(crickets chirping)
(sneaky music playing)
(lowered voice) All clear?
(lowered voice) On my signal.
Go, go, go! We gotta get out before Hayley --
Dad? (normal voice) Hayley's home!
(switch clicks) Hey, girl!
What's going on? Nothing or whatever.
Wait a minute. Dad's wearing his special eating pants,
and Mom's got Tupperware labeled "Cheesecake Warehouse."
(gasps) You're going to the Cheesecake Warehouse!
Ugh. Now I suppose everybody has to listen to a thing.
Did you know the Cheesecake Warehouse
makes $2 billion a year
while their employees make minimum wage?
It's not fair!
Hayley, let me break this down like the great Vanessa Williams
in "A Diva's Christmas Carol."
¶ Don't be so serious, there must be some mistake ¶
¶ Am I delirious or do you want a cheesecake? ¶
The Cheesecake Warehouse is the leading cause of diabetes
in the state of Virginia.
(all groan)
Hayley, you're always ranting --
"This isn't fair, that isn't fair,
"children don't belong in factories,
I shouldn't print out all my e-mails."
(scoffs) You're such a downer.
Being opinionated doesn't make me a downer.
Tell 'em, Jeff.
Well...
I can't believe this.
I'm used to hearing it from them, but...
It's not you. It's just...
You kinda have a frowny face, which can put people off.
If you just did this...
That's what I'm --
Hayley's back.
It's just how I look, okay?
Actually, that's not true.
You were the happiest little 6-year-old.
Remember her beautiful smile?
I had to fight the kidnappers away.
Seriously?
Is it really so hard to believe?
I mean, am I so horrible?
Is it that impossible to be around me?
(tires screech, engine revs)
¶ We made a getaway 'cause Hayley's hard to take ¶
¶ Dad put the pedal down, we're gonna eat a cheesecake ¶
¶¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶
¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
Aah!
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
(crickets chirping)
Hey, babe, what you doing?
Oh, why'd you get out your paper facebook?
Look at this. i-I'm smiling in every picture.
It's weird, but I don't remember any of this.
I guess 'cause drugs.
"Happy Hayley"?
God, what happened to me?
I mean, my family's avoiding me.
What if I drive you away?
Babe, that'll never happen. I got nowhere else to go.
Oh, happy Hayley. Those were the days.
Oh, my God! How are you doing that?
I'm from outer space, Jeff. I can do lots of cool shit.
Here's a little sump'n sump'n I learned on Vega Five.
(groans)
You remember happy Hayley?
What? Oh, sure.
Always smiling.
(baby voice) You were a bunny-wunny.
You were a sweetie-cutie- baby-honey-pie.
You were tooshy-wooshy- boohjy-boohjy.
(normal voice) And now I'm indifferent to you.
Oh, I wish I could remember what it felt like
to be that happy.
You can. Make an appointment
to see Dr. Penguin for hypnotherapy.
Roger, I don't want you messing around with my head.
Happy Hayley at the petting zoo?!
Oh, I just wanna love her forever!
Is Dr. Penguin available now?
We can probably squeeze you in,
but we don't take insurance.
We don't know how.
(school bell rings)
So we're at the cheesecake warehouse,
and Charlotte comes over. We're in her section.
Nice.
And I said, "Charlotte, I want you to take away
"this fork and knife
and bring me some pork I can eat with a spoon."
(chuckles) She laughs and probably forgets
about her blind son for a moment.
But when the pork comes, oh, my God.
What is it, Steve?
It was stringy, tough, chewy even.
I had to ask for my knife and fork back.
(all gasp)
Charlotte had to do the walk of shame
to the utensil station,
and I went home with a gut full of hard pork.
(lowered voice) Yo, couldn't help but overhear.
You boys in the market for some soft pork?
Oh, dear. You want the perfect pork?
You gotta get yourself a slow cooker.
Get outta here, tim.
You're not even a real pervert.
A slow cooker really makes that much of a difference?
After you do a slow cook,
you'll never look at pork the same way again.
Whoa! Message received, buddy.
Before I give you this, there's one thing to remember.
The slower the cook, the better the taste.
The slower the cook...
(whispers) The better the taste.
(all gasp)
That guy's so weird about pork.
Anyway... (deep voice) I'm Batman.
(birds chirping)
So here's how it works.
I do hypnotherapy to help people better themselves,
to stop smoking... or start smoking.
I do both, whichever's easier.
One's way easier.
Anyhow, we'll use hypnotherapy to bring you back
to when you were 6, and we'll find out
what made you so happy.
You're 6 years old again. 6 years old.
With every swing of the watch,
you go a little deeper.
Happy Hayley.
Hayley's still in there with Dr. Penguin?
How long has it been?
I don't know, Mr. S.
Hayley usually keeps track of how long I sit.
(door opens)
Roger! Snap out of it!
Oh, my God. I think I did it.
I quit! I quit not smoking!
I gotta get a ciggy!
Hayley, are you all right?
(high-pitched childish voice) Daddy! Can we get ice cream?
Pretty, pretty please?!
Yeah, sure, if you can tell me how old you are.
Silly Daddy. I'm 6!
What? Roger, what did you --
(joint cracks) Uhh!
(strained voice) My back! It's the L-5!
(groans) Must...get to... Vicodin stash.
Horsey ride! (giggles) (grunting)
Whoa! Ride 'em, girl!
(laughing) Ah!
(slurring) This was supposed to be a fun night. (cries)
(birds chirping)
One, two, three...
Roger, we can't have a grown woman
acting like a child.
This ain't no Disney Channel.
...9, 10! Couch attack!
Uhh!
Roger, hypnotize Hayley back.
Okay, okay, just let me finish this last one.
(inhales deeply)
(gulps) Smoking's so glamorous.
(lighter clicks)
You're not 6 anymore. You're not 6 anymore.
Tag! You're it! (giggling)
There's fishy! Fishy!
Oh, no. Happy Hayley, my mortal enemy.
The monster is back.
Hurricane fishy!
Ugh. This is my fault
for not putting up sandbags.
(birds chirping)
Mommy, I'm hungry. Can I have a hot dog?
You want a hot dog?
And some mint chip ice cream.
Why, uh, of course, honey. I'll whip that up right now.
You're the best mommy ever!
Hey!
This is my chance to raise her right.
(inhales) Get her into child acting...
(exhaling deeply) Make some cash.
Daddy's home!
Look, Daddy, I made you a friendship bracelet.
It means we're BFFs -- best friends forever.
But you can't ever take it off, or else I'll know.
'Kay, promise you'll never take it off?
I promise. I've been meaning to get rid of my old one.
(gasps) He promised he'd never take it off!
(voice breaking) You're supposed to wear them
until they fall off!
It's in the rules!
(crickets chirping)
So, babe, I'm just curious.
I'm not really sure how you feel about us right now.
I love you. You're my best friend.
Oh, that's so great to hear.
I love you, too, Hayles.
It's so awesome you're a princess.
What's that, Anna?
There's a stinky, hairy ogre in the room?
You and your pee-pee are gross.
(ticks, dings)
All right! The roast is finally done.
Eight hours without food. It's like I'm a poor!
Wait. Remember what the salesman said
four times in the alley?
The slower the cook, the better the taste.
I say we double the time. Or why stop there?
Let's double the double.
(moans) (timer winds)
This pork isn't coming out until it's absolutely perfect.
Well, I've always said I'm not gonna come out
until I'm absolutely perfect. (gasps)
Hey, guys, we need to talk about Hayley.
Isn't she great?
Look, she made me this sweet-ass friendship bracelet.
Oh, did you not get one? Aw.
No, guys, this is bad! My wife is 6!
Oh, children are more sexual than we realize.
It was my work in that area that cemented my tenure
at the University of the Ozarks.
Go, Possums!
Don't be selfish, Jeff.
Hayley's finally happy again.
She eats everything, and she lets me dress her up
however I want.
Mommy, look! I'm as pretty as you!
Almost.
Dr. Penguin, there's gotta be something you can do.
All right. Let's commence the un-hypnotizing.
It's a very delicate procedure. I'll need total silence.
Snap out of it! Snap out of it!
Patty-cake, Roger!
BOTH (chanting): ¶ My mother, your mother lived across the street ¶
¶ 1-8-1-9 Blueberry Street ¶
¶ Every night they have a fight ¶
¶ This is what they said that night ¶
¶ Boys go to Jupiter, get more stupider ¶
¶ Girls go to Mars to be superstars ¶
¶ Rumble, tumble, strawberry shake ¶
Freeze!
(both laugh)
Ah, childhood. Such a sweet, sexual time.
Hey! You didn't fix her.
Sorry, Jeff, but Hayley seems to be
in what is known as age regression lock.
So she'll stay a 6-year-old forever?
Not forever, but, yes, until she dies.
That is, unless you find her trigger.
Wait. What -- what do you mean?
Happy Hayley didn't stay Happy Hayley.
(lighter clicks)
Something in her past turned her
into the cranky, preachy downer Hayley
that we all know and you love.
Finding that trigger should bring her back.
Enough of this nonsense!
I think it's time for a family trip
to the Cheesecake Warehouse!
Yay! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Buffalo bites!
I'm in! I can smoke there 'cause it's gross.
Ugh. I need to find Hayley's trigger.
I will help.
Yuck. Klaus?
I've been hiding all week from that 6-year-old asshole.
(birds chirping)
Whoa, look, her 7th birthday party.
Oh, look how sad she is,
like a single baby's shoe floating down the river.
Something at that party made her stop smiling.
That was it! That was the moment
she became downer Hayley!
What is she looking at?
There. This boy behind Hayley
was taking a picture at the same time.
If he still has it, then we can see what Hayley saw.
Whoa, whoa, one step at at time.
First, we have to go through this whole yearbook
to try and find -- Oh, here he is. Joe chandler.
He has a camera in his school picture, too.
Hmm. Bit of a shutterbug, I suppose.
Great detective work, Klaus.
Hey, we make a pretty good team.
Looks like this case was made for...
Fish and the Jeffman.
(both humming "Wheels and the Legman" theme)
(humming continues)
(brakes squeal)
Damn it! Roger's suing us for copyright infringement.
He says this is like "Wheels and the Legman."
What?! In what way?!
(bubbling)
What are you boys doing?
It's been a week, Steve.
The meat's falling off the bone!
The bone! All that flavor trapped in the bone.
But what if we cook the bone down to a jelly
and then the jelly down to a broth,
and then the broth down to a reduction?!
You're playing God with pork! Just let us eat!
I knew you guys couldn't handle the pressure of a slow cook.
Luckily, I'm ready.
Looks like you boys brought hands
to a crossbow fight.
But I want food now!
Barry, tide yourself over with a --
Don't you say it, Steve! Don't you dare tell me
to eat another Nature's Harvest bar!
I can't. My poops.
(crying) They're like drywall.
You're asking if I have a photo
I took at a birthday party
that I went to when I was 7?
We know it's a long shot, Mr. Chandler,
but my wife's life depends on it.
Oh, yeah. I remember her.
I can't make any promises, but I'll go have a look.
How am I supposed to find one picture...
From the thousands and thousands I've taken of her?
Thank God I digitized them all.
Joe Chandler, you perfectly sane genius.
There it is. (mouse clicks)
(printer whirring)
Boop. And one for me.
(mouse clicks, printer whirring)
Mmm. Mmm...mmm.
Well, looks like we're in luck.
I found the picture.
Oh, that's amazing! Thanks, Joe.
Now, would I be imposing if I asked you
to put a camera in your pee hole?
What?
Boop.
Klaus, look. Look where she's pointing.
Oh, a big man clubbing a baby seal?
That is not fair.
That's it, Klaus!
This is the moment she realized life wasn't fair.
That's her trigger.
Then we need to recreate it.
That will snap her out of the deep trance.
Let's go.
KLAUS: That Joe Chandler was a cool dude.
Next time...
Next time I'll have bullets.
(crickets chirping)
(lowered voice) Jeff, I love the symmetry of this.
Seeing a seal clubbed to death
is what broke happy Hayley the first time,
and doing it again will break her once more.
Klaus, we're not gonna club a seal to death.
You're right. It doesn't have to be a seal.
Just anything innocent.
The important thing is the club...and the death.
No, 'cause that's what turned her into frowny-faced Hayley.
If we can just show her that the world is unfair to animals
without murdering one, then maybe she'll snap out of it,
but keep a little bit of happy Hayley inside.
Oh, sucks.
I thought we were on the same page
the whole drive.
Why are we at the fish zoo?
Oh, just for fun.
Hey, look at the pretty seals!
Wait a minute.
That's an awfully small place for a seal to live.
It's not fair. Right, Klaus?
Oh, yeah.
Look at these poor, sweet, gentle creatures.
The lambs of the sea, stuck their whole lives
in a tiny...
There's one behind me, isn't there?
And is it, like, exactly the opposite
of how I described them?
(growls) Aah!
Klaus! Aah! Help me!
Hold on!
Ohh! (panting)
In your face, seal. You can't get me.
(growls) Aah!
Seals can come on land?
I thought they had to stay in the water like fish!
Oh, no. (gasps)
Evolve, Klaus. (gasps) Evolve like the wind!
(grunts) Ow! Aah!
(growls) Hey! (grunts)
(growling)
(barking) Stay...away...from Klaus!
(panting)
Ooh! You killed it.
I want a mermaid key chain!
Oh, good, she didn't see me kill the seal.
(click)
But we did.
(timer dings)
We did it, friends. We cooked the perfect pork.
Wish you could try it, but you're all dead.
(screaming)
(gasps) Oh, God!
The meaning of the dream is so clear!
I gotta share this pork with my friends immediately!
Oh, come on. Every morning? Didn't you hear me?
There's no time. I need to do the right thing
for my friends.
You should be in that slow cooker, you pig.
(remote control clicks)
I know that's hard to watch.
That's why I only showed it to you 10 times.
Jeff Fischer broke into the aquarium
and brutally killed a seal, but not just any seal.
This was Harpy...
(remote control clicks) ...the cutest seal.
JURY: Aw.
I can't hear you!
JURY (louder): Aw!
The prosecution rests, but not before a quick round
of high five with this awesome jury!
(cheers and applause, upbeat theme music playing)
What's happening, daddy?
That man is on trial because he did a bad thing to a seal.
I like seals. I don't like that man.
No one does. (gavel bangs)
So, does the defendant want to waste our time
before the jury finds him guilty?
We'd like to call Dr. Penguin to the stand.
Huh? Who's Dr. Penguin?
That'd be me.
I can explain why Jeff did what he did,
or if I may hypnotize the jury, your honor?
Oh, fun! I'll allow it.
Jeff Fischer is not guilty.
Not guilty. With every swing of the watch,
you'll find Jeff a little less guilty.
We find the defendant not guilty.
Okay, cool.
Jeff Fischer, you're free to go. (gavel bangs)
Yes! (gallery shouting at once)
Daddy, what's wrong?
The man who killed the seal is being let go.
What?! But that's not fair! That's not fair.
(gruff voice) That's not fair.
(clears throat)
(normal voice) That's not fair.
Oh. Whoa. Where the hell am I?
Ugh. Hayley's back.
Hayley! I've missed you so much.
Missed me? But where have I been?
The real question is when have you been?
(laughter)
Seriously, guys, I can't account for a lot of time,
and I'm kind of freaking out.
Will someone please explain what's happening?
More like, who's happening, right, guys?
(laughter)
(crickets chirping)
Guys, I'm sorry I got carried away
with the slow cooker,
but my pursuit of perfection was not totally in vain,
'cause like the pork,
our friendship has been simmered to perfection.
Let's eat!
Mmm. Mmm.
Divine.
Yet it leaves something behind.
Metallic, maybe?
Furry. Almost moving?
With perhaps maggoty undertones?
(siren wailing)
Who gave you the stupid idea
you could eat 12-day-old pork?
He did!
(snorting)
He's pigs! He's pigs!
(grunts) I gotta restrain this one.
He's on to us.
This isn't an ambulance!
It's a goddamn hambulance!
(snorting alarm wailing)
(gasping)
Pigs. Pigs everywhere.
They're all pigs.
I think Steve ate a lot more than us.
(grunting)
Thanks for looking out for me, Jeff.
I'm glad to be back to my old self,
even if happy Hayley is gone for good.
It's all right, babe. I love you no matter what.
Hey, wanna grab a bite before the P.E.T.A. protest?
Sure. For some reason,
I could go for a scoop of mint chip.
Hey! You're smiling, babe. That's one for the scrapbook.
(camera shutter clicks, whirs)
(whispers) I hate this part.
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
-- Captions by VITAC --