[ Birds chirping ]
Roger, are those pumps?
Most def.
Headed down to the park to play some ball.
[ Air hisses ]
Four pumps?!
Oh, your foot must be floating right now!
[ Hisses ]
Five pumps?
Is your other foot still at no pumps?
You're gonna die!
Roger, can I come play with you?
I'm trying to get some practice in
for the big two-on-two tourney.
Ha! You're playing
in the Uptown Throw-Down to Dunk Away Malaria?
Um, 50 bucks on malaria.
Come on, I'm good!
I play at the rec center every Tuesday.
With those old guys?
Stan, you're what real ballers refer to as an "old head."
You could never run with a young blood like me.
I could keep up.
Aah!
Check you later, old head.
You don't have to be like that.
I know how that trick works.
It's not the same ball.
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Nice feed, Applesauce!
I got you all day, Rip!
Crisscross applesauce!
Wha?! How did he --
That's his signature move -- Crisscross applesauce.
That's why he rules the playground, fool.
Crisscross applesauce!
Crisscross apple--
[ Bone crunches ]
[ All gasp ]
Oh, my ankle!
Ooh, sweet Baby Jesus! Not Applesauce!
Noooooooooo!
Get up, Applesauce!
You gotta get up!
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶
¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
Aah!
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
[ Slow beat playing ]
¶ 3:30 in the afternoon ¶
¶ I should be doing my homework ¶
¶ Inside my own room ¶
¶ But bad luck ¶
¶ Got me all messed up ¶
¶ I'm in the locker room and now I'm stuck ¶
¶ Guess I'm a goner now ¶
¶ See, I was walking, Snot was talking ¶
¶ I remembered something ¶
¶ I'd forgotten to grab my wallet ¶
¶ Because I was rushing ¶
¶ Then he said, "I'm fittin' to go to my grandma's house" ¶
¶ I shrugged and I turned around ¶
¶ Back to the school, ¶ but then who did I found? ¶ ¶ Mertz ¶
¶ "Oh, no" ¶
¶ This is not who I want to see ¶
¶ Was running till I saw an opening ¶
¶ And now the whole soccer team's bound to freak ¶
[ Falsetto voice ] ¶ She's approaching the locker ¶
¶ They're done practicing soccer ¶
¶ She's opening the locker ¶
¶ Wish there was some way to block her ¶
[ Shatters ]
I'm going down to the corner
to get drunk with the other losers.
Roger, I'm not so sure about your new crew.
Oh, I guess you think they're losers, huh?
Why are you going down there, anyway?
Because I got a hairline fracture in my leg.
I'm washed up!
Now I'm never gonna win the two-on-two tournament.
That was my one true dream.
That doesn't mean your life is over, Roger.
You're walking around fine.
Yeah, but the doctor says I can't ball.
Body can't handle
the quick cuts, the spins, the crisscross.
And without the crisscross,
I'm just some guy yelling about applesauce.
Stan, I'm worried about Roger.
Really? I'm more worried about Frankenstein.
He's absolutely terrifying.
Come on, Stan.
Don't the guys at your basketball game play slow
so no one gets hurt?
Oh, no! No way I'm inviting Roger.
I asked to play with him last week,
and he called me an old head.
Well, now he's the one who's old.
I could school him.
Actually...
Maybe Roger should come play with me.
Yeah. Maybe that's exactly what old Roger needs right now.
Thank you, Stan.
But it worries me,
that bad-guy thing you're doing with your hands.
[ Lisping ] Oh, does it?
Man, no one could guard me in my day.
I made fools look foolish.
You were straight up legend, E-Money.
Roger! What's up? You need weed?
Get in the car.
Oh, he needs a little something else.
I'm gonna go blow this guy.
You on fire today, Applesauce! [ Car door closes ]
[ Slow beat playing ]
Steve: ¶ So these girls pull me out of the locker ¶
¶ Talkin' about, "What the hell you doing up in here?" ¶
¶ I'm like, "Hold up [bleep] you need to lower your voice ¶
¶ Do I make myself clear?" ¶
¶ She like, "Whoa, who you calling a [bleep]?"
¶ I'm like, "You" ¶ ¶ She like, "Who?" ¶
¶ I'm like, "You, [bleep] ¶
¶ Wait, hold up, let me explain ¶
¶ All the shit I been going through ¶
¶ Now, let's start over ¶
¶ My name's Steve ¶
¶ It's nice to meet you, ladies" ¶
¶ "Cut that bullcrap, Steve ¶
¶ We know that you've been acting shady ¶
¶ So, listen close ¶
¶ 'Cause this is what we are gonna go ¶
¶ When somebody's creeping, we call in Jewel" ¶
¶ "Not Jewel" ¶
¶ "Yes, Jewel" ¶
¶ Oh, no ¶
¶ Jewel looks like a grown-ass man ¶
¶ 14 years old ¶
¶ At least 215 pounds ¶
¶ She's coming at me ¶
¶ And this is when things start to get foolish ¶
¶ The roof caved in on top of her ¶
[ Falsetto voice ] ¶ Oh, my God, it's Lewis ¶
[ Echoing ] ¶ Lewis, Lewis ¶
Stan, is this a basketball gym?
I told you, my playing days are over.
Yeah, but I was thinking maybe this is more your speed.
[ Bone crunches, ball bounces ]
I don't know, Stan.
You think I'll fit in?
Hey, everyone, I brought a new guy.
His name is -- Billy Jesusworth.
Billy Jesusworth,
this is Jackson, Dick, Buckle, Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq plays here?
Us old heads got to get some games whenever we can.
For me, it's all about the joy.
Buckle plays here?!
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
Stan! Easy, Stan.
Face!
Aagh!
Bucket! And the foul!
Why are you doing this to me?
Because you called me old.
You're the one who's old. You're washed up.
What, so you just brought me here to make me look stupid?
[ Sobbing ]
Damn, Stan.
And you said that guy was your friend.
That's cold-blooded.
Shaq could use someone like you
for the two-on-two tournament.
Hey, you serious right now?
Absolutely.
You seem like the toughest dude out here.
You noticed!
Oh, my heart is soaring right now!
[ Roger sobbing ]
The far doors are locked. I'm gonna try the other ones.
[ Sobbing continues ]
[ Door opens ]
Hey, how was basketball?
Awesome! Shaquille O'Neal asked me to be his partner
for the Uptown Throw-Down!
But the best part was I totally schooled Roger.
Stan, the whole reason I asked you to take Roger to your game
was to build his confidence.
As usual, your reason and mine were totally different.
I took him because he was being a dick to me
and I wanted to crush his will to live.
He's your friend. Look at him.
Stan, can you do me one last act of kindness and start the car?
Fine. I'll take him back to the game and I'll play nice.
But if I get the ball behind the arc and I'm open,
I'm gonna drill threes over him.
I'm a shooter, and a shooter gotta shoot.
Stan, I don't know basketball,
but I can tell by the way you're talking
that you're not good at it.
Steve: ¶ 3:47 in Principal Lewis' room ¶
¶ This fool is having a panic attack ¶
¶ I hope this is over soon ¶
¶ He was talking about ¶
[ Deep voice ] ¶ "Budget cuts ¶
¶ No pest control for months ¶
¶ I wasn't perving or looking at butts ¶
¶ I was in the A.C., man, hunting for rats ¶
¶ I swear to God" ¶
[ Normal voice ] ¶ "Man, that's your business, not my business ¶
¶ I don't need no update" ¶
[ Deep voice ] ¶ "I got a new woman ¶
¶ So we need to get our stories straight" ¶
[ Normal voice ] ¶ "We? What the [bleep] you talkin' 'bout, man? ¶
¶ There's no 'we'" ¶
[ Deep voice ] ¶ "Steve, if my new woman hear about this ¶
¶ Man, she gon' leave" ¶ [ Muffled sneeze ]
¶ "Wait, what the heck was that? ¶
¶ Sounded like a rat" ¶
[ Normal voice ] ¶ Then he pulled out a Jericho 9 millimeter ¶
¶ Started busting ¶
[ Gunshots ]
¶ And just when I thought it couldn't get more scary ¶
[ Falsetto voice ] ¶ When he opened the door ¶
¶ The rat turned out to be Secretary Mary ¶
[ Echoing ] ¶ Mary, Mary ¶
Listen, guys, after you demoralized Billy yesterday,
he tried to kill himself.
Hey, me, too! No way!
I was thinking maybe this time we could take it easy on him,
let him hit a couple shots.
Makes sense to me.
The Spurs won two NBA champions
because the commissioner was worried Tim Duncan looked sad.
Stan: Shoot!
Shoot!
[ Groans ]
Come on, Billy! Shoot!
Billy, I believe in you!
Swish!
Nice shot. You nailed it.
I did?!
Yeah, baby. That's automatic for me.
Dunk!
Nice assist, Shaq.
You guys can't leave me and Shaq open like that.
We'll make you pay.
I'll take it from here.
Better grab a poncho, boys.
It's gonna be raining from this spot all day.
Steve: ¶ So, I'm speeding down the street ¶
¶ Reaching for my phone, about to have a fit ¶
¶ I'm calling the one dude who can help me out of this mess ¶ [ Dialing ]
¶ Br-ring ¶
¶ "Come on, Snot, I need you ¶
¶ To pick up the damn phone right now" ¶
¶ And the next part's so jacked up that it hurts ¶
[ Falsetto voice ] ¶ The dude that picked up wasn't Snot ¶
¶ It was [Echoing] Mertz ¶
Hello?
Great news, everybody.
Heinrich asked me to be his two-on-two partner.
All: Oh!
Nice ballin' today, Hooper. Quit biting on my fake.
Dick, if you're gonna bank it, better call glass.
Stan!
Stan, I just want to thank you.
I thought I was finished playing ball,
but you took the time to lift me up
and show me I could still hoop.
I am in your debt.
Well, I'm just glad to see you back to your old self.
And you're a pretty good baller,
which is why I'm not going to take you lightly
when I face you in the tourney with my new partner,
Shaquille O'Neal!
But -- but we're supposed to play together.
Sorry, Stan.
I don't believe man's fate is predetermined.
We're all endowed with free will.
And I'm using mine to change basketball partners.
You knew he was my partner!
Shaquille, let's talk strategy.
Now, if you're uncomfortable
with me walking with my arm around your waist,
I could also walk behind you
with my hands clasped in front of your abdomen.
I love the Panda.
Double orange chicken, all day, every day.
I know they called us the Dream Team in '96,
but to me, the real Dream Team
is this beef and this broccoli.
You deserve this more than I do.
Oh, hello, Roger. Didn't know I'd see you here.
Just came in because my new teammate for the tourney was hungry.
Oh, have you met Yao Ming?
Yao Ming?!
But, uh, what?!
That's right. I got legendary monster freak Yao Ming.
Hey, Shaq.
[ Conversing in Mandarin ]
You're talking about me.
I know you're talking about me, Shaquille.
So...
Yao and I are gonna team up.
Hope we're cool.
No, we're not cool! Why would we be cool?!
This is your fault, Stan!
Shaq was my chance to get back on top, and you ruined it!
I hate you!
[ Sobbing ]
[ Sobbing continues ]
Steve: ¶ I'm tripping ¶
¶ What the heck is going on? ¶
¶ Maybe I called the wrong number ¶
¶ And got the wrong phone ¶
¶ But the doors are open ¶
¶ Smells like potpourri ¶
¶ I walk in, and what do I see? ¶
¶ Snot and Mertz playin' Risk ¶
¶ "I'm betrayed, my favorite game ¶
¶ You're playing with that bully ¶
¶ What, now y'all close? ¶ ¶ Wait [Gasps] ¶
[ Falsetto voice ] ¶ You're drinking milk and cookies?" ¶
¶ Snot was like, "Listen" ¶
¶ "No-no, no, no, no" ¶
¶ "I can explain" ¶
¶ "Well, then, go ahead and explain yourself" ¶
[ Normal voice ] ¶ Then Mertz jumped up, said ¶
¶ "I'll explain so that you two will cool it ¶
¶ See, his dad died and my dad died ¶
¶ And Risk is therapeutic" ¶
¶ I was like, "Amen" ¶
¶ Snot was like, "Amen to that ¶
¶ I love Risk" ¶
¶ "I love Risk, too" ¶
¶ "Damn, y'all bonded over Risk ¶
¶ That's beautif--" ¶
¶ Principal Lewis kicked in the door ¶
¶ Waving a .44 ¶
¶ Talking about, "Don't speak, don't move no more" ¶
¶ But Snot's mom came in and said ¶
¶ "Lewis, baby, put down that gun ¶
¶ And uncock it" ¶
¶ And that's when we noticed ¶
¶ They was wearing ¶
[ Falsetto voice ] ¶ The very same locket ¶
[ Echoing ] ¶ Locket, locket ¶
¶ Locket ¶
[ Insects chirping ]
You here to rub in the fact
that you cost me the most important thing in my life?
You stole my partner after I invited you into my game!
What kind of friend does that?
Oh, my God. You're right.
I just got crazy 'cause...
'cause I wanted to compete at the highest level.
You still can -- if we play together.
You and me?
Maybe if I was still Applesauce.
Roger, you don't need to be Applesauce to be good.
Applesauce was a young blood.
He only succeeded on athleticism and God-given talent.
True. True.
But you can learn to play like an old head.
Those guys that play with us, they all used to be young.
Buckle used to be able to dunk.
Really?
And Shaq used to play in the NBA.
No way!
But all those guys got old
and learned to change their style.
They learned to use their elbows,
they learned to grab their opponents' jerseys
as they ran by.
And you can learn, too.
What do you say?
[ Kurtis Blow's "Basketball" plays ] And so the lesson begins
¶ We love that basketball ¶
¶ Now rapping basketball -- number one, Kurtis Blow ¶
¶ Basketball is my favorite sport ¶
¶ I like the way they dribble up and down the court ¶
¶ Just like I'm the king on the microphone ¶
¶ So is Dr. J and Moses Malone ¶
¶ I like slam dunks and takin' it to the hoop ¶
¶ My favorite play is the alley-oop ¶ [ Cheers and applause ]
We did it.
It was hard-fought, and we were having so much fun,
we were halfway through the tournament
before I even realized we were playing it.
But we did it! We made it to the finals.
[ Slow beat playing ]
Steve: ¶ Now we all on the floor ¶
¶ Feelin' clueless ¶
¶ It's hard to believe that Snot's mom was banging Lewis ¶
¶ Then Lewis says ¶
[ Deep voice ] ¶ "It's been a hell of a day ¶
¶ I'm glad this whole thing is out ¶
¶ Wait, why you wearing a negligee? ¶
¶ How'd you even know that you was fittin' to see me? ¶
¶ And whose clothes are those thrown over the TV?" ¶
[ Normal voice ] ¶ And Snot's mom was like ¶
¶ "But -- b-b-b-b" ¶
¶ Stuttering all over the place ¶
¶ And Lewis says, "Girl, unless you got Parkinson's ¶
¶ Start talking straight" ¶
¶ "Baby, is everything okay?" ¶
[ Deep voice ] ¶ "Wait, hold up ¶
¶ I know this ain't the dude that's the reason ¶
¶ For the cabaret lingerie" ¶
[ Normal voice ] ¶ Then Lewis starts waving his gun around ¶
¶ And busting shots off in the closet ¶
¶ Then Greg fell out, cried, "Avery ¶
¶ How could you be so dishonest?" ¶
¶ Snot's mom screamed ¶
¶ Now Greg's pager's flashing blue ¶
¶ He says, "My bae's got a clue" ¶
¶ Next thing, his man is in the room ¶
¶ Seven minutes later, 12 adults with they guns out ¶
¶ Talking about, "You [bleep] her and I [bleep] him" ¶
¶ While they all scream and shout ¶
¶ But then...¶
¶ Principal Lewis started laughing ¶
¶ Just sitting there, giggling to himself, just laughing ¶
¶ He said [Deep voice] "Well, now that
¶ We've all made the connection ¶
¶ I hope everybody was using protection" ¶
[ Normal voice ] ¶ And they all started laughing because, of course, nobody had ¶
¶ Snot's mom, Greg, and Stelio ¶
¶ And this new couple -- Gina and Chad ¶
¶ They was all just laughin' ¶
¶ Just giggling and laughin' ¶
¶ And we snuck out while they was laughin' ¶
Francine: Steve, I don't know why you're telling me this now,
and I don't know why you're singing the whole story,
but your dad and Roger are about to play in the finals.
Okay, singing may have been a bad choice.
But that's a crazy story, right?
Wait...
Did Lewis murder his secretary?
The finals, Hayley!
[ Whistle blows ]
Okay, every basket is one point.
First team to 11, wins.
Whoever catches this has to kiss me.
[ Hip hop beat plays ]
¶ Slam, da-da-dat ¶
Can't pass where you can't see!
¶ Let the boys be boys ¶
¶ Slam, slam ¶
¶ Da-da-dat ¶
¶ Let the boys be boys ¶
[ Both panting ]
Man, these guys are good.
I got a plan.
The next time Shaq goes to the rim,
let him dunk.
Hey, Shaq, looks like the only thing you're dunking these days
is doughnuts!
Oh! Up top, ref!
[ Creak, clatter ]
Aah!
This thing crushed my legs.
Who says an old head can't learn a new trick?
And now that Yao doesn't have a teammate,
I guess we win by forfeit.
Wait. I will beat them by myself.
[ Gasps ] He speaks English.
¶ Look for the hook ¶
¶ Everybody, everybody, here comes the hook ¶
¶ Look for the hook ¶
¶ Everybody, everybody, here comes the hook ¶
¶ Back to the studio to make another hit ¶
¶ On the tip of being funky ¶
¶ This is funky as it get ¶
¶ If ya trip, watch your lip ¶
¶ With a quick fast and tip fast ¶
¶ Like I did when I...¶
This is it, Roger.
We need one basket. One basket to win it all.
And we've got trick left.
Stan, I can't blow this guy in front of all these people.
No!
Crisscross applesauce.
But, Stan, I'm too old for that move.
No, you're not.
You may be an old head,
but your heart pumps young blood.
Hell yeah, it does! Forget that doctor!
Doctors are stupid, Roger. They're just failed dentists.
Crisscross applesau-- Aah!
[ Both screaming ]
Yao, stop!
[ Triumphant music playing ]
The doctor said your leg was gonna break
if you ever tried that move.
And Yao had been guarding you close all day.
It was simple math to know that your exposed bone
would pierce his calf and take him out.
Great call, Stan.
And we got the hardware, baby!
Mwah!
We should have been champions.
This is a Shaq-rage!
Klaus: You did your best,
but you came up a little short.
There's always next year.
What? Who are you?
Oh, guys. I'm Klaus.
Have a great night!