1
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:12,378
( jazz music plays )
2
00:00:15,282 --> 00:00:18,150
When I joined the C.I.A.,
I knew the deal.
3
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:20,519
If we make a mistake,
we cover it up,
4
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:23,355
like the time Dick accidentally
created feline AIDS,
5
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:26,492
and we covered it up
by blaming it on gay cats.
6
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,193
But this was different.
7
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:30,763
This was too big to cover.
8
00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:34,199
And Bullock wanted blood.
9
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:37,336
Now, I'm only going
to say this once.
10
00:00:37,338 --> 00:00:39,905
I love Christmas!
11
00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:43,242
Okay, two numbers left
in the Evil Santa gift swap.
12
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,077
Number 13.
13
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:48,147
Davenport, choose a gift
from the table
14
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:50,382
or take someone else's.
15
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:53,485
The Nicolas Cage stickers
and tin of breadsticks thing is
16
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:56,455
still extremely available
for a steal.
17
00:00:57,691 --> 00:01:00,859
(laughter)
18
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:02,561
(chuckles)
Tough luck, Duper.
19
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,029
Anyway, Davenport,
you're up.
20
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:05,931
Uh, I'll pick.
21
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:08,000
We have a picker!
22
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,206
It's a pizza-slice
sleeping bag!
23
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:16,275
And the crust is
a sewn-in pillow.
24
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,010
He'll be king
of the sleepover!
25
00:01:18,012 --> 00:01:20,179
(all chant
"Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!")
26
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,513
A winning gift!
27
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,415
Unlike the breadsticks,
28
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,418
which have effectively taken
Duper out of the game.
29
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:29,288
(laughter)
30
00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:32,458
Still, it gave everyone else
the gift of laughter --
31
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:35,627
in a way,
the only true gift.
32
00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:37,830
Okay, my turn.
33
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:42,868
Hmm, The torture variety pack
is tempting --
34
00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:47,072
heretic's fork, metal spanker,
anal-tarring brush.
35
00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:48,273
It's a barbecue set.
36
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,442
But who needs
two of anything?
37
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:51,677
I shall pick.
38
00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:58,784
Wait, t-there should be
a gift here.
39
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,552
There's no gift for me.
40
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:03,055
But -- but that means
41
00:02:03,057 --> 00:02:04,323
someone didn't bring one!
42
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:06,158
What?!
Impossible!
43
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,326
It can't be!
44
00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:08,794
It is be.
45
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,229
Who didn't bring a gift?
46
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,998
And don't try to sell me
on the gift of laughter,
47
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,299
'cause that's horse shit!
48
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:17,302
Who was it?!
Who's ruined everything?!
49
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:19,404
STAN: Everyone was a suspect.
50
00:02:19,406 --> 00:02:22,241
Only one person knew
who did it.
51
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:23,976
There was one thing
we all knew.
52
00:02:23,978 --> 00:02:27,312
I'm going to (bleep)
this (bleep) in the tushy!
53
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:30,682
Hand me
the anal-tarring brush!
54
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:36,321
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
55
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,992
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
56
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:42,861
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
57
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:47,266
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
58
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:52,304
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
59
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:54,439
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
60
00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:55,741
Aah!
61
00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:00,712
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
62
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:03,348
( jazz music plays )
No one knew
who didn't bring the gift,
63
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:06,451
or worse -- what Bullock
might do trying to find out.
64
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:10,155
Now, I'm no chef,
but an unpredictable man
65
00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:14,726
in a position of power smelled
like a bad recipe to me.
66
00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:17,896
And I should know --
I'm an expert chef.
67
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:20,465
Le Cordon Bleu class of '08.
68
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:23,635
(crashing, clattering)
Sir?
69
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:25,037
You seem
a little upset.
70
00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:26,972
You can
always read me, Smith!
71
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:29,074
I'm bloody outraged!
72
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:34,246
Sir, if I may,
it's only Evil Santa.
73
00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:36,848
"Only Evil Santa?"
74
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,384
"Only Evil Santa."
75
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:41,653
And this is
only a pin.
76
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,322
Whoa-ho-ho!
77
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:46,525
Every agent puts his life in
the hands of his fellow agents,
78
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:49,361
and if we can't trust
our fellow agents,
79
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,929
all our lives are
at risk!
80
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,232
I-I see how it's
a big deal now, sir.
81
00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:54,666
I swear to you, Smith,
82
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:57,402
I will find out
who didn't bring a present.
83
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,838
I refuse
to live like this!
84
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,241
Office grenade!
85
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:06,044
MAN: Oh, no!
My whiskey stones!
86
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,946
They weren't destroyed!
87
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:10,349
Sir, I-I know you want
to get this guy,
88
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:12,517
but maybe you're
too close to it,
89
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:14,686
like a doctor operating
on their own child.
90
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:17,356
Or a person standing
right behind another person.
91
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,591
Sure.
Listen, you're a busy man.
92
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,260
You've got
the C.I.A. to run
93
00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:23,195
and pins to keep
in your grenades.
94
00:04:23,197 --> 00:04:24,963
Why don't you let me lead
the investigation?
95
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,365
Well, that's not
up to me.
96
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,966
That's up
to the hiring committee,
97
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:30,969
of which I appoint you
the sole member.
98
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,205
Then,
I'll...hire myself?
99
00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:37,042
Those pencil pushers finally got
something right.
100
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,782
Thanks for taking me
to get a new suit, Klaus.
101
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,117
I figure
I should start planning
102
00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,985
for the Spring Harvest dance
now.
103
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:49,888
It's never too early to start
thinking about outfits.
104
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,657
I mean, I already know
what I'm gonna wear
105
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:52,891
to your funeral.
106
00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:54,960
My Insane Clown Posse
t-shirt.
107
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,128
That looks great
on you.
108
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,496
Yeah, no shit.
109
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,331
Trying to impress
a lady?
110
00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:01,133
Trying to impress
all of them.
111
00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:03,769
You know who never lacked
for attention?
112
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,271
Solomon Chantez Le Bas,
113
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:10,175
the most storied lady killer
of the 1890s.
114
00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:14,913
His secret --
an antique handkerchief.
115
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,515
The gentleman angle.
116
00:05:17,251 --> 00:05:18,684
I'll take it!
117
00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:23,355
That's crazy,
but it's your funeral, bro.
118
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:27,092
(all sobbing)
119
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:31,863
(door slams open)
120
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:34,199
¶ Ticket please, thanks,
walk through the doors ¶
121
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:36,935
¶ Into the Halls Of Illusions,
visit yours ¶
122
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:38,437
¶ And see what could've
and should've ¶
123
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,339
¶ and would've been real ¶
124
00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:42,341
¶ But you had to (record
scratches) up the whole deal ¶
125
00:05:42,343 --> 00:05:44,876
¶ Great Milenko,
wave your wand ¶
126
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:47,813
¶ Don't look now,
your life is gone ¶
127
00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,214
( jazz music plays )
Taking the case,
128
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,550
I knew what might happen
to the guilty agent.
129
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:55,187
But I never imagined what would
happen to the innocent ones.
130
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,691
Look, Bullock wants me
to crack heads,
131
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,626
but we're friends,
so let's just sit in here
132
00:06:01,628 --> 00:06:03,295
for 10 minutes
and shoot the breeze.
133
00:06:03,297 --> 00:06:04,830
Oh, great,
I don't know why,
134
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,832
but I was a little nervous
about this.
135
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:08,333
The only thing
you should be nervous about is
136
00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:09,501
your golf game.
137
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:11,236
(both laugh)
138
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:13,338
You can't clam up
on me, punk!
139
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:14,573
I know
you're hiding something!
140
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,042
Okay! Okay!
141
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,211
I'm the one taking dumps
in the urinals!
142
00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:21,713
I call it
an "inside the park home run"!
143
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,583
(sobbing)
144
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:25,851
Smith, good work.
145
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,919
Dick, that's
a funny name for it.
146
00:06:29,323 --> 00:06:30,722
Congratulations, Dick.
147
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,158
You are no longer
my number-one suspect.
148
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,026
You're
my number-two suspect.
149
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:37,028
That's a shit joke, Dick.
(laughs)
150
00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:38,897
Who says
this can't be fun?
151
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:43,702
Styles!
Thanks for dropping by, bud.
152
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,670
When are we gonna get back
on that squash court?
153
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,672
I had a thought,
Smith.
154
00:06:47,674 --> 00:06:48,874
Never mind.
155
00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:50,709
We can talk
after your interviews.
156
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:53,111
( jazz music plays )
I used to be a popular guy,
157
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,447
but if you leave
no stone unturned,
158
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:59,518
eventually the stones turn
on you.
159
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,188
(school bell rings)
160
00:07:05,359 --> 00:07:06,525
(knuckles crack)
161
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,693
(sneezes)
162
00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:10,262
Handkerchief,
my lady?
163
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:13,698
You're such a gentleman,
Steve.
164
00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:15,367
We are a dying breed.
165
00:07:15,369 --> 00:07:17,636
My mother's always saying
I should be looking
166
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:19,104
for boys like you.
(ding!)
167
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,772
I super love
my mom, too.
168
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,040
(ding!)
169
00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:23,275
Aww!
170
00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:26,278
This may seem forward,
171
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:29,080
but would you take me
to the Spring Harvest
dance next weekend?
172
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:32,818
(classical music plays)
173
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:59,411
I would love to.
174
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:02,848
Maybe it's time
to put someone else
175
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,483
on the Evil Santa case.
176
00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:07,152
It's been months, and you have
nothing to show for it.
177
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,520
Not nothing, sir.
178
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:10,021
I have this.
179
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:13,425
I just need to turn
one of these question marks
180
00:08:13,427 --> 00:08:14,993
into something I know.
181
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,762
(groans)
Idiotic.
182
00:08:17,764 --> 00:08:20,332
I didn't know
if I was impressing him or not,
183
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:21,933
but I did know one thing --
184
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,536
I couldn't let him take me
off the case
185
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,272
because the man
I was hunting...
186
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:28,473
was me.
187
00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:30,342
Aw, damn!
188
00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,043
You nasty.
189
00:08:36,783 --> 00:08:38,149
I mean,
I meant to bring a present,
190
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,785
but I couldn't
because I forgot to buy one.
191
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:42,120
Now I'm in too deep,
192
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:44,189
caught in a web of lies,
and it's killing me.
193
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,557
Killing you?
194
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:48,159
A web of lies is
only bad for the fly.
195
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,628
You're the spider.
196
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:51,963
For the spider,
the web's a P.F. Chang's.
197
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:53,164
P.F. Chang's?
198
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,699
That's a good thing?
199
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,201
It's a great thing!
200
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,903
I knew I should come
to you with this.
201
00:08:57,905 --> 00:09:00,405
You're the best liar I know.
I need your help.
202
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:01,573
All right,
I'll get you out.
203
00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:03,008
But you have
to listen carefully,
204
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,043
and you're gonna have
to lie a bit more.
205
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,378
If it ends this,
206
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,747
I'm in your hands.
Perfect.
207
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,382
These are the same hands
that choked Lisa Bonet
208
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,217
when she beat me out
for the role of Denise Huxtable
209
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:13,752
on "A Different World."
210
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,820
That was a lie.
The role was created for her.
211
00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:16,988
But I did choke her.
212
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:19,090
Now, here are
a few crucial phases
213
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:20,559
to controlling a lie.
214
00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:23,862
The first phase is
believe the lie.
215
00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:26,031
You haven't believed,
so you've been stalling,
216
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,766
spinning your wheels.
217
00:09:27,768 --> 00:09:30,101
You would never do that
on a real case.
I know.
218
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:32,070
Bullock wants
to bring in someone else.
219
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,873
And that's exactly
what's gonna happen.
220
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:37,742
Sir, I know how much
this case means to you,
221
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,244
so I'm bringing on
some help.
222
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,746
Ace Crouton,
consulting detective.
223
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,181
Now, let's get
one thing straight --
224
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,083
I work for the case,
not for the cops,
225
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,085
not for him,
and definitely not for --
226
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,020
I'm talking to a chair.
Why am I talking to a chair?
227
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,622
Sorry, I was fired up,
so I came in
228
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,424
and just kind of went
into it.
229
00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:54,526
Don't worry, Smith.
I heard everything.
Carry on.
230
00:09:54,528 --> 00:09:56,428
We need wire taps,
surveillance vans,
231
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:57,963
a satellite team
in Bogotá.
232
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:00,131
Yes!
I love this new energy.
233
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,767
The entire C.I.A. is
at your disposal.
234
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,869
Does that include
the Starbucks in the lobby --
235
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:06,471
specifically
the employees,
236
00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:07,939
specifically Greg?
237
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,207
Uhh...
238
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,476
you can have Kevin,
239
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,278
but not Greg.
240
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,214
(indistinct conversations)
241
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:17,983
Bye, Jim.
Bye, Liz.
242
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,784
You better expect
a call on Monday
243
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,786
for that
lemon-bar recipe.
244
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:24,489
Boy, your parents are
super rad.
245
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:27,225
Steve, you were great.
My parents loved you.
246
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:29,060
Have fun at the dance.
Huh?
247
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:31,796
Wait, did I forget
to tell you the plan?
248
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,633
My parents won't let me date
a sexy bad boy like Wyatt,
249
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:36,735
so I used you,
a sexless good boy,
250
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,937
to get
out of the house.
251
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:42,574
She's 14 and you're,
like, 25, buddy!
252
00:10:42,576 --> 00:10:46,411
Good luck picking a movie
that you both agree on!
253
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,646
(grunts weakly)
254
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:51,249
We just saw
what she did.
255
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,084
Yeah, go ahead.
Laugh it up.
256
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,519
No.
257
00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:57,288
We were wondering --
Would you do that for us?
258
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,357
My parents hate
my boyfriend, too.
259
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:00,825
I'll even pay you.
260
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:04,095
Will you be
our "widdle" good boy, Steve?
261
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:06,498
(thinking) Hmm,
a good boy front.
262
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:09,601
So, first I get the money,
then I get the motorcycle --
263
00:11:09,603 --> 00:11:11,970
after I take
the responsible riders course.
264
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:14,806
Then, I'll be
the responsible, sexy bad boy!
265
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:16,775
Ladies,
we're in business.
266
00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:19,678
So...
267
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,579
will you do it?
Hm?
268
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,150
I can't believe
this worked!
269
00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:26,351
What a rush!
270
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,486
The joy of getting away
with a lie
271
00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:30,989
is better than
a million helping-peoples.
272
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:34,793
Now it's on to phase two
of lying -- benefits.
273
00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:42,333
I don't understand
this phase.
274
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,135
Should we be looking
for something?
275
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,537
The view, Stan.
276
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,972
We use a helicopter
for the "investigation,"
277
00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:50,341
but we're really
enjoying the views.
278
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:51,376
The views?
279
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:52,677
Now you're getting it!
280
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,679
And this is just one
of many benefits.
281
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:55,914
The next is Eat Day.
282
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,816
Eat Day is
just what it sounds like.
283
00:11:57,818 --> 00:11:59,317
Then there's Bone Day.
284
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,653
You just wake up
and start plowing babes all day.
285
00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:03,154
I'm not doing that.
286
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,090
I just want everything normal
at work again.
287
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,391
Ugh, fine.
288
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,393
We'll go straight
to the last phase --
289
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,095
the blame phase.
290
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:13,164
What --
What are you doing, Stan?
291
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,433
Looking for the words.
The words usually appear.
292
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:17,202
Yeah...okay.
293
00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:19,204
Oh, my God,
I think I'm losing it!
294
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,506
Check your jacket pocket.
295
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:22,907
No!
296
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,845
(singsong voice)
The blame phase!
297
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,880
To accept blame.
Of course.
298
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:31,516
I knew eventually
I'd have to fess up.
299
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:32,784
Accept -- Huh?
300
00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:34,352
No! You just blame it
on someone else.
301
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:36,020
I can't blame
another agent.
302
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:37,722
Okay, well,
not a living agent.
303
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:40,058
People in the C.I.A. die
all the time, right?
304
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:42,360
So, wait for the next one
and pin it on them.
305
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,262
That's -- That's actually
a good idea.
306
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,197
What do you mean,
actually a good idea?
307
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,966
You say that like
I don't have good ideas.
308
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:49,467
I always have good ideas.
309
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,370
I am by far the most creative
person in the family!
310
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:53,404
Okay, okay.
311
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:54,706
Okay yourself, guy.
312
00:12:54,708 --> 00:12:57,475
Sorry, sorry.
I'm -- I'm truly sorry.
313
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,644
(sighs)
Let's just forget about it.
314
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:02,947
(sighs)
315
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,717
I feel like
I undersold Bone Day.
316
00:13:05,719 --> 00:13:09,020
¶¶
317
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:44,289
Thanks for not trying
anything, Steve!
318
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:46,324
And I never will!
319
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,462
You asked
to see me, sir?
320
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:54,032
Tell me something good, Smith.
I need it.
321
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,300
Something good.
322
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:57,702
Uh, Big Daddy Jeff
and the Stooge
323
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,204
are back on FM 93.1.
324
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,939
I guess the Stooge
isn't going to prison.
325
00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:04,142
A weight lifted,
and my heart needs it.
326
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:07,779
Agent Davenport died
on a mission last night.
327
00:14:07,781 --> 00:14:11,649
Sir, um, I know
the timing of this is tough,
328
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:15,353
but, well, I closed the case
this morning.
329
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,721
It was Agent Davenport
330
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:18,489
who didn't bring a gift
to Evil Santa.
331
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:19,958
Smith,
are you quite sure?
332
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,793
I am.
333
00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:25,196
Maybe he knew I was close
and took it into his own hands.
334
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:28,399
By tying himself up
and being shot several times
335
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,802
through the trunk
of an old Fiat.
336
00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:32,337
Yes, that makes sense.
337
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,371
But why --
338
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,873
He was still
a great agent.
339
00:14:34,875 --> 00:14:36,407
The best way to honor him
340
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:39,143
is to not look
for any soft spots in my story.
341
00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:40,712
You're right.
342
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:44,916
You can pay
for your Steve date experience
343
00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:46,217
with cash or credit.
344
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,319
She wants to know
if we'll accept
345
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,855
a video of her
getting her nipples pierced.
346
00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:53,491
Yeah, look, Jessica,
Steve would love to escort you
347
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:54,926
to the Winter Formal,
348
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:56,995
but I'm looking
and there's nothing available.
349
00:14:56,997 --> 00:15:00,298
You know what, for you,
let me talk to my manager.
350
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:06,004
Oh, my God,
this never happens.
351
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,672
He's making room
for you.
352
00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:10,608
I cannot stress to you
how much this never happens.
353
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:13,077
If you were to expect this
in the future,
354
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,079
you would be insane.
355
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:19,584
You're really going to enjoy
our Steve Silver Package.
356
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,252
It's a drop-off,
a picture,
357
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,788
and I'll talk to your dad
about model airplanes.
358
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:26,057
Oh, Steve,
you're so nice.
359
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:29,427
It's -- It's making me
so horny for Trevor.
360
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,596
Oh, you're one
of Trevor's girls.
361
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:34,966
Yeah, he's been hitting it
pretty hard since his divorce.
362
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:38,403
We're gathered here today
to honor a man,
363
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:40,038
Wallace Davenport.
364
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,440
I think you actually
got me out of this.
Actually?
365
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,442
What -- What the hell
is your problem, man?
366
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:48,212
Beloved husband,
devoted father, and...
367
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:50,581
(crying)
368
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:52,750
Oh, I just can't do it!
369
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:55,787
How dare you cry
for this man?
370
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:58,289
He didn't bring a gift
to Evil Santa!
371
00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,324
(all gasp)
372
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:01,259
I'm not sure if there is a hell,
373
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,761
but if there is one,
Davenport's there,
374
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:06,464
wrapping an empty box
in his own flayed skin
375
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,598
for all eternity!
376
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,167
But he brought
a poker set.
377
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:11,469
Shh! You're --
You're delirious with grief.
378
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,504
That was me.
I brought the poker set.
379
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,506
-He was a coward!
-He was a traitor!
380
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,342
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
people, please.
381
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,743
Can't we just bury the man
382
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,678
and all the issues
surrounding him?
383
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,348
You'll never see
a dime of his pension.
384
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,516
But we'll lose
everything.
385
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:27,251
This has gone too far.
386
00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:29,988
Stan, can't you see
no one's getting hurt here?
387
00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:33,691
I declare
prima nocta!
388
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:38,496
(crying)
389
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,331
We're never
gonna make it
390
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,800
with Bullock
taking the pension away.
391
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,769
Katie's medication
alone...
392
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:46,137
(coughs)
393
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,272
And Katie's --
Katie's absolutely essential?
394
00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:50,108
You know what,
forget it.
395
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,909
I guarantee
you'll have that pension.
396
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:56,280
Roger, I just promised
the C.I.A.
397
00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:58,483
would pay
Davenport's pension.
398
00:16:58,485 --> 00:16:59,817
Oh, bad lie, Stan.
399
00:16:59,819 --> 00:17:01,285
Not a Roger-sanctioned lie.
400
00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:02,353
But it is a lie,
401
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,155
so don't be too hard
on yourself.
402
00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:06,324
-How am I gonna pay her?
-It's simple.
403
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:09,193
You get a night job to support
your new secret family.
404
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:10,361
I know a great place.
405
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:11,729
Ace Crouton!
406
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,631
You were supposed to find
my missing kid!
407
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,199
And I'm looking
for him.
408
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:16,234
Her.
409
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:17,835
Oh, a clue!
410
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,238
¶¶
411
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,406
(camera clicks)
412
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:22,807
Great.
413
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:24,976
Now go on and get felt up
by a delinquent.
414
00:17:24,978 --> 00:17:26,177
He's not coming.
415
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:28,312
He just texted me.
He's sick.
416
00:17:28,314 --> 00:17:30,882
(coughs)
Tony's sick, too.
417
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,217
Wyatt's dead.
(sneezes)
418
00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:36,320
Steve, do you have
that hanky on you?
419
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:39,991
No. Unfortunately I don't,
tonight of all nights.
420
00:17:39,993 --> 00:17:43,027
Center for Disease Control!
Nobody move!
421
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:44,228
(device beeps)
422
00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,663
-(screaming)
-What's going on?!
423
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:48,533
(device beeping rapidly)
424
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:49,901
Right here.
Hot zone.
425
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:53,104
Aah! I confess!
426
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,706
I'm a good boy
for hire!
427
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:56,874
(device pings)
428
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:58,176
Sir, he's telling
the truth.
429
00:17:58,178 --> 00:17:59,577
Who cares?
430
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,412
There's been an outbreak
of conquistador measles,
431
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,781
and levels are off the chart
around this kid.
432
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,917
(device buzzes)
433
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:08,019
Mother of God.
434
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:13,791
Wait, why didn't
I get sick?
435
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:17,228
Conquistador measles doesn't
infect the sexually immature.
436
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:20,431
Pfft. A class-5 virus
going after a dweeb like you?
437
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,966
Please.
438
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,768
But it could still like me
as a friend, right?
439
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,403
And maybe one day,
440
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,939
it could grow into something
more than friendship?
441
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,913
(cellphone vibrates)
442
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,382
Stan, are you
working late again?
443
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:41,385
I need you here to explain
Kimmel's jokes.
444
00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:44,956
You know how the C.I.A.
is this time of year with...
445
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:47,258
Toyota days
around the corner?
446
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,960
Got to go,
big mission.
447
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,761
Stan,
no personal calls!
448
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:53,664
Last warning if you want
to keep getting paid.
449
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,633
Wait, this is all?
450
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,435
Any chance
I could get an advance
451
00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:59,003
on my next
10 year's salary?
452
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:00,605
What do I look like,
a bank?
453
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:03,975
No. Not really.
454
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:10,481
One bank,
then the widow's good for life.
455
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,683
Two banks.
456
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,652
My body's full of money.
457
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,888
(banjo playing)
458
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,736
(banjo slows, distorts)
459
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:42,180
Stan?
What are you doing here?
460
00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:44,782
Roger?
You -- you sell sperm, too?
461
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:47,185
Sell?
462
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:48,486
Hey, you look like me.
463
00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:50,354
This is crazy.
I got to get a pic.
464
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:51,622
(camera clicks)
465
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,057
Twinsies!
466
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:57,061
God, look at me.
Look at what I've become.
467
00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:59,063
Lying has turned me
468
00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:01,832
into a horrible,
grotesque monster.
469
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,134
(gasps)
470
00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:04,702
Well, you're not
having any trouble
471
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,737
with brutal honesty
right now!
472
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,873
I'm just not built
to be a liar.
473
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,875
No, you're built
to be a jerk!
474
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,210
(crying)
475
00:20:12,212 --> 00:20:13,945
Double my order!
476
00:20:16,482 --> 00:20:20,384
So, you didn't bring a gift,
led a fraudulent investigation,
477
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:23,321
had me desecrate
a fellow agent's funeral,
478
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:24,889
then sold your plasma
and semen
479
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,691
until you were
at the brink of death?
480
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:27,725
That's the gist.
481
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,060
(sighs)
482
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:31,062
I think the lesson
is obvious, Smith.
483
00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:32,330
It is.
484
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:34,098
I'm a better man
when I'm honest.
485
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,767
Also, you never really
escape a lie.
486
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:38,936
Even if you get away
with it.
487
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,504
Geez!
488
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:44,208
The lesson is to bring
a bloody gift to Evil Santa.
489
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:47,845
A mistake I'm sure
you didn't make this year.
490
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:49,880
¶¶
491
00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:52,416
Uh...
492
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:53,751
Get it?
493
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,920
This bozo's right back
where he started.
494
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:58,089
Merry Christmas
from our family to yours!
495
00:20:58,091 --> 00:21:00,524
Wait a minute,
is this our Christmas episode?
496
00:21:00,526 --> 00:21:02,126
What month is this?
497
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,095
Bye-bye!
See you soon!
498
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:07,999
-- Captions by VITAC --