1
00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,036
("Lovely Day" plays)
2
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:07,106
¶¶
3
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,369
Stan!
4
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,639
You got to clean
this goddamn patio!
5
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:44,843
¶ A lovely day ¶
6
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Stan, I need you
to sign this permission slip
7
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,814
for a school trip.
Well, I'm a little busy
8
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,849
getting 20 years of crap
off the patio.
9
00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:53,152
Is Brett Ratner's career
on the patio?
10
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:54,753
Oh-ho-ho!
Burn!
11
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,855
Tell you what --
You sign my permission slip,
12
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and I'll loan you
my power washer.
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You think it's strong enough
to do the job?
14
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Let's just say
the Statue of Liberty
15
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uses it to shower...
16
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which she doesn't do often,
'cause she's French.
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B-B-B-B-Burn!
18
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You know
that's paint thinner.
19
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Yeah, nice try.
I'm not going anywhere.
20
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:20,079
I souped it up
with a little alien tech.
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By alien,
I mean Detroit.
22
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Let's turn
this country around.
23
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Let's make things again.
24
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(engine starts)
25
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(rumbling)
Whoa!
26
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Whoa! Roger!
27
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(screaming)
28
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Nice, huh?
No, shut it off!
29
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(engine shuts off)
Damn it, Roger!
30
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Not used to holding a tool
with that kind of power, Stan?
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(laughs)
I'm kidding.
32
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I've seen yours
while you were sleeping.
33
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It's great.
34
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Oh...
Oh...
35
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...my...
...my...
36
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...God.
...God.
37
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Jinx! Now you can't talk
till I say your name, Stan.
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Ah, damn it!
39
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¶¶
40
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¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
41
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¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
42
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¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
43
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¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
44
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¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
45
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¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
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Aah!
47
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¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
48
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¶¶
49
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What the hell is that?
50
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:33,852
What's going on?!
51
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:36,088
You burning
some punk-ass fools?
52
00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:38,824
Do Hayley next.
The yard!
53
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,459
(stammering)
54
00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,794
Stan was cleaning the patio
with my power washer,
55
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,463
and it kind of
got away from him.
56
00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:46,832
Because it has a Trans Am engine
strapped to it.
57
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You used to be stronger.
58
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:49,835
But, look.
Stan struck something.
59
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,370
White, dusty oil?
60
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:52,437
Lawn dandruff?
61
00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,006
A third ridiculous guess?
62
00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:57,109
I think
I know what this is.
63
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,649
Yep, that's salt.
64
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,117
It's a salt deposit.
65
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Oh, my God!
66
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,220
Did you guys
think it was cocaine?
67
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:10,856
Cocaine doesn't grow
underground, dumb-asses.
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You got to make that shit,
with blood and sweat.
69
00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:14,826
And a little bit of salt.
70
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:17,129
You got to cut it with salt
to hit your margins.
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00:03:17,131 --> 00:03:19,631
So I guess
we have 1% of cocaine here.
72
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,400
And a big mess
to clean up.
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This isn't a mess.
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00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,636
This could be
our future.
75
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:27,206
Is salt valuable?
76
00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:30,576
I don't know.
77
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¶¶
78
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,316
No way.
79
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,551
Wendy Williams could totally
beat up Connie Chung.
80
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,386
Sure, sure,
but, I mean, no one was talking
81
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,222
about either of those people
before you said that.
82
00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:45,824
(door closes)
I spoke
to the Gordon Salt people,
83
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:48,227
and they said we
might have a valuable
resource in our yard.
84
00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:51,163
And if we do, they'd like to pay
us for the right to take it.
85
00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:52,698
You mean mine it,
like minerals?
86
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:55,167
Ha. If you want to talk
like a ground scientist.
87
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,501
A geologist?
What?
88
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:57,903
Wait, honey.
89
00:03:57,905 --> 00:04:01,240
You want a functioning salt mine
in our backyard?
90
00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:03,775
Well, I sure as heck don't want
a non-functioning one.
91
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,744
Stan, it's our yard.
92
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,045
Our sanctuary.
93
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,280
Our happy place.
94
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,948
We used to have
treasure hunts
95
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:12,451
where you'd write clues for me
and hide them around the yard.
96
00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:13,952
I know we're a family,
97
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,587
so we usually pretend
everyone gets a vote.
98
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:18,190
But, come on, guys.
It's me.
99
00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:19,925
I'm gonna do what I want.
(doorbell rings)
100
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,194
And I want
to see who that is.
101
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,964
Mr. Smith,
we're with Gordon Salt.
102
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,733
Wow.
You got here quick.
103
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:32,337
There was a police chase on 95,
so we just drafted off that.
104
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,779
Good news, Mr. Smith --
105
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,749
A big shaft here would tap
into a significant vein of salt.
106
00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:45,117
Hear that?
107
00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:47,452
I'm gonna have
a big veiny shaft.
108
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,721
Are they salt executives
or genies?
109
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,556
(laughing) Oh!
110
00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:53,725
KLAUS:
Did I miss a burn?
111
00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:55,160
Please, excuse my family.
112
00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:56,628
They have some concerns
113
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about what exactly
is going to happen here.
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(chuckles)
Let me put you folks at ease.
115
00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:04,236
Mr. Smith here will sign
his mineral rights over to us,
116
00:05:04,238 --> 00:05:06,405
and we'll give him
a big check.
117
00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:08,507
Then we'll tear up your yard,
take all the salt out,
118
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,175
and fill in the hole
when we're done...
119
00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:11,443
if there's time...
120
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:12,944
which there won't be.
121
00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:15,681
As long as there's time
to write that big check.
122
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,516
Mom, why are you
switching sides?
123
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:20,952
Because now there's a side
that has a big check on it.
124
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:24,756
And just to be clear, you mean
a physically huge check?
125
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,992
I've always wanted
to hold one of those.
126
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,194
Feel like
I won a golf tournament
127
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:32,464
or I'm a landlord and one
of my tenants is a giant.
128
00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:34,533
If you're looking
to buy our mineral rights,
129
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:39,338
you best be talking to me --
Steve, the legal owner.
130
00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:41,940
(all gasp)
I also have big news.
131
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:44,776
One of these guys stepped
in dog turd on the way in.
132
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:48,447
There's size-9 poo spots
all over the house.
133
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:53,852
¶¶
134
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,721
Here's where I keep
all my important documents --
135
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:57,522
Big Wheel warranty,
136
00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:01,059
construction schematics
for my Lego Millennium Falcon,
137
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:03,195
Barry's do-not-resuscitate
order.
138
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,197
Ah! This!
139
00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:08,233
Um, can you get your shoes
off my duvet, please?
140
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:12,404
This is a contract,
signed eight years ago,
141
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:15,640
transferring all mineral rights
on our property from Dad to me.
142
00:06:15,642 --> 00:06:17,209
How is that possible?
143
00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:19,411
Oh.
I can explain.
144
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:21,346
Uh-Uh! You think
I brought you to my room
145
00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,248
so you could do
the talking?
146
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:25,917
"Your scavenger hunt
has come to an end.
147
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,553
Your very last clue
is on the ladder, my schmend."
148
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,021
"Schmend"?
149
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:32,190
Wouldn't "friend"
have been the perfect rhyme?
150
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:34,726
You have a lot to learn
about schmendship.
151
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:39,197
(laughing) Ooh!
Treasure!
152
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:40,732
No, Steve,
those aren't the treasure.
153
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,434
They're just
the clue holder-downers.
154
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:43,568
But they're so shiny.
155
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:44,936
So is Hayley's forehead,
156
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,304
but you wouldn't call that
a treasure.
157
00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:51,710
(sighing) Oh.
158
00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:54,045
"Down the slide
and in the ground,
159
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:56,815
your special treasure
you'll have found."
160
00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,284
Ha ha!
161
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,588
Treasure!
162
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,756
No,
that's just more rocks.
163
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:05,924
Oh, for God's sake.
164
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,426
That's the treasure.
165
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,197
Baseball cards.
166
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,799
(unenthusiastically)
Thanks, Dad.
167
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,500
Well, open 'em.
Let's see who you got.
168
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,404
Must be
some kind of mistake.
169
00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:20,906
They're all the same card.
170
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:22,140
No variety.
171
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,476
Not like the rocks.
172
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:26,978
Oh, my God!
173
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,581
They're all Ken Griffey Jr.
rookie cards.
174
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,116
They must be worth
a fortune.
175
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,052
Francine, what have you
always wanted to buy?
176
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,455
FRANCINE: We keep putting off
that procedure on my hip.
177
00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:38,390
Right!
A fan boat!
178
00:07:38,392 --> 00:07:39,958
Mwah!
Um, Dad?
179
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,593
Isn't that my treasure?
180
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:43,261
Technically, yes.
181
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:46,565
But wouldn't you rather have all
the rocks in the whole yard?
182
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:47,966
That would be awesome!
183
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,668
But how would
I get them all out?
184
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,970
You don't have to.
185
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:55,073
You see, Steve,
owning land can be different
186
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:58,009
than owning the minerals
inside that land.
187
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,145
So now you have
the mineral rights.
188
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,514
And all I have
are these pieces of cardboard.
189
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,416
Sucker!
190
00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:06,318
Okay, you're making me
look bad, Steve.
191
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,986
'Cause after
you called me a sucker,
192
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,654
I definitely threw you
in the pool,
193
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:10,789
'cause I don't take
that shit.
194
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,257
Nor should you.
195
00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:14,192
But we're really more
concerned with the contract.
196
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:16,495
Please. That can't
possibly be legally binding.
197
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:18,363
I thought
you might say that...
198
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,665
which is why I went down
to city hall this morning
199
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,200
and got it stamped.
200
00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:24,703
Hmm.
Yep, it's official.
201
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:29,407
And if anyone knows what's
"official," it's a fish, y'all!
202
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,717
Look, we're here on business,
and you, young man,
203
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,186
are the person we should be
doing business with.
204
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,989
So there's still
a big check.
205
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,557
It's just for Steve...
206
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,826
my favorite boy.
207
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,194
Our favorite boy.
208
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,795
Put 'er there, son.
209
00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:52,664
Psych!
Whoo!
210
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:54,799
No deal, mister.
211
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:57,135
Eight years ago,
my dad tried to rip me off.
212
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,137
Well, now I'm the one
who's gonna do the ripping --
213
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,338
and the tearing.
214
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:01,806
The ripping and the tearing,
215
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:04,976
right through his plan
to destroy our backyard.
216
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,245
My backyard.
My minerals.
217
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:09,881
Listen, Jeremy, is it?
Steve.
218
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,751
I respect the sexual frustration
behind your decision.
219
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:14,419
What?! No, no.
That's not why I --
220
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:15,687
You're obviously a virgin.
221
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,088
That has nothing
to do with --
222
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,590
But here's the thing,
Jer-bear --
223
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:22,661
Gordon always gets its salt.
224
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,737
He's the virgin.
225
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,039
Not even close!
226
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,874
I've had sex
with lots of girls.
227
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,442
Name one.
228
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:44,049
(school bell rings)
229
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,284
Hi.
Hey.
230
00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:48,720
What's that?
It's a Lego
Millennium Falcon --
231
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:51,623
minus a floor panel,
which I'm [Sighs]
232
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,758
praying
fell behind my trundle bed.
233
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,860
'Cause without it,
Han and Chewie are screwed
234
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,429
when they need to hide
from Imperial troops.
235
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,763
They'd just be sitting
236
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,600
in a wide-open smuggler's hatch
like idiots.
237
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:04,736
You're fun
and interesting.
I am?!
238
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:05,870
Want to go out some time?
239
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:07,138
Um, sure!
240
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:08,707
I'm Steve.
What's your name?
241
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:09,874
Whatever you want it to be.
242
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,543
Franci-- Hold on.
243
00:10:11,545 --> 00:10:13,578
This is
all going too easily.
244
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,981
Wait.
You look familiar.
245
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:19,985
Yellow raincoat, box of salt
leaking on your shoes...
246
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:21,553
blue umbrella!
(gasps)
247
00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:23,221
You're
the Gordon Salt Girl!
248
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:24,723
MAN:
And she can be yours.
249
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:27,125
All you have to do is
sign over the mineral rights.
250
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,127
I already told you -- No.
251
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:33,331
Seriously. She'll do
anything you want, or...
252
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,667
I'll do
anything you want?
253
00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:37,102
Stop.
254
00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:39,170
You two may be dead inside,
but I'm not.
255
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,640
I'm alive --
with family memories
256
00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:44,409
of barbecues
and trying sports
257
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:46,845
and sweet, lazy
Sunday afternoons.
258
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,246
Mr. Smith!
259
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:49,681
Sorry.
It's just these people are --
260
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:52,417
Are you playing with Legos
in my class?
261
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,619
I'm doing a build,
if that's what you're asking.
262
00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:56,121
It's distracting.
263
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,523
So are the two adult strangers
in your class.
264
00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:00,091
Nice try, Steve.
265
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:02,260
But us adults
stick together.
266
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,665
(somber music plays)
267
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,433
(door closes)
Long day.
268
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:09,701
(sighs) Yeah.
269
00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,369
The Gordon people
were all over --
270
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:12,937
No, I mean
I had a long day.
271
00:11:12,939 --> 00:11:14,539
I got hurt
on our field trip.
272
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,808
We went to Mount Vernon,
so as you'd expect,
273
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:19,444
I got my arm busted
by a bunch of Hells Angels.
274
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,346
Sign my cast?
Sure.
275
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,847
No, no.
Not there, not there.
276
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,349
Right there.
277
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,284
Got to leave room
for Zachary and Ella.
278
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:27,986
I'm gonna have them sign
next to each other,
279
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:29,521
'cause then
when I break them up,
280
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,356
Ella's gonna cry every time
she sees my cast,
281
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,191
and I'm gonna love it,
282
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,794
'cause she was such a bitch
to me at the lockers last week.
283
00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:39,197
I know
this is all made up.
Some of it.
284
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,232
FRANCINE:
Roger, leave Steve alone.
285
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:44,903
Thanks, Mom, but I already have
a chocolate milk martini.
286
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,638
This is a real martini.
287
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,506
It's okay.
You're a man now.
288
00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,041
A man with mineral rights.
289
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,309
Get drunk!
290
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,078
Then decide
what to do with them.
291
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,546
I can't believe it!
292
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,414
You want me to sell out
to the salt people!
293
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,150
No!
I want you to get drunk.
294
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,519
I believe
that once you get drunk,
295
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,054
you'll sell out
to the salt people.
296
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,323
But what about
our family memories?
297
00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:08,593
We'll buy new memories --
with all that salt money.
298
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:12,263
(door closes)
And we don't have to share it
with your dad.
299
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,600
In fact, we can give him
this poison martini.
300
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,068
Piss off, Francine.
301
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,670
I've got too much
to live for,
302
00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:21,573
knowing I still have
my Ken Griffey Jr. rookie cards.
303
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,041
ROGER: Um, actually,
you don't.
304
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:25,076
I put them in the spokes
of my bike last year.
305
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,878
But they were locked away
in my safe.
306
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,913
Stan, honey,
I hate to break this to you,
307
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,381
but I am your safe.
308
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:31,950
It's one of my personas.
What?!
309
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:34,018
I'm also
the downstairs toilet.
310
00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:35,353
My cards!
311
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,621
Made me feel boss
312
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,957
when I was riding down
the street, flossin'!
313
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,058
You ruined them.
314
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:42,193
Those were my cards!
Mine!
315
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:44,529
I hate this place!
316
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,831
(wheels clicking)
317
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:53,471
So, we've had some difficulty
getting your son to play ball.
318
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,306
That's because he can't
play ball very well,
319
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,875
so he gets self-conscious
about it.
320
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,043
You just need to start
playing like it's no big deal,
321
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:00,278
and eventually,
he'll join in.
322
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,780
Charles.
(tires screech)
323
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:04,816
You're a big meanie.
324
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:07,418
My God, are you the man
of your house, or aren't you?
325
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:10,088
Because a man wouldn't let
a boy's contract
326
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,656
stop him
from making this deal.
327
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,124
But it's signed.
328
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,459
And stamped.
329
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,895
You heard the fish.
(sighing) Oh.
330
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:20,298
I didn't want to come to this.
I really didn't.
331
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:26,004
(thunder crashes)
What the hell is that?!
332
00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:28,940
This, Mr. Smith, is
the original Gordon Salt Girl,
333
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,475
preserved by salt...
334
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:33,545
and angered by delays.
335
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:41,152
(echoing)
Get me that salt!
336
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:47,225
STEVE:
What are you doing?!
337
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:51,729
I believe the legal term
is take-backs.
338
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:58,336
Destroying a young boy's
signed contract --
339
00:13:58,338 --> 00:13:59,971
truly low, sir.
340
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:02,607
And exactly the kind of thing
I knew you'd do...
341
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,108
which is why...
342
00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:08,613
I moved the real contract
to Snot's for safekeeping.
343
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,148
Well played, son.
344
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:12,784
You anticipated my move
and had the foresight
345
00:14:12,786 --> 00:14:15,787
to stash the contract
at a secure off-site location.
346
00:14:15,789 --> 00:14:18,523
Which begs the question,
why did you bring it home?
347
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,124
Well, I went to check on it,
348
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:21,993
and contrary
to what I'd been assured,
349
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,662
Snot did not have
a proper file cabinet.
350
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:26,297
Where was it?
Like, on his desk or something?
351
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:28,299
Yeah, with --
Other crap all over the place.
352
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:30,068
Yes. And it's
not like something
353
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,736
was for sure
going to happen to it.
354
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,404
It's just --
There's a right way
to do things.
355
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,039
Exactly.
Totally get it.
356
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,209
(grunts)
357
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,744
Hey, Steve, did you know
358
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,046
there's a Lego piece
behind your dresser?
359
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,882
Looks like the door
to a smuggler's hatch.
360
00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:45,550
All right, Dad!
361
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:48,987
As soon as this salt war is
over, I'll thank you properly!
362
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,959
(screaming)
363
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,597
Dad's trying
to destroy the contract
364
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:01,199
so he can sell out
to Gordon.
365
00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:03,034
Uh-huh.
You got to help me.
366
00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:04,936
Do I?
Of course you do.
367
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,871
You don't want
a salt mine in our yard.
368
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:09,407
What about our memories
and the environment?
369
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,910
Hmm.
I do love those things.
370
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:15,213
I also love the idea that if
there's a salt mine in the yard,
371
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:18,549
I can protest it
without getting out of bed.
Hayley, no!
372
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:21,286
Basically, this is
the lazy protester's dream.
373
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:24,455
So, why don't you just
give me the contract?
374
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:25,924
(groans)
375
00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,692
(grunting)
376
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:32,463
Ugh. Are you gonna make me
get out of bed?
377
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:40,271
(sighs)
378
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,610
Aah!
379
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,946
Mama? Wh--
What's with the nails?
380
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,280
They're white...
381
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,882
like salt, Steve.
382
00:15:50,884 --> 00:15:53,885
I came up with it
when I realized salt
383
00:15:53,887 --> 00:15:56,788
is the only white thing
in the world!
384
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,990
Mom, that's not even
close to true.
385
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:01,492
Let's you and me
make it true!
386
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:04,095
STAN:
Nowhere to run, son.
387
00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:05,563
Or walk.
388
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,399
I think we can all do this
with just walking.
389
00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:12,837
Come on, Steve.
Let's go, Steve.
390
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,105
Give it up, Steve.
391
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:16,140
What am I doing?
392
00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:18,476
Why am I fighting
for our family memories
393
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,445
if my family
won't fight with me?
394
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:22,947
I'm with you, Steve!
395
00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:24,983
I'm totally alone
in this.
396
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:30,288
You know what?
You guys win.
397
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:34,125
If our memories are meaningless,
then so is this piece of paper.
398
00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:35,727
I renounce it.
399
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:42,000
"Down the slide
and in the ground,
400
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:44,836
your special treasure
you'll have found."
401
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,704
I remember that slide.
402
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,439
When I climbed
to the top of it,
403
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,708
it felt like
I was climbing into the sky.
404
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:53,177
You had a big scary slide
like this, too?
405
00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:56,047
Not your slide, Steve.
My slide.
406
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:59,183
My dad wrote these clues for me
when I was a kid.
407
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,886
He'd hide them all over
the yard, and I'd look for them.
408
00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:04,822
And when I was done, I'd wake
him up, if I could find him.
409
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:07,392
Wait, you just recycled
your dad's game?
410
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,727
I haven't thought about that
in years.
411
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:12,296
What a great memory.
Not for me.
412
00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:14,866
It means all my treasure hunts
were just hand-me-downs.
413
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,467
From my awesome father.
414
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,403
What?!
He abandoned you!
415
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:19,804
That man's a sociopath!
416
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:21,806
Quiet, Steve.
I'm getting an idea.
417
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,174
Is it that family memories
418
00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:24,675
are precious
and should be protected?
419
00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:25,910
Uh, duh!
420
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,545
But, also --
try to follow me --
421
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,748
maybe we shouldn't let
the Gordon people mine our yard.
422
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:32,483
I've been saying that
for a week!
423
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,886
Hope on the bandwagon, Steve.
There's plenty of room.
424
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,354
Now, I'm gonna call them
and --
425
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:37,655
(rumbling)
426
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:42,693
Wait!
We've changed our minds!
427
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,362
This isn't
just a patch of dirt.
428
00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:46,264
It's a canvas
on which we've painted
429
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,599
some of the most wonderful
moments of our lives.
430
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,334
That's beautiful,
Mr. Smith.
431
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:53,071
I believe that I could never buy
the mineral rights
432
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:54,872
from you or your son.
433
00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:55,873
Great.
434
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,008
So...
435
00:17:57,010 --> 00:17:58,443
about my fence?
436
00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:01,712
Which is why I bought them
from their actual owner.
437
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:04,182
ANNOUNCER: Actual owner?!
Whoa!
438
00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:06,884
Who will it be,
"American Dad!" fans?
439
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:09,020
Steve's teacher?
Ken Griffey Jr.?
440
00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:10,621
The Gordon exec
who hasn't spoken yet?
441
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,223
Is it Snot, Barry, or Toshi,
442
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:14,125
who've all been
conspicuously absent?
443
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:15,560
Is it me, the announcer?!
444
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:17,395
Oh, I look like Dracula,
by the way.
445
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:18,896
Is it Principal Lewis?
446
00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:20,932
Is it Francine's sexy sister,
Gwen?
447
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:23,901
Is it Diane from an upcoming
episode about slot cars?
448
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:26,637
Suckboy Tony? James Garfield?
Robert Wuhl?
449
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:29,474
Tuttle, Buckle, Jackson, Duper,
Hooper, Dick, or Bullock?
450
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:32,276
Styles, Billy, Jack, Meredith,
Tom from the grocery store?
451
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,446
That sweet little boy from
"The Cleveland Show," Rallo?
452
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,614
It's me!
453
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,382
You're probably realizing now,
Stan,
454
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:41,385
that permission slip you signed
was a mineral-rights lease.
455
00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:43,754
But when it turned out
Steve was the real owner,
456
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:47,091
I broke my arm and plastered
another lease around my cast.
457
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,961
Sorry, kid, but you
were throwing away
one hell of a score.
458
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:51,696
All right, people!
Let's dig!
459
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,970
What? What?!
There's no vein?!
460
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:02,173
We paid all that money
for just one scoop?!
461
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:03,474
Sir, there's been a report
462
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,143
of a gusher
in Madison, Wisconsin.
463
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:06,410
Great.
That's where I'm from.
464
00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:07,645
We can stay with my mom.
465
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,047
She's got
a bumper pool table.
466
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,018
(beeping)
467
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:18,789
And that, my friends,
is what we call the long con.
468
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,091
What are you
talking about?
469
00:19:20,093 --> 00:19:21,792
I planted that salt.
470
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:23,995
I set up this whole thing.
471
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:25,596
It was a sting, baby.
472
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:28,499
Oh, I've wanted to screw
Gordon Salt for years.
473
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:29,934
What on earth for?
474
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,003
Well, you know how
my Rabbi Itzhak character
475
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:33,638
likes to keep kosher?
476
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,475
A few years ago, the rebbe
conducted a surprise inspection
477
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,544
of a Gordon facility
in Arizona
478
00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:43,548
to confirm that their so-called
kosher salt was, indeed, kosher.
479
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:46,717
I'm not embarrassed to say
I wept and cried for mercy
480
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:49,353
as I was soundly beaten by
the girl behind the front desk.
481
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,055
But I vowed revenge.
482
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:54,392
So I bought a 40-pound bag of
salt and buried it in the yard,
483
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:56,727
bought the power washer
and slapped a Hemi on it,
484
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,530
and I waited for 3 1/2 years
485
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,699
for Stan
to finally clean the patio.
486
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,501
The rest was a breeze.
487
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,736
Why didn't you just
let us in on the con?
488
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,705
I mean, you saw
how it was tearing us apart.
489
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,174
I couldn't trust you to be cool
when the stakes were so high.
490
00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:11,642
How much
did you make?
491
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,412
Let's see. After my salt
purchase, backhoe rental,
492
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:16,214
power washer,
reconditioned V-8 engine,
493
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,982
hospital bills,
notary for the mineral lease,
494
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:21,752
plus the staff retreat in
Park City, I cleared 40 bucks.
495
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,187
That's nothing.
496
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,923
No. That's enough
for a bag of charcoal.
497
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,358
¶ A lovely day ¶
498
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,360
¶ Lovely day, lovely day ¶
499
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:31,195
¶ Lovely day, lovely day ¶
500
00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:32,930
¶ Lovely day ¶
501
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:36,434
I am going to remember this day
for a long time, honey.
502
00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:38,336
Me too.
It's perfect.
503
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:40,438
Almost.
It could use a little more...
504
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:41,706
salt.
505
00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:44,942
(laughter)
506
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:46,244
That's pretty good,
Roger.
507
00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:48,646
Why don't you toss me
those tongs?
508
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,587
It's pepper.
509
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,558
Nope, it's sewage.
510
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,193
It's Steve's.
511
00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:03,995
Bye!
Have a great time!