1
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:07,840
(sighs)
So, the people at Buzzfeed
2
00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:12,277
are abuzz
about my article.
3
00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:13,779
I had no idea
you were a writer.
4
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,015
Oh, I don't know dick
about writing,
5
00:00:16,017 --> 00:00:18,717
but "The Top 12 Dog Haircuts
of the '90s" --
6
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,986
I know many dicks' worth
about that.
7
00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:22,955
Hey, there, birthday girl!
8
00:00:22,957 --> 00:00:26,291
Hello, yourself,
Mr. Birthday Girl.
9
00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:30,195
This year I bought you not one,
but 81 birthday presents.
10
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:33,165
And I'll give you a hint,
it's America's favorite thing.
11
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:35,134
81 bald eagles?
12
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,703
No, but remember that one
for my birthday.
13
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:40,005
Happy early birthday,
Stan.
14
00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:43,142
(eagles caw)
(laughs)
15
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,744
(majestic music plays)
16
00:00:48,983 --> 00:00:51,216
(eagle caws)
17
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,401
(moaning)
18
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,673
What happened?
19
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:17,509
You were about to tell me about
my birthday present,
20
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:20,112
then made bird noises,
got an erection,
21
00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:22,081
and started tongue-kissing
the air.
22
00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:24,850
Right, like I said, I got you
81 presents --
23
00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:27,419
season tickets to
the Washington Nationals.
24
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,788
But, Stan, I don't even
like baseball.
25
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,958
Oh, your gigantic smile
is thanks enough.
26
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,694
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have somewhere I need to be.
27
00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:39,198
(making whooshing noises)
28
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,100
Now, where were we --
29
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:44,036
What?! I was gone two minutes
and you invite Hank over?
30
00:01:44,038 --> 00:01:45,871
You've crossed
the wrong guy, Hank!
31
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:48,440
Ugh! (groans)
I give!
32
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,876
You're so much stronger
than you look, Hank.
33
00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:56,715
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
34
00:01:56,717 --> 00:02:00,152
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
35
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:03,088
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
36
00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:06,692
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
37
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:12,898
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
38
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:15,134
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
39
00:02:15,136 --> 00:02:17,936
Aah!
40
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:20,806
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
41
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:25,944
I have everything I need
to enjoy the game --
42
00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:28,180
authentic jersey,
glove for foul balls,
43
00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:30,516
and the lyrics to
"Y'all Ready For This?"
44
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:33,552
So I don't forget them like a
fool when everyone's singing it.
45
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:37,990
(sighs)
Wonderful.
46
00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:40,125
Yep, seems like you got
everything you need,
47
00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:41,760
except a happy wife.
48
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:44,930
Francine likes baseball.
She just doesn't know it yet.
49
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:47,933
For as long as I can remember,
Francine and I have shared
50
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:51,036
all the same interests -- Scotch
and cigars with the fellas,
51
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:53,672
jokin' around with the guys,
poker night with the boys.
52
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,674
Oh, and supercharged
snowmobiles.
53
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,109
With the boys.
54
00:02:57,111 --> 00:02:58,477
It's not safe to ride alone.
55
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,679
Francine doesn't do
any of that stuff.
56
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,814
Don't you see?
You're growing apart.
57
00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:06,451
Or...or...we're growing
even closer together.
58
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:08,820
Haven't you heard the phrase
"opposites attract"?
59
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,355
Nope.
You -- Really?
60
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:13,392
Hmm.
I'll need help explaining this.
61
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:15,060
(knocking at door)
62
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:18,530
Thanks for coming on such short
notice, MC Skat Kat.
63
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,366
No bigs. We gonna do this?
You know it.
64
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:25,671
¶ Baby, seems
we never ever agree ¶
65
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:29,741
¶ You like the movies,
and I like TV ¶
66
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,344
¶ I take things seriously -- ¶
Right. Got it.
67
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:33,545
I remember this song.
68
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,747
And I remember this cat,
Garfield.
69
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:38,150
This son of a bitch
hates Mondays.
70
00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:40,719
But opposites don't attract.
People don't work that way.
71
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:41,720
He's right.
72
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,555
But, Stan, seriously,
73
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,857
have you heard anything about
that janitorial job?
74
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,092
I mean,
I'm barely getting by --
75
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,694
Excellent.
Let's hang out soon.
76
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,862
Damn it.
Okay.
77
00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:53,398
Opposites don't attract,
but samesies do.
78
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,167
What are me and Francine's
samesies?
79
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,568
There's got to be
something we share!
80
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:57,869
Uh, Stan, he didn't leave.
81
00:03:57,871 --> 00:03:59,438
He just ducked down
in the bushes.
82
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,406
Yeah, how do you think
he got here so fast?
83
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:08,413
¶ Huge cookie time,
huge cookie time ¶
84
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,617
I call first bite!
I call last bite!
85
00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:13,852
(both blowing)
86
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,520
(doorbell rings)
87
00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:19,424
I got it. Be a doll and keep
blowin' on that thing.
88
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,593
We're looking for
Burt Jarvis.
89
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:22,861
Nope, not here.
Never heard of him.
90
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:25,097
Well,
this is his address.
91
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:27,766
We've sent him letters,
we've called.
92
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,402
If he ever turns up here,
please,
93
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,571
tell him
his people need help.
94
00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:34,206
Everyone's getting sick.
95
00:04:34,208 --> 00:04:35,974
(coughs)
96
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:38,443
What a story.
If we see him, we'll tell him.
97
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,045
(sighs)
Roger.
98
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:42,047
What were those sick people
talking about?
99
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:43,815
What?
Those two broads?
100
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:46,418
They're clearly hung up on some
guy who's not feeling it.
101
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:47,786
Huge cookie time!
102
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,656
No, Roger,
it's huge honesty time.
103
00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:52,958
Okay, okay.
104
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:56,428
My Burt Jarvis persona
ran for -- and won --
105
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:58,664
a seat in the Nevada
State Legislature.
106
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:02,000
You see, in Nevada, Senators eat
free at casino buffets,
107
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:05,637
but it does not include drinks,
so I abandoned the character.
108
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:08,740
(laughs) You wouldn't believe
all the letters I still get
109
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:11,410
about "poison water this"
and "poison-water that."
110
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,512
I mean, who even
drinks water anymore?
111
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:15,280
Grab a Coke Zero,
am I right?
112
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,449
Roger, those people need
Burt jarvis!
113
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:18,984
We have to help them!
114
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,520
You just want a free trip
to Carson City, don't you?
115
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:23,989
Carson City.
116
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,958
(flourish)
117
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,295
Wow.
118
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:32,130
All right, fine.
We can go.
119
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:35,667
But since you're in
such a hurry...
120
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,968
(gulp)
121
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,271
Ugh!
What happened?
122
00:05:39,273 --> 00:05:41,440
I threw up,
but the cookie blocked it.
123
00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:44,042
I'm getting hit from
every angle here.
124
00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:48,046
Here we are, Francine --
the ballpark.
125
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,349
If you thought parking in
the faraway cheap lot
126
00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:52,851
and maneuvering through gang
violence was thrilling,
127
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,353
just wait until the first pitch!
128
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:57,322
Whatever, Stan. Can we please
get something to eat?
129
00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:59,725
Of course!
We both share a love of eating!
130
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:01,960
So, what can I get you?
131
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,362
I'll have
a large spaghetti.
132
00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:05,063
They, uh,
they don't have that.
133
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:07,799
Okay, I'll have
a medium spaghetti.
134
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,468
Look, how about I get you my
favorite snack --
135
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,002
a ballpark Frank?
136
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:12,704
I hate hot dogs.
137
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:15,974
They remind me of
uncircumcised penises.
138
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,477
And you know I don't stand
for no wormies.
139
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:21,012
Oh, uh, well,
forget about food.
140
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:22,814
Let's go find a memento
to share.
141
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,216
Shouldn't be hard.
142
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:26,885
My personal favorite --
the bobblehead.
143
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,587
Ew, creepy.
144
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:32,023
Their proportions are all wrong,
like little Christina Riccis.
145
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:35,527
How about these gender-neutral
pink baseball caps?
146
00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:39,931
Haha! You're hilarious.
(laughs)
147
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:43,034
(crowd murmuring)
148
00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:45,103
hey, I know something we
agree on.
149
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,505
Hot guys.
150
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:49,274
Check out Jayson Werth
in right field.
151
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:50,709
He's got ass for days.
152
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:53,011
I think you're hotter
than he is.
153
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:54,413
Can't we agree
on anything?!
154
00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:55,947
Compared to that
fresh cut of meat,
155
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:58,183
I'm a double-scoop of
dog shit!
156
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,120
All right, Steve,
I drafted a bill
157
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:04,423
proposing drinking water
not be poisonous.
158
00:07:04,425 --> 00:07:06,124
Now, let's drop it off
and hit the road.
159
00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:08,927
Well, if it isn't
Burt Jarvis!
160
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,129
Lookin' good, old friend.
161
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:15,100
Say, we got to get you and Carla
up to the lake house.
162
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:18,103
You wouldn't believe the size of
the trout this season,
163
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,039
and are they a-bitin'.
164
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:24,209
I hear you've been working on
a clean water bill.
165
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:27,712
Now, this is a nice piece
of legislation.
166
00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:30,649
A noble undertaking
indeed.
167
00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:33,985
It's a shame
no one got to see it.
168
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:37,589
My best to Carla.
169
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:40,125
Did you hear that?
I'm gonna get to go fishing!
170
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:43,662
Roger, you can't just back down!
People are counting on you!
171
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,997
Are you crazy?
That was Big John Tanner,
172
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,467
the most influential
politician in Nevada.
173
00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:50,769
Who do you think we're talking
about -- Little John Tanner?
174
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:53,338
One of the least influential
politicians in Nevada?
175
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:56,675
Ahem! I represent the good
people of Winnemucca.
176
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,246
So to answer
your questions --
177
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:04,316
"John from Cincinnati"
is my favorite HBO show,
178
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:06,751
Lycos is
my preferred search engine,
179
00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:09,020
and when it comes to
World War II,
180
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:12,190
I got to go with my boys,
the Axis powers.
181
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:15,260
Hey, buddy! You and that fascist
are on the kiss cam!
182
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,895
Show 'em what you got!
183
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:21,333
I will show 'em!
This is our moment!
184
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,207
(smack, both groan)
185
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,710
(sneezes)
186
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:34,513
WOMAN: You guys suck!
MAN: Don't get a room!
187
00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:37,616
MAN: I kiss my sister
with more grace.
188
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:45,357
I thought me and Francine
were fine,
189
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:47,225
but we don't share anything.
190
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,895
Hell, we couldn't even share
a kiss on the kiss cam.
191
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:54,032
50,000 fans called B.S. on
our whole relationship.
192
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,468
A group that big
is never wrong.
193
00:08:56,470 --> 00:09:00,205
That's why it's called "mob
mentality," not "mob stupidity."
194
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:04,309
Just the word "mob" evokes
such fairness and justice.
195
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,578
I guess it's really over.
196
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,013
Bad news, Hayley.
197
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:09,881
Your parents
are getting divorced.
198
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,651
Now you're gonna have to buy
a second headband
199
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,052
to keep at Stan's apartment.
200
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:16,321
What is he talking about?
I just --
201
00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:20,425
I realized that Francine and I
don't have any common ground.
202
00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:23,428
Dad, every couple has
their differences.
203
00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:25,664
Look at me and Jeff.
We couldn't be more opposite.
204
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:28,733
She's right, Mr. S. -- like, my
favorite song in the world
205
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,202
is "Bathtub Gin" by Phish
live at Red Rocks.
206
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:34,606
But mine is "Bathtub Gin" by
Phish live from Atlantic City.
207
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:37,175
I'm sure you and Mrs. S. were
just having an off day.
208
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:39,411
But if you want to strengthen
your relationship,
209
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,112
that takes time.
210
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:44,349
It requires open communication,
a lot of hard work --
211
00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:46,451
Jeff's right!
It must have been an off day.
212
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,186
We'll just get back on
the kiss cam,
213
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:50,121
show everybody that
me and Francine are fine,
214
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,223
and then everything else
will fall into place!
215
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,859
You think you can be on
the kiss cam twice?
216
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:58,363
Why not go for three times?
Five? 100 times?!
217
00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:02,033
You kill us all with
your arrogance, Stan!
218
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:07,205
All right, Roger,
I'm off to the hall of records,
219
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,708
see if I can sniff out
who's polluting the water.
220
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:12,777
Cool. I actually have a full day
of campaigning to do.
221
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,580
Elections are coming up,
and according to polls,
222
00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:18,383
I'm "mysteriously missing
and presumed dead."
223
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:21,119
¶¶
224
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,922
(applause)
225
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:27,025
¶¶
226
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,063
(applause)
227
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:35,967
(gasps)
228
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,774
(applause)
229
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:45,276
(cheering)
230
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,779
Stan, how long till
this game is over?
231
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,015
Okay, you know how it feels like
we've been here forever?
232
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:53,752
Well, that was only one inning,
so nine times forever.
233
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,024
He hasn't even
hit our section once.
234
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,026
This guy needs a talking to.
235
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:04,596
Stan, while you're up,
find out what they're saying
236
00:11:04,598 --> 00:11:07,532
after
"Da-da-da-da-da-daaaa!"
237
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:09,668
Is it "shards"?
238
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,508
(cheering)
239
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:18,276
Whoa!
What was that?
240
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:21,946
That was a triple play, which
means Arby's has to donate
241
00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:23,181
$500 to charity.
242
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,183
Good.
I hate that place.
243
00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:32,357
If Tetradual's the one doing the
dumping, we'll know soon enough.
244
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,492
Oh, look who finally
pipes up.
245
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,161
We've been in the car for
20 minutes
246
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:37,896
and that's the first thing
you've said.
247
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:40,565
I know. Sorry. Catching up
on e-mails from Klaus.
248
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,901
Oh, my God. That guy is out of
control, right?
249
00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:44,402
Does he send you
like 10 a day?
250
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:47,038
Yes! And they're all about
nothing, like,
251
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,208
"How awesome would it be
if we both had corvettes?"
252
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:53,011
But if you don't write back,
he flips out.
253
00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:54,345
Such a bitch.
254
00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:55,980
There it is!
255
00:11:55,982 --> 00:11:57,816
It doesn't look so bad
to me.
256
00:11:57,818 --> 00:12:00,151
They're not gonna be dumping
in the open, Roger.
257
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,920
More likely underground
spill-off
258
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:03,755
is slowly polluting
the water table.
259
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:06,491
Whoa!
260
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:09,360
Got to love that Nevada
razzle-dazzle.
261
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,396
Oh, my God!
262
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:25,944
We've got 'em.
263
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,846
(sighs)
I should have seen this coming.
264
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:29,247
Why's that?
265
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,983
Because I'm the CEO
of Tetradual.
266
00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:35,353
Uh, excuse me.
I was wondering --
267
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,756
Wondering if I'll put you
on the kiss cam.
268
00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:40,291
Well, yes. You see --
I know your story.
269
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:42,761
Johnny Jalopy brings
Susie Swiss-Cheese-Shorts
270
00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:45,096
to the ball game,
hoping to shine her teeth
271
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,699
with his tongue-polish --
but she's all Nancy No-go,
272
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:50,301
so you're Gary Got-an-Idea
and you Tommy Two-step
273
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,537
to Kenny Kkiss-cam
to grease her wheels.
274
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:54,539
Stop me if this
sounds familiar.
275
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:57,108
Oh, shit.
Are you my boss?
276
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,244
Hey, I recognize you.
277
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:01,079
You were the biggest misfire
of my career!
278
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,548
No, we weren't!
And I can prove it.
279
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,950
Just put us back on the
jumbotron, no big deal.
280
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,987
No big deal? Was
the moon landing no big deal?
281
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:11,623
Was "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"
no big deal?
282
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:14,125
Seamlessly blending live-action
and animation?!
283
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,161
You know who would
disagree with you?
284
00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:17,929
Bob Hoskins.
God rest his soul.
285
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,430
So let me ask you this.
286
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:21,800
Do you speak ill of
the dead, sir?
287
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,768
You know what, don't even
answer -- you're rambling.
288
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,637
I can't following anything
you're saying.
289
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,472
You're going to put us on
the jumbotron,
290
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,240
or you can kiss-cam
your ass goodbye.
291
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:32,143
(rapid gunfire)
292
00:13:33,747 --> 00:13:37,482
Now, is one of you gonna tell
me what's going on here?
293
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:39,684
You can't do this!
294
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,419
What's going on here?
295
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:44,355
Your husband assaulted an
innocent kiss cam operator.
296
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,691
He got himself banned for life.
297
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:49,027
Come on, Francine, let's go.
Unh-unh, I'm staying here.
298
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,296
What?!
First, you buy me a gift
299
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:55,433
that is clearly for yourself,
and now you're taking it away?
300
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:57,101
Forget it, Stan.
301
00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:59,437
Plus, they just opened
a spaghetti place
302
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:02,574
on the club level --
it comes in a helmet.
303
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,545
Let me in right now!
304
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:08,980
Or what?
Or...
305
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,448
Or I'll hurt your feelings!
306
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:11,783
Beat it, buddy.
307
00:14:11,785 --> 00:14:15,286
You have a terrible body.
308
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,488
Open the gate.
309
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,957
(screams)
310
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:24,829
(Stan crying)
311
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:27,465
Hey, no tears, little man.
312
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,902
(blows raspberry)
313
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:33,638
(laughs)
314
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:35,340
There we go.
315
00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:37,742
Now why's my favorite
little cowboy
316
00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:40,311
got a case of
the upside-down smiles?
317
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:42,513
My relationship with Francine
is crumbling,
318
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:43,882
and the only way to save it
319
00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:46,084
is to rock her mouth
on the kiss cam.
320
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,819
But I was banned from
the stadium
321
00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:50,555
for threatening the cameraman.
That's preposterous.
322
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:54,759
The only reason to ban someone
from a stadium is for streaking.
323
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,928
I don't go to the game
to be aroused.
324
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,097
Or if you're going to
allow streaking,
325
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,032
for heaven's sake,
allow masturbating.
326
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:02,533
Amen, brother.
327
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:05,003
I just need a way to get
back into that stadium.
328
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:08,172
Consider all of the CIA
at your full disposal.
329
00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:09,607
Oh, thank you, sir.
330
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,843
Maybe I could parachute in from
a helicopter,
331
00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:13,745
or scuba dive in from
the sewer, or --
332
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:17,749
(laughs) There's a much easier
way to get in, Smith.
333
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,817
¶¶
334
00:15:23,189 --> 00:15:25,623
(bell rings)
335
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:32,597
¶¶
336
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:04,062
"Mister Johnson has a dog."
337
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:06,798
"Meester Juanson has a dog."
338
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:13,204
(camera shutter clicks)
339
00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:17,575
Don't break down on us.
340
00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:20,144
We need you if we're gonna
win the East.
341
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,480
¶¶
342
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:31,489
I know he hasn't looked the same
since the suspension,
343
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:34,192
but the numbers say Smith could
actually be useful
344
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:35,360
against lefties for us.
345
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:41,933
(cheering)
346
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:51,509
Right on time.
347
00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:01,119
Sir, I have Stan and Francine
in my sights.
348
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,990
Stan, what are you doing here?
I thought you were banned.
349
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:09,027
I am, but there's something
in this stadium
350
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:11,362
just too precious for me
to leave behind.
351
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:14,866
(Hall & Oates'
"You Make My Dreams" plays)
352
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,200
Not them again.
353
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:19,103
You monsters!
354
00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:27,245
¶ What I want, you've got,
and it might be hard to handle ¶
355
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:29,414
Hey!
That's my wife!
356
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,215
What?
And the only person allowed
357
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,651
to kiss her is me, and the men
I select for her on tinder.
358
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,720
I'm sorry.
I meant to kiss my wife.
359
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,989
She's part of this, too?
You're both banned!
360
00:17:37,991 --> 00:17:39,524
What the hell's going on?!
361
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,059
You're out of here.
362
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,397
Damn.
363
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,934
¶ You make my dreams ¶
364
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,070
You on tinder?
365
00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:59,577
People, this company has brought
nothing but pain and suffering
366
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,180
to our community,
and I'm shutting it down.
367
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,284
You just turned off
the receptionist's computer.
368
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:08,286
Well, not even that --
just the monitor.
369
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:11,089
Well, sorry for trying to make
it look cool for you, Steve.
370
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:13,224
To actually
close this place down,
371
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:16,461
I have to send like 13 e-mails
all saying the same thing
372
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:18,629
all to Cliff in operations.
373
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:21,432
Yeah, I'm --
I'm bored just saying it.
374
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:31,442
I can't take this
tension anymore!
375
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,144
(tires squeal)
376
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,713
What are you doing?
Look, I know you're mad.
377
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:38,049
Damn right, I'm mad.
Yeah, well, I'm mad, too.
378
00:18:38,051 --> 00:18:39,884
But mostly I'm sad.
379
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,719
We've grown apart.
380
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,321
And I'm worried about us,
Francine.
381
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:45,256
We don't share anything anymore.
382
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:47,325
We couldn't even share
a good kiss!
383
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,127
What are you talking about?
384
00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:52,964
I'm mad because they pulled
Martinez after only 80 pitches.
385
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,966
Wait.
You were into the game?
386
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:58,069
The Nats are only one game back
in the wild card,
387
00:18:58,071 --> 00:19:00,972
and Martinez clearly had
heat left in his arm!
388
00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:02,974
What, are they saving him
for the playoffs?
389
00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:04,842
There's not gonna be
any damn playoffs!
390
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:08,479
Mr. Johnson has a dog!
You like baseball!
391
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,114
We do share something!
392
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:12,650
Of course we share
something, Stan.
393
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,919
We're been married
for 20 years.
394
00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:17,688
We have?
We may not share everything,
395
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:20,124
but we share
the important things --
396
00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:24,028
a beautiful life,
two kids, HPV.
397
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,997
And that's forever, Stan.
398
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:27,832
I feel so stupid.
399
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:31,836
Well, at least you didn't pull
Martinez after 80 pitches.
400
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:34,672
Come here.
(moaning)
401
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:38,476
¶ You make my dreams come true,
you-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo ¶
402
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:41,345
REPORTER: It is absolute
carnage out here on 95.
403
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:44,482
Well, what do we have here?
Looks like all this wreckage
404
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,851
and suffering is just
collateral damage,
405
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:49,854
because that's
a kiss for the ages.
406
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:51,789
(cheering)
407
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:54,559
Use that magnificent tongue,
Stan!
408
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:57,361
(cheering)
409
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:03,467
¶ I can laugh it in the face ¶
410
00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:06,003
He did it.
411
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:10,141
He got this stadium hornier
than I ever could've imagined.
412
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,379
Oh, yeah.
413
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:17,582
¶ Well, 'cause you,
ooh-ho, hoo-ooh, ooh-oo ¶
414
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,483
Nice.
415
00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:22,186
Team Jarvis,
I have good news.
416
00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:25,056
We found out Tetradual was
tainting the water
417
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:27,558
and we shut 'em down.
Four more years!
418
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,394
Four more years --
are not happening.
419
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:34,098
Tetradual was my only
campaign contributor, so...
420
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,767
Pack it up.
Hyah!
421
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:38,002
(thud)
422
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:48,045
Tetradual is gone,
but Octodual is
423
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:51,048
very interested in your
re-election campaign.
424
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:54,051
Why don't we discuss it
at the lake house?
425
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:57,655
So, Big John,
why do they call you big?
426
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:02,193
ROGER: Do you even like me?
427
00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:04,161
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!