1
00:00:01,936 --> 00:00:04,003
(wind whistling)
2
00:00:06,941 --> 00:00:08,874
(horse snorts, neighs)
3
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,745
(pulley creaking)
4
00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:20,586
(hoofbeats)
5
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:23,856
The Bullock gang.
6
00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:25,858
¶¶
7
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,795
Aggh!
8
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:30,963
Pa!
9
00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:32,631
¶¶
10
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,299
Aggh!
11
00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:35,300
No!
12
00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:36,368
(horse neighs)
13
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,303
Aggh!
14
00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:41,306
There's a little kid,
Bullock.
15
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,378
He's silently vowing
to one day hunt us down,
16
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,113
kill us like animals,
17
00:00:48,115 --> 00:00:50,816
and he just knows he's going
to catch me in an outhouse.
18
00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:52,451
I'll beg for my life,
19
00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:54,486
give up the whole gang
immediately,
20
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:57,322
but then he kills me anyway.
Damn it!
21
00:00:57,324 --> 00:01:00,659
Well, I won't
give you the satisfaction.
22
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,496
(thuds)
23
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,799
Thanks, boss.
I was almost a goner.
24
00:01:06,801 --> 00:01:08,834
Yah!
25
00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:12,671
¶¶
26
00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:17,776
¶¶
27
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:19,745
(sizzling)
28
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:37,096
(laughter)
29
00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:39,531
(laughing)
30
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:42,701
(coughing) He thinks
he hurts everywhere,
31
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,970
but it's only
a broken finger.
32
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:46,972
What do you want, gringo?
33
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,474
The honest answer?
34
00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:51,110
A friend to share
this lonely trail with.
35
00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:53,278
The cowboy answer?
36
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,647
¶¶
37
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,516
(gruffly)
The bounty on this guy's head.
38
00:01:57,518 --> 00:02:01,453
(coughing)
39
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,021
And that coffin
you're dragging,
40
00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:05,157
it is for him
or for you?
41
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,159
(laughter)
42
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,328
(chuckles)
Nice. Oh, here's a joke.
43
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,997
Why can't you starve
in the desert?
44
00:02:12,066 --> 00:02:14,500
Because of the sand
that is there.
45
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,469
ALL: Huh?
46
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,338
You know, it takes guts
to tell a joke
47
00:02:19,406 --> 00:02:20,973
to a group of strangers,
48
00:02:20,975 --> 00:02:22,975
especially since
I'm not naturally funny.
49
00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:25,744
Oh, you're naturally funny...
looking.
50
00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:29,515
(laughter)
51
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:32,684
¶¶
52
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:38,223
¶¶
53
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:39,992
Aggh!
54
00:02:43,164 --> 00:02:45,397
You can't starve
in the desert
55
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:49,434
because of the
sand-which-is-there.
56
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:51,603
Oh, sandwiches?
57
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:54,773
You said,
"Sand that is."
58
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:57,009
(groans)
59
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:58,911
I blew the punch line.
That was what it was.
60
00:02:58,913 --> 00:03:00,913
Still, the setup
was rock solid.
61
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:02,881
I'm getting better.
I'm getting funnier.
62
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,086
¶¶
63
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:10,556
My parents and brother
died of cholera.
64
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:11,857
I gave it to them.
65
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,859
Sometimes, I feel
like I'm bad luck.
66
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,594
Luckier 'n them.
67
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,296
Well, I guess I'll see
what kind of luck
68
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:19,398
I bring
to my uncle's farm.
69
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:20,933
What brings you west,
stranger?
70
00:03:20,935 --> 00:03:21,967
West?
71
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,969
I thought we were
going to Arizona.
72
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:26,038
We are. That is west.
73
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,973
Okay. Okay. Good.
Good, good, good.
74
00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,975
My sense of direction
is not great.
75
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,643
Looks like
you've been in Mexico.
76
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:34,146
Maybe. I couldn't
understand the people,
77
00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:35,614
so I never got
a good answer.
78
00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:38,150
-How long were you there?
-Nearly five years.
79
00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:40,652
That's a long time
to not understand people.
80
00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,889
Not for me.
81
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:47,726
¶¶
82
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,830
(coughing)
83
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,065
Aah!
84
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,334
(sighs)
Oh, that's nice.
85
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:56,969
Stretch the legs.
86
00:03:56,971 --> 00:03:59,638
Get some blood to the brain.
87
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,007
Scratch up the old face.
88
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,344
Oh, a mud bath.
89
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:09,081
Ah, this town has it all.
90
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,416
Wish me luck
on the farm!
91
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,151
(mockingly)
Good luck on the farm.
92
00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:17,756
Hey, boy.
Where's your person?
93
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,159
You need water.
94
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:24,363
(lively piano music playing)
95
00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:30,202
DICK: Ever heard
of dance lessons? (laughs)
96
00:04:30,204 --> 00:04:32,170
Oh!
97
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,506
Damn it! They mussed up
my hair again.
98
00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:35,874
(laughter)
99
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,710
"Aw, my hairdo
ain't purdy."
100
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:41,480
(laughter)
101
00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:44,449
Sorry about the rowdy customers,
but what can I do?
102
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:48,387
Just keep helping me up,
I guess.
103
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,889
-Who was that?
-That's Francine.
104
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,658
You just forget
about her.
105
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:55,694
(sighs)
106
00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:59,865
(indistinct conversations)
107
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:03,335
(mid-tempo piano music plays)
108
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:04,870
Are you okay, ma'am?
109
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:07,372
Oh, I can handle them
pushing me,
110
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:10,042
groping me,
hot sauce in my eyes,
111
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,177
even tar
down my bloomers.
112
00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:15,681
But when they start in
on mussing up my hair --
113
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:18,083
This pie-eater
buggin' you, doll?
114
00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:20,819
-I was just checking --
-Oh, like a checkup.
115
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,755
Did this jerkwater town
finally get a doctor?
116
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:27,326
Because I've been wanting
to see a doctor about my hand.
117
00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:28,427
What's wrong
with your hand?
118
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:30,762
It hurts
when I do this!
119
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:31,763
Aah!
120
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:34,766
Well, maybe
don't do that.
121
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:36,435
Then there's my foot.
122
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:43,909
(gun clatters)
123
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:46,244
Smart move, Doc.
124
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,782
Anyone else want
to see the doctor?
125
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:51,883
(grunts)
126
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,454
My foot hurts, too.
127
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,889
Maestro, how about
some kickin' music?
128
00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,625
(piano playing, blows landing,
Stan grunting)
129
00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:02,194
(sighs)
130
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,064
My pecker's
been burning.
131
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:08,133
Well, beat him with it!
132
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:14,239
(screaming)
133
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:15,407
Here we are!
134
00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,776
They're all dead!
135
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,611
(sobbing)
136
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:21,780
I told you
it weren't much.
137
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:30,889
Bullock's gang is just
terrorizing this town.
138
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,891
This guy kind of started it,
though, right?
139
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,993
He kept calling
himself "The Doctor."
140
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,328
Klaus, cut it out.
141
00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:38,663
-He was trying to help.
-Well, damn it!
142
00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,432
This town needs someone
to give it hope,
143
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:41,967
and I can't do it all.
144
00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:44,069
You haven't
done anything.
145
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,472
Lewis, this guy
needs stitches.
146
00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:52,811
-My God in Heaven.
-I know.
147
00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:54,980
They beat on him
for 40 minutes,
148
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,516
and they wanted fighting
music the whole time.
149
00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,518
Guess we both
kind of got worked over.
150
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,119
This is Stan Smith.
151
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:02,621
He helped save my life.
152
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,322
Wait.
You mean he's a hero?
153
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:08,260
Not exactly,
but he's a good guy.
154
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:11,163
I mean...yeah.
He -- He's a good guy.
155
00:07:11,165 --> 00:07:13,432
(gasps)
A good guy hero.
156
00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:14,933
I think you were
kind of just hearing
157
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,668
what you want
right now.
158
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,170
We're saved!
159
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:22,507
¶¶
160
00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:24,776
How did Stan
save your life?
161
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,945
It was three years
into the Civil War
162
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,114
when the Union Army
came through Missouri.
163
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,515
I was a slave then.
164
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,451
Ooh, bummer.
165
00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:35,787
Yeah, it was a "bummer."
You obviously get it,
166
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,789
so I won't bore you
with the details,
167
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,058
but they freed me,
and I wanted to help.
168
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,461
Stan and I dug
trenches together.
169
00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:44,062
Anyhow, when
the North moved on,
170
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,664
some of the generals
ordered the freed slaves
171
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,299
returned to the plantations.
172
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,334
So you got to go home!
173
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:52,204
No, because you...
174
00:07:52,206 --> 00:07:53,872
didn't like it there.
175
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,374
No, I didn't
like it there.
176
00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:59,411
Anyway, Stan shot the general,
and we all ran.
177
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:01,980
He killed a general
to protect you?
178
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:05,550
Yeah, and I told him
to come find me in Arizona.
179
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:07,519
Wait...
180
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,321
Gay?
181
00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,656
I'm looking
for a man.
182
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,825
Is this
a gay town?
183
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,062
Stage driver
out of Tombstone
184
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:18,997
says he saw a man
looked like this.
185
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,832
¶¶
186
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,001
(both gasp)
Nope.
187
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:26,338
Say, Mister,
want a tour of the town?
188
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:27,539
I'll show you
all the spots
189
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,341
where our sheriffs
were murdered.
190
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,376
Well, I was gonna get
my whiskers cleaned up,
191
00:08:31,445 --> 00:08:34,212
but I think that's a closer
shave than I'm looking for.
192
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:42,020
(sobbing)
Why?
193
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,756
Why would anybody
kill them?
194
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:47,225
I'm sure I don't
have any idea.
195
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,394
(sobbing)
Why?
196
00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:54,633
(grunts)
Everybody's mussin' up my hair.
197
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,737
-Hey, are you all right?
-No, obviously.
198
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,939
Whoa, obviously, no.
199
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,809
(sobs) I just want
to forget everything.
200
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:06,645
Oh, oh, oh,
then I can help!
201
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,914
Do you have money?
-I have a little.
202
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:11,283
Great!
That's great.
203
00:09:11,285 --> 00:09:14,152
What's great?
I-I have money. So what?
204
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,655
You do?
That's great!
205
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:19,157
¶¶
206
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,061
Aah!
207
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,797
Stan, it's me, Brian.
208
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:28,466
Brian, I-I found you.
209
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:30,135
Yes, you did,
my friend.
210
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,003
Reunited at last.
211
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:34,306
We could buy a pig farm
and grow old together.
212
00:09:34,308 --> 00:09:37,309
Stan, there's a bounty hunter
in town looking for you.
213
00:09:37,311 --> 00:09:38,977
Later. Good luck
with that pig farm.
214
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,478
(groans)
215
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,447
Stan, you're
too hurt to travel,
216
00:09:42,516 --> 00:09:43,748
but luckily
you don't look like
217
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,283
your wanted poster
all beat up.
218
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:48,753
Mr. Lewis, I need you
to do my hair.
219
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,488
Something un-mussable.
220
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:52,324
Okay. Let me just
clean my station
221
00:09:52,326 --> 00:09:53,758
and remember
some boring stories
222
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,327
about my son, hmm?
223
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:59,164
¶¶
224
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,467
Are you still
freaking out?
225
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:05,637
Yeah, but
terrifyingly slowly.
226
00:10:05,639 --> 00:10:07,172
Oh, nice.
227
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,008
I just don't get it.
It wasn't even a working farm.
228
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,843
No crops.
No livestock.
229
00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:13,478
Of course,
it did have a well,
230
00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:15,947
but who needs water
in the middle of nowhere?
231
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,949
I guess trains do
for steam,
232
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,484
but the new railroad
won't be going
233
00:10:19,553 --> 00:10:21,720
right by their farm
for at least six months.
234
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,655
I know that because
I read the announcement.
235
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:25,223
When was that?
Oh, right.
236
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,225
It was the day
before my family was murdered.
237
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:30,629
Ohh, I wish I could
put two thoughts together.
238
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:32,464
But you can't because
239
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:35,500
you're too high
on celestial poisons!
240
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:38,470
Did you say it was your family
that was murdered?
241
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,905
Yeah.
I'm the only one left.
242
00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:44,409
Sole heir
to Steam Juice Farm?
243
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:46,645
I must protect you.
I insist on it.
244
00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:47,912
(strained)
I'm kind of with her.
245
00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:49,147
Please, my dear.
246
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,415
You must allow me
247
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:52,350
and my gang of cruel men
248
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:54,486
to escort you
to the farm
249
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:59,090
so we can bury
your whole family properly.
250
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,258
Did you hear that, Jeff?
251
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,661
My luck is finally changing.
252
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:04,396
(thud, clatter)
Jeff?
253
00:11:05,599 --> 00:11:09,334
Oh, my God. Was he smoking
the same opium as I?
254
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,070
(inhales)
255
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:14,205
(strained)
That's so scary.
256
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,007
(mid-tempo piano music
playing)
257
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,510
Whiskey?
258
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:20,078
I guess I could have
one for the road.
259
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,579
You lightin' out,
stranger?
260
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:24,082
Make it two whiskeys,
and put them on my tab.
261
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:26,551
-Where you headed?
-Thought I'd get away to Mexico.
262
00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:28,286
-Habla Español?
-Maybe.
263
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,355
There or Mexico City.
264
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:31,690
¶¶
265
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:34,693
Tell Lewis it looks
like trouble.
266
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,961
Francine worked up
a new number.
267
00:11:36,963 --> 00:11:38,530
You'll be glad you stayed.
268
00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:41,032
¶¶
269
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,368
So, you're
a bounty hunter?
270
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:46,204
It's a friendless job,
but I'm the best there is.
271
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,039
Not totally
alone, though.
272
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,307
I got my cough.
273
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,042
(coughing)
274
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,981
-Allergies.
-Oh, she's on!
275
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,818
("Dessert" playing on piano)
276
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:02,087
¶ They can't imitate you ¶
277
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,589
¶ But they can't duplicate you ¶
278
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:07,058
¶ 'Cause you got
somethin' special ¶
279
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,594
¶ That makes me
wanna taste you ¶
280
00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:11,896
¶ I want it all day long ¶
281
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:14,332
¶ I'm addicted like it's wrong ¶
282
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,668
¶ I want it all day long ¶
283
00:12:16,670 --> 00:12:18,603
¶ I'm addicted like it's ¶
284
00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,805
¶ Whatcha gon', whatcha' gon
do with that dessert? ¶
285
00:12:20,807 --> 00:12:23,141
¶ Do-wha do-wha-dee da
dee-da-doop-da ¶
286
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:26,077
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
¶ Do-wha do-wha-dee da
dee-da-doop-da ¶
287
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,346
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
¶ Do-wha do-wha-dee da
dee-da-doop-da ¶
288
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,982
¶ Murder that, murder that
dance floor, dance floor ¶
289
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:34,119
(cheers and applause)
290
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,420
-Hot stuff!
-(wolf-whistles)
291
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,255
(coughs)
292
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:40,291
¶¶
293
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:42,694
Bartender, a round
for everyone!
294
00:12:42,696 --> 00:12:44,963
I'm coming into
some money.
295
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:45,930
Right away!
296
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,766
(gunshot)
297
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:50,802
Oh, bro!
Look at my damn mirror!
298
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:52,504
Where'd he go?
299
00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:53,605
How'd you get
over there?
300
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:55,807
I'm fast.
See my hands?
301
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,442
-Yeah.
-Now look at them.
302
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,043
-Who-o-o-o-a.
-Whoa-a-a-a-a-a-a!
303
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:00,812
I'm arresting you
on the charges
304
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:03,448
of desertion and murder.
305
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,817
But they'll hang him.
Stan's a good man.
306
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,986
He shot his general
in the back.
307
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,020
(all gasp)
308
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:11,356
-Whoa!
-(coughs) Let's go.
309
00:13:15,729 --> 00:13:18,863
Did somebody take
my Little Bo Peep dress?
310
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,970
(grunts)
311
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,906
All right, Skippy.
Let's ride.
312
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:29,641
(clicks tongue)
313
00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:30,909
What the fudge?
314
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,877
No little horse kisses
for the murderer.
315
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:35,313
So much for our hero.
316
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,848
Do you think we were
expecting too much
317
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,349
from someone who came to town
318
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,418
and was immediately beaten
beyond recognition
319
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,387
by a 70-year-old man?
320
00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:45,323
Maybe Stan came to show us
we don't need a hero.
321
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,759
-How's that?
-He's like us.
322
00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:50,929
Alone, he's not much,
but if we work together,
323
00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,931
we can protect each other.
324
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:55,099
Us? We're too slow.
325
00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:56,601
Slow?
326
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:58,837
You're lightning
on the piano.
327
00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:01,039
You're magic
with scissors.
328
00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:03,007
You never
spill a drop.
329
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:06,411
I'm good with my hands in a way
I'm not gonna describe.
330
00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:08,179
We have the skills,
331
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,515
but we never
had the stomach.
332
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,584
-I'm in.
-Me too.
333
00:14:12,586 --> 00:14:13,685
So am I!
334
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:17,689
Now, let's go get Stan back
from that bounty hunter!
335
00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:18,690
(heroic music plays)
336
00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:20,725
Unhand our
cowardly friend!
337
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,293
(music stops)
338
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:25,029
Oh, they left.
339
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,130
Whoo-whoo.
340
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,099
Whatcha gonna do
with that dessert?
341
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:29,634
(both laugh)
342
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:30,802
Can it, Tom!
343
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:33,104
Thanks, Henry.
344
00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:37,275
(coughing)
345
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:40,278
STAN: So...what's, uh --
W-What's in the coffin?
346
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,447
Everyone and anyone.
347
00:14:42,449 --> 00:14:44,148
Hmm.
348
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:45,750
Actually, you lost me there.
I-I, uh --
349
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:47,252
I know.
It's stupid, right?
350
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:48,987
Uh, for a while, I thought
it sounded badass,
351
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:50,421
but it's just confusing.
352
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,891
I always wanted to be
a man of action,
353
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:55,226
but I'm slow on the draw
and weak on the punch.
354
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,494
Then what happened
in Missouri?
355
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,229
You wouldn't believe me
if I told you.
356
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,598
-Tell me, or I'll kill you.
-It's 1863,
357
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,635
and "Camptown Races"
is at the top of the charts.
358
00:15:03,637 --> 00:15:05,770
Sir, at the risk
of repeating myself,
359
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:08,439
I really, really, really,
really, really, really,
360
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:11,009
really don't think we should
return the slaves to the South.
361
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:13,177
Enough! How can you
think about that
362
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:16,080
when dead soldiers' teeth
are turning to smoke?
363
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,983
-I'm sorry, sir?
-The teeth!
364
00:15:18,985 --> 00:15:21,152
Wafting like
fizzled candle smoke
365
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,755
from every gaping mouth
on the battlefield!
366
00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:25,790
Oh, you've gone crazy.
367
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,425
Maybe I'll
leave the tent.
368
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:30,295
Crazy?
More like invincible!
369
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:31,863
(gunshot)
370
00:15:31,865 --> 00:15:34,332
Nothing can stop me now.
371
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,200
(grunting)
372
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,203
Nobody would ever
believe that.
373
00:15:39,205 --> 00:15:40,805
Yeah. So I ran,
374
00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:43,207
and I kept running west
to Mexico.
375
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:44,509
Mexico is south.
376
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:46,511
I must've gone
a weird way.
377
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:48,446
Well, I guess it all
worked out for you.
378
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:49,981
And if you weren't
about to be hanged,
379
00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:51,516
I'd be pretty
dang jealous.
380
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,184
I mean, you were
in town for a day
381
00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:56,654
and made more friends
than I ever had in my life.
382
00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:58,489
Zero.
Goose egg.
383
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,492
I try to stay positive,
but it really sucks balls.
384
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,695
Friends aren't everything.
Where are they now?
385
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:06,197
-Hmm?
-They're following us.
386
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:08,199
LEWIS:
It's him, all right.
387
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:09,701
We'll catch him
at the Taft Farm.
388
00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:12,637
¶¶
389
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:16,140
ROGER: Maybe I'm just a little
too real for some people.
390
00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:18,176
And now a cliff.
Of course.
391
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,378
Making a lady
dig her own grave
392
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:22,513
while she's coming
down off opium.
393
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,415
Hey, that's the girl
from the coach.
394
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:25,750
We got to get down there.
395
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:28,186
Oh, you know everybody.
396
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,821
You ride down there,
they'll kill you.
397
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:32,824
Same as riding
with you, I reckon.
398
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:35,059
Well, I'm not
going with you.
399
00:16:35,061 --> 00:16:37,061
(donkey neighs)
400
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:40,898
¶¶
401
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:43,668
Oh, what the hell.
402
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,003
(horse neighs)
403
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:46,337
Aah!
404
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,172
¶¶
405
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,507
Hey, somebody's coming.
406
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,744
¶¶
407
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,682
You come for
another checkup, Doc?
408
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,517
(laughter)
409
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:03,121
How about letting her go, guys?
Call it doctor's orders.
410
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,956
And what if I don't?
411
00:17:04,958 --> 00:17:07,792
Then Doc's gonna call
for the nurse.
412
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:13,364
I'd rather the doctor
gave me my shot.
413
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:16,267
Give him your gun
nice and slow.
414
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:20,705
HOOPER:
Oh, Doc caught a chill.
415
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,206
He's shaking like a leaf!
416
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,208
(laughter)
417
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:27,145
Come on, hero.
Free shot.
418
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:29,480
¶¶
419
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:30,648
(safety clicks)
420
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:33,985
Come on, Stan.
Just slap the hammer four times
421
00:17:33,987 --> 00:17:35,586
like you're patting Skippy.
422
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:39,924
¶¶
423
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,822
(all grunt)
424
00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:14,125
(grunts)
425
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,261
(grunts)
426
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:19,764
Here comes the cavalry!
427
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:22,500
¶¶
428
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,507
(gunshots continue)
429
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,615
You saved me.
430
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,984
I did all that amazing
shooting by myself,
431
00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:41,519
and then you saved me.
432
00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:44,322
That's how it happened.
(coughs)
433
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:47,191
Stan, every time
I go after a bounty,
434
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,526
I bring him in.
435
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,495
Will you help me
keep my perfect record?
436
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:54,031
Of course. I'll take my chances
with that trial in Tucson.
437
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:56,834
-Are you crazy?
-Don't do it, mister.
438
00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:59,470
I can't run again.
It's too lonely.
439
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,973
-Bring my coffin.
-Get that coffin over here!
440
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:07,845
Open it.
441
00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:12,083
I'm you.
(all gasp)
442
00:19:12,085 --> 00:19:13,718
He's holding
a little him.
443
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,355
Hand over my body
to the Marshall in Tucson.
444
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:20,858
Get the reward money
and take these folks east.
445
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,660
-What?
-I mean, maybe send
446
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:26,164
your kids' kids out west,
o-or their grandkids.
447
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,833
In 100 years,
when there's a million jerks
448
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:31,569
riding around Manhattan drunk
in limos,
449
00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:34,238
the West will seem
like a paradise.
450
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:38,676
He's gone.
451
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:42,680
¶¶
452
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:46,217
And promise me
you'll follow your dream
453
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,352
and go to medical school.
454
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:49,687
Well, that's actually
a misunders--
455
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,422
Promise me!
456
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:52,857
You got it, friend.
457
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:54,559
Friend?
458
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:56,093
Really?
459
00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:58,429
Maybe I can
beat this thing.
460
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:00,898
Nope.
(sighs)
461
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:04,702
¶¶
462
00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:12,710
East. That's
an awful long ride --
463
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:13,978
-I'm going.
-Me too.
464
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,246
Someone's got
to pour drinks.
465
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:16,614
I'll go
to the North east.
466
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:18,583
It's just
sand which is here.
467
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:20,251
¶¶
468
00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:25,556
(clicks tongue)
Let's ride, Skip.
469
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:29,493
Come on, boy.
470
00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:30,661
(horse snorts)
471
00:20:32,498 --> 00:20:35,499
Oh, of course.
472
00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:40,504
¶¶
473
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:42,106
STAN: Wait. Don't we want
to go the other way?
474
00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:43,174
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
475
00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:44,642
-Yeah.
-Oh, we sure do.
476
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:48,479
¶¶
477
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:54,986
STAN: Looks like I'm finally
getting my bearings.
478
00:20:54,988 --> 00:20:57,588
Or maybe head
a little to the right?
479
00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:02,159
¶¶
480
00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:03,995
Bye! Have a great time!