1
00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:04,036
And now "On the Lighter Side,"
2
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,971
a teenage boy was found guilty
of murdering his own father --
3
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:08,140
"On the Lighter Side"?
Who the hell's writing this?!
4
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:09,441
MAN:
I just get the coffee.
5
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,044
I don't have one of those,
either!
6
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:14,880
Ashton Carlyle, the so-called
prep-school killer,
7
00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:16,782
can be seen reacting
to the verdict
8
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,485
in these dramatic images
from our new courtroom artist,
9
00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:21,353
cartoonist Cathy Guisewite.
10
00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:28,227
Bet that poor boy's father
didn't spend any time with him.
11
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:30,295
I hope they fry him.
12
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STAN: My God, I haven't spent
any time with Steve lately.
13
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Well, I'm sure he's fine.
14
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What the hell kind of smile
was that?!
15
00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:41,206
My God,
he's a ticking time bomb!
16
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,342
If I don't spend some time with
the boy, there's no telling
17
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:46,712
what twisted, gruesome fate
I'll meet at his savage hands!
18
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:49,648
(eerie music plays)
19
00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:52,017
That's it!
We're hanging out.
20
00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:53,852
If you're gonna kill anyone
in this family,
21
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,654
it's gonna be
only Francine.
What?
22
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,923
Don't talk back
to your father.
23
00:00:57,925 --> 00:01:01,994
(soft rock music plays)
¶ La la la la ¶
24
00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:04,096
¶ La la la ¶
25
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:10,803
¶ La la la la la la ¶
26
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:15,441
¶ La la la la ¶
27
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,509
¶ La la la ¶
28
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(sighs) Just try to put
the ball through the hoop.
29
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No sweat.
30
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My peers don't call me
Swishy for nothing.
31
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:29,455
(groans weakly)
32
00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:30,422
Wha!
33
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,091
This is hopeless.
34
00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:33,759
How can we bond
if there's nothing
35
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:36,428
Steve's good at
that we can bond over?
36
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,364
I'm going inside.
Just put the ball away, please.
37
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:46,805
(gasping)
38
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,107
(ding!)
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00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:49,942
That's it!
40
00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:53,545
I can teach Steve the basics
of electrical engineering!
41
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,781
Oh, that's stupid.
42
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:00,285
Bowling!
43
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,788
(patriotic music plays)
44
00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:06,058
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
45
00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:09,428
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
46
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:12,731
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
47
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:16,802
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
48
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:21,974
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
49
00:02:21,976 --> 00:02:24,276
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
50
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:25,577
Aah!
51
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:30,282
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
52
00:02:30,284 --> 00:02:33,952
¶¶
53
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:37,656
I found my ball.
I call her Whisper Willow.
54
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,158
Okay...
55
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,627
Now, a good roll
is all about the release.
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00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:43,428
The release, of course.
57
00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:45,931
You can't hold on
to the ball.
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00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:48,667
A bowler's ultimate goal
is to roll a strike,
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00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,602
because you get
a hilarious little movie
60
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:52,437
starring bowling-pin men!
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00:02:57,878 --> 00:02:59,711
-Whoa!
-Cool beans!
62
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,681
("Hail to the Chief" plays)
63
00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:09,188
(laughter)
64
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,793
Damn, son,
you're a natural!
65
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,662
Here, I found us
some nachos.
66
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:18,130
Mmm!
67
00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:20,666
I love the way the filth
from the finger holes
68
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:22,401
mixes with
the synthetic cheese.
69
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:24,536
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
70
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,405
And blasting
all those pins
71
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:28,373
must have made you
thirsty, too.
72
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:29,908
What?
Are you -- really?
73
00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:31,343
Nothing wrong
with a father
74
00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,912
sharing a cold one
with his boy.
75
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,981
(chuckles)
76
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:39,051
These darn glasses seem
to be all fogged up.
77
00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:41,687
'Cause I'm not
seeing a thing.
78
00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,088
(ding!)
79
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,357
Hanging out with you
80
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,426
has been the most
awesome time ever, Dad.
81
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,394
You know, I actually
feel the same way.
82
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,063
Like -- like,
I'm not faking it
83
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:53,065
and -- and your mom's not
making me say it.
84
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,734
Would -- would it be weird
if I did this?
85
00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:58,403
Are --
Are we --
86
00:03:58,405 --> 00:03:59,738
Are we doing this?
87
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,873
I think --
I think we are.
88
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:03,141
We're hugging!
89
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,546
(chuckling)
Well...
90
00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:11,083
I better get my gosh-darn
prescription checked...
91
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:13,952
'cause I'm not seeing
anything here.
92
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,587
(ding!)
93
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:24,363
And not only
am I molding Steve
94
00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:26,865
into the best bowler
this side of Chimdale,
95
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:30,435
he came up with, um, just
about the funniest joke names
96
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:32,471
for the scoreboard
I've ever heard in my life.
97
00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,273
Isn't that right,
Mr. Butt?!
98
00:04:34,275 --> 00:04:36,742
Sure is, Dr. Balls!
99
00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:39,077
(both laughing)
100
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,280
Oh, mmm!
101
00:04:41,282 --> 00:04:44,816
Do you have to hug after
every stupid thing you say?
102
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,619
And there's a big father-son
tournament tomorrow night.
103
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,421
We're pretty much
a lock to win.
104
00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,789
You guys should all come.
105
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,791
-Ha.
-Roger, think you can make it?
106
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,326
Yeah, of course,
you kidding me?
107
00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:55,994
I wouldn't miss it.
-That's great.
108
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:58,063
And to the victory party
after the tournament?
109
00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:00,132
Tournament?
First I'm hearing of it.
110
00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:02,668
Oh, my God, Roger,
you have no attention span.
111
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,136
(gasps)
How dare you!
112
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:06,338
Leave it!
113
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,774
Bald-ass alien
piece of shit.
114
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,942
You're the one with
no attention span, Hayley!
115
00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:12,277
KLAUS:
I'll settle this!
116
00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:14,246
Now, here goes the fish.
117
00:05:14,248 --> 00:05:16,081
I propose a contest...
118
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:19,484
that will settle which of you
has the worst attention span.
119
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:22,421
And the contest is...
120
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:23,789
T...
121
00:05:23,791 --> 00:05:25,357
B...
122
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:27,592
D.
123
00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:32,531
(cheering)
124
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:35,133
MAN: Let's hear it for Steve
and Stan Smith, folks --
125
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:37,502
winners of this year's
father-son tournament.
126
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:41,340
Schmueley, second place is
still pretty great, champ.
127
00:05:41,342 --> 00:05:43,342
Hey, that's not
that kid's dad!
128
00:05:43,344 --> 00:05:46,144
He's just a caring
and supportive friend
of the family!
129
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:48,480
They're onto us!
130
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:50,615
You did it, son!
131
00:05:50,617 --> 00:05:52,284
We did it, Dad.
132
00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:55,954
Hardly. You carried your father
like cheap luggage.
133
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,389
How cheap we talking?
134
00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:59,391
-Nautica.
-I'll kill you!
135
00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:01,660
Mr. Smith,
your boy has a gift.
136
00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,729
But you've taken him
as far as you can.
137
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,397
With
my coaching expertise,
138
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:07,866
I can turn him
into the next Sid Bunch.
139
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,502
Sid Bunch?
140
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,304
The most famous bowler
of all time.
141
00:06:12,306 --> 00:06:14,406
He made the cover
of "Sports Illustrated."
142
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:17,709
-Wow!
-Wow!
143
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,511
But I don't know.
144
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:21,480
Bowling is really
more just a fun thing
145
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,881
me and my dad
do together.
146
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,850
Yeah, I'm --
I'm not so sure, either.
147
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:27,219
I understand.
There's nothing more beautiful
148
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:29,654
than a father's love
for his son.
149
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:35,260
So I guess...
this is goodbye.
150
00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:36,728
Except
bowling greatness!
151
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,064
And we can get him there --
together.
152
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:42,100
Team Steve.
What do you say?
153
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,569
I guess I wouldn't want
to hold you back.
154
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:47,706
And I'd end up being
a-a really great bowler.
155
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:49,941
And we'd still be together.
156
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,610
Right.
157
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:53,678
So...
-So let's do it!
158
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,547
Wait, how do I know
you're a good bowling coach?
159
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:58,183
Would a bad bowling coach
have...this?!
160
00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:00,252
Would you accept
a blank check?
161
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,356
I got it!
162
00:07:04,358 --> 00:07:06,958
The perfect test of your
attention-paying abilities.
163
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,895
Hey, ding-a-ling,
pay attention, if you can.
164
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,696
The winner will be
whoever makes it
165
00:07:11,698 --> 00:07:14,032
furthest through this --
166
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:18,036
the 86-hour PBS series,
"Ken Burns' Bicycles,"
167
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:21,039
a documentary so unwieldy
and meandering,
168
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:24,042
Burns himself
has disavowed it.
169
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,611
I found it
in a Goodwill --
170
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:29,381
in between an old Teddy Ruxpin
and a baby coffin.
171
00:07:29,383 --> 00:07:32,851
Heads up, you are not gonna
find a better Goodwill.
172
00:07:35,389 --> 00:07:38,323
All the power of your roll
comes from your ankle.
173
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,158
Now, I want you to shut
everything else out
174
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,061
and focus intensely
on your ankle.
175
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:47,132
(mysterious music plays)
176
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,670
Should I roll
the ball now?
177
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,205
You already have.
178
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,944
Very good.
Now, roll again.
179
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:00,779
-Mind that release, son!
-Whoop!
180
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,848
(grunts)
181
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:06,985
-(spider screeches)
-Nooooo!
182
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,321
(sighs)
183
00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,656
Mr. Smith, I'm afraid
that from now on,
184
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,358
these will be
closed practices.
185
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,826
You --
you must be joking!
186
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,127
I assure you, Mr. Smith,
187
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:17,829
had I been making
an attempt at humor,
188
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,865
I would have said,
"Boom shaka-laka."
189
00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:22,868
But I just ordered
a soft pretzel.
190
00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:24,936
Can I please wait for that,
at least?
191
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,672
Sure...outside.
192
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:29,608
Boom shaka-laka.
193
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:40,018
All right, son, now,
remember what I taught you.
194
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,019
You got it, Dad!
195
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,687
Want some help rolling the ball?
196
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:43,889
Sure do!
197
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,959
Aah!
198
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:51,062
It's just not the same
as bowling with Steve.
199
00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:52,397
Oh, honey.
200
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,132
Just 'cause you're
not coaching Steve
201
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,134
doesn't mean
you can't be with him.
202
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,302
You can support him.
203
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:58,537
Support him?
204
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:01,806
Yes, I can cheer him on,
like a fan.
205
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:04,042
His number-one fan!
206
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,343
Oh, yeah!
207
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:06,545
If you'll excuse me,
208
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:08,513
I've got a bowling match
to get to.
209
00:09:08,515 --> 00:09:10,348
Wait -- match, contest?
210
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:11,550
Never mind.
211
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:14,052
You just worry
about that sink.
212
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:16,988
You walk off, you lose.
213
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,857
You doze off, you lose.
214
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:22,193
The minute I push play,
it's Burns, baby, Burns!
215
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:23,361
Scared?
216
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:25,230
Sure you don't want
to pull out?
217
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:28,433
News flash, bong brain,
I never pull out!
218
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,901
Boom shaka-laka!
Ha ha.
219
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,603
Now let's watch
this garbage.
220
00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:33,338
(violin playing)
221
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:38,109
NARRATOR: "Woe be to the lost
art of perambulation...
222
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:42,247
where those cherished
cobblestone thoroughfares
223
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:45,183
where once we did walk,
224
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:52,257
now do we pump, pedal,
and thus, truly, we fly."
225
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:55,360
Walt Whitman.
226
00:09:55,362 --> 00:10:01,499
Oh, shi-i-i-i-i-i-t.
227
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:07,205
Yeah-ha-ah!
Attaboy, Steve!
228
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,107
Look how excited
my dad is.
229
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,309
I mean, I miss
playing with him,
230
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,945
but he obviously wants me
to be the best.
231
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,480
Look how excited
Steve is.
232
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,315
I mean, I miss
playing with him,
233
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,417
but he obviously
wants to be the best.
234
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,386
You gotta support
your kids, right?
235
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,154
Even though
every time you cheer,
236
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,657
it's like they're drifting
a little farther away from you.
237
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:26,625
So true.
238
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:28,226
You a bowling parent,
too?
239
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,594
Oh, no!
I'm a pervert.
240
00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:31,596
Yep, just here
for the eye candy.
241
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:33,965
So which boy is yours?
242
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,734
Uh, the hot one, duh!
243
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:38,303
¶¶
244
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,238
Yay-hey-hey!
245
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,239
Whoo!
246
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:44,342
Yeah!
247
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,678
They should call my boy
the Lumberjack
248
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,147
the way he's chopping down
all that wood.
249
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,682
Or Working Girl,
250
00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:54,252
the way he works those balls
so nice and sweet.
251
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:56,855
You know what?
Let's stick with lumberjack.
252
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:59,457
¶ Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin' ¶
253
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:02,127
¶ Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin' ¶
254
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,796
¶ Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin' ¶
255
00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:06,998
¶ Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin' ¶
256
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,433
¶ Move in, now move out ¶
257
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:09,467
¶ Hands up, now hands down ¶
258
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:10,935
¶ Back up, back up ¶
259
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:12,170
¶ Tell me
what you're gonna do now ¶
260
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,304
¶ Breathe in, now breathe out ¶
261
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:14,706
¶ Hands up, now hands down ¶
262
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:16,107
¶ Back up, back up ¶
263
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,642
¶ Tell me
what you're gonna do now ¶
264
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,778
¶ Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin' ¶
265
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:22,380
¶ Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin' ¶
266
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,282
¶ Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin' ¶
267
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:27,385
¶ Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin' ¶
268
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:30,655
Timber!
269
00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:32,123
What's wrong with Steve?
270
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,491
He looks bummed.
271
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:35,527
Maybe I'm not bringing
it hard enough.
272
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,629
Come on, let's get it
going for Steve!
273
00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:39,330
I say, "Lumber,"
you say, "Jack!"
274
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:40,965
Lumber!
275
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:43,501
Look, we just want to support
our own kids, okay?
276
00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,036
That's it, it's gorilla time!
277
00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:49,674
I'm an innocent man!
278
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:52,177
(violin playing)
279
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:56,581
NARRATOR: Adolphus Schwinn
next took his invention
280
00:11:56,583 --> 00:12:01,586
on tour to Quincy, Illinois;
Newport, Kentucky;
281
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:06,191
Wheeling, West Virginia;
Utica, New York;
282
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:11,730
Dorchester, Massachusetts;
back through Newport, Kentucky,
283
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:14,999
then on to Portsmouth,
New Hampshire;
284
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:18,770
and, finally,
Allegheny, Pennsylvania.
285
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:23,374
But it was another discovery
in New Albany, Indiana,
286
00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:28,246
that was about to change
the bicycle forever.
287
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:31,783
MAN: Now, you can't talk
about bicycles
288
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:34,285
without talking about rubber.
289
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:37,122
NARRATOR:
And talk about rubber, we shall,
290
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:41,960
in the next 6-hour installment
of "Ken Burns' Bicycles."
291
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,528
Wow.
292
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:44,629
(whistle blows)
293
00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:45,697
Tape change!
294
00:12:45,699 --> 00:12:48,933
(groans)
295
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:52,070
ANNOUNCER: Welcome
to the NBL Junior Invitational!
296
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:54,239
The excitement
is palpable here.
297
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,241
The stands,
absolutely packed
298
00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,810
with what I like to call
gutter people.
299
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,111
(laughs)
300
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,813
Delightful bowling
pun there, Greg.
301
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:02,814
Bowling pun?
302
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:10,755
Try to keep me from
the biggest tournament
303
00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,490
of Steve's life -- fat chance!
304
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,259
He's gonna win this thing.
305
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:17,262
And I'll be damned
if I'm not gonna be there
306
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:20,131
to con-Taz-ulate my own son.
307
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:27,338
Better hang out in the back
so as not to draw attention.
308
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,744
What's your most
inconspicuous entrée?
309
00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:34,012
The chicken-fried steak
310
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:36,147
ain't making
any lasting impressions.
311
00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:40,318
GREG: And the ball
is loose!
312
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,656
GREG: It all comes down
to this.
313
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:46,124
Knock down
just one more pin
314
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:48,326
and you'll qualify for a spot
on the pro tour.
315
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,028
That's right, Steve's days
316
00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:52,997
of bowling in lame-ass
father-son tournaments
317
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,432
are about to be over.
318
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:55,867
Oh, I didn't realize.
319
00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:58,203
But I guess
that's the sacrifice
320
00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:00,505
you have to make
to be the best.
321
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,540
I've let this go too far.
322
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:05,343
It's time
to make things right.
323
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:20,058
(screams)
324
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,292
ANNOUNCER: My God!
325
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:23,127
The Lumberjack
has been stabbed!
326
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:25,964
This is truly bowling's darkest,
most exciting day.
327
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:28,733
(chuckles)
328
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,969
Shh.
I'm right here with you.
329
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:34,072
(gasps)
How bad is it, coach?
330
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,640
Career-ending!
331
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:38,576
Goodbye forever, Steve.
332
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,311
(horn blares, tires screech)
333
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:42,180
(crash!)
334
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:44,382
What?!
What happened?!
335
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,050
What have I done?!
336
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,119
Oh, my God!
(gasps)
337
00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:54,626
I stabbed my son!
338
00:15:02,168 --> 00:15:04,569
I still can't believe
I stabbed my own son!
339
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,237
But that's all in the past now.
340
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:09,207
You've got your boy back,
so now you're just gonna focus
341
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:11,910
on reconnecting with him
and never letting him go.
342
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:13,878
You don't tell Steve
about this,
343
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,213
and I won't tell Klaus
344
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:17,515
you're the one who broke
his Dilbert mug.
345
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:18,850
Okay, deal, deal!
346
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,186
Hey, there, slugger!
347
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:24,255
Want to work
on a Lego set together
348
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,457
or go down to the
Whole Foods buffet,
349
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:28,293
pick up some slops
and stews?
350
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,061
Maybe get
super into jazz --
351
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:32,196
father and son,
two big jazz heads.
352
00:15:32,198 --> 00:15:33,765
Actually, all
I really want to do
353
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,266
is figure out
who attacked me.
354
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,101
What if this sicko
tries again?
355
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,938
I'm pretty sure
the stabber's stabbing days
356
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:42,307
are behind Stan --
him -- it!
357
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:43,708
You sound like the cops.
358
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:45,910
They've given up
on the case already, too.
359
00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:48,046
To them, I'm just
one more white kid
360
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:50,081
who got stabbed
in a bowling alley.
361
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:51,482
Ah, what are you
gonna do?
362
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,117
Let's home-brew
some root beer.
363
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,753
But -- well, you're kind of
a detective --
364
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,822
you know,
working for the C.I.A.
365
00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,625
Maybe you could help me
investigate, as a...
366
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,126
Team?!
Team Steve?!
367
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,127
Let me think.
368
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,729
From what I recall,
369
00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:07,298
the stabber covered
her tracks perfectly,
370
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:10,168
so, yeah, father-son time,
let's do it.
371
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:16,007
Okay. This is where
the attack occurred.
372
00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:17,241
(screams)
373
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:18,543
Hmm.
374
00:16:20,914 --> 00:16:22,246
(gasps)
Look!
375
00:16:22,248 --> 00:16:24,782
These must be
the stabber's footprints!
376
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:27,118
See?! They're the only ones
with a tread.
377
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:30,088
Bowling shoes
are smooth.
378
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,790
And the shoe prints
continue out here,
379
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:35,360
which means we can track
where the stabber went!
380
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:37,595
Wait, since when
is Steve smart?
381
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:40,031
He's a jock.
382
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:43,468
NARRATOR: And who knows
what the future holds
383
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:45,269
for the humble bicycle.
384
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:49,507
Maybe a basket
to put all your stuff in.
385
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:50,975
The end.
386
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:52,310
(sniffles)
387
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:53,678
So beautiful.
388
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,779
(snoring)
389
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:56,214
(whistle blows)
390
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:58,016
Wha-- what's going on?!
Did -- did I win?
391
00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:01,152
Roger, you made it
through the whole thing.
392
00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:04,555
Kudos!
393
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,491
(air gushing)
394
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:08,793
(both screaming)
395
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,528
Wait a minute.
396
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:14,198
(laughing)
397
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,400
(both scream)
398
00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:17,301
What are you doing
in my room?
399
00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:19,370
Are you serious?
The contest!
400
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,140
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got bored.
401
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:23,574
That's why I molted
402
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,476
and came in here
to watch "Yas Cat" videos.
403
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:26,644
Molt and bolt, baby.
404
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:27,745
Ha!
-Oh, snap!
405
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:28,746
Is that a new
"Bad Lip Synch"?
406
00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:30,214
Oh, tight.
407
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:33,651
Look at the two of you.
You're pathetic!
408
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,520
No, Klaus.
I realized something
409
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:38,489
about two days into whatever
it was we were watching.
410
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:39,757
A short attention span
411
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:41,526
is not something
to be ashamed of,
412
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:43,261
it's something
to be proud of --
413
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:45,730
like owning a sous-vide
or having big old tits.
414
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,698
Throughout history,
it's been people
415
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,067
with short attention spans
416
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:51,903
who've been responsible
for...culture
417
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:56,007
and inventions that, um,
have changed the course of...
418
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:58,042
What are we
talking about?
419
00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:59,544
You were...
Uh...
420
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,212
Didn't you
ask me something?
421
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:02,747
-I thought -- what?
-Huh?
422
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,849
I'm sorry,
I don't believe we've met.
423
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:05,917
My name is Roger.
424
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:09,620
You're digging
through trash, son.
425
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:11,923
No judge is going to admit
garbage as evidence.
426
00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:12,924
It's gross.
427
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,225
This Dumpster
is filled
428
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,793
with weapons
and blood-soaked hoodies.
429
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,562
How am I supposed
to find the ones
430
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:18,963
that belong
to my stabber?
431
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,531
Hey!
432
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,533
Well, you gave it
your best shot.
433
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,136
Aha! I distinctly
remember the stabber
434
00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:27,405
reeking
of chicken-fried steak.
435
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:28,539
(inhales deeply)
436
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:29,974
Just like this hoodie!
437
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,075
And, look!
438
00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:33,211
It's a receipt
for a custom
439
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:35,646
"Con-Taz-ulations,
Steve!" cake.
440
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:37,215
This Taz-loving sicko
441
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,617
must have really
been obsessed with me.
442
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,220
Find that cake and
we'll find our stabber.
443
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:55,766
You...were the one
who stabbed me?!
444
00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:57,468
Where's your proof?
445
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,971
Damn it!
446
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,506
Why would you do this?!
447
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,441
The edge pieces
have the most icing.
448
00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:05,443
No!
Stabbing me!
449
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:06,811
I don't know!
450
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,347
We had such a good thing
going for a while,
451
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:11,516
and -- and then
I started to lose you.
452
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,851
And -- and when I heard
I'd never be able
453
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:15,153
to bowl with you again,
I -- I...
454
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,687
I just snapped.
455
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:19,023
Can you ever forgive me
and also not tell the police?!
456
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:21,659
(sighs)
Yes.
457
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,594
But you didn't have
to stab me.
458
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,862
I didn't?
459
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:27,532
Well, what?
Of course you didn't!
460
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:29,934
There could never be
a reason to st--
461
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,537
Never mind.
What I mean is...
462
00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:34,605
I was gonna gutter ball
that last roll.
463
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:36,507
What?! Why?!
464
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,643
You had a chance to go pro,
to be the best!
465
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:40,478
I thought that was
what you wanted.
466
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:41,946
I never cared
about that.
467
00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:43,881
I wanted things to go back
to how they were
468
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:45,816
when it was just you and me
having fun.
469
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,185
That's what I wanted.
470
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:48,553
It was?
471
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:50,321
Is that why
you were acting so weird?
472
00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:51,656
Weird?! How?
473
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:53,391
Stabbing me
comes to mind!
474
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:56,160
You're just never gonna let me
live that down, are you?
475
00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:58,462
Come on, look, getting stabbed
is not that big a deal.
476
00:19:58,464 --> 00:19:59,997
See? Bop!
See, nothing?
477
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,332
Bop!
Bop, bop, bop!
478
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:02,900
No biggie.
Do it in the back.
479
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:04,635
Bop, bop!
I'm fine, see?
480
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,370
Few more?
Bop, bop, bop.
481
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:14,011
It's possible that some of this
could have been avoided.
482
00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:15,913
You know
where the breakdown was?
483
00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:16,847
In your mental state?
484
00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:18,349
In our communication.
485
00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:20,318
We both just wanted
to spend time together.
486
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,919
And if we'd been open
about that,
487
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,521
none of this
would have happened.
488
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:25,256
So you swear
you're not upset
489
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:27,525
that I'm never gonna
be the best bowler?
490
00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:29,827
Yes. Because you're already
the best son.
491
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:31,929
At least,
the best I've ever had.
492
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:33,764
Mmm!
493
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:35,266
Let's agree
that from now on,
494
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:37,535
before we assume we know
what the other person wants,
495
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,537
that we'll talk to each other
about it first.
496
00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:40,705
You got it.
497
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:42,873
Excuse me.
Langley Falls P.D.
498
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,508
I couldn't help
but observe
499
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:47,078
Steve's detective work
back at the bowling alley.
500
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,413
Your boy's got a gift.
With my expertise --
501
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:50,881
He would love to.
502
00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:53,451
(bird squawking loudly)
503
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:54,285
Hmm!
504
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:56,287
(retches)
505
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:58,256
(sobbing)
506
00:20:58,258 --> 00:20:59,690
Whose kid is this?!
507
00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:02,193
Who would let their kid
see this?!
508
00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:04,195
Have a great night.