1
00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:02,701
(cellphone rings)
2
00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:04,336
Hello?
Hey, babe.
3
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:05,604
How's the dog-walking gig
going?
4
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,039
Oh, great, babe.
5
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:09,942
I got Muffin here
and Delores, Clancy, Gizmo,
6
00:00:09,944 --> 00:00:11,977
and, of course, Cody.
7
00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:13,645
(chuckles)
Little guy.
8
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:15,147
Jeff,
it's your first day,
9
00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:16,982
and you remembered
every dog's name?
10
00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,784
Oh, I don't know
if that's their real names.
11
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,285
It's just what
I've been calling them.
12
00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:22,321
Wow, Jeff,
you're really getting good
13
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,356
at making up names.
14
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,660
Um, Jeff,
I think someone might be here.
15
00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:30,963
Oh, my God.
I totally forgot.
16
00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:32,631
It's happening!
17
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,500
Jeff, listen carefully.
18
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:36,735
I'm going to get taken.
19
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:39,872
He's here.
20
00:00:39,874 --> 00:00:41,573
I don't think he sees --
21
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,075
(screaming)
22
00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:45,044
There you are, Hayley.
23
00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:47,379
Fooled again
by my decoy legs.
24
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,515
Let's go.
It's President's Day!
25
00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:51,917
(groans)
Thanks, boys.
26
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,819
The rest of the day's
yours.
27
00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:58,557
(patriotic music plays)
28
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:01,026
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
29
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:04,997
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
30
00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:08,033
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
31
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:12,404
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
32
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:17,576
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
33
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,878
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
34
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,180
Aah!
35
00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:25,851
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
36
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:30,422
In just 5 1/2 hours,
37
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,058
we'll be at the historic home
of our 20th president,
38
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:34,860
James Garfield.
39
00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,295
Before you ask,
James Garfield
40
00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:38,764
is in no way related
to Garfield the Cat.
41
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,265
I know.
I'm as surprised as you are.
42
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:43,902
But, Dad, I was gonna go see
"Step Up 6" today.
43
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,904
Ironically, of course.
44
00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:48,574
Although I do love the dancing
and the characters.
45
00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:51,043
But it's so lame.
46
00:01:51,045 --> 00:01:52,811
The stories are pretty awesome,
too.
47
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:55,214
Well, history's full
of awesome stories.
48
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:56,582
That's why every
President's Day,
49
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,317
we visit
a presidential museum.
50
00:01:58,319 --> 00:02:00,886
You've always loved it.
You make me go.
51
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:02,888
You used to
put me on a leash.
52
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:06,692
¶¶
53
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:28,947
Hayley, as a husband
and father,
54
00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:31,683
there are only a few things more
important to me than family.
55
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:35,187
The first is American history,
followed by God, bald eagles,
56
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:36,455
and all sports.
57
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:38,524
Go Bazooka Sharks!
'Zooka Sharks!
58
00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:40,359
You need to know history,
59
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,327
especially now that you're old
enough to vote for president.
60
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,763
(tires screech)
61
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,932
Oh, my God, you're gonna choose
the president!
62
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:48,700
Listen carefully,
Hayley.
63
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:50,502
I'll tell you who I'm voting for
so you can vote for him, too.
64
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,905
Don't you mean her?
(hisses)
65
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,210
(school bell rings)
66
00:02:58,212 --> 00:02:59,678
Kids, you're all here
for one reason.
67
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,680
You signed up
for the school newspaper
68
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,782
so you wouldn't have to
do a sport this semester.
69
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,450
I got hurt last time.
70
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:08,453
Well, you ran your fastest,
and you fell down.
71
00:03:08,455 --> 00:03:10,622
That would hurt anybody.
72
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:13,058
Here are your assignments.
O'Brien, debate team.
73
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:16,195
Westbrook, student council.
Smith, football practice.
74
00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:19,231
Uh, sir, I was actually hoping
to cover the cheerleaders.
75
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:22,134
I heard whoever reports on
the cheerleaders gets their pick
76
00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:23,669
of the bottom row
of the pyramid.
77
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,070
It's true, Smith.
78
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:26,572
The cheerleader beat guarantees
79
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:29,575
dating a thick
bottom-row beauty.
80
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,677
But there's no way
I'm assigning a rookie
81
00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,145
to report on the cheerleaders.
82
00:03:33,147 --> 00:03:34,880
But I don't know anything
about football.
83
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,448
Just write what you see.
84
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:40,752
(whispering)
So, you're a reporter now.
85
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,688
Roger?
Don't call me Roger.
86
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:45,257
Call me Deep Throat.
What are you doing?
87
00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:47,693
Every reporter needs
a Deep Throat, sonny.
88
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,027
And I know things.
89
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:51,029
I've seen things
around this school.
90
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:54,666
I have a story for you
that'll turn you into a legend.
91
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:57,002
I don't need
a Deep Throat, Roger.
92
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,638
I bought the jacket, Steve.
I'm doing this.
93
00:04:02,176 --> 00:04:03,675
In this room,
we have many
94
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:06,278
of President Garfield's
favorite things,
95
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,081
but before you ask,
we don't have any lasagna.
96
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:12,517
(laughs)
I made a joke like that earlier.
97
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:15,954
Look, Hayley, there's James
Garfield's personal teapot.
98
00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:18,523
And his cooking pot.
And his chamber pot!
99
00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:19,925
It's all one pot!
100
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,960
Isn't that fascinating?
It's gross.
101
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:24,863
That's life
in the 18-sizzles.
102
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:28,367
Now, here's a portrait
of President Garfield.
103
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:31,270
I know what you're thinking.
He's very handsome.
104
00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:32,971
(chuckles)
105
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:34,973
If I weren't already married,
I'd let this fella court me.
106
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:36,275
(laughs)
107
00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:39,077
But I am married.
Happily so.
108
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,646
To a doctor lawyer.
109
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,047
Who's that?
110
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:43,815
That's Charles Guiteau,
the psychopath
111
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,884
who tracked President Garfield
down like a bloodhound
112
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,386
and assassinated him.
113
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,887
Guiteau was so crazy,
114
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:51,623
he kept all his toenail
clippings in a jar.
115
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:54,126
Here, you can have one.
116
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:58,597
This stuff
is gross and boring.
117
00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:01,099
Oh, really?
I want you to look me in the eye
118
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:04,603
and tell me this shoe box
of dusty beard combs is boring.
119
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:05,937
(yawns)
120
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,439
No, no!
No, no!
121
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,274
Don't you dare disrespect
President Garfield
122
00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:11,009
by yawning in his library.
123
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:13,612
(all yawning)
Look what you're doing!
124
00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:16,281
You're patient zero
of this yawn outbreak!
125
00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:18,483
(yawns)
126
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,652
Oh, God!
I'm infected!
127
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,421
I'm going out
on my own terms!
128
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,356
(yawns)
129
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:27,859
I did it.
I hurt myself.
130
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,562
(sighs)
131
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,132
Oh, do you mind
if I eat my lunch here?
132
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:37,135
My husband makes me a
tuna-fish sandwich every day,
133
00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:38,770
and I usually take it out
to my car
134
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,505
since the tuna's
very fragrant.
135
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:43,141
You don't have a husband.
136
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:45,610
(whistle blows)
137
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:49,514
Oh, man, look at Stephanie
over there.
138
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:52,784
I am all about that bass.
139
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,186
Peter's so lucky.
140
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:55,787
No! Focus!
141
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,656
Put all this energy
into your reporting.
142
00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,024
Just write what I see.
143
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,392
Okay.
144
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,127
What do I --
145
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:06,064
(groans)
W-What was that thing?!
146
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:08,567
¶¶
147
00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:12,337
Oh, Hayley, I can't believe
you missed "Step Up 6."
148
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:14,539
It was totes on fleek,
bruh!
149
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,208
At one point,
Jenna was like,
150
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:18,510
"Shawty don't play that way,"
and Brittney was like,
151
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,645
"Youse ain't nothin'
but a skim-toast honey."
152
00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:23,348
Really?
I'm so bummed I missed it.
153
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:26,084
Ugh, I wasted the whole day
at the Garfield museum.
154
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:27,486
I got a hat.
155
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:29,988
Hayley, I know you think
history is boring,
156
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,824
but I found someone
I bet can change your mind.
157
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:35,327
James Garfield!
158
00:06:35,329 --> 00:06:37,496
Greetings.
159
00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:40,098
Take a load off, Garfy.
I'm Klaus.
160
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,567
I'm a bit of a favorite
around here.
161
00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,174
So, who's this?
162
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:52,077
I am
James Abram Garfield,
163
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,746
20th President
and Commander in Chief
164
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,082
of the 38 United States.
165
00:06:57,084 --> 00:07:00,051
Oh.
Are you one of Stan's friends?
166
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:02,621
Do you really expect us to
believe that's James Garfield?
167
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,389
Well, yes.
168
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:07,259
I took President Garfield's
beard comb from the museum,
169
00:07:07,261 --> 00:07:09,294
extracted DNA
from one of the hairs,
170
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:11,396
then used the new C.I.A.
re-genesis lab
171
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:14,933
to "Jurassic Park" him
back to life.
172
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,936
But "Jurassic Park" wasn't real.
It was a movie.
173
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:22,073
Sounds like somebody's been
to Trinidad but not Tobego.
174
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:24,309
W-Why would you do this?
175
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:26,378
Because you need to
learn about history.
176
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:27,646
And who's a better teacher
177
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,648
than someone
who is living history?
178
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,483
How did you get
the old-fashioned clothes?
179
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:34,252
Easy. I dug up his grave
and put him in his funeral suit.
180
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,154
What?!
(chuckling)
I'm kidding, Hayley.
181
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,489
I had Garfield do it.
182
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:41,293
There were thousands
of worms in me!
183
00:07:41,295 --> 00:07:43,795
(jazz music plays)
184
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:49,634
"At the snap, Jones busted
through the tight end,
185
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,470
squirting into the backfield
186
00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:55,340
and wrapping up the muscular
quarterback from behind,
187
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:59,177
pounding him hard
deep into the ground
188
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:01,847
before he could get it off.
189
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:04,249
Another tough sack."
190
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:07,185
Now, that is
how you cover football practice.
191
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,688
I can't wait to see what you do
with your next assignment.
192
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:10,989
Great work, Smith.
193
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,624
I just wrote what I saw.
194
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:14,926
Well, it's the most
sensual piece of writing
195
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,495
I've ever come across.
196
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:20,599
And I've come across a lot
of sensual writing.
197
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,434
Eh?
198
00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:25,704
You forget a lot, right,
that you're our principal?
199
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,641
(whispering) Hey there.
Hey, hey.
200
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,209
(loudly) Hey!
201
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,378
(whispering)
You want the scoop?
Not really.
202
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:36,014
You've got a big story
right in front of you, Steve.
203
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:39,050
You just have to figure it out
for yourself.
204
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,454
I'm afraid I can't say any more.
205
00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:45,090
You'll hear from me
when the time is right.
206
00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:49,060
I was supposed to
get on that bus,
207
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:51,062
but there was a lady
with a chicken on there.
208
00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:53,064
What is this, like, Guatemala?
What the hell?
209
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,133
Leave your bird at home, lady.
210
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:57,702
I can't really
hear what you're saying!
211
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,474
Ah,
the United States Treasury.
212
00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:04,809
There is so much history
in this building.
213
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:07,512
Alexander Hamilton established
the national bank here.
214
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:10,649
The song
¶ Money, money, money, money ¶
215
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:11,917
¶ Money ¶
216
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,184
was written here.
217
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,353
Both events
of equal importance.
218
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,422
Are you taking notes,
Hayley?
Yeah, no.
219
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,424
You see why you're here,
President Garfield?
220
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:22,861
Why don't you tell her
about your famous bimetal
monetary system.
221
00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:24,529
It was one
of your great passions.
222
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,765
Only after women
and billiards.
223
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,433
(laughs)
224
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,570
There's the kind of half-joke
that inspired the comic strip.
225
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,238
Look!
There's a penny press!
226
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,174
Good heavens!
The pictures are moving!
227
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,542
That's a movie.
228
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:39,344
It's where tweens
go to get fingered.
229
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,713
It's beautiful.
230
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:44,516
Yeah. Wish we could go
to a movie right now.
231
00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:47,052
Well, why don't we go?
Really?
232
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:49,955
I assume it's better than
listening to this muckamuck.
233
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,757
So, as a Mint worker,
you must get chicks.
234
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,593
No.
That's incredible to me.
235
00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:56,127
And you tell them
you're a Mint worker?
236
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,596
Of course.
237
00:09:57,598 --> 00:09:59,464
They must be noticing your face
like I am.
238
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:02,601
Let's sneak away in that
terrifying horseless carriage
239
00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:04,302
we came in.
Let's do it.
240
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:05,637
There's the exit.
241
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:11,710
Dear girl,
you can read?!
242
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:14,212
(hip-hop music playing)
243
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:16,314
BRITTNEY:
Sit down, you skim-toast honey.
244
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,416
You can't hang
with the bang-bang boogies.
245
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,051
Oh, no, you can't,
chicken head!
246
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:21,753
Nice try, chicken head!
247
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:25,624
This...is...incredible!
248
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,659
Oh, orange soda?
Yeah.
249
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:32,297
This magical beverage
is called orange soda?
250
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:35,800
Stop! Stop the devil dancing
and hop-hop music!
251
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,269
My fellow citizens,
252
00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:43,141
I present to you an innovation
of magnificent import!
253
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,311
It is called orange soda!
254
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:49,014
Not since the invention
of the telegraph
255
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:52,584
has this country
encountered such ingenuity.
256
00:10:52,586 --> 00:10:54,953
Is it a fruit,
or is it drink?!
257
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:57,489
It's drink!
No matter the answer,
258
00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:59,024
this artificial orange
259
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:02,661
has bested the orange
provided us by nature.
260
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:05,296
This concoction
I hold in my hand
261
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,265
indicates the exact moment
262
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:10,935
where man has
triumphed over God!
263
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:15,540
I hereby declare today
Orange Soda Day!
264
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:18,576
Nice speech,
chicken head!
265
00:11:19,613 --> 00:11:21,546
That was
really beautiful.
266
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,381
I gave
a very similar speech
267
00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:26,785
when water went
from brown to clear.
268
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:29,087
(sensual music plays)
269
00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:36,394
PRINCIPAL LEWIS:
"The students arrive
with bulging purple veins,
270
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,897
eager for release."
271
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:45,403
"They study the supple curves
of a parabola
272
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:49,474
to find where
the latus rectum is."
273
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:52,043
"During practice,
they touch their counterparts
274
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,079
lightly in the chest
275
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,715
with only the tip."
276
00:11:56,717 --> 00:12:01,486
"The boys pump sweet jelly
into the little triangle,
277
00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:04,923
careful not to overfill
its delicate folds.
278
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:09,227
Now the hamantaschen
is ready for Passover."
279
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:14,065
"Cum laude."
280
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:19,204
Cum real laude.
281
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:22,574
Um...is detention over?
282
00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:24,375
It's been an hour.
283
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,277
Fine, get back to class.
284
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:28,513
But no more pointing out errors
in the textbooks.
285
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:31,783
You'll remember the Alambo,
and you'll like it.
286
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:34,285
¶¶
287
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:35,887
(chuckles)
288
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:37,122
(soda can pops)
Shh.
289
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,857
As long
as we don't wake up my dad,
290
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:41,059
he'll totally forget
we ditched him in the morning.
291
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:42,927
Okay.
I'll lie down,
292
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:45,463
but I don't foresee sleep
in my future.
293
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:48,900
Feels like there's a possum
dancing on my heart.
294
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:51,269
(chuckles)
It's just your body
295
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:54,706
frantically trying
to process 18 orange sodas.
296
00:12:58,311 --> 00:12:59,978
Where have you two been?
297
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,479
Nowhere.
Everywhere!
298
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:04,215
We saw "Step Up 6,"
we drank orange soda,
299
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,451
we rode
a subterranean boxcar!
300
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,219
Shut up...
Mr. President.
301
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:10,088
Dad,
we had a good time.
302
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,790
I saw a Polynesian!
303
00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:14,425
No! No, no, no!
This is unacceptable!
304
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,127
The only reason
I brought you to life
305
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,663
was to teach Hayley history,
but you're useless!
306
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,465
Don't yell at him,
Dad.
307
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,133
I-I don't know how
to get this through your head,
308
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,135
but I don't care
about history.
309
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,770
And in case
you're wondering,
310
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,238
this is the first
President's Day
311
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,973
I have ever enjoyed.
312
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,476
You know, in fact, I would
rather spend any day with him
313
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,945
than with you.
314
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:36,514
As we used to say
in the 1800s,
315
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:39,818
awkward.
316
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:42,320
(sensual music plays)
317
00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:45,323
(students moaning)
318
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:48,293
Circulation is up, and the
Princeton Review just named us
319
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,862
"Horniest school
in the Greater Langley Area."
320
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:53,164
Smith,
the cheerleaders are yours.
321
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,933
Finally!
322
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:56,467
Now, if you'll excuse me,
323
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:58,169
I've been so consumed
with my duties here at the paper
324
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,538
that I've completely forgotten
to feed the janitors.
325
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:05,310
¶¶
326
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:09,113
(all imitating pigs squealing)
327
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,688
Hey, have you
seen Garfield?
328
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:19,724
Oh, your dad's friend?
They went to the C.I.A.
329
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:21,359
Stan said something like
330
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,661
(as Stan) "I'm gonna turn him
back into proteins."
331
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:25,530
What?!
(normal voice) Yeah.
332
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,299
And then he said (as Stan)
"Are you even listening
to me, Francine?
333
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:32,303
I'm worried about us. I feel
like we've been drifting apart."
334
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:34,472
(laughs)
335
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:36,674
(normal voice) I'm getting
better at his voice, right?
336
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:39,444
The key
is really listening.
337
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:47,318
Stan,
what is all this about?
338
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,554
Why are you being
such a muckamuck?
339
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,689
If you're not gonna
teach history,
340
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:54,158
you're gonna be history.
341
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,261
May I at least have
one final sip of orange soda?
342
00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:58,529
Fine.
343
00:14:58,531 --> 00:14:59,831
Aah!
344
00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:01,065
(laughs)
345
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,701
I shook them in the car
earlier!
346
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:06,304
(laughs)
347
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,407
That was from
an hour ago.
348
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,376
Didn't even stop
when I yelled, "Stop."
349
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:13,444
It's like when I'm trying
to watch Fallon
350
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:15,513
and my wife
won't stop banging me.
351
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,715
Garfield doesn't deserve
to be killed.
352
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:19,450
God,
we were just having fun.
353
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,252
I need to find him
before my dad does.
354
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,888
Good luck tracking that guy
down. He's clever.
355
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,556
He threw up a ton
of orange stuff
356
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:27,892
and then slipped right
out of his straight jacket.
357
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:31,629
There was someone
who tracked Garfield down.
358
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,031
Like a bloodhound.
359
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:35,166
And I have his toenail!
360
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:42,707
Has anyone seen a man
with a beard?
361
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:43,975
Whoa.
362
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:46,577
It's cool
to have a beard now.
363
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:47,912
God, where could he be?
364
00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:50,448
BARISTA: I got
an orange chai latte here.
365
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,716
Orange.
366
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,318
Wait a minute,
everyone shut up!
367
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:54,752
Orange.
368
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:57,422
Orange you glad
I didn't say banana?
369
00:15:57,424 --> 00:16:00,158
(gasps)
He's at the banana soda factory!
370
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,893
That closed years ago.
371
00:16:01,895 --> 00:16:03,261
That's right.
372
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,063
Okay,
now I need complete silence,
373
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:06,898
and I'm not kidding
anymore.
374
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,069
You have an idea, don't you?
It's okay, just say it.
375
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,904
Orange soda fac--
Orange soda factory!
376
00:16:12,906 --> 00:16:14,539
Shut up!
I did it.
377
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:19,344
(panting)
378
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:22,680
Okay, Mr. Guiteau. I know
you're a presidential assassin,
379
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,649
and from what I read
on Murderpedia,
380
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,351
you're probably
legally insane.
381
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:29,687
I've not seen such bright lights
since I came out the cervix!
382
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:32,290
But I really need you
to help me find my friend --
383
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:33,591
James Garfield.
384
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:34,859
Garfield?
385
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,361
He must see
the devil's eye!
386
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,529
(sniffing)
387
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:39,964
(grunting)
388
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:42,467
(school bell rings)
389
00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:45,269
All right, you horn dogs.
Gather round.
390
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:47,305
And let's hear
what the Shakespeare
391
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,307
of soft-core student journalism
392
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:52,110
has to say
about the cheerleaders.
393
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,712
All right, all right,
all right! Yeah!
394
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,681
"The cheerleading squad
took their talents
395
00:16:56,683 --> 00:17:00,218
to the South Lakes Invitational
on Friday night.
396
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,286
They arrived in their warm-ups,
397
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:04,689
although they already
looked pretty hot."
398
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:07,158
Clean up
on aisle my stomach!
399
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,727
"As they peeled off
their sweatpants,
400
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:11,195
the tournament happened,
401
00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:13,031
and it's my understanding
they came in third."
402
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,199
What?!
That's not sexy.
403
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:16,968
This thing isn't even al dente.
404
00:17:16,970 --> 00:17:18,336
I don't know
what happened!
405
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:20,872
I saw one high leg kick,
and I passed out!
406
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,874
Boo!
Smith's a tease!
407
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,443
(students booing)
408
00:17:27,881 --> 00:17:29,213
(whispering) Steve.
409
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,650
Did you paint a shadow
on your face?
410
00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:34,719
(normal voice) I was
dressed up in blackface earlier.
411
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,654
You're not the only one
with stuff going on.
412
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,890
Looks like you finally
figured out the story.
413
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:41,159
No, I didn't.
I have no idea what's happening.
414
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,261
You were the story, Steve.
415
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:45,930
You used all your pent-up
sexual frustration
416
00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:47,932
to turn out
the most elegant pornography
417
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:49,734
this school has ever seen.
418
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,669
But when you finally
saw a little skin,
419
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,438
it was too much for you,
and you experienced
420
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:57,075
what medical experts
refer to as an "ejacu-faint."
421
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:59,911
That's when 100% of your blood
is in your wiener.
422
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:01,245
You're lucky to be alive,
Steve.
423
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:03,114
And that's the real headline.
Nope.
424
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:05,450
The real headline
is you're fired.
425
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,218
Looks like you're the second
worst reporter out there
426
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,953
named Stephen A. Smith.
427
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:20,598
(gulping) Ahh.
428
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,034
Garfield!
I'm taking you back to the lab.
429
00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:25,269
Are you off your chump,
sir?
430
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:28,606
I just tapped this 20-ton
cylinder of orange soda.
431
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,741
(panting) My president!
Aah!
432
00:18:30,743 --> 00:18:34,078
I must give you
an eternal earth bath!
433
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,247
Hayley, what are you doing here?
Let go of that man.
434
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:38,216
But, Dad,
it's Charles Guiteau.
435
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,151
If I let him go,
he'll kill Garfield.
436
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:42,320
You remembered
Charles Guiteau?
437
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,388
I guess I did learn something
about history.
438
00:18:44,390 --> 00:18:46,891
I'm taking you
to the lordy!
439
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,993
Aah!
(laughs evilly)
440
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:50,394
(neck cracks)
441
00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:52,497
Aah!
Hayley, no!
442
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:55,066
(dramatic music plays)
443
00:19:32,105 --> 00:19:35,873
(music continues)
444
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:43,514
¶ So I put my hands up ¶
445
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,149
¶ They're playin' my song ¶
446
00:19:45,151 --> 00:19:47,852
¶ The butterflies
fly away ¶
447
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,688
¶ I'm noddin' my head
like yeah ¶
448
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,790
Baby girl!
You're okay!
449
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:54,525
I think my arm
is broken in sev--
450
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,227
(gasps)
I was wrong.
451
00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:58,629
These President's Day trips
were never about history.
452
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,398
They were about spending time
with you,
453
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,300
driving all over the map.
454
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:05,636
I'm embarrassed to say this,
but I care more about you
455
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:08,973
than the presidents.
456
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:11,542
So, any chance
we can let Garfield live?
457
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,145
Why not? Besides, at the rate
he's drinking orange soda,
458
00:20:14,147 --> 00:20:15,646
he'll be dead in a month.
459
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:18,082
(Miley Cyrus'
"Party in the U.S.A." plays)
460
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,920
¶ So I put my hands up,
they're playin' my song ¶
461
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:25,556
¶ The butterflies fly away ¶
462
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,525
¶ I'm noddin' my head
like yeah ¶
(laughs)
463
00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:30,228
¶ Movin' my hips like yeah ¶
It's so fizzy!
464
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:31,562
¶ I put my hands up ¶
465
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:35,733
"Step Up 6" just came out,
466
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,435
and there's already
a "Step Up 7."
467
00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:39,170
Isn't that great?
Do I need to know anything
468
00:20:39,172 --> 00:20:40,871
from the first six
to get what's happening?
469
00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:43,207
GIRL:
Oh, you turnt it up, young swag.
470
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:45,042
You got to mupload that ish.
471
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,711
Well,
I think I'm caught up.
472
00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:49,447
Did you hear that old man
talkin' 'bout bein' on fleek?
473
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:50,881
That's so last year.
474
00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:52,917
Get with the times, muckamuck.
475
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:56,687
(electronic music plays)
476
00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:04,161
Bye! Have a beautiful time!