1
00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:05,537
Ugh, why are you dragging us
to church with you?
2
00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:08,440
We were gonna find Jeff the
perfect pair of overalls today.
3
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,976
It's always the chest pocket
that's the dealbreaker.
4
00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:13,312
When it comes to overalls,
you can't settle.
5
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,014
It's why Kris Kross
split up.
6
00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:16,882
It's Wiggity-wiggity-wiggity
sad.
7
00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:20,219
This family goes to church
on Easter, end of story.
8
00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:21,787
Well, Roger's part
of the family.
9
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,022
Why doesn't he have to go?
10
00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:25,524
Roger goes to church,
just not ours.
11
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,026
(upbeat hymn music playing)
12
00:00:27,028 --> 00:00:28,460
¶ You got to have ¶
¶ Power ¶
13
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,462
¶ All you need is ¶
¶ Power ¶
14
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,898
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
15
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:34,199
Oh!
16
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,635
Brother Jenkins
is feeling it!
17
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:39,538
Jesus, take my feet!
18
00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:44,910
Okay, kids, get ready to find
those Easter eggs.
19
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,478
Aren't you too old
for this?
20
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,213
You're never too old
to have fun.
21
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,548
(whistle blows)
(thud!)
22
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,050
(indistinct shouting)
Boy: Over here!
23
00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,985
And stay down!
24
00:00:57,858 --> 00:01:01,260
Bow to your leader,
the King of eggs!
25
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:03,996
Hey, kid in the middle
you're faking!
26
00:01:03,998 --> 00:01:07,232
Aaatomic Easter drop!
27
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:10,035
(patriotic music plays)
28
00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:12,905
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
29
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:16,341
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
30
00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:19,678
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
31
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:23,749
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
32
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:28,954
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
33
00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:31,256
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
34
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,591
Aah!
35
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:37,262
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
36
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:41,900
Which is why, on this day,
37
00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:44,470
we remember what happened
in Galilee.
38
00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:46,939
Psst!
Red hat!
39
00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,207
Red hat!
40
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,745
Stan, who is that?
41
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:56,582
If I play my cards right,
a new friend.
42
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:59,284
Mr. Smith, your son
has outgrown Sunday school.
43
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:01,653
Smart, lady -- get rid
of the one kid who can kind of
44
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,322
go to the bathroom by himself.
45
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:06,058
-Sit!
-Okay.
46
00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:08,727
So, this is
adult services?
47
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,496
The place is bigger
than I imagined.
48
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,264
Were we supposed to bring
our own cushions, or --
49
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,565
Shh!
50
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:16,935
And the disciples
found his tomb empty
51
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:20,172
because he had risen
from the dead, and then --
52
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:23,108
So -- so Jesus was
like a zombie?
53
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:24,977
Like in
"The Walking Dead"?
54
00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:27,613
...Shall ye be told
what shall be made...
55
00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:29,248
I wish Chris Hardwick
were here
56
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:31,517
to giddily explain
these confusing plot points.
57
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,018
Shh!
58
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,187
Doubting Thomas himself
stepped forward...
59
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:38,190
Doubting Thomas stuck his finger
in Jesus' what?
60
00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,692
Am I the only one here who
thinks this is totally weird?!
61
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:41,960
-Shh!
-Quiet!
62
00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:43,629
-Please!
-Come on!
63
00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:45,764
Is anyone
actually buying this?
64
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,666
Steve, you're destroying
all the groundwork
65
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,535
I laid with red hat.
66
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:52,004
¶¶
67
00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:54,973
My own son,
a Godless heathen.
68
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:57,643
Ehh, got to admit,
he made a few good points.
69
00:02:57,645 --> 00:02:59,945
That's it, hash Browns
for believers only.
70
00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,147
Okay, dad, if you're such
a good Christian,
71
00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:04,349
why weren't you
paying attention in church?
72
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:05,984
'Cause I'm already
a believer.
73
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,153
Religion solves all
the big problems for me.
74
00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:09,721
Life after death?
Solved!
75
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,490
Meaning of existence?
Solved!
76
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:14,459
Now I can spend my time
focusing on things I enjoy,
77
00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:16,995
like complaining about
the terrible service!
78
00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,363
What?!
79
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:21,033
This place sucks.
80
00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:23,368
Now, back
to the big picture.
81
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,571
Imagine life is like
a really hard class
82
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:28,974
that you're for sure gonna fail,
but then you open your textbook,
83
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:32,010
and you see some nerd wrote
all the answers in it for you.
84
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:35,247
Well, this guy you've got
the balls to call a nerd?
85
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:39,585
That's God,
and your textbook, the Bible.
86
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:43,322
But it's just a bunch of crazy
folk tales and impossible stuff.
87
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:46,391
Nonsense. Every word
of the Bible is 100% true.
88
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,493
Oh, really?
And what makes you so sure?
89
00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:50,562
Because it's the greatest book
ever written.
90
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,197
All the best stories
are in there.
91
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:53,699
Noah's ark,
David and Goliath,
92
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,767
the Princess and the pea,
"Steamboat Willie,"
93
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,237
the story of the rabbit
who stole the children's cereal,
94
00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:00,906
the man who says,
"Now, that's a spicy meatball!"
95
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,076
Uhh, Dad?
96
00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:07,045
Have you ever, you know,
actually read the Bible?
97
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:09,715
Why would I? That's what
the talking guy at church does.
98
00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:12,217
If there was something
fishy in there, he'd
have caught it by now.
99
00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:13,885
He's obsessed
with that thing.
100
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:16,255
Well, maybe you should
go read it.
Fine, I will.
101
00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:17,856
In fact,
I tell you what, Steve.
102
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,358
We'll read
the Bible together.
103
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,959
It's about time
someone instilled
104
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,394
a little faith
into you.
105
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:24,563
(scoffs) Please.
Faith is for suckers.
106
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:27,532
(gasps dramatically)
107
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:29,201
Stan?!
108
00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:31,303
(continues gasping)
109
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,472
Daddy,
please stop gasping!
110
00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:34,806
(continues gasping)
111
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:44,082
Here we are,
the family Bible.
112
00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:46,118
I see you got it
at Waldenbooks.
113
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,619
Yes, Waldenbooks.
114
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,488
Don't you have respect
for anything?
115
00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:51,823
No better place to start than
at the beginning.
116
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:54,993
"In the beginning -- "
right spot, good start --
117
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:57,162
"God created
the heavens and the Earth.
118
00:04:57,164 --> 00:05:00,632
On the first day, God separated
light and darkness."
119
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,301
See? Simple enough.
-Hmm.
120
00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:04,670
Well, down here, it says
that on the fourth day,
121
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,338
God created
the sun and stars.
122
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,973
Tell me,
how could light exist
123
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,941
before the sun and stars
were created?
124
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:11,410
Well, there's got
to be an explanation.
125
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:12,811
(snaps fingers)
And here it is.
126
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,913
Probably God has lasers.
(lasers blasting)
127
00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:20,419
The Adam and Eve story.
128
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:23,355
I defy you to find
even a single flaw with this.
129
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:26,692
It says that Adam lived
to be 930 years old.
130
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:29,127
That's a big number,
but you got to remember,
131
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,662
this was before doctors,
132
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:33,165
so cancer and that kind of stuff
didn't exist yet.
133
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,700
Cain was married?
134
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,601
How could Cain
possibly have had a wife
135
00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:38,870
when the only other people
in existence at the time
136
00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:40,439
were his parents
and brother?
137
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:43,675
Steve, guys like Cain
always end up with the girl.
138
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,711
Scratch that --
still makes no sense.
139
00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:49,014
Um, uh, might have
to come back to that one.
140
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:52,818
The ark is filled with thousands
upon thousands of animals.
141
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,787
How were each of them fed and
tended to by just eight people?
142
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,889
Uh...
143
00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:01,126
And how did a dove return
with an Olive leaf,
144
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:03,662
when no Olive tree
could possibly survive
145
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,497
an apocalyptic flood?
146
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,466
Oh, God, I don't know!
147
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,801
And the ark --
a boat this size
148
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:12,237
could never hold
two of every animal.
149
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:13,905
The ark would have
to be, like,
150
00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,807
the size
of four baseball stadiums.
151
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,042
(creaking)
152
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,510
(cow mooing)
(monkey hooting)
153
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,479
No boat that's big!
I'm drowning!
154
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:21,980
I'm drowning
in your logic!
155
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,882
Oh, God, my faith.
156
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,385
Everything I believe,
it's all crazy.
157
00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:28,053
It's crazy baloney.
158
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:31,490
It's not crazy baloney
because crazy baloney is real.
159
00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:33,925
It's called pepperoni.
160
00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:41,433
I don't know
who I am anymore.
161
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:44,569
Without my faith,
I'm -- I'm nothing.
162
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,171
That's not true.
163
00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,707
You're a husband, a father.
-That means nothing!
164
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:52,444
Stan, maybe you don't need to be
so literal with the Bible.
165
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:56,348
You know, a lot of people see it
as a set of instructive fables.
166
00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:58,717
Fables? You want me to base
my entire life
167
00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:00,619
on a bunch
of imaginary fairy tales?
168
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,954
That would only make sense
if I was imaginary.
169
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,756
The only problem is I'm real!
170
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,125
I'm as real
as crazy baloney!
171
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:08,693
(sobs)
172
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,633
It's the end of the world!
173
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,568
-I know.
-You heard, too?
174
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:19,304
Kraft made their mac and cheese
even cheesier.
175
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,772
I mean,
I haven't tried it yet,
176
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,908
but I'm almost certain
it'll be too cheesy for me.
177
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,376
What?! No!
178
00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:26,545
I lost my faith.
-Oh, that.
179
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:27,979
Stan, I've been
telling you for years
180
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:29,247
religion
was a load of bull.
181
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:30,882
Why didn't you
ever listen to me?
182
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,818
No one likes
to be ignored.
183
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,753
You hurt my feelings,
184
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:36,655
but I suppose
that's all in the past.
185
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,824
I'm already over it!
-Good for you.
186
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,959
Stan, wake up!
(clapping)
187
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,227
Can't you see?
188
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,662
Without the shackles
of religion,
189
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,163
you're free to do
whatever you want.
190
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,798
Break a commandment,
break all of 'em.
191
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,099
How will that help?
192
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,101
Uh, pleasure --
ever heard of it?
193
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:51,470
Ever grokked it?
194
00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:53,839
Pleasure is the road
to happiness.
195
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,942
People talk about filling
the void as if it's a bad thing.
196
00:07:56,944 --> 00:08:00,078
It's actually full
of nerve endings.
197
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:03,348
Okay,
we'll start off small.
198
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:06,117
Sneak over to the neighbor's
porch and steal the welcome mat.
199
00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,320
I don't know, that kind of
sounds like stealing.
200
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,921
And thou shalt not do it,
201
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,524
but that's why
it'll make you feel good.
202
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,864
(giggling)
203
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:20,465
Whoo,
that did feel good.
204
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,801
Who needs God when you've got
this welcome mat?
205
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:24,936
Welcome mat's
just the beginning.
206
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,638
We're gonna go
way deeper.
207
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,709
¶¶
208
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:35,547
¶ I watched you change ¶
(glass breaks)
209
00:08:38,452 --> 00:08:43,355
¶ Into a fly ¶
(rooster clucking)
210
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,890
(siren wails)
211
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,224
(camera shutter clicks)
212
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,994
(tires screech)
¶ I looked away ¶
213
00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:54,666
¶ You were on fire ¶
214
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,735
(door slams)
215
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:06,878
¶ I watched a change ¶
216
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,747
(camera shutter clicking)
217
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:11,516
¶ In you ¶
218
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:14,753
¶ It's like you never ¶
219
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:18,256
Umm, what did you do
with the basement?
220
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:21,159
You scared
Suck Boy Tony!
221
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:24,162
Stan, you don't seem
very happy.
222
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:26,231
(sighs) I tried everything
to fill the void
223
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,699
where my faith used
to be.
224
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,100
I'm lost, Francine.
225
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,169
Everything
is meaningless.
226
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:32,704
Tony:
Have you tried meditating?
227
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:35,607
Hey, Tony, that mouth's not
for giving advice.
228
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,375
Have you seen dad?
229
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:39,010
He's supposed to take me
to an autograph session
230
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,246
with Food & Wine magazine's
Gail Simmons
231
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,914
at Murray's
Discount Auto Store.
232
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,182
Listen to me.
233
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,184
Your father's
in really bad shape
234
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,787
because of your big-shot ideas
about the Bible.
235
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:52,591
So you need to find a way
to restore his faith real fast.
236
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,192
Me?
I don't know what to do.
237
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,261
You broke him,
you fix him!
238
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,730
Oh, and stay out
of the basement.
239
00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:00,465
The furnace has been making
240
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:04,202
a moaning and wet
slapping sound.
241
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:06,705
(thunder booms)
242
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:09,207
(keyboard clacking)
243
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,642
Okay, great.
244
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,877
I can just send him
to one of these camps.
245
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,279
Oh.
246
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,215
These are, uh,
gay conversion camps.
247
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:20,652
Wait a minute,
is that Suck Boy Tony?
248
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:23,655
(scoffs) They got their work
cut out for them.
249
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:25,657
Dad?
250
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,128
I've never seen him
like this before.
251
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,564
He's just lying out there
in the pouring rain.
252
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:35,800
(thunder booms)
The pouring rain!
253
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,969
(keyboard clacking)
254
00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:42,641
It's all meaningless.
255
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:46,611
There's no point to anything,
not even breathing.
256
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:48,313
Last one.
257
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,482
(inhales)
258
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,486
(harp music plays)
259
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,154
¶ Hallelujah ¶
260
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,189
¶ Hallelujah ¶
God?
261
00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:00,959
Is that really you?
-No, son.
262
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:03,528
I'm your brain cells
dying.
263
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:06,831
You've now forgotten
the word zebra.
264
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,299
(snaps fingers)
-Zebra?
265
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,502
Big whoop. I never heard
that word in my life.
266
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:19,444
(gasps)
Dad, come inside.
267
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:20,779
I got something to show you.
268
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:23,848
Look! It's a gigantic ship
in Korea.
269
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:28,119
So?
And it's bigger
than four baseball stadiums.
270
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,721
Like the ark.
271
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,456
Wait, is this real?
272
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,858
We thought it was impossible,
but here it is!
273
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:37,495
So, the ark could be real,
and if the ark's real,
274
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,531
everything else
just falls into place.
275
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,332
-Well...
-I can have my faith!
276
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:43,068
I can have my faith again!
277
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:44,369
Stan, you're back!
278
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,504
Of course, I am,
and better than ever.
279
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:49,641
-(laughs)
-Whoo!
280
00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:52,410
I was hopeless for so long,
but now I can see that God
281
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,679
was only testing
the strength of my faith.
282
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,381
And you
passed the test.
283
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,684
I did, so he revealed to me
through his instrument,
284
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:02,987
Steve,
the location of the new ark.
Oh, no.
285
00:12:02,989 --> 00:12:05,757
Family, be at peace,
for we must get to the ark
286
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:09,661
before the floods begin
because I am the new Noah.
287
00:12:09,663 --> 00:12:11,262
Stan?
288
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,031
You've been depressed,
289
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:17,402
and now you're just swinging
too far in the other direction.
290
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:18,670
(dog barking)
291
00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:21,573
Listen!
It's a sign.
292
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,241
-It's a bark.
-Exactly.
293
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,609
B-ark!
294
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,544
Just get rid of the "B."
Ark!
295
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:29,280
(gasps) Wait!
Bring the letter "B" back.
296
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:31,249
"B" on the ark.
297
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,184
Absolutely hilarious.
298
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:36,521
Sir, where have you been
all these years?
299
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,523
¶ Hallelujah ¶
300
00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,959
¶ Hallelujah ¶
Lord, I shall go to Korea...
301
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,061
¶ Hallelujah ¶
...And carry out
your grand design.
302
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,429
Look out, world!
303
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:47,432
God and Stan
are back together again!
304
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:51,102
It's not official till
you change your Facebook status!
305
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:59,077
Look, dad actually thinks
he's Noah.
Don't worry.
306
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,212
When he sees
that his ark is just
307
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:04,249
a liquefied natural gas ship,
he'll snap out of it.
308
00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:07,252
And go back to being the dad,
husband, and paid killer
309
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:09,788
for the U.S. government
we all know and love.
310
00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:11,656
What if this ark thing
is real?
311
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:12,957
He'll need two goldfish.
312
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,492
Do you think he'll choose me?
313
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,561
Mm, I wouldn't.
314
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:21,232
Stan...how's it going?
315
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,902
You've just
been smiling peacefully
316
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,436
for 20 hours straight.
317
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,071
Well,
why wouldn't I be smiling?
318
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:28,873
Everyone's about
to drown except us.
319
00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:37,749
Hey, watch it, buddy!
320
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:39,083
You watch it.
321
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:41,085
We have 40 tons
of overalls to unload.
322
00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:42,987
-Overalls?
-Whoa.
323
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,455
You're into overalls,
too?
324
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:45,990
I've been looking
for the perfect pair,
325
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,492
but it's so hard to find
the right...
326
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,960
Together:
...Chest pocket!
327
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:52,363
Partner,
follow my lead.
328
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,534
(whistling)
329
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:00,338
Come on, Jeff!
330
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,907
(whistling)
331
00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:07,512
There's no cone to kick!
-Just get in.
332
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:11,749
I'll explain on the way why
a second cone isn't important.
333
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:19,657
There it is --
the ark.
334
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:21,392
What a sight!
335
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:26,664
And the crescendo of emotions,
and then, satisfied,
336
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:29,167
we're ready
to go back to the car.
337
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:31,669
Are you joking?
No, we got to go on board.
338
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:34,339
Dad, I'm pretty sure they're
not gonna let us do that.
339
00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:35,673
Man: Ahoy!
340
00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:37,342
Noah!
341
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:39,611
We've been waiting for you!
342
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:45,516
Hi, I'm Robert Kim
with Daesong Heavy Industries.
343
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:49,387
I know it's kind of a shocker,
but this actually is the ark.
344
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,357
God gave Daesong direct orders
to rebuild it.
345
00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:54,259
Well, then, what's the hold-up?
Let's get on board.
346
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,693
Absolutely.
347
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,262
First, though,
in order to get you ready
348
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,730
for the flood,
we need to train you.
349
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:02,233
Once again,
you're one step ahead.
350
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,435
Sir, you can just follow
these fine folks here,
351
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:07,272
and we will
get you set up.
352
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,674
You're a great man!
Don't worry.
353
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:11,542
We know he's not a great man,
and of course,
354
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:13,344
of course
this isn't the ark.
355
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:16,114
But -- you just --
and he --
356
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:17,415
Allow me to explain.
357
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,417
Daesong builds
a lot of big ships,
358
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,619
and each time we do,
it attracts people
359
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:24,722
who have what is known
as a Noah complex.
Like my dad?
360
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,392
Lunatics like your father
can be a big nuisance,
361
00:15:27,394 --> 00:15:28,693
always sneaking on board,
362
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:30,595
slithering around
the engine room.
363
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,731
So we came up
with the Noah experience...
(fanfare plays)
364
00:15:33,733 --> 00:15:34,966
...designed
to make people feel like
365
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:36,467
they're living
through the food.
366
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,603
They go through it,
get it out of their systems,
367
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,205
then everyone heads home
happy and safely away
368
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:43,041
from our
very expensive ships.
369
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:44,809
Now if you'll follow me,
370
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:47,645
we have a wonderful assortment
of Pepperidge Farm cookies
371
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,280
awaiting you
in the family lounge.
372
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,615
Pepperidge Farm?
373
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,417
Well, well, well.
374
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,152
(smacks lips)
375
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,725
(indistinct conversations)
376
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:02,393
Who are these guys?
377
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:03,962
Fellow ark seekers,
like yourself.
378
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:07,899
So, who here is ready to start
our holy adventure?!
379
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,938
Look out!
Here comes the storm!
380
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:16,507
(thunder booms)
381
00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,510
-Whoo-hoo!
-Make it rain!
382
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:21,279
-All right!
-Yay!
383
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,081
-Yeah!
-All right!
384
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:26,017
There's something
about this I'm not buying.
385
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:28,653
Get your animals
to their pens!
386
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:32,056
Go to your pen,
you striped horse!
387
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:36,527
Hmm, got to admit
that felt pretty Noah-y.
388
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:39,430
Now let's see if
the flood waters have receded.
389
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:45,837
Hoo-ah!
390
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,039
We survived the flood!
391
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,607
It's over!
392
00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,275
We did it!
393
00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:53,444
Ark!
394
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:56,547
-Pretty exciting.
-And it worked!
395
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:57,815
-Yay!
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
396
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,517
It weeded out
all the fake Noahs.
397
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,119
-Aw, shit.
-Aw, shit.
-Aw, shit.
398
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,487
So you're not
over this?
399
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,188
The whole experience
was a sham!
400
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:06,391
I mean, sure, the animatronics
were incredible.
401
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:09,694
Yes, I had the time of my life,
and without question,
402
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,496
these are
top-quality items --
403
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,798
Things I'm going to keep
forever --
404
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,566
But still,
I was lied to!
405
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:18,069
Yeah, you shouldn't put up
with that!
406
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,471
I know -- let's go home,
407
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:23,875
and you take a bunch
of antipsychotic medication.
408
00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:26,411
That'll show 'em!
-No! This is happening!
409
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:29,580
The flood is coming, and we are
going to be on that ark!
410
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,183
Stan, come back!
411
00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:35,586
¶¶
412
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,922
Time to do some Bible thumping!
413
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:40,324
¶ The Lord said to Noah ¶
414
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:42,427
¶ There's gonna be
a floody-floody ¶
415
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:44,729
¶ The Lord said to Noah ¶
416
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:47,031
¶ There's gonna be
a floody-floody ¶
417
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:51,536
¶ Get those children
out of the muddy-muddy ¶
418
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:55,339
¶ Children of the Lord ¶
419
00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:57,575
The ark is ours!
420
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,744
Stan, we got to go.
421
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:02,280
You just threw
the whole crew in the ocean.
422
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:05,016
(laughs)
423
00:18:05,018 --> 00:18:06,184
Good work, Stan!
424
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:07,585
Hey, it just occurred
to me.
425
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,087
There were never fish
aboard the ark.
426
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:10,621
They stayed
down in the water.
427
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:13,391
No, no!
428
00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:16,294
You dipshit, there are [bleep]
sharks in there!
429
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:17,829
(splashing)
430
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,099
(creaking)
Mom, we got to get
out of here!
431
00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:23,634
What?! This is our home
for the next 40 days.
432
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,403
Let's go check it out.
(clank)
433
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,071
Steve,
this must be your room.
434
00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:29,774
Steve: Dad, this is a tank
for liquefied natural gas.
435
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,276
And would you look
at those vaulted ceilings!
436
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,046
Perfect for all
your Cheryl Tiegs posters!
437
00:18:35,048 --> 00:18:37,148
This is the room
where the pipes are.
438
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:40,284
And this one is where
the extra pipes are.
439
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,120
Oh, and this must be
the main pipe room.
440
00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:45,790
Pipes are very important
on a ship.
441
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:51,229
Okay, here's the animals,
but still no master bedroom.
442
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:54,732
There are animals here.
-No way.
443
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,268
There has to be some
logical explanation.
444
00:18:57,270 --> 00:19:00,905
Ah, this manifest says these
animals are from the Busan Zoo
445
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:03,241
being transported to
the National Zoo of Malaysia.
446
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,842
See?
It all makes sense.
447
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,745
Not really.
Even that is weird.
448
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,080
Why would a zoo use
449
00:19:09,082 --> 00:19:11,449
a natural gas ship
to transport animals?
450
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:12,750
Because...
451
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,752
(sing-song voice]
we got overalls!
452
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,487
(thunder booms)
453
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,156
It's happening!
454
00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:19,757
We didn't miss nothing.
455
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,192
Stan's still insane!
456
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,763
We have to set sail now!
457
00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:28,466
Stop!
Think for a second!
458
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:31,335
Are you really about
to steal a boat of animals
459
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:33,004
and sail off into the ocean?
460
00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,773
Listen, I know everything
at this moment
461
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,008
must look crazy to you.
462
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:38,943
For the last
thousand moments.
463
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,312
But I'm asking you,
all of you,
464
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:45,550
to take this leap with me,
to have some faith.
465
00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:48,886
I'm staying.
466
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:51,489
Steve, do you really think
this is the ark?
467
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:53,157
Look, t-there's a lot
of weird stuff
468
00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:54,859
going on
that I can't explain.
469
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,394
But you have faith.
470
00:19:56,396 --> 00:20:00,331
Yeah, but it's faith in you
'cause you're Dad.
471
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,400
-Well, that's stupid.
-Thanks, Son.
472
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:03,901
Francine?
473
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:07,205
Well, I've seen
one miracle today.
474
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,707
You've given Steve
some faith.
475
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,876
That's enough
to make me stay.
476
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:15,313
Plus, I'd like
to pet the Alpaca I saw.
477
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,248
Hayley?
478
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:18,849
What do you say,
baby girl?
479
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:21,252
No way!
This is beyond crazy.
480
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:23,421
I'll see you when
the police haul you in.
481
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,223
(thunder booms)
482
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:27,658
(Electricity crackling,
explosions)
483
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,927
Start the damn boat!
484
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:33,030
(lightning crashes)
485
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:34,899
(screaming)
486
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,001
Stan, I'm scared!
487
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:40,504
Don't worry, after every ending
is a new beginning!
488
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:41,806
Okay!
489
00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:45,009
Please, slow down!
490
00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:46,611
I'll never catch up!
491
00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:48,079
I'll die out here!
492
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,114
(gasps) My bowl!
493
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:51,682
(splash)
494
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:54,452
I'll ride out the flood
in my own ark!
495
00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:58,055
Kiss my ass, Stan,
you crazy dick head!
496
00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,357
(gasps)
497
00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:04,161
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!