1
00:00:01,268 --> 00:00:03,402
¶¶
2
00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:07,506
Any escape artist
worth his salt
3
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,275
will have a bobby pin
somewhere on his person
4
00:00:10,277 --> 00:00:11,877
at all times.
5
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:15,114
(grunting)
6
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:16,515
(groans)
7
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:17,616
LEWIS: Next!
8
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:19,585
And what's your talent,
son?
9
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:22,421
I can translate
any Morse-code transmission
10
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:25,124
from anywhere...
in the world.
11
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,792
Prepare to be amazed.
12
00:00:26,861 --> 00:00:27,860
(machine clicks)
13
00:00:27,862 --> 00:00:29,094
(static)
14
00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:33,465
At the moment,
no one is sending any messages.
15
00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:34,933
Get off my stage!
16
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:35,934
(grunts)
17
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:38,537
(siren wails)
18
00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:43,609
(grunts) I did not become
a high-school principal
19
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:46,211
to put on an unentertaining
talent show!
20
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,280
That means no crappy acts
21
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:49,648
and strict enforcement
22
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:52,084
of my famous
one-slot-per-talent policy
23
00:00:52,086 --> 00:00:54,653
to ensure some
mother(bleep) variety!
24
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,989
One singer, one tumbler,
25
00:00:56,991 --> 00:00:59,491
one Annie Oakley-style
trick-shootin' cowgirl...
26
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:00,759
(gun clicks)
27
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,961
...and one hot-dog
speed-eater!
28
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:04,596
The fat one.
29
00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:05,998
(grunts) Hut!
30
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,167
(tray clatters)
31
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,569
That singing slot is yours,
buddy.
32
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,905
A.J. Slick
doesn't stand a chance.
33
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:15,107
A.J.:
My ears are burning.
34
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,809
And that usually
only happens
35
00:01:16,811 --> 00:01:18,744
when I hear
Steve's singing.
36
00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:20,145
Hey, A.J.
Please...
37
00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:21,980
Call me A.J. Slick.
38
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,682
I just wanted to say
"good luck."
39
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,919
How about a little lemonade
to lube the old larynx?
40
00:01:26,921 --> 00:01:29,154
Wow, now --
now that's sportsmanship.
41
00:01:29,156 --> 00:01:30,522
Heh. Thanks, A.J.
42
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,325
(coughing)
43
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,793
Oh, did I say lemonade?
44
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:36,462
I meant Lemon Pledge.
45
00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:37,463
You've been Slick'd!
46
00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:38,997
LEWIS: Steve Smith?
47
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:42,101
("Grease (Is the Word)" plays)
48
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:49,374
(hoarsely) ¶ They think our love
is just a growing pain ¶
49
00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:50,709
LEWIS:
Off my stage!
50
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:54,179
(siren wails)
51
00:01:54,181 --> 00:01:57,049
(patriotic music plays)
52
00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:59,451
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
53
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:03,288
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
54
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:06,458
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
55
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:10,028
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
56
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:16,068
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
57
00:02:16,070 --> 00:02:18,403
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
58
00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:19,505
Aah!
59
00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:24,176
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
60
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,712
¶¶
61
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:27,980
I was heavily penalized
62
00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:30,382
for withdrawing funds
from my 401(k) early,
63
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:31,817
but it was all worth it
64
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,253
to get my hands
on this baby.
65
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,522
The world's
last Milkybar Choo.
66
00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:37,523
FRANCINE: Ah-choo!
67
00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:39,858
(blows nose)
68
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:40,859
Sorry, Klaus.
69
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:43,762
My allergies have just
been kicking my ass,
70
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,497
and nothing seems to help.
71
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,865
You know what's great
for hay fever?
72
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,767
Locally produced honey.
73
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,335
Local honey, huh?
74
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,271
Let me just run it
by my allergist.
75
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:57,009
We don't need that
money-grubbing allergist
76
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,545
horning in on the profits
from our nnn...
77
00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:02,514
ALL:
New local honey business!
78
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,183
(door opens)
(mumbling)
Stupid talent show.
79
00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,684
Stupid singing. A.J.
80
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:06,685
What's wrong, son?
81
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,086
(normal voice) Everybody
acts like the talent show
82
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,354
is such a big deal --
83
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:10,522
And right they are.
84
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:11,890
No one ever forgets
85
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:13,592
the winner of their
high-school talent show.
86
00:03:13,594 --> 00:03:15,427
Ours was Scott Kaminetzky.
87
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,596
He could juggle so much.
88
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:20,899
Now, back to our thing.
89
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,634
ALL: Lo-cal! Hon-ey!
90
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:25,204
Lo-cal! Hon-ey!
91
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:26,605
Stupid A.J. Slick.
92
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:27,906
Cheating me
out of my slot.
93
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:30,309
ROGER (whispering):
Hey. Hey.
94
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,476
Up here.
95
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:34,046
Want to get back at A.J.
and win that talent show?
96
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,047
I can help.
97
00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:36,949
What -- what are you
doing in there?
98
00:03:36,951 --> 00:03:37,983
I'm trapped.
99
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:39,251
I dropped a Skittle
down a vent,
100
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:40,319
and I went in after it.
101
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:41,787
I've been in here for days.
102
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:43,121
Get a Phillips-head
screwdriver
103
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,123
and meet me by the vent
in Hayley's bathroom.
104
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,959
Oh. Oh, there --
uhp, there's the Skittle.
105
00:03:46,961 --> 00:03:49,661
Went down this slightly
narrower passageway here.
106
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,797
(metal scraping)
107
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,432
Shit.
108
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,570
¶¶
109
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,405
You came to the right guy,
Steve.
110
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:04,142
(clangs)
111
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:06,245
(inhales deeply, exhales)
112
00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:08,280
I love a good quest
for revenge.
113
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:10,282
I'm not out for revenge,
Roger.
114
00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:12,351
I am a proud,
life-long good boy.
115
00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:13,685
Deny it all you want,
116
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:15,654
but deep down,
you want to get back at A.J.,
117
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,022
and you want to
win that show.
118
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,257
I admit,
119
00:04:18,259 --> 00:04:20,592
it'd be nice to see A.J.
get what he deserves.
120
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,160
But singing was my talent.
121
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,362
Wha-- what else can I do?
122
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:26,265
One word -- ventriloquy.
123
00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:27,766
Ventriloquism?
124
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,167
Puppet-talkin'.
125
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:30,135
One word.
126
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:32,671
In the '70's,
I was half of the most popular
127
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,840
ventril-agrgah act
in the world.
128
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,275
I was the puppet.
129
00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:38,110
I was kicked off "Match Game"
130
00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:40,012
for saying the word "queef"
on air.
131
00:04:40,014 --> 00:04:41,613
But that's neither
here nor there.
132
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,182
Point is, just like you,
my partner Dennis
133
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:46,785
didn't know the first thing
about ventril-gahvel.
134
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:49,321
But it didn't matter
because I do all the work.
135
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:50,455
Hmm.
136
00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:52,557
Almost sounds
too good to be true.
137
00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:53,692
That's the spirit!
138
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:55,661
But...there is one thing
139
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,129
I'm going to need from you.
140
00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:58,864
Total commitment.
141
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,799
Deal.
Good.
142
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,402
Because this is perhaps
my most challenging character,
143
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:04,903
both physically
and mentally.
144
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:05,904
Even more than my
145
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,873
mentally challenged
bodybuilder character,
146
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,875
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
147
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:12,010
First,
I have to apply several layers
148
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:13,845
of this pungent lacquer
face paint
149
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,914
to really make it look like
I'm made out of wood.
150
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:17,816
Which is important,
151
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,217
because almost
all of my material
152
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:20,686
is wood-based puns.
153
00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:22,554
(sniffs) Ugh!
154
00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:25,490
It smells worse than
Principal Lewis's index finger.
155
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,692
Then... (grunts)
156
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:27,926
...painful prosthetics
157
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:30,529
to give me fully-flappable
eyebrows and ears.
158
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:34,333
And finally, I inject just
a scosche of paralyzing agent
159
00:05:34,335 --> 00:05:35,667
into my arms and legs.
160
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,570
Wow! You move
just like a dummy!
161
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:39,571
(thwack!)
162
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:42,240
Now, Steve, why do you think
I slapped you?
163
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,042
It's because you used
a certain word.
164
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,844
Do you know
what that word is?
Is it...
165
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,012
(thwack!)
That's right!
166
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,114
Never, ever
call me a dummy.
167
00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:51,049
The word "dummy"
is degrading.
168
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:55,921
I am a manually-articulated
performative kinesio-maquette...
169
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,889
named Dudley Dingleberry.
170
00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,392
¶¶
171
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:03,628
Gee, Dudley, I sure hope
you remember all your lines.
172
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:05,430
Well, knock on wood.
173
00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:06,431
(knock! knock!)
174
00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:08,633
Talk about a blockhead,
am I right?
175
00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:11,269
(laughter)
176
00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:13,405
Hey, ladies.
You ever seen a woodpecker?
177
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:14,573
Want to see mine?
178
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:15,540
(zipper unzips)
179
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,142
(grunting)
180
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:18,543
Gah! Damn it!
(laughter)
181
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,412
This is why we should've
rehearsed with the bird.
182
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:21,613
(laughing)
183
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,548
That orphan kid
with the therapy puppet
184
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,951
might as well head on
back to his group home
185
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:29,087
because the ventriloquy slot
is yours!
186
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,760
Wow! It worked.
187
00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,928
Everyone really thinks
you're a du--
188
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:38,830
A what, Steve?
189
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,133
Du-- Dudley.
I was gonna say Dudley.
190
00:06:41,135 --> 00:06:42,768
They all think
I'm a Dudley.
191
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:43,835
That's what
you were gonna say?
192
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:45,971
Finalists, gather up.
193
00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:48,006
In five days,
194
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:51,076
one of you will be crowned
talent-show champion,
195
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,310
and -- wait.
196
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:54,312
Where's the roly-poly
Miss Carla Cannoli,
197
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,914
my star tumbler?
198
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:58,150
The brakes on Carla's bike
somehow gave out!
199
00:06:58,152 --> 00:07:00,185
And she crashed
right into the flagpole!
200
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:01,420
(dramatic music plays)
201
00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:02,587
(all gasping)
202
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:05,991
Sounds like she...
took a tumble.
203
00:07:05,993 --> 00:07:09,294
(laughter)
204
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:12,164
That kind of humor's
not exactly to my taste,
205
00:07:12,166 --> 00:07:15,100
but I think we got a good shot
at winning this thing.
206
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,268
Yes.
207
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:19,704
We're gonna kill
the competition.
208
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:22,107
(soft horror music plays)
209
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:33,018
(gagging)
210
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:34,152
(coughs)
211
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:37,622
(breathing shallowly)
212
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:40,025
Oh. Oh, God.
213
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,496
(thunder rumbles)
214
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:45,964
(laughter)
215
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,566
My last girlfriend
was Russian.
216
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:50,168
Yeah, she was
a Russian nesting doll.
217
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,570
(laughter)
218
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:53,205
(giggles) Oh, Steve.
219
00:07:53,207 --> 00:07:55,307
I've never seen
this side of you.
220
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:56,875
(exhales affectionately)
Bang, bang.
221
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,009
Easy there, toots,
222
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,178
or I won't be the only wood
in Steve's lap.
223
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,646
(laughter)
224
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,648
A.J.:
You and that stupid doll.
225
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,650
More like Ugly Dingleberry.
226
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:08,520
We all know I'm still
by far the favorite to win.
227
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:12,157
You are now,
and always will be, a loser.
228
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,759
Hey, A.J.
229
00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:16,094
(bleep) you.
230
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:18,330
(laughter)
231
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,999
ALL:
Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!
232
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,001
(thunder rumbles)
233
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,003
¶ Do, re, mi ¶
234
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,539
¶ Fa, sol, la, ti ¶
235
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:29,174
¶ Do ¶
236
00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:32,444
(chuckling in distance)
237
00:08:32,446 --> 00:08:34,546
(chuckling continues)
238
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,249
Hello?
239
00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:39,251
Is anybody there?
240
00:08:39,253 --> 00:08:41,520
(thunder crashes)
241
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,922
Oh, it's just that
stupid doll.
242
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:45,557
Well,
back to bench pressing.
243
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,261
(thunder crashes)
244
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:51,696
Huh.
245
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,131
Wind must've blown it.
246
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,866
Must be a draft in here
or something.
247
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,134
Stupid doll.
248
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,536
Again, so ugly.
249
00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,570
(thunder crashes)
250
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:00,906
What's this smelly
old thing
251
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,474
doing up here anyway?
252
00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:05,110
You and Steve think you can
take on the Slickster?
253
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,946
Ha! You're just
a stupid, old doll.
254
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:08,980
You couldn't stop me
255
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,782
if I slapped you
right in the face.
256
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:12,250
(thwack!)
257
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,952
What are you gonna
do about it, doll?
258
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:15,554
How about I poke you
right in the eye, huh?
259
00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:18,256
(plop!)
Or put my fist
in your mouth?
260
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,292
Or make you eat garbage?
How about that?
261
00:09:20,294 --> 00:09:21,593
Nom! Nom! Nom!
Nom! Nom!
262
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:23,228
More slaps!
(thwack! thwack!)
263
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,496
Enough of this!
264
00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:25,830
I need to hydrate.
265
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,268
(thunder crashes)
266
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,336
ROGER: (chuckles)
267
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:32,504
(door slams)
268
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,177
(thunder crashes)
269
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,280
(thunder rumbles)
270
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:45,350
Oh, my God!
Wh-- what happened?
271
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:46,351
Freak accident.
272
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:48,486
A barbell
crushed A.J.'s larynx --
273
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,755
the exact body part
that all but guaranteed him
274
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,257
to beat you
in the talent show.
275
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,759
Can you believe it --
the coincidence?
276
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,328
Anyway,
the reason I called you
277
00:09:56,330 --> 00:09:58,863
is because we found your puppet
lying on the floor in here.
278
00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,166
You ought to keep
better track of this guy, Smith.
279
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,702
Hey, where do you put your hand
in this thing anywa--
280
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,003
Oh, never mind.
I found it.
281
00:10:06,873 --> 00:10:08,039
Please tell me
you didn't have
282
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,841
anything to do
with A.J.'s accident.
283
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,443
Let's just say
that as far as us
284
00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:13,478
winning
the talent show goes,
285
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,948
the bar was just lowered.
286
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,049
That, uh --
287
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,951
that's not
the most convincing denial.
288
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,354
Hey, check it out.
289
00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:23,989
It's the kid
from the auditions.
290
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:25,557
Dude, you're so funny.
What's your name?
291
00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:26,958
Don't worry about it,
Tyler.
292
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,494
If he wins the talent show,
everyone will know his name.
293
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:30,528
And if he loses,
294
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:31,630
it'll be like
he never existed.
295
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,198
Great point, Marcus.
296
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:36,468
(zippers unzip)
297
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,903
¶¶
298
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:39,871
They're here.
299
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:42,641
We're on our way to our
first batch of local honey.
300
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:43,642
Now we just need
a slogan.
301
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,260
How about...
302
00:10:45,261 --> 00:10:46,877
(Spanish accent)
..."don't you know we're local?"
303
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:47,912
Done.
304
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:50,048
(normal voice)
They're all dead.
305
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:51,316
E-- except for...
(sighs)
306
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,351
...what looks like
some wasps?
307
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,320
Did you put wasps
in with the bees?
308
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,355
Did I put some jocks in
with the nerds?
309
00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:58,423
Hell, yeah, I did.
310
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,091
Our honey's
gonna have some balls.
311
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,559
Wasps don't make honey.
312
00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:03,561
And all our bees
are dead.
313
00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,397
All great businesses
pivot.
314
00:11:05,399 --> 00:11:06,398
Burger King was
315
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,166
a topless maid service
for decades.
316
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:11,002
Ow!
A wasp just stung me.
317
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,737
You're having
an allergic reaction.
318
00:11:12,739 --> 00:11:14,105
We should get you
to the hospital.
319
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,073
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
320
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,042
I say we give this
another shot here
321
00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:18,910
and double down
on home remedies.
322
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:20,545
No way. Mom?
323
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:22,080
(strained)
He does seem to know
324
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,749
a lot about Burger King.
325
00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:26,785
(thunder crashes)
326
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:29,354
¶¶
327
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:32,724
Well, the Middle East
ain't gettin' any better.
328
00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:34,592
ROGER:
(menacing laugh)
329
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:39,431
Hello?
330
00:11:39,433 --> 00:11:42,100
(menacing laugh)
331
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,468
¶¶
332
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:45,036
Is someone there?
333
00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:48,873
Help!
334
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:52,911
Somebody! Help!!
335
00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,713
Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!
336
00:11:57,584 --> 00:11:59,050
Oh, my God! Barry!
337
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,385
My hot-dog speed-eater!
338
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,120
Give this boy a wiener!
Stat!
339
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:06,658
Oh, no.
340
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:09,994
(weakly) I'm full.
341
00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:11,429
That is not a talent.
Damn it!
342
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:12,597
(thud!)
343
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,468
(thunder rumbles)
344
00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:18,136
I turned a blind eye
to these accidents,
345
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:19,571
but no more!
346
00:12:19,573 --> 00:12:20,905
Barry's my friend!
347
00:12:21,675 --> 00:12:24,642
Seriously, Roger,
drop the stupid puppet act.
348
00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:26,845
Roger?
349
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,480
Oh, my God.
350
00:12:28,482 --> 00:12:31,850
It's like he's lost
in some sort of trance.
351
00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:33,852
Maybe something in here
can tell me
352
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,453
what the hell's
going on with him.
353
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:38,490
¶¶
354
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,529
Wow. I really should've
looked further into this book
355
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,631
before I started
this whole thing.
356
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:49,701
¶¶
357
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,209
Oh, good.
358
00:12:58,211 --> 00:12:59,944
¶¶
359
00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:02,013
(mumbling)
360
00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:03,715
E-e-e-excuse me, sir?
361
00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:06,451
Could -- Could I ask you
a few questions?
362
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,319
Y-y-you see, I-I've --
363
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:12,390
well, I-I've been working
with Dudley Dingleberry.
364
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:13,558
(gasps)
365
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,827
Dudley Dingleberry?
366
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,162
You fool!
367
00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:20,565
You have no idea
the evil forces you tamper with!
368
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:23,968
The year was 1976.
369
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:26,671
Dudley and I
were on "Hollywood Squares,"
370
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:30,141
and he started killing
all the other celebrities,
371
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:34,679
just so we could sit
center square.
372
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:38,016
Teaming up with Dudley
was my first mistake.
373
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,319
My second was having
my other puppet, Mr. Doodles,
374
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,254
represent me
at my murder trial.
375
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:45,990
So how do I stop him?
376
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,225
Stop him?!
377
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,027
There's no stopping him!
378
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,095
You think he's the puppet?
379
00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:52,430
You're the puppet!
380
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,766
He's controlling you!
381
00:13:54,768 --> 00:13:57,001
Did I blow your mind?
382
00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,604
Just talking about him
brings it all back --
383
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:03,541
that horrible, mincing voice,
that awful smell.
384
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:04,876
The smell?
385
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,878
(gasps) The smell!
386
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,112
Thanks, you old creep!
387
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,850
(thunder crashes)
388
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,587
"Industrial airplane paint.
389
00:14:15,589 --> 00:14:18,356
Inhalation may cause
temporary psychosis!
390
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,891
Ages 6 and up."
391
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:20,925
I knew it!
392
00:14:20,927 --> 00:14:22,360
All right, buddy.
393
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,295
All I have to do
is get that makeup off you,
394
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,064
and everything
will go back to normal.
395
00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,732
We'll have to forfeit
the talent show,
396
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:29,734
but it's a small price
to --
397
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:33,905
He-- Hello?
398
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,275
(shouts)
(screams)
399
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:39,143
(high-pitched screaming)
(menacing laughter)
400
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:47,252
Aah!
401
00:14:48,355 --> 00:14:51,489
The show must go on.
402
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,560
A-Am I early
for book club?
403
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,661
No, you're late!
404
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:57,929
And that's
two weeks in a row!
405
00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:58,963
You're out!
406
00:14:58,965 --> 00:15:00,999
I didn't read it anyway.
407
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:08,139
¶¶
408
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:09,908
STEVE: Wh-wh-- where am I?
409
00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:12,911
I-I-- I can't move.
Or talk.
410
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,646
I'm paralyzed.
411
00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:20,351
¶ And when I wake up,
I put on my makeup ¶
412
00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:23,321
¶ And kill a little bit
for you ¶
413
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:25,290
No. This can't be real.
414
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,025
This can't be real!
415
00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:28,593
Oh, it's real all right.
416
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:30,495
I can't hear your thoughts.
417
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:31,629
I'm just assuming
you're all like,
418
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,298
"This can't be real!
No!"
419
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,533
You wanted
to get back at A.J.
420
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:37,435
You wanted to win
the talent show.
421
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,636
Don't you see?
422
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:41,839
Dudley Dingleberry
was inside you --
423
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,641
(knock on door)
LEWIS:
Five minutes, Smith!
424
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:45,643
(badly imitating Steve) Uh...
okie-dokie, Principal Loomis!
425
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,312
LEWIS:
That's you all right!
426
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,013
(normal voice) Show time.
427
00:15:49,015 --> 00:15:52,650
(weakly)
You...can't...do...this.
428
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:54,652
You're ruining the trick,
Steve.
429
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:57,055
I can see
your lips move.
430
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,858
(applause)
431
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:02,794
Good evening,
ladies and gents!
432
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:05,663
Our should I say
"wood evening"?
433
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,231
(laughter)
434
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:08,466
He's so good
435
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,735
he's doing the act
with his mouth taped shut!
436
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:14,072
I'm absolutely
losing my mind here!
437
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:17,075
So, I just heard
my grandpa died...
438
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:19,077
of Dutch elm disease!
439
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:20,912
(laughter)
440
00:16:20,914 --> 00:16:23,581
¶¶
441
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:24,916
Chip on my shoulder?
442
00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:26,651
That is my shoulder!
443
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,519
(laughter)
444
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,692
I've been told I can be
a real son of a birch.
445
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:37,862
(laughter)
446
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,430
Look at this audience.
My God.
447
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,566
I never realized
I was so poplar. (popular)
448
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:42,834
Poplar is a kind of tree.
449
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,902
(laughter)
450
00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:48,506
Teak, oak, balsa,
mahogany!
451
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,076
This is what I live for!
452
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:53,111
(laughs)
453
00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,212
STEVE: Oh, my God.
454
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:57,682
I'm...winning.
455
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,420
No.
I have to stop Roger.
456
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,122
But how?
457
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:06,090
(laughter)
458
00:17:06,092 --> 00:17:07,425
That's it!
459
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:09,560
(laughter)
460
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:13,364
¶¶
461
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,532
(gasps)
462
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,601
I'm in love with you too,
Steve!
463
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:18,903
I've always loved you!
464
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:20,304
Oh, yeah.
465
00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:22,206
I don't know Morse code.
466
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:24,742
That's our show!
Wood night!
467
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:26,310
(cheers and applause)
468
00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:28,312
(chuckles) "Mahogany."
469
00:17:28,314 --> 00:17:29,313
Uh, Dad?
470
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:30,815
I'm a little worried
about Mom.
471
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:32,116
She's fine.
472
00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:33,284
Just swab her with
a little more of
473
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:35,086
our patented,
homemade poultice.
474
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:36,387
Available in the lobby!
475
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:40,091
(monstrous,
plaintive moaning)
476
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:43,294
That's it. Really let
those onion skins go to work.
477
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:44,729
Congratulations, Steve.
478
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:47,131
Despite all your efforts
to remain a loser,
479
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,299
I made you a winner.
480
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,667
Oh, crap.
481
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:53,838
All tuckered out, huh?
Well, wish me luck.
482
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,308
(ominous music plays)
483
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,343
(door locks)
Did you see that tank?
484
00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:01,312
Looks like Snot's
bringing his "A" game.
485
00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:03,281
I hadn't really
considered him a threat,
486
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:05,917
which is why he's one of
the only other contestants left.
487
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:07,085
Well, not to worry.
488
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:09,420
An escape act
loses its impact...
489
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,155
if you can't escape.
490
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:15,993
(strained) Roger, no!
491
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,096
Hmm.
492
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:20,598
Looks like the paralyzing agent
is starting to wear off.
493
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,834
I think I better make sure
you stay put.
494
00:18:22,836 --> 00:18:23,968
Just...
495
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:26,938
...in case.
496
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:27,972
There.
497
00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:30,007
I had to pause for a full minute
in the middle of my sentence,
498
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:31,309
but it was worth it.
499
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,044
Now to kill Snot!
500
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:34,879
Aah! Aah!
501
00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:37,882
And now
The Great Shmuel-dini
502
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:40,818
shall attempt an escape
from a watery death!
503
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,320
(applause)
(inhales deeply)
504
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,388
(dramatic music plays)
505
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,300
SNOT: Any escape artist
worth his salt
506
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,569
will have a bobby pin
somewhere on his person
507
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,204
at all times.
508
00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:02,673
Lucky for me, I always wear
a bobby pin in my hair
509
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,876
to keep my gorgeous bangs
out of my eyes.
510
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:06,978
(groans)
511
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,880
(blows)
512
00:19:08,882 --> 00:19:13,084
(dramatic music playing)
513
00:19:13,086 --> 00:19:14,752
Good old broomstick.
514
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:15,920
Mwah!
515
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,588
¶¶
516
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,527
(latch rattles)
517
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:25,429
¶¶
518
00:19:25,431 --> 00:19:27,765
(muffled shout)
519
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:28,766
(audience gasps)
520
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,334
Now remember, folks,
521
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,936
his intention is to live.
522
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:35,006
So if he drowns,
he loses the talent show.
523
00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:37,542
¶¶
524
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:38,910
(laughing evilly)
525
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:42,413
(gurgling)
(audience gasps)
526
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:43,714
It's too late, Steve!
527
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:46,350
You can't save Snot with those
gimpy legs of yours,
528
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:49,387
so you might as well just
sit back and enjoy the show.
529
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:53,257
¶¶
530
00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:55,560
I've got to break
that glass.
531
00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:58,729
¶¶
532
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:01,232
Hey! Dingleberry!
Yes?
533
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,234
I may be paralyzed
right now,
534
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:05,369
but you'll always be...
535
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:06,904
a dummy!
536
00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:11,409
Say that one more time.
537
00:20:12,478 --> 00:20:13,411
I --
(gunshot)
538
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:16,614
(slow-motion scream)
539
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:20,084
(inhales sharply)
540
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,052
(audience gasps)
541
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:22,787
(shuddering weakly)
542
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,922
What?
How did I get here?
543
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:27,291
Oh my, God,
Somebody shot Steve!
544
00:20:27,293 --> 00:20:29,727
Oh, my God!
I shot Steve!
545
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:32,463
(screams)
Oh, no way. Gross.
546
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,899
Okay, come on.
(groans)
547
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,435
¶¶
548
00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:40,071
Oh, yeah.
Now I remember.
549
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,340
That's why I don't
do this character anymore.
550
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:43,908
That makeup
makes me crazy.
551
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,142
Really should've just flipped
552
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:46,944
a few more pages
into the old scrapbook.
553
00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:48,312
And I learned --
554
00:20:48,314 --> 00:20:49,814
Now to make sure
this makeup
555
00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:52,950
never causes anybody harm
ever again!
556
00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:55,286
(door opens)
557
00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:57,121
(door closes)
558
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:59,490
(dramatic music plays)
559
00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:04,161
Buh-bye! See you soon!
560
00:21:06,199 --> 00:21:08,165
-- Captions by VITAC --