1
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:05,004
(sighs)
2
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:06,638
I love springtime,
3
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,841
when the bulky sweatshirts
come off,
4
00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,877
and you can see which guys
were in the gym all winter.
5
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:14,346
What's that, snot?
Why am I so distracted today?
6
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,884
'Cause I'm craving something,
something I've never had.
7
00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:20,686
Potato boobs!
8
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,021
(chomping)
9
00:00:22,023 --> 00:00:24,523
you can have
the starchy simulacra.
10
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:28,260
I need to -- nay, I will touch
the real thing.
11
00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:35,868
Exactly! What kind of guys
get boob at this school?
12
00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:38,037
I could be
Tanya Johnson's baby.
13
00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:41,707
(speaks inaudibly)
14
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,676
but he's doing that. Or...
15
00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:46,512
¶¶
16
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:48,313
Hello.
17
00:00:48,315 --> 00:00:50,749
Varsity athletes
touch boob!
18
00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,818
'Cause they got
those cool letter jackets!
19
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,954
(scoffs) And how are you gonna
become a varsity athlete?
20
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,827
Hardly anyone's going out
for water polo.
21
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:04,263
I-it's like they're
giving letter jackets away!
22
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:06,598
Or you could buy
a foreign knockoff jacket
23
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,167
and say you transferred in.
24
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:12,037
I really think people
don't remember us.
25
00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:14,573
¶¶
26
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:17,242
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
27
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:20,946
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
28
00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:24,083
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
29
00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:28,587
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
30
00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:33,425
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
31
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,028
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
32
00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:37,329
Aah!
33
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:42,000
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
34
00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:47,573
(indistinct conversations)
35
00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:50,042
Man, these C.I.A. auctions
are amazing.
36
00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:51,977
There's so much cool stuff.
37
00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:53,712
Hey, can we get
a Farsi translator?
38
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:55,147
Please, please, please?
39
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,949
Will you feed her
and take her for walks?
40
00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:58,217
No.
41
00:01:58,219 --> 00:01:59,618
And sold!
42
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,453
This working hellfire missile
43
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,890
goes to the man stroking a cat
menacingly in the front row.
44
00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:06,391
(chuckles)
Oh, it's not for me.
45
00:02:06,393 --> 00:02:08,727
It's for downtown Pittsburgh.
46
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,662
(cat purrs)
47
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:13,999
Our next item is
a 26-foot sailboat
48
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:17,169
seized off the coast
of Colombia.
49
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:18,637
Wow.
Wow.
50
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,906
I've always wanted to be
a boat guy.
51
00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:23,075
I know, right?
Hanging out on the deck,
52
00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:25,244
washing down fries
from the marina café
53
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:26,845
with some cheap canned beer,
54
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:29,414
making constant small repairs,
55
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:32,017
getting sunburned and
complaining the whole time...
56
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:33,652
Sounds like heaven.
57
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,455
Why don't we start the bidding
at $5,000?
58
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:38,624
Right here!
I see $5,000. Do I have --
59
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:40,025
$10,000!
$20,000!
60
00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:41,460
$50,000!
61
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:43,028
What the hell is going on?!
62
00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:45,330
'Scusies?
Has the Colombian boat
63
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,032
been searched for cocaine?
64
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,601
Uh, yes. There is no cocaine
on the boat.
65
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,370
-Take backs.
-Me, too.
I'm out.
66
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:54,339
Sold to the transvestite
in the red dress.
67
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,341
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
68
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,043
He is good.
69
00:02:58,045 --> 00:03:00,746
He's got a better eye
than Garry Marshall.
70
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,284
¶¶
71
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:06,985
Good afternoon, men,
72
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:09,688
and welcome to
water polo tryouts.
73
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,557
I'm the new coach,
James Hetfield.
74
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,125
I know what you're thinking.
75
00:03:13,127 --> 00:03:16,195
"Whoa, the James Hetfield
from Metallica?"
76
00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:17,729
The answer is no way...
77
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,898
Even though
I look and sound like him
78
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,633
and have all his guitars.
79
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,202
The point is, if I had to deal
80
00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:25,070
with the kind of pressure
that guy's under,
81
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:28,473
I'd probably crack and end up as
a high school water polo coach.
82
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,175
So, it's a good thing
that I'm just
83
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,444
this very different
James Hetfield.
84
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,516
Okay, I appreciate
everyone's interest in the team,
85
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:40,385
but I can only keep 13 boys.
86
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,821
And...there are 13 of you
trying out.
87
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,056
Okay, we're good.
88
00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,857
Sweet!
(door bangs open)
89
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,193
Not so...
90
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,529
Uhh! (groans) Not...
91
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:52,497
Not so fast!
92
00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:55,434
I'll take my jacket
in a women's medium.
93
00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:57,202
(water splashing)
94
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:59,771
I got cut
from water polo tryouts!
95
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,240
So you're not on a team,
96
00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:03,275
and I don't get to hang
with the cool parents
97
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:05,244
for yet another year.
Gotcha.
98
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:08,080
(spoon clatters)
99
00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:10,282
Great. No one cares.
I care.
100
00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:12,351
Klaus? Wh-where are you?
101
00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:16,021
On the table, under a pair
of Stan's workout shorts.
102
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:18,357
He missed
the dirty clothes hamper...
103
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,359
by, like, 80 feet.
104
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,394
So tell me about
this water polo tryout.
105
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,929
How was your eggbeater?
106
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,131
Were your dry passes not to
the strong side hand?
107
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,966
Uh...I don't know.
108
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,968
Wha-- how do you know so much
about water polo?
109
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,770
Eh, growing up,
it was a terrific way
110
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,138
to avoid Turkish people.
111
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,973
Now I can give you
some pointers,
112
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,442
and we will force the coach
to reconsider you.
113
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:38,710
Awesome!
114
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,312
I am going to make you
115
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:44,049
the greatest water polo player
in the world!
116
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:47,419
Yeah!
Step aside, Peter Nordquis!
117
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:50,322
Wow. You really know
your water polo.
118
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:54,259
I was just making a name up.
Welp, you got it right.
119
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:55,861
Ready?
Ready!
120
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,266
There seems to have been
a misunderstanding
121
00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:03,769
about what kind of boat guys
we're gonna be.
122
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,805
Whoa! Is it true you guys
bought a sailboat?!
What do you care?
123
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,675
I love sailing. I practically
grew up on boats.
124
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,243
I taught at sailing camp.
125
00:05:11,245 --> 00:05:12,911
It's the one thing
I'm really good at.
126
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,980
I guess, statistically,
there had to be one.
127
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,648
If you ever need any help
with the boat --
128
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:17,983
No.
I'd be happy to --
129
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,384
(cocks gun)
130
00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:22,254
Guns are a great tool
131
00:05:22,256 --> 00:05:24,856
for keeping things from
escalating out of control.
132
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,625
Now then, about this outfit
disagreement...
133
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:29,261
(cocks gun)
You're gonna dress my way.
134
00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:31,530
Nice and easy.
135
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,665
See? This works!
No talking!
136
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,967
Let's hit the marina.
137
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:37,469
(panting)
I just got mugged!
138
00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:40,505
(both whistling)
139
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,613
Ugh. Look at your upper body
bobbing and swaying.
140
00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:50,649
You look like
a broken Barbie doll
141
00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,551
surfacing
after a ferry sinking.
142
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:55,187
Well, how do I stay still?
143
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,656
Tuck your hips in.
(grunts) Like this?
144
00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,424
Ugh. Here, watch me.
145
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,261
Like this.
146
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,231
Dude, what is wrong
with you?
147
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,866
I don't understand
what I'm supposed to do!
148
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,302
You're supposed to do this.
149
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:14,673
Aah!
Tuck..your...hips!
150
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,641
Ooh!
151
00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:20,545
Then you pick up a ball,
eggbeater for elevation,
152
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,447
and fire it into
the back of the net.
(grunts)
153
00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:25,717
Whoa.
154
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,052
Holy crap.
155
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,754
You "ratatouille"'d me!
156
00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:30,555
But it's not like
I can go to tryouts with a --
157
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,691
with a -- with a fish
hanging on my shorts.
158
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,593
I'm just gonna
have to keep practicing
159
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:35,894
till I can do it myself.
160
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,330
(scoffs)
A fish hanging on my shorts.
161
00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:40,599
You know, in Japan,
a fish on your shorts
162
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:43,568
is eight years of
neither good nor bad luck.
163
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:46,571
The Japanese
are very superstitious.
164
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:50,409
(Metallica's
"Master of Puppets" playing)
165
00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:53,612
(grunting)
166
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:57,449
(chuckles) Wow.
Smith, you just made the team.
167
00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:58,784
¶ Master! ¶
168
00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,185
¶ Master! ¶
(crank clicking)
169
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:03,021
¶ Master! ¶
170
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:06,191
I don't know what got into you,
but I love it.
171
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,193
You're stronger,
more confident.
172
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:11,129
Even your package looks bigger.
Well done.
173
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:19,704
Nothing wrong with
a fish hanging in your shorts.
174
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:24,142
(both laughing maniacally)
175
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:26,978
There's probably a few things
wrong with it.
176
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,483
¶¶
177
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:34,719
(spectators murmuring)
178
00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:39,224
Look at those guys
with their tit-eating grins.
179
00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:40,992
Time to join 'em.
180
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:43,228
All right, Klaus.
Take the curly reins.
181
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,432
(high-pitched voice) Aah!
Let's go, Scottie!
182
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:50,001
Focus, Matt!
Please note that I'm here, Nick!
183
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,803
I have to go back
to work soon!
184
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,008
(whistle blows)
185
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,643
("Master of Puppets" playing)
186
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,312
(spectators cheer)
187
00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,781
¶¶
188
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,249
(spectators cheer)
189
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,521
(grunts)
(spectators cheer)
190
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:15,327
¶ Obey your master ¶
191
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,863
Yah!
(spectators cheer)
192
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:20,298
¶¶
193
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,334
Wow! Uh...go, Steve!
194
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,302
WOMAN: You're Steve's mom?
195
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:26,605
(hesitantly) Yes?
Your son's a superstar!
196
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:28,173
What are you doing
way over there?
197
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,674
You have to sit with us!
198
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:32,210
Really?
With the cool parents?
199
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:35,647
Let me just check for something
in my purse.
200
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:38,149
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
201
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,451
(bleep) Yes!
202
00:08:39,453 --> 00:08:42,687
¶ Master! Master! ¶
(cheering)
203
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:46,658
Great first game, men.
That was as exciting
204
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,127
as singing in front
of 70,000 people
205
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:51,663
at Giants Stadium...
I would imagine.
206
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,498
Tell you what.
You keep the wins going,
207
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:55,834
I'm taking you all
to Raging Waters,
208
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,536
and everyone can
bring a friend.
209
00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:01,239
(cheering)
I'm bringing David!
210
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,179
You hear that, buddy?
Raging Waters.
211
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:13,018
So much water, so much rage.
It sounds lovely.
212
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,020
Well, you're gonna be
my plus-one.
213
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:17,923
Really?
Of course. You're my partner.
214
00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:20,892
Hell, right now you're my
best friend in the whole world.
215
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,362
(breathing unevenly)
216
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,898
(sobbing quietly)
217
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,867
(fizzles)
218
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,869
(water lapping,
seabird calling)
219
00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:33,338
(boat approaching)
220
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,075
Slow down!
No wake!
221
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:40,345
Assholes.
222
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,147
(can crunches, water splashes)
223
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,084
Thanks, buddy. (slurps)
224
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,753
Hey, you think we should, uh,
sand something?
225
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,789
Something always needs
sanding.
226
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:53,291
(scratching)
227
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,226
(can crunches)
Whew! Hot work.
228
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:56,962
I could use
another cold one, Stan.
229
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,797
Oh, I think we're out.
230
00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:01,232
Who the...what the...
231
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,802
(angelic music plays)
You boys looked dry.
232
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,072
(fizzes)
Welcome to the marina.
233
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:09,374
Or as they say in Spanish,
234
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,876
bienvenidos to the marina.
235
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:13,378
I'm Van Dusen.
236
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:14,980
I'm Roger,
and this is Stan.
237
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,715
We're just up
from the B.V.I.
238
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:18,383
(gulps) Ahh. Good sail.
239
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,218
(gulps) Good sail.
(gulps) Good sail. Good sail.
240
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:23,054
You, uh...painting
after you sand?
241
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,923
You know it.
Ain't that just how it goes?
242
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,291
It surely is.
243
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,826
You know what
I tell my friends
244
00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:30,095
when they ask what it's like
to own a boat?
245
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:33,798
I say,
"stand under a cold shower
246
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,334
and tear up $100 bills."
247
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:38,670
(laughing) Oh, my God,
you're perfect!
248
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:40,772
That's such a perfect thing
to say!
249
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:43,241
(chuckles) It surely is.
250
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:47,045
Well, I'll see ya, boys.
I got a fuel line to patch.
251
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:51,249
Did you see all the melanomas
on his arms?
252
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,651
That's a boat guy.
253
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:54,619
And now we are, too.
(clink)
254
00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:56,955
How's the sanding going?
I think I've been sanding
a window.
255
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,289
Cool.
256
00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:00,792
¶¶
257
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,160
Morning, mom.
258
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,195
Sit, Steve.
I made you breakfast.
259
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,164
I-I'm kind of running late
for school, and --
260
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,033
This is just
a little thank-you
261
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:11,269
for turning me into
one of the cool jock parents.
262
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,604
Well, I'm glad to help.
263
00:11:12,606 --> 00:11:15,040
I never thought I'd be
part of their world
264
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,977
because you and Hayley have
always sucked at everything.
265
00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:21,446
Hey. What's for breakfast?
Nothin'. Beat it.
266
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,549
(Metallica's
"All Nightmare Long" plays)
267
00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:27,519
¶ 'Cause we hunt you down
without mercy ¶
268
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:30,855
¶ Hunt you down
all nightmare long ¶
269
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:33,491
¶ Feel us breathe
upon your face ¶
270
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:36,194
¶ Feel us shift,
every move we trace ¶
271
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,963
¶ Hunt you down without mercy ¶
272
00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:40,799
¶ Hunt you down all night -- ¶
273
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,500
(camera shutter clicks)
274
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:44,035
Hey! No cameras!
275
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,837
Are you reaching
for something?
276
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,338
Only greatness.
277
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:48,807
I'm Amy Reed, sports editor
278
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,308
of the Pearl Bailey Gazette.
279
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:52,377
A girl trying to make it
in a boys' world.
280
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,045
I respect the hell
out of that.
281
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,847
You're taking the school
by storm,
282
00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:58,049
and I want to know
what makes you so good.
283
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,151
My laser-like focus.
284
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:02,420
(breathily) Oh, my.
285
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:03,922
To be continued.
286
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:09,094
Okay, the new name for
your shorts is "The Bone Yard,"
287
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:11,563
'cause there were
so many bones in there.
288
00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:13,031
Wait, did -- did you also
have a --
289
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,933
Oh, don't tell me you didn't
feel mine, bro.
290
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:17,168
That's bullshit, man.
291
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,070
(seabirds calling)
292
00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:24,342
Ugh. Soggy.
293
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,010
I can't get a single fry
in my mouth!
294
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:28,413
(thud)
Aah! I didn't ask for a beer!
295
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:31,449
Throwing beers is the only thing
that breaks up the monotony.
296
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:33,685
Owning a boat sucks.
It does.
297
00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:35,787
It's just
constant maintenance.
298
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:39,023
Should we...I don't know,
try sailing it?
299
00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:41,926
Where? Where in the ocean
do you need to go?
300
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:45,597
Uh, here's the bill
for this month's slip fee.
301
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,467
Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God!
302
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,637
$14?! That's an hour
of kiln time!
303
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,272
That's it.
We're sellin' the boat.
304
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,607
Heh, good luck.
305
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:58,977
I've been trying to sell mine
for 15 years.
306
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:03,248
Trouble is, most people know
how stupid it is to own a boat.
307
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:05,583
Sometimes I just wish
this thing would sink
308
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,652
so I could get
the insurance money.
309
00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:10,321
That gives me an idea.
310
00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:11,890
Me, too.
311
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:14,058
Oh, I love it when we have
ideas at the same time!
312
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:16,661
So do I! Bring it in.
313
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,263
(lowered voice) I think
we should get Pinkberry.
314
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:20,298
(lowered voice) Oh, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
315
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,301
And after that, let's commit...
(whispers) insurance fraud.
316
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,304
(whispers) It's so easy
to make plans with you.
317
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,807
¶¶
318
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,441
Hey, Klaus.
319
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:33,344
I see Amy's water polo story
came out in the school paper.
320
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:36,147
Yeah, pretty cool.
She calls me the "pool shark."
321
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:39,951
"When asked how he got so good
at water polo, Smith replied,
322
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:43,188
"'by being totally awesome
all by myself with no help.
323
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,589
#Blessed'"
324
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,324
What is this crap?!
325
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,960
Come on! I couldn't say
I had a fish in my shorts.
326
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:50,662
I-I'd get kicked off
the team!
327
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,297
You wouldn't even
be on the team
328
00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:54,599
if I wasn't steering you
by the pubes.
329
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,801
Ugh, Klaus, stop being
such a baby.
330
00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:58,269
It's one stupid article.
331
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,271
Yeah, but --
But nothing!
332
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,473
I'm not forgetting about you,
I swear to God!
333
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:04,943
(horn honks)
Oh, that's the bus
to Raging Waters.
334
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:07,178
Great, I'll get my stuff.
335
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,446
I'm ready.
336
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:09,781
Oh. Yeah...
337
00:14:09,783 --> 00:14:11,382
Ugh.
338
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,184
Um, about that...
339
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,955
Come on, Steve!
Thanks for inviting me!
340
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:18,690
Dude.
341
00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:22,393
I know I invited you first,
but you can't compete with that.
342
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:29,033
If it's competition you want,
then prepare to lose.
343
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,301
Uh, but not right now,
of course,
344
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:31,736
because you're killing it.
345
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,638
You're taking a hot girl
to a water park,
346
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:37,876
and I'm stuck home in a bowl.
But things can change.
347
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:42,747
Oh, yes, change is in the air.
348
00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:46,951
Change is a-comin'.
Chan--
349
00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,489
¶¶
350
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,758
It's been a hell of a season,
men.
351
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,060
You've played for me,
for each other,
352
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,996
and for this letter jacket.
353
00:14:57,998 --> 00:15:01,032
Now let's go send
Fairfax Country Day School...
354
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:04,402
¶ Off to never-never land, ah ¶
355
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,012
'Sup?
Ready to do this?
356
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,847
I'm thinking today
357
00:15:15,849 --> 00:15:18,549
the pool shark will be
doing it by himself.
358
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:21,052
I'm too engrossed
in this week's cafeteria menu.
359
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,054
(sighs) Is this about
Raging Waters?
360
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:25,056
Sloppy Joe Friday.
361
00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:27,058
Start your weekend
on the toilet.
362
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,961
Fine. I don't need you.
Yeah, yeah.
363
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,596
This is gonna be like
the part of "Ratatouille"
364
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,031
when the human realizes
365
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,532
he doesn't need the rat
anymore,
366
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:36,734
and then he's really successful
on his own,
367
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:39,103
and then the movie ends.
368
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,905
The movie doesn't end
369
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:44,075
when you fall asleep
with your blankie, Steve.
370
00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:45,410
(whistle blows,
players shouting)
371
00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:50,448
(grunting)
372
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,617
Ohh! Aah!
373
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,886
The hell's wrong with you,
Smith?!
374
00:15:54,888 --> 00:15:56,454
Is Steve all right?
375
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,891
I don't think so.
He's losing his mother's love.
376
00:15:59,893 --> 00:16:02,560
(grunting)
377
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:05,596
Look at you, quivering like
the Italian Army.
378
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:08,333
That's because your legs are as
weak as the Italian Air Force,
379
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:11,235
which is why you've taken fewer
shots than the Italian Navy.
380
00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:12,837
I'm not just gonna float here
381
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:15,440
and let you compare me to
the entire Italian armed forces.
382
00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:19,143
Well, what are you gonna
do about it, paisan?
383
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,611
I'm gonna use
all my strength
384
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,847
to be the pool shark
I know I can be!
385
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:26,384
(triumphant music playing)
386
00:16:32,926 --> 00:16:34,759
(ball bouncing)
387
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,794
(spectators groaning)
Oh! Just missed.
388
00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:41,165
(weakly) And I used...
all my strength.
389
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,500
¶¶
390
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,335
(thinking) Oh, God.
391
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,138
Am I drowning?
392
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,307
I am drowning.
393
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:52,610
My life is flashing
before my eyes.
394
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,112
(singsongy) Come to Mama!
395
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:57,548
(thud)
396
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,020
What?! No!
397
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:04,355
Have fun tonight, honey.
398
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:07,392
Give him everything he wants.
399
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,460
You bet.
400
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,464
(both moaning)
401
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,967
No! Those are my boobs!
402
00:17:15,969 --> 00:17:18,636
Stop...ignoring me.
403
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:27,779
(grunts) Hmm.
404
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:40,725
(bubbling)
405
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,760
Whoa.
406
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:46,030
(coughing, sputtering)
407
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:48,332
You okay?
(coughs)
408
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:52,503
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm better than okay.
409
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:56,707
It took me being underwater
to finally see things clearly.
410
00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:59,243
That's a great lyric.
411
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:02,246
I got my confidence back.
I quit.
412
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,051
I have a confession to make.
413
00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:09,520
I didn't become
a great water polo player
414
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,122
all by myself.
415
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:14,225
In fact, the guy that
made me great is here today.
416
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,960
(lowered voice)
Dude, what are you doing?
417
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:19,797
You see, sometimes one member of
the team gets the spotlight,
418
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,265
even though
he couldn't have done it
419
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,469
without another member --
an important member.
420
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:27,205
I'm talking about the little guy
in my swimsuit.
421
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:29,807
And I think it's time
for everybody to meet him.
422
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:32,143
SPECTATORS (gasp): OOH.
423
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:35,980
Welp, it was a good run.
424
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:38,149
KLAUS:
Stop! You'll lose everything.
425
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,718
This guy doesn't get
the attention he deserves.
426
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,254
Maybe 'cause he's so small.
Prove it!
427
00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:46,624
'Scuse me. Sorry.
Just making my way out.
428
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,259
I know how this ends.
429
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:49,961
He gets a little shy.
430
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,964
M-maybe if I stroke him a bit,
he'll pop his head out.
431
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,632
That's so gross.
432
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,135
I'm so cold.
433
00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:58,669
Are you a varsity athlete?
434
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,805
No. My dad owns
a jacket company.
435
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,107
Oh, my God. (giggles)
436
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,309
Okay, everybody,
I see how this looks.
437
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:08,346
I'm not a weirdo.
I just have a fish in my shorts.
438
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:10,281
He's been helping me
get a jacket.
439
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,817
Seemed like a good way
to get to second base.
440
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,453
Thinking about
switching schools.
441
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,955
(seabirds calling)
442
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:20,091
I think she's ready.
Shipshape.
443
00:19:20,093 --> 00:19:24,328
Hey, guys! I'm so psyched you
invited me to take the boat out!
444
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,631
Well, Jeff, we realized
how selfish we'd been,
445
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:29,133
and we wanted to share
the boat-guy lifestyle
446
00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:30,601
with someone who'd
appreciate it.
447
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,604
Awesome. So, can I cast off?
448
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:36,007
You mean drive it?
Yeah, sure, knock yourself out.
449
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:37,708
Hey, dad.
450
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:40,645
Whoa! Hayley, Hayley, we just
invited Jeff to go sailing.
451
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,680
But it's our anniversary.
Of what?
452
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,282
Being married.
453
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:47,385
And what better way to celebrate
than a sunset sail?
454
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,020
Eh, mind the lines.
455
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:55,059
(adventurous music playing)
456
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:06,537
So that's what sailing's
supposed to look like.
457
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,806
Would've been cool
if we'd done that.
Yeah.
458
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,374
So, how long till
the boat sinks?
459
00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:12,243
Mm, as soon
as the painter's tape
460
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:15,880
that's covering the big hole
in the bottom disintegrates.
461
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,548
Well, let's go get 'em
and collect
462
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,217
that sweet boat insurance.
463
00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:21,552
Boat insurance?
Who insures a boat?
464
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,321
I thought the play was
life insurance.
465
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:26,490
What?
I took out a very aggressive
policy on Jeff.
466
00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:28,426
Damn it, Roger,
we can't let them drown!
467
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:32,163
It's, uh, it's actually a pretty
important part of the plan.
468
00:20:32,165 --> 00:20:34,332
The -- the, uh, crux,
if you will.
469
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,833
Ugh, forget it. They lived.
470
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,602
(both grunt)
471
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,571
(panting) that was horrible!
The boat just sank!
472
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:43,274
And the life jackets
didn't help at all!
473
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:44,842
It's like they're filled
with sand.
474
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:46,911
Roger!
It wasn't me!
475
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,113
Wait a minute.
(click)
476
00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:53,618
Cocaine!
477
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:55,886
Stan, do you know what
this means?!
478
00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:59,890
I sure do. It means all three
of you are going to prison.
479
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:02,126
(click)
Wait, what?
480
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,128
Bye! Have a beautiful time!