1
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:06,939
You really take it seriously
selling chocolates for charity.
2
00:00:06,941 --> 00:00:09,675
Well, the profits go directly
to putting inner-city kids
3
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,310
on the road
to prosperity.
4
00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:13,178
The old Hershey highway.
5
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,646
You can be
my first customer.
6
00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:17,316
Steve,
maybe you don't realize,
7
00:00:17,318 --> 00:00:18,984
I, uh --
8
00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,719
I don't have any money.
9
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:24,623
Your father kind of controls
the money.
10
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:29,461
I carry a brick in my purse
so I feel like I have something.
11
00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:32,031
And I had to steal
the brick.
12
00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:34,233
Oh, God, I have nothing.
13
00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:36,802
Welp, I got a long day of sales
ahead of me.
14
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,203
(chuckles)
15
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:40,239
Why don't you just, uh,
let yourself out
16
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:43,142
after you get
a little nap-a-roo?
17
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:51,717
Now to turn chocolates
into change -- not coins.
18
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,652
We're not feeding
any parking meters here.
19
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:57,389
No, we're change-ing
people's lives.
20
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,957
(chuckles)
21
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,928
My chocolates!
Who ate my chocolates?!
22
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,098
I don't know,
but I'm gonna find out.
23
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,699
Roger, stop right there!
24
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:09,201
We're losing
valuable time.
25
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,003
When it comes
to missing chocolate,
26
00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:13,072
the first 24 hours are
the most important.
27
00:01:13,074 --> 00:01:15,007
Roger,
those were for charity!
28
00:01:15,009 --> 00:01:16,175
Steve, don't yell.
29
00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:17,776
Chocolate gives me
migraines.
30
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:19,912
By the way,
looking good in that suit.
31
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:20,946
Yeah? Thanks, man.
32
00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:22,214
Wait, wait, wait.
No!
33
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:23,682
Why am I even arguing
with you?
34
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,551
You don't know anything
about charity.
35
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,553
You don't have a good bone
in your body.
36
00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:29,488
Ha! I don't even have bones,
you idiot.
37
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:32,357
All cartilage, baby.
38
00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:34,259
I'm not talking about
your actual skeleton, Roger.
39
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:36,395
Steve, why are we even
talking about this?
40
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:37,596
Let's just kiss.
41
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,398
Cut it out.
What the heck, Steve?
42
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,700
You come down
in your best little boy's suit
43
00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:43,802
and expect me not to get
a raging cartilager?
44
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,637
All you ever think about
is yourself.
45
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:48,307
You've never lifted a finger
to help a person in your life.
46
00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:49,975
You are selfish.
47
00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:52,211
Lifted a fi--
48
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,579
Self-- Ohh!
49
00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:56,115
I've been called
a lot of things, Steve --
50
00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:57,883
a loser, a knob,
a turd burglar.
51
00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,651
You know
what a turd burglar is?
52
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,453
It's somebody
who steals turds.
53
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,388
But I am not
what you just...
54
00:02:03,390 --> 00:02:04,590
What did you call me?
55
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:06,058
Selfish.
That's the one!
56
00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:07,826
(sobbing)
57
00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:12,664
I'm the one who called him
a turd burglar, but it's true.
58
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:15,067
I saw him take one
that wasn't his.
59
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:20,806
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
60
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:24,243
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
61
00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:27,346
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
62
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:31,650
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
63
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:36,955
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
64
00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:39,525
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
65
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:42,127
Aah!
66
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:45,164
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
67
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,301
Let me get this straight.
68
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:50,936
You don't have the money,
69
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:53,205
and you don't have
the chocolates.
70
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,973
That's, um -- That --
That -- That's right.
71
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:56,708
That -- That --
That's the -- the situation.
72
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,810
Oh, okay, then.
Everything's cool.
73
00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:01,380
We'll just chalk it up
as a misunderstanding.
74
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:03,482
If everything's cool,
then --
75
00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:05,150
Sit your ass down,
Smith!
76
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:06,885
You stole from a charity.
77
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,655
You know who
the charity benefits? Me!
78
00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:10,989
Well, I thought it was
for inner-city --
79
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:13,158
Where the hell
do you think I live?
80
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,860
Smith,
you're a bad apple.
81
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:17,663
And one bad apple
spoils the barrel.
82
00:03:17,665 --> 00:03:21,200
Good news is we have a whole
barrel of bad apples here.
83
00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:22,534
Oh, God.
84
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,404
You're sending me
to the at-risk class?!
85
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:28,006
That'll look terrible
on my college applications.
86
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:29,975
Oh, don't worry, Steve.
87
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:33,579
Murdered little boys
don't go to college.
88
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:37,883
Francine,
where's the newspaper?
89
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,985
Oh, the paper
hasn't come before noon
90
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:42,321
since that old man
started doing the route.
91
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:43,922
Oh, yeah, he's so old.
92
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,191
I mean, why's he doing
a paper route? He's so old.
93
00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,860
It's terrible that he still has
to work at his age.
94
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,230
That's not gonna happen to us,
will it, Stan?
95
00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,665
Nope, I've got our retirement
all planned out.
96
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:57,369
401(k)s, Roth I.R.A.s,
even personalized canoes.
97
00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,071
Why do we need canoes?
98
00:03:59,073 --> 00:04:01,206
To send our dead bodies
down the river.
99
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,874
We're having
Viking funerals.
100
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:04,576
I'm sure
we've discussed this.
101
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:07,546
Canoes,
oil-soaked rags, Klaus.
102
00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,581
I'm gonna burn you all.
103
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,250
(flame hisses)
104
00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:14,419
Stan's ready.
I'm -- I'm almost ready.
105
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,555
It doesn't sound like
you're ready, Mr. "S."
106
00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:18,790
You didn't even mention
you're retirement home.
107
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:19,891
They're all the same.
108
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:21,927
No,
they're super-different.
109
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:25,731
I play bridge all over town,
and the quality varies widely.
110
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,899
We should
look into this Stan.
111
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,534
I don't want to end up
at some home
112
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:30,936
where I have to hide
my brick.
113
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,237
Fine!
We can look into it.
114
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,238
(bell chimes)
115
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,274
Finally.
116
00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:38,310
(wheezing)
117
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:46,051
KLAUS:
Burn in hell, Dilbert!
118
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,293
This is -- This is weird.
119
00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:55,927
I've never been
up here before.
120
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:57,596
Th-things are different.
(siren wailing in distance)
121
00:04:57,598 --> 00:05:00,565
Yeah, this floor went to hell
after the mill closed.
122
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:04,002
(indistinct conversations)
and here's your new home.
123
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:07,439
Check me out right now.
(laughs)
124
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,274
Society's given up
on these kids.
125
00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:11,243
The school's given up
on these kids.
126
00:05:11,245 --> 00:05:13,645
Their own children have given up
on these kids.
127
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,747
They're looking.
They're looking at us.
128
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:17,649
Y-Y-Y-You think
they can read lips?
129
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,084
They can't read books!
130
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,921
They're a bunch of dumbasses
with no future.
131
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,523
(gasps)
There's no glass.
132
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:27,526
Fresh meat! Ha-ha!
133
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:30,062
Lewis gets away again!
134
00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:32,798
Hey, where are my shoes?
135
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:33,999
Up there, fool.
136
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:38,203
Who put them up there?
137
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,705
You've got a lot to learn
about how it works in here,
138
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:41,306
little man.
139
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:43,842
But if there's one thing
we don't do in here, it's learn.
140
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,444
What?
Don't you have a teacher?
141
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:48,180
Teacher?
We got a new teacher every week.
142
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:50,282
They come in here.
We threaten them.
143
00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:52,517
Then we go to their houses
and threaten their families.
144
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,386
Then they quit on us.
145
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:57,389
(crying)
everybody quits on us.
146
00:05:57,391 --> 00:06:00,459
Wow. Seems like you guys need
some real help.
147
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:03,795
Did someone say, "Lifting
a finger to help others"?
148
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:04,896
Oh, no.
149
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:06,365
Everyone,
cheeks to the seats.
150
00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:07,733
That means ass in the chairs.
151
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:12,070
My name is Mr. Deliver.
152
00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:16,074
I know what you're thinking.
153
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,043
Teacher probably shouldn't talk
to his students this way,
154
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:21,847
but have any of your teachers
ever talked to you this way?
155
00:06:21,849 --> 00:06:24,483
I am not going to quit on you
because I know
156
00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:25,917
everyone in this class
157
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,320
has potential
to achieve something great.
158
00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:30,489
And I know the game's stacked
against you.
159
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:33,325
Even the classroom floor
appears to be an uphill battle.
160
00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:38,163
Oh, yeah, this class is at risk,
all right.
161
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:41,533
At risk of learning.
162
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:44,269
My ride's here.
163
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:46,605
(groans)
164
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:49,574
Whoa,
this is a different chair.
165
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:59,084
The theater has a long and
fabled history of educating...
166
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:03,655
ALL: Ooh!
(hip-hop music plays)
167
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,291
Hmm. Jay-Z?
No.
168
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:09,194
You know
who the original Jay-Z is?
169
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:12,030
William Shakespeare.
Pfft!
170
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:14,032
Whitey, throw me a beat.
No.
171
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,368
(rapping) ¶ In fair Verona,
where we lay our scene ¶
172
00:07:16,370 --> 00:07:18,403
¶ A guy named Romeo,
a sexy teen ¶
173
00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:19,905
(blows)
¶ Remix ¶
174
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:22,240
(imitates record playing
in reverse)
175
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,543
¶ A sexy teen,
a sexy teen ¶
176
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,545
¶ A s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sexy teen ¶
177
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:29,114
Nope. No.
You and me. Outside now.
178
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:32,751
Anyway, Romeo's a super-hot teen
trying to bang a pre-teen.
179
00:07:32,753 --> 00:07:34,886
Whitey, go ahead and rap them
through the rest of Act One.
180
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,254
No.
181
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:37,889
Steve, I've noticed
you're falling behind
182
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,090
the other students.
183
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,492
I didn't want to
embarrass you.
184
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:41,927
That's why I brought you
out in the hallway.
185
00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:43,795
What?!
I-I-I brought you out here!
186
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,664
Here comes the anger.
Let it out.
187
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,666
I'll be your punching bag
all day.
188
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:49,167
I see right through you.
189
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:51,236
You're just here to show me
that you're not selfish.
190
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:53,972
Wait, a-are you talking about
that conversation earlier
191
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,807
where you slaughtered
my feelings?
192
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:56,942
Made me feel this big?
193
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:58,243
I'd forgotten about that.
194
00:07:58,245 --> 00:07:59,611
You're not a real teacher.
195
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,746
This is just your
Time Warner cable guy
196
00:08:01,748 --> 00:08:03,815
re-purposed
after he committed suicide.
197
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:08,153
Wrong. Mr. Deliver also has
a mole somewhere on his body.
198
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,655
Don't you dare
try to find it.
199
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,824
I want you to leave.
200
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,327
You can't help these kids.
You don't even want to.
201
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,028
You just want to
prove me wrong.
202
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,163
So we both agree.
203
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,498
This would
prove you wrong.
204
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:20,665
It's not gonna matter.
205
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,367
I don't even
need to do anything
206
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,469
because these poor,
disadvantaged youths
207
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:25,704
are animals,
208
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,372
and they'll send you
running for the hills.
209
00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:28,807
I'm not going anywhere.
210
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:29,975
(bell rings)
211
00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:31,843
Recess!
I'm going to recess!
212
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,846
(laughs)
213
00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:39,150
Ah, the lobby.
214
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:41,453
This'll be
the edge of my universe.
215
00:08:41,455 --> 00:08:44,055
I'll be able to sit right here
and watch Steve park
216
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:46,057
and sit in his car
for a few minutes
217
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:48,426
as he works up the courage
to come inside.
218
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:53,331
Dad, what are you doing?
219
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:54,833
I'm checking it out.
220
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:56,201
If I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life here,
221
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,702
I'd better try
one night first.
222
00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,337
Ooh, I'll stay, too.
223
00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:01,573
Remember what we have to do
the first night at a new home.
224
00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:04,342
I wish, but I want to make this
as realistic as possible.
225
00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:06,378
And when I get old enough
to live here,
226
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,380
I won't even be able
to get hard to pee.
227
00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:09,981
You do that, Mr. "S"?
228
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,216
Damn right, I do.
229
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,384
Use it or lose it.
230
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:18,657
(spray can hissing, tattoo
needle buzzing, drums playing)
231
00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,328
Yo, look,
teach already quit.
232
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:24,763
He's not even trying.
233
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:27,399
He's just staring
at that pigeon coop carpet.
234
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,601
Damn it!
Why you trippin', teach?
235
00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:31,503
Why ain't you trippin',
Tiglet?
236
00:09:31,505 --> 00:09:34,272
These fat-cat journalists
saying 9 out of 10 of you
237
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:36,141
will end up dead
or in prison.
238
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:40,245
Well, here's what I think
of this.
239
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:49,554
Dead, in prison, dead, dead,
dead, prison, prison, prison.
240
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:50,922
Guess you make it.
241
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,290
Looks like you're wrong, teach,
242
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,725
'cause I'm gonna kill him.
243
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,460
And that's why
you go to prison.
244
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:57,529
ALL: Ohh!
245
00:09:57,531 --> 00:09:59,030
You're dead, teach!
246
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:07,472
Whoa!
What were you, teach?
247
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:08,773
Army? Marines?
248
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,475
Army? I wish.
249
00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:12,077
I was in the shit.
250
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:14,279
Janet Jackson's
"Rhythm Nation" tour.
251
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,414
ALL: Wow!
252
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:17,882
Damn.
253
00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:19,985
So what if this guy
used to know how to dance.
254
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:21,453
He's a crummy teacher.
255
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:22,887
ROGER: Used to know?
256
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:25,557
ALL: Uh-oh!
257
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,093
Give us a countdown!
258
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:30,729
Four, three, two, one.
259
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:34,132
(Janet Jackson's
"Rhythm Nation" plays)
260
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,840
Nice try, teach.
261
00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:44,709
You're not gonna win us over
with this, right, guys?
262
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,613
¶ With music by our side ¶
263
00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:51,349
¶ To break the color lines ¶
264
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,684
¶ Let's work together ¶
265
00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:55,153
¶ To improve our way of life ¶
266
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,322
¶ Join voices in protest ¶
267
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,691
¶ To social injustice ¶
268
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:03,862
¶ A generation full of courage,
come forth with me ¶
269
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,197
Still not teaching them
anything.
270
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,433
I taught them
how to count down from four.
271
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:10,535
ALL: Whoa!
272
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:11,803
Class dismissed.
273
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,204
It's 9:15!
274
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:15,340
Stop using numbers
we haven't got to yet.
275
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,676
(indistinct shouting)
276
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:20,011
You've got to fire
Mr. Deliver!
277
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,547
Look who it is --
Mr. No Money, No Chocolate,
278
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,616
telling me
how to run my business.
279
00:11:24,618 --> 00:11:25,850
Oh, hey, Steve.
280
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,218
Principal Lewis,
this is the boy
281
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,887
with anger issues
I was telling you about.
282
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:30,188
But don't expel him.
283
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:33,658
Give me a chance
to give him a chance.
284
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:37,062
There's no way this guy's
qualified to teach those kids.
285
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:38,963
Well,
he did go to Harvard.
286
00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:40,031
No, he didn't.
287
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,833
Then how'd I get
this sweatshirt?
288
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,668
How'd he get the sweatshirt,
Steve?
289
00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:45,236
Wha--
are you really asking?
290
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,072
A sweatshirt
doesn't mean anything!
291
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,840
You calling me a fraud?
292
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:51,876
Saying I didn't graduate
from F.U.B.U.?
293
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:06,357
(gasps)
Oh, God, did I slip up?
294
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:07,726
Wait a minute.
295
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:09,427
Vodka?
Whiskey?
296
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:11,996
These aren't mine.
I'm a rum man.
297
00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:14,833
But let's see who did slip up.
298
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,201
Hmm.
299
00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:18,269
Ahh! Yeah!
300
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,739
(glass shatters)
Rum's the only thing
that gets my engine going!
301
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:23,608
Rum!
Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum!
302
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:26,544
Rum!
Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum!
303
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:28,012
Rum!
Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum!
304
00:12:28,014 --> 00:12:29,013
(imitates brakes screeching)
305
00:12:29,015 --> 00:12:30,348
Oh, this is bad.
306
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:33,451
Looks like Harvard's
got a habit.
307
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:34,519
Jackpot!
308
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,920
Hmm.
309
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,423
We can't have a drunk teacher
around here.
310
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:42,560
But a perfectly buzzed
principal's good for everybody.
311
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:44,095
(gulping)
312
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,400
So, how was it, last night?
313
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,269
(slurring speech)
Terrible.
314
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,538
We still have
a lot of dogs to kill.
315
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,607
What?
I'm not gonna say it again.
316
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,442
They took my feet.
317
00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:02,280
Oh, no. Oh, no.
318
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,615
Oh --
319
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:04,816
What?!
320
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:06,484
I've seen this
too many times.
321
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:09,821
When people are put in a home,
they just go downhill so fast.
322
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,156
Not this fast.
323
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:12,757
Dad,
did they medicate you?
324
00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:15,126
We didn't give him anything
he didn't ask for.
325
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,662
Which pills
would you like today, Stan?
326
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,297
Red, green, blue?
327
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,900
Rainbow! Rainbow!
328
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,401
(gulps)
329
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,670
I don't know
what you've done to my husband,
330
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:27,605
but we're taking him home
right now.
331
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:30,842
You can't take him anywhere
if he doesn't want to go.
332
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:33,845
And you don't want to leave
our happy wittle home,
333
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:34,979
do you, Stanny?
334
00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:37,282
I love you,
Nurse Jocelyn!
335
00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:39,617
Baby dirty.
336
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:42,487
This is ridiculous.
He is coming with us.
337
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:45,990
I mean,
after you...take care of...
338
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,592
You heard him.
Baby dirty.
339
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,861
Orderlies!
340
00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:51,462
(groans)
Don't worry, Dad.
341
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,264
We're gonna get you
out of this.
342
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:55,366
We are gonna sic Legal Zoom
on your ass!
343
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,835
They're the best.
344
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:58,603
They did our paperwork
when we got married.
345
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:01,005
Actually, babe, there was
a little hiccup there.
346
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,041
I'm not totally sure
we're married,
347
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:05,877
but we're definitely licensed
to import rare birds.
348
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,381
All right,
so the North is the Bloods
349
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:11,783
and the South is the Crips.
350
00:14:11,785 --> 00:14:15,820
So that means Abe Lincoln
is Huge Omar!
351
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,655
And Fort Sumter
was like when Kenny's mom
352
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,190
shot his stepdad
in the dick.
353
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,892
Which would mean...?
354
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:24,629
That even if the war
didn't start out about slavery,
355
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,965
Lincoln's
emancipation proclamation
356
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:28,399
made it about slavery.
357
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:31,669
Ricky,
that sounds right to me.
358
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:34,005
-Whoo!
-Yeah! All right, Ricky!
359
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,707
Stop teaching this class!
360
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:38,042
I found your desk
full of alcohol!
361
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,411
Then I dug deeper,
found your DUIs,
362
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:42,380
your drunk
and disorderlies.
363
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,983
What?! That's impossible!
I was framed!
364
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,451
Get out of my school!
365
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:51,155
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo,
you can't take him.
366
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:53,691
He the first person
to ever get through to us.
367
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:56,394
Kids, don't.
You can't fight the system.
368
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,062
Remember that.
369
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,231
(class jeering)
370
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,733
-Let the teach teach!
-(crying)
371
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,601
I don't know why
everybody's so upset.
372
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:06,271
Sounds like we dodged a bullet
with this creep.
373
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:09,774
He quit on us!
Teach quit on us!
374
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:15,179
From now on, the only one
who quits on Ricky is Ricky!
375
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:17,749
Ricky got shot!
376
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:20,251
Ricky joined a gang
and got shot!
377
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,386
(all gasp)
378
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:22,921
This is bull, man!
379
00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:25,690
This would have never happened
if teach was here!
380
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:29,360
(crying)
He was only 24!
381
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:30,662
Damn.
382
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:37,035
We've heard
a lot about Ricky.
383
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:39,570
But I don't think
you could talk about Ricky
384
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,639
without talking about
Mr. Deliver.
385
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:44,409
He was helping Ricky
with his college applications.
386
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:46,077
He was helping all of us.
387
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:48,947
Whitey -- He drove you
to your mom's parole hearings.
388
00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:51,449
Yoyo, he paid your tab
at planned parenthood.
389
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:54,552
And, Sara, he was always
rubbing your shoulders.
390
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,321
Like, a lot.
391
00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:03,728
Maybe he did care.
392
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:06,764
Ricky will live on
on his Facebook page
393
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:08,967
and is survived
by his low-riding bicycle
394
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:11,302
and his stolen Xbox.
395
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:14,973
Stop right there!
396
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:16,674
I've got our paralegal,
Rajeet,
397
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,810
live-chatting with us
from Hyderabad.
398
00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:21,412
Technically,
I am not a full paralegal.
399
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,581
And perhaps
an unnecessary furtherance --
400
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,350
Look,
I don't have time for this.
401
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,851
You can take him.
402
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,519
He just needs to sign
his release papers.
403
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:32,023
Mr. Smith, do you think
you can write your full name
404
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:34,425
with this big marker-oo?
405
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,595
There. All set.
406
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,364
You can have your father,
407
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:42,266
and I'll just keep
all of his assets.
408
00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:45,770
Boom!
Big money Jocelyn!
409
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,672
All his assets?
410
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:52,043
Then we're just left with...
my brick!
411
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:53,945
Orderlies!
412
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,649
I need some help, Jeff!
413
00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:00,518
Got it, babe!
414
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,021
The key
to the drug locker!
415
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:04,122
We did it!
416
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,058
Enough!
417
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,460
If only you could
see yourselves right now.
418
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:12,163
Dad, I thought you were
all zonked out on pills.
419
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:15,266
They tried, but I had
my C.I.A. cheek pocket in.
420
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:19,170
Yep, this was one
of my famous tests.
421
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,405
Oh, of course.
422
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:21,739
He loves those.
423
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:22,840
Always has.
424
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:24,509
And you all failed.
425
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:26,077
I'm not the one who has to be
ready for retirement.
426
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:28,012
I'll be senile.
427
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:30,581
You're the chicken heads
who need to be ready.
And you're not.
428
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:33,584
You're the chicken head
'cause these documents are real.
429
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,686
Everything's mine --
430
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:39,690
the 401(k)s, the Roth I.R.A.s,
the canoes.
431
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:41,325
Please, nurse, you must --
432
00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:44,395
you must tell me this is
one of your famous tests!
433
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,730
Not even.
434
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,501
Bull's-eye!
Ha-ha!
435
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,937
Or should I say fish-eye?
436
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,239
Okay, bull's-eye!
437
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:57,642
It was clearly
the crowd favorite.
438
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,080
(slurps)
439
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,448
Mr. Deliver?
440
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,550
Come on, Steve.
I'm not a teacher anymore.
441
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:07,285
You want
a cup of noodles?
442
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:08,286
Hot Pocket?
443
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:09,754
I got all the sad foods.
444
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,223
Look,
I'm here to say I'm sorry.
445
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:14,192
I was so focused
on getting you fired
446
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:16,427
I didn't realize
how much you were helping.
447
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,629
Actually, I was just trying
to prove you wrong.
448
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,231
I didn't care
about those kids.
449
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,467
Yes, you did.
I saw you at the funeral.
450
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,569
So I went to the funeral.
Big deal.
451
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,604
I was their teacher,
and I walked out on them.
452
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,073
I took all their field trip
money and bought Hot Pockets.
453
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:30,541
They're better off
without me.
454
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:33,211
I brought some people
who might disagree.
455
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:41,486
¶ We are a part
of the rhythm nation ¶
456
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:46,791
(Rapping) ¶ Let me teach y'all
about the number pi ¶
457
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,427
¶ 3.14125 ¶
458
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,762
¶ I changed the numbers
so it would rhyme ¶
459
00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:55,233
(laughter)
460
00:18:56,069 --> 00:18:58,603
what in the hot-and-holy hell
is going on in here?!
461
00:18:58,605 --> 00:18:59,971
No, no, no, it's cool.
It's cool.
462
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,506
They had a vigil.
They asked me back.
463
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:02,807
I said yes.
464
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,144
It doesn't matter
if your students want you back.
465
00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:07,445
I fired you.
466
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:09,347
You're a drunk
with a criminal record.
467
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:12,350
Stop it!
Mr. Deliver isn't a bad guy.
468
00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:13,851
I am.
469
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:16,154
I...framed him.
470
00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:18,422
Planted the alcohol,
hacked the state records.
471
00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:21,159
The only thing I know he's done
for sure is turd-burgling.
472
00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:24,028
And that should be treated
as an illness, not a crime.
473
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,596
Wait a minute.
474
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:28,866
You added DUIs
to this man's record?
475
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:32,303
Can you, by any chance, remove
them from a person's record?
476
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,604
I guess.
477
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,306
Congratulations, Smith!
478
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,708
You're back
in the smart class.
479
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:40,611
After we stop by
the computer lab for a sec.
480
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,447
And, you --
I don't care what you do.
481
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:44,949
I'm going to teach!
482
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,717
Like I said, don't care.
483
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,219
But I do.
484
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,556
You're so tense.
485
00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:01,365
Wh-What are you doing?
486
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:03,067
Just loading up
on school property.
487
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:05,136
But w-where's Whitey and Yoyo
and everybody?
488
00:20:05,138 --> 00:20:06,537
I got them
to join the Army.
489
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:09,073
What?
b-but they're not all 18.
490
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:11,576
They don't have to be
for the Chinese Army.
491
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:14,178
My friend Chuen-Wei pays me
for every recruit
492
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:15,880
in "World of Warcraft"
gold.
493
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:18,216
And one of these days,
I'm gonna get into that game.
494
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:19,650
Sounds super-cool.
495
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:22,220
God, I'd love to escape
to a fantasy world.
496
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:23,721
The real world's so dark.
497
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:25,022
Did you hear
about that guy
498
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,824
who sold his students
to the Chinese Army?
499
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,526
It's like I can't even turn on
the news anymore.
500
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,094
I can't believe you,
Roger.
501
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:32,163
I can't believe
how helpful you were, Steve.
502
00:20:32,165 --> 00:20:33,764
I didn't think
it was gonna work,
503
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:35,866
but then you got me fired,
got Ricky killed,
504
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:38,035
and got all my students
to beg me to come back.
505
00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:40,338
After that,
they were putty in my hands.
506
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,940
Oh, my God.
I helped you do this.
507
00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:45,376
What? You got them
out of the inner city.
508
00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:48,045
And you got the boot off
principal Lewis' car.
509
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,547
So you've done
a lot of good.
510
00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:52,416
(siren wailing)
511
00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:57,955
Smith!
Meet me in the computer lab!
512
00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:02,226
(horn blaring)
513
00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:04,195
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!