hayley. I'm headed to Costco. 88 00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:16,065 Oh, great. 89 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,675 Can you pick up those big cans of tomato juice 90 00:03:17,806 --> 00:03:18,850 to get the skunk out? 91 00:03:18,981 --> 00:03:19,982 Ooh, sorry. 92 00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:21,462 This trip is just to pick up 93 00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:23,986 two flats of Dan Brown hardbacks. 94 00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,075 They burn so much cleaner than firewood. 95 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,207 But could you still -- 96 00:03:27,337 --> 00:03:29,383 Uh... Eep, eep, eep! 97 00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:32,386 [vehicle approaches, horn honks] 98 00:03:32,516 --> 00:03:34,301 [vehicle door opens] 99 00:03:34,431 --> 00:03:37,217 -Another clean getaway! -[vehicle door closes] 100 00:03:37,347 --> 00:03:40,220 [sighs] What would I do without my eeps? 101 00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:42,265 [engine revs] 102 00:03:42,396 --> 00:03:44,702 Why did she get on an airport shuttle? 103 00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:48,880 Jeff, you're in charge of cleaning your own privates. 104 00:03:49,011 --> 00:03:51,535 -[engine starts, tires squeal]-That's too much responsibility! 105 00:03:51,666 --> 00:03:53,363 [click, whirring] 106 00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:57,237 I'ma responsible guy. 107 00:03:59,935 --> 00:04:02,111 ♪♪ 108 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,982 [tires screech] 109 00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:10,989 ♪♪ 110 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:12,121 [keys jangling] 111 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,035 Park it! 112 00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:14,123 You got it! 113 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,343 That's how airports work! 114 00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:21,348 How did that woman go through without a ticket? 115 00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:23,219 She's part of our Airport Angels program. 116 00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,482 They assist people to their gatewho want help. 117 00:04:25,613 --> 00:04:27,005 And they do it all for nothing, 118 00:04:27,136 --> 00:04:29,312 except for the complimentary Toblerone from Duty Free. 119 00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:31,053 They say shape doesn't make a difference, 120 00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:32,620 but I think triangles taste better. 121 00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,536 Great, great. Where do I sign upfor this Airport Angel B.S.? 122 00:04:39,627 --> 00:04:41,063 Where did Mom go? 123 00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:42,760 How the [bleep] would I know? 124 00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,980 I'm just a sweet old lady. 125 00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:48,984 Ooh, there she is! 126 00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:50,377 Hey, you idiot! 127 00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:53,771 I'm supposed to be going to China, not Albuquerque! 128 00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:55,817 Oh! 129 00:04:57,427 --> 00:04:59,603 Oh, it all worked out! 130 00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:01,388 I get to ride with my bags 131 00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:05,043 and have access to all my hair gels and salsas! 132 00:05:05,174 --> 00:05:07,437 Thank you, Airport Angel! 133 00:05:07,568 --> 00:05:08,960 [gulping] 134 00:05:09,091 --> 00:05:09,961 Mom? 135 00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:10,962 Eep, eep, eep -- 136 00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:12,399 [muffled] Eep, eep, eep! 137 00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,401 You're not gonna eep your way out of this one. 138 00:05:14,531 --> 00:05:16,316 What the hell is going on? 139 00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:18,535 Look, I never thought I'd be caught here, 140 00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:21,364 but in case I was, I worked up a little song. 141 00:05:21,495 --> 00:05:22,452 Hit it, Larry. 142 00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:25,455 [upbeat music plays] 143 00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,849 ♪ Being a wife in the world today♪ 144 00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:30,286 ♪ Sure can drain your soul♪ 145 00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:32,680 ♪ Your husband and your children suck♪ 146 00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:35,900 ♪ And your alien's an asshole♪ 147 00:05:36,031 --> 00:05:37,815 Alien? You have an alien? 148 00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:40,122 ♪ Sometimes you should escape♪ 149 00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:44,300 ♪ To a crappy airport bar♪ 150 00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:49,871 ♪ Where husbands don't know where you are♪ 151 00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:54,354 ♪ Eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep♪ 152 00:05:54,484 --> 00:05:57,008 Did you know these napkins are exact replicas 153 00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:58,227 of the ones they use 154 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,534 in the original O'Rrivals in Ireland? 155 00:06:00,664 --> 00:06:01,448 Why would I know that? 156 00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:03,275 Wait. O'Rrivals is a chain? 157 00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:04,712 I thought it was just a bad pun. 158 00:06:04,842 --> 00:06:05,930 Oh, no. 159 00:06:06,061 --> 00:06:07,802 The flagship is in Dublin. 160 00:06:07,932 --> 00:06:09,543 And it's a goodpun. 161 00:06:09,673 --> 00:06:11,371 Look, my photo's on the wall. 162 00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:16,114 I got it from completing the "Drinks of Dublin Tour." 163 00:06:16,245 --> 00:06:18,682 ♪ Sometimes you should escape♪ 164 00:06:18,813 --> 00:06:23,034 ♪ Where all the taps lead to Bud Lite♪ 165 00:06:23,165 --> 00:06:28,083 ♪ And the pilots get drunk pre-flight♪ 166 00:06:28,213 --> 00:06:30,390 ♪ Plastic forks and metal spoons♪ 167 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,957 ♪ No one's quite sure why♪ 168 00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:35,482 ♪ But things are so much simpler here♪ 169 00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:38,310 ♪ In Terminal Five♪ 170 00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:40,835 -[song ends] -Thisis your secret to being a patient wife? 171 00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:42,445 Yes! It's so easy! 172 00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:44,491 [scoffs] I can't believe you said 173 00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:46,536 you were better at being married than me. 174 00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,973 Come on, Hayley. Give me this one thing. 175 00:06:49,104 --> 00:06:51,149 You're so much better at everything else. 176 00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:52,281 Like what?! 177 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,326 Like the stuff that matters. 178 00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:57,112 You have the Galagahigh score at the deli. 179 00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:59,506 Don't you think that burns me up at night?! 180 00:06:59,636 --> 00:07:01,508 That's Hayley Schmitterhaus! 181 00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:04,206 She was abducted eight years agoselling Girl Scout cookies. 182 00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:07,078 Oh. Well, that makes me feel a little better. 183 00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,340 Wait. 184 00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:09,429 Are you the Hayley 185 00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,300 on the Frogger at the laundromat? 186 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,519 Yeah, that one's me. 187 00:07:12,649 --> 00:07:14,434 10th place. Terrible score! 188 00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:16,566 Let me give you some advice. 189 00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:19,787 In Frogger,some of those logs are alligators. 190 00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:20,788 Chomp, chomp. 191 00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:22,006 [cellphone chimes] 192 00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:24,748 Oh. Jeff sat on his balls. 193 00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:27,098 And he doesn't know what to do. 194 00:07:27,229 --> 00:07:28,665 "Stand...up." 195 00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:29,666 [cellphone bloops] 196 00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,494 Pull up a stool, girl. 197 00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,931 Jeff's floppy balls will be there when you get home. 198 00:07:34,062 --> 00:07:35,933 How do youknow Jeff's balls are floppy? 199 00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:37,457 I can hear 'em. 200 00:07:40,677 --> 00:07:42,549 ♪♪ 201 00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:44,202 We probably don't need to bring 202 00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:46,466 three different flavors of Triscuits, do we? 203 00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:49,033 You never know which flavor's gonna give you the edge 204 00:07:49,164 --> 00:07:52,036 when you tango with the big brown man. 205 00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,430 -Is that what you call bears? -Correct. 206 00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:56,432 Jeff, where did all my underwear go? 207 00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:57,738 Jeff, I'll get more supplies 208 00:07:57,868 --> 00:07:59,957 while you negotiate with this fur trapper. 209 00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:03,004 [whispering] I'm pretending Hayley's a French-Canadian fur trapper. 210 00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:05,006 Time to negotiate. 211 00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:08,183 I'll give you $50. 212 00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:09,750 God, I hate this. 213 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:10,838 Come on! 214 00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,361 I dressed Steve up as a bear 215 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,929 and told him we were playing hide-and-seek. 216 00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:16,496 That looked like a real arrow. 217 00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:18,236 A-Are they gonna hunt Steve? 218 00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:22,023 Yes. And you know Steve's just loving all the attention. 219 00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:23,938 Shuttle's here! 220 00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:26,984 [sighs] 221 00:08:27,115 --> 00:08:28,420 What is it, hon? 222 00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:30,510 Don't get me wrong. I-I love booze. 223 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,163 But all I can think about 224 00:08:32,294 --> 00:08:34,383 is how Jeff stretched out all my underwear, 225 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:35,993 making them into slingshots. 226 00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:37,647 I think it was your ass that did that. 227 00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,823 -Mom! -Lighten up, fat-ass! 228 00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,043 That's how we razz at O'Rrivals! 229 00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:44,219 Is there a place I can plug in my laptop? 230 00:08:44,349 --> 00:08:46,743 See? Hegets it. 231 00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:48,702 Hayley, this is our escape. 232 00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,051 You need to unwind! 233 00:08:50,181 --> 00:08:51,618 That's what I'm trying to do! 234 00:08:51,748 --> 00:08:54,316 Well, I guess we need to step it up. 235 00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,666 Ow! Why would you do that?! 236 00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:58,494 Because when drinking doesn't work, 237 00:08:58,625 --> 00:08:59,843 there's nothing like a bar fight 238 00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:02,237 to make the rest of the world fade away. 239 00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:03,760 Oh, okay. Let's rumble. 240 00:09:04,413 --> 00:09:05,545 [grunts] 241 00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:07,416 Let the bitch out of the box, Hayles! 242 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,418 I don't see how this is gonna help. 243 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,115 Do it. You'll feel better. 244 00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:12,639 -[grunts] -Nice one! 245 00:09:12,769 --> 00:09:13,727 [thud] 246 00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:15,555 That feels amazing! Who's next? 247 00:09:15,685 --> 00:09:18,079 I-I'm just trying to get to Wisconsin 248 00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:19,341 to bury my mother! 249 00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:20,908 Not on mywatch. 250 00:09:21,038 --> 00:09:23,127 [Irish folk music plays] 251 00:09:23,258 --> 00:09:24,912 This is great, Mom! 252 00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:26,783 Hey, we're gonna need two more beers. 253 00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:29,133 You got it, but happy hour's over. 254 00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:30,570 -[music stops] -Happy hour's over. 255 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:31,658 That's our cue to go. 256 00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:32,876 What? Why? 257 00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:34,704 I-I was just starting to unwind. 258 00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:36,663 Yeah, and that's all you need. 259 00:09:36,793 --> 00:09:38,708 I mean, don't you feel you could go home 260 00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:40,710 and deal with Jeff now? 261 00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:42,538 You know what? I do. 262 00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,801 He accidentally saw Tuttle's penis the other day, 263 00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:46,281 and I feel like I'm finally ready 264 00:09:46,411 --> 00:09:48,065 to have a frank talk with him about it. 265 00:09:48,196 --> 00:09:49,676 It's really -- 266 00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:52,113 I-I can see he's thinking about it a lot. 267 00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:53,680 Attagirl! 268 00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,899 And don't worry. We'll be back here tomorrow. 269 00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:57,684 Okay. 270 00:09:57,814 --> 00:09:59,686 What airline you flying, chump? 271 00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:01,035 [groaning] Frontier. 272 00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:02,079 Good. 273 00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:03,646 They'll finish the job. 274 00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:12,568 ♪♪ 275 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:16,528 JEFF: Hey, babe, I owe you one tube of toothpaste. 276 00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,530 Needed it to seal our canoe. 277 00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:19,749 Damn it, Jeff. 278 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,185 Well, joke's on him. 279 00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:23,187 I don't use toothpaste. 280 00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:27,757 JEFF: Oh, hey, babe. I owe you one toothbrush. 281 00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:30,412 Needed it for brushing my teeth in the canoe. 282 00:10:30,542 --> 00:10:33,328 Ugh! This canoe is hounding me! 283 00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:35,809 But at least I still have my trusty tampons. 284 00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:37,811 I'll just brush my teeth with one of those. 285 00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:39,726 Little trick I read in Vogue. 286 00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:40,640 Right, ladies? 287 00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:42,511 [ding!] 288 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,731 JEFF: Me again, babe. 289 00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:46,907 I owe you a hundred tampoons. 290 00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:49,126 I used a bottle of nail polish to paint them red 291 00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:50,737 'cause I needed dynamite... 292 00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:53,565 ...to blow up my canoe. 293 00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:54,741 -Daaahh! -Whoa, whoa, whoa! 294 00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:56,960 You're not gonna destroy that box, are you? 295 00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:58,440 Relax. I could sit on that 296 00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,137 while I'm waiting for something to happen. 297 00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:01,573 [sniffing] 298 00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:03,575 Damn! Your breath is kickin', girl. 299 00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:05,186 Ever heard of tampons? 300 00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:08,580 [insects chirping] 301 00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,539 ROGU: Water. 302 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:11,627 [gulping] 303 00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:13,716 Look! Rogu found water! 304 00:11:14,935 --> 00:11:16,110 [rustling] 305 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:17,241 On your toes, men. 306 00:11:17,372 --> 00:11:18,895 We're deep in bear country. 307 00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:20,375 [growling] 308 00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:21,768 -That sounds like a real bear! -Run! 309 00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:24,901 [rustling, growling continue] 310 00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:25,902 [belches] 311 00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:27,904 Just crushed 38 O'Doul's. 312 00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:29,776 That's equal to two Coors Lights. 313 00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,603 That's like one Corona. 314 00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,170 I'm feelin' it! 315 00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:35,695 Aww. Is that a little coonskin cap? 316 00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,784 Rat skin. 317 00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:40,177 You're sending my ovaries into hyperdrive. 318 00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:41,701 How'd you like a little sister? 319 00:11:41,831 --> 00:11:44,442 Rogu eat sister. 320 00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:47,141 [laughing] O-Only you, Rogu. 321 00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:49,796 Francine! There's a bear outside! 322 00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:52,146 It sounded big and mean and wanted to eat us! 323 00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:53,930 Ooh, sounds scary! 324 00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:55,062 Wanna hide under the covers? 325 00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:57,281 Uh-huh. 326 00:11:57,412 --> 00:11:58,892 Can you put up the force field? 327 00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,371 Force field up. 328 00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:01,677 Make the sound. 329 00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:03,766 Zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh- Zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh. 330 00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,159 [sighs] 331 00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:06,595 [snoring] 332 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,162 What about me, Mrs. S? 333 00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:09,946 Go to yourroom and have Hayley 334 00:12:10,077 --> 00:12:11,469 put up a force field for you. 335 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,907 She's not here. She went to Costco. 336 00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,299 Eep. 337 00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:17,693 Now, open up that force field, 338 00:12:17,824 --> 00:12:19,869 or we're all gonna get blown to bits! 339 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,741 [groans] 340 00:12:24,961 --> 00:12:28,269 Guys! I made a big dent inmy paperwork and earned a break! 341 00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:29,966 Can I play Davy Crockett with you? 342 00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:32,273 Klaus loser. 343 00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:33,709 [laughs] 344 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,755 Rogu's in there with you guys?! 345 00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,844 Everything sucks since he got here! 346 00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,455 He's supposed to be helping with Roger's personas! 347 00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:41,804 Roger! 348 00:12:41,935 --> 00:12:44,938 Rogu isn't doing his job! 349 00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:46,853 [gulping] 350 00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:50,944 [slurring] I did it. 351 00:12:51,074 --> 00:12:53,903 I finished the "Drinks of Dublin Tour." 352 00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:56,210 Now take my picture and put it on the wall! 353 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,431 Wait, wait, wait. Which is better? 354 00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:01,911 Like this... 355 00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:02,825 or like this? 356 00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:04,435 [belches] 357 00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:06,568 -[vomits] -[camera shutter clicks] 358 00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,311 Just lovely. 359 00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:11,486 Hayley. 360 00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:13,314 I know this is a nice escape, 361 00:13:13,444 --> 00:13:15,359 but you can't spend all your time 362 00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:18,101 with a bunch of losers at a fake Irish bar. 363 00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:19,450 No offense, Jason. 364 00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:20,451 None taken. 365 00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:21,801 This is just part-time 366 00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:23,759 while I plan my terrorist stuff. 367 00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:26,240 I told you, being here for happy hour 368 00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,503 is all the escape a wife should need. 369 00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:31,680 I get it, Mom! You're the perfect wife! 370 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,856 You know exactly how many hours a day 371 00:13:33,987 --> 00:13:36,511 to avoid your husband at the airport bar. 372 00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:38,339 You're June [bleep] Cleaver! 373 00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:40,776 Oh! References, huh? 374 00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:42,778 All right, Pauly Shore, 375 00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:45,912 let's get you back to Shutter Island. 376 00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:47,043 Boo! 377 00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:48,566 Pbbbbbbht! 378 00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:50,481 That's your best comeback? 379 00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:51,700 Millennials! 380 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,006 Right, Jason? 381 00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:55,530 Right! Blow 'em sky high, I say! 382 00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:56,531 What? 383 00:13:56,661 --> 00:13:57,706 Good night! 384 00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:00,883 ♪♪ 385 00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:02,276 [pills rattle] 386 00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:04,017 Wake up, sleepyhead. 387 00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:05,932 I'm sure you're feeling a little ragged, 388 00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:08,064 but it's almost noon. 389 00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:09,065 [gasps] 390 00:14:09,196 --> 00:14:10,893 You got Rogu'd. 391 00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:12,416 Every damn time! 392 00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,331 What is this? 393 00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,333 Real life. 394 00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:19,510 HAYLEY: Dear Mom, I thought about what you said. 395 00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:22,818 You're right. Happy hour should be enough for a wife. 396 00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:25,038 Oh, wow. I got through to her. 397 00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:27,083 Keep reading. 398 00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:29,651 HAYLEY: But it'snot enough for me. 399 00:14:29,781 --> 00:14:31,871 Youare better at being married than I am. 400 00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:34,003 I shouldn't evenbe married. 401 00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:36,092 So, I'm escaping to where no one can find me. 402 00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:39,791 The original O'Rrivals in Ireland, Europe. 403 00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:41,576 -Ohh! -HAYLEY: P.S. 404 00:14:41,706 --> 00:14:44,753 Rogu is allowed to eat as much raw pasta as he wants. 405 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,364 Rogu, I know you wrote that last part. 406 00:14:47,495 --> 00:14:48,888 Bwaaah-ha! 407 00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:51,891 HAYLEY: Flying to Ireland. 408 00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:53,893 That's what I should've done! 409 00:14:54,023 --> 00:14:56,373 I was in an airport all week. 410 00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:58,680 I, too, should be flying to Ireland. 411 00:14:58,810 --> 00:14:59,768 I'm a pilot. 412 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,770 I like handles, not wheels. 413 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,815 I like radar, not sonar. 414 00:15:03,946 --> 00:15:06,993 I wanna be up with the stars, not down with the starfish! 415 00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:08,777 I should be sailing! 416 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:12,389 I like fishing nets, not Gogo Inflight Internet! 417 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,652 BOTH: But we both like galleys. 418 00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:20,223 [ship horn blows] 419 00:15:20,354 --> 00:15:23,226 Wow. My adventure begins. 420 00:15:23,357 --> 00:15:24,924 None of my troubles can find me here. 421 00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:26,621 Not Jeff, not Mom, 422 00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:30,146 not even that infernal Rogu, the King of Pranks. 423 00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:32,583 Oh, I can't waitto get to the original O'Rrivals 424 00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:34,716 and party my tits off! 425 00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:37,588 -[coughing] -'Sup, party people?! 426 00:15:37,719 --> 00:15:39,242 My lucky charms! 427 00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:40,852 Freckle freaks! 428 00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:42,811 My Irish ragers! 429 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,161 I hope it's happy hour! 430 00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:46,467 What? 431 00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:48,121 You know -- happy hour. 432 00:15:48,251 --> 00:15:49,949 Where the drinks are cheap and the apps are half off. 433 00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:51,298 Ah. 434 00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:54,127 Around here, we call it "sad hour." 435 00:15:54,257 --> 00:15:57,086 'Cause that's when we take a two-hour break to be sad 436 00:15:57,217 --> 00:15:59,480 instead of bone-crushingly depressed. 437 00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:00,960 Kewl-kewl! 438 00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:02,744 Beer and a slippery nip, please. 439 00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:04,267 I'm gonna get the lay of the land 440 00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:06,487 from the local folks. 441 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,620 Why the frown, James Brown? 442 00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:12,188 The bank took my family farm. 443 00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:15,191 I hear ya. My husband's been wearing a stupid hat. 444 00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:16,497 -[glasses clink] -To us! 445 00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:18,281 Why so sad, Sinbad? 446 00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:19,456 Me wife left me. 447 00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:21,110 That's nothing. 448 00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:23,417 My husband's obsessed with his canoe. 449 00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:24,853 [glasses clink] 450 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,334 Why the sorrow, Benicio del Toro? 451 00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,031 Cat got your tongue, Connie Chung? 452 00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:30,641 Cancertook her tongue. 453 00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,339 I wanted a slippery nipple. 454 00:16:32,469 --> 00:16:35,646 And Iwanted a face shape that's good for sunglasses, 455 00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:37,735 but life is cruel. 456 00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:38,910 Jukebox! 457 00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:40,260 Let's kick this up a notch. 458 00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:42,088 It only plays this song. 459 00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:44,133 That and Ireland's national anthem -- 460 00:16:44,264 --> 00:16:45,439 "Steal My Sunshine." 461 00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:46,918 O...kay. 462 00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:48,311 You guys are bummers! 463 00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:50,096 [gasps] I know what you need. 464 00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:52,533 A little secret my mom taught me. 465 00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:53,708 Lady shove! 466 00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:55,231 ♪ I was lying on the grass♪ 467 00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:58,756 ♪ Of Sunday morning of last week♪ 468 00:16:58,887 --> 00:16:59,757 We're doing it! 469 00:16:59,888 --> 00:17:01,890 ♪ ...in my self-defeat♪ 470 00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:07,113 Hey, Mrs. S, 471 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:09,506 I know you said Hayley went out to get me a toy, 472 00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:10,986 but I'm getting worried. 473 00:17:11,117 --> 00:17:12,466 It's been seven mailmans. 474 00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:15,164 Jeff, have a snack and stop worrying. 475 00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:18,124 Mmm. 476 00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:19,342 Thanks, Mrs. S. 477 00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:21,040 This is waybetter than worrying. 478 00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:22,302 Wait a second. 479 00:17:22,432 --> 00:17:24,608 Did you... actually stop worrying? 480 00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:26,219 Yeah. You told me to. 481 00:17:26,349 --> 00:17:27,133 Huh. 482 00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:29,135 Jeff, sit down. 483 00:17:29,265 --> 00:17:30,962 Stand up. 484 00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:32,399 -Be happy. -[chuckles] 485 00:17:32,529 --> 00:17:34,009 -Be sad. -[whimpers] 486 00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,271 Be Larry King. 487 00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:36,794 [deep voice] Boston, you're on the air. 488 00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:38,231 Stan! Come here! 489 00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:39,406 STAN: You can't tell me what to do! 490 00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:42,496 Exactly. He neverdoes what I say. 491 00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,237 But youdo! 492 00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:46,282 Pack your bags. We're going to get Hayley. 493 00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:47,762 [normal voice] Gotcha, Mrs. S! 494 00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:49,720 Wait. Pack mybags, too. 495 00:17:49,851 --> 00:17:52,158 Will do. How many staplers do you want to bring? 496 00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:55,161 Never mind. I'll pack for both of us. 497 00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:57,163 Like with all my Barry Manilow albums, 498 00:17:57,293 --> 00:17:59,208 there's really gonna be room for staplers. 499 00:18:01,993 --> 00:18:03,299 More deserters. 500 00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:05,171 We're the last two men at the Alamo. 501 00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:07,651 Rogu love dessert. 502 00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:10,567 Remember the a la mode. 503 00:18:10,698 --> 00:18:12,569 Rogu, everything's a joke to you, 504 00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,136 and I don't mind that. 505 00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,791 ♪♪ 506 00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:20,186 Why so weepy, Meryl Streepy? 507 00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,318 Well, the fight was fun, and it was cool 508 00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,407 when that nun started swinging that chain around, 509 00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:26,192 but now I just feel empty. 510 00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:29,804 I miss Jeff, even if he canbe a pain in the ass. 511 00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:31,240 I'm going home. 512 00:18:31,371 --> 00:18:32,981 You're not going anywhere. 513 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,374 You broke my jukebox. 514 00:18:34,504 --> 00:18:36,245 You have to work off what you owe me -- 515 00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:39,118 4,500 Irish Money Units. 516 00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:41,163 Well, that's a bummer... 517 00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:42,556 ...Christopher Plummer. 518 00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:43,774 JEFF: Babe! 519 00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,080 Jeff! 520 00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:46,429 What are you guys doing here? 521 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,257 I came to say I'm sorry. 522 00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:49,432 For what? 523 00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:51,130 For giving you bad advice. 524 00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:54,350 I told you the only way to be happy in your marriage 525 00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,135 was to have an escape. 526 00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:57,614 But that's mymarriage. 527 00:18:57,745 --> 00:19:01,009 When your dad annoys me, I can't stop him. 528 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,619 That's why I have to get away. 529 00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:05,361 But Jeff -- if hestarts to annoy you, 530 00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:06,667 just tell him what you want. 531 00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:08,190 It's not that simple, Mrs. S. 532 00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:09,191 Corner. 533 00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:10,932 Love to be where those two walls meet! 534 00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:13,587 See? You're gonna be happy when you come home 535 00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:15,719 if you just tell Jeff what to do. 536 00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:17,068 Now let's go. 537 00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:18,374 BARTENDER: She can't go anywhere. 538 00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:21,638 Not until I get my 4,500 McBucks. 539 00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,640 This dude's hella dead. 540 00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:25,251 Hold my Fitbit. 541 00:19:25,381 --> 00:19:28,167 Actually, no. I want credit for this ass-kicking. 542 00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:30,299 JEFF [chuckling]:Are you guys seeing this corner? 543 00:19:30,430 --> 00:19:31,170 Wait a second, Mom. 544 00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,084 Maybe there's another way. 545 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,870 Hi. I'm Jeff. I work here because my wife asked me to. 546 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,393 I'm not allowed to bring up leprechauns. 547 00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:39,308 Can I take your order? 548 00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:41,397 That was good, but you still mentioned the leprechauns. 549 00:19:41,528 --> 00:19:43,747 I saw one in the urinal! It bit me! 550 00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:45,184 I think you're right. 551 00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:47,316 Jeff will do fine working off your debt. 552 00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:49,231 And all you had to do was tell him to. 553 00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:51,190 Thanks for taking my place. 554 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,496 I love you. Remember that. 555 00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:55,194 And that's a Goddamn order. 556 00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:56,847 I love you, too. 557 00:19:56,978 --> 00:19:59,459 Because I may be a moron... 558 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,332 Yes? 559 00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:04,638 Yes. 560 00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:12,559 Mom, you're back! 561 00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:14,256 Enemy reinforcements, Rogu. 562 00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:16,302 The Alamo must not fall! 563 00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:21,872 Rogu going to Hell, but he not going alone. 564 00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:23,309 [screaming manically] 565 00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:25,441 One more drink at O'Rrivals? 566 00:20:25,572 --> 00:20:26,486 Why stop at one? 567 00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:28,357 ROGU: [screaming continues] 568 00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:32,361 STEVE: Why do you keep leaving?! 569 00:20:32,492 --> 00:20:34,363 Have a great night. 570 00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:37,975 --Captions by VITAC--