1 00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:05,004 (sighs) 2 00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:06,638 I love springtime, 3 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,841 when the bulky sweatshirts come off, 4 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,877 and you can see which guys were in the gym all winter. 5 00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:14,346 What's that, snot? Why am I so distracted today? 6 00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,884 'Cause I'm craving something, something I've never had. 7 00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:20,686 Potato boobs! 8 00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,021 (chomping) 9 00:00:22,023 --> 00:00:24,523 you can have the starchy simulacra. 10 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:28,260 I need to -- nay, I will touch the real thing. 11 00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:35,868 Exactly! What kind of guys get boob at this school? 12 00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:38,037 I could be Tanya Johnson's baby. 13 00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:41,707 (speaks inaudibly) 14 00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,676 but he's doing that. Or... 15 00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:46,512 ¶¶ 16 00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:48,313 Hello. 17 00:00:48,315 --> 00:00:50,749 Varsity athletes touch boob! 18 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,818 'Cause they got those cool letter jackets! 19 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,954 (scoffs) And how are you gonna become a varsity athlete? 20 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,827 Hardly anyone's going out for water polo. 21 00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:04,263 I-it's like they're giving letter jackets away! 22 00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:06,598 Or you could buy a foreign knockoff jacket 23 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,167 and say you transferred in. 24 00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:12,037 I really think people don't remember us. 25 00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:14,573 ¶¶ 26 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:17,242 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 27 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:20,946 ¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶ 28 00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:24,083 ¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶ 29 00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:28,587 ¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶ 30 00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:33,425 ¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶ 31 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,028 ¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 32 00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:37,329 Aah! 33 00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:42,000 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 34 00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:47,573 (indistinct conversations) 35 00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:50,042 Man, these C.I.A. auctions are amazing. 36 00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:51,977 There's so much cool stuff. 37 00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:53,712 Hey, can we get a Farsi translator? 38 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:55,147 Please, please, please? 39 00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,949 Will you feed her and take her for walks? 40 00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:58,217 No. 41 00:01:58,219 --> 00:01:59,618 And sold! 42 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,453 This working hellfire missile 43 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,890 goes to the man stroking a cat menacingly in the front row. 44 00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:06,391 (chuckles) Oh, it's not for me. 45 00:02:06,393 --> 00:02:08,727 It's for downtown Pittsburgh. 46 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,662 (cat purrs) 47 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:13,999 Our next item is a 26-foot sailboat 48 00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:17,169 seized off the coast of Colombia. 49 00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:18,637 Wow. Wow. 50 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,906 I've always wanted to be a boat guy. 51 00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:23,075 I know, right? Hanging out on the deck, 52 00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:25,244 washing down fries from the marina café 53 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:26,845 with some cheap canned beer, 54 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:29,414 making constant small repairs, 55 00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:32,017 getting sunburned and complaining the whole time... 56 00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:33,652 Sounds like heaven. 57 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,455 Why don't we start the bidding at $5,000? 58 00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:38,624 Right here! I see $5,000. Do I have -- 59 00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:40,025 $10,000! $20,000! 60 00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:41,460 $50,000! 61 00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:43,028 What the hell is going on?! 62 00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:45,330 'Scusies? Has the Colombian boat 63 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,032 been searched for cocaine? 64 00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,601 Uh, yes. There is no cocaine on the boat. 65 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,370 -Take backs. -Me, too. I'm out. 66 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:54,339 Sold to the transvestite in the red dress. 67 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,341 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 68 00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,043 He is good. 69 00:02:58,045 --> 00:03:00,746 He's got a better eye than Garry Marshall. 70 00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,284 ¶¶ 71 00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:06,985 Good afternoon, men, 72 00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:09,688 and welcome to water polo tryouts. 73 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,557 I'm the new coach, James Hetfield. 74 00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,125 I know what you're thinking. 75 00:03:13,127 --> 00:03:16,195 "Whoa, the James Hetfield from Metallica?" 76 00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:17,729 The answer is no way... 77 00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,898 Even though I look and sound like him 78 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,633 and have all his guitars. 79 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,202 The point is, if I had to deal 80 00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:25,070 with the kind of pressure that guy's under, 81 00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:28,473 I'd probably crack and end up as a high school water polo coach. 82 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,175 So, it's a good thing that I'm just 83 00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,444 this very different James Hetfield. 84 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,516 Okay, I appreciate everyone's interest in the team, 85 00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:40,385 but I can only keep 13 boys. 86 00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,821 And...there are 13 of you trying out. 87 00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,056 Okay, we're good. 88 00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,857 Sweet! (door bangs open) 89 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,193 Not so... 90 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,529 Uhh! (groans) Not... 91 00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:52,497 Not so fast! 92 00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:55,434 I'll take my jacket in a women's medium. 93 00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:57,202 (water splashing) 94 00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:59,771 I got cut from water polo tryouts! 95 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,240 So you're not on a team, 96 00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:03,275 and I don't get to hang with the cool parents 97 00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:05,244 for yet another year. Gotcha. 98 00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:08,080 (spoon clatters) 99 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:10,282 Great. No one cares. I care. 100 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:12,351 Klaus? Wh-where are you? 101 00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:16,021 On the table, under a pair of Stan's workout shorts. 102 00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:18,357 He missed the dirty clothes hamper... 103 00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,359 by, like, 80 feet. 104 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,394 So tell me about this water polo tryout. 105 00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,929 How was your eggbeater? 106 00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,131 Were your dry passes not to the strong side hand? 107 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,966 Uh...I don't know. 108 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,968 Wha-- how do you know so much about water polo? 109 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,770 Eh, growing up, it was a terrific way 110 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,138 to avoid Turkish people. 111 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,973 Now I can give you some pointers, 112 00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,442 and we will force the coach to reconsider you. 113 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:38,710 Awesome! 114 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,312 I am going to make you 115 00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:44,049 the greatest water polo player in the world! 116 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:47,419 Yeah! Step aside, Peter Nordquis! 117 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:50,322 Wow. You really know your water polo. 118 00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:54,259 I was just making a name up. Welp, you got it right. 119 00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:55,861 Ready? Ready! 120 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,266 There seems to have been a misunderstanding 121 00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:03,769 about what kind of boat guys we're gonna be. 122 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,805 Whoa! Is it true you guys bought a sailboat?! What do you care? 123 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,675 I love sailing. I practically grew up on boats. 124 00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,243 I taught at sailing camp. 125 00:05:11,245 --> 00:05:12,911 It's the one thing I'm really good at. 126 00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,980 I guess, statistically, there had to be one. 127 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,648 If you ever need any help with the boat -- 128 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:17,983 No. I'd be happy to -- 129 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,384 (cocks gun) 130 00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:22,254 Guns are a great tool 131 00:05:22,256 --> 00:05:24,856 for keeping things from escalating out of control. 132 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,625 Now then, about this outfit disagreement... 133 00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:29,261 (cocks gun) You're gonna dress my way. 134 00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:31,530 Nice and easy. 135 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,665 See? This works! No talking! 136 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,967 Let's hit the marina. 137 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:37,469 (panting) I just got mugged! 138 00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:40,505 (both whistling) 139 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,613 Ugh. Look at your upper body bobbing and swaying. 140 00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:50,649 You look like a broken Barbie doll 141 00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,551 surfacing after a ferry sinking. 142 00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:55,187 Well, how do I stay still? 143 00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,656 Tuck your hips in. (grunts) Like this? 144 00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,424 Ugh. Here, watch me. 145 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,261 Like this. 146 00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,231 Dude, what is wrong with you? 147 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,866 I don't understand what I'm supposed to do! 148 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,302 You're supposed to do this. 149 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:14,673 Aah! Tuck..your...hips! 150 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,641 Ooh! 151 00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:20,545 Then you pick up a ball, eggbeater for elevation, 152 00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,447 and fire it into the back of the net. (grunts) 153 00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:25,717 Whoa. 154 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,052 Holy crap. 155 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,754 You "ratatouille"'d me! 156 00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:30,555 But it's not like I can go to tryouts with a -- 157 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,691 with a -- with a fish hanging on my shorts. 158 00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,593 I'm just gonna have to keep practicing 159 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:35,894 till I can do it myself. 160 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,330 (scoffs) A fish hanging on my shorts. 161 00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:40,599 You know, in Japan, a fish on your shorts 162 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:43,568 is eight years of neither good nor bad luck. 163 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:46,571 The Japanese are very superstitious. 164 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:50,409 (Metallica's "Master of Puppets" playing) 165 00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:53,612 (grunting) 166 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:57,449 (chuckles) Wow. Smith, you just made the team. 167 00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:58,784 ¶ Master! ¶ 168 00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,185 ¶ Master! ¶ (crank clicking) 169 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:03,021 ¶ Master! ¶ 170 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:06,191 I don't know what got into you, but I love it. 171 00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,193 You're stronger, more confident. 172 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:11,129 Even your package looks bigger. Well done. 173 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:19,704 Nothing wrong with a fish hanging in your shorts. 174 00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:24,142 (both laughing maniacally) 175 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:26,978 There's probably a few things wrong with it. 176 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,483 ¶¶ 177 00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:34,719 (spectators murmuring) 178 00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:39,224 Look at those guys with their tit-eating grins. 179 00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:40,992 Time to join 'em. 180 00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:43,228 All right, Klaus. Take the curly reins. 181 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,432 (high-pitched voice) Aah! Let's go, Scottie! 182 00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:50,001 Focus, Matt! Please note that I'm here, Nick! 183 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,803 I have to go back to work soon! 184 00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,008 (whistle blows) 185 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,643 ("Master of Puppets" playing) 186 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,312 (spectators cheer) 187 00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,781 ¶¶ 188 00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,249 (spectators cheer) 189 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,521 (grunts) (spectators cheer) 190 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:15,327 ¶ Obey your master ¶ 191 00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,863 Yah! (spectators cheer) 192 00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:20,298 ¶¶ 193 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,334 Wow! Uh...go, Steve! 194 00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,302 WOMAN: You're Steve's mom? 195 00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:26,605 (hesitantly) Yes? Your son's a superstar! 196 00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:28,173 What are you doing way over there? 197 00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,674 You have to sit with us! 198 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:32,210 Really? With the cool parents? 199 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:35,647 Let me just check for something in my purse. 200 00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:38,149 Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! 201 00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,451 (bleep) Yes! 202 00:08:39,453 --> 00:08:42,687 ¶ Master! Master! ¶ (cheering) 203 00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:46,658 Great first game, men. That was as exciting 204 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,127 as singing in front of 70,000 people 205 00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:51,663 at Giants Stadium... I would imagine. 206 00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,498 Tell you what. You keep the wins going, 207 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:55,834 I'm taking you all to Raging Waters, 208 00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,536 and everyone can bring a friend. 209 00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:01,239 (cheering) I'm bringing David! 210 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,179 You hear that, buddy? Raging Waters. 211 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:13,018 So much water, so much rage. It sounds lovely. 212 00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,020 Well, you're gonna be my plus-one. 213 00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:17,923 Really? Of course. You're my partner. 214 00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:20,892 Hell, right now you're my best friend in the whole world. 215 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,362 (breathing unevenly) 216 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,898 (sobbing quietly) 217 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,867 (fizzles) 218 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,869 (water lapping, seabird calling) 219 00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:33,338 (boat approaching) 220 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,075 Slow down! No wake! 221 00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:40,345 Assholes. 222 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,147 (can crunches, water splashes) 223 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,084 Thanks, buddy. (slurps) 224 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,753 Hey, you think we should, uh, sand something? 225 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,789 Something always needs sanding. 226 00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:53,291 (scratching) 227 00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,226 (can crunches) Whew! Hot work. 228 00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:56,962 I could use another cold one, Stan. 229 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,797 Oh, I think we're out. 230 00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:01,232 Who the...what the... 231 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,802 (angelic music plays) You boys looked dry. 232 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,072 (fizzes) Welcome to the marina. 233 00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:09,374 Or as they say in Spanish, 234 00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,876 bienvenidos to the marina. 235 00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:13,378 I'm Van Dusen. 236 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:14,980 I'm Roger, and this is Stan. 237 00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,715 We're just up from the B.V.I. 238 00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:18,383 (gulps) Ahh. Good sail. 239 00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,218 (gulps) Good sail. (gulps) Good sail. Good sail. 240 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:23,054 You, uh...painting after you sand? 241 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,923 You know it. Ain't that just how it goes? 242 00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,291 It surely is. 243 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,826 You know what I tell my friends 244 00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:30,095 when they ask what it's like to own a boat? 245 00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:33,798 I say, "stand under a cold shower 246 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,334 and tear up $100 bills." 247 00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:38,670 (laughing) Oh, my God, you're perfect! 248 00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:40,772 That's such a perfect thing to say! 249 00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:43,241 (chuckles) It surely is. 250 00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:47,045 Well, I'll see ya, boys. I got a fuel line to patch. 251 00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:51,249 Did you see all the melanomas on his arms? 252 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,651 That's a boat guy. 253 00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:54,619 And now we are, too. (clink) 254 00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:56,955 How's the sanding going? I think I've been sanding a window. 255 00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,289 Cool. 256 00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:00,792 ¶¶ 257 00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,160 Morning, mom. 258 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,195 Sit, Steve. I made you breakfast. 259 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,164 I-I'm kind of running late for school, and -- 260 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,033 This is just a little thank-you 261 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:11,269 for turning me into one of the cool jock parents. 262 00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,604 Well, I'm glad to help. 263 00:11:12,606 --> 00:11:15,040 I never thought I'd be part of their world 264 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,977 because you and Hayley have always sucked at everything. 265 00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:21,446 Hey. What's for breakfast? Nothin'. Beat it. 266 00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,549 (Metallica's "All Nightmare Long" plays) 267 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:27,519 ¶ 'Cause we hunt you down without mercy ¶ 268 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:30,855 ¶ Hunt you down all nightmare long ¶ 269 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:33,491 ¶ Feel us breathe upon your face ¶ 270 00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:36,194 ¶ Feel us shift, every move we trace ¶ 271 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,963 ¶ Hunt you down without mercy ¶ 272 00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:40,799 ¶ Hunt you down all night -- ¶ 273 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,500 (camera shutter clicks) 274 00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:44,035 Hey! No cameras! 275 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,837 Are you reaching for something? 276 00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,338 Only greatness. 277 00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:48,807 I'm Amy Reed, sports editor 278 00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,308 of the Pearl Bailey Gazette. 279 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:52,377 A girl trying to make it in a boys' world. 280 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,045 I respect the hell out of that. 281 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,847 You're taking the school by storm, 282 00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:58,049 and I want to know what makes you so good. 283 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,151 My laser-like focus. 284 00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:02,420 (breathily) Oh, my. 285 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:03,922 To be continued. 286 00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:09,094 Okay, the new name for your shorts is "The Bone Yard," 287 00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:11,563 'cause there were so many bones in there. 288 00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:13,031 Wait, did -- did you also have a -- 289 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,933 Oh, don't tell me you didn't feel mine, bro. 290 00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:17,168 That's bullshit, man. 291 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,070 (seabirds calling) 292 00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:24,342 Ugh. Soggy. 293 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,010 I can't get a single fry in my mouth! 294 00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:28,413 (thud) Aah! I didn't ask for a beer! 295 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:31,449 Throwing beers is the only thing that breaks up the monotony. 296 00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:33,685 Owning a boat sucks. It does. 297 00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:35,787 It's just constant maintenance. 298 00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:39,023 Should we...I don't know, try sailing it? 299 00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:41,926 Where? Where in the ocean do you need to go? 300 00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:45,597 Uh, here's the bill for this month's slip fee. 301 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,467 Are you kidding me? Oh, my God! 302 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,637 $14?! That's an hour of kiln time! 303 00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,272 That's it. We're sellin' the boat. 304 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,607 Heh, good luck. 305 00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:58,977 I've been trying to sell mine for 15 years. 306 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:03,248 Trouble is, most people know how stupid it is to own a boat. 307 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:05,583 Sometimes I just wish this thing would sink 308 00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,652 so I could get the insurance money. 309 00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:10,321 That gives me an idea. 310 00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:11,890 Me, too. 311 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:14,058 Oh, I love it when we have ideas at the same time! 312 00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:16,661 So do I! Bring it in. 313 00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,263 (lowered voice) I think we should get Pinkberry. 314 00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:20,298 (lowered voice) Oh, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. 315 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,301 And after that, let's commit... (whispers) insurance fraud. 316 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,304 (whispers) It's so easy to make plans with you. 317 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,807 ¶¶ 318 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,441 Hey, Klaus. 319 00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:33,344 I see Amy's water polo story came out in the school paper. 320 00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:36,147 Yeah, pretty cool. She calls me the "pool shark." 321 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:39,951 "When asked how he got so good at water polo, Smith replied, 322 00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:43,188 "'by being totally awesome all by myself with no help. 323 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,589 #Blessed'" 324 00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,324 What is this crap?! 325 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,960 Come on! I couldn't say I had a fish in my shorts. 326 00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:50,662 I-I'd get kicked off the team! 327 00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,297 You wouldn't even be on the team 328 00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:54,599 if I wasn't steering you by the pubes. 329 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,801 Ugh, Klaus, stop being such a baby. 330 00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:58,269 It's one stupid article. 331 00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,271 Yeah, but -- But nothing! 332 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,473 I'm not forgetting about you, I swear to God! 333 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:04,943 (horn honks) Oh, that's the bus to Raging Waters. 334 00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:07,178 Great, I'll get my stuff. 335 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,446 I'm ready. 336 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:09,781 Oh. Yeah... 337 00:14:09,783 --> 00:14:11,382 Ugh. 338 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,184 Um, about that... 339 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,955 Come on, Steve! Thanks for inviting me! 340 00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:18,690 Dude. 341 00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:22,393 I know I invited you first, but you can't compete with that. 342 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:29,033 If it's competition you want, then prepare to lose. 343 00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,301 Uh, but not right now, of course, 344 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:31,736 because you're killing it. 345 00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,638 You're taking a hot girl to a water park, 346 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:37,876 and I'm stuck home in a bowl. But things can change. 347 00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:42,747 Oh, yes, change is in the air. 348 00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:46,951 Change is a-comin'. Chan-- 349 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,489 ¶¶ 350 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,758 It's been a hell of a season, men. 351 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,060 You've played for me, for each other, 352 00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,996 and for this letter jacket. 353 00:14:57,998 --> 00:15:01,032 Now let's go send Fairfax Country Day School... 354 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:04,402 ¶ Off to never-never land, ah ¶ 355 00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,012 'Sup? Ready to do this? 356 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,847 I'm thinking today 357 00:15:15,849 --> 00:15:18,549 the pool shark will be doing it by himself. 358 00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:21,052 I'm too engrossed in this week's cafeteria menu. 359 00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,054 (sighs) Is this about Raging Waters? 360 00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:25,056 Sloppy Joe Friday. 361 00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:27,058 Start your weekend on the toilet. 362 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,961 Fine. I don't need you. Yeah, yeah. 363 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,596 This is gonna be like the part of "Ratatouille" 364 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,031 when the human realizes 365 00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,532 he doesn't need the rat anymore, 366 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:36,734 and then he's really successful on his own, 367 00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:39,103 and then the movie ends. 368 00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,905 The movie doesn't end 369 00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:44,075 when you fall asleep with your blankie, Steve. 370 00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:45,410 (whistle blows, players shouting) 371 00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:50,448 (grunting) 372 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,617 Ohh! Aah! 373 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,886 The hell's wrong with you, Smith?! 374 00:15:54,888 --> 00:15:56,454 Is Steve all right? 375 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,891 I don't think so. He's losing his mother's love. 376 00:15:59,893 --> 00:16:02,560 (grunting) 377 00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:05,596 Look at you, quivering like the Italian Army. 378 00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:08,333 That's because your legs are as weak as the Italian Air Force, 379 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:11,235 which is why you've taken fewer shots than the Italian Navy. 380 00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:12,837 I'm not just gonna float here 381 00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:15,440 and let you compare me to the entire Italian armed forces. 382 00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:19,143 Well, what are you gonna do about it, paisan? 383 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,611 I'm gonna use all my strength 384 00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,847 to be the pool shark I know I can be! 385 00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:26,384 (triumphant music playing) 386 00:16:32,926 --> 00:16:34,759 (ball bouncing) 387 00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,794 (spectators groaning) Oh! Just missed. 388 00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:41,165 (weakly) And I used... all my strength. 389 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,500 ¶¶ 390 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,335 (thinking) Oh, God. 391 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,138 Am I drowning? 392 00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,307 I am drowning. 393 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:52,610 My life is flashing before my eyes. 394 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,112 (singsongy) Come to Mama! 395 00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:57,548 (thud) 396 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,020 What?! No! 397 00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:04,355 Have fun tonight, honey. 398 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:07,392 Give him everything he wants. 399 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,460 You bet. 400 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,464 (both moaning) 401 00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,967 No! Those are my boobs! 402 00:17:15,969 --> 00:17:18,636 Stop...ignoring me. 403 00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:27,779 (grunts) Hmm. 404 00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:40,725 (bubbling) 405 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,760 Whoa. 406 00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:46,030 (coughing, sputtering) 407 00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:48,332 You okay? (coughs) 408 00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:52,503 Yeah. Yeah, I'm better than okay. 409 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:56,707 It took me being underwater to finally see things clearly. 410 00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:59,243 That's a great lyric. 411 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:02,246 I got my confidence back. I quit. 412 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,051 I have a confession to make. 413 00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:09,520 I didn't become a great water polo player 414 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,122 all by myself. 415 00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:14,225 In fact, the guy that made me great is here today. 416 00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,960 (lowered voice) Dude, what are you doing? 417 00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:19,797 You see, sometimes one member of the team gets the spotlight, 418 00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,265 even though he couldn't have done it 419 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,469 without another member -- an important member. 420 00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:27,205 I'm talking about the little guy in my swimsuit. 421 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:29,807 And I think it's time for everybody to meet him. 422 00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:32,143 SPECTATORS (gasp): OOH. 423 00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:35,980 Welp, it was a good run. 424 00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:38,149 KLAUS: Stop! You'll lose everything. 425 00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,718 This guy doesn't get the attention he deserves. 426 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,254 Maybe 'cause he's so small. Prove it! 427 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:46,624 'Scuse me. Sorry. Just making my way out. 428 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,259 I know how this ends. 429 00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:49,961 He gets a little shy. 430 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,964 M-maybe if I stroke him a bit, he'll pop his head out. 431 00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,632 That's so gross. 432 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,135 I'm so cold. 433 00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:58,669 Are you a varsity athlete? 434 00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,805 No. My dad owns a jacket company. 435 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,107 Oh, my God. (giggles) 436 00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,309 Okay, everybody, I see how this looks. 437 00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:08,346 I'm not a weirdo. I just have a fish in my shorts. 438 00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:10,281 He's been helping me get a jacket. 439 00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,817 Seemed like a good way to get to second base. 440 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,453 Thinking about switching schools. 441 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,955 (seabirds calling) 442 00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:20,091 I think she's ready. Shipshape. 443 00:19:20,093 --> 00:19:24,328 Hey, guys! I'm so psyched you invited me to take the boat out! 444 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,631 Well, Jeff, we realized how selfish we'd been, 445 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:29,133 and we wanted to share the boat-guy lifestyle 446 00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:30,601 with someone who'd appreciate it. 447 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,604 Awesome. So, can I cast off? 448 00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:36,007 You mean drive it? Yeah, sure, knock yourself out. 449 00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:37,708 Hey, dad. 450 00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:40,645 Whoa! Hayley, Hayley, we just invited Jeff to go sailing. 451 00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,680 But it's our anniversary. Of what? 452 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,282 Being married. 453 00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:47,385 And what better way to celebrate than a sunset sail? 454 00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,020 Eh, mind the lines. 455 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:55,059 (adventurous music playing) 456 00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:06,537 So that's what sailing's supposed to look like. 457 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,806 Would've been cool if we'd done that. Yeah. 458 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,374 So, how long till the boat sinks? 459 00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:12,243 Mm, as soon as the painter's tape 460 00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:15,880 that's covering the big hole in the bottom disintegrates. 461 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,548 Well, let's go get 'em and collect 462 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,217 that sweet boat insurance. 463 00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:21,552 Boat insurance? Who insures a boat? 464 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,321 I thought the play was life insurance. 465 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:26,490 What? I took out a very aggressive policy on Jeff. 466 00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:28,426 Damn it, Roger, we can't let them drown! 467 00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:32,163 It's, uh, it's actually a pretty important part of the plan. 468 00:20:32,165 --> 00:20:34,332 The -- the, uh, crux, if you will. 469 00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,833 Ugh, forget it. They lived. 470 00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,602 (both grunt) 471 00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,571 (panting) that was horrible! The boat just sank! 472 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:43,274 And the life jackets didn't help at all! 473 00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:44,842 It's like they're filled with sand. 474 00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:46,911 Roger! It wasn't me! 475 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,113 Wait a minute. (click) 476 00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:53,618 Cocaine! 477 00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:55,886 Stan, do you know what this means?! 478 00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:59,890 I sure do. It means all three of you are going to prison. 479 00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:02,126 (click) Wait, what? 480 00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,128 Bye! Have a beautiful time!