1 00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,036 ("Lovely Day" plays) 2 00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:07,106 ¶¶ 3 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,369 Stan! 4 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,639 You got to clean this goddamn patio! 5 00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:44,843 ¶ A lovely day ¶ 6 00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:47,012 Stan, I need you to sign this permission slip 7 00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,814 for a school trip. Well, I'm a little busy 8 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,849 getting 20 years of crap off the patio. 9 00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:53,152 Is Brett Ratner's career on the patio? 10 00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:54,753 Oh-ho-ho! Burn! 11 00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,855 Tell you what -- You sign my permission slip, 12 00:00:56,857 --> 00:00:58,891 and I'll loan you my power washer. 13 00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,859 You think it's strong enough to do the job? 14 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:03,362 Let's just say the Statue of Liberty 15 00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:05,064 uses it to shower... 16 00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:07,199 which she doesn't do often, 'cause she's French. 17 00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:09,034 B-B-B-B-Burn! 18 00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:10,436 You know that's paint thinner. 19 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,238 Yeah, nice try. I'm not going anywhere. 20 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:20,079 I souped it up with a little alien tech. 21 00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:22,214 By alien, I mean Detroit. 22 00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:24,249 Let's turn this country around. 23 00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:26,752 Let's make things again. 24 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,420 (engine starts) 25 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,456 (rumbling) Whoa! 26 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,758 Whoa! Roger! 27 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,726 (screaming) 28 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,129 Nice, huh? No, shut it off! 29 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:43,135 (engine shuts off) Damn it, Roger! 30 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,971 Not used to holding a tool with that kind of power, Stan? 31 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,306 (laughs) I'm kidding. 32 00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:48,640 I've seen yours while you were sleeping. 33 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:49,908 It's great. 34 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,577 Oh... Oh... 35 00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:52,811 ...my... ...my... 36 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,313 ...God. ...God. 37 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:56,915 Jinx! Now you can't talk till I say your name, Stan. 38 00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,383 Ah, damn it! 39 00:01:58,385 --> 00:02:01,086 ¶¶ 40 00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,589 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 41 00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:07,426 ¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶ 42 00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:10,629 ¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶ 43 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:14,867 ¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶ 44 00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:20,139 ¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶ 45 00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:22,341 ¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 46 00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:23,675 Aah! 47 00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:28,347 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 48 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,849 ¶¶ 49 00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:32,584 What the hell is that? 50 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:33,852 What's going on?! 51 00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:36,088 You burning some punk-ass fools? 52 00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:38,824 Do Hayley next. The yard! 53 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,459 (stammering) 54 00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,794 Stan was cleaning the patio with my power washer, 55 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,463 and it kind of got away from him. 56 00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:46,832 Because it has a Trans Am engine strapped to it. 57 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,267 You used to be stronger. 58 00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:49,835 But, look. Stan struck something. 59 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,370 White, dusty oil? 60 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:52,437 Lawn dandruff? 61 00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,006 A third ridiculous guess? 62 00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:57,109 I think I know what this is. 63 00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,649 Yep, that's salt. 64 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,117 It's a salt deposit. 65 00:03:05,119 --> 00:03:06,618 Oh, my God! 66 00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,220 Did you guys think it was cocaine? 67 00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:10,856 Cocaine doesn't grow underground, dumb-asses. 68 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:13,225 You got to make that shit, with blood and sweat. 69 00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:14,826 And a little bit of salt. 70 00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:17,129 You got to cut it with salt to hit your margins. 71 00:03:17,131 --> 00:03:19,631 So I guess we have 1% of cocaine here. 72 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,400 And a big mess to clean up. 73 00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:22,968 This isn't a mess. 74 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,636 This could be our future. 75 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:27,206 Is salt valuable? 76 00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:30,576 I don't know. 77 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:35,747 ¶¶ 78 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,316 No way. 79 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,551 Wendy Williams could totally beat up Connie Chung. 80 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,386 Sure, sure, but, I mean, no one was talking 81 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,222 about either of those people before you said that. 82 00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:45,824 (door closes) I spoke to the Gordon Salt people, 83 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:48,227 and they said we might have a valuable resource in our yard. 84 00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:51,163 And if we do, they'd like to pay us for the right to take it. 85 00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:52,698 You mean mine it, like minerals? 86 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:55,167 Ha. If you want to talk like a ground scientist. 87 00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,501 A geologist? What? 88 00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:57,903 Wait, honey. 89 00:03:57,905 --> 00:04:01,240 You want a functioning salt mine in our backyard? 90 00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:03,775 Well, I sure as heck don't want a non-functioning one. 91 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,744 Stan, it's our yard. 92 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,045 Our sanctuary. 93 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,280 Our happy place. 94 00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,948 We used to have treasure hunts 95 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:12,451 where you'd write clues for me and hide them around the yard. 96 00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:13,952 I know we're a family, 97 00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,587 so we usually pretend everyone gets a vote. 98 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:18,190 But, come on, guys. It's me. 99 00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:19,925 I'm gonna do what I want. (doorbell rings) 100 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,194 And I want to see who that is. 101 00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,964 Mr. Smith, we're with Gordon Salt. 102 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,733 Wow. You got here quick. 103 00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:32,337 There was a police chase on 95, so we just drafted off that. 104 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,779 Good news, Mr. Smith -- 105 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,749 A big shaft here would tap into a significant vein of salt. 106 00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:45,117 Hear that? 107 00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:47,452 I'm gonna have a big veiny shaft. 108 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,721 Are they salt executives or genies? 109 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,556 (laughing) Oh! 110 00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:53,725 KLAUS: Did I miss a burn? 111 00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:55,160 Please, excuse my family. 112 00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:56,628 They have some concerns 113 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,497 about what exactly is going to happen here. 114 00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:01,266 (chuckles) Let me put you folks at ease. 115 00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:04,236 Mr. Smith here will sign his mineral rights over to us, 116 00:05:04,238 --> 00:05:06,405 and we'll give him a big check. 117 00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:08,507 Then we'll tear up your yard, take all the salt out, 118 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,175 and fill in the hole when we're done... 119 00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:11,443 if there's time... 120 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:12,944 which there won't be. 121 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:15,681 As long as there's time to write that big check. 122 00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,516 Mom, why are you switching sides? 123 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:20,952 Because now there's a side that has a big check on it. 124 00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:24,756 And just to be clear, you mean a physically huge check? 125 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,992 I've always wanted to hold one of those. 126 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,194 Feel like I won a golf tournament 127 00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:32,464 or I'm a landlord and one of my tenants is a giant. 128 00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:34,533 If you're looking to buy our mineral rights, 129 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:39,338 you best be talking to me -- Steve, the legal owner. 130 00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:41,940 (all gasp) I also have big news. 131 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:44,776 One of these guys stepped in dog turd on the way in. 132 00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:48,447 There's size-9 poo spots all over the house. 133 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:53,852 ¶¶ 134 00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,721 Here's where I keep all my important documents -- 135 00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:57,522 Big Wheel warranty, 136 00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:01,059 construction schematics for my Lego Millennium Falcon, 137 00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:03,195 Barry's do-not-resuscitate order. 138 00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,197 Ah! This! 139 00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:08,233 Um, can you get your shoes off my duvet, please? 140 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:12,404 This is a contract, signed eight years ago, 141 00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:15,640 transferring all mineral rights on our property from Dad to me. 142 00:06:15,642 --> 00:06:17,209 How is that possible? 143 00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:19,411 Oh. I can explain. 144 00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:21,346 Uh-Uh! You think I brought you to my room 145 00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,248 so you could do the talking? 146 00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:25,917 "Your scavenger hunt has come to an end. 147 00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,553 Your very last clue is on the ladder, my schmend." 148 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,021 "Schmend"? 149 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:32,190 Wouldn't "friend" have been the perfect rhyme? 150 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:34,726 You have a lot to learn about schmendship. 151 00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:39,197 (laughing) Ooh! Treasure! 152 00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:40,732 No, Steve, those aren't the treasure. 153 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,434 They're just the clue holder-downers. 154 00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:43,568 But they're so shiny. 155 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:44,936 So is Hayley's forehead, 156 00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,304 but you wouldn't call that a treasure. 157 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:51,710 (sighing) Oh. 158 00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:54,045 "Down the slide and in the ground, 159 00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:56,815 your special treasure you'll have found." 160 00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,284 Ha ha! 161 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,588 Treasure! 162 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,756 No, that's just more rocks. 163 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:05,924 Oh, for God's sake. 164 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,426 That's the treasure. 165 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,197 Baseball cards. 166 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,799 (unenthusiastically) Thanks, Dad. 167 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,500 Well, open 'em. Let's see who you got. 168 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,404 Must be some kind of mistake. 169 00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:20,906 They're all the same card. 170 00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:22,140 No variety. 171 00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,476 Not like the rocks. 172 00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:26,978 Oh, my God! 173 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,581 They're all Ken Griffey Jr. rookie cards. 174 00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,116 They must be worth a fortune. 175 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,052 Francine, what have you always wanted to buy? 176 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,455 FRANCINE: We keep putting off that procedure on my hip. 177 00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:38,390 Right! A fan boat! 178 00:07:38,392 --> 00:07:39,958 Mwah! Um, Dad? 179 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,593 Isn't that my treasure? 180 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:43,261 Technically, yes. 181 00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:46,565 But wouldn't you rather have all the rocks in the whole yard? 182 00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:47,966 That would be awesome! 183 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,668 But how would I get them all out? 184 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,970 You don't have to. 185 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:55,073 You see, Steve, owning land can be different 186 00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:58,009 than owning the minerals inside that land. 187 00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,145 So now you have the mineral rights. 188 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,514 And all I have are these pieces of cardboard. 189 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,416 Sucker! 190 00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:06,318 Okay, you're making me look bad, Steve. 191 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,986 'Cause after you called me a sucker, 192 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,654 I definitely threw you in the pool, 193 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:10,789 'cause I don't take that shit. 194 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,257 Nor should you. 195 00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:14,192 But we're really more concerned with the contract. 196 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:16,495 Please. That can't possibly be legally binding. 197 00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:18,363 I thought you might say that... 198 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,665 which is why I went down to city hall this morning 199 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,200 and got it stamped. 200 00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:24,703 Hmm. Yep, it's official. 201 00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:29,407 And if anyone knows what's "official," it's a fish, y'all! 202 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,717 Look, we're here on business, and you, young man, 203 00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,186 are the person we should be doing business with. 204 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,989 So there's still a big check. 205 00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,557 It's just for Steve... 206 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,826 my favorite boy. 207 00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,194 Our favorite boy. 208 00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,795 Put 'er there, son. 209 00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:52,664 Psych! Whoo! 210 00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:54,799 No deal, mister. 211 00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:57,135 Eight years ago, my dad tried to rip me off. 212 00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,137 Well, now I'm the one who's gonna do the ripping -- 213 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,338 and the tearing. 214 00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:01,806 The ripping and the tearing, 215 00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:04,976 right through his plan to destroy our backyard. 216 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,245 My backyard. My minerals. 217 00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:09,881 Listen, Jeremy, is it? Steve. 218 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,751 I respect the sexual frustration behind your decision. 219 00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:14,419 What?! No, no. That's not why I -- 220 00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:15,687 You're obviously a virgin. 221 00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,088 That has nothing to do with -- 222 00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,590 But here's the thing, Jer-bear -- 223 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:22,661 Gordon always gets its salt. 224 00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,737 He's the virgin. 225 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,039 Not even close! 226 00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,874 I've had sex with lots of girls. 227 00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,442 Name one. 228 00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:44,049 (school bell rings) 229 00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,284 Hi. Hey. 230 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:48,720 What's that? It's a Lego Millennium Falcon -- 231 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:51,623 minus a floor panel, which I'm [Sighs] 232 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,758 praying fell behind my trundle bed. 233 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,860 'Cause without it, Han and Chewie are screwed 234 00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,429 when they need to hide from Imperial troops. 235 00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,763 They'd just be sitting 236 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,600 in a wide-open smuggler's hatch like idiots. 237 00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:04,736 You're fun and interesting. I am?! 238 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:05,870 Want to go out some time? 239 00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:07,138 Um, sure! 240 00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:08,707 I'm Steve. What's your name? 241 00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:09,874 Whatever you want it to be. 242 00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,543 Franci-- Hold on. 243 00:10:11,545 --> 00:10:13,578 This is all going too easily. 244 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,981 Wait. You look familiar. 245 00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:19,985 Yellow raincoat, box of salt leaking on your shoes... 246 00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:21,553 blue umbrella! (gasps) 247 00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:23,221 You're the Gordon Salt Girl! 248 00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:24,723 MAN: And she can be yours. 249 00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:27,125 All you have to do is sign over the mineral rights. 250 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,127 I already told you -- No. 251 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:33,331 Seriously. She'll do anything you want, or... 252 00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,667 I'll do anything you want? 253 00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:37,102 Stop. 254 00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:39,170 You two may be dead inside, but I'm not. 255 00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,640 I'm alive -- with family memories 256 00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:44,409 of barbecues and trying sports 257 00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:46,845 and sweet, lazy Sunday afternoons. 258 00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,246 Mr. Smith! 259 00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:49,681 Sorry. It's just these people are -- 260 00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:52,417 Are you playing with Legos in my class? 261 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,619 I'm doing a build, if that's what you're asking. 262 00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:56,121 It's distracting. 263 00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,523 So are the two adult strangers in your class. 264 00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:00,091 Nice try, Steve. 265 00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:02,260 But us adults stick together. 266 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,665 (somber music plays) 267 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,433 (door closes) Long day. 268 00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:09,701 (sighs) Yeah. 269 00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,369 The Gordon people were all over -- 270 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:12,937 No, I mean I had a long day. 271 00:11:12,939 --> 00:11:14,539 I got hurt on our field trip. 272 00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,808 We went to Mount Vernon, so as you'd expect, 273 00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:19,444 I got my arm busted by a bunch of Hells Angels. 274 00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,346 Sign my cast? Sure. 275 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,847 No, no. Not there, not there. 276 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,349 Right there. 277 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,284 Got to leave room for Zachary and Ella. 278 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:27,986 I'm gonna have them sign next to each other, 279 00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:29,521 'cause then when I break them up, 280 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,356 Ella's gonna cry every time she sees my cast, 281 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,191 and I'm gonna love it, 282 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,794 'cause she was such a bitch to me at the lockers last week. 283 00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:39,197 I know this is all made up. Some of it. 284 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,232 FRANCINE: Roger, leave Steve alone. 285 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:44,903 Thanks, Mom, but I already have a chocolate milk martini. 286 00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,638 This is a real martini. 287 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,506 It's okay. You're a man now. 288 00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,041 A man with mineral rights. 289 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,309 Get drunk! 290 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,078 Then decide what to do with them. 291 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,546 I can't believe it! 292 00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,414 You want me to sell out to the salt people! 293 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,150 No! I want you to get drunk. 294 00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,519 I believe that once you get drunk, 295 00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,054 you'll sell out to the salt people. 296 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,323 But what about our family memories? 297 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:08,593 We'll buy new memories -- with all that salt money. 298 00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:12,263 (door closes) And we don't have to share it with your dad. 299 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,600 In fact, we can give him this poison martini. 300 00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,068 Piss off, Francine. 301 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,670 I've got too much to live for, 302 00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:21,573 knowing I still have my Ken Griffey Jr. rookie cards. 303 00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,041 ROGER: Um, actually, you don't. 304 00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:25,076 I put them in the spokes of my bike last year. 305 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,878 But they were locked away in my safe. 306 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,913 Stan, honey, I hate to break this to you, 307 00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,381 but I am your safe. 308 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:31,950 It's one of my personas. What?! 309 00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:34,018 I'm also the downstairs toilet. 310 00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:35,353 My cards! 311 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,621 Made me feel boss 312 00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,957 when I was riding down the street, flossin'! 313 00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,058 You ruined them. 314 00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:42,193 Those were my cards! Mine! 315 00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:44,529 I hate this place! 316 00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,831 (wheels clicking) 317 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:53,471 So, we've had some difficulty getting your son to play ball. 318 00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,306 That's because he can't play ball very well, 319 00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,875 so he gets self-conscious about it. 320 00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,043 You just need to start playing like it's no big deal, 321 00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:00,278 and eventually, he'll join in. 322 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,780 Charles. (tires screech) 323 00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:04,816 You're a big meanie. 324 00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:07,418 My God, are you the man of your house, or aren't you? 325 00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:10,088 Because a man wouldn't let a boy's contract 326 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,656 stop him from making this deal. 327 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,124 But it's signed. 328 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,459 And stamped. 329 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,895 You heard the fish. (sighing) Oh. 330 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:20,298 I didn't want to come to this. I really didn't. 331 00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:26,004 (thunder crashes) What the hell is that?! 332 00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:28,940 This, Mr. Smith, is the original Gordon Salt Girl, 333 00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,475 preserved by salt... 334 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:33,545 and angered by delays. 335 00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:41,152 (echoing) Get me that salt! 336 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:47,225 STEVE: What are you doing?! 337 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:51,729 I believe the legal term is take-backs. 338 00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:58,336 Destroying a young boy's signed contract -- 339 00:13:58,338 --> 00:13:59,971 truly low, sir. 340 00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:02,607 And exactly the kind of thing I knew you'd do... 341 00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,108 which is why... 342 00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:08,613 I moved the real contract to Snot's for safekeeping. 343 00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,148 Well played, son. 344 00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:12,784 You anticipated my move and had the foresight 345 00:14:12,786 --> 00:14:15,787 to stash the contract at a secure off-site location. 346 00:14:15,789 --> 00:14:18,523 Which begs the question, why did you bring it home? 347 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,124 Well, I went to check on it, 348 00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:21,993 and contrary to what I'd been assured, 349 00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,662 Snot did not have a proper file cabinet. 350 00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:26,297 Where was it? Like, on his desk or something? 351 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:28,299 Yeah, with -- Other crap all over the place. 352 00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:30,068 Yes. And it's not like something 353 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,736 was for sure going to happen to it. 354 00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,404 It's just -- There's a right way to do things. 355 00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,039 Exactly. Totally get it. 356 00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,209 (grunts) 357 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,744 Hey, Steve, did you know 358 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,046 there's a Lego piece behind your dresser? 359 00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,882 Looks like the door to a smuggler's hatch. 360 00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:45,550 All right, Dad! 361 00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:48,987 As soon as this salt war is over, I'll thank you properly! 362 00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,959 (screaming) 363 00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,597 Dad's trying to destroy the contract 364 00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:01,199 so he can sell out to Gordon. 365 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:03,034 Uh-huh. You got to help me. 366 00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:04,936 Do I? Of course you do. 367 00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,871 You don't want a salt mine in our yard. 368 00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:09,407 What about our memories and the environment? 369 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,910 Hmm. I do love those things. 370 00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:15,213 I also love the idea that if there's a salt mine in the yard, 371 00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:18,549 I can protest it without getting out of bed. Hayley, no! 372 00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:21,286 Basically, this is the lazy protester's dream. 373 00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:24,455 So, why don't you just give me the contract? 374 00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:25,924 (groans) 375 00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,692 (grunting) 376 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:32,463 Ugh. Are you gonna make me get out of bed? 377 00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:40,271 (sighs) 378 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,610 Aah! 379 00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,946 Mama? Wh-- What's with the nails? 380 00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,280 They're white... 381 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,882 like salt, Steve. 382 00:15:50,884 --> 00:15:53,885 I came up with it when I realized salt 383 00:15:53,887 --> 00:15:56,788 is the only white thing in the world! 384 00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,990 Mom, that's not even close to true. 385 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:01,492 Let's you and me make it true! 386 00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:04,095 STAN: Nowhere to run, son. 387 00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:05,563 Or walk. 388 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,399 I think we can all do this with just walking. 389 00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:12,837 Come on, Steve. Let's go, Steve. 390 00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,105 Give it up, Steve. 391 00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:16,140 What am I doing? 392 00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:18,476 Why am I fighting for our family memories 393 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,445 if my family won't fight with me? 394 00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:22,947 I'm with you, Steve! 395 00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:24,983 I'm totally alone in this. 396 00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:30,288 You know what? You guys win. 397 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:34,125 If our memories are meaningless, then so is this piece of paper. 398 00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:35,727 I renounce it. 399 00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:42,000 "Down the slide and in the ground, 400 00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:44,836 your special treasure you'll have found." 401 00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,704 I remember that slide. 402 00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,439 When I climbed to the top of it, 403 00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,708 it felt like I was climbing into the sky. 404 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:53,177 You had a big scary slide like this, too? 405 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:56,047 Not your slide, Steve. My slide. 406 00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:59,183 My dad wrote these clues for me when I was a kid. 407 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,886 He'd hide them all over the yard, and I'd look for them. 408 00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:04,822 And when I was done, I'd wake him up, if I could find him. 409 00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:07,392 Wait, you just recycled your dad's game? 410 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,727 I haven't thought about that in years. 411 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:12,296 What a great memory. Not for me. 412 00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:14,866 It means all my treasure hunts were just hand-me-downs. 413 00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,467 From my awesome father. 414 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,403 What?! He abandoned you! 415 00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:19,804 That man's a sociopath! 416 00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:21,806 Quiet, Steve. I'm getting an idea. 417 00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,174 Is it that family memories 418 00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:24,675 are precious and should be protected? 419 00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:25,910 Uh, duh! 420 00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,545 But, also -- try to follow me -- 421 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,748 maybe we shouldn't let the Gordon people mine our yard. 422 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:32,483 I've been saying that for a week! 423 00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,886 Hope on the bandwagon, Steve. There's plenty of room. 424 00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,354 Now, I'm gonna call them and -- 425 00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:37,655 (rumbling) 426 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:42,693 Wait! We've changed our minds! 427 00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,362 This isn't just a patch of dirt. 428 00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:46,264 It's a canvas on which we've painted 429 00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,599 some of the most wonderful moments of our lives. 430 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,334 That's beautiful, Mr. Smith. 431 00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:53,071 I believe that I could never buy the mineral rights 432 00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:54,872 from you or your son. 433 00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:55,873 Great. 434 00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,008 So... 435 00:17:57,010 --> 00:17:58,443 about my fence? 436 00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:01,712 Which is why I bought them from their actual owner. 437 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:04,182 ANNOUNCER: Actual owner?! Whoa! 438 00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:06,884 Who will it be, "American Dad!" fans? 439 00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:09,020 Steve's teacher? Ken Griffey Jr.? 440 00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:10,621 The Gordon exec who hasn't spoken yet? 441 00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,223 Is it Snot, Barry, or Toshi, 442 00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:14,125 who've all been conspicuously absent? 443 00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:15,560 Is it me, the announcer?! 444 00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:17,395 Oh, I look like Dracula, by the way. 445 00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:18,896 Is it Principal Lewis? 446 00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:20,932 Is it Francine's sexy sister, Gwen? 447 00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:23,901 Is it Diane from an upcoming episode about slot cars? 448 00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:26,637 Suckboy Tony? James Garfield? Robert Wuhl? 449 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:29,474 Tuttle, Buckle, Jackson, Duper, Hooper, Dick, or Bullock? 450 00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:32,276 Styles, Billy, Jack, Meredith, Tom from the grocery store? 451 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,446 That sweet little boy from "The Cleveland Show," Rallo? 452 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,614 It's me! 453 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,382 You're probably realizing now, Stan, 454 00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:41,385 that permission slip you signed was a mineral-rights lease. 455 00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:43,754 But when it turned out Steve was the real owner, 456 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:47,091 I broke my arm and plastered another lease around my cast. 457 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,961 Sorry, kid, but you were throwing away one hell of a score. 458 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:51,696 All right, people! Let's dig! 459 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,970 What? What?! There's no vein?! 460 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:02,173 We paid all that money for just one scoop?! 461 00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:03,474 Sir, there's been a report 462 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,143 of a gusher in Madison, Wisconsin. 463 00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:06,410 Great. That's where I'm from. 464 00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:07,645 We can stay with my mom. 465 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,047 She's got a bumper pool table. 466 00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,018 (beeping) 467 00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:18,789 And that, my friends, is what we call the long con. 468 00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,091 What are you talking about? 469 00:19:20,093 --> 00:19:21,792 I planted that salt. 470 00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:23,995 I set up this whole thing. 471 00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:25,596 It was a sting, baby. 472 00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:28,499 Oh, I've wanted to screw Gordon Salt for years. 473 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:29,934 What on earth for? 474 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,003 Well, you know how my Rabbi Itzhak character 475 00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:33,638 likes to keep kosher? 476 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,475 A few years ago, the rebbe conducted a surprise inspection 477 00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,544 of a Gordon facility in Arizona 478 00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:43,548 to confirm that their so-called kosher salt was, indeed, kosher. 479 00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:46,717 I'm not embarrassed to say I wept and cried for mercy 480 00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:49,353 as I was soundly beaten by the girl behind the front desk. 481 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,055 But I vowed revenge. 482 00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:54,392 So I bought a 40-pound bag of salt and buried it in the yard, 483 00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:56,727 bought the power washer and slapped a Hemi on it, 484 00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,530 and I waited for 3 1/2 years 485 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,699 for Stan to finally clean the patio. 486 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,501 The rest was a breeze. 487 00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,736 Why didn't you just let us in on the con? 488 00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,705 I mean, you saw how it was tearing us apart. 489 00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,174 I couldn't trust you to be cool when the stakes were so high. 490 00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:11,642 How much did you make? 491 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,412 Let's see. After my salt purchase, backhoe rental, 492 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:16,214 power washer, reconditioned V-8 engine, 493 00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,982 hospital bills, notary for the mineral lease, 494 00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:21,752 plus the staff retreat in Park City, I cleared 40 bucks. 495 00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,187 That's nothing. 496 00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,923 No. That's enough for a bag of charcoal. 497 00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,358 ¶ A lovely day ¶ 498 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,360 ¶ Lovely day, lovely day ¶ 499 00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:31,195 ¶ Lovely day, lovely day ¶ 500 00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:32,930 ¶ Lovely day ¶ 501 00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:36,434 I am going to remember this day for a long time, honey. 502 00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:38,336 Me too. It's perfect. 503 00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:40,438 Almost. It could use a little more... 504 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:41,706 salt. 505 00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:44,942 (laughter) 506 00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:46,244 That's pretty good, Roger. 507 00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:48,646 Why don't you toss me those tongs? 508 00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,587 It's pepper. 509 00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,558 Nope, it's sewage. 510 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,193 It's Steve's. 511 00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:03,995 Bye! Have a great time!