1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:05,537 Ugh, why are you dragging us to church with you? 2 00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:08,440 We were gonna find Jeff the perfect pair of overalls today. 3 00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,976 It's always the chest pocket that's the dealbreaker. 4 00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:13,312 When it comes to overalls, you can't settle. 5 00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,014 It's why Kris Kross split up. 6 00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:16,882 It's Wiggity-wiggity-wiggity sad. 7 00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:20,219 This family goes to church on Easter, end of story. 8 00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:21,787 Well, Roger's part of the family. 9 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,022 Why doesn't he have to go? 10 00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:25,524 Roger goes to church, just not ours. 11 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,026 (upbeat hymn music playing) 12 00:00:27,028 --> 00:00:28,460 ¶ You got to have ¶ ¶ Power ¶ 13 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,462 ¶ All you need is ¶ ¶ Power ¶ 14 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,898 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 15 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:34,199 Oh! 16 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,635 Brother Jenkins is feeling it! 17 00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:39,538 Jesus, take my feet! 18 00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:44,910 Okay, kids, get ready to find those Easter eggs. 19 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,478 Aren't you too old for this? 20 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,213 You're never too old to have fun. 21 00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,548 (whistle blows) (thud!) 22 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,050 (indistinct shouting) Boy: Over here! 23 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,985 And stay down! 24 00:00:57,858 --> 00:01:01,260 Bow to your leader, the King of eggs! 25 00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:03,996 Hey, kid in the middle you're faking! 26 00:01:03,998 --> 00:01:07,232 Aaatomic Easter drop! 27 00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:10,035 (patriotic music plays) 28 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:12,905 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 29 00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:16,341 ¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶ 30 00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:19,678 ¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶ 31 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:23,749 ¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶ 32 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:28,954 ¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶ 33 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:31,256 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 34 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,591 Aah! 35 00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:37,262 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 36 00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:41,900 Which is why, on this day, 37 00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:44,470 we remember what happened in Galilee. 38 00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:46,939 Psst! Red hat! 39 00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,207 Red hat! 40 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,745 Stan, who is that? 41 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:56,582 If I play my cards right, a new friend. 42 00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:59,284 Mr. Smith, your son has outgrown Sunday school. 43 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:01,653 Smart, lady -- get rid of the one kid who can kind of 44 00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,322 go to the bathroom by himself. 45 00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:06,058 -Sit! -Okay. 46 00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:08,727 So, this is adult services? 47 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,496 The place is bigger than I imagined. 48 00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,264 Were we supposed to bring our own cushions, or -- 49 00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,565 Shh! 50 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:16,935 And the disciples found his tomb empty 51 00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:20,172 because he had risen from the dead, and then -- 52 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:23,108 So -- so Jesus was like a zombie? 53 00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:24,977 Like in "The Walking Dead"? 54 00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:27,613 ...Shall ye be told what shall be made... 55 00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:29,248 I wish Chris Hardwick were here 56 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:31,517 to giddily explain these confusing plot points. 57 00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,018 Shh! 58 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,187 Doubting Thomas himself stepped forward... 59 00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:38,190 Doubting Thomas stuck his finger in Jesus' what? 60 00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,692 Am I the only one here who thinks this is totally weird?! 61 00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:41,960 -Shh! -Quiet! 62 00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:43,629 -Please! -Come on! 63 00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:45,764 Is anyone actually buying this? 64 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,666 Steve, you're destroying all the groundwork 65 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,535 I laid with red hat. 66 00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:52,004 ¶¶ 67 00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:54,973 My own son, a Godless heathen. 68 00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:57,643 Ehh, got to admit, he made a few good points. 69 00:02:57,645 --> 00:02:59,945 That's it, hash Browns for believers only. 70 00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,147 Okay, dad, if you're such a good Christian, 71 00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:04,349 why weren't you paying attention in church? 72 00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:05,984 'Cause I'm already a believer. 73 00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,153 Religion solves all the big problems for me. 74 00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:09,721 Life after death? Solved! 75 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,490 Meaning of existence? Solved! 76 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:14,459 Now I can spend my time focusing on things I enjoy, 77 00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:16,995 like complaining about the terrible service! 78 00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,363 What?! 79 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:21,033 This place sucks. 80 00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:23,368 Now, back to the big picture. 81 00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,571 Imagine life is like a really hard class 82 00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:28,974 that you're for sure gonna fail, but then you open your textbook, 83 00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:32,010 and you see some nerd wrote all the answers in it for you. 84 00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:35,247 Well, this guy you've got the balls to call a nerd? 85 00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:39,585 That's God, and your textbook, the Bible. 86 00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:43,322 But it's just a bunch of crazy folk tales and impossible stuff. 87 00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:46,391 Nonsense. Every word of the Bible is 100% true. 88 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,493 Oh, really? And what makes you so sure? 89 00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:50,562 Because it's the greatest book ever written. 90 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,197 All the best stories are in there. 91 00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:53,699 Noah's ark, David and Goliath, 92 00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,767 the Princess and the pea, "Steamboat Willie," 93 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,237 the story of the rabbit who stole the children's cereal, 94 00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:00,906 the man who says, "Now, that's a spicy meatball!" 95 00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,076 Uhh, Dad? 96 00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:07,045 Have you ever, you know, actually read the Bible? 97 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:09,715 Why would I? That's what the talking guy at church does. 98 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:12,217 If there was something fishy in there, he'd have caught it by now. 99 00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:13,885 He's obsessed with that thing. 100 00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:16,255 Well, maybe you should go read it. Fine, I will. 101 00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:17,856 In fact, I tell you what, Steve. 102 00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,358 We'll read the Bible together. 103 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,959 It's about time someone instilled 104 00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,394 a little faith into you. 105 00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:24,563 (scoffs) Please. Faith is for suckers. 106 00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:27,532 (gasps dramatically) 107 00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:29,201 Stan?! 108 00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:31,303 (continues gasping) 109 00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,472 Daddy, please stop gasping! 110 00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:34,806 (continues gasping) 111 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:44,082 Here we are, the family Bible. 112 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:46,118 I see you got it at Waldenbooks. 113 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,619 Yes, Waldenbooks. 114 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,488 Don't you have respect for anything? 115 00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:51,823 No better place to start than at the beginning. 116 00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:54,993 "In the beginning -- " right spot, good start -- 117 00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:57,162 "God created the heavens and the Earth. 118 00:04:57,164 --> 00:05:00,632 On the first day, God separated light and darkness." 119 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,301 See? Simple enough. -Hmm. 120 00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:04,670 Well, down here, it says that on the fourth day, 121 00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,338 God created the sun and stars. 122 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,973 Tell me, how could light exist 123 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,941 before the sun and stars were created? 124 00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:11,410 Well, there's got to be an explanation. 125 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:12,811 (snaps fingers) And here it is. 126 00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,913 Probably God has lasers. (lasers blasting) 127 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:20,419 The Adam and Eve story. 128 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:23,355 I defy you to find even a single flaw with this. 129 00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:26,692 It says that Adam lived to be 930 years old. 130 00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:29,127 That's a big number, but you got to remember, 131 00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,662 this was before doctors, 132 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:33,165 so cancer and that kind of stuff didn't exist yet. 133 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,700 Cain was married? 134 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,601 How could Cain possibly have had a wife 135 00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:38,870 when the only other people in existence at the time 136 00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:40,439 were his parents and brother? 137 00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:43,675 Steve, guys like Cain always end up with the girl. 138 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,711 Scratch that -- still makes no sense. 139 00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:49,014 Um, uh, might have to come back to that one. 140 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:52,818 The ark is filled with thousands upon thousands of animals. 141 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,787 How were each of them fed and tended to by just eight people? 142 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,889 Uh... 143 00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:01,126 And how did a dove return with an Olive leaf, 144 00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:03,662 when no Olive tree could possibly survive 145 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,497 an apocalyptic flood? 146 00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,466 Oh, God, I don't know! 147 00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,801 And the ark -- a boat this size 148 00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:12,237 could never hold two of every animal. 149 00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:13,905 The ark would have to be, like, 150 00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,807 the size of four baseball stadiums. 151 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,042 (creaking) 152 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,510 (cow mooing) (monkey hooting) 153 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,479 No boat that's big! I'm drowning! 154 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:21,980 I'm drowning in your logic! 155 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,882 Oh, God, my faith. 156 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,385 Everything I believe, it's all crazy. 157 00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:28,053 It's crazy baloney. 158 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:31,490 It's not crazy baloney because crazy baloney is real. 159 00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:33,925 It's called pepperoni. 160 00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:41,433 I don't know who I am anymore. 161 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:44,569 Without my faith, I'm -- I'm nothing. 162 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,171 That's not true. 163 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,707 You're a husband, a father. -That means nothing! 164 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:52,444 Stan, maybe you don't need to be so literal with the Bible. 165 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:56,348 You know, a lot of people see it as a set of instructive fables. 166 00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:58,717 Fables? You want me to base my entire life 167 00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:00,619 on a bunch of imaginary fairy tales? 168 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,954 That would only make sense if I was imaginary. 169 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,756 The only problem is I'm real! 170 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,125 I'm as real as crazy baloney! 171 00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:08,693 (sobs) 172 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,633 It's the end of the world! 173 00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,568 -I know. -You heard, too? 174 00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:19,304 Kraft made their mac and cheese even cheesier. 175 00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,772 I mean, I haven't tried it yet, 176 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,908 but I'm almost certain it'll be too cheesy for me. 177 00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,376 What?! No! 178 00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:26,545 I lost my faith. -Oh, that. 179 00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:27,979 Stan, I've been telling you for years 180 00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:29,247 religion was a load of bull. 181 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:30,882 Why didn't you ever listen to me? 182 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,818 No one likes to be ignored. 183 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,753 You hurt my feelings, 184 00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:36,655 but I suppose that's all in the past. 185 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,824 I'm already over it! -Good for you. 186 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,959 Stan, wake up! (clapping) 187 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,227 Can't you see? 188 00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,662 Without the shackles of religion, 189 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,163 you're free to do whatever you want. 190 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,798 Break a commandment, break all of 'em. 191 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,099 How will that help? 192 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,101 Uh, pleasure -- ever heard of it? 193 00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:51,470 Ever grokked it? 194 00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:53,839 Pleasure is the road to happiness. 195 00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,942 People talk about filling the void as if it's a bad thing. 196 00:07:56,944 --> 00:08:00,078 It's actually full of nerve endings. 197 00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:03,348 Okay, we'll start off small. 198 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:06,117 Sneak over to the neighbor's porch and steal the welcome mat. 199 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,320 I don't know, that kind of sounds like stealing. 200 00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,921 And thou shalt not do it, 201 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,524 but that's why it'll make you feel good. 202 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,864 (giggling) 203 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:20,465 Whoo, that did feel good. 204 00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,801 Who needs God when you've got this welcome mat? 205 00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:24,936 Welcome mat's just the beginning. 206 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,638 We're gonna go way deeper. 207 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,709 ¶¶ 208 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:35,547 ¶ I watched you change ¶ (glass breaks) 209 00:08:38,452 --> 00:08:43,355 ¶ Into a fly ¶ (rooster clucking) 210 00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,890 (siren wails) 211 00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,224 (camera shutter clicks) 212 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,994 (tires screech) ¶ I looked away ¶ 213 00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:54,666 ¶ You were on fire ¶ 214 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,735 (door slams) 215 00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:06,878 ¶ I watched a change ¶ 216 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,747 (camera shutter clicking) 217 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:11,516 ¶ In you ¶ 218 00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:14,753 ¶ It's like you never ¶ 219 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:18,256 Umm, what did you do with the basement? 220 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:21,159 You scared Suck Boy Tony! 221 00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:24,162 Stan, you don't seem very happy. 222 00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:26,231 (sighs) I tried everything to fill the void 223 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,699 where my faith used to be. 224 00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,100 I'm lost, Francine. 225 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,169 Everything is meaningless. 226 00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:32,704 Tony: Have you tried meditating? 227 00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:35,607 Hey, Tony, that mouth's not for giving advice. 228 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,375 Have you seen dad? 229 00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:39,010 He's supposed to take me to an autograph session 230 00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,246 with Food & Wine magazine's Gail Simmons 231 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,914 at Murray's Discount Auto Store. 232 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,182 Listen to me. 233 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,184 Your father's in really bad shape 234 00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,787 because of your big-shot ideas about the Bible. 235 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:52,591 So you need to find a way to restore his faith real fast. 236 00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,192 Me? I don't know what to do. 237 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,261 You broke him, you fix him! 238 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,730 Oh, and stay out of the basement. 239 00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:00,465 The furnace has been making 240 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:04,202 a moaning and wet slapping sound. 241 00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:06,705 (thunder booms) 242 00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:09,207 (keyboard clacking) 243 00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,642 Okay, great. 244 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,877 I can just send him to one of these camps. 245 00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,279 Oh. 246 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,215 These are, uh, gay conversion camps. 247 00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:20,652 Wait a minute, is that Suck Boy Tony? 248 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:23,655 (scoffs) They got their work cut out for them. 249 00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:25,657 Dad? 250 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,128 I've never seen him like this before. 251 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,564 He's just lying out there in the pouring rain. 252 00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:35,800 (thunder booms) The pouring rain! 253 00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,969 (keyboard clacking) 254 00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:42,641 It's all meaningless. 255 00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:46,611 There's no point to anything, not even breathing. 256 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:48,313 Last one. 257 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,482 (inhales) 258 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,486 (harp music plays) 259 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,154 ¶ Hallelujah ¶ 260 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,189 ¶ Hallelujah ¶ God? 261 00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:00,959 Is that really you? -No, son. 262 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:03,528 I'm your brain cells dying. 263 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:06,831 You've now forgotten the word zebra. 264 00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,299 (snaps fingers) -Zebra? 265 00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,502 Big whoop. I never heard that word in my life. 266 00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:19,444 (gasps) Dad, come inside. 267 00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:20,779 I got something to show you. 268 00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:23,848 Look! It's a gigantic ship in Korea. 269 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:28,119 So? And it's bigger than four baseball stadiums. 270 00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,721 Like the ark. 271 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,456 Wait, is this real? 272 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,858 We thought it was impossible, but here it is! 273 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:37,495 So, the ark could be real, and if the ark's real, 274 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,531 everything else just falls into place. 275 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,332 -Well... -I can have my faith! 276 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:43,068 I can have my faith again! 277 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:44,369 Stan, you're back! 278 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,504 Of course, I am, and better than ever. 279 00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:49,641 -(laughs) -Whoo! 280 00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:52,410 I was hopeless for so long, but now I can see that God 281 00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,679 was only testing the strength of my faith. 282 00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,381 And you passed the test. 283 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,684 I did, so he revealed to me through his instrument, 284 00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:02,987 Steve, the location of the new ark. Oh, no. 285 00:12:02,989 --> 00:12:05,757 Family, be at peace, for we must get to the ark 286 00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:09,661 before the floods begin because I am the new Noah. 287 00:12:09,663 --> 00:12:11,262 Stan? 288 00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,031 You've been depressed, 289 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:17,402 and now you're just swinging too far in the other direction. 290 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:18,670 (dog barking) 291 00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:21,573 Listen! It's a sign. 292 00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,241 -It's a bark. -Exactly. 293 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,609 B-ark! 294 00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,544 Just get rid of the "B." Ark! 295 00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:29,280 (gasps) Wait! Bring the letter "B" back. 296 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:31,249 "B" on the ark. 297 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,184 Absolutely hilarious. 298 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:36,521 Sir, where have you been all these years? 299 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,523 ¶ Hallelujah ¶ 300 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,959 ¶ Hallelujah ¶ Lord, I shall go to Korea... 301 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,061 ¶ Hallelujah ¶ ...And carry out your grand design. 302 00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,429 Look out, world! 303 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:47,432 God and Stan are back together again! 304 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:51,102 It's not official till you change your Facebook status! 305 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:59,077 Look, dad actually thinks he's Noah. Don't worry. 306 00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,212 When he sees that his ark is just 307 00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:04,249 a liquefied natural gas ship, he'll snap out of it. 308 00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:07,252 And go back to being the dad, husband, and paid killer 309 00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:09,788 for the U.S. government we all know and love. 310 00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:11,656 What if this ark thing is real? 311 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:12,957 He'll need two goldfish. 312 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,492 Do you think he'll choose me? 313 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,561 Mm, I wouldn't. 314 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:21,232 Stan...how's it going? 315 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,902 You've just been smiling peacefully 316 00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,436 for 20 hours straight. 317 00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,071 Well, why wouldn't I be smiling? 318 00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:28,873 Everyone's about to drown except us. 319 00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:37,749 Hey, watch it, buddy! 320 00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:39,083 You watch it. 321 00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:41,085 We have 40 tons of overalls to unload. 322 00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:42,987 -Overalls? -Whoa. 323 00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,455 You're into overalls, too? 324 00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:45,990 I've been looking for the perfect pair, 325 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,492 but it's so hard to find the right... 326 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,960 Together: ...Chest pocket! 327 00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:52,363 Partner, follow my lead. 328 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,534 (whistling) 329 00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:00,338 Come on, Jeff! 330 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,907 (whistling) 331 00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:07,512 There's no cone to kick! -Just get in. 332 00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:11,749 I'll explain on the way why a second cone isn't important. 333 00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:19,657 There it is -- the ark. 334 00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:21,392 What a sight! 335 00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:26,664 And the crescendo of emotions, and then, satisfied, 336 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:29,167 we're ready to go back to the car. 337 00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:31,669 Are you joking? No, we got to go on board. 338 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:34,339 Dad, I'm pretty sure they're not gonna let us do that. 339 00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:35,673 Man: Ahoy! 340 00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:37,342 Noah! 341 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:39,611 We've been waiting for you! 342 00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:45,516 Hi, I'm Robert Kim with Daesong Heavy Industries. 343 00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:49,387 I know it's kind of a shocker, but this actually is the ark. 344 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,357 God gave Daesong direct orders to rebuild it. 345 00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:54,259 Well, then, what's the hold-up? Let's get on board. 346 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,693 Absolutely. 347 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,262 First, though, in order to get you ready 348 00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,730 for the flood, we need to train you. 349 00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:02,233 Once again, you're one step ahead. 350 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,435 Sir, you can just follow these fine folks here, 351 00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:07,272 and we will get you set up. 352 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,674 You're a great man! Don't worry. 353 00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:11,542 We know he's not a great man, and of course, 354 00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:13,344 of course this isn't the ark. 355 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:16,114 But -- you just -- and he -- 356 00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:17,415 Allow me to explain. 357 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,417 Daesong builds a lot of big ships, 358 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,619 and each time we do, it attracts people 359 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:24,722 who have what is known as a Noah complex. Like my dad? 360 00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,392 Lunatics like your father can be a big nuisance, 361 00:15:27,394 --> 00:15:28,693 always sneaking on board, 362 00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:30,595 slithering around the engine room. 363 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,731 So we came up with the Noah experience... (fanfare plays) 364 00:15:33,733 --> 00:15:34,966 ...designed to make people feel like 365 00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:36,467 they're living through the food. 366 00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,603 They go through it, get it out of their systems, 367 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,205 then everyone heads home happy and safely away 368 00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:43,041 from our very expensive ships. 369 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:44,809 Now if you'll follow me, 370 00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:47,645 we have a wonderful assortment of Pepperidge Farm cookies 371 00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,280 awaiting you in the family lounge. 372 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,615 Pepperidge Farm? 373 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,417 Well, well, well. 374 00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,152 (smacks lips) 375 00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,725 (indistinct conversations) 376 00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:02,393 Who are these guys? 377 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:03,962 Fellow ark seekers, like yourself. 378 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:07,899 So, who here is ready to start our holy adventure?! 379 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,938 Look out! Here comes the storm! 380 00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:16,507 (thunder booms) 381 00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,510 -Whoo-hoo! -Make it rain! 382 00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:21,279 -All right! -Yay! 383 00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,081 -Yeah! -All right! 384 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:26,017 There's something about this I'm not buying. 385 00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:28,653 Get your animals to their pens! 386 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:32,056 Go to your pen, you striped horse! 387 00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:36,527 Hmm, got to admit that felt pretty Noah-y. 388 00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:39,430 Now let's see if the flood waters have receded. 389 00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:45,837 Hoo-ah! 390 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,039 We survived the flood! 391 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,607 It's over! 392 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,275 We did it! 393 00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:53,444 Ark! 394 00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:56,547 -Pretty exciting. -And it worked! 395 00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:57,815 -Yay! -Yeah! -Yeah! 396 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,517 It weeded out all the fake Noahs. 397 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,119 -Aw, shit. -Aw, shit. -Aw, shit. 398 00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,487 So you're not over this? 399 00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,188 The whole experience was a sham! 400 00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:06,391 I mean, sure, the animatronics were incredible. 401 00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:09,694 Yes, I had the time of my life, and without question, 402 00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,496 these are top-quality items -- 403 00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,798 Things I'm going to keep forever -- 404 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,566 But still, I was lied to! 405 00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:18,069 Yeah, you shouldn't put up with that! 406 00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,471 I know -- let's go home, 407 00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:23,875 and you take a bunch of antipsychotic medication. 408 00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:26,411 That'll show 'em! -No! This is happening! 409 00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:29,580 The flood is coming, and we are going to be on that ark! 410 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,183 Stan, come back! 411 00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:35,586 ¶¶ 412 00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,922 Time to do some Bible thumping! 413 00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:40,324 ¶ The Lord said to Noah ¶ 414 00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:42,427 ¶ There's gonna be a floody-floody ¶ 415 00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:44,729 ¶ The Lord said to Noah ¶ 416 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:47,031 ¶ There's gonna be a floody-floody ¶ 417 00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:51,536 ¶ Get those children out of the muddy-muddy ¶ 418 00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:55,339 ¶ Children of the Lord ¶ 419 00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:57,575 The ark is ours! 420 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,744 Stan, we got to go. 421 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:02,280 You just threw the whole crew in the ocean. 422 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:05,016 (laughs) 423 00:18:05,018 --> 00:18:06,184 Good work, Stan! 424 00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:07,585 Hey, it just occurred to me. 425 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,087 There were never fish aboard the ark. 426 00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:10,621 They stayed down in the water. 427 00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:13,391 No, no! 428 00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:16,294 You dipshit, there are [bleep] sharks in there! 429 00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:17,829 (splashing) 430 00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,099 (creaking) Mom, we got to get out of here! 431 00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:23,634 What?! This is our home for the next 40 days. 432 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,403 Let's go check it out. (clank) 433 00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,071 Steve, this must be your room. 434 00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:29,774 Steve: Dad, this is a tank for liquefied natural gas. 435 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,276 And would you look at those vaulted ceilings! 436 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,046 Perfect for all your Cheryl Tiegs posters! 437 00:18:35,048 --> 00:18:37,148 This is the room where the pipes are. 438 00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:40,284 And this one is where the extra pipes are. 439 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,120 Oh, and this must be the main pipe room. 440 00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:45,790 Pipes are very important on a ship. 441 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:51,229 Okay, here's the animals, but still no master bedroom. 442 00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:54,732 There are animals here. -No way. 443 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,268 There has to be some logical explanation. 444 00:18:57,270 --> 00:19:00,905 Ah, this manifest says these animals are from the Busan Zoo 445 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:03,241 being transported to the National Zoo of Malaysia. 446 00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,842 See? It all makes sense. 447 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,745 Not really. Even that is weird. 448 00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,080 Why would a zoo use 449 00:19:09,082 --> 00:19:11,449 a natural gas ship to transport animals? 450 00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:12,750 Because... 451 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,752 (sing-song voice] we got overalls! 452 00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,487 (thunder booms) 453 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,156 It's happening! 454 00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:19,757 We didn't miss nothing. 455 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,192 Stan's still insane! 456 00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,763 We have to set sail now! 457 00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:28,466 Stop! Think for a second! 458 00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:31,335 Are you really about to steal a boat of animals 459 00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:33,004 and sail off into the ocean? 460 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,773 Listen, I know everything at this moment 461 00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,008 must look crazy to you. 462 00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:38,943 For the last thousand moments. 463 00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,312 But I'm asking you, all of you, 464 00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:45,550 to take this leap with me, to have some faith. 465 00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:48,886 I'm staying. 466 00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:51,489 Steve, do you really think this is the ark? 467 00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:53,157 Look, t-there's a lot of weird stuff 468 00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:54,859 going on that I can't explain. 469 00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,394 But you have faith. 470 00:19:56,396 --> 00:20:00,331 Yeah, but it's faith in you 'cause you're Dad. 471 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,400 -Well, that's stupid. -Thanks, Son. 472 00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:03,901 Francine? 473 00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:07,205 Well, I've seen one miracle today. 474 00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,707 You've given Steve some faith. 475 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,876 That's enough to make me stay. 476 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:15,313 Plus, I'd like to pet the Alpaca I saw. 477 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,248 Hayley? 478 00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:18,849 What do you say, baby girl? 479 00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:21,252 No way! This is beyond crazy. 480 00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:23,421 I'll see you when the police haul you in. 481 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,223 (thunder booms) 482 00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:27,658 (Electricity crackling, explosions) 483 00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,927 Start the damn boat! 484 00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:33,030 (lightning crashes) 485 00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:34,899 (screaming) 486 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,001 Stan, I'm scared! 487 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:40,504 Don't worry, after every ending is a new beginning! 488 00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:41,806 Okay! 489 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:45,009 Please, slow down! 490 00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:46,611 I'll never catch up! 491 00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:48,079 I'll die out here! 492 00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,114 (gasps) My bowl! 493 00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:51,682 (splash) 494 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:54,452 I'll ride out the flood in my own ark! 495 00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:58,055 Kiss my ass, Stan, you crazy dick head! 496 00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,357 (gasps) 497 00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:04,161 Bye! Have a beautiful time!