1
00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:03,369
[ Birds chirping ]
2
00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:06,372
Roger, are those pumps?
3
00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:07,840
Most def.
4
00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:09,475
Headed down to the park
to play some ball.
5
00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:11,310
[ Air hisses ]
6
00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:12,711
Four pumps?!
7
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:15,948
Oh, your foot must be floating
right now!
8
00:00:15,950 --> 00:00:17,616
[ Hisses ]
9
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:18,951
Five pumps?
10
00:00:18,953 --> 00:00:21,387
Is your other foot
still at no pumps?
11
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:22,554
You're gonna die!
12
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:23,956
Roger,
can I come play with you?
13
00:00:23,958 --> 00:00:25,324
I'm trying
to get some practice in
14
00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:26,625
for the big
two-on-two tourney.
15
00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:28,160
Ha! You're playing
16
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:31,030
in the Uptown Throw-Down
to Dunk Away Malaria?
17
00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:32,531
Um, 50 bucks on malaria.
18
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:33,832
Come on, I'm good!
19
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,367
I play at the rec center
every Tuesday.
20
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,136
With those old guys?
21
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:39,905
Stan, you're what real ballers
refer to as an "old head."
22
00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:42,408
You could never run
with a young blood like me.
23
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:43,509
I could keep up.
24
00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:44,610
Aah!
25
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:49,848
Check you later,
old head.
26
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,884
You don't have
to be like that.
27
00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:53,552
I know how
that trick works.
28
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,487
It's not the same ball.
29
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,923
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
30
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,327
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
31
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:03,896
Nice feed, Applesauce!
32
00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:06,632
I got you all day, Rip!
33
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,203
Crisscross applesauce!
34
00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:13,172
Wha?!
How did he --
35
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:16,108
That's his signature move --
Crisscross applesauce.
36
00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:18,610
That's why he rules
the playground, fool.
37
00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:20,846
Crisscross applesauce!
38
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,816
Crisscross applesauce!
39
00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:25,918
Crisscross apple--
40
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:26,852
[ Bone crunches ]
41
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:27,753
[ All gasp ]
42
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,421
Oh, my ankle!
43
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:33,425
Ooh, sweet Baby Jesus!
Not Applesauce!
44
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,261
Noooooooooo!
45
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:37,596
Get up, Applesauce!
46
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,998
You gotta get up!
47
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:45,237
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
48
00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:49,074
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
49
00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:52,311
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
50
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:56,548
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
51
00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:01,820
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
52
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:04,056
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
53
00:02:04,058 --> 00:02:05,357
Aah!
54
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:09,995
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
55
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:13,065
[ Slow beat playing ]
56
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:20,806
¶ 3:30 in the afternoon ¶
57
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:22,674
¶ I should be
doing my homework ¶
58
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:24,476
¶ Inside my own room ¶
59
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,112
¶ But bad luck ¶
60
00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,814
¶ Got me all messed up ¶
61
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:31,250
¶ I'm in the locker room
and now I'm stuck ¶
62
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:33,652
¶ Guess I'm a goner now ¶
63
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,088
¶ See, I was walking,
Snot was talking ¶
64
00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:38,190
¶ I remembered something ¶
65
00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,425
¶ I'd forgotten
to grab my wallet ¶
66
00:02:40,427 --> 00:02:42,361
¶ Because I was rushing ¶
67
00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:45,831
¶ Then he said, "I'm fittin'
to go to my grandma's house" ¶
68
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,100
¶ I shrugged
and I turned around ¶
69
00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:50,536
¶ Back to the school,
¶ but then who did I found? ¶
¶ Mertz ¶
70
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,538
¶ "Oh, no" ¶
71
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:54,540
¶ This is not
who I want to see ¶
72
00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:56,775
¶ Was running
till I saw an opening ¶
73
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:59,144
¶ And now the whole
soccer team's bound to freak ¶
74
00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:01,146
[ Falsetto voice ]
¶ She's approaching the locker ¶
75
00:03:01,148 --> 00:03:03,215
¶ They're done
practicing soccer ¶
76
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,184
¶ She's opening the locker ¶
77
00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:09,188
¶ Wish there was some way
to block her ¶
78
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:19,164
[ Shatters ]
79
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,732
I'm going down
to the corner
80
00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,668
to get drunk
with the other losers.
81
00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:25,637
Roger, I'm not so sure about
your new crew.
82
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,406
Oh, I guess you think
they're losers, huh?
83
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,474
Why are you going down there,
anyway?
84
00:03:29,476 --> 00:03:31,810
Because I got
a hairline fracture in my leg.
85
00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,345
I'm washed up!
86
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:36,481
Now I'm never gonna win
the two-on-two tournament.
87
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:38,383
That was
my one true dream.
88
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,586
That doesn't mean
your life is over, Roger.
89
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,187
You're walking around fine.
90
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,056
Yeah, but the doctor says
I can't ball.
91
00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,424
Body can't handle
92
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:48,894
the quick cuts, the spins,
the crisscross.
93
00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:50,696
And without the crisscross,
94
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,599
I'm just some guy
yelling about applesauce.
95
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:57,336
Stan,
I'm worried about Roger.
96
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,738
Really? I'm more worried about
Frankenstein.
97
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,273
He's absolutely terrifying.
98
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:02,708
Come on, Stan.
99
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:05,210
Don't the guys at your
basketball game play slow
100
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:06,511
so no one gets hurt?
101
00:04:06,513 --> 00:04:08,280
Oh, no!
No way I'm inviting Roger.
102
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:10,115
I asked to play with him
last week,
103
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,717
and he called me
an old head.
104
00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:13,585
Well, now he's the one
who's old.
105
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:14,786
I could school him.
106
00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,221
Actually...
107
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:19,224
Maybe Roger should
come play with me.
108
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:24,396
Yeah. Maybe that's exactly what
old Roger needs right now.
109
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:25,597
Thank you, Stan.
110
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,099
But it worries me,
111
00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:29,368
that bad-guy thing
you're doing with your hands.
112
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:30,969
[ Lisping ]
Oh, does it?
113
00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:38,610
Man, no one could guard me
in my day.
114
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,445
I made fools look foolish.
115
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,748
You were straight up legend,
E-Money.
116
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:44,149
Roger!
What's up?
You need weed?
117
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,417
Get in the car.
118
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,486
Oh, he needs
a little something else.
119
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,288
I'm gonna go blow
this guy.
120
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:52,391
You on fire today,
Applesauce!
[ Car door closes ]
121
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,159
[ Slow beat playing ]
122
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,595
Steve: ¶ So these girls pull me
out of the locker ¶
123
00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:59,097
¶ Talkin' about, "What the hell
you doing up in here?" ¶
124
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,767
¶ I'm like, "Hold up [bleep]
you need to lower your voice ¶
125
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:03,402
¶ Do I make myself clear?" ¶
126
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,437
¶ She like, "Whoa,
who you calling a [bleep]?"
127
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,272
¶ I'm like, "You" ¶
¶ She like, "Who?" ¶
128
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:08,507
¶ I'm like, "You, [bleep] ¶
129
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,008
¶ Wait, hold up,
let me explain ¶
130
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,643
¶ All the shit
I been going through ¶
131
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,111
¶ Now, let's start over ¶
132
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,346
¶ My name's Steve ¶
133
00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:16,315
¶ It's nice to meet you,
ladies" ¶
134
00:05:16,317 --> 00:05:17,916
¶ "Cut that bullcrap, Steve ¶
135
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,319
¶ We know that you've been
acting shady ¶
136
00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:22,187
¶ So, listen close ¶
137
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:24,189
¶ 'Cause this is what
we are gonna go ¶
138
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:26,258
¶ When somebody's creeping,
we call in Jewel" ¶
139
00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:27,526
¶ "Not Jewel" ¶
140
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:29,127
¶ "Yes, Jewel" ¶
141
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,495
¶ Oh, no ¶
142
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:33,432
¶ Jewel looks like
a grown-ass man ¶
143
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:34,700
¶ 14 years old ¶
144
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:37,469
¶ At least 215 pounds ¶
145
00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:39,104
¶ She's coming at me ¶
146
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,606
¶ And this is when things
start to get foolish ¶
147
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:44,276
¶ The roof caved in
on top of her ¶
148
00:05:44,278 --> 00:05:46,611
[ Falsetto voice ]
¶ Oh, my God, it's Lewis ¶
149
00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:48,847
[ Echoing ] ¶ Lewis, Lewis ¶
150
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:54,986
Stan,
is this a basketball gym?
151
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,788
I told you,
my playing days are over.
152
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:59,391
Yeah, but I was thinking maybe
this is more your speed.
153
00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:05,897
[ Bone crunches, ball bounces ]
154
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,699
I don't know, Stan.
155
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,000
You think I'll fit in?
156
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,402
Hey, everyone,
I brought a new guy.
157
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,137
His name is --
Billy Jesusworth.
158
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:13,638
Billy Jesusworth,
159
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,575
this is Jackson, Dick, Buckle,
Shaquille O'Neal.
160
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,243
Shaq plays here?
161
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:21,012
Us old heads got to get
some games whenever we can.
162
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,181
For me,
it's all about the joy.
163
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:25,217
Buckle plays here?!
164
00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:26,752
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
165
00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:30,555
Stan!
Easy, Stan.
166
00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:34,993
Face!
167
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:38,997
Aagh!
168
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:43,001
Bucket!
And the foul!
169
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,736
Why are you doing this
to me?
170
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,171
Because you called me old.
171
00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,440
You're the one who's old.
You're washed up.
172
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:51,276
What, so you just brought me
here to make me look stupid?
173
00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:54,279
[ Sobbing ]
174
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:55,580
Damn, Stan.
175
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,182
And you said
that guy was your friend.
176
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,583
That's cold-blooded.
177
00:06:58,585 --> 00:06:59,918
Shaq could use
someone like you
178
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,219
for the two-on-two
tournament.
179
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,422
Hey, you serious right now?
180
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:04,790
Absolutely.
181
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,425
You seem like
the toughest dude out here.
182
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:07,626
You noticed!
183
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:09,594
Oh, my heart is soaring
right now!
184
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:12,264
[ Roger sobbing ]
185
00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:14,599
The far doors are locked.
I'm gonna try the other ones.
186
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,735
[ Sobbing continues ]
187
00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:22,441
[ Door opens ]
188
00:07:22,443 --> 00:07:24,309
Hey, how was basketball?
189
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:27,212
Awesome! Shaquille O'Neal
asked me to be his partner
190
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,780
for the Uptown Throw-Down!
191
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,249
But the best part was
I totally schooled Roger.
192
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:34,886
Stan, the whole reason I asked
you to take Roger to your game
193
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,621
was to build
his confidence.
194
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:39,591
As usual, your reason and mine
were totally different.
195
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,460
I took him because
he was being a dick to me
196
00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:43,128
and I wanted to crush
his will to live.
197
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,797
He's your friend.
Look at him.
198
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:50,402
Stan, can you do me one last act
of kindness and start the car?
199
00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:59,244
Fine. I'll take him back
to the game and I'll play nice.
200
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,946
But if I get the ball
behind the arc and I'm open,
201
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:02,347
I'm gonna drill threes
over him.
202
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:04,149
I'm a shooter,
and a shooter gotta shoot.
203
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:06,685
Stan,
I don't know basketball,
204
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,920
but I can tell
by the way you're talking
205
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,755
that you're not good at it.
206
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:16,495
Steve: ¶ 3:47
in Principal Lewis' room ¶
207
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:18,530
¶ This fool is having
a panic attack ¶
208
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:19,831
¶ I hope this is over soon ¶
209
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,466
¶ He was talking about ¶
210
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:22,868
[ Deep voice ] ¶ "Budget cuts ¶
211
00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:24,536
¶ No pest control for months ¶
212
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:26,705
¶ I wasn't perving
or looking at butts ¶
213
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,173
¶ I was in the A.C., man,
hunting for rats ¶
214
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,175
¶ I swear to God" ¶
215
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,043
[ Normal voice ] ¶ "Man, that's
your business, not my business ¶
216
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,812
¶ I don't need no update" ¶
217
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:35,380
[ Deep voice ]
¶ "I got a new woman ¶
218
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:38,216
¶ So we need to get
our stories straight" ¶
219
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,352
[ Normal voice ]
¶ "We? What the [bleep]
you talkin' 'bout, man? ¶
220
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,320
¶ There's no 'we'" ¶
221
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,556
[ Deep voice ] ¶ "Steve, if
my new woman hear about this ¶
222
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:46,892
¶ Man, she gon' leave" ¶
[ Muffled sneeze ]
223
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,160
¶ "Wait,
what the heck was that? ¶
224
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,162
¶ Sounded like a rat" ¶
225
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:54,065
[ Normal voice ]
¶ Then he pulled out
a Jericho 9 millimeter ¶
226
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,300
¶ Started busting ¶
227
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,068
[ Gunshots ]
228
00:08:57,070 --> 00:09:00,405
¶ And just when I thought
it couldn't get more scary ¶
229
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,173
[ Falsetto voice ]
¶ When he opened the door ¶
230
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:05,577
¶ The rat turned out to be
Secretary Mary ¶
231
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,779
[ Echoing ] ¶ Mary, Mary ¶
232
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:13,685
Listen, guys, after you
demoralized Billy yesterday,
233
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:14,853
he tried to kill himself.
234
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,855
Hey, me, too!
No way!
235
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:19,758
I was thinking maybe this time
we could take it easy on him,
236
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,059
let him hit a couple shots.
237
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,327
Makes sense to me.
238
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,362
The Spurs
won two NBA champions
239
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:27,132
because the commissioner was
worried Tim Duncan looked sad.
240
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:32,437
Stan: Shoot!
241
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:38,276
Shoot!
242
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:40,545
[ Groans ]
243
00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:42,113
Come on, Billy!
Shoot!
244
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:43,615
Billy,
I believe in you!
245
00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:48,687
Swish!
246
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:50,555
Nice shot.
You nailed it.
247
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:52,357
I did?!
248
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:55,894
Yeah, baby.
That's automatic for me.
249
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:58,463
Dunk!
250
00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,065
Nice assist, Shaq.
251
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,634
You guys can't leave
me and Shaq open like that.
252
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:03,835
We'll make you pay.
253
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,273
I'll take it from here.
254
00:10:19,553 --> 00:10:21,286
Better grab a poncho,
boys.
255
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:24,990
It's gonna be raining
from this spot all day.
256
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:27,993
Steve: ¶ So, I'm speeding down
the street ¶
257
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:31,162
¶ Reaching for my phone,
about to have a fit ¶
258
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:35,000
¶ I'm calling the one dude who
can help me out of this mess ¶
[ Dialing ]
259
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,167
¶ Br-ring ¶
260
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:37,736
¶ "Come on, Snot, I need you ¶
261
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:40,739
¶ To pick up
the damn phone right now" ¶
262
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:44,309
¶ And the next part's
so jacked up that it hurts ¶
263
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:47,412
[ Falsetto voice ] ¶ The dude
that picked up wasn't Snot ¶
264
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:49,981
¶ It was [Echoing] Mertz ¶
265
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,249
Hello?
266
00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:57,122
Great news, everybody.
267
00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:59,824
Heinrich asked me
to be his two-on-two partner.
268
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,326
All: Oh!
269
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,995
Nice ballin' today, Hooper.
Quit biting on my fake.
270
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,031
Dick, if you're gonna bank it,
better call glass.
271
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,198
Stan!
272
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,833
Stan,
I just want to thank you.
273
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,502
I thought
I was finished playing ball,
274
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,537
but you took the time
to lift me up
275
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,139
and show me
I could still hoop.
276
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,640
I am in your debt.
277
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:18,276
Well, I'm just glad to see you
back to your old self.
278
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,811
And you're
a pretty good baller,
279
00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:21,846
which is why I'm not going
to take you lightly
280
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,349
when I face you in the tourney
with my new partner,
281
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:25,817
Shaquille O'Neal!
282
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:28,620
But -- but we're supposed
to play together.
283
00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:30,021
Sorry, Stan.
284
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,790
I don't believe
man's fate is predetermined.
285
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,858
We're all endowed
with free will.
286
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,695
And I'm using mine
to change basketball partners.
287
00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:38,163
You knew
he was my partner!
288
00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:39,864
Shaquille,
let's talk strategy.
289
00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,399
Now,
if you're uncomfortable
290
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:43,468
with me walking
with my arm around your waist,
291
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:44,969
I could also
walk behind you
292
00:11:44,971 --> 00:11:47,405
with my hands clasped
in front of your abdomen.
293
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:54,045
I love the Panda.
294
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:57,315
Double orange chicken,
all day, every day.
295
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,684
I know they called us
the Dream Team in '96,
296
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,886
but to me,
the real Dream Team
297
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:04,189
is this beef
and this broccoli.
298
00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:06,191
You deserve this
more than I do.
299
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:08,760
Oh, hello, Roger.
Didn't know I'd see you here.
300
00:12:08,762 --> 00:12:11,730
Just came in because
my new teammate for
the tourney was hungry.
301
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,932
Oh,
have you met Yao Ming?
302
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:15,366
Yao Ming?!
303
00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:16,935
But, uh, what?!
304
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:20,839
That's right. I got legendary
monster freak Yao Ming.
305
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,340
Hey, Shaq.
306
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,909
[ Conversing in Mandarin ]
307
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:37,922
You're talking about me.
308
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,424
I know you're talking about me,
Shaquille.
309
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:53,304
So...
310
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,539
Yao and I
are gonna team up.
311
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:55,974
Hope we're cool.
312
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:59,110
No, we're not cool!
Why would we be cool?!
313
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:01,045
This is your fault, Stan!
314
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,915
Shaq was my chance
to get back on top,
and you ruined it!
315
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:04,949
I hate you!
316
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,986
[ Sobbing ]
317
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:15,326
[ Sobbing continues ]
318
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:17,929
Steve: ¶ I'm tripping ¶
319
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,265
¶ What the heck is going on? ¶
320
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:22,100
¶ Maybe I called
the wrong number ¶
321
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:24,002
¶ And got the wrong phone ¶
322
00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:26,504
¶ But the doors are open ¶
323
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,606
¶ Smells like potpourri ¶
324
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,341
¶ I walk in,
and what do I see? ¶
325
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:33,344
¶ Snot and Mertz playin' Risk ¶
326
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,246
¶ "I'm betrayed,
my favorite game ¶
327
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:37,448
¶ You're playing
with that bully ¶
328
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,651
¶ What, now y'all close? ¶
¶ Wait [Gasps] ¶
329
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:42,453
[ Falsetto voice ] ¶ You're
drinking milk and cookies?" ¶
330
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:43,922
¶ Snot was like, "Listen" ¶
331
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,490
¶ "No-no, no, no, no" ¶
332
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,158
¶ "I can explain" ¶
333
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,594
¶ "Well, then, go ahead
and explain yourself" ¶
334
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:51,696
[ Normal voice ]
¶ Then Mertz jumped up, said ¶
335
00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:54,465
¶ "I'll explain
so that you two will cool it ¶
336
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,868
¶ See, his dad died
and my dad died ¶
337
00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:58,703
¶ And Risk is therapeutic" ¶
338
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:00,605
¶ I was like, "Amen" ¶
339
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,540
¶ Snot was like, "Amen to that ¶
340
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:03,608
¶ I love Risk" ¶
341
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:04,976
¶ "I love Risk, too" ¶
342
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,778
¶ "Damn,
y'all bonded over Risk ¶
343
00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:08,179
¶ That's beautif--" ¶
344
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:11,115
¶ Principal Lewis
kicked in the door ¶
345
00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:12,884
¶ Waving a .44 ¶
346
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,687
¶ Talking about, "Don't speak,
don't move no more" ¶
347
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,622
¶ But Snot's mom came in
and said ¶
348
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,123
¶ "Lewis, baby,
put down that gun ¶
349
00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:20,291
¶ And uncock it" ¶
350
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,359
¶ And that's when we noticed ¶
351
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,861
¶ They was wearing ¶
352
00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:24,963
[ Falsetto voice ]
¶ The very same locket ¶
353
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:27,131
[ Echoing ] ¶ Locket, locket ¶
354
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:28,766
¶ Locket ¶
355
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:33,438
[ Insects chirping ]
356
00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:37,308
You here to rub in the fact
357
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:39,577
that you cost me the most
important thing in my life?
358
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:43,248
You stole my partner after
I invited you into my game!
359
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:44,549
What kind of friend
does that?
360
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:47,819
Oh, my God.
You're right.
361
00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:49,888
I just got crazy 'cause...
362
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:52,056
'cause I wanted to compete
at the highest level.
363
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,726
You still can --
if we play together.
364
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:55,894
You and me?
365
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:58,263
Maybe if
I was still Applesauce.
366
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,999
Roger, you don't need to be
Applesauce to be good.
367
00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:02,734
Applesauce was
a young blood.
368
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:05,670
He only succeeded on athleticism
and God-given talent.
369
00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:07,272
True.
True.
370
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,574
But you can learn
to play like an old head.
371
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:12,110
Those guys that play with us,
they all used to be young.
372
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,678
Buckle used to be able
to dunk.
373
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,946
Really?
374
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:17,048
And Shaq used to play
in the NBA.
375
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,082
No way!
376
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,450
But all those guys got old
377
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,386
and learned
to change their style.
378
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:22,887
They learned
to use their elbows,
379
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:24,856
they learned to grab
their opponents' jerseys
380
00:15:24,858 --> 00:15:25,890
as they ran by.
381
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:27,625
And you can learn, too.
382
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:29,027
What do you say?
383
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,265
[ Kurtis Blow's "Basketball"
plays ]
And so the lesson begins
384
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,967
¶ We love that basketball ¶
385
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:40,571
¶ Now rapping basketball --
number one, Kurtis Blow ¶
386
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:42,707
¶ Basketball
is my favorite sport ¶
387
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,809
¶ I like the way they dribble
up and down the court ¶
388
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:47,211
¶ Just like I'm the king
on the microphone ¶
389
00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:49,280
¶ So is Dr. J and Moses Malone ¶
390
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,916
¶ I like slam dunks
and takin' it to the hoop ¶
391
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:54,652
¶ My favorite play
is the alley-oop ¶
[ Cheers and applause ]
392
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:56,321
We did it.
393
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,389
It was hard-fought,
and we were having so much fun,
394
00:15:58,391 --> 00:15:59,824
we were halfway
through the tournament
395
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:01,459
before I even realized
we were playing it.
396
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,963
But we did it!
We made it to the finals.
397
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:07,532
[ Slow beat playing ]
398
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:12,303
Steve:
¶ Now we all on the floor ¶
399
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,238
¶ Feelin' clueless ¶
400
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:18,343
¶ It's hard to believe that
Snot's mom was banging Lewis ¶
401
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:19,978
¶ Then Lewis says ¶
402
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,080
[ Deep voice ]
¶ "It's been a hell of a day ¶
403
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:24,082
¶ I'm glad this whole thing
is out ¶
404
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,117
¶ Wait,
why you wearing a negligee? ¶
405
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:30,989
¶ How'd you even know that
you was fittin' to see me? ¶
406
00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:34,959
¶ And whose clothes are those
thrown over the TV?" ¶
407
00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:36,694
[ Normal voice ]
¶ And Snot's mom was like ¶
408
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,129
¶ "But -- b-b-b-b" ¶
409
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,864
¶ Stuttering
all over the place ¶
410
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:42,700
¶ And Lewis says, "Girl,
unless you got Parkinson's ¶
411
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:45,169
¶ Start talking straight" ¶
412
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,038
¶ "Baby, is everything okay?" ¶
413
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,773
[ Deep voice ]
¶ "Wait, hold up ¶
414
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,041
¶ I know this ain't the dude
that's the reason ¶
415
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,477
¶ For the cabaret lingerie" ¶
416
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,445
[ Normal voice ]
¶ Then Lewis starts
waving his gun around ¶
417
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,614
¶ And busting shots off
in the closet ¶
418
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,516
¶ Then Greg fell out,
cried, "Avery ¶
419
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,618
¶ How could you be
so dishonest?" ¶
420
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,053
¶ Snot's mom screamed ¶
421
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:04,288
¶ Now Greg's pager's
flashing blue ¶
422
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:06,391
¶ He says,
"My bae's got a clue" ¶
423
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:08,826
¶ Next thing,
his man is in the room ¶
424
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:13,331
¶ Seven minutes later,
12 adults with they guns out ¶
425
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,900
¶ Talking about, "You [bleep]
her and I [bleep] him" ¶
426
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:17,402
¶ While they all scream
and shout ¶
427
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,370
¶ But then...¶
428
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,473
¶ Principal Lewis
started laughing ¶
429
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:26,411
¶ Just sitting there, giggling
to himself, just laughing ¶
430
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,079
¶ He said
[Deep voice] "Well, now that
431
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:31,015
¶ We've all
made the connection ¶
432
00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:35,086
¶ I hope everybody
was using protection" ¶
433
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:38,556
[ Normal voice ]
¶ And they all started laughing
because, of course, nobody had ¶
434
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,159
¶ Snot's mom, Greg, and Stelio ¶
435
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:42,927
¶ And this new couple --
Gina and Chad ¶
436
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:46,164
¶ They was all just laughin' ¶
437
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,433
¶ Just giggling and laughin' ¶
438
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,668
¶ And we snuck out
while they was laughin' ¶
439
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:52,870
Francine: Steve, I don't know
why you're telling me this now,
440
00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:55,673
and I don't know why
you're singing the whole story,
441
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:59,043
but your dad and Roger
are about to play in the finals.
442
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:01,045
Okay, singing may have been
a bad choice.
443
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,713
But that's a crazy story,
right?
444
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:03,881
Wait...
445
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,117
Did Lewis
murder his secretary?
446
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:08,219
The finals, Hayley!
447
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,454
[ Whistle blows ]
448
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:12,356
Okay,
every basket is one point.
449
00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:14,692
First team to 11, wins.
450
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:17,195
Whoever catches this
has to kiss me.
451
00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:19,897
[ Hip hop beat plays ]
452
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:21,365
¶ Slam, da-da-dat ¶
453
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:23,534
Can't pass
where you can't see!
454
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:24,602
¶ Let the boys be boys ¶
455
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,104
¶ Slam, slam ¶
456
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:27,205
¶ Da-da-dat ¶
457
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,372
¶ Da-da-dat ¶
458
00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:31,275
¶ Let the boys be boys ¶
459
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:33,878
[ Both panting ]
460
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,247
Man, these guys are good.
461
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:37,482
I got a plan.
462
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,550
The next time Shaq goes
to the rim,
463
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:40,651
let him dunk.
464
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:44,555
Hey, Shaq, looks like the only
thing you're dunking these days
465
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:45,656
is doughnuts!
466
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,992
Oh!
Up top, ref!
467
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:50,628
[ Creak, clatter ]
468
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,230
Aah!
469
00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:54,465
This thing crushed my legs.
470
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:58,302
Who says an old head
can't learn a new trick?
471
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:00,571
And now that
Yao doesn't have a teammate,
472
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:02,807
I guess we win by forfeit.
473
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:05,309
Wait.
I will beat them by myself.
474
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,445
[ Gasps ]
He speaks English.
475
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:08,513
¶ Look for the hook ¶
476
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,148
¶ Look for the hook ¶
477
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,350
¶ Everybody, everybody,
here comes the hook ¶
478
00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:13,417
¶ Look for the hook ¶
479
00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:15,019
¶ Look for the hook ¶
480
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:16,921
¶ Everybody, everybody,
here comes the hook ¶
481
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,756
¶ Back to the studio
to make another hit ¶
482
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:19,991
¶ On the tip of being funky ¶
483
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,159
¶ This is funky as it get ¶
484
00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:22,593
¶ If ya trip, watch your lip ¶
485
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:23,961
¶ With a quick fast
and tip fast ¶
486
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:24,996
¶ Like I did when I...¶
487
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:26,464
This is it, Roger.
488
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:28,966
We need one basket.
One basket to win it all.
489
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,868
And we've got trick left.
490
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,504
Stan, I can't blow this guy
in front of all these people.
491
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:34,539
No!
492
00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:36,774
Crisscross applesauce.
493
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:39,177
But, Stan,
I'm too old for that move.
494
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:40,378
No, you're not.
495
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:41,979
You may be an old head,
496
00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:44,315
but your heart
pumps young blood.
497
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:47,018
Hell yeah, it does!
Forget that doctor!
498
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:50,755
Doctors are stupid, Roger.
They're just failed dentists.
499
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,899
Crisscross applesau-- Aah!
500
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:05,269
[ Both screaming ]
501
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:15,213
Yao, stop!
502
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:18,049
[ Triumphant music playing ]
503
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,433
The doctor said
your leg was gonna break
504
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:37,201
if you ever tried
that move.
505
00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:39,437
And Yao had been
guarding you close all day.
506
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:41,872
It was simple math to know
that your exposed bone
507
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,874
would pierce his calf
and take him out.
508
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:45,009
Great call, Stan.
509
00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:46,944
And we got the hardware,
baby!
510
00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:48,212
Mwah!
511
00:20:48,214 --> 00:20:49,447
We should have been
champions.
512
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:51,215
This is a Shaq-rage!
513
00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:52,683
Klaus:
You did your best,
514
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,418
but you came up
a little short.
515
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:55,720
There's always
next year.
516
00:20:55,722 --> 00:20:57,221
What?
Who are you?
517
00:20:57,223 --> 00:21:02,193
Oh, guys.
I'm Klaus.
518
00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:04,161
Have a great night!