1
00:00:01,869 --> 00:00:03,469
(crickets chirping)
2
00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:08,107
(sneaky music playing)
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:09,641
(lowered voice) All clear?
4
00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:11,210
(lowered voice)
On my signal.
5
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:13,445
Go, go, go! We gotta
get out before Hayley --
6
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:14,780
Dad?
(normal voice) Hayley's home!
7
00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:16,782
(switch clicks)
Hey, girl!
8
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,118
What's going on?
Nothing or whatever.
9
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:22,654
Wait a minute. Dad's wearing
his special eating pants,
10
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:25,290
and Mom's got Tupperware labeled
"Cheesecake Warehouse."
11
00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:27,993
(gasps) You're going
to the Cheesecake Warehouse!
12
00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:30,629
Ugh. Now I suppose everybody
has to listen to a thing.
13
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,631
Did you know
the Cheesecake Warehouse
14
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:33,999
makes $2 billion a year
15
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:35,667
while their employees
make minimum wage?
16
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:37,469
It's not fair!
17
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:40,205
Hayley, let me break this down
like the great Vanessa Williams
18
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,907
in "A Diva's Christmas Carol."
19
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:45,811
¶ Don't be so serious,
there must be some mistake ¶
20
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:50,549
¶ Am I delirious
or do you want a cheesecake? ¶
21
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,852
The Cheesecake Warehouse is
the leading cause of diabetes
22
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,087
in the state of Virginia.
23
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,388
(all groan)
24
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,323
Hayley, you're always
ranting --
25
00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,993
"This isn't fair,
that isn't fair,
26
00:01:00,995 --> 00:01:02,694
"children don't belong
in factories,
27
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:05,230
I shouldn't print out
all my e-mails."
28
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,999
(scoffs)
You're such a downer.
29
00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:09,368
Being opinionated
doesn't make me a downer.
30
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,669
Tell 'em, Jeff.
31
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,104
Well...
32
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:14,006
I can't believe this.
33
00:01:14,008 --> 00:01:16,075
I'm used to hearing it
from them, but...
34
00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:18,243
It's not you. It's just...
35
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:21,780
You kinda have a frowny face,
which can put people off.
36
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:24,016
If you just did this...
37
00:01:24,018 --> 00:01:25,551
That's what I'm --
38
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:26,785
Hayley's back.
39
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,353
It's just how I look,
okay?
40
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:30,522
Actually,
that's not true.
41
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,858
You were the happiest
little 6-year-old.
42
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,060
Remember
her beautiful smile?
43
00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:37,596
I had to fight
the kidnappers away.
44
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:38,897
Seriously?
45
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,799
Is it really so hard
to believe?
46
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:43,235
I mean,
am I so horrible?
47
00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:45,104
Is it that impossible
to be around me?
48
00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:48,207
(tires screech, engine revs)
49
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:52,311
¶ We made a getaway
'cause Hayley's hard to take ¶
50
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:56,648
¶ Dad put the pedal down,
we're gonna eat a cheesecake ¶
51
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:59,084
¶¶
52
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:02,387
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
53
00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:05,757
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
54
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:08,827
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
55
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:13,198
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
56
00:02:15,069 --> 00:02:18,170
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
57
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,639
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
58
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,007
Aah!
59
00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:26,678
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
60
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,747
(crickets chirping)
61
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:31,116
Hey, babe,
what you doing?
62
00:02:31,118 --> 00:02:34,086
Oh, why'd you get out
your paper facebook?
63
00:02:34,088 --> 00:02:38,490
Look at this.
i-I'm smiling in every picture.
64
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:42,461
It's weird, but I don't
remember any of this.
65
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:45,030
I guess 'cause drugs.
66
00:02:45,032 --> 00:02:46,832
"Happy Hayley"?
67
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,800
God, what happened to me?
68
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,636
I mean, my family's
avoiding me.
69
00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:52,204
What if I drive you away?
70
00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:55,474
Babe, that'll never happen.
I got nowhere else to go.
71
00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:58,443
Oh, happy Hayley.
Those were the days.
72
00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:01,046
Oh, my God!
How are you doing that?
73
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:03,815
I'm from outer space, Jeff.
I can do lots of cool shit.
74
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,919
Here's a little sump'n sump'n
I learned on Vega Five.
75
00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:10,122
(groans)
76
00:03:10,124 --> 00:03:11,623
You remember happy Hayley?
77
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,292
What? Oh, sure.
78
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:14,960
Always smiling.
79
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,728
(baby voice)
You were a bunny-wunny.
80
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:19,498
You were a sweetie-cutie-
baby-honey-pie.
81
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:22,167
You were tooshy-wooshy-
boohjy-boohjy.
82
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:23,969
(normal voice) And now
I'm indifferent to you.
83
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,837
Oh, I wish I could remember
what it felt like
84
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:27,139
to be that happy.
85
00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:28,740
You can.
Make an appointment
86
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,976
to see Dr. Penguin
for hypnotherapy.
87
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,478
Roger, I don't want you
messing around with my head.
88
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,048
Happy Hayley
at the petting zoo?!
89
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:38,517
Oh, I just
wanna love her forever!
90
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:40,085
Is Dr. Penguin
available now?
91
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,587
We can probably
squeeze you in,
92
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:43,021
but we don't take
insurance.
93
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:44,590
We don't know how.
94
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,027
(school bell rings)
95
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,596
So we're at
the cheesecake warehouse,
96
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,698
and Charlotte comes over.
We're in her section.
97
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:54,266
Nice.
98
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,235
And I said, "Charlotte,
I want you to take away
99
00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:57,736
"this fork and knife
100
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,338
and bring me some pork
I can eat with a spoon."
101
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,406
(chuckles) She laughs
and probably forgets
102
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:03,442
about her blind son
for a moment.
103
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:05,777
But when the pork comes,
oh, my God.
104
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,379
What is it, Steve?
105
00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,915
It was stringy,
tough, chewy even.
106
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,717
I had to ask for
my knife and fork back.
107
00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:13,118
(all gasp)
108
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,553
Charlotte had to do
the walk of shame
109
00:04:14,555 --> 00:04:16,088
to the utensil station,
110
00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:18,590
and I went home
with a gut full of hard pork.
111
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,559
(lowered voice) Yo,
couldn't help but overhear.
112
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:23,895
You boys in the market
for some soft pork?
113
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:26,431
Oh, dear.
You want the perfect pork?
114
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:30,269
You gotta get yourself
a slow cooker.
115
00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:31,637
Get outta here, tim.
116
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:33,972
You're not even
a real pervert.
117
00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:36,742
A slow cooker really
makes that much of a difference?
118
00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,977
After you do a slow cook,
119
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,313
you'll never look at pork
the same way again.
120
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:44,216
Whoa! Message received,
buddy.
121
00:04:44,218 --> 00:04:48,253
Before I give you this,
there's one thing to remember.
122
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:52,257
The slower the cook,
the better the taste.
123
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:56,328
The slower the cook,
the better the taste.
124
00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:58,730
The slower the cook...
125
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:01,166
(whispers)
The better the taste.
126
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:03,001
(all gasp)
127
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,437
That guy's so weird
about pork.
128
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:08,307
Anyway...
(deep voice) I'm Batman.
129
00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:10,809
(birds chirping)
130
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,511
So here's how it works.
131
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:15,147
I do hypnotherapy to help
people better themselves,
132
00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:17,749
to stop smoking...
or start smoking.
133
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,284
I do both,
whichever's easier.
134
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:21,119
One's way easier.
135
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:23,655
Anyhow, we'll use hypnotherapy
to bring you back
136
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,590
to when you were 6,
and we'll find out
137
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,326
what made you so happy.
138
00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:31,930
You're 6 years old again.
6 years old.
139
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:33,532
With every swing
of the watch,
140
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,334
you go a little deeper.
141
00:05:35,336 --> 00:05:37,903
Happy Hayley.
142
00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,540
Hayley's still in there
with Dr. Penguin?
143
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:42,874
How long has it been?
144
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,376
I don't know, Mr. S.
145
00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:47,279
Hayley usually keeps track
of how long I sit.
146
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:50,716
(door opens)
147
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,117
Roger! Snap out of it!
148
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:54,286
Oh, my God.
I think I did it.
149
00:05:54,288 --> 00:05:57,356
I quit!
I quit not smoking!
150
00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,057
I gotta get a ciggy!
151
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:00,959
Hayley,
are you all right?
152
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,528
(high-pitched childish voice)
Daddy! Can we get ice cream?
153
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,297
Pretty, pretty please?!
154
00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:09,167
Yeah, sure, if you can
tell me how old you are.
155
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,870
Silly Daddy. I'm 6!
156
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,638
What?
Roger, what did you --
157
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,240
(joint cracks)
Uhh!
158
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:17,409
(strained voice)
My back! It's the L-5!
159
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:21,213
(groans) Must...get to...
Vicodin stash.
160
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,382
Horsey ride! (giggles)
(grunting)
161
00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:25,183
Whoa! Ride 'em, girl!
162
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,386
(laughing)
Ah!
163
00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:30,789
(slurring) This was supposed
to be a fun night. (cries)
164
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:35,727
(birds chirping)
165
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,429
One, two, three...
166
00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:38,864
Roger, we can't have
a grown woman
167
00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:40,265
acting like a child.
168
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,267
This ain't
no Disney Channel.
169
00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:44,870
...9, 10!
Couch attack!
170
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:46,571
Uhh!
171
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,573
Roger,
hypnotize Hayley back.
172
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:51,042
Okay, okay, just let me finish
this last one.
173
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,412
(inhales deeply)
174
00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:57,449
(gulps)
Smoking's so glamorous.
175
00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:58,784
(lighter clicks)
176
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:03,588
You're not 6 anymore.
You're not 6 anymore.
177
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:07,125
Tag! You're it!
(giggling)
178
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:10,529
There's fishy! Fishy!
179
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:13,532
Oh, no. Happy Hayley,
my mortal enemy.
180
00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:14,866
The monster is back.
181
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:18,303
Hurricane fishy!
182
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:20,105
Ugh. This is my fault
183
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,441
for not putting up
sandbags.
184
00:07:22,443 --> 00:07:23,942
(birds chirping)
185
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:27,446
Mommy, I'm hungry.
Can I have a hot dog?
186
00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:29,481
You want a hot dog?
187
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,316
And some
mint chip ice cream.
188
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:35,454
Why, uh, of course, honey.
I'll whip that up right now.
189
00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:38,223
You're the best mommy
ever!
190
00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:39,624
Hey!
191
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,726
This is my chance
to raise her right.
192
00:07:41,728 --> 00:07:44,329
(inhales) Get her
into child acting...
193
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:47,098
(exhaling deeply)
Make some cash.
194
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,234
Daddy's home!
195
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:51,770
Look, Daddy, I made you
a friendship bracelet.
196
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,939
It means we're BFFs --
best friends forever.
197
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:56,107
But you can't ever take it off,
or else I'll know.
198
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,742
'Kay, promise you'll
never take it off?
199
00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:00,345
I promise. I've been meaning
to get rid of my old one.
200
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:04,316
(gasps) He promised
he'd never take it off!
201
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:06,618
(voice breaking)
You're supposed to wear them
202
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:08,587
until they fall off!
203
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,789
It's in the rules!
204
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,424
(crickets chirping)
205
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:16,361
So, babe, I'm just curious.
206
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:20,131
I'm not really sure how
you feel about us right now.
207
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,434
I love you.
You're my best friend.
208
00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:24,769
Oh, that's so great
to hear.
209
00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,438
I love you, too,
Hayles.
210
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,540
It's so awesome
you're a princess.
211
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,442
What's that, Anna?
212
00:08:30,444 --> 00:08:33,845
There's a stinky, hairy ogre
in the room?
213
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:38,783
You and your pee-pee
are gross.
214
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:40,452
(ticks, dings)
215
00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:43,288
All right!
The roast is finally done.
216
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:47,158
Eight hours without food.
It's like I'm a poor!
217
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,394
Wait. Remember what
the salesman said
218
00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:51,162
four times in the alley?
219
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:53,398
The slower the cook,
the better the taste.
220
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,067
I say we double the time.
Or why stop there?
221
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,469
Let's double the double.
222
00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:59,304
(moans)
(timer winds)
223
00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:02,040
This pork isn't coming out
until it's absolutely perfect.
224
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,142
Well, I've always said
I'm not gonna come out
225
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:07,312
until I'm absolutely perfect.
(gasps)
226
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:11,716
Hey, guys, we need
to talk about Hayley.
227
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,385
Isn't she great?
228
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,587
Look, she made me this
sweet-ass friendship bracelet.
229
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,822
Oh, did you not get one?
Aw.
230
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:21,593
No, guys, this is bad!
My wife is 6!
231
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:24,062
Oh, children are more sexual
than we realize.
232
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,531
It was my work in that area
that cemented my tenure
233
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,066
at the University
of the Ozarks.
234
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,367
Go, Possums!
235
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:31,236
Don't be selfish, Jeff.
236
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,705
Hayley's finally happy
again.
237
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:36,675
She eats everything, and she
lets me dress her up
238
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:38,043
however I want.
239
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:40,045
Mommy, look!
I'm as pretty as you!
240
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:41,746
Almost.
241
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:44,215
Dr. Penguin, there's gotta
be something you can do.
242
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:47,385
All right. Let's commence
the un-hypnotizing.
243
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:50,922
It's a very delicate procedure.
I'll need total silence.
244
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,558
Snap out of it!
Snap out of it!
245
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,560
Patty-cake, Roger!
246
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,963
BOTH (chanting):
¶ My mother, your mother
lived across the street ¶
247
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:00,131
¶ 1-8-1-9 Blueberry Street ¶
248
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:01,733
¶ Every night
they have a fight ¶
249
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:04,035
¶ This is what they said
that night ¶
250
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:05,904
¶ Boys go to Jupiter,
get more stupider ¶
251
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,973
¶ Girls go to Mars
to be superstars ¶
252
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,741
¶ Rumble, tumble,
strawberry shake ¶
253
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,042
Freeze!
254
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,278
(both laugh)
255
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:17,048
Ah, childhood.
Such a sweet, sexual time.
256
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,750
Hey!
You didn't fix her.
257
00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,485
Sorry, Jeff, but Hayley
seems to be
258
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:23,154
in what is known as
age regression lock.
259
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:26,257
So she'll stay
a 6-year-old forever?
260
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:28,893
Not forever, but, yes,
until she dies.
261
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:31,162
That is, unless you find
her trigger.
262
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:32,564
Wait. What --
what do you mean?
263
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:35,266
Happy Hayley didn't stay
Happy Hayley.
264
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:36,568
(lighter clicks)
265
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:38,570
Something in her past
turned her
266
00:10:38,572 --> 00:10:40,472
into the cranky, preachy
downer Hayley
267
00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:42,440
that we all know
and you love.
268
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,342
Finding that trigger
should bring her back.
269
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:45,777
Enough
of this nonsense!
270
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,779
I think it's time
for a family trip
271
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,148
to the Cheesecake Warehouse!
272
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:53,118
Yay! Yay, yay, yay, yay!
Buffalo bites!
273
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,221
I'm in! I can smoke there
'cause it's gross.
274
00:10:57,758 --> 00:11:00,759
Ugh. I need to find
Hayley's trigger.
275
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:01,993
I will help.
276
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,695
Yuck.
Klaus?
277
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:06,998
I've been hiding all week
from that 6-year-old asshole.
278
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,501
(birds chirping)
279
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:13,405
Whoa, look,
her 7th birthday party.
280
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:23,481
Oh, look how sad she is,
281
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:27,185
like a single baby's shoe
floating down the river.
282
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:36,695
Something at that party
made her stop smiling.
283
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:39,798
That was it!
That was the moment
284
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,000
she became downer Hayley!
285
00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:44,135
What is she looking at?
286
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,137
There.
This boy behind Hayley
287
00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:48,173
was taking a picture
at the same time.
288
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,742
If he still has it, then we
can see what Hayley saw.
289
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:53,311
Whoa, whoa,
one step at at time.
290
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,747
First, we have to go
through this whole yearbook
291
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,982
to try and find --
Oh, here he is. Joe chandler.
292
00:11:57,984 --> 00:12:00,318
He has a camera
in his school picture, too.
293
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,520
Hmm. Bit of
a shutterbug, I suppose.
294
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,756
Great detective work,
Klaus.
295
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:06,758
Hey, we make
a pretty good team.
296
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,227
Looks like this case
was made for...
297
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,629
Fish and the Jeffman.
298
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:19,003
(both humming
"Wheels and the Legman" theme)
299
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:22,741
(humming continues)
300
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,679
(brakes squeal)
301
00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:31,416
Damn it! Roger's suing us
for copyright infringement.
302
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:34,085
He says this is like
"Wheels and the Legman."
303
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,087
What?! In what way?!
304
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,556
(bubbling)
305
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:40,558
What are you boys doing?
306
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,060
It's been a week, Steve.
307
00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:44,129
The meat's falling
off the bone!
308
00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:47,465
The bone! All that flavor
trapped in the bone.
309
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,801
But what if we cook
the bone down to a jelly
310
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,703
and then the jelly down
to a broth,
311
00:12:51,705 --> 00:12:53,605
and then the broth
down to a reduction?!
312
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:56,975
You're playing God with pork!
Just let us eat!
313
00:12:56,977 --> 00:13:00,211
I knew you guys couldn't handle
the pressure of a slow cook.
314
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:01,479
Luckily, I'm ready.
315
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,414
Looks like you boys
brought hands
316
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:04,916
to a crossbow fight.
317
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,785
But I want food now!
318
00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:08,553
Barry, tide yourself over
with a --
319
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:11,055
Don't you say it, Steve!
Don't you dare tell me
320
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:13,391
to eat another
Nature's Harvest bar!
321
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:16,461
I can't. My poops.
322
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:19,898
(crying)
They're like drywall.
323
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,834
You're asking if I have
a photo
324
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,335
I took at
a birthday party
325
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:25,804
that I went to
when I was 7?
326
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,672
We know it's a long shot,
Mr. Chandler,
327
00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:29,674
but my wife's life
depends on it.
328
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:31,843
Oh, yeah.
I remember her.
329
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:34,612
I can't make any promises,
but I'll go have a look.
330
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:38,483
How am I supposed to find
one picture...
331
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:42,520
From the thousands and thousands
I've taken of her?
332
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:45,023
Thank God I digitized them all.
333
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:48,259
Joe Chandler,
you perfectly sane genius.
334
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:49,694
There it is.
(mouse clicks)
335
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:53,798
(printer whirring)
336
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,167
Boop. And one for me.
337
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:59,037
(mouse clicks,
printer whirring)
338
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:04,642
Mmm. Mmm...mmm.
339
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,444
Well, looks like
we're in luck.
340
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:07,712
I found the picture.
341
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:10,181
Oh, that's amazing!
Thanks, Joe.
342
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,684
Now, would I be imposing
if I asked you
343
00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:14,519
to put a camera
in your pee hole?
344
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:15,787
What?
345
00:14:15,789 --> 00:14:17,088
Boop.
346
00:14:18,859 --> 00:14:21,793
Klaus, look.
Look where she's pointing.
347
00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:24,729
Oh, a big man clubbing
a baby seal?
348
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,497
That is not fair.
349
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:28,066
That's it, Klaus!
350
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,668
This is the moment she realized
life wasn't fair.
351
00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:31,903
That's her trigger.
352
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,504
Then we need
to recreate it.
353
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:35,473
That will snap her out
of the deep trance.
354
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:37,008
Let's go.
355
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:40,478
KLAUS: That Joe Chandler was
a cool dude.
356
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,547
Next time...
357
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,649
Next time I'll have bullets.
358
00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:49,354
(crickets chirping)
359
00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:51,990
(lowered voice) Jeff,
I love the symmetry of this.
360
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,892
Seeing a seal clubbed
to death
361
00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:56,027
is what broke happy Hayley
the first time,
362
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,997
and doing it again
will break her once more.
363
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,499
Klaus, we're not gonna
club a seal to death.
364
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,668
You're right. It doesn't
have to be a seal.
365
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:05,403
Just anything innocent.
366
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:09,407
The important thing
is the club...and the death.
367
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:13,511
No, 'cause that's what turned
her into frowny-faced Hayley.
368
00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:16,347
If we can just show her that
the world is unfair to animals
369
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:19,417
without murdering one, then
maybe she'll snap out of it,
370
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:22,620
but keep a little bit
of happy Hayley inside.
371
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,789
Oh, sucks.
372
00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:26,457
I thought we were
on the same page
373
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:28,159
the whole drive.
374
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:32,430
Why are we
at the fish zoo?
375
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,132
Oh, just for fun.
376
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:36,968
Hey, look at
the pretty seals!
377
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,703
Wait a minute.
378
00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:41,439
That's an awfully small place
for a seal to live.
379
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:44,375
It's not fair.
Right, Klaus?
380
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:45,810
Oh, yeah.
381
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:49,747
Look at these poor,
sweet, gentle creatures.
382
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:53,217
The lambs of the sea,
stuck their whole lives
383
00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:55,053
in a tiny...
384
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,788
There's one behind me,
isn't there?
385
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,723
And is it, like,
exactly the opposite
386
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,124
of how I described them?
387
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,393
(growls)
Aah!
388
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:05,229
Klaus!
Aah! Help me!
389
00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:06,464
Hold on!
390
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,067
Ohh! (panting)
391
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:11,336
In your face, seal.
You can't get me.
392
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:12,637
(growls)
Aah!
393
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,639
Seals can come on land?
394
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:17,108
I thought they had to stay
in the water like fish!
395
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:19,811
Oh, no. (gasps)
396
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:23,448
Evolve, Klaus. (gasps)
Evolve like the wind!
397
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:26,117
(grunts) Ow! Aah!
398
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,686
(growls)
Hey! (grunts)
399
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:32,757
(growling)
400
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:36,327
(barking)
Stay...away...from Klaus!
401
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,429
(panting)
402
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,132
Ooh! You killed it.
403
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,800
I want a mermaid key chain!
404
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:45,303
Oh, good, she didn't see me
kill the seal.
405
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,504
(click)
406
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,339
But we did.
407
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,174
(timer dings)
408
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:53,011
We did it, friends.
We cooked the perfect pork.
409
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:56,414
Wish you could try it,
but you're all dead.
410
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:04,222
(screaming)
411
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:07,825
(gasps) Oh, God!
412
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:10,528
The meaning of the dream
is so clear!
413
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,898
I gotta share this pork
with my friends immediately!
414
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:17,502
Oh, come on. Every morning?
Didn't you hear me?
415
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,470
There's no time. I need
to do the right thing
416
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:21,005
for my friends.
417
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:24,242
You should be
in that slow cooker, you pig.
418
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,080
(remote control clicks)
419
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:32,550
I know that's hard
to watch.
420
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,086
That's why I only showed it
to you 10 times.
421
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:37,822
Jeff Fischer broke
into the aquarium
422
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:41,526
and brutally killed a seal,
but not just any seal.
423
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:43,027
This was Harpy...
424
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:44,829
(remote control clicks)
...the cutest seal.
425
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,064
JURY: Aw.
426
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:47,432
I can't hear you!
427
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,100
JURY (louder): Aw!
428
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:52,103
The prosecution rests,
but not before a quick round
429
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,705
of high five
with this awesome jury!
430
00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:58,509
(cheers and applause,
upbeat theme music playing)
431
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,679
What's happening, daddy?
432
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:05,083
That man is on trial because
he did a bad thing to a seal.
433
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:07,952
I like seals.
I don't like that man.
434
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:09,887
No one does.
(gavel bangs)
435
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:12,223
So, does the defendant
want to waste our time
436
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:13,791
before the jury
finds him guilty?
437
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:16,094
We'd like to call
Dr. Penguin to the stand.
438
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,728
Huh?
Who's Dr. Penguin?
439
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,197
That'd be me.
440
00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,365
I can explain why Jeff
did what he did,
441
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:25,103
or if I may hypnotize
the jury, your honor?
442
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:26,971
Oh, fun! I'll allow it.
443
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:31,809
Jeff Fischer is not guilty.
444
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:35,246
Not guilty. With every swing
of the watch,
445
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:39,150
you'll find Jeff
a little less guilty.
446
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:41,986
We find the defendant
not guilty.
447
00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:43,488
Okay, cool.
448
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:45,556
Jeff Fischer, you're free to go.
(gavel bangs)
449
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,125
Yes!
(gallery shouting at once)
450
00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:48,626
Daddy, what's wrong?
451
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,962
The man who killed the seal
is being let go.
452
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:54,398
What?! But that's not fair!
That's not fair.
453
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,801
That's not fair.
(gruff voice) That's not fair.
454
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:58,069
(clears throat)
455
00:18:58,071 --> 00:18:59,403
(normal voice)
That's not fair.
456
00:18:59,405 --> 00:19:02,073
Oh. Whoa.
Where the hell am I?
457
00:19:02,075 --> 00:19:03,574
Ugh. Hayley's back.
458
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:05,843
Hayley! I've missed you
so much.
459
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:08,079
Missed me?
But where have I been?
460
00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:10,948
The real question is
when have you been?
461
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:13,451
(laughter)
462
00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,953
Seriously, guys, I can't account
for a lot of time,
463
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:17,622
and I'm kind of freaking out.
464
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,757
Will someone please explain
what's happening?
465
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,360
More like, who's happening,
right, guys?
466
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:25,997
(laughter)
467
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:27,832
(crickets chirping)
468
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,967
Guys, I'm sorry I got
carried away
469
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,669
with the slow cooker,
470
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,671
but my pursuit of perfection
was not totally in vain,
471
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,306
'cause like the pork,
472
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,542
our friendship has been
simmered to perfection.
473
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,110
Let's eat!
474
00:19:39,112 --> 00:19:41,512
Mmm. Mmm.
475
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:42,880
Divine.
476
00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:48,352
Yet it leaves
something behind.
477
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:49,987
Metallic, maybe?
478
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:53,157
Furry.
Almost moving?
479
00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:56,494
With perhaps
maggoty undertones?
480
00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:59,297
(siren wailing)
481
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,798
Who gave you
the stupid idea
482
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,501
you could eat
12-day-old pork?
483
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,136
He did!
484
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:08,873
(snorting)
485
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:12,243
He's pigs! He's pigs!
486
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,645
(grunts)
I gotta restrain this one.
487
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:17,381
He's on to us.
488
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,350
This isn't an ambulance!
489
00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:21,886
It's a goddamn hambulance!
490
00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,754
(snorting alarm wailing)
491
00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:25,389
(gasping)
492
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,592
Pigs. Pigs everywhere.
493
00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,227
They're all pigs.
494
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:30,928
I think Steve ate
a lot more than us.
495
00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:32,263
(grunting)
496
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:37,001
Thanks for looking out
for me, Jeff.
497
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,502
I'm glad to be back
to my old self,
498
00:20:38,504 --> 00:20:41,105
even if happy Hayley
is gone for good.
499
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,841
It's all right, babe.
I love you no matter what.
500
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,910
Hey, wanna grab a bite
before the P.E.T.A. protest?
501
00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,878
Sure. For some reason,
502
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,348
I could go for a scoop
of mint chip.
503
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:54,585
Hey! You're smiling, babe.
That's one for the scrapbook.
504
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,722
(camera shutter clicks,
whirs)
505
00:20:57,724 --> 00:21:00,024
(whispers) I hate this part.
506
00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:04,161
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
507
00:21:06,199 --> 00:21:08,032
-- Captions by VITAC --